May 17, 2015
BH90210 9.11, How to Be the Jerk Women Love: My Grandmother’s Dead. Wanna Make Out?
Summary: Why do we always start out at the After Dark? Dylan and Gina are there, making out. He loans her his jacket and she finds heroin in one of the pockets. It’s an instant turnoff. David complains on the air that there are only couples there, and asks for advice finding a girlfriend. Donna and Janet talk about how guys are losers; they share the worst pickup lines they’ve ever heard. Noah tells them they don’t understand how hard it is to pick up a woman. Steve says he’s mastered the “art” and can teach it to others. Janet suggests he title it the name of this episode.
Things are going well for Matt and Kelly, but she hesitates when he tries to take things to the bedroom for the first time. It doesn’t help that they’re at the Walshes’ house. Gina turns up at David and Dylan’s the next day, though it looks like all she wants to do is pout. Dylan makes a show of flushing his drugs, saying that Gina finding them was the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Donna thinks Kelly was perfectly justified in putting Matt off, despite Kelly’s worries that he’s mad at her now. Gina gets in a dig by making it seem like she spent the night with Dylan.
Donna addresses the things Gina said at her birthday party, and Gina claims she didn’t mean any of them. She announces that she’s gotten a job as a personal trainer. Her first client? Felice. Steve has actually started a class on picking up women, and he’s using Janet’s title, How to Be the Jerk Women Love. He asks David to video the classes so he can more easily spread his knowledge to the masses. Janet notes that he’ll be able to make more money that way, too. She thinks Steve is sacrificing his dignity, as if he ever had any of that.
Felice wishes Donna were as ambitious as Gina, who at least tried to get to the Olympics. She doesn’t think Donna has the attention span to stick with the store for long. Felice invites Gina to a luncheon with her (JFK, Jr. will be there!), thinking that Donna wouldn’t want to go. Kelly goes to see Matt, who’s taking cooking lessons from a woman named Marissa. Kelly gets jealous, because she’s a woman and we women always get jealous whenever someone else of our gender is around.
Donna, Gina, and Noah look at paintings at a museum opening while Dylan uses the bathroom. Gee, I wonder what he’s doing? Gina casually mentions that she’s going to the luncheon with Felice. Of course Dylan’s using in the bathroom, and he yells at a kid who wants to come in, because drug users are always mean and make kids sad. He tells Gina to pick out a painting and he’ll buy it for her. Noah can immediately tell that Dylan’s high, but Gina seems clueless. Gina sees that the painting she likes is from the Marchette collection…as in Anthony Marchette.
The next morning, Gina wakes up with a drug-sick Dylan, who insists that everything’s under control. He also doesn’t want to talk about Marchette. Gina asks if Dylan’s using needles, and even though he says he’s not, she decides they’re through. Kelly sees Marissa heading up to Matt’s office and laments to Donna that she’s to blame, since she didn’t sleep with Matt. David asks Kelly to come on his radio show to talk about relationships. Kelly and Donna learn of Steve’s seminar and crack up, which is the only appropriate response. They decide to sneak in.
Dylan goes to the cemetery and has flashbacks that recap the whole Toni/Anthony thing. But when he arrives at Toni’s grave, someone else is now buried there. He learns that she’s been disinterred, but her new location isn’t available. Dylan handles the news calmly and maturely ha ha ha ha ha no, he doesn’t. Gina decides to give up her spot at the luncheon, telling Donna that she thought Felice had already invited her and Donna had turned down the offer. Gina says that whenever Felice says bad things about her daughter, Gina defends her. Donna doesn’t like this.
Kelly and Donna hide out in the control room while Steve leads his seminar at the After Dark. He shows footage of a discussion he had with Noah and Matt, in which Matt says he prefers romance over cheesy pickup lines. Donna notes that he recently made Kelly a home-cooked meal, which makes Kelly think he was just using his typical technique on her. Dylan goes to the beach apartment to angst over Toni to Gina, whose awkward shoulder pat shows that she has no idea how to show empathy.
Kelly storms up to Matt’s office to complain about how women keep going up to his floor. He’s like, “I’m…a lawyer? With clients? And also, there’s a salon next door? Maybe they’re going there? Would you like to get your nails done, too?” Kelly then complains that Matt likes to cook dinner for women, so when he did it for her, it must have just been part of his game. He tells her he was trying to flirt. Back at the seminar, Steve plays footage of a fake pickup between him and Janet; he uses a sob story about his late grandmother to get sympathy.
At the beach apartment, Donna teases Noah by using his pickup lines from the video. Gina and Felice return from a shopping trip; Felice seems to enjoy being able to dress up her new fake daughter. Gina tries to smooth things between mother and daughter by giving up her spot at the luncheon, but Donna says she won’t go no matter what. Felice is like, “Well, you ruined today.” Mother of the year, that one.
Steve takes his class to the After Dark so they can practice using all the lines he’s taught them. Meanwhile, David and Kelly take calls from people who want relationship advice. A girl wants to know whether she should sleep with her boyfriend; she’s afraid he’ll dump her if she doesn’t. Kelly and David tell her to go at her own pace. The guys from the class all fail at picking up women, which is no surprise since they needed a class to learn how in the first place. Steve tells Janet it’s not his fault.
Kelly continues to tell callers that they need to take relationships slowly. Steve goes in to yell at her for putting that idea in people’s heads. Kelly goes out to dance with Matt, who tells her he’s fine with taking things slowly. However, if she changes her mind, he has a nice date planned for them. Kelly’s like, “I never intended to take my own advice! Slow is bad! Sex is good!” Dylan goes to buy a gun from a guy who’s chewing a toothpick, so you know he’s trustworthy. Meanwhile, Matt and Kelly take things the opposite of slowly, heading to his bedroom.
Steve and David find Dylan’s gun and rush to confront him for bringing it into the house. They’re concerned with his behavior, as they should be. Kelly tells Matt that she does want to take things slowly after all because she really likes him and doesn’t want to screw anything up. Donna tells Gina that Felice’s recent behavior is typical of her; Gina should be lucky that she wound up with a better mother. Gina reveals that she’s had to give half of her paychecks to her mom for years. Donna appreciates Gina standing up for her. As soon as she’s alone, Gina calls Felice to say that Donna’s behavior the previous day was unacceptable.
David tries to use one of Steve’s lines on a woman, but it doesn’t work. He and Steve can’t remember what it’s like to be in a normal relationship. Steve encourages David to try his dead-grandmother story on a woman, but David tries to have a regular conversation with her first. When it goes poorly, David tries out the story. The guys from the class confront Steve for not teaching them anything that worked, not realizing that at least one method has been successful.
Kelly and Matt plan to hang out, but first, the bedroom. Yeah, they’re really going slowly here. Gina tries to talk to Dylan, who says he needs to go see someone. She’s sick of him being mysterious and tells him they’ll have to stop spending time together if he keeps it up. Dylan tells her he wants to see Marchette and find out where Toni’s body is. Obviously, that’s what the gun is for. Ruh-roh!
Thoughts: Kelly and Donna giggling over Steve’s horrible pickup lines cracked me up, too.
How much did Steve have to pay Janet to participate in a seminar video? Does he have some kind of dirt on her? Janet, are you being blackmailed? Do you need help? Blink twice if you need to be rescued.
Donna, the pigtails on their own are okay. The shirt with the duckling on it is cute. But together, they make you look six. Maybe go shopping with Felice.