SVU #30, Beauty and the Beach: Shorely We’re Not Doing All This Again?

January 20, 2015

SVU #30, Beauty and the Beach: Shorely We’re Not Doing All This Again?

The lameness is overwhelming

Summary: Jessica, Elizabeth, Nina, and Winston are back to the Sweet Valley Shore for another summer. The girls are going to be lifeguards again, and Winston is going to stay with old pal Wendy and look for a dignity-sapping food-service job. The twins have lost touch with their previous summer loves, Ryan and Ben, and aren’t sure what their relationships will be like this time around. Nina is still dating Bryan, but is currently mad at all men who have ever existed because she thinks Bryan’s cheating on her.

Elizabeth quickly reunites with Ryan, but he’s acting a little distant. This doesn’t keep her from making out with him all the time, though. Why let something like talking get in the way of kissing? They go to dinner at Ryan’s AA sponsor’s house, and Liz learns that said sponsor, Patti, has fallen off the wagon in a big way. She’s upset that Ryan didn’t tell her. Ryan explains that he thought Patti would behave herself at dinner. He’s also wondering if she’s not right that alcoholics can have a few drinks in moderation without really harming their sobriety.

Ryan’s cranky a lot, yelling at Elizabeth for not doing her job correctly and being mean to beachgoers. When the anniversary of Ryan’s sobriety comes around, Elizabeth wants to go to dinner to celebrate. There’s this big deal made about how Elizabeth spends too long getting her hair done, and then the Jeep breaks down, and she can’t call the restaurant because she can’t get to a working phone, and she’s freaking out the whole time because she thinks Ryan will believe she doesn’t care about him. Apparently this is true, because Ryan thinks he’s been stood up, and he consoles himself with whiskey.

Ben is, indeed, back for another summer at the shore, and Jessica thinks they’ll go right back to their summer fling. She’s wrong, as she usually is. Ben is dating a girl named Priya, who is a horrible, snobby brat even Lila would call over-the-top. Priya thinks Jessica is dumb (which…okay, point Priya) and mocks her for not having read Dostoyevsky. Jessica goes out and gets Crime and Punishment, but she struggles to get through it. Priya calls her out for not remembering all the details, but Jessica gets her back later for not remembering all the details of Dangerous Liaisons.

Back on the beach, Jessica spots some people in trouble and starts to go save them. Priya trips her and rushes out to make the save in her place. So mature, that Priya. Jessica accuses her, but Ryan thinks she just screwed up and is embarrassed. The whole thing is dumb, and I hope Ben is worth all this madness.

Man-hating Nina goes for a float in an inner tube and ends up on a private beach. She seems to have heat stroke, and a guy named Stu tends to her. He’s a hippie surfer, with all the stereotypes that come with that – you know, New Agey, save-the-dolphins, surfer lingo stuff. He’s very sweet to Nina, calling her “mermaid” and making sure she’s okay. Nina is a jerk to him, because that’s who she is in this book.

Stu shows up at the beach while Nina’s on duty, and she tries to ignore him because she thinks he’ll just ditch her for another girl. But when another girl flirts with him, he tells her he already has someone in mind to be with. Nina soon realizes that not all guys are jerks, and that Stu is her ideal man. She goes to see him on his private beach, which is actually an island, because he made a ton of money designing some super-popular surfboard. She realizes that her bike tires are flat, and Stu tells her they’ll fix them in the morning. Nina has no instincts and doesn’t think there’s anything fishy about this.

Winston is hired at an ice cream place that may or may not be a front for the mob. He has a hard time dealing with all the little kids around, which is weird, because I always thought Winston was good with kids. At one point he asks himself WWJD, but the J is for Jessica. I would think Jessica would take a job that didn’t involve annoying children, but that’s just me.

After a bunch of kids complain about their ice cream, Winston takes off in his truck, then gets pulled over for driving recklessly. The police officer discovers that he doesn’t have a commercial license, which he told his boss he had, so he shouldn’t be driving an ice cream truck in the first place. Winston ends up getting arrested, and calls Wendy to bail him out. She reveals that things aren’t working out with Pedro, who’s now her husband, and she’s filing for divorce. What a happy summer everyone’s having!

Thoughts: I hate when they do these mini-series and ignore the regular series. Todd and Nick don’t seem to exist in this universe.

Nina is unbelievably annoying in this book. I told her to shut up many times while I was reading.

“My perfect guy wouldn’t dream of being an activist.” Check. Only selfish jerks for Nina.

Priya, re: Dostoyevsky: “Surely you’ve heard of his classics – Notes from the Underground, The Devils?” Those are the two you’re going with? Not Crime and Punishment or The Brothers Karamazov? No one’s heard of The Devils. You shut up, too, Priya.

Priya again: “I’ve read Les Liaisons Dangereuses in the original French, so don’t you dare tell me I’m wrong.” Jessica, channeling Cher Horowitz: “Well, I’ve seen Dangerous Liaisons starring the original Keanu Reeves.” Heh. Point Jessica.

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