May 12, 2012
SVH Magna Edition, Return of the Evil Twin: The Girl With the Gemini Tattoo
Insert evil laughter here
Summary: It’s Christmas! But first we have to be reminded of the events of “last year,” when Margo terrorized the twins and supposedly died. “Supposedly” because she somehow survived a huge piece of glass to the jugular, overpowered the paramedics in the ambulance carting her off, killed them, and escaped. Oh, and it turns out she has her own identical twin, Nora. Margo was evil even as a child, and the twins’ stepmother made their father give Margo away. Now their father is dead, and the stepmother is kicking Nora out. Nora finds out about Margo and sets off to reunite with her. And yes, Nora is also crazy (girl can see smells).
In Sweet Valley, school’s out, and the twins and their friends are having a caroling party at Secca Lake. Todd and Jessica are both late, and Todd winds up crashing his car, which almost falls off a cliff. Jessica saves him and goes to the hospital with him. He’s not badly injured, but he’s definitely enough in shock to suddenly consider Jessica the greatest person on the planet, since she saved his life. Elizabeth isn’t happy about it, especially when the newspaper does an article on the story and calls Jessica Todd’s girlfriend.
Elizabeth is already on edge from dreams she’s having that are similar to the ones she had last year, about seeing a girl who looks like the twins but seems to want to kill them. Also, New Year’s Eve is approaching, which means the anniversary of Margo’s attempts on Liz’s life are, too. Todd keeps fawning all over Jessica, which just gets Elizabeth more and more frustrated. However, she doesn’t want to be fighting with Jessica on Christmas like she was last year, so the girls make up on Christmas Eve.
Nora traces Margo’s journey to Sweet Valley, learning about the twins along the way. She decides to finish what Margo started and take them out. On Christmas Eve, she visits Margo’s grave but instead finds Margo herself. The girls decide to kill both twins and take their place. It would be easier if they get Liz and Jess mad at each other first, so they can’t tell each other about any suspicions they might have, so Nora poses as Jessica posing as Elizabeth (got that?), goes on a date with Todd to a movie Liz is seeing with Enid, and makes sure Elizabeth sees them making out. It works, and Liz is furious with Jessica, who’s incredibly confused, since she was with Ken the whole time.
Elizabeth is mad at Jessica all week, but on New Year’s Eve, the twins are helping put on a fundraising carnival, so they have to be at the same place. Jessica winds up going to the House of Mirrors by herself and isn’t seen for a little while. Nora and Margo have been fighting over which of them gets to be Jessica once the twins are dead, with Margo showing herself to be alpha twin. She was Elizabeth last year, and now she wants to be Jessica. Plus, Nora has a tattoo on her arm of the Gemini sign, which Ned and Alice would be more likely to buy as something Jessica would get.
Nora is growing crazier and crazier, now hearing Margo talking to her in her head. She decides to make a move herself. In the early hours of New Year’s Day, she sneaks into the Wakefields’ house to stab Jessica, remove her body, and take her place. But Elizabeth wakes up and catches Nora going out the window, then sees Jessica dead in the bed.
Liz is traumatized, understandably (and it’s actually genuinely sad, sort of), and keeps telling people that Margo killed Jessica. Of course, everyone thinks Margo is dead, even though her body was never recovered, so they write off Elizabeth’s accusations as crazy talk. She has dreams about Jessica telling her she’s still alive and Liz has to save her, which doesn’t help her try to convince people she’s sane. Speaking of insanity, Margo has disappeared, and Nora is paranoid that she’s going to get revenge for Nora’s botched plan. She decides to kill Margo, then Elizabeth, and live out the rest of her life as Liz.
The Wakefields hold a memorial service for Jessica at the school, and Elizabeth thinks she can feel Jessica’s presence there. She figures out that Todd wasn’t with Jessica at the movies, but Margo (close, but no cigar), which just adds to her theory that Margo isn’t dead. Then Elizabeth has a dream about two Margos and starts to think Margo had her own twin. She’s pretty sure Jessica is still alive. When the police come by to ask her more about the night of Jessica’s murder, Elizabeth excuses herself, steals a cop’s gun, and heads to the school.
Nora’s also on her way there, thinking that’s where Margo’s lying in wait to finish her off. Also there? Jessica, who Margo kidnapped in the House of Mirrors. Nora tries to stab Jessica, who grabs the knife from her and fights her off. When Elizabeth arrives, she sees two girls who look exactly alike and can’t figure out which is the real Jessica. She decides which one is the fake, turns the gun on her, and gets her to spill that she’s Nora. That means she killed Margo, not Jessica, in Jess’ bed. So Nora is taken away and the Wakefields get Jessica back. She asks Liz how she decided which girl was which, and Elizabeth explains that, on top of her “twin’s intuition,” she knew Jessica didn’t have a Gemini tattoo.
Thoughts: So Margo was presumed dead and her body was never found, but someone made a headstone for her, dug a grave, and buried an empty coffin? Seems like overkill. Um, so to speak.
The twins have had some pretty terrible ideas, but renting out a carnival for a New Year’s Eve benefit is pretty awesome.
First he breaks his ankle, then he breaks his wrist. The ghostwriter must really hate Todd.
Trivia: Ned drives an LTD.
It’s pretty bad that Todd can’t tell the difference between Elizabeth and Nora when he kisses them.
If I were a cop investigating the murder of a girl who’d just had a huge fight with her sister, and that sister was trying to blame someone presumed to be dead, I’d probably suspect the sister. But when has anyone in Sweet Valley used logic?
April 15, 2012
Dawson’s Creek 5.4, The Long Goodbye: So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Just start crying now. It's okay
Summary: A couple goes to Leery’s Fresh Fish for dinner, but it’s closed due to a death in the family. At home, Dawson washes dishes and takes care of Lily. Later, he picks out a coffin for his father. Joey visits Pacey on his boat to tell him that Mitch is dead. Pacey is stunned and asks how Dawson is. She invites him to come to Capeside with her so they can attend the funeral and be there for Dawson.
At the B&B, Jen and Jack help Grams and Bessie prepare food, and Jen admits to Jack that she’s nervous about seeing Dawson and trying to figure out what to say to him. Jack (who reminds us for the first time in three years that he lost a brother) tells her that Dawson is alone in his grief. Jen will have to figure out her own way to be there for him. Dawson tends to his mother and sister, then reimagines a conversation he and Mitch had on his 12th birthday. It’s when he got his first video camera. “Let the things you love be your escape,” Mitch says.
Joey arrives and Dawson asks her to watch Lily while he goes to the funeral home. She can tell something is off with him. Sometime later, the funeral is held, followed by a reception at the Leerys’. Grams offers to take care of Lily, but Dawson wants to keep her as a buffer for people’s condolences. Gail has sequestered herself upstairs. Dawson waits for Grams to tell him that God “works in mysterious ways,” but Grams admits that she and God aren’t talking right now.
Outside, Joey looks up at Dawson’s window and remembers the first time Mitch set up the ladder for her. In her memory, Mitch tells her that Dawson will eventually figure out how he feels about her. Jen admits to Dawson that she doesn’t know what to say to him; relationship advice is more her speed. Instead, she’s going to give him a big hug, tell him she loves him, and hope it all helps.
Joey goes up to Gail’s room, and Gail tells her she’s worried about Dawson. Joey says that Mitch isn’t really gone since Dawson is so much like him. Even when she was young, she knew Mitch and Gail had something special. Dawson thanks Pacey for coming and they make small talk about their lives. The two reminisce about Mitch catching them smoking when they were in middle school.
A friend of Gail’s asks Dawson how he’s dealing with his grief, pushing him to take the time to channel his feelings. Dawson politely tries to end the conversation as he gets more and more anxious. Suddenly the answering machine clicks on, and it’s Mitch’s voice on the outgoing message. Dawson rips the machine out of the wall, insists he’s fine, and leaves the house.
Joey finds Dawson on a pier and tells him about coming across something of her mother’s a few months after her death, and how much it saddened her. She wants him to let himself be a wreck. Dawson thinks he needs to keep things together so he can take care of Gail. Joey says he can do that and she’ll take care of him.
Dawson says he felt bad for Joey when her mother died, but he never understood what she was going through until now. Everything feels surreal. Dawson also thinks Mitch’s death was his fault. He went to the store to replace the milk Gail used to make Dawson breakfast that morning. Joey tries to convince him that he’s wrong. Dawson remembers that the last thing Mitch said to him was that he was disappointed in him for making a big mistake.
Joey reminds him that Mitch also said he loved him. Dawson knows Mitch loved him, but he hates that his father was disappointed in him the day he died. Dawson agrees that he was acting like a brat. If he’d listened to Mitch, Mitch would have been taking him to the airport instead of going to the store, and he would still be alive.
Grams finds Gail outside the house and tells her she prayed that she would die before her husband; she didn’t think she could live without him. It’s difficult, but she gets by. Until then, there’s a reason for antidepressants. The two women talk about the insanity of loving someone but risking the possibility of being destroyed after losing that person. Grams offers to stick around for a while, but Gail thinks she and Dawson will have to get through their grief on their own.
After the reception, Joey also offers to stay in Capeside, but Dawson wants her to go back to school. Later, Joey and Pacey hang out at the B&B, talking about how he wants to die in a funny way. (Possibility: being run over by a car full of clowns.) Joey tells him how Dawson blames himself for Mitch’s death. Pacey doesn’t get why Dawson wants to drop out of film school, though he quickly figures out the reason. He thinks the two of them should get their shot.
Gail remembers Mitch putting together Dawson’s crib and talking about what he hopes their son will be like. She tells Dawson that she hates that Lily will never know her father. Dawson promises to tell her all about him. Gail breaks down, then assures Dawson that he’ll be able to go back to his life soon. He tells her he doesn’t plan to go anywhere for a while. Gail replies that he doesn’t have to keep himself together; he’s allowed to fall apart. Dawson admits that he doesn’t feel anything.
The next day, Pacey comes back to the Leerys’, remembering getting a driving lesson from Mitch. (He told Mitch his father couldn’t teach him because he had to work.) Pacey wishes his father were around more, and Mitch says he can come to him if he wants to practice some more. Pacey invites Dawson to go for a drive, and they go to the spot where Mitch was killed. Pacey walks Dawson through the accident, which was caused by the other driver, who fell asleep.
Pacey continues that Dawson can grieve, but he shouldn’t blame himself because the accident wasn’t his fault. He should be glad that he got his father for 18 years, which is more than some people get. Mitch made him into a wonderful person who people care about and respect. Pacey’s doing this because he and Dawson used to be best friends. That means Pacey will always be there for him. Dawson almost cries but hides it.
At Worthington, Joey tells Audrey a little about Mitch. She wishes Dawson had let her help, since she understands what he’s going through. She thinks Dawson just wanted her to go away. She cries and Audrey tries to comfort her. Back in Capeside, Dawson and Gail have a silent dinner together, though neither of them eats much. She sees that they’re out of milk and starts to ask Dawson to go get some, then breaks down.
Dawson goes to the market, where the owner gives his condolences. He chatted with Mitch right before his death, and tells Dawson that his father was clearly proud of him. He said Dawson was brave and had a romantic streak, and Mitch was proud to know him. Dawson tries not to react, but once he’s in his car, he starts to sob.
In Boston, Audrey makes Joey leave the dorm, Jen and Jack try to get on with their lives, and Grams looks at old photos. In Capeside, Gail plays with Lily. Joey, Jen, Jack, Pacey, and Audrey have dinner at Pacey’s restaurant, and Joey notes the empty chair at the table. Dawson’s still in the market parking lot, crying, but he pulls himself together and heads home.
There’s one last memory: Mitch taking a family photo before everyone separates for the evening. He’s left alone for a minute, and he takes in everything around him, smiles with satisfaction, and goes inside to be with his family.
Thoughts: I know James Van Der Beek gets a lot of flak for this show and this role, but he’s excellent in this episode. So is Mary-Margaret Humes (Gail), but JVDB is even more impressive since he can only let the feelings show on his face.
If someone came up to me at a funeral, let alone one for a parent, and asked how I was handling my grief, I’d be a lot less polite than Dawson was.
It would have been nice if they’d brought Gretchen back for this episode. I mean nice for Dawson. I couldn’t care less about her.
April 9, 2012
Dawson’s Creek 5.3, Capeside Revisited: Reunited and It Feels So KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!
R.I.P., Mitch. I'm sorry you didn't get to finish your ice cream
Summary: Joey, Jen, and Audrey have dinner at the restaurant where Pacey now works; they’re even waited on by Karen. Charlie calls Jen, and the other two girls discuss the fact that she’s been very tight-lipped about him. But apparently Jen doesn’t know much about him either. Joey heads to the restroom, passing the kitchen on her way and spotting Pacey inside. Jen admits that she knew he was in Boston but was sworn to secrecy. Joey wants to see him but is sure he doesn’t want to see her.
Dawson crashes at Grams’ house, planning to take the bus to Capeside the next day to tell his parents he’s not going back to California. He’s not sure how to break the news to them. Grams says just to tell the truth. Jack hangs out at Sigma Epsilon, hitting it off with the frat brothers. One of them invites him to play golf on Sunday. However, Jack doesn’t want to pledge the frat. Or at least not until he sees how happy a guy is after accepting a bid.
Karen complains to Pacey about an annoying customer and he complains back about not being allowed to cook. She rags on him for not wearing a chef’s hat. Jen goes by Charlie’s, trying to claim that she’s not going to respond to booty calls all the time. She tries to find out more information on him, noting that they’ve “been whatever” for a week but are still basically strangers. Charlie seems to want to keep it that way. All he’ll say is that he’s from Illinois.
The next day, Dawson returns to Capeside for the first time in months. Oh, and he didn’t tell his parents he was coming. He wastes no time telling them that he’s spent the past week in Boston and won’t be going back to USC. Gail thinks he just needs more time to make friends in California. Dawson says he’s at “a profound crossroads,” and he’ll regret not going to Boston. He already has arrangements to live at Grams’ and enroll in school in Boston. Mitch firmly objects.
In their room, Audrey bugs Joey about the guy she saw at the restaurant the night before. Joey doesn’t want to talk about him, but she admits that she wants to see him. Audrey’s sure Pacey wants to see her, too – she’s “the kind of girl that guys don’t get over.” Joey doesn’t want to make Pacey uncomfortable. Audrey reminds her that no one’s going to grade her on whatever happens. Relationships are messy, so Joey needs to get used to messes.
Jack wakes up on the couch at the Sigma House, having been kept there so he wouldn’t drive drunk. The guys give him an invitation to join the frat, saying they’ll be his family. One says he needs to ask himself if he’s in or out. This prompts Jack to tell them he’s gay. They already figured it out and still think he’s right for Sigma. Then they tell him straight out (heh) that they want him in the frat because the dean wants them to diversify.
Jen’s still with Charlie and still bugging him about not knowing each other well. He assures her that the fact that they mostly just have sex isn’t a big deal. She challenges them to go 12 hours without having sex. Charlie predicts that she’ll crack first. At the restaurant, Pacey calls Karen on her grumpiness, asking her to bond with him over complaining about Danny. She tells him he needs to wear a chef’s hat so he looks good to the customers. Also, she’s mad that he was hired because he’s a guy.
At the Leerys’, Mitch confronts Dawson about making life decisions that revolve around Joey. He’s said for years that he wanted to go to USC, and he worked hard and accomplished his goal. Now he suddenly wants to throw everything away. He can stand at the crossroads, but he needs to choose his own path, not follow Joey down hers. Mitch reminds Dawson that in the real world, as opposed to high school, decisions have consequences.
Dawson knows he has a big choice to make and doesn’t want a lecture, or to live the life Mitch has chosen for him. Mitch gives him tickets to fly back to L.A. and tells him to seize this opportunity because soon it’ll be gone. Later, Gail and Mitch discuss their son and how they miss having him around. Mitch knows their relationship with him is rare. He’s never going to do something that changes the world, but Dawson might.
Jen and Charlie hang out, trying to find ways to distract themselves. They want to see a movie, but Charlie doesn’t like subtitles and Jen does, which is apparently a point of contention for her. Jack tells Grams that he got a big to join Sigma, but Tobey thinks he should turn it down since he’d be a “gay Uncle Tom.” Jack, however, thinks he would fit in there. Grams thinks the issue is bigger for him than it is for the brothers. She’s sure they want him for more than just a quota.
In Capeside, Gail asks Dawson if Joey asked him to stay in Boston. She’s not sure of the status of their relationship; he tells her they’re not together. He’s spent the last few years trying to accomplish goals, but now that he’s fulfilled them all, he’s not sure what to do. Gail reminds him that people change. Dawson needs to make sure staying in Boston will allow him and Joey to keep growing. Is she the person he’s willing to take such a big leap of faith for?
Charlie and Jen play gin and discuss their likes so Jen can find something they have in common. He thinks having sex is enough. He talks her into agreeing, at least for now, and they start to have sex again. He’s out of condoms, so Jen orders him to go find one. Meanwhile, Joey goes to the marina and reunites with Pacey. They make small talk, and then Joey invites Pacey to come to a Sunday dinner at Grams’ sometime. She wouldn’t want him to miss out because of her. She also thinks it might be possible to eventually forget all bad memories and only remember the good ones.
Dawson says goodbye to Gail and Lily, then gives Mitch back the plane tickets. He hopes Mitch doesn’t think he’s making a mistake; he’s trying to be the kind of person Mitch raised him to be. Mitch is still on the mistake side. He’s disappointed but makes sure Dawson knows he will always love him and be there for him.
In Boston, Jen and Charlie break into their college’s health center to steal condoms. Supposedly they’re a gift from a previous class. Jen realizes that Charlie can’t read the sign over the condoms and teases him for being nearsighted. That would explain why he doesn’t want to see a movie with subtitles. Jen’s pleased that she’s finally learned something about him.
Jack tells the Sigma brothers that he doesn’t want to join them just to fill a quota. One of the guys tells him they’re all filling quotas there. Jack may be gay, but he’s the gay guy they want to join them. Jack points out that Tobey will come visit, which could make people uncomfortable. The brother assures him that they’ll welcome Tobey as much as they’ll welcome Jack. Jack decides he’ll join them.
Danny checks on Pacey after he’s spent hours peeling and slicing potatoes for chips. He approves, then dumps them all out – he doesn’t serve chips. He just wants Pacey to learn so he can trust him to work with really expensive white truffles. Danny says Karen has more motivation and discipline than Pacey, and she wanted Pacey’s job. Danny would rather teach him than hire her.
Joey returns from her marina visit to find Dawson waiting for her. He’s still uncertain about the decisions he’s made. She tells him there’s no right or wrong, just consequences. (She heard this from a sociology professor.) They head out to get coffee, talking about Capeside. Joey comments that you can never go home again.
Back in Capeside, Mitch gets ice cream and sings along to “Drift Away” as he drives home. He drops the ice cream, and when he leans over to pick it up, he swerves into oncoming traffic. And that’s how Mitch died one of the most ridiculous deaths on TV.
Thoughts: When I first heard about this episode (I’d stopped watching when it first aired), all I could think was, “…What?” Killing Mitch off was just so random. And also depressing, since Dawson was the only character on the show who actually had a good relationship with his parents. Also, dying reaching for ice cream? Pathetic.
Just sleep together already, Pacey and Karen.
Uh, whose boat is Pacey living on? Does that person know he’s living there?
How are Pacey and Joey totally okay now? They had this horrible break-up, didn’t talk forever, and now they’re suddenly fine. I wish break-ups were actually like that in real life.
If Danny’s restaurant is nice enough to serve truffles, how could the girls afford dinner there?
April 1, 2012
SVH Super Thriller, A Killer On Board: No Rest for the Wicked
Elizabeth, this is no time to feel up your sister!
Summary: Now that John Marin is back behind bars, Ned decides everyone needs a vacation, so he sets up a vacation to Catalina. (Steven doesn’t get to go, but who cares?) They’re just starting to relax when Marin escapes from prison, thanks to the utter stupidity of a prison guard who only took three days to fall in luv with him. He kills her partner, steals the guard’s car (leaving her in the trunk in the desert), and carjacks another family to drive back to Sweet Valley. There, Marin gets into Ned’s office, finds out the Wakefields are on Catalina, and follows them out there. Then he pays off a bunch of people to stalk the twins on a horseback-riding trip.
Jessica’s horse almost falls off a cliff, and just as Elizabeth is about to help her get to safety, Marin shows up. Jessica channels Jessamyn by jumping onto Liz’s horse, which Liz proceeds to force to jump off a cliff. Yes, that happened. Ned figures out that Marin is on Catalina and takes a horse out to find the girls, not that they need rescuing. Then the Wakefields rent a houseboat to escape the island, but Marin gets a motoboat and keeps following them.
Ned is apparently unable to ignore a person in need, and when he sees that the motorboat appears to be in trouble, he anchors the houseboat and heads over in a dinghy to help out (obviously not knowing Marin’s there). Marin busts the motorboat’s radio and makes it fill with water, then escapes to the dinghy. Ned is left behind on a broken boat with no method of communication. Oh, and of course it’s storming. Marin takes the dinghy to the houseboat, knocks out Alice, puts Elizabeth in a storage space, and then…just kind of hangs out with Jessica for a while. (There’s a part here where it’s not really clear what’s going to happen.)
After Alice regains consciousness and Marin randomly lets Liz out of the storage space, he ties them all up. Then he pours gasoline everywhere and starts some fires. Ned makes it back to the houseboat to save his wife and daughters, but instead of leaving with them, like a smart man, he goes back to grab Marin. It’s too late, but all the Wakefields survive to…be almost killed another day, I guess.
Thoughts: Jessica: “There just aren’t that many murderers out there, and we already found one this summer. So, statistically, there’s no danger anymore.” Except “this” summer has been going on for five years, and you’ve had run-ins with a dozen murderers in that time period. What are the statistics on that?
Why do women keep falling in love with Marin so quickly? He’s not that hot. Is he really that charming? The characters seem to think so. It’s like he’s a cult leader or something.
Though I guess I could ask the same about the twins – why do guys fall in love with them so quickly? There’s even one in this book. Brad, the guy leading the twins’ horseback-riding group, flirts with her, even though she’s clearly 16 and he’s married.
“At night the café at the pool turns into a disco. We get pretty funky bands here.” Brad, I’m just going to stop you right there before you make a complete fool of yourself.
Also, why does the ghostwriter think ’90s teens are so into dancing?
Jessica: “Maybe it’s an eclipse.” Elizabeth: “Maybe your brain is eclipsed.” Come on, Liz, you’re a writer. You can do better than that.
Apparently everyone on Catalina can be bribed with $100.
The houseboat part of this book was actually foreshadowed in the previous book – Elizabeth watched Cape Fear.
Alice tells Ned to free Elizabeth first, so there’s another reason Jessica will be in therapy for the rest of her life.
Ned claims that Marin died of smoke inhalation, but I found Ned a little scary in this book and the last one, so I’m not sure he didn’t help things along. But since he does sare me, I’m just going to pretend I believe him.
March 24, 2012
SVH Super Thriller, A Stranger in the House: Stranger Danger
This might be my favorite SVH cover. Doesn't he look like a soap villain?
Summary: Ten years ago, when Ned was an ADA, he put a man named John Marin in prison for kidnapping and killing two women. As he was taken away, Marin vowed revenge on the twins. Now Marin’s out, and he’s coming to collect.
(That summary sounds a lot more interesting than what actually happens.)
The twins are working as waitresses at a marina café for the summer. There’s a contest for tips, but that’s not important. Also, their boss keeps calling them the wrong names, but that also isn’t important. What’s important is that Ken is away and Elizabeth is once again bored with Todd, and both girls fall in love with new guys. Jessica’s guy is Scott, who’s interning for a TV mini-series to be set in a California high school. He starts hanging out with Jessica under the auspices of getting her input on the show. Elizabeth’s guy is Ben, a writer with a boat.
Unbeknownst (I have to use big words in this recap to make up for the brain cells I lost reading this book) to the twins, Ned keeps finding notes and various other clues indicating that Marin has been in the house. For example, Jessica’s lavaliere disappears, and Marin sends it to Ned to let him know how close he can get to the girls. Ned gets more and more freaked out, even though he has a private investigator watching the girls at work. He asks the twins if they’ve met any new people, but neither wants the other to know about her new guy, so they both say no.
There are also some red herrings other strange people hanging around the marina, like a creepy guy who keeps staring at the twins, and a sailor who always orders a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast. Since Ned hasn’t told the girls what’s going on, they have no reason to think that anyone’s a threat. Then one night Jessica sees someone with a knife in the storage room, and when the twins ID him as the creepy marina guy, they’re told it’s Marin. Only he’s been in lockup since the previous night. Oh, and he’s not really Marin, but a guy Marin hired to watch the twins, then planted the lavaliere on to frame him.
Ned goes to see the PI to find out about the mixup and instead finds him dead. Jessica heads home while Elizabeth goes out with Ben. The police go to the Wakefields’, and Ned finally tells Jessica about Marin. When she sees his mugshot, she realizes he’s Scott. But at least Elizabeth’s safe, since that means Ben is the real deal. Except he’s not, as another waitress IDs him as the same guy Jessica was seeing. Yes, both twins were dating a murderer who wanted to kill them. Neat!
The ending is the only good part of the book. The Coast Guard takes Jess, Ned, and some cops out to the boat Elizabeth and Ben are on. Elizabeth realizes her new man is no good and starts to jump overboard. She gets knocked out, but Jessica saves her. Marin jumps in a dinghy, which the police find shredded; they believe he was killed by sharks. The Wakefields go home…and are greeted by Marin, who escaped and was hiding in the basement. He knocks out Ned, but Ned eventually overpowers him and Marin goes back to prison. Supposedly…
Thoughts: It kind of makes sense that both twins would fall in love with a killer. We already knew Jessica was a horrible judge of character, and Elizabeth is totally the kind of person who would write letters to a serial killer.
Elizabeth: “Somehow I’m going to find a way to have a summer full of adventure, risk, and life experiences!” Didn’t you have that last summer, when you went to London and almost got murdered? Wasn’t that enough for you? Maybe you should stop dating killers.
Someone needs to write a book where Marin and Margo team up. It would be the best SVH book ever.
“He’s a writer, for heaven’s sake. What could be duller than that?” I’d say something mean about Jessica for that, but I’m too busy deconstructing Proust so I can experience his work through a post-modern lens.
I liked the horror movie-ish twist toward the end, with Marin coming back, but they should have ended the book with him escaping, not getting arrested. They needed a cliffhanger to lead into the next book.
March 10, 2012
SVH #116, Nightmare in Death Valley: Fool’s Gold
Eh, let her fall. There's another one
Summary: When we left our little campers, they were in a cave with skeletons, and it had just started raining. They set off to finish their trek, but Heather’s ankle injury is so bad that she can’t walk, and the guys can’t really carry her. Finally Jessica agrees to stay behind with Heather (it was going to be her or Ken, and Jessica doesn’t want the two of them alone together) while the other four finish the hike and send help back to the girls.
Elizabeth and the guys can’t choose between a high path and a low path, so Elizabeth and Ken take the high one (which she thinks is safer because the recent rain could turn into a flash flood) while Todd and Bruce take the low one. Back at the campsite, Jessica and Heather are just starting to get along better when the escaped convicts Heather spotted earlier find them and take them hostage. Jessica nicknames the mean ones Moe and Larry, and the nice, cute one Jack. (Don’t ask.) They want the kids’ gold, but they also wouldn’t mind killing a few teenagers, so they set off a flare to get the other four kids to come back.
There’s this really stupid part where Elizabeth almost falls off a cliff, and Bruce saves her but a bald eagle takes his gold. Yeah, I said it was stupid. Then Todd and Ken catch up to them and they all see the flare. Elizabeth, Bruce, and Todd head back to the campsite and are taken hostage, but Ken hangs back and the convicts don’t know he’s lurking around. The cons take the gold and leave, and the kids get untied and start to leave, but then stop to save Jack from a flood. He tells them he was in prison for armed robbery but is totally reformed, which I guess excuses him for freaking breaking out of prison.
Moe and Larry resurface, and Moe holds Elizabeth at knifepoint in a cave since he’s mad that his gold is gone. (Maybe an eagle took it?) Jessica does the old sick-prisoner routine and distracts him long enough so Jack can save Elizabeth. But Moe’s so mad that he shoots Jack, killing him. Then everyone hears an airplane, which the kids think was sent to get them. Moe goes outside to check it out, ordering Larry to kill the teens or be killed himself. Jessica saves the day again, convincing Larry not to kill them. Instead, he shoots six bullets into the roof of the cave and runs off to join Moe. Unfortunately, the bullets cause a cave-in.
There are, like, 20 things that happen, including the kids almost drowning, and Heather continuing to be helpless (and useless), but the teens eventually realize that the walls of the cave aren’t rock, just shale. They punch through and get outside, only to find themselves right near the spot where they were supposed to finish their trek. And then they find out the gold they risked their lives to get was pyrite, AKA fool’s gold. Wah wah waaaaaaaah.
Thoughts: I have the British version of this book, and the cover calls it “the final title in the terrifying Desert Adventure mini-series.” I’m not sure you can call two books a “mini-series.” Other words in that sentence that aren’t used correctly: “terrifying,” “adventure,” “the.”
If this were Lost, Elizabeth would be Jack, Bruce would be Sawyer, Todd would be Kate, Heather would be Shannon, and Jessica and Ken would be Nikki and Paolo.
When she’s about to fall off the cliff, Elizabeth thinks of her parents, Jessica, Todd, Enid, and Mr. Collins. So she thinks about her English teacher and not her brother. I don’t even know how to respond to that.
It’s too bad Jessica doesn’t stick with her Three Stooges nicknames and call Jack “Curly.” Then I could have made really bad “legend of Curly’s gold” jokes.
February 16, 2012
SVH Super Thriller, Murder in Paradise: A Face Only a Mother Could Love
Was this cover supposed to attract male readers or something?
Summary: Alice wins a week at the Paradise Spa for seven people, so she takes the twins, Enid, Lila, and Lila’s mother Grace. Enid’s mom has to stay behind for work, so the mother-daughter trip is really mother-daughter-motherless Enid. To make things worse for Enid, she’s feeling particularly unconfident next to all the pretty people who work at the spa. And to make things doubly worse, the guy Elizabeth tries to set her up with prefers Jessica.
Oh, yeah, of course there are guys. Elizabeth and Jessica both find a spa employee named Chris hot; Jessica thinks he’s interested in her, but he really likes Liz. Jessica moves on to Chris’ friend Alex, and though the two guys hang out with all four girls, Enid still feels left out. Elizabeth has also connected with an employee named Katya, who’s kind of touchy on the subject of her mother.
Enid starts doing beauty treatments with Tatiana, the woman who runs the spa. Tatiana has a scar on her face an unhealthy obsession with talking about how beautiful the Wakefields are. Also, she totally brainwashes Enid and makes her want plastic surgery. Katya leads some spa guests on a hike and they end up at a white building that the employees are all mysterious about. When Tatiana learns of the trek, she yells at Katya. The next day, Katya’s dead.
Tatiana claims that Katya had a heart condition and being in the steam room killed her. She has no family, so they can’t get in touch with them, even though Alice had encouraged her to contact her mother and Katya hadn’t said anything about her mother not being around. Elizabeth starts snooping – er, investigating – and finds an ad in Katya’s possessions that shows she found out about her spa job through a publication for runaways. It turns out all the teens who work at the spa are runaways, including Chris and Alex. They also don’t get paid for their work.
During a trip to a waterfall, Alice disappears. The twins freak and try to call Ned, but the phones aren’t working. Liz uses her laptop and emails Ned while Jessica snoops in Tatiana’s office and finds a yearbook from Alice’s senior year at SVU – except Alice’s picture has been cut out of it. (Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.) As Elizabeth figures out that Enid’s being conditioned for plastic surgery, Jess finds out that all of the spa employees have had their appearances enhanced since they started working there.
Elizabeth goes out looking for Alice, and even though it’s dark and dangerous, Grace, the only adult left, is all, “Don’t get killed. See ya!” Thanks for playing, Grace. Jessica then tells Lila and Grace about all the plastic surgery and stuff. She gets an email Ned sent back to Liz saying that he remembers Tatiana as an SVU classmate who had a girl crush on Alice. Jessica manages to put together that Tatiana, a surgeon, wants to make herself look like Alice. Meanwhile, Elizabeth returns to the place of Alice’s disappearance, where Chris, clearly brainwashed, pulls her into a cave, then takes her to Tatiana.
The whole story eventually comes out: Tatiana trained her assistant to perform plastic surgery so she can make Tatiana look like Alice. Then they’ll kill Alice because twins are bad, or something. Jessica, Lila, and Enid arrive to save the day, and Enid’s brainwashing proves to be as weak as Tatiana’s villainy, so she overtakes her brainwasher. She also in effect brings down the spa, leading all the employees to have a “ding dong, the witch is dead” moment. She probably still feels ugly, though.
Thoughts: Elizabeth, you don’t have “the instinct of a journalist.” You’re just nosy.
I don’t think I could handle being friends with someone as insecure as Enid for more than five minutes. Shut up, Enid.
Elizabeth just worked things out with Todd after the Ken fiasco, and she’s hooking up with another guy. Todd, believe it or not, you actually deserve better.
Funny how Lila thinks Jessica is crazy for falling for a groundskeeper – Lila strikes me as exactly the kind of person who would sleep with her hot gardener.
A book with “murder” in the title shouldn’t take 128 pages to get to that murder.
“After dialing Olivia Davidson’s E-mail address….” Oh, 1995, you’re so cute.
GHOSTWRITER. STOP USING THE WORD “MAILLOT.” NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS.
February 4, 2012
Dawson’s Creek 4.14, A Winter’s Tale: Lights, Camera, Action (If You Know What I Mean)
Yep, it's that episode
Summary: Joey and Pacey are heading off on the senior class ski trip, which Gretchen assures them will be really exciting. She recommends that Joey give Dawson a call, considering “everything that’s going on.” Jen is hesitant to go on the trip since Grams is at the hospital with Mr. Brooks, but Jack wants her to have fun. Apparently a lot of people are planning to have sex on the trip, which just makes things that much more awkward for Joey and Pacey.
Drue is bringing Anna along on the trip, under the name of another student. Jen can’t figure out why Jack doesn’t like Tobey, and Jack only says that Tobey’s too gay for him. Drue taunts Pacey about getting laid on the trip. Dawson stops by the hospital, where Mr. Brooks is comatose, on life support, and not expected to recover. Grams knows that whatever happens is in God’s hands, not the doctors’.
The ski trippers arrive at their destination and are informed that a) there will be no mixed-gender sleeping arrangements and b) mini-bar keys have been confiscated. After the chaperone leaves, Drue takes over the room assigning and gives Pacey and Joey a room together. Jen tells Jack they’re going to have fun, then promptly slips and falls down.
One of Mr. Brooks’ doctors tells Dawson that since he signed a health-care proxy, his responsibilities have changed. Gail and Mitch come to the hospital to discuss the fact that Dawson is now allowed to make decisions about Mr. Brooks’ care. Dawson has no idea what to do, however. Pacey tells Joey that the trip will be like their summer, with just the two of them getting spend time together. She wants to avoid the tension they’ve been feeling, and he assures her he’s relaxed.
Jen’s hurt her ankle, and though Jack wants to help her out, he won’t help her take a bath. Dawson works on his movie, taking a break when Gretchen stops by with some food. She commiserates with him about the tough decisions that come with turning into an adult. Dawson’s also never lost anyone close to him, so he doesn’t know how to handle this. Gretchen tells him that he has incredible judgment, which is probably why Mr. Brooks left the decisions with him.
Joey and Pacey wind up at dinner with a bunch of their classmates, including Drue and Anna. The conversation turns to sex, and Joey and Drue argue about whether or not all guys think about sex all the time. Anna asks for a show of wallets to see if all the guys carry condoms around with them. Pacey won’t participate, but after dinner, Joey confronts him and he reveals that he has a condom. (Hey, at least he wants to be safe, right?)
Dawson goes back to the hospital, where Grams talks to him about praying. He says he sometimes thinks of praying as wishing without saying the wish out loud. She encourages him to share his wishes, and he says he either wants Mr. Brooks to recover or die without suffering. Dawson wants a sign to confirm his instincts, because right now they’re telling him to keep waiting. Grams tells him they’ll follow his instincts together.
Joey and Jack watch their classmates skate and she talks about her convictions to wait until the right moment to have sex. Jack thinks she needs to stop worrying about the right choice or the wrong choice, since there might be a bunch of choices. “There’s nothing to figure out here. Only what you feel,” he says. They don’t have the courage to make the big decisions, so sometimes you just have to leap.
Apparently Mr. Brooks knew Andy Griffith, because he’s now at the hospital. He’s the former friend who took Mr. Brooks’ girlfriend from him. Andy says that Mr. Brooks wrote him last month, asking for forgiveness, but Andy thinks Mr. Brooks only ever hurt himself. Andy wanted to call Mr. Brooks after his wife died, thinking Mr. Brooks would be the only one to understand, but Andy knew it would cause him pain. Mr. Brooks always had part of her soul, and he’ll now get to be with her first.
Dawson asks Andy for help figuring out what to do. Andy tells him he just needs a little faith. Dawson has no idea where to get that, and Andy quotes <i>Miracle on 34th Street</i>, saying it’s about believing in something when common sense not to. He mentions that Mr. Brooks always turned to movies for answers to difficult questions, which, of course, Dawson understands.
Jen is treating her pain with the forbidden mini-bar, so by the time Jack comes back to their room, she’s a little drunk. He tells her he’s tired of being so safe; he wants to do something stupid and reckless tonight. Jen tells him to start with booze. Jack asks if there’s something she wants to do, and she says she just wants to sit there with him.
Anna invites Pacey to join her and the others in the hot tubs, and Joey’s surprised that he has no comment about her appearing in her bikini. Joey picks a fight over Pacey wanting someone like Anna instead of someone like his current girlfriend. Pacey assures Joey that he wants her, which she claims she knows; she just doesn’t get why. He points out that if he were only with her for sex, he wouldn’t have dated her for nine months without getting past…whatever base they’re on.
Pacey continues that he knows Joey’s scared, and he’s said they can be scared together, but she won’t tell him what she’s actually scared of. He thinks it has to do with Dawson. He knows that when they do eventually have sex, it’ll be great, but he worries that Joey will also regret not having her first time with Dawson. Joey gets upset and asks why Pacey stayed for so long if he believes that. He says he must be a glutton for punishment.
Now sloshed, Jen and Jack talk about bravery, and he admits that he’s scared he’s going to end up alone. He’ll always be someone’s brother or friend or confidante, but never “someone’s everything.” He’s also scared that he’ll never find a guy he loves as much as he loves Jen. Then the booze takes over and they kiss.
Joey calls Dawson, who’s made a decision about Mr. Brooks. He notes that letting go has made him feel free. He feels like Mr. Brooks was waiting for Andy to come say goodbye. Then Dawson says goodbye and they hang up. Pacey winds up at the hot tubs, where Anna offers to help him the way he recently help her. Jen and Jack have progressed to making out and starting to undress, but she quickly realizes what a horrible idea this is and stops them.
Mr. Brooks is taken off life support and dies shortly after, with Grams, Gretchen, and the Leerys all present. Everyone leaves the room except Dawson, who says “see you” to Mr. Brooks instead of goodbye. The ski trip chaperone catches Jen disposing of the empty mini-bar bottles, but she takes off before he can get too suspicious.
Anna tries to seduce Pacey, telling him that sex isn’t that big of a deal, since they’re adults. He tells her they’re not even close to being adults. He already has someone he wants to be with for more than one night, and he would never risk losing her. Sex isn’t about sex, it’s about intimacy and sharing something, no matter how long you have to wait for it.
Joey has heard part of the conversation and has been reminded why she loves Pacey. She tells him he can still be upset; he doesn’t always have to be perfect and she doesn’t have to be so scared. He suggests that they go to their cabin and read a story. In Capeside, Grams and Gretchen go to the Leerys’, where Dawson debuts his film about Mr. Brooks.
Pacey finds Joey getting ready for bed, and she asks if he still has his wallet. He says he thought they were done talking about sex. She confirms that they are. She lists all the wonderful things he does for her as she starts taking off his clothes. Pacey starts to ask if she’s ready, and Joey says that he spent three months on a boat with her knowing she wasn’t, so now he doesn’t have to ask if she is.
Like Pacey did after their first kiss, Joey’s going to count to ten, and if he wants her to stop, he’ll need to tell her. Except instead of counting, they just make out and take their clothes off. And hopefully that condom makes it out of the wallet.
Thoughts: My senior class never did a ski trip, but our senior trip was to a ski lodge. (It was June.) And there was a lot of misbehaving. Someone snuck in beer, and four people got arrested – and since they were 18, they wound up with records. I would criticize Capeside for seemingly only sending one chaperone on the trip, but our trip had a half-dozen chaperones and people still got arrested, so I guess it doesn’t matter.
Mr. Brooks’ doctor is played by Tony Hale, AKA Buster on Arrested Development. Fortunately for Mr. Brooks, he has both hands.
Can a 17-year-old be held to a health-care proxy he signed without his parents’ permission?
There’s a moose on the lampshade in Pacey and Joey’s room, and it’s just about the unsexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
January 9, 2012
BSC #93, Mary Anne and the Memory Garden: Grab Some Kleenex
Yeah, I can't snark on this
Summary: Mary Anne is doing a group project on Shakespeare, and she and the other group members are really excited. They also get along really well, so they have fun working together. Mary Anne’s friends with one of the other girls, Amelia, and is happy to get to know her better. But the day after the group gets together to work, everyone learns that Amelia’s family was in a car accident and she didn’t survive.
SMS is hit hard by the tragedy, with Kristy taking it especially badly. Mary Anne’s surprised and a little scared that the tough girl is so broken; Kristy didn’t even know Amelia that well. She’s mostly mad that the driver who killed Amelia was drunk and this wasn’t his first driving offense. Kristy gets the idea to start a chapter of Students Against Drunk Driving at SMS, and suddenly she bounces back, now that she has a way to give Amelia’s death some meaning.
Mary Anne, on the other hand, sinks into depression and anxiety. It’s especially bad the day of Amelia’s funeral, when she worries about how to act. She goes to see a grief counselor who’s been brought to the school and learns that her feelings are normal and she should let herself grieve. The students at SMS keep coming up with ways to honor Amelia’s memory, but Mary Anne wants to do more. After learning of the garden Dawn is helping to plant in a vacant lot in California, Mary Anne comes up with the idea to create a memory garden for Amelia. She finally feels like she’s making sure no one will ever forget her.
Thoughts: This book always hit home for me. When I was in the fifth grade, two girls I knew (one a year older than me, the other a couple years younger) were killed in a car accident, along with their father. I’d spent an evening with them just a few weeks earlier and had felt like I was getting to be friends with them. The next year, another girl I’d spent some time with recently was killed in a bus crash. Even though I didn’t know any of the girls all that well, they were semi-friends. So I could always relate to how Mary Anne felt in this book.
Specifically, I could relate to Mary Anne in the scene where the SMS students hear that a 13-year-old girl has died but they don’t know who it is. Mary Anne realizes that she hasn’t seen Kristy in school that day and she starts worrying that she’s the one who died. My senior year of high school, one of my classmates died suddenly; I hadn’t known him well, but he was a really nice guy and everyone was shocked and saddened by his death. A good friend of mine was out sick that day, and when the seniors were called to the auditorium to hear the news and the principal announced that one of our classmates had died, I was sure it was her. The horror of those few moments before hearing the real news made me feel sick.
I’ve mentioned before that I feel like the series handles death well for the age group it’s targeted towards. The same applies here. And the events of the day when everyone finds out about Amelia’s death are realistic – and eerily similar to what happened when my high school classmate died. Classes were canceled, students were allowed to go home if they felt they needed to, grief counselors were brought in, and we spent most of the day talking and comforting each other.
Mary Anne and her group’s project actually sounds pretty cool. They’re supposed to do something about the world Shakespeare lived in, so they decide to publish a newspaper with theater reviews, world news, and even a classified section. They call their project William Tells All.
Speaking of school projects, Claudia gets to make a Rube Goldberg decive for a class. I want to go to SMS.
November 26, 2011
SVH #106, Beware the Wolfman: Boys Becoming Men, Men Becoming Wolves
Someone got a manicure!
Summary: So Robert is now a fugitive, and Jessica’s mad at Elizabeth for thinking he’s a killer (and possibly a werewolf). They both start investigating on their own, Elizabeth to prove that Robert’s the killer and Jessica to prove he isn’t. They wind up at the murdered doctor’s house at the same time, without knowing it. Jessica finds a file with Annabelle’s name on it while Elizabeth takes Robert’s file and gets the address of his childhood nanny, thinking he might be hiding out with her. Seconds later, the murderer arrives and gets the idea to go see the nanny.
Elizabeth still has the anti-werewolf pendant Luke gave her, which has the initial A engraved on it. She figures A was Luke’s mom, who died when he was a child. (To quote Shannon on this subject: “Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle.”) Since Elizabeth thinks the silver bullet Luke also gave her will be enough protection, she puts the pendant in Jessica’s bag to protect her.
Jessica forgets her bag as she’s leaving for work the next day, and when she goes back to get it, she thinks that someone has been in her, Liz, and Portia’s room. She thinks it’s Robert, even though he’s supposed to have left London. Luke confirms to Elizabeth that the pendant was his mother’s, but says her name was Ann. Before they can talk more about this, the twins’ boss, Tony, announces that there’s been another murder. Elizabeth goes with Tony to investigate, and they find out the victim is the nanny.
Meanwhile, the murderer breaks into the twins’ room and finds the stolen files. When the twins come home, they find the files gone, and Elizabeth realizes her silver bullet is also missing. Jessica finds the pendant and at first thinks it belonged to the mysterious Annabelle, but Elizabeth tells her it was from a woman named Ann, so Jessica drops the subject.
The killer’s next victim is Robert’s father, though he survives the attack. Jessica visits him in the hospital, and when he sees the pendant, he tells her he gave it to Annabelle, who he loved. Oh, and who he had a secret kid with. Elizabeth and Tony go back to the Pembrokes’ place and find love letters Annabelle wrote Robert Sr., which mention their child. They think the secret son might be responsible for the murders and Robert Sr.’s attack.
Liz tells Luke about the Annabelle investigation, and he gets more worried about her safety. Rene is also acting a little weird, turning up at a tube station when he should be at work and not being at home when Elizabeth thinks he should. (The nerve!)
Jessica tries to talk to Lady Pembroke, who hates her (thanks to Elizabeth’s twin switch in the last book), and gets nowhere. Portia tells her that Lady Pembroke loves Portia’s father, the famous Shakespearean actor, so they get him to drop in for a visit with Jessica and Portia tagging along. Jessica blurts out that she knows about Annabelle, and Lady Pembroke tells her how much she hated Robert and Annabelle’s son, Lucas. Jessica puts it all together, because sometimes she’s the smarter twin.
Jessica tries to track Elizabeth down, eventually learning that she went to Annabelle’s old house with Luke. It’s there that Elizabeth also puts everything together, with some help from Luke, who’s now wearing a werewolf mask and totally wants to kill her. Before he can attack her, a homeless guy the twins kept spotting through the book shows up with a gun. It’s Robert, who’s been hiding in plain sight. Rene (who’s been following Elizabeth to protect her) and the inept Sgt. Bumpo are also there. Sgt. Bumpo ends up killing Luke, so in terms of dead boyfriends, Elizabeth now has one to Jessica’s two. But at least she has Todd waiting for her back in Sweet Valley.
The mini-series gets wrapped up with info Elizabeth reads in Luke’s journal: He had a Jekyll/Hyde thing going on and didn’t realize he was the killer. He knew he was Pembroke’s son and he killed everyone he blamed for his mother’s death. Except Joy, who he thought was Jessica. Cheery!
Thoughts: I’m hugely surprised Jessica doesn’t look at Robert’s medical file in the doctor’s house to make sure he doesn’t have some icky condition he’s hiding from her.
Elizabeth hears something in the doctor’s house and tries to calm down by reminding herself that she doesn’t believe in ghosts. Yeah, believing in ghosts would be ridiculous. Believing in werewolves, however…
I seriously, seriously don’t buy Jessica not thinking a woman named Ann could not also be named Annabelle. She’s kind of dumb, yes, but she’s not a complete idiot. And later she figures out that Luke and Lucas are the same person, so why not Ann and Annabelle?
What are the chances that two long-lost brothers would wind up dating twin sisters at the same time? Yes, this is what I’m having trouble suspending my disbelief over, not the werewolf stuff.
