October 22, 2011

SVH #103, Operation Love Match: Written in the Stars

Posted in books tagged , , , , , , , at 6:13 pm by Jenn

Is Bruce auditioning for a role in "Grease"?

Summary: Mercury’s in retrograde, which means Jessica’s life is a big mess. (No one else’s life is a big mess, though, which makes no sense. Whatever, none of this makes sense.) She’s klutzy, she’s having bad luck all over the place, and all of her attempts to get Bruce’s parents back together are falling apart. Oh, yeah, Jessica and Elizabeth have taken it upon themselves to get the Patmans back together. Jessica is exactly the person I would entrust to fix my parents’ marriage.

Jessica’s currently obsessed with astrology, so she uses a book about it to make her plans. (Just pretend those two things are connected.) She writes a letter from Hank to Marie, but forgets to put a stamp on it, so she tries to fish it out of the mailbox. Instead, she gets stuck, then busted by the police for mail tampering. Cute new senior Michael Hampton sees all of this, so Jessica tells him she’s Elizabeth. She continues to do this every time she does something dorky or clumsy in front of him, like getting stuck in her locker.

The next wacky plan the twins and Bruce come up with is putting super glue in the Patmans’ lawyers’ car ignitions so they can’t go to a meeting to discuss the divorce. Then they plan to go to the lawyers’ office and put the Patmans’ wedding album out for them to see, hoping they’ll reminisce together and remember how much they love each other. But Jessica gets stuck in an elevator and can’t get the album upstairs. The Patmans arrive and start reminiscing anyway, and are very close to getting back together when Marie sees one of Alice’s scarves in Hank’s coat pocket. (He took Bruce’s coat accidentally, and the scarf was one Jessica borrowed.)

During this craziness, Jessica flirts with Michael and tries to talk herself up to him. He’s actually attracted to Elizabeth, or Jessica-pretending-to-be-Elizabeth, since he finds her clumsiness endearing. He sends Liz flowers, she figures out what’s going on, and she agrees to meet him for a date. But she wants to get Michael’s attention on Jessica, so she acts completely calm and put-together to make Michael realize he’s fallen for the wrong twin. It works, and Michael figures out that Jessica was pretending to be Elizabeth.

Back to the love games. Jessica and Bruce buy a bunch of goldenrods for Marie, but it turns out she’s allergic and she winds up in the hospital. Out of ideas, Jessica decides to have Elizabeth tape a conversation with Alice in which Alice states straight out that she and Hank are done, so Marie will stop thinking they’re having an affair. Except the wrong tape gets delivered. Finally, the meddling teens decide to go all out and have an intervention: They’ll display mementos from the Patmans’ marriage and show then footage from their honeymoon to hit them over the head with what they’re throwing away.

The day the plan is supposed to go into action, the twins get locked in their bathroom (don’t ask) and Bruce has car trouble that keeps him from getting to the house on time. The Patmans work things out on their own, so the plan basically worked, just in a different way than Bruce and the twins planned. In the end, almost everyone is happy: The Patmans are back together, as are Bruce and Pamela. Jessica and Michael, however, don’t work out, since he’s too awkward for her. Eh, two out of three ain’t bad.

Thoughts: Lila wants to throw a masquerade ball? She just had a big party! Where people almost died! What is up with this girl?

Ned: “As a family, we’ve never believed in meddling in other people’s private affairs.” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Ned, you so crazy.

Elizabeth got a laptop! That’s pretty impressive for 1994.

Elizabeth’s bedroom is beige and cream. Well, that’s certainly conducive to sleep; it has me yawning just reading about it.

I’m 99 percent sure you can’t hire lawyers from the same firm to represent opposing sides in a case. Why would a husband and wife be willing to go against in each other in court anyway?

Bruce would never create, let alone participate in, a secret handshake with the twins.

Michael’s poem to Elizabeth is ridiculous:

I never dreamed or hoped I’d see,
A girl like you who trips like me.
You’re beautiful and clumsy, too,
You’re just my secret dream come true.
I’ll see your face where e’er I roam,
Won’t you please let me drive you home?

Todd actually nibbles on Elizabeth’s ear. Todd, you disgust me.

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