April 20, 2013
Party of Five 1.22, The Ides of March: Jill Came Tumbling After
Hi. I’m your destiny
Summary: Ross is hanging out at the Salingers’ house, asking lots of questions about Owen. Everyone is confused. Ross finally explains that he applied to adopt a baby, and recently learned that there’s a child available for him. Everyone is really happy for him. Bailey arrives with Jill and Claudia announces that someone’s having a baby. Little does she know that Bailey and Jill are in the middle of a pregnancy scare.
The two head up to a bathroom to take a pregnancy test, and Bailey tells Jill that “no matter what happens, I am never, ever having sex again.” Cut to the two of them out shopping with Claudia and Julia, and obviously the test was negative, because they’re in really good moods. Jill looks for a shirt for her brother, helping Julia pick out a jacket for Justin. She tells Bailey that she wants to run her own vintage store someday.
Back at home, Julia gives Justin the jacket, and he acts like the least appreciative person to ever receive a free piece of clothing. He thinks she’s trying to change him. (Maybe she should, since he’s currently a huge jerk.) That night, Bailey calls Jill at home and gets shocking news from her father. The rest of the family discusses allergies with Kirsten, who’s been sick lately. She announces that she’s allergic to Thurber and says one of them will have to leave. “Where will you go?” Charlie teases.
Bailey ruins the mood by announcing that Jill is dead. She relapsed with cocaine and her heart stopped. Everyone’s in shock. Later, Claudia asks Bailey a ton of questions, not understanding why Jill was using drugs again. She wonders if Jill was alone, and if she was scared. Bailey just asks why she’s crying. Claudia says she wants to go to the funeral, but Bailey says he’s not going – it would be a waste of time. Jill chose to throw her life away, and that’s not his problem. Elsewhere, Kirsten wonders why people say “but I just saw her” when they learn someone died.
Charlie and Julia go to the funeral without Bailey, though Charlie agrees with him that Jill’s life was a waste. Julia spots Jill’s brother Griffin and remarks that he must be cold without a jacket. Bailey sits in his jeep, watching everyone leave the church. Meanwhile, Kirsten takes Claudia to the hospital to meet Ross’ new baby. They discuss names, and Kirsten suggests naming the baby after Ross’ mother. She changes her mind when he says her name was Mavis.
Bailey takes Will to a club, clearly wanting to get drunk and forget about Jill. He tells Will not to stand around looking like someone just died. At home, Charlie tells his sisters that he’s going to propose to Kirsten. Julia and Claudia both approve of them using their mother’s ring. Will tries to take Bailey’s keys, since he’s too drunk to drive; Bailey fights him and ends up punching him, then taking off.
When Bailey gets home, Will’s already there, and Charlie lays into Bailey for driving drunk, which he should know better than to do because of their parents. Charlie says he’s not going to let Bailey self-destruct and end up killing himself. Bailey laughs because he said the same thing to Jill, and in the end, it didn’t make any difference.
At school, Julia approaches Griffin and offers to talk if he wants. He gets really close to her and mocks that she doesn’t know how he feels. Ross goes to the Salingers’ house so Kirsten can give him presents for the baby: a mobile and Thurber. (Nice try, Kirsten.) Ross sadly tells her that he doesn’t think he’ll be allowed to adopt the baby – the social worker found out that he’s gay. Now he’s been told there’s a “delay” in the process. Ross is worried because this is the only way he’ll be able to become a father.
Julia and Justin go back to the vintage store to return the jacket, because Justin is a jerk. She looks at the jackets again, but not for her boyfriend. At home, Kirsten suddenly asks Charlie if she’ll marry him. Only she’s stuffed up, so he thinks she’s asking him to bury her. Kirsten says pretty much exactly what Charlie told his sisters were his reasons for wanting to propose. He tells Kirsten he was going to propose, then accepts her proposal.
Julia takes Griffin a jacket, and he becomes the second person in the episode to decline free clothes. She explains that it’s really from Jill, who accidentally left his coat in L.A. She told Julia she was going to buy the jacket for him. Griffin tells her to go away. Julia tells him she knows what it’s like to lose someone. She got him the jacket because he looked cold.
At the house, Charlie tells Bailey that Jill’s mother called and asked Bailey to stop by. Bailey refuses. Charlie wants to help him through his grief, but Bailey says everyone gets through hard times alone. Jill was alone when she died because she couldn’t ask for help and he couldn’t give it. He doesn’t want Charlie or anyone else to care about him. Charlie thinks he’s just blaming himself, but Bailey says he doesn’t want to love anyone or be loved – “it’s too hard.” Charlie says that’s too bad, because he loves Bailey.
The next day, Ross gives Claudia the news that he’s officially not going to get the baby. He hates that he let himself love the baby before the adoption was finalized. At school, Julia approaches Griffin again; this time he’s wearing the jacket. She makes up a story about the guy who previously owned it. Wonderful things happened to that guy, so wonderful things can still happen to Griffin.
Bailey tracks down Ross’ social worker and tells her how great Ross has always been with Claudia, and how that can translate to parenting. He suggests that she watch the two of them interact before she makes a decision. Bailey doesn’t get how Ross’s sexuality matters if he loves the baby. He should be rewarded for being willing to love.
At home, Charlie looks through his mother’s jewelry box to get her ring. Bailey finds him and learns of the engagement. He says it feels right. Justin goes to the house to show Julia the shirt he got with his store credit. He thinks she’s going to dump him for a more rebellious guy (maybe like Griffin). Instead Julia thinks Justin is hotter now. I don’t get it. Charlie gives Kirsten the ring, but she doesn’t seem to like it all that much since the stone is so small.
Bailey goes to Jill’s grave and runs into Griffin, who wonders why Jill was so arrogant that she thought she could just do cocaine one more time. He admits to being angry enough to want to scream at her. Bailey says he feels the same way sometimes, but sometimes he just wants to touch her. He’s been trying to see more in her death than there is, but ultimately, he just thinks she made a mistake.
The other Salingers, Kirsten, and Ross gather at the restaurant, and it turns out Ross has ended up with the baby (now named Tess) after all. Bailey arrives just in time for a toast to Charlie and Kirsten’s engagement. Ross thanks him for what he said to the social worker, but Bailey doesn’t want the credit. He holds the baby as the family toasts and starts talking wedding arrangements.
Thoughts: I didn’t start watching the show until season 2, so I didn’t realize that Griffin was originally played by James Marsden (he goes by Jimmy here, which is weird), then replaced with Jeremy London. Joke’s on London, though – Marsden’s mad a much more successful career. (And is HOT.)
Ross should have just adopted Owen. It would have been a win-win for everyone, since his siblings barely spend any time with him anyway.
Julia should have gotten Griffin a shirt, because it appears he only has two.
Wait, Justin got store credit for the jacket Julia paid for? Jerk!
And that’s a wrap on season 1! Bring on Jennifer Love Hewitt!
March 13, 2013
SVH #137, Fight Fire with Fire: Burning for You
Whichever twin is on the left, I like her dress
Summary: Lila is arrested for firebombing the restaurant and spends the night in jail until Steven can bail her out. (I hope Mr. Fowler paid him back later.) Obviously Steven’s boss doesn’t like this, since Lila is the main suspect in the fire at Fowler Crest, so he forces Steven to choose between Lila and his internship. Steven chooses Lila and sets out to investigate on his own and prove her innocence.
Meanwhile, the twins still want Lila and Steven to break up, so they send them letters from each other, talking about their future together and making it clear how little they have in common. This is especially horrible behavior because Lila is now practically homeless, is possibly being stalked, is facing prison time, and can’t reach her parents. Steven is basically the only person she’s been able to turn to for support. But having her date their brother would mess up the twins’ perfect little lives, so they just have to get rid of her.
Anyway, Steven’s investigation actually turns up some evidence: The bomb was made from a can of the brand of soda John Pfeifer drinks. He also gets Lila to demonstrate that she wouldn’t be able to throw the soda/bomb as high or as hard as it was thrown. Not that this evidence is admissible in court, or proves that Pfeifer was the bomber, or was collected by someone not avidly trying to defend the accused culprit. But still, it’s pretty good work.
Because the twins have nothing better to do, they arrange for Steven and Lila to meet up at an SVH football game so they’ll have to discuss (and hopefully fight about) the letters. This actually works, but Lila and Steven figure out that the twins sent the letters and decide to get back at them by pretending they failed. Instead, they encounter Pfeifer, who has another bomb.
Pfeifer commits the cardinal sin of villains: talking too much. He’s mad that Lila’s accusations of attempted rape made him an outcast, so he burned down Fowler Crest and framed her. He detonates the bomb, blowing up SVH’s gym. Lila and Steven somehow make it out all right, but Pfeifer ends up killing himself. The twins feel worse about almost getting Steven and Lila killed than they do about Pfeifer actually dying.
Happy ending: Steven gets his internship back and calls Billie, so they’re on the road to getting back together. Lila’s parents come home and she tells them she doesn’t want any material things to make her feel better; she just wants them around more. And Lila and Steven get their revenge on the twins by pretending they’re engaged.
While all this is going on, Devon makes it to Sweet Valley, where his childhood nanny lives. He’s already been burned twice by relatives who a) only wanted him around because he’s rich or b) were jerks, so he doesn’t want to get too comfortable. But Nana is awesome and just wants Devon to have a stable place to live. Devon’s mad that she never got in touch with him after she stopped working for his family, but it turns out his parents hid all the letters she wrote him. She insists his parents loved him and weren’t horrible people, but the hiding of the letters seems to negate that.
Devon eventually tells Nana about his inheritance, and she makes it clear that she doesn’t care about the money. She’s more than happy to let him live with her no matter what. Devon starts to make himself at home in Sweet Valley, hanging around SVH to see what it would be like to go there. And since it’s required for this series, he sees Elizabeth and immediately falls in luuuuuuuv. Yay?
Thoughts: Devon gets a letter from the law firm of Boyd, Dewey, Cheatam, & Howe. Really, ghostwriter? Really?
Devon’s nanny is named Nan and he calls her Nana. My head hurts.
“You don’t know who I am, but you will be mine.” Dev, I’m pretty sure you can’t say that unless you’re smoking and petting a cat in a top-secret underground lair.
So Pfeifer sets off the bomb, and the next thing we get is the news that he’s dead and everyone else is fine. How anticlimactic. I bet in the next book, the gym will be fine, too.
January 20, 2013
BH90210 5.4, Life After Death: Grateful Dead
I won’t lie, I’m a little jealous of Donna right now
Summary: Brandon gives the eulogy at a campus memorial service for Josh, encouraging everyone to carry out the things Josh wanted to carry out. Afterward, Brandon blasts Andrea for talking to Alex Diaz. She reminds him that Alex is on the student senate and has a lot of influence, so he needs to play nice. Steve wants Brandon to come to a frat party the next night, both so he can loosen up and so Steve can look good. Josh’s sister Gloria offers to let Brandon come by his room and take anything he might want.
Donna takes her laundry to her parents’ house so their staff can wash it for her. (It shouldn’t take too long if all of her shirts are like the one she’s wearing – half cut off.) Felice wants to set her up with a guy who will be coming over for tea with his mother on Monday. She’s sure Donna will love him, even if she can’t remember his name. David meets Clare in the computer lab, and after he sees her using a video program, he invites her to help him with something at the campus TV station. Meanwhile, Dylan plays pool and drinks (as usual), talking to some guy about Valerie.
Brandon goes to Josh’s room and talks with Gloria, who offers him a sweater. It’s awkward. Clare tapes her and Donna painting the beach apartment, telling her she got it from a cute guy she met in the computer lab. Donna mentions that her ex was a “camera freak.” Felice calls to confirm that Donna will be coming for tea. Clare asks her to come to the TV station with her the next day.
Brandon comes by to show Kelly his new sweater, saying the whole situation is “creepy.” He feels bad that he couldn’t think of anything extraordinary to say about Josh. Gloria kept asking why Josh had to die, and Brandon knows it could have just as easily been him. Kelly points out that Dylan said the same thing after Jack died. That doesn’t help.
The next day, Kelly confides in Andrea that she’s worried she’ll screw up her relationship with Brandon the same way she screwed things up with Dylan after Jack died. Andrea can’t really help since Brandon isn’t the same guy he was in high school. Clare takes Donna to the TV station, calling dibs on her cute new friend. That’s no problem for Donna. David has to break the news to Clare that he and Donna dated. Clare breaks the news back that she now lives in his old room.
Brandon and Andrea go to the first student senate meeting, where Alex announces that he’s challenging the legitimacy of Brandon’s presidency. Brandon calls the meeting to order, then immediately adjourns it. Donna and Kelly help the KEG guys set up for the party, and Donna takes a liking to a junior named Griffin Stone. (She didn’t meet him last year because he studied abroad.) Kelly encourages her to talk to him. Donna just eats chips and looks flirty.
Brandon mopes at the Peach Pit, telling Nat that even though everyone wants to take care of him, he feels friendless. Nat encourages him to talk to Dylan. Brandon asks what he was thinking about when he had his heart attack. Nat says he wasn’t ready to die yet. He cautions Brandon not to question why things with Josh happened the way they did. It might take him a while to get over Josh’s death.
Valerie visits Dylan, who tells her he doesn’t want to interact with anyone who lives under the Walshes’ roof. She flirts her way into the house, telling him he’s the only person in Beverly Hills she’s connected with. Dylan’s peeling hardboiled eggs, and Valerie tells him that at her father’s funeral, her uncle told her eggs are symbolic of life and she should eat one. Instead, she threw it away. She goes on to admit that her father shot himself. Now Dylan can relate to her because they both have dead-daddy issues. They eat eggs and drink.
Clare apologizes to Donna for putting her in a weird position at the TV station. She thinks Donna and David can still work together. Then she asks Kelly for more details on the breakup, and Kelly tells her it revolves around Donna’s virginity and David’s lack of virginity. Clare wonders if she’s allowed to pursue David. The frat party is pretty rave-y, but here’s Brandon to be a buzzkill. Steve’s disappointed that he didn’t bring Valerie with him. Donna meets Griffin and they quickly hit it off.
David goes to the beach apartment, though he’s not sure he and Clare should get involved. She tells him there are three sides to every story, plus the truth. He admits that his breakup with Donna was his fault, and he doesn’t think dating Clare would redeem him. Meanwhile, Donna and Griffin have gotten pretty close, but she gets turned off when he starts joking about sex. She tells him she’s a “good Catholic girl,” but she’s in luck because he’s a “good Catholic boy.”
Everyone’s drunk now, and when campus security shows up, Steve has to scramble to hide all the booze. He takes Brandon with him to talk to the security officers, and Brandon lies that Steve asked him to come break up the party. Steve arranged a dry party and the guests brought their own beer. The officers give them a warning but just tell them to make sure everyone gets home safely. Steve’s thrilled that Brandon helped save him, but Brandon makes it clear that he won’t be doing that again.
Dylan and Valerie wind up back in bed together (shocking, I know), agreeing to keep their trysts secret. He adds that he’s not going to be taking her on dates or doing other boyfriend things. Then he questions her relationship (or lack thereof) with Steve, warning her not to hurt him. Valerie says that if Steve “doesn’t like fire, he shouldn’t be playing with matches.” The next day, Steve, Valerie, and Dylan all wind up at the Peach Pit at the same time. Dylan and Valerie pretend they’ve never met. She asks Steve out on one of the dates Dylan said he wouldn’t take her on.
Donna reluctantly goes to tea and is surprised to learn that the guy Felice wants to set her up with is Griffin. She figures out that he knew who she was at the frat party and was checking her out. They decide to go to the beach instead of staying for tea. Brandon meets with Chancellor Arnold, who names him the acting president until everything’s sorted out. Brandon’s willing to just resign, since Josh is the one who was elected. The chancellor wants him to just wait everything out. He also asks him to keep Steve in line.
Clare and David work on their TV-station stuff at the beach apartment; even though they’re supposedly just friends, he totally has his arm around her shoulders. Donna finds them together and assures them that they can all work together and be friends. Oh, and would they like to be friends with Griffin, too?
Brandon continues moping, this time in the form of flashing back to Josh’s accident. Gloria comes by to deliver a letter Josh wrote their mother the day before he died. It’s all about how awesome Brandon is and how he’d make a great president. Brandon reads the letter to Kelly and admits that he used to hate Josh. He wishes he’d gotten a chance to tell Josh he wasn’t such a jerk after all. Kelly assures him that Josh knew; that’s why he wrote the letter. Brandon’s decided he wants to stay president so he can carry out Josh’s plans.
Thoughts: Griffin is played by Casper Van Dien. He’s so pretty, y’all.
Josh was going to edit the Condor AND be student-body president? Does he have Hermione’s time-turner?
Speaking of overachievers, Clare is double-majoring in French lit and physics, with a minor in communications. That’s three reasons I wouldn’t want to hang out with her.
Andrea brings Hannah to the memorial service and the senate meeting. Andrea, get a sitter.
Brandon: “Steve, are you insane? You can’t serve alcohol on campus!” I think Brandon has KEG confused with one of those famed milk-guzzling frats.
January 13, 2013
BH90210 5.3, A Clean Slate: Race You to the Bottom
Getting hit by a cement truck is rarely a good thing
Summary: In the Walshes’ garage, Valerie finds a box of Brenda’s things, including a picture of Dylan. She asks Cindy and Jim if they’ve heard of Jack McKay, claiming a business ethics professor mentioned him in class. The Walshes give her a brief recap of Jack’s life, adding that they knew him because he was Dylan’s father. Now Valerie’s intrigued.
On campus, David tapes a report for the school TV station about the upcoming special elections for president and vice president. Apparently each race represented on campus is backing a different candidate, so no one will end up with a mandate. David sneezes and ruins the segment. Brandon and his ugly tie try to campaign, but Kelly’s the only person who wants to talk to him.
Josh tells him the Condor won’t back them even though Josh is the editor; they’re backing the Latino students. Alex Diaz, who’s running the Latino students’ campaign, offers Josh the chance to back out and serve on the Latinos’ cabinet instead. He adds that Brandon is “the chancellor’s lackey,” which ticks Brandon off. (Apparently he didn’t think there would be any mudslinging in this political election.)
Donna welcomes Kelly home to the beach apartment with the news that she’s found them a new roommate. Oh, and this roommate knows Brandon through the taskforce. Yep, it’s Clare. Kelly objects to the proposed living arrangements. Clare insists that she’s over Brandon – he was lousy in bed. Kelly notes that Clare never slept with him. Clare amends her statement to say that him not sleeping with her was the lousy part. Kelly decides to give the new roommate a shot.
Brandon and Josh go to the Peach Pit, discussing Josh’s poor driving skills. (Foreshadowing!) Steve is their campaign manager and has put up a poster in the diner. Josh suggests that Brandon get D’Shawn to endorse them. Brandon tries but D’Shawn wants to stay neutral. Andrea wants to go to the school candidates’ debate, but Jesse wants her to stay home for some family time. Andrea complains that Brandon never asks her opinion anymore.
Valerie wants to skip the candidates’ debate, even though Brandon notes that Steve will miss seeing her. She admits that Jim got a little upset when she mentioned Dylan the night before. Brandon tells her more about Jim and Dylan’s dealings with each other, and how Dylan just hangs out and plays pool now. Valerie remarks that her father played pool a lot.
Andrea goes to the debate alone and offers to help Brandon with the speech he’ll now have to give in Josh’s absence (his car broke down). The debate is supposed to be peaceful but doesn’t go so well. Brandon gets the audience to laugh by saying things that aren’t even funny, because he’s just that good. He bashes the other candidates for not discussing the issues, then talks about unity and working together and blah blah blah, everyone loves him.
Valerie tracks Dylan down at a pool hall and they turn the flirting up to 11. “I want…a man…to ache… for me,” she says with that exact awkward intonation. Over at the beach apartment, Kelly and Donna can’t sleep because Clare snores. Womp womp.
Josh goes by the Walshes’ the next morning and tells Jim that the debate got them a lot of votes. Brandon disagrees, but Josh accuses him of false modesty, saying Brandon wants to win as badly as Josh does. Jim says they deserve each other. Valerie continues to charm Cindy, who has no idea where she spent the previous night (or, more accurately, who she was with).
Kelly and Donna mention Clare’s snoring to her; Kelly even recorded it so Clare can hear it for herself. Clare offers to move out, but Donna says they’ll find a cure. Clare’s tried everything and claims she only snores when she’s with a guy. Maybe Brandon can help her out? Kelly isn’t amused.
Nat asks Dylan for money for a new air conditioner at the diner, though I don’t know where Dylan’s getting his money from now. He runs into Steve, who tries to tell him about the debate; Dylan cares about as much as I do. Steve can tell that something’s wrong with Dylan but thinks he’s just upset about Kelly being with Brandon. Dylan says he’s already hooked up with someone. Steve has, too, and tells Dylan a) it’s Valerie and b) she lives with the Walshes. Dylan’s surprised.
Things are looking up for Josh and Brandon, though some people think Brandon should be president instead of Josh. Andrea won’t sit with them, Kelly, and Donna, since she’s mad that Brandon isn’t paying any attention to her. Kelly tells her to stop being neurotic (HA! Yeah, right) and talk to Brandon.
Alex approaches and produces a copy of the article Josh started writing the previous year about Brandon taking a test for D’Shawn. Josh insists that the article was never published in the Condor because it turned out not to be true. Alex accuses him of pulling the article and instead making a deal with Brandon, which would get Josh in good with the chancellor. He threatens to present the article at that night’s student senate meeting if Josh doesn’t drop out of the election.
Josh refuses, so Alex predicts that he’ll be disqualified from the election and Brandon will be kicked out of CU. (Not without evidence, moron.) The guys have four hours to make up their minds before the senate convenes. Andrea thinks the article doesn’t present enough evidence, but Brandon’s mad that it exists at all. Josh is willing to give in to Alex’s demands; even if he and Brandon won, someone would demand a second vote.
Andrea suggests that they put out a flier refuting everything in the article and using it as an example of bad politics. Josh is on board but Brandon now wants to drop out of the race. He thinks it’s possible a professor could have changed a grade for D’Shawn, and he doesn’t want to get D’Shawn in trouble. Josh suggests that they talk to D’Shawn before they make any decisions. Brandon doesn’t want to have that conversation with D’Shawn, so Donna offers to do the talking.
Valerie returns to the pool hall (Dylan isn’t there) and smokes, because she is a Bad Girl. Meanwhile, the senate convenes but no one’s heard from Donna or D’Shawn. While Kelly goes looking for them, Andrea tells Brandon to stop playing martyr and accept that he needs to be a leader. This is the same as his “Donna Martin graduates” campaign, so he should just do his thing.
Alex addresses the student senate, calling Brandon part of a scheme to bring about “academic apartheid.” (Dude. Calm down.) He rants about how D’Shawn won’t get a real education if professors and students keep babying him, and points out that scholarship athletes are always minorities while their tutors are always white. D’Shawn arrives and shuts him down, defending Brandon. He adds that he’s maintained his academic eligibility on his own since his tutoring. Also, anyone who thinks he isn’t smart enough to go to CU is racist. Whee!
Dylan finally shows up at the pool hall and engages in some horrible innuendo with Valerie. He asks her who she is, but she won’t tell him. Steve does some more campaigning and tells Brandon that he and Kelly have been authorized to count votes after the election. (That seems…not right.) Alex has been fired from the Latinos’ campaign, which is now in shambles. Brandon spots Clare with Donna, and Kelly casually tells him that she’s living at the beach apartment. Steve wonders where Valerie is.
I know where she is! She’s at Dylan’s. Specifically, she’s in Dylan’s bed. P.S. They aren’t wearing clothes. There’s more innuendo. At the beach apartment, Donna introduces Clare to her new snoring cure: a blow-up doll. Kelly wants to borrow him, so I guess Brandon really is lousy in bed. Valerie has to leave Dylan’s to make curfew, so he drives her home, pretending he doesn’t know exactly where they’re going. When they arrive, he accuses her of knowing who he was the first time they met. Meanwhile, everyone sleeps well at the beach apartment.
The next morning, it’s election time! David finally knows what he’s doing for the TV station. By the way, David needs a plot. Brandon, Josh, and their supporters gather at the Peach Pit that evening while they wait for the election results. Brandon is meant to Jim and Cindy and makes them leave. Andrea and Jesse bring Hannah, who looks half the size she was earlier in the episode.
Josh is nervous and decides to go for a drive to kill time before the results come in. Brandon wonders what they’ll do if they actually win the election. Josh tells him they’ll make it up as they go along. As Brandon heads back to the diner, Josh pulls out of the parking lot over his shoulder, turns left, and immediately gets hit by a truck. As Josh’s body is taken away, Kelly and Steve arrive and tell Brandon that he and Josh won.
Thoughts: Poor Mark Damon Espinoza – they added him to the main casat and he still doesn’t get to do anything.
Kelly drinks Shasta. Remember Shasta? Apparently they still make it, but I couldn’t tell you where in the world you could buy it.
Dylan in a plain white T-shirt is proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy.
Andra appears to be reading The Stand. First of all, when does she have time to read? Second of all, I can’t see her liking Stephen King.
When Kelly said Donna and D’Shawn were MIA, I hoped they were making out in a closet somewhere.
I enjoy the irony of this show talking about racism when everyone in the cast is white.
Valerie’s hair looks better post-romp in the sack than mine has in my entire life. I hate her.
The accident scene was well done. You can see Josh drive off over Brandon’s shoulder; then he bends over to pick up a campaign flier and there’s honking and a big crash. The set-up of the scene doesn’t telegraph that something big is going to happen.
December 28, 2012
Dawson’s Creek 6.24, …Must Come to an End: Soul Mates
And they all lived happily ever after. Uh, except Jen
Summary: Jen’s friends have gathered at the hospital, and Jack tells them that she wants them to be happy and not cry when they visit her. Pacey is elected to see her first. Doug comes by with flowers and assures Jack that he’s still here for him. Dawson and Joey join Pacey in Jen’s room, and they don’t appreciate Jen’s black humor. Later, Joey goes home to the bed and breakfast, where Bessie accuses her of trying to avoid Christopher. She also thinks Joey’s still in love with both Pacey and Dawson. Bessie makes her call Christopher to officially break things off.
Dawson and Lily watch Harold and Maude, which Lily hates because Maude dies. (Uh, spoiler.) Dawson teaches her what a soul mate is, but Lily doesn’t care – she just wants to know if she can move into Dawson’s old room. Joey visits Pacey at the Icehouse and he makes her dinner. She calls him on continually complaining about being stuck in Capeside, since he has a great life there. He tells her that her return has reminded him of what he’s capable of.
They throw food at each other, and just when he’s about to start a serious conversation, she throws more food. She wonders if it’s okay for them to be having a good time while Jen’s dying. Pacey thinks this is the perfect time for some levity. The next day, Joey tells Jen about her breakup with Christopher; Jen says Joey always jumps into relationships with her heart, then jumps out with her head. They talk about Dawson’s show, and Jen admits that she hates the girl who was cast as her character. Joey says that at least Jen’s character gets to have sex.
Joey continues that the triangle isn’t about Sam choosing between Colby and Petey. She needs to make a decision for herself. Jen asks if they can use real names instead of character names. Joey wishes she’d seen the truth without the TV show. She’s always known who she’s supposed to be with, but fear makes her run, and she’s comfortable running. Jen offers to make it her dying wish that Joey make up her mind once and for all. Before Joey can share her decision, Dawson interrupts.
Dawson takes Jen outside so she can film a goodbye message for Amy. It includes a list of things Jen wishes for her, including the hope that Amy can believe in God, even if Jen doesn’t. It doesn’t matter if God exists or not as long as Amy believes in something. She also needs to love with her whole body and not run away from the person she falls in love with. Pacey shows Jen footage he stole from Dawson of the kids messing around with each other in the first season. It’s set to Alanis Morissette’s “Hand in My Pocket,” because of course it is. Then they talk about Joey, because of course they do.
Pacey says that she makes him feel alive, but Jen thinks he needs to feel that way because of himself, not someone else. She hopes he, Joey, and Dawson can stay friends no matter what happens. Jen starts crying and says she doesn’t want to leave her daughter alone. Pacey promises that Amy won’t be alone, and he’ll be spending Saturday nights with her. Suddenly Jen gets a surprise visitor – Andie.
Joey finds Dawson outside and he tells her he wasted too much time in his “Hollywood bubble.” He still owes the show a season-finale script, but he can’t think straight to write. Joey tells him not to feel guilty about being caught up in his own life. He isn’t sure why he even cares so much about a stupid show when his friend is dying. Dawson continues that seeing Joey again brought all his memories back. She tells him that they’re together every week on TV; he turned his life into something fictional, but it’s also real. As a writer, he gets to “live life twice.”
Pacey and Andie talk about Jen’s worsening condition, then lament that they haven’t kept in touch better. He says she was his first love, but he still hasn’t been able to get things right. She tells him it’s not about getting it right, it’s about recognizing when something’s wrong and fixing it. Jack asks Jen what will happen to Amy; he wants to take care of her. Jen thinks he would be a great father and asks him to help Amy find “a place to be.” She herself was always the instigator, and she wants Amy to be different, to belong. “You belong to me,” Jack says. “You’re my soul mate.”
Everyone passes the time in the waiting room, and eventually Jen wakes up, looks over at a sleeping Grams, and dies. “I’ll see you soon, child,” Grams tells her. There’s a wake at the Icehouse, where Doug watches Jack longingly and Pacey encourages them to talk. He finds Joey in the kitchen and tells her she’s “off the hook,” meaning he wants to let her go so he can be happy. He’s always loved her, but he needs to stop worrying about when the timing will be right. They both need to be happy, even if that means Joey has to be with someone else. It’s enough for Pacey just to have been in love with her.
Joey says she doesn’t want him to release her. Everything she’s done in her life has led her back to Pacey. She loves him, and that’s what’s kept her moving. Dawson is still her soul mate, but her love for him is innocent and tied to her childhood. She doesn’t want to be let off the hook because she’ll just keep running. Pacey asks what she means, but Gail and Bessie interrupt before she can explain.
Jack takes Amy to the beach, where Doug finds them. Jack tells him he’s thinking about moving to a place where Amy will be more comfortable having a gay parent. He’s tired of being a groundbreaker in Capeside; he wants to give Amy a normal life. Doug points out that Amy will have a gay parent no matter where she lives, and she’ll always have to deal with rejection. Jack just has to show her how to handle it.
Doug wants to help him, but Jack thinks he feels pity or a sense of obligation. Doug announces that he loves Jack, and that Jack will stand out no matter where he lives. Doug wants to stand out with him. They kiss, but Jack gets a little flustered when they spot an elderly couple walking by. Doug greets them and says he was just kissing his boyfriend. “That’s sweet, dear,” the wife says. The guys laugh.
Outside the Leerys’, while Alexander and Lily play together, Dawson has a flashback to Jen’s arrival in Capeside. Joey joins him and asks him to write a happy ending for his season finale. He muses on the phrase “life and death” since birth, not life, is the opposite of death: “Life has no opposite.” Dawson’s life is real, not fiction, for the first time in a long time. He knows he and Joey will always be connected because what they have goes beyond friendship or a romantic relationship. Just then Lily calls to Alexander to climb the ladder to her new room.
This inspires Dawson’s season finale, which includes Sam climbing up to Colby’s room to say, “I don’t want to wait for my life to be over. I want to know right now, what will it be?” (Gag.) Joey watches from her New York apartment as Sam and Colby kiss. “You and me. Always,” he says. Joey thinks this was the perfect ending. Pacey, who’s watching with her, admits to crying at the scene. They call Dawson in L.A. and learn that he has a meeting the next day with Spielberg. Then there are flashbacks, and then we’re done! Forever!
Thoughts: I mentioned that I started rewatching Angel (crazy Laura from Beverly Hills, 90210 was in the first episode), and there was also someone familiar in the second episode: Bodie. He had more dialogue in that one episode than he had in six years of Dawson’s Creek.
Good casting on Lily – she looks like she could be Gail’s daughter.
Pacey confirms it: Joey did go to Paris.
Seriously, music guys? Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”? Was that really necessary?
Jen’s message to Amy totally made me cry. And then I cried again when she died. And a little when Doug and Jack got back together. I hate myself.
Um, where were Jen’s parents? Eh, I guess that’s par for the course for them.
Well, it took me two years, but I finished the show! I can’t say I regret it, but I don’t exactly feel more fulfilled in life or anything. Stay tuned for a new show, coming next week.
November 4, 2012
BH90210 4.23, A Pig Is a Boy Is a Dog: Dog Gone
Get your tissues ready…
Summary: Donna and David go for a run with Rocky, who tires out and gets no sympathy from David. At the Walshes’, Brenda wonders how Brandon and Kelly are getting along, and it’s totally not because she wants Kelly and Dylan to break up. She knows Brandon’s seeing someone, so he tells her he’s been sleeping with Lucinda. He warns Brenda to keep quiet so Josh doesn’t find out. (And also the school administration, of course.)
Dylan sees a picture of Kelly and Brandon in the Condor and tries to keep the ensuing conversation about it light. Things get much less light when he brings up Lucinda’s views on monogamy (sleeping with one person at a time) and Kelly defends her. She wants him to give funding her documentary a second thought, so she asks him to have dinner with the two of them. Josh watches them together, then remarks to Kelly that the last time he saw her with a guy, it was Brandon.
Steve and Brandon play golf, for some reason, and Steve complains about his father. Brandon notes that they’ve entered a father/son golf tournament, so Steve’s complaints don’t really hold water. Back at CU, Brenda and Donna go to a meeting held by the animal-rights activists. They want to hold a rally while the board of trustees convenes, possibly to agree to ban all animal testing. One of the activists asks after Rocky, warning that sometimes animals from labs end up getting really sick.
Brenda goes home for dinner but announces she’s not eating red meat anymore. Brandon reminds her that her boots are leather. “Why can’t she ever do anything halfway?” Jim wonders. Kelly shows up and tells Brandon that Dylan’s willing to have dinner with Lucinda and might agree to fund her film after all. She wants Brandon to come so Dylan will see how comfortable he is with Lucinda. Kelly also thinks Dylan’s bothered by her and Brandon spending so much time together.
Rocky doesn’t seem to be feeling well, so we can all see where this is going. (Hint: It ends with a dead dog.) Brandon tells Lucinda that he’s told Kelly and Brenda about their relationship; she’s not happy. He thinks getting Dylan to fund the film will make things work out for them because Lucinda will be able to stop teaching, and then their relationship won’t have to be a secret. Josh shows up and Brandon hides while Josh makes arrangements to talk to Lucinda about him.
The next day, Kelly and Lucinda discuss the dinner party and Brandon. Lucinda appreciates how happy he’s been since he came back from the retreat. David takes Rocky to the vet and tells Brenda, but not Donna, that the dog has cancer. She advises him to wait to tell her. Then the girls bug Andrea about not standing up for a good cause (animal rights) like she usually does. Andrea takes them to the lab and tells them their animal testing is helping researchers study SIDS. Brenda’s still anti-lab.
Kelly makes Dylan’s house all pretty for the dinner party, telling Dylan that Lucinda’s boyfriend will be coming to dinner. Oh, did she mention that said boyfriend is Brandon? Dylan glowers his best glower at the news and isn’t all that nice to Brandon when he arrives. Donna tries to give Rocky medicine, but he seems to be getting worse. David has a hard time telling her that Rocky won’t be getting better, and the vet thinks he should be put to sleep. Donna’s in denial.
Over at the world’s most awkward dinner party, Dylan makes it clear that he doesn’t dislike Lucinda’s film, but he doesn’t plan to back it. He thinks she needs a woman to produce and distribute it. Brandon thinks they should call it an evening. After he and Lucinda leave, Kelly blasts Dylan for being rude and not taking part in something that could be great. He tells her that Lucinda tried to seduce him the last time they got together. Kelly doesn’t believe him.
Donna’s denial/magical thinking may have made Rocky a little better, and she and Brenda turn their focus to the animal-rights rally and trying to get Andrea on their side. They skip Lucinda’s class, where Kelly questions her instructor about cultures in which women go after other women’s mates. Lucinda tells her that Eskimos are so close that they have bonds with each other’s lovers. Kelly reminds her that they’re not Eskimos. Lucinda thinks relationships are healthier if people are honest with each other about their sexual impulses.
The animal-rights rally is well-attended but unsuccessful: The board of trustees votes to postpone making a decision on animal testing. Brenda leads a chant about animal rights, and it’s no “Donna Martin graduates.” Then the students yell at the head trustee until someone reminds them that they’re supposed to be anti-violence.
Andrea, Jesse, Brandon, and Steve have a boring conversation at the Peach Pit about baby names. Kelly interrupts to talk to Brandon, and Andrea mentions that Kelly and Lucinda had a weird, subtext-laden conversation during class. Kelly thinks she needs to tell Dylan about her and Brandon’s kiss at the retreat. Brandon says he should be the one to break the news. Now Rocky’s sick again, and Brenda thinks Donna should stop trying to fight his inevitable death. It’s too late – he’s already gone. Brenda vows to get revenge on the lab researchers.
Before he goes to see Dylan, Brandon visits Lucinda and confronts her about Dylan’s accusations. She tries to make it sound like there was mutual flirting. She also knows from Josh that Brandon and Kelly were overly close on the retreat. Brandon admits that he feels bad about that because Dylan’s his friend. Lucinda thinks he’s making a big deal out of nothing; her flirtation with Dylan doesn’t change her feelings for Brandon. But Brandon isn’t interested in her anymore.
Kelly comforts Donna, who wants to have a memorial for Rocky. Kelly’s also had a bad night, as she just told Dylan what happened with Brandon on the retreat. Dylan heads straight to the Walshes’, where Steve is as clueless as ever about what’s going on. When he finds out that Brandon made a move on Kelly, he’s a little proud. He also wants to hear more about the “sex freak,” as Dylan refers to Lucinda. Brandon encourages Dylan to hit him, but Dylan accidentally punches Steve in the nose. “Do you know how much this nose cost?” Steve yells.
Brandon announces that everything’s his fault. “Hey, nothing’s your fault until I say it’s your fault,” Dylan replies. “It’s your fault.” Brandon thinks Lucinda would love to see them at each other’s throats. He tells Steve and Dylan that the relationship’s over. Then Cindy calls everyone inside for brownies, so everything’s good now.
Brenda tracks down the animal-rights activists, who are plotting something, and asks to be a part of whatever they decide to do. One of the activists is hesitant to let her join them since they don’t know anything about her, but the others agree to let her be their lookout when they break into the lab. Meanwhile, Dylan and Kelly literally kiss and make up, because she’s actually flattered that the guys fought over her.
The activists break into Andrea’s lab, though they tell Brenda they’re only going through that one to get to the ones that aren’t trying to help babies. The activists free a bunch of animals and throw papers everywhere. Suddenly the FBI storms the lab and Brenda’s arrested, despite the fact that she’s just standing in the hallway and isn’t necessarily involved in the raid. But whatever. It’s a cliffhanger!
Thoughts: Andrea, you can stop carrying things in front of your stomach. We all know you’re pregnant.
Mopey Dylan is no fun. Turn that frown upside-down already.
Lucinda just has a plate of fruit and pastries lying around, I guess in case she has an unexpected visitor. What a weird woman.
Why do they keep bringing Jesse in for one scene a week? Though I guess it’s not all bad, since any time this episode airs, Mark Damon Espinoza gets, like, 20 cents.
There’s a little message at the end of the episode in which Tori Spelling tells us that a) this was the 100th episode and b) the dog that played Rocky was named Poundcake. That is an adorable name for a dog.
September 1, 2012
SVH #127, Dance of Death: Disturbing Behavior
That’s the guy everyone’s so excited about? Everyone needs to calm down
Summary: Some girl is dead and Jessica’s with Jonathan. But first, let’s deal with Elizabeth’s love life. Todd catches her with Joey and decides he’s done being oblivious/letting her cheat on him whenever she wants without consequences. Elizabeth doesn’t really have time to deal with him, though, since she thinks Jessica’s been murdered. She and Joey race to Secca Lake, but of course the deal girl isn’t Jessica. She’s safe and sound (…I guess) with Jonathan, who’s still playing his “I’m so attracted to you but we can’t be together” game with her. He kicks her out, but when Enid shows up, he lets her in and sucks face with her. Then he sucks neck with her. Though he’s the only one doing the sucking.
Now that two teenagers are dead, Sweet Valley decides to try to protect everyone else. They institute a curfew for everyone under 18, which the SVH kids hate. Bruce and the now-goth Todd (because remember, everyone loves Jonathan and wants to be exactly like him) decide to host a big party at Jonathan’s house to a) offer everyone some curfew-breaking fun and b) spend time with their new idol. Jonathan objects to the party but ultimately decides there isn’t much he can do about it. Before then, he sucks on Enid’s neck some more, and now Jessica’s really ticked. Then her cat gets murdered, seemingly by the same person who killed the two teenagers and drained their blood.
Elizabeth is still worried about Jessica spending time with Jonathan, so she decides to go to the party to keep an eye on her. She doesn’t want to tell Joey about the party, since she’s realized she’s not as into him as she was over the summer, but he learns about it and gets mad that she lied about her plans. Maria goes to the party with Liz, and they’re basically the only two people there who aren’t obsessed with Jonathan and haven’t gone goth. (Maria is also the only sane person left in Sweet Valley. I kind of love her.) Elizabeth sees Todd dancing with Amy’s visiting cousin Katrina and gets jealous, then kind of wishes she’d brought Joey with her.
Jessica decides it’s time to seduce Jonathan, or something, so she waits for him in his bedroom. He tells her he does want to be with her and Enid means nothing to him. While they’re making out, the lights go out and all the candles in the house are blown out. Elizabeth enlists Todd to help her turn on the breakers, and when the lights come back on, they hear screaming. Katrina’s dead, and her blood has been drained.
Thoughts: “The new Enid was hip and sophisticated.” No, sweetie. The new Enid is emo. No one emo has ever been mistaken for hip or sophisticated.
Everyone’s mad that the curfew is 10 p.m. First of all, 10 p.m. is pretty generous. Second, I think the second teen was killed earlier in the evening than that, so it’s not going to do much good.
GHOSTWRITER. TEENAGERS DO NO WATCH HUMPHREY BOGART MOVIES. THEY WATCH ACTION MOVIES AND HORROR MOVIES AND THE NOTEBOOK. STOP PRETENDING YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TEENAGERS.
Todd’s plan is to become like Jonathan and make Elizabeth regret ditching him. Too bad Elizabeth doesn’t like Jonathan and that will probably just turn her off even more.
I want Joey to be the killer. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Enid and the other goth girls still hang out at the Dairi Burger. How dark and sinister.
The teens having a party while there’s a serial killer on the loose reminds me of Scream. And everything worked out well there, so it’s a great idea.
August 20, 2012
SVH #126, Tall, Dark, and Deadly: Look Who’s Stalking
Okay, the guy in the window is legit creepy, but the rest of the book is ridiculous
Summary: Jessica goes looking for a lost earring in a Dumpster at the Dairi Burger and instead finds a kitten. Oh, and a dead guy. His blood has been drained and there’s something on his neck that looks like a bite mark. So clearly this was an accidental death and the police have no reason to investigate. Yeah, I wish. Anyway, no one knows what happened, and the only witness is the cat, who Jessica takes home and names Jasmine.
In what’s certainly a coincidence that has nothing to do with the murder, there’s a new guy in school, Jonathan Cain. He’s pale and wears dark clothes and is all mysterious. You know, like someone whose name rhymes with Bedward Mullen. All the girls at school immediately fall in love with him, especially Jessica, who makes him her latest obsession, and Enid, who goes goth for him. Enid’s ticked that Elizabeth’s hanging out with Maria Slater, which means Liz isn’t around to tell her she’s being a huge idiot.
Elizabeth thinks Jonathan’s a jerk, but Jessica basically starts stalking him. She buys a hot red dress to impress him, then jumps on the back of his motorcycle. Rather than call the police to report a psych stalker, Jonathan tells Liz to keep her sister away from him. Enid also stalks him, following him home to a huge mansion that looks like it’s really abandoned. Oh, and Jessica finds her earring on her windowsill, which is admittedly weird.
In the middle of all this, Liz is flipping out over Joey, her camp crush, who’s going to be transferring to UCLA. She thinks about dumping Todd but chickens out. Maria proves to be the smartest person in the series by giving her actual good advice (like “cut it out already), but of course Elizabeth won’t listen to her. Liz gets a letter from Joey and finds a paddle from camp in her locker, so it looks like Jessica and Enid aren’t the only stalkers in the book. Elizabeth decides it’s better to be bored with Todd but not hurt his feelings, so she tries to forget about Joey.
The stories collide when Jessica sneaks out one night to go see Jonathan. Enid’s also on her way there because the girl is seriously, seriously obsessed. Elizabeth hears a news report about a blond teenager being found at Secca Lake with her blood drained. She thinks it’s Jessica and calls Todd to come get her and take her to the lake. But instead, Joey shows up. Meanwhile, Jessica goes to Jonathan’s house, where he kisses her, then tells her she made a mistake coming there.
Thoughts: I hate this everyone’s-in-love-with-the-vampiry-guy Twilight crap. I prefer my vampire stories to involve slayers and souls.
Of course Enid goes goth. Of all the SVH teens, she’s the one who would go goth.
Maria drives a tan Mercedes. Why get a Mercedes if you’re not going to get one that’s red or silver?
After she loses the earring, Jessica keeps wearing the other one by itself. That is a weird girl. But I can’t help thinking of the other girls at school doing the same thing, like Jessica’s Regina George accidentally starting a new trend.
When Jessica jumps on his motorcycle, Jonathan drivers her around for a while, then yells at her about it. So why let her ride with you if you didn’t want her to?
June 25, 2012
Dawson’s Creek 5.15, Downtown Crossing: My Father the Hero
“Would you like to exchange bon mots before I take all your money? You go first”
Summary: Joey’s still walking home but pauses to get some money from an ATM. She calls Professor Wilder (who insists that she call him David) and asks if she can come by. She goes back to the sidewalk, not seeming to realize that someone’s following her. Her follower starts talking to her, promising he’s not going to mug her or attack her, but he’s definitely sketchy.
Joey tries to keep walking, but he stops her and asks to borrow some money. She refuses and keeps trying to leave. He won’t let her pass, warning her that it’s late and she could run into someone really dangerous. Joey’s able to walk away, but the guy stops her again and says he really needs her money – and he has a gun.
The guy pulls Joey into a doorway and demands the money again. She lies that she doesn’t have any, but he saw her at the ATM and thinks she’s a rich college girl. The guy puts the gun away, but Joey taunts him and he brings it back out. This time she hands over her cash, which isn’t enough for him. He wants her cell phone, too, and threatens to pat her down for it. She hands it over, and while he’s admiring it, she kicks him and runs off.
The mugger tackles Joey on the sidewalk, then lets her up and asks her name. He wants any credit cards or ATM cards she might have. He wants her to withdraw all her money from the ATM, but she tells him she only has $27. She actually has $47 in checking, but a few hundred in savings, which the guy will happily take. He reveals that he’s a drug dealer, which, of course, Joey doesn’t like. The guy likes her, however, and says this has been a pleasant experience.
The mugger starts asking personal questions, like whether Joey’s a virgin or has a boyfriend. He tells her he’s married, which she finds hard to believe. It seems he and his wife had a fight, and he wants to know how to make things up to her. Joey starts to leave, but first the mugger wants her coat to give to his wife. He leaves her in the bank, follows her after she leaves, and is promptly hit by a car, which drives away.
Joey gets her coat back from the unconscious mugger and tries to take her cell phone so she can call for help. The guy wakes up and knocks the phone out of reach, pulling out his gun again. He refuses to go to jail and won’t even let Joey go get her phone. She tells him calmly that she’s going to call an ambulance, and he’s free to shoot her if he wants. He pulls the trigger, but the gun isn’t loaded.
Joey’s furious but still wants to call an ambulance for THE GUY WHO JUST ROBBED HER AND WAS PROBABLY CONSIDERING RAPING HER. He thinks he’s experiencing karma for the mugging. Joey asks if there’s anything she can do while they wait for help. All he wants is heroin. When she says she doesn’t have any and he tells her to shut up, she tells him to watch his tone. (I swear, all of this happened.) Then she lights a cigarette for him.
The two start talking about drugs, particularly why a drug dealer would bother mugging college students when he already makes enough money. He says his wife wants more than he can afford to give her. She kicked him out and he’s trying to win her back. Joey offers to call her, but the mugger doesn’t want her to know what happened.
He starts talking about meeting his wife, then segues into being at someone else’s mercy. He wonders why Joey’s being so nice to him. She tells him she wants to make sure he goes to jail. She admits that her father was a drug dealer; she always wondered why someone would become one. She thinks she might be showing kindness to the mugger so she can get her answer. The police arrive and want to take Joey to the hospital just in case. She says no, then passes out.
Joey regains consciousness in the hospital and asks about her mugger, who has internal bleeding and is in surgery. In the hallway, she sees a little girl just standing around and takes her to find her parents. They come across her mother, who was looking for her, and she asks Joey to sit with her for a minute. The girl tells Joey that her dad is sick – “he got hit by a car.”
The girl’s mother, Grace, returns and Joey realizes that she doesn’t know all the circumstances of her husband’s accident. She asks Grace to tell her about her husband. Grace says they got married too young; she follows him to the city to be the Courtney Love to his Kurt Cobain. She was finally getting her life together, having kicked him out, but her daughter, Sammy, is upset that he’s gone.
Grace asks Joey what happened to her mugger. Joey tells her, and it takes Grace a minute to realize who it was. “If it makes you feel any better, he was really nice about it,” Joey replies. (NO, HE WASN’T!) Grace starts to leave, telling Joey she doesn’t care if her husband lives or dies. Joey asks about Sammy, but Grace thinks she’s better off without her father. Joey tells Grace she’s been in Sammy’s place, and Sammy has no idea that her father’s a bad guy. Grace needs to give her a chance to say goodbye. Grace tells her to stay out of it.
The mugger wakes up and asks for Joey. The doctor tells her he’s in bad shape and may need more surgery. Joey sits with the mugger, telling him she met his wife and daughter. He wants to answer her earlier question about why someone would become a drug dealer. He took Sammy to school a few weeks ago and was supposed to give her daycare $500. Instead, he spent it on heroin. He loves Grace and Sammy, but he is who he is. “You wanna know why people do the things they do?” he asks. “There is no why, sweetheart. They just do.”
Joey disagrees – if the mugger really loved Sammy, he would do the right thing. He says it’s not possible because of his drug problems. Joey asks what he’ll say when Sammy comes to him in 15 years and asks why he didn’t choose her. He says he’ll tell her to grow up and move on. Joey points out that he cared enough to want to get the $500 back. Now he’s going to die alone.
Joey starts to leave, stopping when the mugger asks if Sammy will ever forgive him. Joey tells him about her tenth birthday, when her father took her to the park to play. She didn’t realize until years later that everyone knew him and liked him because he was their drug dealer. Her father did a lot of bad stuff, but that day at the park is still one of her favorite days of all time.
The mugger asks what Joey was singing to herself when he saw her on the street. She tells him it was the Carpenters’ “Close to You,” which her father used to sing to her. They both sing it, and seriously, I swear, this is all real. Then the mugger laughs a little and flatlines. Doctors try to revive him, but he’s gone.
On her way out, Joey runs into Grace and Sammy. Grace can tell from Joey’s face that her husband is dead. Sammy asks if her dad did something bad to Joey. She says no – he did something nice to her. The car was going to hit her, but he pushed her out of the way and saved her life. Sammy tells Grace that her father is a hero. When they’re not looking, Joey slips her $500 into Grace’s purse.
Thoughts: Grace is played by Mercedes McNab, who most people would probably recognize as Harmony from Buffy and Angel.
The concept of this episode is good – just one main character, almost real-time, a suspenseful experience – but the execution is horrible. There’s no tension at all. And Joey’s so annoying that it’s hard to even worry that she’s in danger. Why would she think sassing a guy with a guy is a good idea? I know she’s snarky and all, but come on!
Joey regains consciousness while sitting up, not lying down. What kind of crap hospital did they take her to? The doctor also just lets her leave two minutes after she wakes up, and there are no police officers around to question her. Then the doctor says the mugger has a chest wound, but it’s obvious he doesn’t. THIS EPISODE IS SO STUPID.
I hope Joey has to ask Bessie for money and then has to tell her she gave all her savings to the family of a guy who robbed her at gunpoint.
June 12, 2012
SVH #122, A Kiss Before Dying: The Black Widow Strikes Again
Why does the twins’ hair look gray?
Summary: Just like at the end of In Love With the Enemy and the beginning of The High School War, the SVH and Palisades boys are in trouble with the police. And again, it’s because Elizabeth called them. She’s also upset that Jessica’s dating Palisades’ so-called “gang leader.” Todd’s mad at Liz, but she won’t back down, leading the girls at SVH in a mass protest against the boys. She announces that there will be no interaction with the guys until they end the war.
The Palisades girls are basically with the SVH girls in this, and Rosie, the girl Jessica entered the surfing competition to beat, reaches out to Elizabeth with an idea that she thinks will end the war. She suggests that they tell both groups of guys that the other school has agreed to surrender, so the guys will make peace without admitting defeat. Elizabeth tells Rosie a bunch of stuff, including where the SVH guys have been hanging out.
Rosie arranges to meet Liz at a diner, then head over to Bruce’s with her so they can talk to the SVH guys. But the diner is really a biker hangout, and Rosie doesn’t show, because Elizabeth is dumb and gullible, and Rosie is kind of a horrible person. She leads the Palisades guys to Bruce’s house for an all-out brawl. Liz figures it out, and she, Jessica, and Enid head to the Patmans, arriving in time to see a Palisades boy accidentally knock Christian to the ground. He hits his head and falls into the pool. Jessica pulls Christian out of the water and the twins give him CPR, but his neck is broken and he dies in the hospital.
The guys from both schools immediately realize that the war isn’t worth someone dying, so they call a truce and everyone makes up. Jessica spends the next couple of weeks in her bedroom, not wanting to do anything or talk to anyone. Christian’s mother visits and they spend some time talking about him. Then she gives Jessica Christian’s surfboard, and Jessica decides to use it in the big competition she entered. She beats Rosie, who’s still a jerk, and dedicates her win to Christian.
Thoughts: Okay, this is Jessica’s third boyfriend to die. That’s just messed up.
I can’t believe the ghostwriter knew Lysistrata, where Elizabeth got her no-touchy-for-the-boys idea.
Elizabeth wears leggings with a long sweater. As the Fug Girls would say, Liz needs to look into pants.
For assault, vandalism, disturbing the peace, trespassing, hitting a cop, destruction of property, and battery, Todd only gets 30 hours of community service. Yeah, I bet. Rory Gilmore got 100 hours and all she did was steal a yacht.
Elizabeth, at the biker diner: “Just try to act natural.” Enid: “Oh, I am. Ths is my natural reaction when I’m scared for my life.” Hee.
Jessica’s number in the surfing competition is 37. So close to 137!
