May 24, 2012
SVH #120, In Love With the Enemy: Blood On the Dance Floor
Are those Sharks or Jets?
Summary: Jessica learns about a surfing competition with a trip to Hawaii for a prize, and she decides she wants to enter, even though she sucks at surfing. She starts working at it, even getting up really early to go to the beach, and meets a guy named Christian Gorman who gives her some pointers. They fall in luuuuuuv, even though Jessica’s dating Ken.
Remember when SVH had that big rivalry with Big Mesa? Well, now they have a rivalry with Palisades High. The Palisades athletes are really mean to the SVH athletes during games, and then pound on Ken a little after a game, so a bunch of the guys from SVH (including Ken, Todd, and Bruce) decide to get revenge. This revenge involves painting something lame on Palisades’ football field. Then the Palisades guys get revenge by TPing and egging the SVH guys’ cars and houses. There’s all this talk about the Palisades guys having a gang, but if they do, it’s the worst, weakest gang ever. And there isn’t even any dancing or singing.
Elizabeth and Enid have befriended a couple of girls from Palisades, and they’ve decided to try to bring peace to the two schools. They start by writing newspaper articles about each other, which is both lame and pretty much ripped straight from “Home and Away.” The articles don’t work. Then a tennis player from Palisades hits Tom McKay with a ball during a game, and freaking John Pfeifer writes about it for the Oracle, and the SVH guys who have been leading the anti-Palisades crusade turn the article into propaganda. Oh, and those guys have been having guys’ nights out to solidify their anti-Palisades hate, which means Tom is not the gayest thing in this paragraph.
All of the plots come together with a school dance. Elizabeth, Enid, and the two Palisades girls organize an SVH/Palisades masquerade at a warehouse, hoping that having the students socialize together will fix everything. (Again, stolen straight from “Home and Away.”) Jessica thinks this will be a good opportunity for her to refocus on Ken, despite having declared her love for Christian just the previous day. Ken and his buddies, however, think the dance is a good opportunity to bust some Palisades skulls. (If you think that sounds like the end of “A Night to Remember,” you’re not the only one.)
Outside the warehouse, Ken, Bruce, Todd, Winston, Aaron, Ronnie, and some other guys take on the Palisades jerks. Elizabeth realizes all the guys are missing and probably planning something bad, so she calls the police. Jessica comes across the scene just as Ken is being pounded to a pulp…by Christian. Ruh-roh!
Thoughts: You know what would have made the “twist” at the end an actual twist? If the back of the book hadn’t said that Christian was the leader of the Palisades gang. And if the book hadn’t been called In Love With the Enemy.
Elizabeth brings salmon and brie on a picnic. Girl, be a teenager, would you?
Ken’s house and car get TPed and he’s upset about the waste of paper. I think he’s dating the wrong twin.
Dear teenage boys of Sweet Valley: Hanging out at Bruce’s house without girls is not a “guys’ night out.” It’s just a night at Bruce’s house without girls. For it to be a guys’ night out, you would have to actually go out.
Also, when planning revenge, wearing jean jackets doesn’t make you look intimidating. It makes you look exactly the opposite of intimidating.
Palisades High’s newspaper is called the Pentagon. Stupid.
March 11, 2012
Dawson’s Creek 4.20, Promicide: What’s With This Show and Boats?
The calm before the storm
Summary: Bessie’s altering Joey’s prom dress, though Joey thinks prom is a bad idea, considering what happened last year. Pacey asks her to pick up their tickets since he isn’t allowed to buy them due to his poor grades. He wants to make prom night perfect for Joey, who tells him he doesn’t have to go overboard. Then he accidentally rips her zipper.
Over at Jen’s, Tobey tells her and Jack about a past prom experience where he came out to his date and she tried to turn him (quite aggressively). After he leaves, Jen urges Jack to ask him to the prom since they’re getting along so well. She’s sure Tobey wants him to ask. Jack was burned too badly by last year’s drama and doesn’t want to lead Tobey on.
Jen and Gretchen try on dresses while Dawson and Jack try on tuxes. Gretchen is excited to revisit her high school years with Dawson before heading to Boston. Joey thinks Jen has been sad since they got back from New York, though Jen claims she feels good about her life. Jack warns Dawson to “be careful” if he and Gretchen decide to have sex on prom night. Joey confides in Jen about her pregnancy scare, adding that she feels like Pacey’s being hands-off.
Dawson and Gretchen run into each other and she tells him she didn’t get the job in Boston partly because she doesn’t have a college degree. Now she’s not sure what she’s going to do. Dawson tells her she can skip prom, but she wants him to have a good experience. Jen tells Tobey that Jack wants to ask him to the prom but is afraid of being rejected. Tobey doesn’t think Jack’s interested, so Jen says that Jack begged her to come talk to Tobey.
Joey and Pacey wind up alone at the B&B, but Pacey’s uninterested in taking advantage of the circumstances. Jack calls Jen, who scrambles to excuse her actions, noting that Jack set her and Henry up. Jack assures her that he’s not upset, though he was a little ticked when Tobey called and said his answer (to an unasked question) was yes. Jack has decided to enact revenge, in the form of telling Drue that Jen wants to go to the prom with him.
On prom night, Mitch and Gail take pictures of Dawson as he tells Lily that their parents may seem weird but they’re actually cool. Joey arrives and Dawson’s parents take pictures of the two of them together. Dawson tells her that he’s glad they’ve wound up where they are after the past year. Gretchen and Pacey meet their significant others, but Pacey feels bad because he didn’t refrigerate the corsages. Dawson takes flowers from Gail’s garden instead.
As Drue joins the others at the Leerys’ house, Jack nervously picks up Tobey. When they get to the Leerys’, Jen complains to Jack about Drue, but he tells her she should have thought about the consequences of her actions ahead of time. Both of them announce that they’re going to have fun tonight no matter what. Jen gives herself a little liquid courage to help with that. Pacey also promises Joey a good night. Then the kids’ limo (arranged by Pacey) arrives, but it’s a piece of junk.
The kids stop at a convenience store, where Drue tries to get Gretchen to buy some alcohol. Jack and Tobey realize they both love Sno-Balls. Jen offers Pacey some booze, but Pacey tells her his dad and brother will make him take a breathalyzer later. He thinks she’s drinking because of Drue; she says she has other things to worry about. Pacey doesn’t get how their friends can be so care-free when their future plans aren’t going to work out. Inside, Joey catches Dawson buying condoms.
Everyone heads to the boat where prom is being held, and Dawson jokes that if anyone questions why Gretchen’s there, she can say she’s a chaperone. Jen snaps at Drue for following her, and he tells her Jack gave him $50 to stalk her all night. Jack and Tobey talk about their exes, and Jack is clearly loosening up.
Speaking of loosening up, that’s what Joey tries to get Pacey to do, since she thinks something’s wrong. He denies this, though she’s noticed that he’s been pretending everything’s perfect since he got back from his “camping trip.” Pacey says he’s trying to be who Joey wants him to be so she can have the perfect prom experience. She reminds him that she hasn’t said anything about wanting things to be perfect. Pacey blasts her for getting mad whether he’s acting happy or unhappy.
Drue finds a drunk Jen on the deck and tries to take her booze. She sits on the railing and tells him she won’t confide in him because he doesn’t care. Drue encourages her to talk, so she tells him about her visit to New York. He’s worried about her sitting on the railing but can’t convince her to come down.
Gretchen goes outside so Dawson can talk to Joey, who’s upset about her argument with Pacey. Joey insists she’s fine and doesn’t want to talk, especially about the condoms. Dawson admits that he and Gretchen haven’t had sex but might tonight. Joey asks if he’s in love with her. Dawson only knows that it “feels right.” Joey’s glad that his first time is going to be with Gretchen. Dawson says he waited so long because he wanted to find someone he loved as much as Joey, then realized that wouldn’t happen. Joey says she’ll probably never love anyone the way she loved him either.
Pacey finds Gretchen trying to drown her sorrows; she’s upset because she graduated high school four years ago and is still at the prom. For the first time since she and Dawson got together, she feels too old to be doing what she’s doing. Pacey says that since he’s technically still a junior, he shouldn’t be there. He admits that he’s been angry with Joey, though he’s not sure why. Gretchen urges him to talk to her, noting that they’re trapped on a boat together, so he might as well try.
Tobey wants to dance with Jack, but Jack’s insistent that everything remain platonic. Tobey thinks he’s trying to fight his feelings, telling Jack to figure things out or risk losing something great. Pacey and Gretchen see Joey and Dawson dancing together comfortably, so of course there’s going to be drama about that.
When the song’s over, Pacey tells Joey that when she was with Dawson, she looked happier than she has in weeks. The problem is that Pacey didn’t feel angry or jealous – in fact, he didn’t feel anything. He just has one question: “Why are you with me?” Pacey feels like a charity project. Joey tries to tell him that it’s not about him, but he yells that it obviously is. He feels inferior when he’s with her, but he’s realizing that that’s not his fault.
Pacey rants that the whole evening almost collapsed because he screwed up. Joey says again that she didn’t ask for anything and doesn’t care about the problems. He yells that he wants her to care. He doesn’t feel like he’s trapped on the boat, but that he’s trapped in their relationship, and he can’t take it anymore. “When I’m with you, I feel like I’m nothing!” he says. Pacey has stopped touching her because it reminds him that he’s not good enough. Joey tells him to go to hell.
Drue keeps trying to get Jen down from the railing, but she still refuses. She almost pulls an Abby, but he catches her and pulls her back onto the deck. Joey cries to Dawson that she doesn’t know why Pacey said what he did since that’s not her. Drue thinks Jen should go back to New York since she’s become a lightweight. She doesn’t want to go back, and she feels like she’s changed but doesn’t want to admit it. Drue tells her not to go backwards when she can go forward. He suggests Boston for college since he’s going to be there.
Jack apologizes to Tobey, admitting that his feelings took him by surprise. When they first met, Tobey was so out that it was all Jack could see about him. Now he’s seen more, and the one thing that turned him off before is just another thing Jack likes about him. They kiss, then go dance.
Dawson finally gets back to Gretchen, who has figured out what she needs to do with her life: go back to college and figure out who she is. Capeside isn’t her place, and Dawson isn’t for her. He’s still chasing after Joey. They need to tie up their loose ends. Dawson isn’t ready for them to be over, but Gretchen says they have an “impossible situation.” He may be good at them, but she’s not.
Pacey tracks down Joey and tells her that he used to think he could give her what other people couldn’t: a wall, a summer on his boat, the night on the ski trip. Now he hates himself, and being with her makes it worse. The more Joey loves him, the angrier he gets. Pacey’s failures don’t have anything to do with her, but if they stay together, he’ll keep taking them out on her. Joey notes that the way he treats her is in his power.
Pacey continues that their senior year is basically over, and they’re different people on different paths. They won’t have a boat trip this summer. Soon one of them will be in Boston while the other stays in Capeside. Joey’s spent her whole life trying to get out of Capeside, but that’s who Pacey is, and she deserves better. She doesn’t like this reasoning and tells him to leave her alone.
As the limo takes the kids home, Jack offers Drue his agreed-upon dating fee, but Drue declines it. No one’s talking to anyone else. The driver asks if they want to go to an after-party, but no one responds.
Thoughts: Yeah, I bet Gail lost the baby weight that fast.
I like Joey’s prom dress. It’s kind of simple, but it makes sense that she wouldn’t want anything too flashy. And I love that shade of purple.
Drue: “Oh, cool, a baby. Can I hold it?” Dawson, Joey, Mitch, Gail, Gretchen: “No.” An easy joke, but I laughed.
I can’t believe none of the girls got her hair done. Maybe there wasn’t enough money in the budget for a hairstylist?
This episode aired in May, but you can see everyone’s breath. Couldn’t they have edited that out in post-production? Maybe they still didn’t have enough money even after not paying hairstylists.
No way would Jen not have been searched for alcohol before getting on the boat, after what she pulled on the ski trip.
March 10, 2012
BH90210 3.10, Home and Away: “Brandon of Beverly Hills, You Don’t Know Squat”
In case you need visual proof that this show is from the '90s
Summary: After some random football-game footage, Brandon attempts to write an editorial for the Blaze while he flashes back to a post-game party at the Peach Pit. (He narrates the episode, which is really annoying.) There’s some exposition that Brenda has agreed to head up a committee to organize a school dance (the Pigskin Prom) that will give proceeds to kids. Donna thinks Sue is coming on to David, but Kelly thinks he sees her as a little sister.
Brandon’s hanging out with some football players, including Tony and Kyle, talking about their future game against a tough school called Shaw. There was some violent incident at Shaw after the game, but Brandon doesn’t really think about it. The next morning, Jim tells Brandon that two spectators were shot and killed at Shaw the night before. He thinks the Shaw/West Beverly game will be canceled.
At school, Brandon, Tony, and Kyle discuss the incident with another player, who disagrees with Tony that the violence was related to race. Football practice is canceled so the coach can go to an emergency school board meeting. Brenda auditions bands for the dance, but she has no control over the situation. Donna tells her to just hire David to DJ. Kelly’s excited because her father called the night before and has promised to come to town that weekend. That means she has to leave the dance committee since she won’t be attending the dance.
Brandon follows Coach Chapman and Ms. Teasley to the school board meeting, but only learns that a decision to cancel the game won’t be made until Monday. Brandon meets a Shaw student named Jordan Bonner who thinks the game dramatics are ridiculous; the violence had nothing to do with West Beverly. He assures Brandon that the West Beverly students have nothing to worry about. He also calls Brandon out for pretending he knows anything about gang violence. Jordan predicts that the game will be canceled, and he’s right.
Andrea and Gil interrupt Brandon’s narration/writing to see how his editorial is coming. He asks for 45 more minutes, since that’s how much time is left in the episode. But after Gil leaves, Brandon admits to Andrea that he needs more time. Apparently 15 extra minutes are enough. David books the Pigskin Prom, but Sue’s tagging along, and Donna isn’t happy about it. She lets it slip that she influenced Brenda’s decision to allow him to DJ. David assures her that Sue isn’t a problem.
Andrea checks on Brandon again, and he tells her he’ll take his time and lay the paper out himself. She warns him not to sneak in any swear words. Brandon goes back to narrating as he calls Jordan to talk about some super-secret plan. Kelly’s still on a high from the news that her father’s coming to town. Brandon thinks Brenda should cancel the dance since the game was also canceled. Donna suggests that they move the game to West Beverly, but Brandon thinks that will bring the violence there. Nikki decides to stay in the neutral zone, which is the smartest decision she’s ever made.
The phrase “neutral zone” gives Brandon an idea, and he drives to another part of town while thinking of Henry, whose store was trashed during the L.A. riots. Brandon visits Shaw, where students have to walk through metal detectors, and meets up with Jordan. He wants to ask the school board to move the game to a neutral location. Jordan sarcastically suggests Switzerland. He says if the game is played anywhere but Shaw, the gangs will win. They need to take a stand and let everyone know that Shaw students aren’t afraid.
Jordan is also a writer and has written an editorial about the past few days’ events. This gives Brandon another idea. He goes with Jordan to the locker that belonged to one of the dead students, who was a friend of Jordan’s. Brandon asks if the student was in a gang, but Jordan says it doesn’t matter. He’s mad that Brandon is only focusing on the game when two people are dead. He thinks Brandon should write a eulogy for the game. Jordan has already written one for his friends, and he and Brandon will publish both articles in both schools’ papers.
Brandon heads back to West Beverly with Jordan’s editorial, which Gil and Andrea balk at. They think it’s racist and inflammatory, not least because Jordan basically calls Coach Chapman a Nazi. Brandon thinks this is the best article they’ll get on the two dead students. Andrea says it’s too long, as if that’s the only problem. Gil says Brandon can write his own editorial, but they can’t publish Jordan’s in the Blaze.
Brandon goes back to his article, slamming everyone for focusing on the game and dance rather than the dead students. He wants everyone to “join together to form one circle.” His editorial is a call to arms. Jordan stops by with his editorial, which Brandon has already planned to print behind Andrea and Gil’s backs. Jordan calls him naïve, saying the first editorial was just his way of getting through his anger: “This is me getting through.” The new version is only two paragraphs, but they’re well-written. Brandon gives his editorial to Jordan, who’s skeptical about the call to arms.
The next day, Brenda blasts Brandon for inviting the Shaw students to the Pigskin Prom. She thinks the dance is going to be canceled. Everyone else is also mad at Brandon, including Gil and Ms. Teasley. Andrea feels betrayed, but Brandon doesn’t care. Gil has covered for Brandon, having told Ms. Teasley that some copy “fell through the cracks.” Andrea’s mad since her name has been on the masthead longer than theirs.
Gil tells Brandon he knows how much of a concession he made to change Jordan’s editorial. Brandon says he didn’t change anything. He wants to break the West Beverly students out of their sheltered existence and make them care. Gil also has to meet with Ms. Teasley about the dance, as he’s the faculty advisor. Dylan’s on Brandon’s side, telling Brenda that he likes what Jordan wrote. Brenda thinks they should go to dinner with Kelly and her father if the dance is canceled, but Dylan doesn’t think Mr. Taylor is going to show.
Steve and Donna confront Brandon over the possibility of the dance being canceled and David not getting to show his stuff to some record-label guys. Brandon meets with Ms. Teasley, who thinks that the school has no choice but to cancel the dance. Brandon argues that the Shaw students aren’t that different from the West Beverly students. She says it’s about violence, not race. Brandon asks if Shaw students would have been allowed at West Beverly before the shootings (which is a pretty gutsy thing to imply toward a black woman).
Brenda, Kelly, and Donna go shopping as Brenda relays the information that the Shaw students have been okayed to come to the dance. Donna’s still upset about Sue hanging around David. Brenda asks Kelly if she’s sure her father’s going to show, but Kelly thinks she’s being judgmental. “If you don’t know anything about something, maybe you should just shut up,” she says. David and Kelly both get ready for their respective events that night, though Mr. Taylor is running late. They wish each other luck.
Jim and Cindy aren’t happy with Brandon’s recent behavior, especially visiting Shaw on his own. He notes that they can’t keep him locked up in the house. Brenda’s going to the dance alone, since Dylan won’t be attending. Jordan calls to tell Brandon that a bunch of Shaw students are heading to the dance, but they’ve been drinking. David does the world’s dorkiest mic check with his new band and gets a lot of screaming praise from Sue, who Steve calls “user-friendly.”
Brandon, Brenda, and Nikki run in to warn Gil about the drunk students. “Guess who’s coming to dinner,” Nikki tells Steve and Donna. Security is a little too observant and almost won’t let Jordan in. Jordan thinks they should get some metal detectors. David’s equally worried about the Shaw students crashing and about Sue, asking Steve to get rid of her. He should be more worried about Sue than Shaw, as she totally wants to do him. David finally tells her that hooking up would be “incestuous.” She tells him he doesn’t know what he’s missing.
Tony and Kyle are ready to take on any crashers, though Brandon notes that security will handle them. Gil finally shows up and gets the scoop from Brandon. Meanwhile, Dylan decides to spend the evening alone at the Peach Pit, but Kelly’s there, having been ditched by her father. She admits that the last time this happened, she and some guy got high together, and her mother was so high herself that she didn’t know Kelly was gone. Dylan tells her that some people do change, then encourages her to go to the dance. She doesn’t know where to laugh or cry; he says no one does.
Security tries to keep the Shaw students out, even the ones who are there because of Brandon’s article, not to crash. However, those students warn Jordan that the West Beverly kids aren’t his friends. Everyone stays separated like it’s West Side Story, and Brandon tries to keep things calm. Then a fight breaks out, but it’s between Tony and one of the West Beverly players, who’s mistaken for a Shaw student since he’s black. They say they were just messing around as they always do.
Nikki and Donna try to break the tension by asking Shaw students to dance. Soon students from both schools are dancing together. And then David raps. A Shaw student joins him, though really the only appropriate response in this situation is to laugh and throw things at the white kid. There’s some Electric Sliding and general merriment, then slow dancing. David assures Donna that Sue isn’t going to be an issue.
Jordan tells Brandon that his friends who were killed would have liked being at the dance, though Brandon would have ticked them off. They watch the football players from their respective teams hang out, and Brandon suggests a friendly game in a park the next day. Jordan says no one could have predicted this outcome, but Brandon thinks anyone could have.
Thoughts: Jordan is Brandon if Brandon were successful. I think I love him.
Funny how Brandon thinks he and Jordan solved racism or whatever in this episode, when it’s really Nikki.
Andrea, I don’t think Brandon even knows any swear words.
Also, Nice Laura Ashley jumpsuit, Andrea. You’ve completely given up trying, haven’t you?
Steve: “I hooked him up with a band, didn’t I?” Donna: “I thought David found him.” Steve: “I was in the room when he called.” Don’t tell anyone, but Steve is secretly my favorite.
Donna: “I really wish someone would dance.” David: (dorky dances moves). Thanks a lot, Donna.
When David raps, I, like Kelly, don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
You know the recent revelation that Brian Austin Green won’t let Megan Fox watch this show? I think he had this episode in mind when he made that rule.
December 10, 2011
BSC Mystery #22, Stacey and the Haunted Masquerade: Will You Still Love Cary Retlin Tomorrow?
Stacey actually looks kind of cool
Summary: SMS is holding a Halloween Masquerade on Mischief Night, the night before Halloween. It’s the first masquerade in 28 years because the last one held there ended with a stampede, and a teacher died of a heart attack. Stacey’s really excited about the dance, so she joins the planning committee, which is headed by a teacher named Mr. Rothman. Cokie and Grace are also on the committee, and Grace hates everything the others come up with, while Grace is at least brave enough to have her own opinion.
Someone has been pulling off pranks at school, and the pranks lead to vandalism against the dance decorations and posters, plus graffiti that reads, “Will you still love me tomorrow?” The BSC girls suspect that someone doesn’t want the dance to go forward. They really only have two suspects: Mr. Wetzler, a school board member who was very vocal about his anti-dance stance (say that five times fast), and a group of students called the Mischief Knights, who were responsible for the original pranks. For some reason, no one suspects new student Cary Retlin, though his attitude indicates that pranks would be right up his alley.
The BSC girls decide to look into the last masquerade and learn that a girl was somehow involved. They also discover that Mr. Wetzler and Mr. Rothman were both students at the time. Stacey talks to Mr. Wetzler, pretending to be writing about the budget for the school paper, and he tells her there was a girl involved somehow. More research, this time in the off-limits school basement, leads the girls to the name Elizabeth Connor. It turns out she lived in the Johanssens’ house, so Stacey and Mary Anne make sure they’re looking after kids there together, then search the house. The only thing interesting they find is a heart drawn in the cement that says LC + MR – Liz Connor + Michael Rothman.
The next time Stacey sees Mr. Rothman, she decides to throw her cards on the table and tells him she needs information about Liz. He tells her everything: He was popular and Liz wasn’t, and his friends paid him $10 to take her to the masquerade as a joke. He felt bad about it but didn’t want to compromise his popularity. The last dance of the evening was to “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” and afterward Liz found out what was really going on. She ran off, and moments later the fire alarm went off and the lights went out, causing the stampede. After that, Liz left school and no one heard from her again. Mr. Rothman thinks Liz could be back in Stoneybrook.
Fast-forward to the masquerade (which isn’t really a masquerade since everyone knows who everyone else is). In the bathroom, Stacey runs into a teacher who was dancing with Mr. Rothman and has had her cloak stolen. Stacey figures out that Liz took the cloak and is now wearing it while dancing with Mr. Rothman. She reveals herself, and…we cut to the BSC girls telling Shannon what happened. (LAME!) Though nothing really happened, as Mr. Rothman just took Liz out of the gym and I guess got her help. Apparently Liz had some mental problems that accelerated after the original masquerade, and she’s spent 28 years obsessing over what happened. And that’s pretty much how the book ends.
The B plots involve Grace telling people she’s coming to the dance with a guy no one thinks exists, but who actually does, and the kids the club sits for all being obsessed with Ghostbusters.
Thoughts: The Mischief Knights are kind of lame, but I’m mainly impressed a bunch of middle schoolers can spell “mischief.”
There’s a big deal made about this being the first Halloween masquerade at SMS in almost 30 years, but there were Halloween dances in Mary Anne’s Bad-Luck Mystery and Kristy’s Mystery Admirer. So is there some difference here between a masquerade and a regular dance? A masquerade usually involves a mask, but at least some of the students don’t wear them.
I think I had a little crush on Cary when I was younger. Good girls do like bad boys after all. And I’m with Kristy: He makes things interesting.
The structure of this plot doesn’t really work for me. No one knows who Liz is until the last third of the book, so there’s no way for the reader to figure out what’s going on. They should have made the culprit the son or daughter of the teacher who died at the original masquerade.
November 23, 2011
Dawson’s Creek 3.22, The Anti-Prom: Define the Relationship
And then Jenn went, "Squee!"
Summary: Dawson awkwardly reminds Joey of a deal they once made to go to the junior prom together if neither had a date. Joey thinks they should agree that it’s a meaningless event, but Dawson sees it as a rite of passage. She gives in, on two conditions: no corsage and no ruffly blue tuxedo shirt for Dawson. Just when things are no longer awkward, Mitch and Gail send it back the other way by stumbling out the door, making out.
Joey makes an excuse to flee, and Mitch sends Gail away so he can discuss the situation with Dawson. Dawson notes that his parents’ relationship has always been “dramatic” and he’s just been a passive observer. Mitch tells him they’re maybe, possibly back together. Dawson confirms that Mitch hasn’t actually discussed that with Gail, but Mitch is pretty sure about this. Pacey and Andie study at his and Doug’s place, and she encourages him to go to the prom, possibly with her. She claims she’s trying to pick from her numerous offers. He declines.
Joey tells Bessie that Dawson asked her to the prom and she thinks she made a mistake by saying yes. Not only will it probably give Dawson the wrong idea, but she’s worried about how Pacey will feel. Bessie tells her she has a problem without a solution. At school, Andie complains to Jack about her lack of a prom date, though Jack thinks it’s better for her to go alone than with an ex she isn’t over yet. She says going with Pacey would be safe. Jack is going with Ethan, but he’s nervous about letting everyone know he’s bringing a guy to the prom.
Jen rants about how stupid prom is, though Henry notes that she’s never been to one. He also figures out that she’s trying to invite him. Jack tries to get his tickets but is informed by an annoying girl named Barbara that he can’t bring a guy as his date. She says she’ll bring it up with a teacher. Pacey overhears Dawson getting his tickets and learns that he and Joey are going to the dance together.
Joey and Andie take up Jack’s problem as their own pet project, though he’s resigned to just skip the dance. He hates that something that’s normal for everyone else has to be political for him. The girls decide that if he’s not going, they won’t either. Dawson announces that they should hold their own prom, “where it’s not about who you bring, it’s about who you are.” Everyone’s on board with this.
Dawson brings up the prom to his parents, who agree to let them use the restaurant and announce that they’ll be chaperoning. After Dawson leaves, Mitch tells Gail that their son is handling their reunion remarkably well. He, however, wants to discuss whatever their relationship is. She’s not paying attention. Jack and Andie sell tickets to their own prom, laughing off Barbara’s attempts to trash-talk them.
Grams alters her late husband’s tux for Henry, and when she leaves the room, Jen tells Henry it’s time for the “prom sex talk.” She thinks post-prom is an unromantic time for their first experience. He just wants to make sure it’ll happen eventually. Pacey stops by the McPhees’ and Andie admits that she didn’t have any other prom offers. He asks her to go with him.
The night of the anti-prom, Bessie makes Joey and Dawson take pictures and asks where Joey’s corsage is. He’s loaning her a pair of Gail’s diamond earrings instead. Jack is clearly uncomfortable at the restaurant, and Ethan promises that he won’t make him dance. When Pacey arrives with Andie, Dawson and Joey quickly go elsewhere. Meanwhile, Jen and Henry are thinking way too much about sex.
Ethan tells Jack that he’s never gone to a dance with another guy before; he thought it was something they could go through together. Jack’s upset that Ethan acted like a sage when he had no idea what he was talking about. Jen tries to get Henry’s (and her own) mind off of sex by discussing the summer. He tells her he’s going away to football camp for two months. Now she’s ticked and definitely not having post-prom sex with him.
Joey asks Dawson if he asked her to the anti-prom to throw it in Pacey’s face. She’s seen the way Dawson has been shooting looks at Pacey all night. She feels like he’s parading her around like a prize. Dawson says it’s not his fault if people want to look at them. Joey joins Jack outside and he admits that he’s hiding from Barbara. He doesn’t feel like he belongs at the anti-prom. Joey wants things to go back to the way they were with all their friends. Jack tells her to set the example.
Gail and Mitch dance, and she invites herself to spend the night with him. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea since they haven’t defined their relationship. Joey asks Pacey to dance, which Andie sees. He asks where she got her earrings, saying they’re too gaudy and aren’t her, unlike her bracelet, which is, because it’s simpler. Joey tells him the bracelet was her mom’s, and he reminds her that she told him the day she found it. She’s surprised he remembers. “I remember everything,” Pacey says. Andie’s not happy, and neither is Dawson, who’s also seen them together.
Joey follows Dawson as he stomps outside and blasts her for her actions. She says she’s trying to get things back to the way they were. He tells she can’t put things back together. He also admits that he organized the anti-prom for her, not Jack. Joey tries to get Dawson to admit that he wanted to get her to pick him over Pacey. He tells her they’d be missing a lot by not getting back together. He kisses her, telling her that was how the evening was supposed to end.
Henry takes Jen home and asks why she made a big deal about them not having sex when she was planning on it all along. He hates that she gets “extreme” about their relationship but lets everything fall apart because of her insecurities. Jen’s upset that she let herself be vulnerable with him. Henry assures her that his decision to leave has nothing to do with her. She gets it, but she knows that if they had a real relationship, he would have kept her in mind when making his decision. Henry says that if she goes inside, he’s not going to try to win her back. Jen goes in.
Jack chases down Ethan, who’s at the train station to go home. Ethan notes that Jack isn’t ready for a relationship, but Jack wants to figure out what they have before they figure out who’s ready for what. He doesn’t get why there are so many hurdles when Ethan just has to kiss him. Ethan says he’s not sure if Jack’s ready, so Jack will have to make the first move. No one’s around, and there’s nothing to interrupt them, and he dares Jack to do it. Instead, Jack leaves.
Pacey walks Andie home, telling her he honestly believed he wanted to go to the prom with her. As soon as he arrived, he realized the real reason he wanted to go. Andie says she’s sorry things didn’t work out for him, but at least he got to dance with Joey. Pacey wants to make things up to Andie, but she tells him he can’t.
Pacey changes the subject, telling her he’s going to spend the summer sailing True Love to Key West. He’s leaving right after finals. Andie asks if he’s told Joey how he feels. Pacey replies that Joey already knows, but Andie wants him to tell Joey he’s leaving. She urges him to tell Joey he loves her and try to get her back, or he’ll regret it.
The next day, Joey returns Gail’s earrings to Dawson and admits that she felt something unexpected when he kissed her. She thinks that feeling will probably always be there. But she can’t keep hurting people, and she can’t choose between Dawson and Pacey, so she doesn’t want Dawson to make her. He tells her he’ll wait. He’s spent the whole year feeling like he’s on a journey, and now he’s come to the end, and Joey’s there.
Gail goes to Mitch and Dawson’s, sitting him down and kneeling in front of him as Dawson and Joey come in. She wants to make any mistakes they might remake together. Mitch is up for that, too. Dawson and Joey watch their reunion, stunned but happy.
Thoughts: Whoever did Andie’s hair and makeup for the prom is in the wrong line of work. I love her dress, though.
I didn’t realize until this episode that Jack and Joey haven’t had a conversation since right after he came out. It’s hard to remember that they ever dated. Though that could be because they have no chemistry.
Joey, asking Pacey to dance isn’t setting an example. It’s doing the same thing to Dawson that you accused him of doing to Pacey – throwing someone in his face. Though kudos for doing something for yourself instead of making everything about Dawson and tiptoeing around him as usual.
Henry’s totally right about Jen. She’s overreacted to so many things in their relationship that it’s ridiculous.
November 20, 2011
BH90210 2.17, Chuckie’s Back: The Two Sons of Samantha Sanders
Wait, Steve is the best-dressed person in a scene? You're kidding, right?
Summary: The students at West Beverly are taking finals and getting ready for the upcoming winter formal. Kelly and Brenda tease Donna about how close she and David are getting, though Donna insists they’re just friends. David ruins this by playing Ritchie Valens’ “Donna” on the radio. Brandon tells Steve he’s not going to the dance since he doesn’t have a date and hates dancing. Steve confides that he’s thinking of giving Kelly a second chance, as if she’s earned the privilege. But when he asks her, she tells him she’s going with Chuckie Wilson. Steve takes this personally.
After his history final, Steve complains to Brandon about Chuckie, who was a child actor on Steve’s mom’s TV show. Apparently he’s as rebellious in real life as his character was mischievous. He would bully Steve as a child, but Steve would get in trouble. Everyone gave Chuck what he wanted so he would do his scenes. Brandon notes that Chuckie has probably changed in the past decade. Steve replies that when Chuckie first came to West Beverly, he warned Steve, “Chuckie’s back.” He adds that the show, Hartley House, might do a reunion.
Samantha arrives and confirms the possibility of the reunion, saying it’s only on if Chuckie agrees to it. Chuckie is coming to dinner, and Samantha wants Steve to be on his best behavior. When Chuckie arrives, he taunts Steve about going out with Kelly. Kelly’s over at the Walshes’, and everyone’s talking about Chuckie and Hartley House. Kelly’s known Chuckie and Steve since they were kids, and she doesn’t think their rivalry means she has to choose between them.
After dinner, Samantha blasts Steve for being rude throughout dinner. Steve is mad that she’s on Chuckie’s side once again. She reminds him that the reunion will only work out if Chuckie agrees to it. She adds that she worked to support the family since she was a single mother. Steve says she loved being the star of a TV show. His mother tells him that the reunion will bring in a lot of money, which will pay for college for him, since they can’t rely on Steve’s father to take care of that. Samantha thinks Steve was always the mature one (I bet) and encourages him to be nice to Chuckie.
At school, a newspaper staffer named John encourages Andrea to do a story on the Hartley House reunion and Chuckie’s troublesome past. He thinks they should write about “the two sons of Samantha Sanders.” Brandon is worried that John will dig up dirt on Steve and asks to do the story himself. Andrea reminds him to be objective. Brandon approaches Chuckie, who treats the interview like a real press interview. He also claims that he and Steve were like brothers.
Steve interrupts the interview to apologize to Chuckie for his behavior at dinner, making it clear that he’s only doing so because Samantha told him to. Chuckie tells him he’s a jerk because he’s insecure, as many adopted kids are. Steve is furious that Samantha told him and hits Chuckie. Chuckie threatens not to do the reunion if Steve doesn’t take the whole blame for the fight. Steve gives in and could get suspended, which means missing finals and failing the semester. Brandon notes that he has the fight on tape and could clear Steve, but Steve isn’t interested.
At home, Steve wants to talk to Samantha, but she’s still trying to get Chuckie on board for the reunion. He admits that he got suspended for hitting Chuckie. Samantha blames him for Chuckie’s hesitance, saying she was counting on Steve to help her out. Steve assures her that Chuckie will do the show. At school, Donna wistfully hopes that someday two guys will fight over her. Kelly and Brenda wonder if she wants one of them to be David.
John loves how the fight could fit into the newspaper story, telling Andrea that kids will want to read about it. Brandon refuses to tell what really happened, saying the public doesn’t have a right to know. John notes that he’ll never be able to succeed on a college paper if he thinks that way. After John leaves, Andrea asks Brandon what happened, but he still won’t spill.
Steve watches a Hartley House reunion in which Chuckie’s character asks Samantha’s character where he comes from. He falls asleep and dreams about being on the show and asking the same character. Chuckie taunts that he must have a real mother somewhere. TV Steve tells his dreaming self that he needs to go look for his birth mother.
In the morning, Samantha’s cheerful because the reunion is a go. Chuckie told her that Steve was responsible for him agreeing to the show, so Samantha rewards Steve with a new car. Steve confronts her with the news that Chuckie knows he was adopted. Samantha denies that she told him. Steve reveals that he got suspended because he took the blame for the fight so Chuckie would do the reunion. He accuses Samantha of becoming a mother because she thought of it as a role. He adds that he’s going to find his birth mother.
Steve goes to Cindy for advice, asking her if she would have told the twins if they were adopted. He asks how she would feel if they were adopted and wanted to find their birth parents. Cindy admits that she would be afraid of losing them. She notes that birth parents don’t always want to be found. At school, David asks Donna to drive them to the dance, since he’s not old enough. Her friends wonder what she sees in him. Dylan asks if she’s worried about getting a reputation as someone who dates younger men. Donna insists again that they’re just friends.
Brandon pulls Kelly aside to chastise her for keeping her date with Chuckie. She thinks his fight with Steve was over her. Brandon tells her the fight was really about Chuckie giving Steve a hard time about being adopted. Kelly isn’t sure what to do. Chuckie and Samantha go to their old soundstage to solidify their deals for the reunion. Samantha brings up Steve, asking Chuckie what happened between them. She asks how he knew that Steve was adopted. Samantha’s agent admits that he spilled the beans because Chuck was jealous.
Samantha blasts her agent for betraying her trust to make a spoiled brat feel better. Chuck notes that he’s the reason the show stayed on the air, adding that he only agreed to the reunion for her, since he knows how important the show is to her. Samantha says she’s put up with the situation for too long and she’s not doing the reunion.
Steve mopes and plays Gameboy at the Peach Pit. He tells Dylan he’s adopted and he wants to find his birth parents. Dylan isn’t sure that’s a good idea. He warns that Steve might not be able to have a relationship with his biological mother just because he wants to. Samantha may not have given birth to Steve, but she’s always been there for him.
When Steve goes home, Samantha tells him she’s not doing the reunion. She apologizes for making him be nice to the little twerp for so long. Steve asks her who his birth mother is. Samantha admits to being scared the way Cindy predicted she might be: She doesn’t want to lose Steve. Donna and David go to the dance together, her still insisting that they’re not dating. She tries to make him feel better by saying she’s proud to go to the dance with the best dancer at West Beverly. David tries to kiss her, but she doesn’t see him as that kind of friend.
Samantha tells Steve that all she knows about his birth mother is her name, Karen Brown. She was very young and from a small town outside of Albuquerque. Steve decides that’s where he needs to go – tonight. Kelly skips the dance to get even with Chuckie and goes to Steve’s house instead. They go for a drive and he tells her about his trip to New Mexico. Kelly offers to drive him there, but Steve wants to take the bus and leave his California life behind. She insists that he at least say goodbye to their friends before he goes.
At the dance, Brenda tells Dylan he’s spending Christmas with the Walshes. He’d like a promise that Jim won’t dress up as Santa. Andrea tells Brandon that he was right about the Steve/Chuckie story being gossip, so she won’t run it in the paper. Kelly and Steve arrive at the dance in time to see David become the star of the dance floor. Everyone’s also watching when David and Donna start making out. Donna admits to her friends that she likes David and it’s too bad if anyone has a problem with it.
Kelly blows Chuckie off and dances with Steve. He’s busted for being at the dance after being suspended, so he decides to just head to the bus station. Chuckie taunts him for taking the bus, and Steve replies that Chuckie’s a has-been. The gang leaves the dance to take Steve to the bus station, learning along the way that Steve was adopted. Kelly promises that no matter who or what he finds in New Mexico, the gang will always be his family.
Thoughts: The kid version of Chuckie is played by the same kind who played hellion Aaron on Full House. (He was also in Pet Sematary and Kindergarten Cop.) I always thought he was so adorable.
Teenage Chuckie looks like the love child of Colin Farell and Zac Efron. If only he wouldn’t wear such aggressively ’90s clothes. (Colorblocking, ahoy!)
“The best dancer at West Beverly”? Donna, why must you lie?
People, we have to stop telling brandon he’s right. No good can come of it.
We also have to stop encouraging David’s dancing, because…seriously.
October 10, 2011
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: This Movie Sucks More Than a Vampire
Spandex: scarier than any bloodsucker
Summary: A James Earl Jones wannabe tells us that since the dawn of time, the Slayer has been responsible for protecting people from evil, while being looked over by a Watcher. In the Dark Ages, a Slayer gets a weapon from her Watcher. Buffy (Kristy Swanson) and her fellow cheerleaders perform at a basketball game at their high school. Later, Buffy and three of her friends (one of whom is Kimberly, played by Hilary Swank) go to the mall and Buffy complains about a history test she didn’t do well on. They discuss going to a movie and use slang like “stale” and “bogus.”
Merrick (Donald Sutherland) tries to get in an elevator with the girls, who make fun of his clothes and think he’s homeless. Buffy’s friends think she’s lucky because her parents are always going away for the weekend. They talk through a movie while Benny (David Arquette) and Pike (Luke Perry) complain about them. After the movie, Buffy meets up with a guy named Jeff who’s going to meet her at her house that night. Meanwhile, their friend Ben goes by a carnival and gets killed by Amilyn (Paul Reubens). Buffy’s flighty parents leave for the weekend while Buffy and Jeff make out in the living room.
Back in what looks like Elizabethan times, a Slayer fights off some bad guys but gets captured. Buffy wakes up from her dream about this as some ancient creature is almost brought back to life. At school, Buffy and her friends discuss themes for a school dance, settling on the environment. Principal Murray (Stephen Root) sends them to class. They continue the conversation at some teen hangout that night and Buffy officially meets Pike and Benny. Benny gets all sexual-harassy on Buffy. The guys end up by the side of a road, where Amilyn finds them and bites Benny. Merrick shows up and takes a totally out-of-it Pike away.
Buffy stays behind after a cheerleading practice and does some gymnastics while Merrick watches. He tells her he’s been looking for her everywhere because he wanted to bring her her birthright. She’ll have to come with him to a graveyard to get it. Buffy’s not too bright, but she’s at least smart enough to know better than to go to a cemetery with a creepy old man. Merrick tells her she’s “chosen” and has to help stop the vampires. She asks if Elvis talks to him. Merrick notices that she has a birthmark and calls it the Sign of the Covenant.
Merrick asks if Buffy ever has dreams about being someone else. He guesses what some of them are, even though she’s never told anyone about them. He tells her this has to do with her birthright, and he’s part of it. Buffy agrees to go to the cemetery with Merrick and he takes her to the grave of a guy named Robert Berman who died three days earlier. He gives her a stake and tells her to watch. They’re waiting for Robert to wake up. “Do you have any gum?” Buffy asks. Meanwhile, her friend Cassandra is totally in danger.
Robert comes out of his grave and Merrick goes after him with a stake. He’s really bad at this. Another supposedly dead person comes out of a grave and Buffy fights her off as Merrick struggles with Robert. Buffy winds up staking both vampires. Benny, now with fangs, comes to see Pike and asks to be invited in. Pike notices that he looks bad. Oh, and he can fly now, so there’s that. Merrick drives Buffy home and tells her to act normal when she goes to school the next day. When the vampires find out who she is, they’ll come after her. He gives her an address and tells her to meet him after school, though she has practice. Buffy clarifies that vampires can’t come in unless invited.
Buffy comes home late and her mother doesn’t notice that she’s dirty and bloody. She dreams about going to bed with Lothos (Rutger Hauer) in a room that’s definitely not her room. Amilyn takes Cassandra to the place where he’s been trying to raise Lothos, who seems to have been completed restored. Merrick stalks Buffy at school, mad that she didn’t meet him. She tells him he’s wrong about her being the girl he’s been looking for. He pretends to accept this, then throws a knife at her. She catches it and he notes that only the chosen one could have done that.
Buffy tells Merrick that all she wants to do is graduate, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. She asks if he knew she was sitting on a fresh grave the night before. When he confirms this, she punches him in the face, pleased to see that she didn’t even break a nail. Cue a training montage with a punching bag, tires, rope, and stakes. Also, lots of neon and leggings. Later, Merrick asks Buffy how Lothos makes her feel in her dreams. She admits to being scared.
Principal Murray summons Buffy to his office, thinking she’s on drugs. She spits a jelly bean at a spider and pins it to the wall. Pike works on a van at a garage, telling his mechanic boss that something weird is going on in town and he should get out. He also mentions that something weird is going on with Benny. Buffy walks home alone at night and runs into a vampire. She uses her new Slayer skills to fight and kill him. It was actually a trap, and Merrick warns Buffy not to get herself into trouble with multiple vampires.
Buffy’s been having cramps, which Merrick says is a natural Slayer reaction to unnatural vampires. This should help her track them. Buffy’s upset that she’s risking her life while Merrick does nothing. He tells her he’s trained a ton of girls and isn’t allowed to interfere, no matter how exceptional his Slayer is. Buffy wonders if he has to keep being a Watcher until there are no more vampires. She assures Merrick that her keen fashion sense will keep her alive. He sarcastically comments that all vampires should beware, and she teases him about cracking a joke.
Pike’s van breaks down, but it’s okay because some friendly guys with fangs are coming along to help him. Oh, wait, one of them is Amilyn. Pike tries to lose him but Amilyn has a tight grip on the front of the van. He climbs up to the roof and punches through it, trying to grab Pike. He falls off when he’s hit with a branch, losing an arm in the process. Pike crashes into a tree and has to ditch the van. Amilyn’s mad that Pike tore his new jacket and tells his minions, “Kill him a lot.” Pike starts fighting them, then is joined by Buffy, who kills the two minions.
Merrick shows up as well and Pike recognizes him before passing out. Buffy takes Pike to her place and confirms his suspicions that the minions were vampires. He tells her one of his friends is, too. Buffy confides in Pike that her whole life has changed in three weeks, and everything she thought was important before now seems stupid. She invites him to sleep in the guest room, but he wants to stay in the living room and make sure the sun comes up. Lothos blasts Amilyn for leaving Buffy and Pike behind. Amilyn is so incompetent that Lothos isn’t sure how he made it through the Crusades. Then he goes to eat a cat.
At school, Buffy’s friends discuss Cassandra but aren’t entirely broken up about her death. A jock grabs Buffy’s butt, so she attacks him up. Later, she complains to Merrick about her slaying interfering with her cheerleading. He comes to a basketball game, where Buffy’s the only person who notices that one of the players is now a vampire. A ref tries to get him kicked out of the game for floating. The other players won’t play defense against him because he’s weird. (“He has no concept of zones,” one of them remarks.) Even Ben Affleck is freaked out. (No, seriously, Ben Affleck is in this movie.)
Buffy trips the player and faces off with him, making him run off. She chases after him, telling Merrick that the vampire knows who she is. She gets hassled by some bikers, beats on one, takes his motorcycle, and keeps chasing the vampire. The vamp loses her by jumping over a fence, but Pike sees Buffy riding by and goes after her on his own bike. They wind up at a spot where parade floats are stored, and the vamp uses one to run Buffy down. She tries to remind him who she is, since they used to be friends. A couple of vamp minions grab her, but before the vamp can bite her, Pike stakes him. Together, Buffy and Pike kill the minions, then almost make out.
Lothos and Amilyn appear, and Pike wants to run but Buffy’s entranced by Lothos. Merrick shows up as well and Lothos asks if he’s finally brought someone worthy. He starts to bite Buffy, but Merrick stops him. He starts to stake Lothos, who stabs him with his own weapon. Lothos and Amilyn leave as Lothos doesn’t think Buffy’s ready. A dying Merrick tells Buffy that she does everything wrong, but that’s good. “When the music stops, the rest is silence,” he says. Then he dies.
The next day, Buffy’s friends discuss her sudden disappearance from the game. She shows up and tells them she met an older guy a few weeks ago. They think she’s having an affair. Buffy asks them if they’ve noticed weird things going on. They tease her for hanging out with Pike and ask why she keeps blowing off all of her activities. Buffy blasts them for being so excited for a school dance. That night, Pike tracks her down as she’s out looking for a dress for the dance. He doesn’t understand why she’s going when the world is under attack. She blames herself for Merrick’s death. “I’m the chosen one, and I choose to be shopping,” she says. Benny overhears this.
The news spreads to Amilyn and Lothos, who plan to go after Buffy on Saturday, the day of the dance. Pike whittles stakes and makes himself look pretty while Buffy picks out a dress. On Saturday, everyone gets ’90s-glammed-up and dances. Buffy arrives in a white dress and looks for Jeff, who’s come with another girl, one of Buffy’s friends. He left her a break-up message on her answering machine. Pike arrives and dances with Buffy. He tells her she’s not like other girls, but she says she is. They finally make out.
Vampires attack, and Buffy tells everyone they can’t come in unless they’re invited. Kimberly says she already invited them – “they’re seniors!” Fortunately, Buffy has a bag of weapons and is ready to fight. Pike gives her his leather jacket, for some reason. Despite the fact that there are 20 vampires (I’m pretty sure one of them is Seth Green) and just Buffy fighting them, she doesn’t get killed. Pike isn’t very good at protecting the kids in the gym, though. Amilyn finds Buffy, who mocks his hair and tries to hide from him. Benny attacks Pike, offering to turn him into a vampire.
Amilyn tracks down Buffy (which isn’t a surprise, since she didn’t do a very good job of hiding) and warns that he’s immortal and can do anything. Lothos appears, playing a violin; hilariously, he brought a metronome with him. Buffy uses the distraction to her advantage and stakes Amilyn. “You’re going to wish you’d died,” he says, then takes approximately five minutes to die. Lothos notes that Amilyn was Buffy’s first real kill, and Lothos’ last gift to her. In the gym, Pike throws holy water in Benny’s face. Lothos tilts Buffy’s head and tells her it’s “time to put away childish things.”
Suddenly everything is quiet, and Buffy remembers what Merrick said about silence. She tells Lothos it’s too late. “You and I are one,” he says – they’re joined. She fights him and he says she’s just like all the other girls. Buffy holds up a cross, lights it on fire, and uses hairspray to ignite it and burn Lothos. In the gym, the principal hands out detentions and knocks out Kimberly for freaking out. Buffy returns and tells someone to find Pike.
Lothos arrives with a big sword, telling Buffy that she’s his destiny, so he could never hurt her. Instead, he’s going to kill everyone else. Buffy grabs a flag and uses the pole for a sword fight. Just as Lothos is about to finish her off, Pike attacks him and gets his attention off of Buffy. She uses a wooden chair to fend off Lothos’ sword, and when the sword breaks it, she uses a piece to stake him. Buffy revives a dazed Pike and confirms that they’ve won the battle. They dance, then ride off on his motorcycle.
Thoughts: If I hadn’t been recapping this movie, I wouldn’t have watched all of it. It is so, so bad. Like, Karen Brewer levels of annoying. Everyone in this movie could do better. Okay, maybe not David Arquette. I think the biggest problem is the camp factor. Everything that’s supposed to be serious can’t be taken seriously. The series is much darker, and its funny moments are funnier.
Kristy Swanson makes a pretty good Buffy, but I don’t think she could have handled it on the show. Sarah Michelle Gellar IS Buffy.
The dreams about past Slayers don’t come up in the series until the last season of the show, I think. At least I don’t remember Buffy mentioning them before that.
Merrick sucks as a Watcher. Giles FTW!
Hee, “kill him a lot” made me laugh out loud. I think that was the only part that did.
I think I have a crush on Luke Perry now.
August 20, 2011
BH90210 1.21, Spring Dance: This is Why I Don’t Miss High School
Girls, girls. You're both morons
Summary: Steve’s very excited that it’s spring. The two of them ogle a girl named Darla, putting on x-ray glasses. Steve’s determined to go to the spring dance with Darla, then hook up with her in a room at the hotel where the dance is being held. David announces the four girls chosen as spring princesses; Kelly’s one of them. Andrea tells Brandon that Kelly’s the first spring princess she’s ever known. She tries to dig for information on Brandon’s plans for the dance, but he says he’s not going. Andrea rants about how stupid dances are, though she obviously wants to go with him.
Steve flirts with Darla (“Steve Sanders. We say hi a lot”) and asks her to the dance. She tells him she won’t ride in his Corvette. Brenda asks Andrea if Brandon asked her to the dance, then encourages her to do the asking. Andrea says they might just hang out together that night. After school, Kelly drops by the Peach Pit and admits to Brandon that she doesn’t have a date to the dance. He’s the only guy she’d consider going with. He’s uncertain about going, but Kelly promises that they’ll have a good time.
Steve arrives and Kelly tells him she’s going to the dance with Brandon. “Brandon who?” he asks. Brandon tells Steve to ask Donna and double-date with them. The next day, Steve does so, and Donna hesitantly accepts. Kelly wants a limo for the dance, since she’s a spring princess, but Brandon can’t afford one. She tells him Dylan will probably pay for one. Andrea asks Brandon about their plans for Saturday night, and he tells her he’s going to the dance with Kelly. Shockingly, she’s not happy for him. (I know!)
The next day, Brandon questions why Andrea’s so upset, since she didn’t want to go to the dance anyway. He basically says he’s going with Kelly as a favor. Brandon shops for a rental tux with Steve and Dylan, who mention how expensive everything for the dance will be. Steve mentions that Dylan’s planning to get a hotel room with Brenda, which is definitely not something Brandon wants to hear. Steve warns him that Kelly has a thing for him and “usually gets what she wants.” Kelly and Brenda shop for dresses, picking out the same one; each girl says the other can have it.
The night of the dance, Kelly shows up at the Walshes’ in the dress she supposedly didn’t want. Steve’s obviously jealous to see her with Brandon. Cindy’s surprised to see the dress Kelly’s wearing, because it’s the same one Brenda bought. (Kelly wears it better, by the way.) The girls argue over who gets to wear the dress, and Kelly accuses Brenda of being jealous. She’s worried that people will thing they planned to dress identically.
Andrea eats ice cream and watches a horror movie like all the lonely girls do on Saturday nights. Steve and Kelly snipe at each other as the gang arrives at the dance. Brenda and Kelly snipe at each other next. Dylan tells Brenda that it’s her night, then shows her the key to the hotel room he’s gotten for them. Kelly tries to get Brandon to dance, but he tells her to ask Steve. That’s not going to happen, so Brandon gives in. Steve doesn’t want to dance with Donna either.
David ogles Kelly, betting Scott (who? Oh, yeah) $20 that she’ll dance with him before the end of the night. He does this right in front of his date, by the way. Brenda admits to Dylan that she’s nervous about what they’re planning in their hotel room. She’s ready, but she thinks she’ll disappoint him. He promises her that they won’t be judging each other, they’ll be enjoying each other. She should know how important she is to him since he’s been willing to wait to sleep with her. Dylan solidifies this by telling Brenda he loves her.
Kelly tells Brandon that she’s thought he’s cute since she first met him, and he admits the same about her. She wonders what’s been stopping them from getting together. He notes that she’s Steve’s ex, and Steve’s one of his best friends. She’s also one of Brenda’s best friends. Kelly points out that Dylan’s his best friend’s sister. Brandon realizes he’s out of reasons not to get together with her, and they make out. He stops, saying something doesn’t feel right, and thinks it might be that he knows her too well. Brandon says that Kelly’s like a sister to him, which doesn’t go over well.
A tipsy Steve interrupts, telling Brandon that Kelly might pretend to care about him, but she only cares about herself. Steve’s upset that he was told Brandon and Kelly were going to the dance as friends, but they’re definitely not acting like it. He takes off and Brandon follows him, promising that he’s not going after Kelly. He thinks Steve’s just upset because he’s drunk. Steve says he’s not drunk, then reveals why he’s really upset: It’s his birthday.
Steve tells Brandon that a few months ago, his mother got drunk and told him that she was told she could never have children. He’s adopted, and he didn’t know for almost 17 years. Steve says his mom is the only mother he’s ever known; even if she’s not perfect, she loves him. Brandon notes that everything worked out well for him. Steve tries to tell himself that it doesn’t matter who or where his biological parents are, but it’s hard to be happy around his birthday. He’s upset that he confided all this to Kelly and she doesn’t care. David announces that the spring queen is Kelly. The students then compete in a dance competition (the prizes: pizza and the last dance of the night with the spring king and queen).
Brenda and Dylan head upstairs, and she tells him she’s grateful that her first time having sex will be with someone she loves. At home, inspired by the movie she’s watching, Andrea imagines herself taking a chainsaw to everyone at the dance. Then she asks to borrow her mother’s evening gown. Brandon returns to the dance, telling Kelly about his conversation with Steve and encouraging her to talk to him. She doesn’t want to deal with him when he’s been drinking, but Brandon insists that he needs Kelly. He reminds her that it’s Steve’s birthday, which makes her decide to find him.
Steve tells Kelly that he wanted to be friends with her, but she’s too self-centered. She shoots back that he doesn’t have the best character either. He notes that they have a lot in common. Kelly’s mom is an alcoholic and her dad ditched her. All Steve wanted was for her to say one word to let him know she cares. She insists that she does, not sure what else she can do other than apologize. Steve says he’s sorry, too, and regrets what he said to her. Kelly replies that deep down, he’s just a jerk.
Andrea arrives at the dance and quickly finds Brandon. She admits that she feels dumb for coming, but she also doesn’t want to wake up years from now feeling like she missed out on high school. He tells her she looks beautiful. David’s horribly dorky dancing gets him into the finals of the dance competition. As a very happy Dylan and Brenda get dressed in their room, Brian Austin Green puts down some moves that his child will most likely use against him for the rest of his life. Brenda and Kelly make up, and Kelly realizes just where Brenda was up until now.
David wins the dance competition, which is not at all surprising, since he’s the only character in it we know. He gets pizza, a dance with Kelly, and $20 from Scott. Brandon dances with Andrea. David tells Kelly that she smells as good as he expected her to. Andrea asks Brandon if he thinks she’s a geek for coming to the dance by herself. He notes that they never get to slow dance in the newsroom.
Steve cuts in on David and Kelly, wanting to finish his earlier conversation with his ex. They apologize for being jerks to each other all night. Despite everything they’ve been through, he still loves her and thinks she still loves him. Kelly says she might, but not the way Steve means. Then she pulls Donna in to dance with her date. As the gang gathers around, Kelly lets Andrea wear her crown, and everyone asks where Brenda and Dylan disappeared to. They all agree that tonight was one of the strangest of all time.
Thoughts: Darla is played by Sharon Case, the same actress who was in one of Brandon’s imagine movie scenes in “April is the Cruelest Month.” I only remember her name because she’s now on The Young and the Restless.
Donna wears a tomato-red plantation dress. 2011 Tori Spelling would weep.
Kelly gives brandon a corsage made of radishes. So Kelly is Luna Lovegood?
July 10, 2011
SVH Magna Edition, A Night to Remember: Welcome to the Jungle
This cover could use a lot more jungle
Summary: It’s Jungle Prom, b%$@#&^.
The twins (mostly Elizabeth) decide that Sweet Valley needs to have a prom, specifically one with a jungle theme. They’ll team up with an environmental organization and donate the prom’s proceeds to them. The organization later decides to give the prom queen a trip to Brazil and the job of spokesperson for their organization. Elizabeth has recently decided that she needs to a) loosen up and b) stop worrying about Jessica and worry more about herself. She figures going for prom queen is a good place to start. Of course, Jessica also wants to be queen.
The twins put together a prom committee, but Jessica skips most of the meetings and does little to no work. She and Elizabeth learn of each other’s desires to be prom queen, and things get tenser and tenser between them. To make matters worse, Elizabeth is mad that Jessica keeps shirking her responsibilities, and Jessica is mad because she thinks Elizabeth is taking over the committee and will be a shoo-in for queen. Jessica tries to make sure she’s a front-runner, giving herself a cheerleading solo at a pep rally and handing out buttons promoting the prom.
Elizabeth is coming unglued, getting more and more obsessed with the prom and becoming queen, to the point where Todd is, like, “Whoa. Chill.” A magazine wants to do an interview with the twins, and when Jessica doesn’t show up, Elizabeth does the interview on her own. So of course Jessica thinks Liz set things up so she’d be excluded. Elizabeth also gets worked up about a school rivalry with Big Mesa (more on that later), and even though she’s been saying the whole book that the Oracle shouldn’t retaliate against all of Big Mesa’s newspapers’ propaganda against them, she writes a scathing article that again has Todd going, “Whoa. Chill.” Liz also taunts Enid about dating a guy from Big Mesa, so now Enid’s, like, “Whoa. Chill.”
By the time the prom comes around, the twins aren’t speaking to each other. Jessica has realized that Todd will most likely be elected king, and since the king’s election comes before the queen’s (I don’t know why they do them separately; I’ve never heard of that being done before), she’s sure Elizabeth will be everyone’s natural choice for queen. As predicted, Todd wins king, and while he’s doing something with raffle tickets, Elizabeth starts dancing with Sam. This is the last straw for Jessica, who finds out a Big Mesa guy has brought in some alcohol and decides to spike Elizabeth’s drink with it. She doesn’t realize that Elizabeth shares some of it with Sam.
Drunk Elizabeth and drunk Sam have a great time dancing, and Elizabeth decides that she doesn’t care anymore about being prom queen. She withdraws her name, saying Jessica should win. So Jess gets the crown, but she hears that Elizabeth dropped out and can’t feel happy about her victory. A bunch of Big Mesa kids show up and create a riot, during which Sam and Elizabeth go out to the twins’ Jeep. Jessica grabs Todd, tells him Elizabeth’s in trouble, and gets him to go after them. She tells Todd that Liz is drunk but doesn’t mention that she spiked her sister’s drink. They head off to Secca Lake, coming across a bad car accident and realizing it involved the Jeep. The police have already arrived, and someone remarks that there’s no way anyone could have survived the crash.
While all this is going on, Lila’s in counseling because she’s still struggling with the John Pfeifer incident. Her counselor, Nathan, is both a guidance counselor at SVH and a volunteer at Project Youth. At first Lila hates having to meet with him, but some comments from Jessica about his hotness and niceness make Lila develop a crush. At the prom, when the riot begins, Nathan finds Lila and takes her to a classroom to get away from the madness. But she starts to think his motives aren’t genuine and that he’s going to attack her. She starts screaming, and when the cops arrive to break up the riot, she tells them Nathan tried to attack her.
Bruce is at the forefront of the SVH/Big Mesa rivalry, basically getting Club X back together to bust heads. He’s also stringing Andrea Slade along and trying to get over Regina. When the prom riot moves to the football field, Bruce gets smacked with a baseball bat and is this close to being finished off when a girl tells his attacker to leave him alone. Bruce is so out of it that at first he thinks the girl is Regina. She starts to help him up, but he gets knocked out.
To be continued on all counts…
Thoughts: This book is SO MUCH BETTER than any of the previous books in the series. It’s like the ghostwriter woke up one morning and realized, “I’ve been writing crap! I need to at least write some soapy, entertaining crap!”
So there was no prom scheduled for SVH until Elizabeth thought it up? Weird, no?
Trivia: Lila loved The Catcher in the Rye.
Hey, it’s Jeffrey! Hi, Jeffrey! Yeah, don’t get too comfortable. You’re not staying.
“Here’s something that might interest you – I know you’re a big fan of my biceps.” I miss you already, Sam.
The prom committee discusses whether they should allow Big Mesa students to buy tickets, which makes no sense to me. If it’s an SVH dance, it should only be open to SVH students and their dates. The Big Mesa students can have their own prom.
Hey, A.J.’s in this book, too! It’s like a big ol’ reunion.
If the chaperones thought Elizabeth was drunk but knew she would never drink, why wouldn’t they suspect that someone spiked the punch?
Lila, taunting Bruce for not having a prom date: “Did your inflatable doll pop when you pinned on her corsage?” Lila for president!
March 22, 2011
Dawson’s Creek 1.2, Dance: “I Know”
With that hairstyle and that shade of lipstick, I can see why Gail is such a catch
Summary: Dawson’s still working on his movie for the film festival, and now he has more incentive to make it great: Capeside’s film class is submitting a movie starring, written, and directed by Cliff Elliott star of the football team, and losing to them would obviously be a fate worse than death. However, Joey isn’t making things easier, since her character and Pacey’s character are supposed to be dating, but she refuses to kiss him.
Dawson manages to solve that problem while solving another problem, namely that he needs to spend more time with Jen. He kills off Joey’s character and brings in Jen as his leading lady. But when he sees Jen and Pacey really getting into the kiss (well, more Pacey than Jen), he gets jealous and cuts it. This amuses Joey, who’s also jealous of Jen, but because of her blossoming relationship with Dawson. She watches Dawson’s dad Mitch teach him about kissing (Dawson practices on a bust of Joey’s head he made for the movie), wishing he was thinking of her, not Jen.
Cliff asks Jen to a school dance, which Dawson was originally planning to skip, but he decides to enlist Joey as his wingwoman and head over to try to get Cliff out of the picture. The two guys have a loud fight over Jen, which embarrasses her, though not as much as it should embarrass Dawson. On his way home, Dawson runs into Jen and tells her he wants to be with her. She’s interested but afraid of moving too fast. Even though he really wants a kiss, she’ll only give him a dance.
Pacey’s also having relationship issues, in that he doesn’t have any kind of relationship with Tamara. She refuses to talk about their kiss and makes it clear that they can only have a teacher/student relationship. He finds her at the spot where they kissed and she tells him that what happened can never happen again. And then they make out some more.
Joey’s lurking around the Leery household when she overhears Gail having a flirty phone conversation…in the closet. Gail tries to pretend nothing strange happened, but Joey decides to come clean and simply says, “I know.” Later, Joey rails at Gail for doing something that could destroy her family, but Gail is only concerned with whether or not Dawson knows. She tries to be romantic with Mitch, who’s none the wiser, and it’s clear that she feels bad about hurting him, not that that makes her cut off her affair.
Thoughts: I hate it when teenagers on TV shows are studying a book that fits what they’re going through. (Pacey’s class is studying Wuthering Heights, and Tamara gives a monologue about how Heathcliff and Catherine never should have been together.) Degrassi is much more subtle about it.
Scott Foley plays Cliff! He’s a high schooler! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Joey, button your shirt. Mitch doesn’t want to see your bikini top. Well, maybe he does, but you’re 15, so stop it.
Speaking of things Mitch may or may not want to see, Jen tells Joey she has a nice body, then basically gives her a spongebath.
Dawson puts on a vest when he gets ready to go see Jen. Yeah, that’s why you’re single.
Dawson: “Why don’t you just go?” Cliff: “What if I don’t?” Dawson: “I haven’t thought it through that far!” Hee.
There’s a weird moment where Joey says something about “the remote on the rewind of life,” which I’m sure was supposed to be “the rewind on the remote of life,” and the way she laughs makes me think that Katie Holmes realized she botched the line, but they left it in.
