January 5, 2016

SVU #49, Stranded: Jessica Has Left the Building

Posted in books tagged , , , , , at 5:12 pm by Jenn

I love this cover. She's so mad!

I love this cover. She’s so mad, but she’s still modeling!

Summary: Jessica has accidentally been left behind in a bar in South Dakota while the rest of her Intense Coast-to-Coast Whatever Whatever teammates head to their next challenge. Fortunately, Elvis comes to Jessica’s rescue. Well, an Elvis impersonator, which isn’t as interesting. Jess has no idea where the next competition is, and mad at her team for ditching her anyway, so she decides to blow off the rest of the challenge and go to Memphis with Elvis.

When Jessica’s teammates realize that they left her in South Dakota, Tom decides that they need to go back and get her – not because it’s the right thing to do, but because Elizabeth would be mad if they didn’t. They run into a camera crew, which for some reason only films the competition parts of the challenge. They’re missing so much juicy stuff by not being on the RVs with the teams. Anyway, Tom and Todd pretend they’re just going back to get Jessica’s purse, so no one finds out they’re down one teammate.

Somehow, the team finds their missing player, but Jessica takes off with Elvis again. The team goes after her, then changes their mind and proceeds to the next challenge in St. Joseph, Missouri. Neil’s worried that Jessica’s mad enough to out him to the rest of the team. I will say that I don’t see anyone on that team caring that Neil’s gay. In Missouri, Jessica’s team pretends she’s asleep in the RV so Elizabeth won’t find out they lost her. Liz quickly figures it out, though, since Todd and Tom can’t keep their lies straight.

The challenge in St. Joseph involves horses and jumping. Elizabeth almost falls off her horse, but Sam rescues her, ticking off Tom. Elizabeth and Sam’s love/hate relationship is back to love, since he’s being nice in the wake of her near-death experience. Their team wins the challenge, and Jessica’s team is disqualified because they don’t have all their players. Jessica watches the broadcast from a diner and decides she wants to go back to the competition. But first she lets Elvis take her to Graceland, where they almost have sex. Or maybe they actually do. It’s not clear. Meanwhile, her team’s RV is really tense because Tom and Todd are fighting again. Neil gets them to shut up by playing a Carpenters song. Yeah, I don’t know. It was funny, though.

The next competition is in Chicago – teams have to sell hot dogs at a Cubs/Dodgers game. Since all the players go to college in California and root for the Dodgers, Sam smartly gets some Cubs gear to try to win over the Cubs fans. Todd is furious at him for basically selling out. I love it. Sam gets Elizabeth to kiss some teen boys on the cheek so they’ll buy hot dogs. Tom gets jealous again, gets himself on a camera, declares his affection for Liz, and makes a stupid buns pun before dropping trou and wiggling around in his boxers. Elizabeth is justifiably horrified.

Jessica rejoins her team, coming close to making up with Neil. But she gets offended when they’re asked if they’re becoming a couple and Neil emphatically denies it. Jess, don’t take it personally – he’s not rejecting you because of who you are. He’d just prefer it if you were a guy. Elsewhere, Tom and Todd finally have something in common: They can’t stand Sam. Elizabeth can’t stand him either right now; they’re back to the hate part of the love/hate relationship.

Strangely, the teams next head to Nashville, so this is Jessica’s second trip to Tennessee in just a few days. Their next challenge is singing karaoke in front of a big audience. Each team has to do at least two numbers, solos or otherwise. Elizabeth’s team ought to have an advantage, since Ruby is an aspiring singer. It turns out that Pam, whose speaking voice is often described as the most annoying sound anyone’s ever heard, has a beautiful singing voice.

Neil turns “Jolene” into “Jessie-lene” to try to win Jessica over, which makes two public displays of humiliation for the twins at two back-to-back events. Jess was supposed to sing for her team, but she backs out after Neil embarrasses her. Elvis to the rescue again! He convinces Jessica to duet with him on “Islands in the Stream.” It ends up not mattering, though; Jessica’s performance doesn’t count, since she sang with someone who’s not in the competition. Elizabeth’s team wins.

Elizabeth and Sam make up, but it lasts for, like, two minutes. Tom and Todd start fighting over their mutual ex again, then decide to go after Sam together. They find him and Elizabeth making out. Tom tells Liz he only came on the challenge to win her back, but she’s not moved. Jessica tells her teammates that she forgives them for leaving her in South Dakota, which they think is ridiculous. She’s the one who’s been a jerk to them, so she’s the one who needs to apologize. Sam starts acting like a sexist jerk again, so Elizabeth tells him to leave her alone forever, which is going to be fun while they’re sharing an RV. So basically, no one’s happy by the end of the book. Well, maybe Elvis.

In news no one cares about, Charlie’s been sick the whole book and finally finds out she’s pregnant. I can barely remember who Charlie is, so this makes no difference to me.

Thoughts: Whoever owned this book before me left an Old Navy Hip to Zip sweepstakes card inside, with an offer for $5 off a tech vest. If only it hadn’t expired in 1999. (In case you’ve blocked tech vests from your memory, like I did, here they are being modeled by some other ’90s mainstays.)

Selling hot dogs: SO INTENSE!

Again, the planning of the teams’ routes is awful. They were given a huge amount of time to drive from Missouri to Chicago. Cut that in half and add another task later.

Jessica’s team is DQ’d from two tasks for not having enough players, but they participate anyway. Huh? What’s the point?

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