June 13, 2015
BH90210 9.15, Beheading St. Valentine: Second Place Is the First Loser
Summary: Dylan surprises Gina at the house of a client (she’s a personal trainer), pretending he needs her because his drug cravings are really bad. He really just wants to have sex. At the Beverly Beat, Steve and David are “interviewing” models so they can publish photos of hot women in the paper. Janet hates the idea before she even finds out what it is.
Gina makes Dylan go for a run so he can fight his cravings in a way that doesn’t involve stripping in a stranger’s house. She takes him to her elementary school and complains about a girl who beat her in a skating competition. She hates coming in second. Noah’s planning an early Valentine’s Day date with Donna at the Bel Age, since he has to work on the actual holiday.
David asks Donna to go to his station manager’s Valentine’s party as his date; since he gives relationship advice, he needs to pretend he’s in an actual relationship. Donna objects, even though Noah did this exact thing with a woman and she was fine with it. Steve tans in the office, for some reason, and while Janet’s putting sunscreen on him, she notices a mole on his back that looks like Al Gore. She suggests that he see a doctor.
Donna finds the photos Gina and Noah took in the photo booth and confronts them over their closeness. Noah uses the drunk defense, like that makes it okay. At the boutique, Matt ambushes Kelly to tell her that Lauren has schizophrenia and has only recently been able to function. He never expected her to be that way again. He loves both women, and he doesn’t know what to do.
Lauren cooks breakfast for Matt while talking about how great it would be for a bunch of female singers to go on tour together. Matt gives her the good news about the Lilith Fair. Lauren forgets to actually toast the French toast, so she’s not completely recovered. She tells Matt that she lost her wedding ring, but he tells her it was taken from her when she was hospitalized, in case she used the diamond to hurt herself.
Steve sees a dermatologist who basically tells him he’s an idiot for not being more careful with sunscreen. Thanks, Doc! Noah accuses Gina of being happy that Donna’s upset about their pictures. Gina pretends she’s glad that the truth is out, and now she doesn’t have to keep Noah’s secret anymore. You know, that they slept together. (Which didn’t happen, but Noah doesn’t know that because he drank so much that he blacked out.)
Gina tries to spend time with Dylan, but he wants to take a night off so he can sleep. She starts to take off her shirt, asking him to beg her to spend the night with him. They’re in the After Dark parking lot in broad daylight, by the way. Nat, who does not get paid enough to have to deal with these insane people, narrowly misses catching Gina taking her bra off.
Kelly cleans her things out of Matt’s room at the Walshes’ house, asking him to tell her what he wants. He says he wants Lauren to be okay, but he also wants to be with Kelly. Noah brings flowers to the boutique to try to make up with Donna. She tells him she’s going to David’s party whether he likes it or not.
Steve’s potential health crisis has made him realize that he hasn’t done anything with his life. He’s worried that he’s ruined his chances with Janet. Kelly tells Dylan about the Matt situation, and how he said he loved her, but also said he loves Lauren. Dylan can sympathize with Matt for having to move on after losing his wife. Kelly wants Matt back. The next day, Kelly gets Matt’s Valentine’s Day gift, a keychain for the key he was going to give her.
Janet spends the night with Steve, who wants to do something important in case he doesn’t have another chance. She urges him to do something that will last a long time. David and Donna go to the party with the intention of pretending that they met at a poetry meeting and have only been dating for a few months. The station manager’s wife says they seem like they’ve known each other for years. They kiss for a picture, and clearly there are still some feelings there.
Kelly asks Matt to make a decision between her and Lauren already. He can’t. Steve hands out umbrellas as part of his promotion for the Beverly Beat‘s new bathing-suit-photo feature. He instructs everyone to strip and check each other for skin cancer. Janet’s like, “Good job? I guess?” After the party, David and Donna head to the After Dark, where they kiss in his car. They quickly decide they need to be around other people.
Inside, the trio Wild Orchid performs. Donna apologizes to Noah for thinking he’d done something with Gina (which, of course, he thinks he did). Steve’s doctor has the results of his biopsy, but Steve wants to wait until the next day to call him, so he can have what might be his last night of fun. He reminds Janet that she urged him to make something lasting, so how about a baby? “Not right now,” she foreshadows.
Gina and Dylan go out for a nice dinner, but he’d rather have sex than a nice conversation. He gets them kicked out with a loud performance of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” Lauren drops by the boutique to ask Kelly to let her have Matt. She’s lost three years of her life, and she has to rely on Kelly to get everything back. Neither woman finds the situation very fair.
Steve gets his results, which are negative. Janet wants to reward him with sex, but he’d rather hang out with the models from the Beverly Beat. Dylan tries to make out with Gina in a park, but a passerby thinks he’s assaulting her. Gina complains that Dylan only treats her as a sex object. If she doesn’t always do what he wants, she comes in second. She just wants to know that he cares about her.
Noah gets Wild Orchid to stay late at the club to play a special set for Donna. They dance, though Donna doesn’t like flaunting their relationship in front of David. Noah wonders why she changed her mind about the photos so easily. Donna, of course, doesn’t tell him that she can relate to being in a situation where you kiss someone you’re not with.
Later that night, at the beach apartment, Gina and Noah taunt each other, and she continues to claim that they almost hooked up. Meanwhile, David mopes alone at the After Dark, broadcasting his thoughts about Valentine’s Day on the radio. The holiday is nice for declaring your love, but for single people, it’s a reminder of what you don’t have. At the Walshes’, Kelly tells Matt that she’s taking herself out of the competition. Lauren wins, and Kelly comes in a distant second.
Thoughts: Wild Orchid contains two people from one of my favorite childhood shows, Kids Incorporated. Oh, and one of them is Fergie.
’90s music alert: Lit’s “My Own Worst Enemy.”
Janet needs a Steve-tervention. She deserves better.
Call me crazy, but maybe Gina would stop feeling like Dylan only sees her as a sex object if she did anything other than just have sex with him? Like, don’t take off your shirt in a parking lot and invite him to bed if you want to do something else?