October 3, 2017

SVT #107, The Twins Hit Hollywood: That’s Show Business, Baby

Posted in books tagged at 5:05 pm by Jenn

Next, turn the scissors on those horrible denim outfits, please

Summary: A casting agent who saw the twins in their Corny O’s commercial thinks they would be perfect for an upcoming movie. They head to L.A. and discover that they’re up against a number of pairs of twins. No one will tell them what the roles are or even what the movie is about. No parents are present. The whole thing is completely ridiculous, and not even in a good way.

One pair of twins is so determined to land the roles that they sabotage the other girls. They cut one girl’s hair so she and her twin won’t be identical anymore, and so they won’t keep landing shampoo commercials. Another pair of twins, Tammy and Louise Parker, kind of laugh this off, since it’s show business and that’s just how things go. Elizabeth is understandably anxious about getting too deep in this, but there’s no way Jessica’s going to let her walk away now.

The Pearsons (the twins who were recently rendered unidentical) show up to the next round of auditions with new haircuts, still in it to win it. Because the movie will include at least one musical number, the girls all have to sing and dance in their auditions. One of the Pearsons keeps getting in Elizabeth’s way to make her look bad. But then she loses a contact lens, rendering herself and her twin unidentical again while also screwing up her vision, which interferes with her dancing. Karma must be smiling on the Wakefield twins, because the Pearsons get cut.

It comes down to the Wakefields and the Parkers, and the girls start fighting dirty. Steven has a cold, so the girls send him to sneeze on the Parkers and get them sick. (Dude, germ warfare! Not cool!) This doesn’t work. The Wakefields receive a gift basket, supposedly from their agency, and when Jessica uses the shampoo it includes, she gets tar in her hair. A hairstylist is able to get it out, so the two sets of twins are tied at 0 to 0 for successful schemes.

The Wakefields send the Parkers fake script pages, making them think they’re doing scenes where they have to scream. Their hope is that the Parkers will lose their voice before the final auditions. The studio sends real pages, though, so the Parkers figure out the deception. The Parkers somehow set up a stereo playing a tape of fighting cats outside the Wakefields’ house so the twins won’t be able to sleep. That’s…creative, I guess, but pretty weak.

The night before the last audition, Jessica and Elizabeth can’t sleep, so they watch a movie on TV. They quickly realize that it stars the Parker twins (playing the same role), and that they’re really good actresses. The Wakefields actually praise the Parkers at the audition the next day, but in the process, the crew realizes that the Parkers couldn’t be 12, since they were 12 when the movie was made four years ago. The girls admit to being 16, which means they’re too old for this movie. They’re cut, and Jess and Liz are in the film.

Jessica is ecstatic to learn that the movie stars her favorite actress, Connie Bryant. It’s set in World War II, and Jess and Liz play Connie’s twin sisters, who want to perform with her in a USO show. Connie turns out to be a complete diva who’s horrible to everyone and wants to make sure she’s always the focus on screen. She gets the twins written out of scenes, makes them dye their hair brown, and holds up production by throwing tantrums and making various changes. The studio can’t do anything since Connie owns 51% of the movie, and it’s only getting made because of her. To add insult to injury, the twins have to do their schoolwork on set, which Jess hates. They don’t have time to see their friends.

The twins would love to quit, even if it means giving up their chance at a big break. Their contract prevents that, though, and they realize that the only way to get out of doing the movie is to have Connie send them away. The twins have befriended the film’s writer, who hates the changes Connie’s made to the script, and she helps them get Connie to believe that 12-year-old twins are too cute and would upstage her through the whole movie. Instead, she needs twins like the Parkers. Thus, the Wakefields are released from their contract and get revenge on the Parkers all at once. At some point in the future, the twins see the movie in a theater and discover that their characters were written out anyway, so they basically saved themselves a lot of torture with nothing to show for it.

Thoughts: Why would you audition for a role you know nothing about? You could end up doing something really embarrassing.

My imagination cast Sarah Paulson as Connie, not because I think she’s a diva but because I think she could pull off the character’s over-the-topness.

The executive producer tells Jessica she’s attractive, so now I have to go throw up.

One of the twins’ outfits in the movie is matching white velvet sailor suits. Let me repeat that: WHITE. VELVET. SAILOR SUITS.

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