December 17, 2011

SVH #108, Left at the Altar!: Lovesick

Posted in books tagged , , , , , at 12:49 pm by Jenn

Ugly bridesmaid dresses? Check

Summary: Jessica and Jeremy are still making out at Jeremy and Sue’s engagement party. Elizabeth catches them and morphs into super-moral Liz, lecturing Jessica about the whole thing. Her self-help books tell her that Jessica is addicted to love, and it’s an illness that can be treated. Speaking of illnesses, Sue finds out that she has a rare, incurable blood disorder (find me a book or movie where someone has a common, curable blood disorder, please), and she only has a couple of years to live. Jeremy decides he’s going to stick it out and marry her so he doesn’t break her heart before she kicks. Jessica’s devastated.

But a down Jessica is not an out Jessica. She continues trying to get Jeremy alone so they can make out and such. Jeremy keeps protesting, but he’s not exactly doing anything to stop her. Jessica continually invites herself along on Sue and Jeremy’s dates or shows up unexpectedly, and Elizabeth, her self-appointed guardian, keeps going with her. Sue doesn’t seem to think anything’s up. The twins, Lila, and Enid crash Jeremy’s bachelor party and Jess takes the opportunity to make out with him there, and finally Liz decides she’s done babysitting.

Finally, Jeremy and Sue’s wedding day comes. Instead of spending the hours before the ceremony getting ready, Sue goes shopping – and spends a ton of money. Jessica’s suspicious about how she can afford everything, considering she and Jeremy are still young and don’t exactly have high-paying jobs. But it’s the least of her worries, as, you know, the guy she’s in luuuuuuuuuv with is about to marry someone else.

At the ceremony, Jessica does that typical book/movie/TV thing where she actually responds when the minister asks if anyone has any objections. She announces that Jeremy can’t marry Sue because he’s in love with her. The minister calls off the wedding and Sue actually passes out. So now Jessica’s free to be with Jeremy, I guess, but everyone hates her for destroying a dying woman’s wedding.

The B-plots are dumb. Todd comes back from his summer vacation at his grandmother’s house and confesses to Elizabeth that he sorta, kinda hooked up with another girl. (Of course, it’s Todd, so they probably held hands and he kissed her on the cheek a couple times.) Elizabeth was considering telling him about Luke, who, remember, she basically did hook up with, but for some reason she gets all offended and basically breaks up with Todd. She spends the rest of the book trying to avoid him, but Steven tells her that Todd is really, really sorry, so suddenly everything’s okay.

Lila’s back with Jeremy’s friend Robby, who you’ll recall is poor. She wonders if he only likes her for her money, so she spins this incredible yarn about being an orphan whose parents worked for the Fowlers, who took her in after they died. The story involves a girl named Venice. Just saying. Lila plays poor little rich girl (badly) until she realizes Robby may actually like poor Lila more than rich Lila. She comes clean and he tells her he doesn’t care about her wealth, or lack thereof. I’m thinking he might change his mind when he realizes exactly how rich the Fowlers are.

Thoughts: I can’t get over how awful Jeremy looks on the cover. And this is supposed to be a guy two girls are madly in love with. He looks like a 16-year-old wannabe thug who hangs out in front of the 7-Eleven, smoking pot and bullying nerds. He looks like the guy who mops the floor at your local pizza place. He looks like the guy you don’t want to go upstairs with at a high school party. Jeremy is so skeezy that the girls who wind up on 16 and Pregnant are like, “Whoa, dude, put on a condom.” Even Chelsea, you guys. Even Chelsea.

Also, THAT HAIR.

Olivia calls Jeremy “the stud of all studs.” I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Bruce would never participate in a singalong, let alone help lead one. Get it together, ghostwriter.

That no one has beaten Elizabeth with one of her self-help books is a miracle.

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