April 29, 2012
SVH #119, Jessica’s Older Guy: Schooled
Guy in the brown jacket, you make me sad
Summary: Remember how Elizabeth decided she was going to stay at SVU? She tells Todd, and he is TICKED. And remember how Jessica was dating a college student named Zach? And how Magda, a girl from the sorority Jessica wants to join, also likes him? Jessica actually makes Zach leave a diner through a bathroom window before Magda and some Theta sisters can see them together. (I’m assuming they also dined and dashed.) Somehow, Zach still wants to be with Jess, and she decides she’ll stay at SVU, too.
Everyone thinks this is a horrible idea except the twins, and their friends decide to use some good, old-fashioned reverse psychology to make them change their minds. Headed by Enid, Lila, Todd, and Ken, they pretend they’re thrilled that the twins are leaving, rather than trying to talk them into staying. Their reasoning is awesome: Ned and Alice can travel instead of parenting, Lila will now be the most popular girl in school, and Enid will be the smartest, and will take over Elizabeth’s Oracle column.
Elizabeth starts her internship, which she won in the essay contest, but the editor-in-chief is sleazy, especially when you consider that he keeps checking out a 16-year-old. Also, Elizabeth hates doing what are basically secretarial tasks, though I don’t know what more she expected from, you know, an internship. Still, no one makes Elizabeth Wakefield fetch coffee, so she quits after two days.
Jess is still trying to hold onto Zach and pretend she’s in college. Billie knows about her scheme and is, for some reason, going along with it. Jessica finds out she wouldn’t be able to join the cheerleading squad until the next year, and that’s enough to make her second-guess her decision to stay at SVU. Keep in mind that neither twin is actually attending classes, so they’re only seeing the social part of college and making decisions based on that. Whatever, Jessica also misses Ken, even when she’s making out with Zach.
But there’s a big formal party at the end of the week, and Zach invites Jessica, so she’s obviously going to stick it out until then. However, she doesn’t want Magda to see her with Zach. She convinces Elizabeth to go to the party with Magda and two guys, but pretending to be Jessica. Jessica will in turn pretend to be Elizabeth with Zach, but only as far as Magda is concerned. In other words, Zach knows she’s Jessica, but Magda thinks she’s Elizabeth. Yes, that means two Jessicas. Just go with it.
Liz tells Magda that her sister (Elizabeth, as far as Magda knows) is all over Zach, and Magda’s surprisingly fine with it: She found out that Zach is also a high school student pretending to be in college. Elizabeth hilariously decides not to break the news to Jess.
The SVH kids are still on the Get the Girls Back bandwagon, so they all take a trip to SVU and, with help from Steven and Billie, arrange a surprise goodbye party. While they’re setting up, Todd and Ken crash the formal to get their girlfriends back. Todd sees Elizabeth (really Jessica) with Zach and thinks she’s happy. When the real Elizabeth sees him, she’s thrilled. Ken sees the real Jessica with her real new boyfriend and is rightfully angry. Zach is angry, too, when Jessica pretends they were just set up on a blind date. Then Magda spills the beans about Zach being in high school, which leads to a fight between him and Jess, but they ultimately laugh it off because the whole thing is ridiculous.
The action moves to the surprise party, where the twins’ friends run an actual slide show full of pictures of all their happy times in high school. I hope with all my heart that it was set to “I Will Remember You.” To the surprise of absolutely no one, the twins decide to go back to SVH, and Ken forgives Jessica, because why would he let a little cheating get in the way of his relationship with the hottest girl in school?
Thoughts: Magda and the Thetas would be a good name for a ’50s girl group.
Elizabeth is excited because the newspaper where she’s interning has Lexis/Nexis. Wasn’t that outdated even in 1995?
You’d think the newspaper’s editor-in-chief would know that “editor-in-chief” is hyphenated.
Also, if he called me “sweetheart” or any of the other names he calls Elizabeth, I would walk right out of his office within the first 30 seconds of meeting him, instead of putting up with it for two days like Liz.
Lila calls Todd a Philistine. I need Lila in my life for real.
Oh, wait, then she says an all-chocolate cake “goes against all the rules of dessert.” Never mind.
SVU’s football team is the Vanguards. What the–?
Zach: “How could I have been so stupid?” Jessica: “It is kind of amazing.” HA!
Todd, don’t make out with your girlfriend on her brother’s bed. That’s gross.
February 16, 2012
SVH Super Thriller, Murder in Paradise: A Face Only a Mother Could Love
Was this cover supposed to attract male readers or something?
Summary: Alice wins a week at the Paradise Spa for seven people, so she takes the twins, Enid, Lila, and Lila’s mother Grace. Enid’s mom has to stay behind for work, so the mother-daughter trip is really mother-daughter-motherless Enid. To make things worse for Enid, she’s feeling particularly unconfident next to all the pretty people who work at the spa. And to make things doubly worse, the guy Elizabeth tries to set her up with prefers Jessica.
Oh, yeah, of course there are guys. Elizabeth and Jessica both find a spa employee named Chris hot; Jessica thinks he’s interested in her, but he really likes Liz. Jessica moves on to Chris’ friend Alex, and though the two guys hang out with all four girls, Enid still feels left out. Elizabeth has also connected with an employee named Katya, who’s kind of touchy on the subject of her mother.
Enid starts doing beauty treatments with Tatiana, the woman who runs the spa. Tatiana has a scar on her face an unhealthy obsession with talking about how beautiful the Wakefields are. Also, she totally brainwashes Enid and makes her want plastic surgery. Katya leads some spa guests on a hike and they end up at a white building that the employees are all mysterious about. When Tatiana learns of the trek, she yells at Katya. The next day, Katya’s dead.
Tatiana claims that Katya had a heart condition and being in the steam room killed her. She has no family, so they can’t get in touch with them, even though Alice had encouraged her to contact her mother and Katya hadn’t said anything about her mother not being around. Elizabeth starts snooping – er, investigating – and finds an ad in Katya’s possessions that shows she found out about her spa job through a publication for runaways. It turns out all the teens who work at the spa are runaways, including Chris and Alex. They also don’t get paid for their work.
During a trip to a waterfall, Alice disappears. The twins freak and try to call Ned, but the phones aren’t working. Liz uses her laptop and emails Ned while Jessica snoops in Tatiana’s office and finds a yearbook from Alice’s senior year at SVU – except Alice’s picture has been cut out of it. (Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.) As Elizabeth figures out that Enid’s being conditioned for plastic surgery, Jess finds out that all of the spa employees have had their appearances enhanced since they started working there.
Elizabeth goes out looking for Alice, and even though it’s dark and dangerous, Grace, the only adult left, is all, “Don’t get killed. See ya!” Thanks for playing, Grace. Jessica then tells Lila and Grace about all the plastic surgery and stuff. She gets an email Ned sent back to Liz saying that he remembers Tatiana as an SVU classmate who had a girl crush on Alice. Jessica manages to put together that Tatiana, a surgeon, wants to make herself look like Alice. Meanwhile, Elizabeth returns to the place of Alice’s disappearance, where Chris, clearly brainwashed, pulls her into a cave, then takes her to Tatiana.
The whole story eventually comes out: Tatiana trained her assistant to perform plastic surgery so she can make Tatiana look like Alice. Then they’ll kill Alice because twins are bad, or something. Jessica, Lila, and Enid arrive to save the day, and Enid’s brainwashing proves to be as weak as Tatiana’s villainy, so she overtakes her brainwasher. She also in effect brings down the spa, leading all the employees to have a “ding dong, the witch is dead” moment. She probably still feels ugly, though.
Thoughts: Elizabeth, you don’t have “the instinct of a journalist.” You’re just nosy.
I don’t think I could handle being friends with someone as insecure as Enid for more than five minutes. Shut up, Enid.
Elizabeth just worked things out with Todd after the Ken fiasco, and she’s hooking up with another guy. Todd, believe it or not, you actually deserve better.
Funny how Lila thinks Jessica is crazy for falling for a groundskeeper – Lila strikes me as exactly the kind of person who would sleep with her hot gardener.
A book with “murder” in the title shouldn’t take 128 pages to get to that murder.
“After dialing Olivia Davidson’s E-mail address….” Oh, 1995, you’re so cute.
GHOSTWRITER. STOP USING THE WORD “MAILLOT.” NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS.
April 23, 2011
SVH Super Star, Todd’s Story: Smooth Criminal
I don't get it. What does Elizabeth see in this guy?
Summary: It’s summer, and there’s a day camp at Secca Lake where a bunch of the SVH students (the twins, Todd, Enid, Winston, Aaron, and Cara) volunteer to be counselors. There’s also a guy there named Kevin, who Todd knows from Vermont. Todd has never told anyone, even Elizabeth, that he tried to stop Kevin from mugging someone and was instrumental in putting him in jail. Kevin’s father offered Todd money not to testify, and Kevin threatened him as he was taken away. So…not exactly a guy Todd was hoping to see again. But apparently the camp didn’t run any kind of background check, so no one has any idea that Kevin’s an ex-con, or that he and Todd know each other.
Kevin hits it off with everyone, including Todd’s father, who’s sure that Kevin’s a completely changed man now. In fact, he thinks Todd is just being bitter any time he says anything negative about Kevin. (Great guy, that Mr. Wilkins.) Mostly he’s upset that Todd doesn’t want to work for Mr. Wilkins’ company, so when Kevin expresses an interest, Mr. Wilkins is all over it. Everyone thinks Todd is crazy for not liking Kevin, and they think he’s turning into something of a bully.
Jessica’s totally in luv with Kevin, so the two of them double date with Todd and Elizabeth. Then the Wilkinses tell Todd to invite Kevin over for dinner, and Todd catches him looking through Mr. Wilkins’ desk and rats him out. It turns out Mr. Wilkins asked him to get something, so now he thinks Todd is just a jerk. And then Elizabeth breaks up with him because he tells her to stay away from Kevin but won’t say why. People’s stuff starts disappearing (including Elizabeth’s lavaliere – oh, noes!), and a guy is mugged, so Todd thinks Kevin’s up to his old tricks. He tries to investigate, becoming more and more isolated from his friends. At the same time, Kevin tells them that Todd was a bully in Vermont and may have tried to rape a girl.
Dumbo Todd thinks that Kevin couldn’t possibly be a bad guy when he presents himself as such a good guy, so maybe he’s not guilty after all. Kevin asks Elizabeth out, and since she thinks Todd doesn’t care about her anymore, and because Jessica, for some reason, told her that Todd’s been flirting with another girl, she agrees to the date. Kevin proves to be not so much of a nice guy on the date, but Elizabeth doesn’t quite get that Todd was right when he told her she should be careful around him. Todd goes to Secca Lake that night, since some people have been hanging out there after camp, and he sees Kevin mug one of the counselors, but he…doesn’t do anything. Maybe the police, Todd? No? Okay, then.
Todd tells Winston and Aaron everything about Vermont, announcing that he’s going to go to the police the next morning. But they get to him first, having found his pen at the scene of the counselor’s mugging. He admits that he was there that night but can’t provide any evidence that Kevin was the real mugger. Jessica goes to get something from Kevin’s car and winds up finding everyone’s missing stuff, making everyone realize that Kevin’s a bad guy and Todd is innocent. Fortunately, Todd’s father has also figured that out by this point. Unfortunately, Elizabeth hasn’t. She goes for a walk with Kevin, who loses his temper and strangles her. Todd gets there in time to save her.
There’s some stupid wrap-up about Kevin accidentally killing his brother in a car accident and hating Todd for having a great life and blah, blah, blah, this book was dumb. Thank God this is the last Super Star, because three of them were about characters no one cares about.
Thoughts: This book was clearly written way before it was published, and no one bothered to check it to make sure things would fit. For one thing, Jessica goes out with Kevin and there’s no mention of Sam. For another, Cara’s randomly in Sweet Valley and still dating Steven, and there’s nothing in the book about her going to London.
Todd, if you don’t want Kevin at your house, DON’T INVITE HIM OVER. Tell your parents you asked him and he was busy, or you forgot to ask him. I can’t believe I’m advocating lying, but apparently you’re too dumb to get yourself out of this.
“In her opinion, a lie wasn’t really a lie if you told it for a good purpose, and if it sounded plausible.” Three guesses who “she” is, and the first two don’t count.
April 2, 2011
Sweet Valley Confidential: What the Crap is This?
Why would you put your name on this, Francine?
Summary: The twins are 27 and haven’t spoken in eight months. Elizabeth lives in New York and writes about off-Broadway plays; Jessica lives in Sweet Valley and works for a green makeup company. Oh, and she’s engaged to Todd, which is why Elizabeth won’t talk to her. Through flashbacks we learn about Todd and Jessica’s affair, Elizabeth’s discovery of it, and the twins’ falling-out.
Long story short, Jessica and Todd fooled around in college, but Elizabeth never knew about it. Jessica wound up moving to L.A., where she met a guy named Regan and married him after only a couple of months of dating. He turned out to be a jerk, and she ditched him while they were in Europe and ran back to Sweet Valley. She moved in with Elizabeth and Todd, and Elizabeth remained oblivious to their sexual tension. Regan showed up to see Jessica, got in a fight with Todd, and announced that it was obvious Jessica and Todd had something going on. Elizabeth finally realized it and left Sweet Valley.
Alice wants Elizabeth to come to Sweet Valley for her mother’s birthday, so Elizabeth decides to bring along Liam, a hot bartender, hoping Jessica will be so interested in him that she’ll show Todd her true colors. Except when Liam flirts with Jessica, Elizabeth gets mad. There’s also some stupid stuff about a playwright named Will who Elizabeth is writing about, and they hook up, but then he gets back together with his ex, and seriously, I can’t believe that was supposed to pass as a storyline.
Jessica decides she’d rather have Elizabeth than Todd, so she leaves him and heads to New York. Elizabeth suddenly forgives her and decides she approves of Todd and Jessica’s relationship. She agrees to be Jessica’s maid of honor. Once again, Jessica gets what she wants, even when that’s HER TWIN SISTER’S BOYFRIEND. And Elizabeth ends up with her best friend, Bruce, which…just…whatever.
The most interesting stuff is what happened to all the lesser characters, but the book barely spends any time on them. We barely learn:
- Steven married Cara but keeps having affairs. Jessica catches him with Aaron Dallas and tells Cara, which means she’s ruined another relationship with a sibling. And of course, she gets forgiven again.
- Todd writes a sports column.
- Ken (and NFL player) and Lila got married two years ago and are separated.
- Caroline is a real estate broker and runs a gossip website. She’s described as “the Perez Hilton of Sweet Valley.” She also battled cancer, but that doesn’t stop everyone from trash-talking her (Jessica even does it to her face).
- Jeffrey is a dentist.
- Enid is dating A.J. Morgan. She’s a Republican, an OB/GYN, and a recovering alcoholic.
- Robin is a caterer and a food critic.
- Winston is dead. Bleh.
Thoughts: I hated this book. Hated it. It was like reading about a bunch of people with the same names as SVH characters who act nothing like them. And with all the continuity issues, it’s not hard to think of them as not being the real characters. The book is also horribly written, as if Francine decided a third of the way through that it was a bad idea and then rushed to finish it so she could cash her checks. She has Jessica say “like” 137,000 times, and she’s obviously delighted that she can use whatever kind of language she wants, so she does. This isn’t an SVH book, it’s a book masquerading as an SVH book. It’s not worth your time.
Francine seems to have forgotten that Elizabeth and Todd dated in middle school.
“It’s a body I would know anywhere, even from the back: broad shoulders, neat waist, good legs.” No, Jessica isn’t talking about Todd – she’s talking about Steven. Say it with me: EWWWWWW.
Francine also forgot that Jessica and Aaron dated in middle school. I guess in her world, the whole Sweet Valley Twins series doesn’t exist.
Apparently Amy doesn’t exist either, since she’s not mentioned at all, but I can’t say I’m sad about that.
Trivia: Aaron has one blue eye and one brown eye.
Will thinks Elizabeth is horrible for wanting Liam to seduce Jessica. Oh, really, Will? You know what else is horrible? STEALING YOUR SISTER’S BOYFRIEND. Shut up, Will.
A.J. is described as a blond “bad boy.” Uh, no, he had red hair and he was a southern gentleman. He also dated Jessica. Shouldn’t Francine know this stuff?
There are a ton of other inconsistencies, but I don’t want to spend another minute thinking about this book, so I’m not going to address them. I’m also going to forget this book ever existed.
March 19, 2011
SVH #84, The Stolen Diary: When Jessica’s the Smart One, You Know You’re In Trouble
Man hands!
Summary: Todd tells Elizabeth he wants to take a break from their relationship (read: “I found a chick who’s hotter than you and might let me get to second base with her). She seems to be handling it well on the surface, but she can’t stop thinking about him and how he’ll eventually come back to her. When she realizes he’s seeing a girl named Peggy, she starts hanging out with an artist named Kris, accepting a date to a dance with him. Everyone thinks Elizabeth and Kris make a weird couple, but Kris has apparently had a crush on Elizabeth for a while. Elizabeth is mostly using him to make Todd jealous.
People keep talking about Elizabeth and Kris, calling them a couple, even though Elizabeth keeps insisting that there’s nothing really going on between them. Kris also believes they’re together, so Elizabeth decides she needs to tell him they can’t see each other anymore. She wants to tell him at a party at Maria’s house (for some odd reason), but then she sees Todd and Peggy together and decides it’s time to jet. Kris takes her home, they have a fight, and she tells her they’re done. At school, a rumor spreads that Kris and Elizabeth actually left the party to go to Miller’s Point (even though everyone who hears it basically says, “Uh, no, Elizabeth has never even heard of “parking”).
Todd confronts Kris, who starts talking about a bunch of things Elizabeth told him about Todd. Enid also talks to Kris, and he tells her stuff he would only know if Elizabeth told him. Elizabeth has no idea what’s going on or why Todd and Enid don’t want to talk to her. Jessica gets suspicious, especially when Kris says Elizabeth told him things about her that she knows Liz would never spill. Remembering that Elizabeth’s diary briefly went missing, Jessica figures out that Kris read it and is using the info in it to get revenge on Liz. She threatens to bad-mouth him all over town if he messes with Elizabeth again, and he winds up confessing and apologizing. Then Jessica helps Elizabeth patch things up with Todd and Enid, who are kind of horrible for thinking the worst of her.
Speaking of Enid, she misses her ex, Hugh, so Elizabeth helps her kind of stalk him. There’s a story in there about a fake missing earring, and Enid borrowing the twins’ car, which breaks down, but really, no one gives two figs about Enid, so whatever.
Thoughts: Bad parenting alert: The twins keep complaining about having problems with their car, but Ned and Alice ignore them. Okay, so mostly Jessica just wants a Jeep, but still, the car does break down. Maybe they should look into that?
Why is dating a senior (Kris is one) such a big deal? Lots of juniors dated seniors at my high school and no one cared. (It was a small school and the dating pool was kind of limited.)
Yeah, I bet Lila has a diary. “Dear diary, today I was awesome. Again.”
February 12, 2011
SVH #77, Cheating to Win: Way to Break the Dumb-Jock Stereotype, Tony
I'll bite - what are we looking at?
Summary: Annie’s dating a guy named Tony who’s on the track team with Roger (Barrett) Patman. He’s so good that he’s been scouted and could even make the Olympics someday. After a knee injury, Tony worries that he won’t be back in shape by the time he needs to be, so he accepts some “magic vitamins” (yes, really) from a guy at his gym.
Roger is hosting a 13-year-old Mitch whose mom was a friend of his late mom’s; Mitch has been suspended from school for a month and his mom thinks he could use Roger’s influence to help turn him around. Mitch ends up with a big-boy crush on Action Jackson (tm Maeby), AKA Tony, who ironically tries to convince him to stop drinking while he himself takes steroids.
Annie discovers the steroids in Tony’s locker and takes one to her cousin, who’s a biochemistry grad student and tells her what they are. When confronted, Tony denies being on steroids, but his behavior says otherwise. Annie confides in Elizabeth (of course) and Roger, who encourage her to slip Tony some placebos. Apparently her biochemist cousin can make placebos, so maybe she should quit school and go into drug forgery or something.
None of this really matters, though, because Tony overhears a conversation between his drug supplier and another guy, and it finally clicks that he’s taking illegal drugs that are giving him an unfair advantage. He comes clean to his overbearing father and coach, taking himself out of the upcoming all-county meet. The coach admires his honesty and agrees to let him compete, though he’ll make Tony take drug tests (which will turn up lots of sugar, I expect). Tony wins the meet, also breaking the state record, because drugs are bad, but being honest is good.
The B-plot is actually kind of fun. Todd’s annoyed that he and Elizabeth are never alone together, though he should probably stop inviting people to join them just as often as she does. Elizabeth comes up with a scheme to have Annie and Enid “kidnap” him and bring him to a restaurant for a romantic dinner. Todd has the exact same idea, substituting Winston for Annie and Enid, but they execute their plans at the same time. Just as Annie and Enid kidnap Todd, Winston kidnaps Elizabeth, and all five end up at the restaurant. C’mon, that’s cute, right?
Thoughts: I guess I wasn’t the only person who noticed that Elizabeth is always inviting people to hang out with her and Todd without asking his permission.
I thought it was common sense that if a guy in a gym offers you unnamed pills, you should run away very fast. I guess Tony isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box.
Addendum a few pages later: Tony doesn’t really know what steroids are. I can feel my IQ dropping just reading about this guy.
So teenagers exchanging locker combinations is the equivalent of giving someone a key to your house?
Why would Winston kidnap Elizabeth after she’s already in his car? Good idea, bad execution. Amusing, though. Winston tells Elizabeth, “You’re not supposed to make a peep. I’ve seen this in movies. Just lie back in the seat and moan every once in a while.” And now we know what Winston would do if he got a Wakefield twin alone in his car.
January 23, 2011
SVH #75, Amy’s True Love: He’s Here, He’s Queer, No One Cares
WASP alert!
Summary: Amy wants some attention, so she decides she should get a boyfriend. Specifically, she decides she should get Tom McKay, who’s recently broken up with Jean West. Jessica and Lila think she’s terribly uncouth for wanting to get with Tom just after he’s split from a fellow cheerleader, so they start ignoring her, wanting to show her what it’s like not to be at the center of attention. Because they’re the arbiters of which behaviors are appropriate and which aren’t.
Amy’s also struggling in sociology class, so her teacher suggests that she volunteer at a youth clinic. While she’s there, she gets to know Barry Rork, a friend of Tom’s, who develops a crush on her. Amy basically starts stalking Tom, who doesn’t want to have anything to do with her, while Barry kind of stalks Amy. (Yep, it’s one of those stalkerish love triangles.) Amy is completely unable to take a hint, and when Tom keeps trying to get away from her, she thinks she just needs to try harder.
Enid’s cousin Jake, a tennis player, is in town, and he hits it off with Tom. While visiting, Jake comes out to Enid, who kind of handles the news poorly, more because she’s surprised than because she doesn’t like that he’s gay. Jake also comes out to Tom, who starts to wonder if he might be gay, too. He goes to Mr. Collins for advice (is there no guidance counselor at SVH?), and Mr. Collins advises him to talk to someone at the youth clinic. The same day Tom goes there, Elizabeth is there to interview the director for the Oracle, and she sees Tom looking at a pamphlet about homosexuality and teens. Elizabeth pretty much doesn’t care, and neither does Barry when Tom tells him he might be gay.
Amy tells Barry she’s going to ask Tom out, but Barry (having been told by Tom that he’s really sick of Amy bugging him) breaks it to her that Tom won’t want to go. Amy asks Tom out anyway, and is embarrassed when he rejects her. Later, he sends her a nice apology note, and Amy learns that Barry stood up for her with that jerk Kirk Anderson, who was being…well, a jerk, so Barry must like her. Amy’s kind of been fighting feelings for him because she doesn’t think he’s cool enough, but I guess since Jessica thinks he’s okay, she does, too. And then Lila and Jessica lift their Amy ban, so everything’s good.
Thoughts: I kind of felt sorry for Amy in this book. But she mostly brings all her grief on herself, so it’s hard to keep up the sympathy for long.
Amy wonders why Tom and Jean broke up, and Jessica says, “I don’t know. It isn’t any of my business.” Aaaaaaaand Hell just froze over.
Amy is so wrong for a job counseling troubled teens that even she knows it.
“Barry was a nice guy, really sweet and sincere. What could he possibly like about Amy Sutton?” And this is from Jessica. The girl’s best friends don’t even like her!
December 29, 2010
Sweet Valley Super Star, Enid’s Story: Just When Enid Decides to Stop Being Dull…
Enid must have had a makeover since her last cover, because she actually looks pretty
Summary: It’s Christmas break, and Enid and Elizabeth are planning to spend some time together since Todd’s out of town. Enid’s also looking forward to a visit from her father, who she doesn’t get to see much since her parents’ divorce. Jeffrey French, unseen since just after his breakup with Elizabeth, makes an appearance at the Dairi Burger and winds up kissing Elizabeth under the mistletoe, thanks to peer pressure. This ignites a couple of sparks between them, but Enid doesn’t seem to notice, as when Jeffrey starts talking to her and wanting to spend time together, she thinks it’s all because of her, and she thinks she might have feelings for him.
Jeffrey asks Enid to a skating party, “just as friends,” and she decides not to tell Elizabeth about it because she thinks Liz isn’t going. Liz shows up anyway, and she’s a little hurt that her best friend didn’t say anything about hanging out with her ex. Also at the party is a guy named Brian, who Enid hung out with back in her druggie days. She wants to avoid him, but Jessica thinks he’s hot. Jeffrey tells Enid that Elizabeth baked cookies for him, and for some reason this makes Enid think that the two of them still have feelings for each other. I guess the secret ingredient in the cookies was subtext.
Brian wants to hang out with Enid, and since she basically has nothing else to do, she goes out with him. They wind up at a party and he has some drinks, even though he’s been talking all night about how he’s changed, and Enid decides she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. Then things get worse for her when she goes to meet her father and he proves her mother right in her accusations that he’s an alcoholic.
Everyone goes to a party at George’s (Enid’s ex) house, and Enid goes off to Miller’s Point with Brian because she thinks Jeffrey and Elizabeth…something. The motives get a little strange here. Brian and Enid do some drinkin’ and tokin’, and Enid trash-talks Elizabeth a little, which is awesome. Jessica winds up at Miller’s Point with a guy named Michael, who’s a friend of Steven’s, and when she sees Brian and Enid together, Jessica decides to hightail it back to the party to tell Lila the juicy gossip. She tells Elizabeth instead, and realizes that this is not a good situation for Enid. Especially now that Brian is driving around town like a maniac and won’t let Enid out of the car.
Somewhere in here, Enid’s parents find out that she’s out with Brian, and her father goes looking for her. The car crashes and Mr. Rollins saves both Enid and Brian, though there’s an explosion and Mr. Rollins and Brian are both burned. Mr. Rollins decides he needs to go to rehab for his alcohol problem, Enid decides her little relapse will be her last, and Brian…eh, who cares?
Thoughts: Enid gives her friends one piece of chocolate each for Christmas. Now we know why she has so few friends.
“Just about the worst event that had ever happened to Elizabeth was Todd’s family moving to Vermont earlier that school year.” Worse than her motorcycle accident, coma, and personality change? Worse than her attempted rape? Worse than her kidnapping? Also, Todd was in Vermont the last time it was Christmas in this series, so the ghostwriter has officially broken the space-time continuum.
No way would Jessica wear a sweater with a snowflake on it. Wrong twin, ghostwriter.
Enid buys Elizabeth a pink heart-shaped box at what sounds like a lingerie store. Is Enid in love with Elizabeth? See, now that I’ve thought that, I’m not going to be able to talk myself out of it.
You can tell this book is from the ’90s because Thai food is considered exotic.
I can’t imagine Enid ever being part of a “wild crowd.” I can’t believe she prefers being so dull.
Pages 127 through 130 are just so weird. First Jessica wants Brian even if Enid wants him, because “all’s fair in love and war.” Then she almost stops to flirt with George, who is, remember, Robin’s boyfriend. When she tries to talk to Brian, he only wants to talk about Enid. (He also thinks Jessica’s name is Jennifer.) Jessica tells Lila she’s mad enough to bite someone, which Lila thinks sounds like fun. Then Jeffrey approaches, but he’s also looking for Enid. Same with Elizabeth. Jessica tells her Enid is suddenly very popular, and Elizabeth says, “I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for the way you’re behaving, but you can tell me later.” And then, like the ADD-afflicted child she is, Jessica gets distracted by a hot guy and moves on.
Enid to Brian: “I think the biggest act of mercy would be to have you humanely destroyed.” Dude! Why can’t we have this Enid all the time?
Why is Lila pretending she cares about Enid when Enid winds up in the hospital? Christmas miracle or sloppy ghostwriting? You decide.
June 12, 2010
SVH #43, Hard Choices: I Went on Vacation and All You Get is This Lousy Recap
I have no idea what's going on here. Are the flowers poisonous?
Summary: Enid’s grandmother moves in with her and her mother and acts like an entitled diva. Apparently Nana can’t be left alone, so Enid keeps canceling plans with her friends and boyfriend to stay with her, since her mom keeps going out with her boyfriend. Yes, actually, it is as boring as it sounds. Finally there’s a confrontation and some yelling, and instead of hurting poor Nana and driving her away, it snaps her out of her annoyingness and turns her into a normal person. Who probably still doesn’t like Elizabeth, but that’s totally okay with me.
In the B plot, Elizabeth decides to make a documentary about Sweet Valley. She gets Jeffrey to shoot it and Jessica to narrate. It sounds horrible.
Thoughts: I’m more convinced than ever that Elizabeth will never, ever move away from Sweet Valley. For most people that wouldn’t be a problem, but that girl really needs a change of scenery. She loves Sweet Valley so much, she wants to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
Elizabeth, re: Jessica: “Make sure you always shoot her from her best side.” Jeffrey: “How about I just shoot her, period?” How does Elizabeth keep landing guys who are so much funnier than she is?
Funny how Enid’s mom thinks something naughty will happen between Enid and her boyfriend on an overnight school trip. Yeah, if they were real teenagers or characters in any other series, probably. But this ain’t Degrassi, Mrs. Rollins.
You know what’s even more boring than Elizabeth’s documentary undoubtedly is? Reading about the making of that documentary.
February 25, 2010
SVH #31, Taking Sides: I Was Promised a Hot Matchmaking Duel
Look, it's the world's most self-righteous staring contest!
Summary: Enid likes the new guy, Jeffrey French, so Elizabeth decides to play matchmaker for them. Lila also likes Jeffrey, so Jessica decides to help fix them up. She and Lila start out fighting dirty (ish), throwing a party and not telling Elizabeth and Enid about it so Lila can have some uninterrupted time with Jeffrey. Elizabeth and Enid fight dirty back, getting Jessica and Lila out of the way during a school auction so Enid can bid on Jeffrey without Lila interfering.
Enid wins the first battle, scoring a date with Jeffrey, but she soon discovers that they’re not a good match. Elizabeth won’t let it go, wanting to press on with her matchmaking “plans,” such as they are (there isn’t really much matchmaking in the book), even though Enid basically tells her it’s a lost cause. That’s because – surprise! – Jeffrey likes Elizabeth. And she has feelings for him, too. Awwwww. Enid doesn’t seem to care, by the way.
The B plot is kind of awesome: Jessica’s trying to spend time with this guy she likes, Eddie, but her and Elizabeth’s annoying cousin Jenny is in town and follows Jessica around everywhere. She and Eddie wind up together, which makes Jessica mad, which makes me happy. It almost makes up for the dull A plot.
Thoughts: Elizabeth asks Enid, “Can you imagine any guy in his right mind preferring Lila Fowler to you?” Actually, Liz, I can imagine all of them preferring Lila to Enid.
The school auction is actually pretty cool. Students bid on things like hugs and dates (yes, just like that episode of The Office) with cans of food for the hungry rather than money. I can’t believe SVH does something un-dorky and meaningful.
Enid keeping Jessica and Lila away from the auction so she can bid on Jeffrey is pretty diabolical for her. She pulls a Jessica on Jessica!
Mr. Collins auctions off a homemade meal. Does that mean he’ll go to a student’s house to cook? Doesn’t that seem inappropriate? He just gets creepier and creepier.
