July 18, 2015
BH90210 9.20, Fortune Cookie: Not That Guy
Summary: Matt is meeting with David and Claudia to caution them not to go through with their spur-of-the-moment plan to get married so she can stay in the country. He lists everything they would need to “prove” they have a real relationship, and the possible penalties if they get caught. Also, it could take up to two years for Claudia to get her green card.
At the After Dark, Noah and Gina discuss a raffle they’re holding; the prize is dinner with some singer named Cole Younger. Noah tells Gina that Dylan’s going to rig the drawing so she wins. Instead, Dylan gives the prize to Kelly. Gina cries foul, complaining that this means Dylan likes Kelly more. Kelly thinks she should relax.
The next day, Kelly helps Matt film a commercial for his law firm, though he feels like he’s hustling. He confides that he’s feeling out of place with his job. Kelly thinks he’s upset about Dylan rigging the raffle, so she assures him that it means nothing. Steve hired a psychic at the Beverly Beat, wanting to publish some sort of crazy prediction, but she hasn’t panned out. As he fires her, she predicts that, by the end of the week, Steve will have trouble performing and will dress in pink.
David goes to the Walshes’ house to announce to Donna and Noah that he and Claudia are getting married. Noah’s on board with a green-card marriage, but Donna says it’s crazy. David asks her to provide a dress. Noah asks David if he loves Claudia. David says he does, looking at Donna when he says it, just for the record.
Dylan goes to the beach apartment, supposedly looking for Gina, and Kelly tells him the rigged raffle is causing problems. Dylan just wanted to give her the chance to spend time with a singer she’s always talked about liking. Gina sees them hugging and puts on her mad face.
Donna and Noah go to West Beverly High to help out with costumes for a school play. Donna’s dreading working with Ashley, who was her “big sister” when Donna was a freshman and Ashley was a senior. (Weren’t they called senior buddies?) Donna thinks Ashley doesn’t like her because she acted territorial when Donna joined the drama club. Ashley doesn’t seem to have changed.
Donna shows her design sketches to the director, Mr. Bigelow, then settles in with Noah to watch a rehearsal (they’re doing Romeo and Juliet. Donna wishes there were more inspirational teachers at the school. A tipsy Ashley starts reciting Shakespeare, then accuses Mr. Bigelow of molesting her and convincing her to keep quiet.
The psychic’s first prediction has come true, as Steve was unable to perform with Janet the night before. The second prediction comes true moments later, when Janet sees that he accidentally dyed his boxer shorts pink.
David sets up a photo studio where he and Claudia can take pictures to pretend they’ve gone on various trips together. While they’re trying to remember details of their fake honeymoon, she puts on her wedding dress and he puts on a ski parka. By the way, their first fight was over Donna’s disapproval of Claudia, and they made up when David bought her earrings.
Gina gets to the After Dark before Kelly and snags her limo to meet Cole. Dylan doesn’t realize the ruse until Gina’s already with Cole, pretending to be Kelly. Ashley visits Donna at the boutique, swearing that Mr. Bigelow really did molest her. She didn’t go to the police when she was in high school because she thought she was to blame. Now she knows it’s not, and she wants justice. She asks Donna to back her up. Donna, however, only has good memories of Mr. Bigelow.
Janet wants to skip Cole’s concert at the After Dark, hoping to help Steve overcome his performance issues. She tells him that sex isn’t the only thing that matters. Steve disagrees. With sex on the brain, Janet accidentally orders a penis colada from their waitress. “And make it a stiff one,” she adds.
Donna meets with Mr. Bigelow, who wonders why she dropped out of the drama club. He swears that Ashley’s claims are false, and he could sue her for defamation. Donna wonders why Ashley would make accusations that aren’t true. Mr. Bigelow says she was always obsessed with him, and he tried to keep his distance, but she must have taken it as rejection. Ashley’s accusations are enough to get a school board hearing, and Mr. Bigelow asks Donna to sign a petition supporting him.
Cole dedicates his first song to “Kelly,” AKA Gina, though he has to read her name off of his hand, so it probably doesn’t mean too much. Kelly realizes what happened and confronts her imposter. Gina offers to introduce her to Cole as Gina’s “homely cousin.” The next morning, Dylan goes to collect Gina from Cole’s hotel room, revealing that she’s not really Kelly. Gina refuses to leave. Dylan knocks Cole out with the door when he tries to get Dylan to leave, so many Dylan has some issues to work out.
Ashley goes back to the boutique, having learned that Donna signed the pro-Mr. Bigelow petition. She tries to remind Donna of when they worked on a production of Our Town and Mr. Bigelow kept trying to spend time alone with Donna. Ashley started a fight with Donna, accusing her of stealing Ashley’s boyfriend, in an attempt to get Donna away from Ashley and, in turn, Mr. Bigelow.
Ashley pulls out a keychain, reminding Donna that Mr. Bigelow was going to give it to her. The key on it is to Mr. Bigelow’s apartment. Donna can’t believe that Ashley stepped in to save her from a molester. Ashley asks Donna to return the favor by stepping up for her now.
Steve goes to a doctor who tells him not to worry about his performance problems. He prescribes jazz to ease his performance anxiety. Steve would prefer something medicinal, like Viagra. The doctor writes him a prescription for something else. Kelly helps Matt improve his commercial, but Matt doesn’t like the way he’s portrayed. He thinks Kelly’s trying to make him look like a rock star. If Kelly wants the rebel – Dylan – instead of the good guy, she’s free to pursue him.
David and Claudia look through all their fake wedding and vacation pictures, making Dylan believe they’re really going through with their plan. He offers to move out, but Claudia hasn’t taken any steps to move out of her own place yet. Dylan questions the photo they took in “Egypt.” Wouldn’t Immigration wonder where they got the money for all this traveling?
Steve is happy to have his prescription but worries that he still won’t be able to perform. Janet assures him that it doesn’t matter. That doesn’t help. Donna watches Chad and Holly (AKA Romeo and Juliet) rehearse, but Chad isn’t so good with the romantic stuff. Mr. Bigelow steps in to give him some guidance. Donna’s uneasy by his closeness with Holly and asks if Mr. Bigelow has ever asked her to his place. Holly is Team Bigelow and calls Donna sick for believing lies about him.
Dylan and Gina fight at his place about how he never shows emotion or concern for her. So…she slept with Cole to get a rise out of Dylan? Maybe? As he’s kicking her out, she slaps him and says she hates him. He returns the sentiment. She slaps him again, and he pushes her against the wall, trying to hold her off. This turns into kissing, which is such a dump soap thing.
Steve summons the psychic back to the newspaper, offering to triple her salary if she’ll give him a better prediction. Steve gets a call from his doctor and reports that the prescription worked. The doctor informs him that it was a placebo. Womp womp! Fortunately for the psychic, she’s already received her check. Unfortunately, Steve tells Janet to stop payment on it.
After a romp in the sack, Gina asks Dylan straight out if she’s ever cheated – even when he was in Mexico with Kelly. Dylan says no, but she she’s skeptical. David’s moving forward with everything he and Claudia need to do before they get married, but she’s decided it’s time to call it off. She’s going to go back to Venezuela. She appreciates that David would have gone through with the plan, but she knows that eventually they both would have regretted it.
Donna and Ashley corner Holly, trying to get her to admit if Mr. Bigelow has ever made any advances. She sticks to her claim that he hasn’t. But a girl working on the sets is shaken by the conversation, and Donna realizes that Mr. Bigelow assaulted her. “He said I was the only one,” the girl says.
Dylan admits to Kelly that rigging the raffle was a bad idea. He wonders what would have happened if he and Kelly hadn’t hooked up while he was dating Brenda. Kelly says they probably would have just stayed friends. The gang gathers at the Walshes’, where Ashley reports that Mr. Bigelow has been fired and the DA is pressing charges. She’s pleased that she can now move on with her life.
Kelly shows Matt the final version of his commercial, which portrays him as he really is. Everything seems to be fine with them. Claudia thanks Dylan for telling her how David really feels. Dylan had seen that they both had doubts, so he stepped in. Gina finds this attractive. Kelly tells Gina that she wants to find a way for them to stop fighting all the time, but neither has any suggestions.
David announces that he and Claudia aren’t getting married after all. She’s going to renew her visa and come back to California. She asks the gang to “keep David’s virginity intact until then.” Everyone has a good laugh at David and, hopefully, his ugly dragon shirt.
Thoughts: Chad is played by Breaking Bad‘s Aaron Paul. Mr. Bigelow is played by soap actor Leigh J. McCloskey, who was on General Hospital with Vanessa Marcil.
West Beverly must have quite a theater budget if they can have someone custom-design costumes for them. Our theater budget was something like $80.
If you’re turning your back while your fake fiancée is changing, you’re probably not in a stable enough relationship to get married.
Fun set detail in Cole’s hotel room: a champagne bottle wedged halfway into the wall. I’m impressed that it didn’t break.