April 24, 2013
SVH #139, Elizabeth is Mine: He Blinded Me With Science
Wait, are Todd and Devon twins, too?
Summary: While Elizabeth and Devon have the world’s longest makeout session, Jessica quickly decides that the best way to get revenge is to pretend to hook up with Todd. Todd somehow has too much class for that, and instead goes to the beach to confirm that Jessica was telling him the truth. He wants Elizabeth back, even though she’ll probably just cheat on him again five minutes later.
Jessica still wants revenge, so she comes up with a so-crazy-it-just-might-work-plan: If she can get Todd interested in another girl, Elizabeth will get jealous and want him back. Then Jessica can swoop in and take Devon for herself. She thinks Courtney is perfect for the role of Todd’s new love interest, and of course Courtney’s game, because she still likes him.
In boring land, there’s a science fair coming up, and Elizabeth wants to enter with Devon. He resists because he doesn’t want everyone to know how super-smart he is, or something. Jessica also tries to appeal of Devon’s science knowledge by getting him to tutor her. It backfires. Jessica continues her revenge plan by stealing the ring Todd gave Elizabeth, then passing herself off as Liz so Todd thinks she’s wearing the ring and wants to get back together with him.
Jess sets up Todd and Courtney, then arranges for Elizabeth to catch them together at Guido’s. This also backfires – Elizabeth figures that if Todd’s already moved on, it’s okay for her to be with Devon. So you’d think this would all work itself out, right? Wrong.
Jessica wants to impress Devon by entering the science fair, so she teams up with Bruce, who’s mad at Devon for not wanting to hang out with the other rich kids. They decide to make a volcano, which is so dumb in so many ways. Jessica then takes things a step too far by sabotaging Liz and Devon’s project for no reason. Also, the volcano blows up, which is kind of a metaphor for Todd and Courtney’s relationship – it’s over practically before it begins.
Elizabeth asks Todd to meet her so she can give back the ring. He’s confused, since he thought he saw her wearing it. They figure out that Jess pulled a twin switch. Meanwhile, Jessica knows that if the two of them talk, they’ll bust her on everything, so she grabs Courtney to…I don’t know, flirt with Todd again? Devon shows up as well and gets mad because Liz is with Todd. Todd tries to solve the problem in the weirdest possible way: by proposing to Elizabeth. She doesn’t respond, and Todd and Devon start pounding on each other. Elizabeth decides they’re both jerks and leaves, possibly the smartest thing she’s ever done.
Thoughts: There is way too much science in this book.
Todd, upon hearing that Elizabeth kissed Devon: “There’s no way Elizabeth would do that to me.” Really, Todd? Have you forgotten the five other times she’s done it to you?
“A science fair! What a cool idea!” Shut up, Enid.
When Todd and Courtney first became friends, she tried to get some alone time with him by asking him for a tour of their fathers’ company after hours. They wound up accidentally crashing a black-tie event. Now Mr. Wilkins warns Todd of upcoming events by sending him an invitation and writing on it, “You are not invited.” Ha! Awesome.
Bruce, I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to make a volcano for a science fair after the age of ten.
I REFUSE to believe that Lila and Amy build a robot. The ghostwriter must be high.
Speaking of which, Sandra and Jeanie’s project is using a prism to make a rainbow. Are you kidding me? That’s not an experiment! I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your souls!
October 10, 2012
SVH Saga, The Patmans of Sweet Valley: Patman Begins
I don’t like the way that cowboy is looking at me
Summary: 1825-1846: Sophie Edmonton, daughter of an English duke, falls in love with a stable hand named Henry Patman. (Sigh.) Since he’s poor, she has to keep the relationship from her father. Sophie and Henry plan to elope, but her sister Melanie reads her diary and tells their father what they’re planning. Henry winds up deported and Sophie winds up with a lord. Meanwhile, Henry goes to New York and wins a plantation in a poker game.
1851-1852: Sophie’s daughter Emma runs away from a planned marriage so she can become an actress in London. She changes her name to Vanessa and doesn’t tell anyone her father’s an earl. She lives with a guy named Patrick, who falls in love with her and proposes, and though she accepts at first, she ultimately leaves to join a traveling troupe. She falls in love with the director, who is secretly the son of a marquess. Why are all these rich people pretending not to be rich?
1861-1864: There’s this really boring section about James Patman (Henry’s son) disagreeing with his family about slavery being wrong, then helping free slaves via the Underground Railroad. He marries a former slave named Hope and she gets pregnant, but before she can have the baby, she’s murdered. (This was the only part of the book I had any kind of emotional connection to. Everything else was bleh.) James goes back home and learns that his whole family’s dead. Cheerful!
1886: Katherine (granddaughter of Emma) is an up-and-coming teenage actress. She travels to America with the Royal Shakespeare Company and falls in love with James’ son John in Kansas. The night she’s supposed to leave, he plans to meet her at the train station and propose. But there’s a robbery at the bar where John works and Katherine leaves on a train just before he can get to her. She’s hurt because she thought John stood her up, but she reads about the hold-up in the newspaper and goes back to Kansas. She’s too late, though – John has already split town. Oh, and her whole family is dead, too, because of a fire. What’s up with people’s whole families getting wiped out?
1890-1893: John goes to Texas and hooks up with a cowgirl named Samantha (no relation to this Samantha). Just as he’s about to head to another city to look for work, since their ranch isn’t doing well, they find oil.
1924-1927: William (one of John and Samantha’s kids) marries Helena and they have a son named Paul who dies when he’s just few weeks old. Hold on to that thought.
1941-1945: Katherine has a daughter named Cassandra, who becomes a doctor and works at a hospital in Europe during World War II. She falls in love with a wounded solder named Spencer and gets pregnant. But Spencer returns to the war and is killed in battle, and the news makes Cassandra miscarry. In 1945, Spencer’s best friend Peter looks Cassandra up and they get together. She’s supposedly not able to have any more kids, but has two anyway, Marie and Peter.
Meanwhile, a guy named Reginald Rainier starts working for William and becomes like a son to him. Helena meets him and thinks he looks like William. Some digging turns up a very soap operaish story: Reginald and Paul (William and Helena’s son, remember) were switched at birth, and Reginald is really a Patman. So now Reginald has money and marries his girlfriend May, who, if you ask me is a little too interested in his sudden inheritance. They name their first child Henry, after Reginald’s adoptive father. (They later have a son named Paul – that would be Roger Barrett Patman’s father – and I thought it was sweet that they named him after William and Helena’s late “son.”)
1960s: The two families come together again – Henry and Marie go to high school together and get engaged their senior year. She learns she has leukemia and thinks she’s going to die, so she breaks up with Henry in a letter. He’s in California at the time and decides to go to college there instead of Harvard. As we know, he gets together with Alice but she dumps him for Ned. A few years later, Marie moves to L.A. and runs into Henry. She finally tells him about her illness and recovery, and he forgives her for lying. They quickly get engaged, get married, and have everyone’s favorite potential rapist, Bruce.
Thoughts: Henry’s not just a stable hand, he’s a stable hand who says, “As you wish.” I think we all know who that character is based on.
Find me one person who cares what Bruce Patman’s great-great-grand-something thought about slavery. I dare you. I mean, there’s a whole chapter of the family fighting about secession. SO BORING.
I know people didn’t live as long in the past, but did they all have to get married after two months of dating? Because pretty much everyone in this book (and the other sagas) practically runs to the altar. And these aren’t even shotgun weddings.
Bruce’s ancestors are all better people than he is. And Marie and Hank seem like normal people, so I can’t figure out where they went wrong with the kid.
May 24, 2012
SVH #120, In Love With the Enemy: Blood On the Dance Floor
Are those Sharks or Jets?
Summary: Jessica learns about a surfing competition with a trip to Hawaii for a prize, and she decides she wants to enter, even though she sucks at surfing. She starts working at it, even getting up really early to go to the beach, and meets a guy named Christian Gorman who gives her some pointers. They fall in luuuuuuv, even though Jessica’s dating Ken.
Remember when SVH had that big rivalry with Big Mesa? Well, now they have a rivalry with Palisades High. The Palisades athletes are really mean to the SVH athletes during games, and then pound on Ken a little after a game, so a bunch of the guys from SVH (including Ken, Todd, and Bruce) decide to get revenge. This revenge involves painting something lame on Palisades’ football field. Then the Palisades guys get revenge by TPing and egging the SVH guys’ cars and houses. There’s all this talk about the Palisades guys having a gang, but if they do, it’s the worst, weakest gang ever. And there isn’t even any dancing or singing.
Elizabeth and Enid have befriended a couple of girls from Palisades, and they’ve decided to try to bring peace to the two schools. They start by writing newspaper articles about each other, which is both lame and pretty much ripped straight from “Home and Away.” The articles don’t work. Then a tennis player from Palisades hits Tom McKay with a ball during a game, and freaking John Pfeifer writes about it for the Oracle, and the SVH guys who have been leading the anti-Palisades crusade turn the article into propaganda. Oh, and those guys have been having guys’ nights out to solidify their anti-Palisades hate, which means Tom is not the gayest thing in this paragraph.
All of the plots come together with a school dance. Elizabeth, Enid, and the two Palisades girls organize an SVH/Palisades masquerade at a warehouse, hoping that having the students socialize together will fix everything. (Again, stolen straight from “Home and Away.”) Jessica thinks this will be a good opportunity for her to refocus on Ken, despite having declared her love for Christian just the previous day. Ken and his buddies, however, think the dance is a good opportunity to bust some Palisades skulls. (If you think that sounds like the end of “A Night to Remember,” you’re not the only one.)
Outside the warehouse, Ken, Bruce, Todd, Winston, Aaron, Ronnie, and some other guys take on the Palisades jerks. Elizabeth realizes all the guys are missing and probably planning something bad, so she calls the police. Jessica comes across the scene just as Ken is being pounded to a pulp…by Christian. Ruh-roh!
Thoughts: You know what would have made the “twist” at the end an actual twist? If the back of the book hadn’t said that Christian was the leader of the Palisades gang. And if the book hadn’t been called In Love With the Enemy.
Elizabeth brings salmon and brie on a picnic. Girl, be a teenager, would you?
Ken’s house and car get TPed and he’s upset about the waste of paper. I think he’s dating the wrong twin.
Dear teenage boys of Sweet Valley: Hanging out at Bruce’s house without girls is not a “guys’ night out.” It’s just a night at Bruce’s house without girls. For it to be a guys’ night out, you would have to actually go out.
Also, when planning revenge, wearing jean jackets doesn’t make you look intimidating. It makes you look exactly the opposite of intimidating.
Palisades High’s newspaper is called the Pentagon. Stupid.
March 10, 2012
SVH #116, Nightmare in Death Valley: Fool’s Gold
Eh, let her fall. There's another one
Summary: When we left our little campers, they were in a cave with skeletons, and it had just started raining. They set off to finish their trek, but Heather’s ankle injury is so bad that she can’t walk, and the guys can’t really carry her. Finally Jessica agrees to stay behind with Heather (it was going to be her or Ken, and Jessica doesn’t want the two of them alone together) while the other four finish the hike and send help back to the girls.
Elizabeth and the guys can’t choose between a high path and a low path, so Elizabeth and Ken take the high one (which she thinks is safer because the recent rain could turn into a flash flood) while Todd and Bruce take the low one. Back at the campsite, Jessica and Heather are just starting to get along better when the escaped convicts Heather spotted earlier find them and take them hostage. Jessica nicknames the mean ones Moe and Larry, and the nice, cute one Jack. (Don’t ask.) They want the kids’ gold, but they also wouldn’t mind killing a few teenagers, so they set off a flare to get the other four kids to come back.
There’s this really stupid part where Elizabeth almost falls off a cliff, and Bruce saves her but a bald eagle takes his gold. Yeah, I said it was stupid. Then Todd and Ken catch up to them and they all see the flare. Elizabeth, Bruce, and Todd head back to the campsite and are taken hostage, but Ken hangs back and the convicts don’t know he’s lurking around. The cons take the gold and leave, and the kids get untied and start to leave, but then stop to save Jack from a flood. He tells them he was in prison for armed robbery but is totally reformed, which I guess excuses him for freaking breaking out of prison.
Moe and Larry resurface, and Moe holds Elizabeth at knifepoint in a cave since he’s mad that his gold is gone. (Maybe an eagle took it?) Jessica does the old sick-prisoner routine and distracts him long enough so Jack can save Elizabeth. But Moe’s so mad that he shoots Jack, killing him. Then everyone hears an airplane, which the kids think was sent to get them. Moe goes outside to check it out, ordering Larry to kill the teens or be killed himself. Jessica saves the day again, convincing Larry not to kill them. Instead, he shoots six bullets into the roof of the cave and runs off to join Moe. Unfortunately, the bullets cause a cave-in.
There are, like, 20 things that happen, including the kids almost drowning, and Heather continuing to be helpless (and useless), but the teens eventually realize that the walls of the cave aren’t rock, just shale. They punch through and get outside, only to find themselves right near the spot where they were supposed to finish their trek. And then they find out the gold they risked their lives to get was pyrite, AKA fool’s gold. Wah wah waaaaaaaah.
Thoughts: I have the British version of this book, and the cover calls it “the final title in the terrifying Desert Adventure mini-series.” I’m not sure you can call two books a “mini-series.” Other words in that sentence that aren’t used correctly: “terrifying,” “adventure,” “the.”
If this were Lost, Elizabeth would be Jack, Bruce would be Sawyer, Todd would be Kate, Heather would be Shannon, and Jessica and Ken would be Nikki and Paolo.
When she’s about to fall off the cliff, Elizabeth thinks of her parents, Jessica, Todd, Enid, and Mr. Collins. So she thinks about her English teacher and not her brother. I don’t even know how to respond to that.
It’s too bad Jessica doesn’t stick with her Three Stooges nicknames and call Jack “Curly.” Then I could have made really bad “legend of Curly’s gold” jokes.
March 1, 2012
SVH #115, The Treasure of Death Valley: Good as Gold
Everyone on this cover looks ridiculous
Summary: The twins, Todd, Bruce, Ken, and Heather “win” an essay contest and are “rewarded” with a four-day survival trek in Death Valley. Other than Liz and Todd, no one is particularly excited about it, and I’m not sure how it’s enforceable, but there you go. Anyway, they have four days to get to a predetermined point, and they have a certain amount of food, a map with water-collection spots marked, and…that’s about it. No adults or guides or anything. Just six teenagers of varying levels of intelligence in the desert. This doesn’t seem legal.
The teens are paired off as “buddies,” and of course no one is happy with his or her pairing. Bruce is with Elizabeth, Jessica is with Todd, and Ken is with Heather. Everyone wants to switch, but Elizabeth wants to be all mature and adult and follow the rules. Frankly, I’m surprised she’s not dead in the sand by the end of this book, especially with how controlling she is.
There are two supposedly exciting things that happen: The kids find a mine shaft with gold in it, and they hear about three escaped convicts who are possibly also in Death Valley. There’s more gold in other places, which means the teens will have to go out of their way to get it, and there’s some sort of curse that requires leaving half the gold and a map behind for the next person to stumble across it. (How many people are stumbling around in Death Valley, coming across old mine shafts?) So the teens get a bunch of gold, and they fight a lot, and Heather almost dies, and everyone hates each other, and I’m really shortcutting this because it’s boring.
Jessica starts getting paranoid about Heather stealing her gold, so she puts it in her sleeping bag, but when she gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, it disappears. She accuses Heather, but Heather had an alibi in that she was making out with Ken. Heather comes across the escaped convicts and hears them talking about the gold, which they know the kids have. She tries to convince the other teens that the cons took Jess’ stash, but they don’t believe her. Then she hurts her ankle and is all helpless. When the kids find the final gold location, there are skeletons, and then the storm they were trying to beat arrives. Apparently that’s good enough for a cliffhanger.
Thoughts: I would make fun of Heatherfor bringing along a little TV so she can watch her soap opera, but I totally get it.
Heather puts her sleeping bag with Ken’s and Jessica’s, and Bruce asks if she’s “going for a threesome.” A sex joke in a Sweet Valley High book? That’s madness!
Hank Patman has a friend named Bentley Wentworth. Of course he does.
Todd totally checks out Jessica’s legs at one point. Whatever, Todd, we all know you’re asexual.
December 6, 2011
SVH #107, Jessica’s Secret Love: Wuv…Twoo Wuv…
Who's who? What's going on here? I need someone to explain this to me
Summary: The twins are back from their exciting trip to London, but things in Sweet Valley are about to get even more exciting! Okay, maybe not. Jessica meets a guy on the beach, they have an instant connection, they kiss, and he runs off, saying they can’t be together. Even after spending just minutes together, Jessica is convinced that the mystery guy is her twoo wuv, and she’s heartbroken that she can’t be with him. She’s super serious about this guy, y’all. Like, she loves him more than Sam. Even though she doesn’t know his name.
Alice’s college roommate’s daughter, Sue Gibbons, comes to Sweet Valley to get married, despite never having been there, and never spending much time with Alice, and the fact that she and her fiancé don’t know anyone there. Also, Sue is 18 and the wedding is in, like, a month. But whatever. The twins get right to helping her plan the wedding. And wouldn’t you know it – her fiancé, Jeremy Randall, is Jessica’s mystery guy! What are the odds? (No, really, what are the odds that Jessica would randomly run into the guy her family friend is marrying?)
Jessica and Jeremy act like they’ve never met, and certainly like they’ve never made out, but Jessica is upset that she has to help plan his wedding to someone else. She messes around a little, pretending plans have changed so she can spend time with him alone, then taking him to Miller’s Point under the pretense of going somewhere else. All it does it tick Elizabeth off.
Jessica’s next plan is to have Bruce take her to dinner at the restaurant where the happy couple is dining. It’s actually a pretty funny scene, with Jessica having to pretend she’s in love with Bruce as Jeremy gets more and more jealous and Bruce runs up a huge tab she has to pay. There’s also a funny follow-up when Sue sees Bruce kissing Pamela and Jessica’s all, “Oh, they’re just friends.”
As she slowly gets crazier and crazier, Jessica throws Sue’s wedding dress under a truck, but that backfires since the dress isn’t ruined, just muddied, and Jessica winds up having to pay for it to be cleaned. To add insult to injury, Jeremy tells her that, yes, he loves Jessica, but he’s not going to break up with Sue. Finally, the Wakefields throw Sue and Jeremy an engagement party, and Jessica and Jeremy end up dancing, then making out. So at the end of the book, he’s still engaged but can’t stay away from Jessica.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth hates how she fell for a psycho in London, so she starts reading a self-help book to help her become a woman warrior, or something. It’s dumb. She takes Jessica to a group meeting for people who have read the book, and Jessica thinks everyone’s a little nuts. Also, Lila’s dating Robby, a friend of Jeremy’s, and she’s all happy because he’s rich, but when it turns out he isn’t, she dumps him. Sounds about right.
Thoughts: I would like to state for the record that Jeremy is 23 and Jessica, as we know, is 16. I repeat: He’s 23 and she’s 16. Let that sink in.
Elizabeth thinks Jeremy and Sue (who are conservationists) will want to do fieldwork on their honeymoon. Why do you have to take the fun out of everything, Liz?
“If you were broke…would we be lying on this wonderful, soft blanket?” Please tell me Lila doesn’t seriously think only rich people can afford blankets.
Elizabeth chastising Jessica for falling for an unavailable guy is pretty funny considering she basically cheated on Todd just one book ago.
While I get why Jessica should stay out of other people’s relationships (obviously), I don’t get Elizabeth telling her to let Jeremy and Sue stay together because a) they have a lot in common and b) Jeremy leaving Sue would hurt her. Does she think it’s better for Sue to marry a guy who doesn’t really love her, not to mention who’s in love with someone else?
There are some fun (read: dreadful) outfits in this book:
- Sue: “a dressy silk shorts-and-top set”
- Elizabeth: a “yellow sleeveless jumpsuit with wide, flowing legs”
- Enid: a silk pantsuit, because she’s 50 and vacationing in Boca Raton
October 22, 2011
SVH #103, Operation Love Match: Written in the Stars
Is Bruce auditioning for a role in "Grease"?
Summary: Mercury’s in retrograde, which means Jessica’s life is a big mess. (No one else’s life is a big mess, though, which makes no sense. Whatever, none of this makes sense.) She’s klutzy, she’s having bad luck all over the place, and all of her attempts to get Bruce’s parents back together are falling apart. Oh, yeah, Jessica and Elizabeth have taken it upon themselves to get the Patmans back together. Jessica is exactly the person I would entrust to fix my parents’ marriage.
Jessica’s currently obsessed with astrology, so she uses a book about it to make her plans. (Just pretend those two things are connected.) She writes a letter from Hank to Marie, but forgets to put a stamp on it, so she tries to fish it out of the mailbox. Instead, she gets stuck, then busted by the police for mail tampering. Cute new senior Michael Hampton sees all of this, so Jessica tells him she’s Elizabeth. She continues to do this every time she does something dorky or clumsy in front of him, like getting stuck in her locker.
The next wacky plan the twins and Bruce come up with is putting super glue in the Patmans’ lawyers’ car ignitions so they can’t go to a meeting to discuss the divorce. Then they plan to go to the lawyers’ office and put the Patmans’ wedding album out for them to see, hoping they’ll reminisce together and remember how much they love each other. But Jessica gets stuck in an elevator and can’t get the album upstairs. The Patmans arrive and start reminiscing anyway, and are very close to getting back together when Marie sees one of Alice’s scarves in Hank’s coat pocket. (He took Bruce’s coat accidentally, and the scarf was one Jessica borrowed.)
During this craziness, Jessica flirts with Michael and tries to talk herself up to him. He’s actually attracted to Elizabeth, or Jessica-pretending-to-be-Elizabeth, since he finds her clumsiness endearing. He sends Liz flowers, she figures out what’s going on, and she agrees to meet him for a date. But she wants to get Michael’s attention on Jessica, so she acts completely calm and put-together to make Michael realize he’s fallen for the wrong twin. It works, and Michael figures out that Jessica was pretending to be Elizabeth.
Back to the love games. Jessica and Bruce buy a bunch of goldenrods for Marie, but it turns out she’s allergic and she winds up in the hospital. Out of ideas, Jessica decides to have Elizabeth tape a conversation with Alice in which Alice states straight out that she and Hank are done, so Marie will stop thinking they’re having an affair. Except the wrong tape gets delivered. Finally, the meddling teens decide to go all out and have an intervention: They’ll display mementos from the Patmans’ marriage and show then footage from their honeymoon to hit them over the head with what they’re throwing away.
The day the plan is supposed to go into action, the twins get locked in their bathroom (don’t ask) and Bruce has car trouble that keeps him from getting to the house on time. The Patmans work things out on their own, so the plan basically worked, just in a different way than Bruce and the twins planned. In the end, almost everyone is happy: The Patmans are back together, as are Bruce and Pamela. Jessica and Michael, however, don’t work out, since he’s too awkward for her. Eh, two out of three ain’t bad.
Thoughts: Lila wants to throw a masquerade ball? She just had a big party! Where people almost died! What is up with this girl?
Ned: “As a family, we’ve never believed in meddling in other people’s private affairs.” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Ned, you so crazy.
Elizabeth got a laptop! That’s pretty impressive for 1994.
Elizabeth’s bedroom is beige and cream. Well, that’s certainly conducive to sleep; it has me yawning just reading about it.
I’m 99 percent sure you can’t hire lawyers from the same firm to represent opposing sides in a case. Why would a husband and wife be willing to go against in each other in court anyway?
Bruce would never create, let alone participate in, a secret handshake with the twins.
Michael’s poem to Elizabeth is ridiculous:
I never dreamed or hoped I’d see,
A girl like you who trips like me.
You’re beautiful and clumsy, too,
You’re just my secret dream come true.
I’ll see your face where e’er I roam,
Won’t you please let me drive you home?
Todd actually nibbles on Elizabeth’s ear. Todd, you disgust me.
October 12, 2011
SVH #102, Almost Married: Playing House
I feel your pain, Jess
Summary: Ned and Alice are going out of town, as are Todd’s parents, so he decides to move into the Wakefields’ house for the week for a sort of practice marriage with Elizabeth. (Don’t freak out – he’s sleeping on the couch. You know Elizabeth Wakefield would never share a bed with someone unless they were married or both wearing five layers of clothes.) Jessica will only keep quiet about it if he does all her chores and makes her dinner every night.
Elizabeth is flipping out because of the picture she found of Hank and Alice, which she’s told Jessica about. She’s sure that Alice and Hank were once married, and Bruce is sure that they’re now having an affair. Elizabeth and Bruce keep meeting up to talk, and they start to think they’re developing feelings for each other. Because Elizabeth is spending so much time with Bruce, Todd feels jealous and lonely. Also, people keep finding out about him living at the Wakefields’, so it’s not so much of a secret anymore.
Todd gets clingy, and Elizabeth gets frustrated, so she starts avoiding him and making up reasons to see Bruce. Todd also complains when the twins decide to throw a pool party, acting like he really lives there and gets a say in what happens at the house. Pamela has also noticed all the Liz/Bruce closeness, and at the party, she decides it’s time to cut her man loose. Bruce pouts for about two seconds, then immediately goes to make out with Elizabeth. Which Todd sees, of course.
There’s a big fight, Todd leaves, and Elizabeth decides to go for a swim. She almost drowns but Todd comes back and saves her. He’s realized that he wasn’t listening to her or communicating with her in an appropriate way. Seriously, zero real teenagers act like Todd. Anyway, Liz’s near-drowning solves everything, so they’re okay. Then Alice comes home early and the twins confront her about the photo and her possible affair. She tells them the real story and promises that she’s not cheating. Now Bruce wants to get his parents back together. Like anyone cares about them.
Thoughts: I can’t believe Ned and Alice are okay with leaving the twins home alone after what happened the last time. Oh, right, horrible parents. I forgot.
First of all, there shouldn’t be a wedding picture of Alice and Hank if they didn’t get married. The bride and groom usually wait until after the wedding to take photos together; otherwise they break the tradition of the groom not seeing the bride in her dress before she walks down the aisle. Second of all, would you keep a non-wedding picture of yourself with a guy you didn’t marry after you’ve moved and married someone else? Does Ned know about this picture?
Sweet Valley now has a Laundromat/video store/cappuccino bar. Quick, name three things no one associates with each other ever. But actually, it’s a great idea for a business: You can watch a movie and have coffee while you wait for your laundry to finish.
Apparently Bruce knows some Latin dance moves. Who knew?
September 28, 2011
SVH #101, The Boyfriend War: An Affair to Remember
Summary: Lila takes Jessica to Jamaica for spring break, not telling her until they’re already there that it’s not really a vacation. They’ve been volunteered by Lila’s mom to work at Kiddie Paradise, which is basically a place where parents drop their kids for a week and never deal with them. Jessica’s furious and doesn’t want to have anything to do with Lila. And since the girls aren’t talking, they don’t realize that they’re dating the same guy, Mick (who’s also dating one of the other Kiddie Paradise employees).
Once the girls figure out that Mick is a jerk, they enlist Jessica’s wild group of kids to help them get revenge. They break Mick’s watch and cut and dye his hair purple all under the guise of a magic show. It’s lame, but Lila and Jessica are okay again. As if we ever thought something could break them up for good.
Elizabeth gets the better plot: She’s back in Sweet Valley, researching Alice’s family for an English project. Except Alice won’t be around to interview because she’s now working for Hank and will be going to Chicago with him. This upsets Bruce, as his parents are getting divorced and he thinks Hank and Alice are having an affair. He keeps insisting on this to Elizabeth, who thinks he’s crazy…until she finds a photo of Alice and Hank in a wedding gown and tux. So now Elizabeth isn’t so sure that things between Hank and Alice are innocent.
The really lame plot goes to Amy, who doesn’t think her family is interesting enough for the English project and tries to steal info on Alice’s family instead. She specifically wants to write about Jessamyn. When Elizabeth wonders what her interest is, Amy says that she thinks people in Alice’s family history might help shed some light on who she is. Elizabeth decides she’s right and she should include Jessamyn in her paper. So Amy shot herself in the foot on that one.
Thoughts: Kiddie Paradise is basically summer camp on an island. I really don’t think the parents have any interaction with the kids the whole time they’re there. It’s weird.
I’m fairly certain Lila is in no way related to someone who goes by Jimmo.
Jessica: “I never even got to show you my new red dress for wearing to the disco!” Did that sentence get translated from another language?
Enid says, “Yoo-hoo.” Of course she does.
In case there was any doubt that Bruce is a creep, he has no regrets about trying to rape Elizabeth in Dear Sister.
August 8, 2011
SVH #97, The Verdict: Deus Ex Machina
Elizabeth makes my soul feel cold
Summary: So, yeah, Elizabeth’s still on the hook for Sam’s death. The Wakefields are basically falling apart, with the twins not speaking to each other, Ned trying to come up with a defense, and Alice slowly losing it. Jessica is still trying to stick it to Liz by dating Todd, who’s only with her out of pity and wants to get back together with Elizabeth. Todd writes Liz a letter, but Jessica intercepts it and tells him Elizabeth tore it up after she read it.
Elizabeth still can’t remember what happened the night of Sam’s death, so things aren’t looking so good for her. Until she gets a deus ex machina in the form of a guy who was driving drunk on the same road at the same time. He confesses to running Elizabeth’s car off the road and killing Sam. Suddenly, Elizabeth’s hopeless defense is moot, and she’s free. Jessica is only pleased because she still hasn’t been busted for spiking Elizabeth’s drink. Now she’s jealous that everyone’s happy about Elizabeth but doesn’t seem to care that Sam’s still dead.
Lila’s mom is still in town, and Lila thinks her parents are finding their way back to each other. Grace wants to stay in Sweet Valley, but she admits to Lila that things with her and George are complicated. She was very young (19) when she married George, and they’d only been together for a couple of months. He was poor when they got together, while her family was rich, and he felt threatened by her wealth. Eventually Grace left, taking Lila with her, but George, now rich, threatened her with a custody battle if she didn’t leave Lila with him. Grace felt her hands were tied, so she gave in, then went to Europe to get away from the situation. Now Lila wants to reunite her parents.
Pamela’s at SVH but everyone thinks she’s a slut, especially Bruce, so she has no friends. Amy realizes that they haven’t treated Pamela fairly, so she and Lila befriend her. Amy then goes to Bruce and gets him to see that people’s reputations aren’t always accurate. He finds Pamela basically being kidnapped by some Big Mesa jerk, saves her, and gets the girl.
Steven and his roommate, Billie, are falling in loooooooove. When people start talking about how Alice is losing it, Steven thinks Billie spilled what he confided to her. They get into a big fight and she moves out. Then Steven finds out Jessica was the blabbermouth, and he and Billie make up. Yes, that’s really it.
And then there’s Margo. She’s about to get to Sweet Valley when she encounters the brother of the kid she killed in The Arrest. He tells her the police are looking for her, so she makes a brief detour to San Diego. Sometime later, she does make it to Sweet Valley, where she learns that Elizabeth has been cleared of killing Sam, and that she has a twin sister. Margo buys a blond wig and decides she’s going to take Elizabeth’s place.
Thoughts: All right, Alice finally cracked! I knew it was only a matter of time.
“Maybe a guy should be there for his girlfriend instead of turning around and dating her twin sister.” That Todd, he’s a sharp one.
“Even at Big Mesa, everyone knew that Elizabeth Wakefield was one of the nicest kids at Sweet Valley High.” Are you freaking kidding me?
Phew, Maria’s last name is back intact.
Why do the cheerleaders cheer at soccer games? Is that normal?
I can’t believe Elizabeth doesn’t get a big celebration when she goes back to school after being exonerated. No slow clap or anything!
