Buffy 4.16, Who Are You: Things Are No Longer Five by Five

December 31, 2022

Buffy 4.16, Who Are You: Things Are No Longer Five by Five

Of course she went straight for the leather pants

Summary: The police have arrived at the Summerses’ house to handle Faith. A detective tells Joyce that after Faith is checked out by doctors, she’ll go to jail until her trial. Joyce just wants Faith to get help. The detective says their top priority is making sure she can’t hurt anyone else. As a semi-conscious Faith is wheeled off on a gurney, she sees Buffy taking Joyce’s hand. The detective appreciates the Summerses’ help in apprehending “the kid.” Buffy firmly says that she’s not a kid. She’s strong and shouldn’t be underestimated.

Inside the house, Buffy spins around, worried, when Joyce says Faith’s name. She just wants to know what makes her the way she is. Buffy says she’s crazy. Joyce doesn’t know what could drive a person to act the way Faith does. Buffy suggests that she’s always been that way. Joyce thinks that Faith is “horribly unhappy.” Buffy says the time in jail could rehabilitate her. Or maybe she’ll get abused. Buffy tells Joyce that the thought of Faith hurting her fills her with rage. Joyce hugs her and Buffy makes a face.

Joyce says she’s missed her daughter, and Buffy replies triumphantly that she knew it was because she hasn’t visited. Joyce understands that her life is busy now, but she’d like to spend time together. Buffy says they will. She goes upstairs to take a bath and examine her body. It’s become clear that this isn’t really Buffy – whatever device Faith had on her hand earlier caused them to swap bodies. This is Faith in Buffy’s body, or FIB.

After the bath, FIB makes faces at herself in the mirror and practices talking like Buffy. Mostly it’s telling people they can’t do things because they’re wrong. At the hospital, Buffy in Faith’s body – BIF – tries to fight off the medical staff keeping her there. She yells that she has to go home and protect her mother. They sedate her and think she’s talking crazy when she says that someone’s taken her body.

In Tara’s room, Willow wonders where Faith is. She wishes Faith would make a move already. She’s pretty sure Buffy can handle her, but that doesn’t mean Faith won’t hurt someone. Tara thinks Willow’s safe with her, since her friends don’t even know that Tara exists. Not that that’s a problem for Tara or anything! Willow promises that she’s not trying to hide Tara from her friends. She just likes having something that’s hers alone, not the Scoobies’. As Willow goes to check in with Giles, Tara tells her, “I am, you know.” Willow asks what she means. “Yours,” Tara replies.

FIB puts on some of Buffy’s clothes (gotta make the cleavage pop) and nabs her passport. She uses Joyce’s credit card to buy a plane ticket for the next morning and steals some of her cash. Joyce tells her that Giles called and wants her to meet up with the Scoobies. FIB decides she has time to kill and might as well show up. She takes one of Joyce’s lipsticks, which Joyce recognizes as Harlot, the same one Faith liked. In that case, FIB says she should burn it.

BIF wakes up from the sedative in the back of a police car. Moments later, the car crashes into an armored truck. The three guys from the helicopter pull her out of the car and tell her that she’s being taken into custody by the Watchers’ Council. BIF is too out of it from the sedative to fight them off.

FIB arrives at Giles’ and reports that she took care of Faith. She thinks it’s poetic justice that…well, Faith committed crimes and is going to be punished for them. Maybe that’s just regular justice. Giles tells her that Faith isn’t in police custody anymore – the Watchers’ Council had her captured by a special unit that handles tougher cases. She’ll be taken to England and won’t be their problem anymore. FIB is delighted.

Willow hopes they “throw the book” at Faith. Giles isn’t sure there’s a book that covers what she’s done. “They could throw other things,” Willow says. FIB is uncomfortable with Willow’s level of hatred for her and imagines herself stabbing Willow. Anya asks why Giles called them all over, since he could have just told them over the phone that everything’s fine. Willow notices that FIB has a weird look on her face and asks what’s up with her. “I’d never let her hurt you,” FIB promises.

Xander’s ready for the Scooby gathering to break up, since he and Anya had a romantic evening planned. Anya clarifies that they were going to light candles and have sex near them. “Well, we certainly don’t want to cut into that seven minutes,” FIB quips. She excuses her sarcasm by saying they’re out of danger and can lighten up. Giles mentions Adam, who of course FIB knows nothing about. They don’t have any new information on him, so there’s nothing to do on that front. FIB promises to patrol so the Scoobies can have the night off.

Instead, she goes to the Bronze and lives it up. She bumps into Spike, another person she’s unfamiliar with. He swears he’s only there to drink beer, not blood. He’s “as helpless as a kitten up a tree,” so she can leave him alone. But when she starts to walk away, he complains that she’s throwing it in his face that he can’t hurt people anymore.

FIB realizes who she’s talking to and is thrilled that Spike can’t hurt anyone. He asks if she knows why he really hates her. “‘Cause I’m a stuck-up tight-a%$ with no sense of fun?” she replies. “Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it,” he says. She adds that she can do anything she wants, but instead she chooses to “pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness.” She could be rich or famous and have anything or anyone, including him.

She cozies up to him and talks about how impressed he would be if she took him to bed. But she won’t do that, because it’s wrong. Spike warns that when he gets the chip removed, they’re going to “have a confrontation.” FIB replies that she’s counting on it. And then Spike probably has to go take a cold shower, because dang, that was hot.

Adam finds some vampires underground and asks what they’re afraid of. Their leader, Boone, tells a minion to kill Adam, who easily holds him off. He knows that vampires fear crosses, fire, the sun, and decapitation, which he demonstrates by pulling off the minion’s head. Boone quickly offers to let Adam take over their lair. Adam thinks that vampires fear death more than mortals do, even though it’s harder for them to die. They’re paradoxes – as demons in human bodies, they “walk in both worlds and belong to neither.” Adam can relate. He thinks he and the vampires have a lot to talk about.

BIF wakes up again and tries to convince the Council guys that she’s Buffy, and that Faith switched their bodies. Of course, they don’t believe her. She tells them to call Giles, but they remind her that Giles doesn’t work for the Council anymore. Actually, neither does Buffy. BIF is just a package they’re supposed to deliver. One of the guys is very loyal to the Council, and he thinks BIF is trash who “perverted it.” He spits on her and says they should have killed her in her sleep.

Willow takes Tara to the Bronze, where they find FIB cheering on a guy who’s chugging a beer. Willow decides to introduce Tara to her, but since this is Faith, she’s not very warm toward Willow’s friend. When Willow leaves them alone to get drinks, FIB reveals that she’s already guessed that they’re actually more than friends: “So Willow’s not driving stick anymore.” She didn’t expect that. “I guess you never really know someone until you’ve been inside their skin,” she says.

She clarifies that Oz is out of the picture, which surprises her, since he and Willow were so in love. Tara gets uncomfortable about that, which brings out a stutter. FIB taunts her for it, so Tara falls silent. Willow comes back and tells FIB that a guy across the room seems to be a vampire. FIB takes a few moments to realize that that means she needs to go do some slaying.

She goes outside with a pool cue and gets the vampire away from the girl he’s about to feed on. Once he’s dusted, she offers the girl some words of…whatever the opposite of comfort is: “You’ll live.” The girl is really grateful, something FIB isn’t used it. FIB goes back inside and tells Willow that she took care of things. Willow’s on her way out with Tara and asks if FIB will be home later or if she’s going to Riley’s. Suddenly FIB has a new plan for the night.

BIF’s causing trouble for the Council guys, so one of them grabs another sedative. When he gets close enough to inject her, she takes him hostage and forces the other guys to unchain her. The only problem is that these guys are fully willing to die on the job, so they’re not too eager to release someone they think is a psychotic killer in order to save a guy who went into this knowing he might not get back home. They’d rather focus on coming up with a new plan for getting BIF to the Council.

FIB shows up at Riley’s room in full-on seductive mode as Willow and Tara return to Tara’s room. Tara tells Willow that Buffy isn’t her friend. Somehow Tara, who’s never even met Buffy before, has figured out that she isn’t really Buffy. Her energy is “fragmented” and seems forced into a place where it doesn’t belong. Also, she was mean.

Willow wonders if Buffy’s been possessed. She hopes there aren’t any hyenas involved. Tara asks to use something of Buffy’s to figure things out. They can do a ritual to find Buffy in “the nether realm,” which is “beyond the physical world.” To access it, they’d have to do something similar to astral projection. Tara would serve as Willow’s anchor. Willow promises that she trusts Tara.

FIB tells Riley that Faith has been taken care of, so there’s nothing to worry about. Riley admits that he kind of wanted to meet Faith, but now he can’t think of anything but Buffy. FIB says he wouldn’t have liked Faith: “She’s not proper and joyless like a girl should be. She has a tendency to give in to her animal instincts.” Riley’s a little uncomfortable with his supposed girlfriend’s sudden assertiveness, but he just notes that his door is still open. She doesn’t care, but he doesn’t want the other commandos to get a free show.

He’s still in a little pain from his encounter with Adam, but FIB wants to take him “for a test drive.” She climbs onto his bed and asks what he wants to do with her body. Are there any desires he wants to act on? Is she a bad girl? Does he want to hurt her? Riley’s confused, since he’s not one for roleplay. He just wants regular intimacy with the woman he cares about.

Willow and Tara do their ritual, which might actually be more intimate than Riley and FIB’s romp in the sack is about to be. Let’s just say there’s touching and heavy breathing and some extended eye contact. Oh, and moaning. Back in Riley’s room, FIB gets agitated when he says he loves her. She orders him to get off of her, then asks who he is and what he wants from…well, Buffy. She tells him this is meaningless. Riley notices that she’s shaking and covers her up, trying to comfort her. It’s clearly the first time she’s been cared for like this, and she doesn’t know how to react.

Underground, Adam tells the vampires that, unlike other demons, he knows why he’s there: He was created to kill. He’s accepted that responsibility. The vampires have lived in fear because they don’t have that gift. It’s time for them to face their fear. Adam wants Boone to be his “first” and let “them” know he’s coming. He asks what Boone fears more than anything else.

FIB spent the night with Riley, but in the morning, she gets dressed to leave without waking him. Downstairs, she runs into Forrest, who chastises her for not letting Riley recover. He reminds her that they have a mission. FIB laughs at that, since she’s been fighting demons a lot longer than the commandos have. “Yeah, you’re a killer,” Forrest replies sarcastically. She takes offense to that, correcting that she’s the Slayer, and he doesn’t know anything about her. Forrest asks if she really cares what he thinks. FIB claims she doesn’t care at all.

The Council guys have heard that they won’t be able to get secure transport to England, now that BIF is so volatile, and they’ve been authorized to kill her. The guy she took hostage notes that she could have killed him but didn’t. BIF is ready and waiting when they come for her with a gun, and she knocks out one of the guys and grabs the weapon. She manages to get from the back of the armored truck to the front and drive off without them stopping her.

As FIB checks in for her flight at the airport, BIF shows up at Giles’. She tells him she’s Buffy, but since he obviously doesn’t believe her, he asks to tie her up until they find out the truth. She tells him she doesn’t have time “for bondage fun” while FIB is running around in her body. She suggests that he ask her something that will prove who she is. He asks who the president is, which she notes is a question better suited to someone who might have a concussion.

BIF thinks Giles should be able to tell who she is the way she knew who he was when he turned into a demon. He asks for details about that, which she gives. She also mentions Olivia and how he’s been unemployed since they blew up the school, “which is valid, lifestyle-wise.” Also, when she was psychic, she heard Joyce think that he was “like a stevedore during sex“. Giles has heard enough. “What’s a stevedore?” BIF wonders.

Giles is sold now, but BIF wants to hold off on explaining things until they’ve found FIB. Willow and Tara burst in just then, and BIF starts to tell them that she’s really Buffy. They already know, and they’ve even guessed the spell that was probably used. They’ve conjured a katra that will switch FIB and BIF back. Just then, Giles gets a call from Xander alerting him to a news report. Three men whose descriptions make them sound a lot like vampires have taken hostages at a church. FIB sees the same report at the airport.

The hostage-takers are Boone and two other minions, who are facing their fear of churches. Boone would like to know where God is. The vampires will just start killing people and see if He shows up. Outside, Riley pulls rank on the police, telling a cop that they’re not prepared to handle the hostage-takers. FIB arrives ready to go in and save the day. Riley advises her to wait for commandos to serve as backup. She asks how he responded so fast. He didn’t – he was just late for church.

FIB won’t wait for backup, and she won’t let Riley talk her out of going in alone: “I’m Buffy. I have to do this.” He wants to go with her, but he’s not fully recovered, so she tells him to stay outside and help any civilians who get out. She heads into the sanctuary, telling Boone that she’s just there to pray. She refuses to let the vampires kill their hostages, “because it’s wrong.” Boone realizes that he’s dealing with the Slayer. “The one and only,” FIB replies.

The Scoobies arrive (in the armored truck, because why not?) and Giles distracts a cop so BIF can slip away and get into the church. He rants that their mothers are inside, “and tiny, tiny babies!” Boone tells FIB that they’re not afraid of her, so she suggests that they let the hostages go and face her alone. She starts fighting the vampires, and the parishioners wisely head for the doors.

FIB stakes one vampire, and another heads outside, running into Riley, who tosses him into the sunlight and kills him. BIF has just found him, and she happily hugs her boyfriend, who thinks she’s just a grateful civilian. She asks how many vampires are inside. Confused, he asks who she is. Back inside, Boone smacks FIB around, saying that Adam has shown him the way. He suddenly turns to dust, thanks to a stake in the back courtesy of BIF.

The two Slayers fight each other, and during a brief pause, BIF says that FIB can’t win this. FIB yells that she’s not afraid of BIF. She gets BIF on the ground and pummels her, ranting that she’s nothing, just a “disgusting, murderous b%$@#.” BIF manages to grab FIB’s hand and activate the katra, returning them to their bodies. Buffy’s so shaken that she can’t chase after Faith, who gets away.

Later, in Riley’s room, Buffy tells Riley that there’s no trace of Faith. He thinks he should have been able to pick up on the fact that something was off. Buffy slowly realizes that he slept with Faith. Riley doesn’t see it that way, since he thought she was Buffy, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. They agree that Faith probably won’t be coming back – she’s had her fun. Faith definitely isn’t having fun now, though. She’s fleeing town in the back of a truck, thinking about all the damage she’s caused and the life she’s been leading up until now. What has it all been for?

Thoughts: It’s not surprising at all but Sarah Michelle Gellar and Eliza Dushku both do an excellent job of imitating each other’s characters, mostly in subtle ways. Gellar even throws in Dushku’s slight Boston accent.

Joyce’s credit card expires in May of 2001, for those of you collecting foreshadowing for “The Gift.”

Not only is FIB’s comment about Xander’s, uh, fast timing funny, but remember that Faith slept with him. It might be the truth.

Here’s the Spike/FIB scene, which I highly recommend watching.

I like that Tara caught on to Faith first, partly because she was mean. No doubt Willow has told her enough about Buffy for her to know that Buffy isn’t like that. Plus, I assume Tara knows that Willow wouldn’t be friends with a mean person.

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