April 7, 2013

BH90210 5.20, You Gotta Have Heart: Cult-ure Club

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 12:57 pm by Jenn

"Have you heard the good news about Lord Xenu?"

“Have you heard the good news about Lord Xenu?”

Summary: Ray has had another successful set at the After Dark, so he and Donna celebrate by making out at his place. He invites her to spend the night, and they end up in bed, just about to trade in Donna’s V card. She puts the brakes on at the last minute. Brandon tries to contact Kelly at the mansion that’s now serving as Finley’s headquarters, but she doesn’t want to talk to him. Finley uses cult buzzwords to make her take Brandon’s call, where she herself uses cult buzzwords. Kelly’s flaking out on a sorority event she organized, and Brandon’s mad.

The event is a Valentine’s-themed telethon for a pediatric heart fund. Brandon and Donna kick things off with a lot of making out, for some reason. (Donna’s subbing for Kelly.) Meanwhile, Valerie’s moving out of the Walshes’ house and into a luxury hotel called the Bellamy so she can enjoy everything her newfound wealth can bring. Cindy’s upset and wants Jim to talk to her, but Jim thinks it’s pointless. He also thinks she’ll be back in two weeks, having spent everything.

Steve tells David, Clare, and Donna (who are running and airing the telethon) that he booked the band Jade for them. Brandon talks to Nat about Finley, and Nat becomes the first person to call him a cult leader. One of his former waitresses had a sister who died in Jonesboro. Brandon doesn’t think Kelly’s in that much danger, but Nat tells him that’s what his waitress said.

LuAnn’s back from her cruise and very grateful to Donna for financing the trip. Ray confides that he’s having trouble keeping it in his pants while dating a virgin. LuAnn warns him not to screw up the relationship. “Whatever you do, just be discreet,” she advises. Dylan visits Valerie in her new home, having been contacted by a panicking Cindy. He thinks Val will get lonely (and he would know, since he used to live in a hotel). He regrets getting her involved with Jonesy.

Brandon goes to the Finley compound, and Finley tells Kelly to talk to him since right now she’s acting like a tease. She needs to deal with Brandon so she can “start the next phase of [her] life.” Kelly tells Brandon that he won’t understand what she’s doing if he’s not ready to evolve. Finley has helped her realize that she’s a different person than she thought she was. Kelly starts to give a break-up speech, but Brandon doesn’t want her to go through with it. He tries to get her to admit that she still loves him. She says she can’t deny it.

Andrea and Jesse go to the movies, bickering about…whatever. They run into Peter and his wife, Adrienne, and things get super-awkward super-fast, especially when Adrienne suggests that they all sit together. Valerie stops by the telethon, mostly to see Ray. She ducks into his truck and pulls out the cigarette lighter. Brandon’s managed to get Kelly to come in and help answer phones. Valerie sees Dylan watching Kelly and taunts him. Donna asks Brandon how he got Kelly to come; he jokes that he threatened to dance on TV.

David brings out the cute kids to collect donations, and Dylan gives $100. Valerie offers $300, asking for Ray to perform. He sings that song he always sings. After the movie, Andrea, Jesse, Peter, and Adrienne hang out, so there’s more awkwardness. Andrea fantasizes about dancing with Peter a la Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Ray tries to leave after his set, but his battery’s dead. Valerie follows him outside, offering to give him a “charge,” and not the kind that requires jumper cables.

The next morning, Kelly lies awake in Brandon’s bed, looking…culty. David and Clare are trying to stay awake for the rest of the telethon. Steve wants David to mention Jade again. Donna’s in a good mood, having gotten to sleep the night before, but when she tries to call Ray, LuAnn lies that he just left. He’s really at the Bellamy, having spent the night with Valerie. She doesn’t want him to feel guilty for cheating, and she makes it clear that she doesn’t want a relationship.

Kelly ditches Brandon at the apartment, and Clare is naïve enough to think she just went to get them breakfast. Steve goes to pick up Jade, but learns that the guy he thought he arranged their performance with isn’t their manager, he’s their laundry guy. He ends up chasing their limo, which turns out not to be their limo.

Brandon goes back to the compound and interrupts one of Finley’s “tutorials.” He threatens to call the police if Finley doesn’t tell him where Kelly is. Finley uses him as an example of an “unevolved rough beast.” Kelly arrives and Finley tells her to tell Brandon what she needs. She says Brandon’s holding her back and she can’t let him do so any longer. Brandon leaves while the cult minions applaud Kelly’s evolutionary step.

Ray comes to the telethon to see Donna and accidentally make Andrea jealous that they have a good relationship (supposedly). Peter calls, having seen Andrea on TV, and reveals that he had the same fantasy Andrea did. Steve shows up to break the news to Clare that he didn’t get Jade after all, but the group is already there. Everyone dances dorkily to their performance.

Ray gives Donna a necklace, pretending he was out getting it when she called. She wonders how he went to the jewelry store since his truck was at the After Dark. In fact, how did he get home last night? Valerie walks by and says they look cute together. Brandon tells Nat that he’s probably right about Finley being a cult leader – it seems like Kelly’s being brainwashed. Nat wonders who they can find to get through to her.

Jade hangs out with Steve while Donna spots Valerie and Ray talking. Brandon goes to Dylan’s house to ask him to talk to Kelly. Dylan doesn’t think Finley’s a threat; he says Brandon’s just upset because Kelly dumped him. Brandon thinks Kelly gave Finley her settlement from the fire. He asks Dylan again to talk to her, and this time Dylan agrees, making it clear it’s not for Brandon. Over at the compound, Finley leads his minions in a toast to Kelly for ending her relationship with an outsider. Kelly says it’s nice to be home.

Thoughts: How did Finley afford his compound? Even if each minion gave some money, there’s just no way. Even Val and Dylan couldn’t afford that place.

I guess my knowledge of ’90s music isn’t as extensive as I thought, sinve I’ve never heard of Jade.

Whoever wrote the script for the telethon shouldn’t quit his day job. Unless his day job is writing.

Ray: “This is dedicated to everyone with a heart.” So…everyone?

I’m 99% sure one of the men in the limo Steve chases is Aaron Spelling.

Remember when David had storylines? Me neither.

I’d question why Dylan wears a suit for the whole episode, but I guess I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.


  1. Allie said,

    Jade was an awesome girl group, not a band. They never had huge mainstream success but were big on the R&B charts. Their biggest hit was “Don’t Want Away” from ’94-ish.

  2. Deja said,

    taken men were like catnip to Val

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