August 16, 2011

Dawson’s Creek 3.3, None of the Above: “We’re All Criminals”

Posted in TV tagged , , , at 9:11 pm by Jenn

Whatever you're thinking of doing, it

Summary: Dawson and Eve are watching Felicity in his room, since she’d rather watch TV than movies. She argues that TV shows are the same as films, just shorter. Dawson complains that Felicity’s a horrible heroine because she’s indecisive and is stuck in her feelings of how relationships should be. Eve says he’s the same way. Dawson says that on TV, everything’s always perfect and people never make mistakes. Eve is still inexplicably hot for him.

Joey has a dream about being late for the PSAT, banging on the door to the classroom, and being ignored by Dawson. As Andie studies her vocabulary words and does sit-ups, Jen and Jack look through flashcards, and Pacey sleeps. At school, the kids all attend a study session with Principal Green. Dawson complains about standardized testing, and Principal Green notes that he’ll have to put up with it if he wants to go to college.

Still studying, Andie runs into Pacey and they shoot barbs at each other about how there’s no way they’re getting back together. He tells her not to get so concerned over a practice test. She tries to remind him that they did a lot of hard work together last year. Principal Green tells Joey that if she does well on the PSAT, she could get a National Merit scholarship. She confides that she’s worried about bombing the test and winding up a maid. He advises her to take the night off and try to relax. Joey asks Dawson for a mindless movie night, but he already has plans with Eve.

Henry gives Jack some pointers at football practice, but the other guys on the team aren’t as welcoming to their new teammate. Rob, Joey’s still-skeezy boss, agrees to give her the night off on Friday so she can study for the PSAT. He tells her he hired a kid to take the test for him and wound up with a scholarship. Rob wants to take Joey out to celebrate after the test, so she tells him she’s a lesbian to try to get him to leave her alone.

Eve comes to Dawson’s window with an apple and they talk about Joey. Eve mentions that she was an Army brat. She’s somehow stolen an advance copy of the PSAT. The next day, Dawson tells the rest of the gang about the stolen test, and Joey immediately guesses that Eve gave it to him. Pacey and Jen are the only ones who want to open it. Joey notes that no one’s required to take the PSAT, and Dawson reminds her of the scholarship opportunities she could get. He notes that each of them could benefit from the stolen test.

A fire alarm interrupts a practice test session, and Dawson has to leave the test behind while everyone leaves the building. When he returns, the test is gone. Jen says that she took it, then hilariously admits she’s joking. Andie accuses Pacey of taking it. No one comes clean and the test remains missing. At work, Joey’s distracted and overfills a boat’s gas tank, losing herself some money and her night off. She thinks Rob’s punishing her because she refused to go out with him.

Jen tends to Jack’s injured ribs and he tells her he’s quitting the team. She tells him he could be destined to become a well-known gay athlete, or he might meet someone else in a similar situation and connect with him. That night, Dawson and Eve sneak into the school to look for the stolen test. Well, he’s looking for it; she’s doing nothing, since she’s sure there’s no hope in finding it. Eve notes that one of Dawson’s friends had to have taken the test, since it was in an unmarked envelope and no one else knew what it is.

Joey dreams about the gang being called to Principal’s Green office about the stolen test, then trying to save them by pulling the fire alarm. Dawson wants to know who took the test, while Joey and Jack say it doesn’t matter. Joey tells Dawson that he’s acting weird because of Eve. She’s frustrated that he’s putting them through a “morality play,” while he was the one who accepted the stolen test to begin with. Dawson says that whoever stole the test needs to return it to his locker.

Andie gives Pacey back a box of the things he gave her. She doesn’t want to drag out their breakup, since she has more important things to focus on, like getting into Harvard. Jack and Henry work out together, with Henry offering his new friend a lot of encouragement. He suggests that Jack come up with a mantra to help him. Jack wonders why Henry’s helping him out, and Henry admits that part of it is because he wants Jack’s help to get with Jen. Jack points out that Henry’s a freshman and has no chance with Jen.

A drunken Pacey visits Joey at work and tells her about Andie’s box o’ returns, which he accidentally drops in the water. He decides he can’t go home drunk and asks Joey to call his dad and make an excuse for him. Dawson goes to the school with Eve, expecting to find the test in his locker. He tells her he believes in happy endings. Eve calls him naïve. He definitely is, since the test isn’t there. Eve implies that she knows who the culprit is, asking Dawson to first tell her who he thinks it is. He says the most obvious answer usually isn’t right, but she disagrees. “Welcome to the real world, Dawson,” she says, “where the first person to stab you in the back is your best friend.”

Dawson finds Pacey at Joey’s work; Pacey calls him Inspector Get-a-Clouseau. He’s offended that Dawson won’t believe his insistence that he didn’t take the test. Dawson says that he didn’t think anyone would be weak enough to actually take it. Pacey calls him self-righteous and Dawson replies that Pacey’s cold-hearted, bringing up his treatment of Andie. They hit each other, but when Joey comes out, Pacey tells her it was his fault.

Later, Pacey tells Joey that he thought Dawson was the one person who respected him. When people tell you enough that you’re a loser, you start to believe it. Joey jokes that she’s called him a loser for years but he never believed her. Pacey asks her to tell Dawson that he’s innocent. Joey admits that she doesn’t want to know what happened to the test, as there are some things in life you don’t need to know.

Eve finds Dawson, who tells him her test started the whole mess with his friends. He accuses her of knowing exactly what kind of trouble she was causing. She tells him she’s fine with him casting her as the villain, but the truth is that “we’re all criminals…. It’s just the stupid ones who get caught.” Dawson starts to leave, and Eve notes that he can’t handle the truth about human nature. He says he was spending time with her to get to know her better, and now that he knows her better, he doesn’t like her very much.

At their next football practice, Jack tells Henry his mantra: “Fug.” It’s the only word he can think of. Somehow, it works. It also inspires Henry to run toward Jen…then run off the field. Just before the PSAT begins, Dawson hands Principal Green his test, says, “It’s a long story” by way of explanation, and walks out. Pacey does the same, shooting Joey a small smile. Outside, he asks Dawson why they just did that. “Because if we’re going to beat the crap out of each other, it should at least be over a chick,” Dawson replies. The other students take the test, with Andie speeding through the first few questions without even needing to open her test booklet.

Thoughts: It would have been more fun if the supposedly stolen test was a fake.

The PSAT is, in some ways, more important than the SAT. If you get a National Merit scholarship (if your score is 1200 or higher, I believe), some schools (like mine) will give you a full ride. I actually had no idea about that until after I got my score.

Dear Rob, have you ever heard the word “jailbait”?

I love drunk Pacey.


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