October 28, 2014
SVU #26, The Trial of Jessica Wakefield: “The Grand Jury Hearing of Jessica Wakefield” Doesn’t Have the Same Ring to It
I have no idea who these people are supposed to be
Summary: Jessica has been arrested, and things aren’t looking good. Because of the amount of cocaine she was found with, the police – including Nick – think she’s a drug dealer. Meanwhile, a suspicious Jordan delivers Celine what she thinks is her money, but what’s actually Lila’s hat. Jordan realizes what was really going on, and Celine warns him not to tell the police, since he’d be arrested, too. The guys she got the drugs from give her five days to get them their money.
Ned and Alice are out of the country, which leaves Steven as the default “grown-up” in the family. He’s barely in the book, though, and does nothing useful, like hire her a lawyer. Jessica struggles in jail, as you can imagine, and I would laugh at her but I know that if it were me, I’d cry the whole time. I actually feel sorry for Jess. Anyway, She tries to convince Nick that she didn’t do anything wrong and didn’t even know drugs would be involved. She just wanted to find out what he was keeping from her. The problem is that no one saw Jordan at the exchange, so it looks like Jessica was just hanging around with a bunch of coke.
Jessica and her public defender end up in front of a judge who’s determined to rid the world of drug crimes. He schedules a grand jury hearing to determine whether there’s enough evidence against Jessica to send her to trial. (This is how the book can get away with the legal proceedings moving so quickly. Otherwise, Jessica would be in jail for months.) No one can afford Jessica’s bail, so she goes back to lockup.
Nick has started to doubt that Jessica’s a drug dealer, and decides that he can’t testify against her. He’s suspended from his job, which just gives him more time to investigate the case on his own. This involves some deducing and other detective stuff that’s not really interesting to read about. Elizabeth is actually the better detective, as she gets Jessica to remember that Jordan was wearing an engineering sweatshirt, which could help them narrow down who he is.
Speaking of Jordan, his guilty conscience makes him call the drug hotline, where Alex happens to take his call. He confesses that his girlfriend got him mixed up in a drug deal, but he got a hatbox instead of money, and now mobsters might be after him. (Ahh, college was crazy for all of us, wasn’t it?) He tells her he’s going to hide out in his hometown.
There’s a Theta gathering, and Celine stupidly wears the hat Jordan gave her. Lila recognizes it and says that Jessica was supposed to pick it up for her. Alex figures out that Celine and Jordan were involved in Jessica’s “drug deal,” and she and Noah head off to try to find Nick. They first encounter Elizabeth, who tells them about Jordan’s engineering shirt. Alex finds Nick at the Theta house, looking for evidence that could clear Jessica, and tells him about the shirt and the call from Jordan.
Celine is next to sneak into the Theta house, looking for things she can steal for money. She comes across Lila’s bank card, which Lila lost a while ago and Isabella returned (but didn’t give back to her in person – good job, Isabella). Celine uses the card to pay off her debts and go on a shopping spree. Then she goes to withdraw money and gets busted by Lila’s own father, causing her to flee (still wearing that stupid hat).
Meanwhile, Nick does some more detectiving, which mainly involves driving all over California to find Jordan. He eventually does, and convinces Jordan to come to Jessica’s hearing. He arrives just in time to get everything sorted out and reveal that Celine was behind the deal. The judge is all, “Sorry, Ms. Wakefield. Your boyfriend is a good cop, though.” Jess is off the hook and back with Nick. Celine and Jordan are allowed to make deals in exchange for ratting out the actual drug dealers, so once again, Celine gets away with a crime. Sigh. At least Lila gets her hat.
The only substantial B-plot: Elizabeth and Tom are through, as he believes his father’s side of the story that he never hit on Elizabeth. Tom is a jerk through the whole book, which is really all you need to know. Liz tries to take her mind off of him and Jessica’s trial by going to a party. She accidentally gets drunk on spiked punch, and a guy who’s been bugging her comes close to raping her. Todd swoops in to save the day. The next morning, Elizabeth wakes up in Todd’s bed and freaks out, thinking they slept together. They didn’t, so Liz is still a lily-white virgin, but now her interest in Todd has been rekindled. So sorry, spending-the-semester-abroad Gin-Yung.
Thoughts: Yeah, like Jessica was really going to go to prison for a drug crime. I mean…middle-class white girl. Come on.
Celine buys turquoise velvet couches. Ick.
Danny declines an invitation to a Rams game so he can go to Jessica’s trial, and Tom thinks, “I finally get a chance to see the Rams play and something Wakefield related ruins it.” So now I definitely hate Tom.
Celine calls fake jewelry “paste.” I learned that term from an SVT book. The circle is complete!
Nick goes to the engineering department and gets hassled by a bunch of nerds. “‘I say he needs a reboot,’ the wiry guy cackled. Nick tensed. A reboot? That sounded threatening. He jumped back from the group and then swung around to face them. No one was going to give him a boot.” Nick, sweetie, you’re embarrassing yourself.
September 28, 2014
BH90210 8.10, Child of the Night: Noah Saves the Day for the Hundredth Time
Who wants to tell Noah he’s not at a modeling job?
Summary: Steve goes to the Peach Pit to try to talk to Carly, who’s been giving him some space while he deals with Jody’s revelation. She urges him to get a paternity test to make sure Jody’s telling the truth. She also points out that she can’t trust him to use birth control properly if he had unprotected sex with another woman. Kelly and Brandon try to find Erica, whose disappearance Kelly blames on Valerie. Of course, Kelly blames everything on Val, so that doesn’t mean much.
While Kelly and Donna drive around downtown playing Spot the Prostitute, David meets with Mel to discuss all his financial problems. He’s more upset about the $2,500 he took from Donna than he is about his creditors. Mel quickly devises a plan: David will file for bankruptcy, and Mel will give him the money he needs to pay Donna back. He’s very unhappy with his son.
Steve meets Jody at the Beverly Beat to ask if she’s really sure he’s the baby’s father. Even though they used protection, she’s sure Steve’s the father, since he’s the only guy she’s slept with since she broke up with her boyfriend months earlier. Steve tries to talk her out of having and/or raising the baby on her own, telling her that he’s grateful for the choice his birth mother made to place him for adoption. Jody won’t budge, determined to have and keep the baby.
Valerie lets herself onto Noah’s boat to make him a romantic dinner. She’s all, “We belong together! I’m not a crazy stalker!” He makes her leave, because she is a crazy stalker. The police pick up Erica, and Kelly argues to get her released into her foundation’s custody. Erica still has some stolen items with her, but Kelly gives her the Jean Valjean treatment, lying that she gave them to her.
David gives Donna back her $2,500 and apologizes for all his mistakes. Donna accepts the money but not the apology. He wants another chance, but she can’t trust him anymore. He’ll need to find another place to live. Brandon and Kelly let Erica spend the night at the Walshes’, and in the morning they force her to call Iris before she goes to gynecology and therapy appointments. Kelly also wants back everything she stole.
Erica takes Kelly and Brandon to her apartment to get the stuff she hasn’t already pawned, and they realize that her roommate, Julie, is stoned. Erica claims she hasn’t seen the silver pocket watch Dylan gave Brandon. Kelly wants to help Julie, who just turned 18 (which means they can’t do much about her care). Erica slips Julie the pocket watch as they leave.
Steve asks Carly to talk to Jody about how difficult single parenthood is. Carly refuses, not wanting to try to talk a stranger into what to do with her own body. Steve points out that he’ll be affected, too. Carly tells him that he doesn’t have to be a fulltime dad. Steve asks about Zach’s father, who ditched him and Carly because he didn’t want a child. Somehow, this convinces Carly to try talk to Jody.
Brandon takes Erica to the Beverly Beat, wanting to write a story about her life. Erica doesn’t think her story will help anyone in her position because teen prostitutes don’t really read the newspaper. Brandon talks her into it, promising not to use her real name. Donna hangs out with Noah on the boat while David moves out of the beach apartment. They bond a little over their recent relationship issues.
Steve helps David move, saying he agrees with Mel’s plan for him to file for bankruptcy. David mentions that he kind of sort of borrowed money from a loan shark. Meanwhile, Carly meets with Jody to tell her she’s making very bad decisions. Speaking of possibly bad decisions, Valerie sneaks onto the boat just in time to see Noah and Donna kissing.
Brandon publishes his story on Erica, using an alias for her but printing Riggs’ real name. It earns him a visit from the ADA, who wants to bring a case against Riggs and just needs the name of Brandon’s source. Brandon refuses to give it, since Erica shouldn’t have to face Riggs. The ADA is determined to get what she wants despite Brandon’s stubbornness. David and Donna run into each other at the beach apartment, and it’s awkward and she cries.
Kelly thinks Brandon should give Erica’s name to the ADA so they can be sure Riggs gets put away. Brandon wants to keep his promise to Erica that he won’t let her name become public. Carly admits to Steve that she agrees with Jody’s decision to be a single parent. She wants him to be a part of the child’s life if he’s the father. Steve is still unconvinced that he’s the father, and thinks having a baby would ruin his life.
Kelly and Donna have a girls’ night at the beach apartment so Donna won’t have to be alone right after the breakup. She’s not doing too badly, though, since she spent the day with a hot guy. Valerie goes by the After Dark to let David know that Donna spent the day with Noah. David doesn’t think it’s a big deal until Val mentions the kiss. P.S. Noah’s at the After Dark tonight, if David would like to speak to him.
Yes, David would like to speak to Noah, but first he’ll have to deal with Everett Sands, who wants his money back. David says he’s going to his office to get it, then runs off. Noah buys a bottle of something (with a $100, letting the bartender keep the change), then uses it as a weapon to keep Sands and his goons from injuring David too badly.
Kelly tries to convince Erica to reveal her name to the DA, but Brandon and Erica are still a united front on the topic. Kelly threatens to call the DA herself. As Brandon’s calling her bluff, Erica steals Kelly’s car. David confronts Donna at work about her kiss with Noah, asking why she lied about her whereabouts the previous day. She says her activities are none of his business. David asks if they slept together, which is REALLY none of his business.
Brandon and Kelly track Erica to her apartment, where she’s helping Julie after a beating – Riggs sent someone after her. She gives Erica back the pocket watch, which Brandon says she can keep. Riggs arrives and tries to get Julie to leave with him. Erica stands up to him, but Riggs is sure she’ll come crawling back to him.
Carly brings Steve Zach’s lucky marble, because you never know what might tip a paternity test the way you want it to go. Sands and his goons go back to the After Dark, where David prepares to meet whatever his fate is, since he doesn’t have their money. Fortunately, someone has already taken care of the debt. David doesn’t know it, but it’s Noah and his Tony Soprano shirt.
Brandon, Kelly, and Erica go home so Erica can call Iris. The ADA comes over to press Brandon again about revealing his source – Riggs has a child-prostitution ring and she really wants to bring it down. Brandon refuses once again, pointing out that there’s a law protecting him. The DA replies that the law only protects him from a misdemeanor. She plans to charge him with a felony, which could send him to prison for a long time. Dun dun dun!
Thoughts: Remember when guys used to wear collared shirts with the sleeves ripped off? Noah remembers. He probably wishes he could forget.
There’s no way the baby’s kicking. Jody’s, like, five minutes pregnant.
I’m surprised Valerie didn’t immediately try to seduce David after she saw Donna and Noah together.
Hey, Brandon, you know who you shouldn’t tick off? A pimp.
What is this, like, the fourth fight Noah’s jumped into? He’s only been in ten episodes! Is there a way to make a career out of that?
September 14, 2014
BH90210 8.8, Toil and Trouble: I Don’t Know About You, But I’m Feeling 22
This is so many kinds of wrong
Summary: It’s morning at the Walsh house, and Kelly thinks Brandon is too regimented, since he always gets out of the shower at exactly the same time. She’s worried that they get along so well because they both have the same boring outlook on life. Brandon doesn’t get why she wants them to act their age, since 22-year-olds tend to make stupid decisions. There’s nothing wrong with vanilla if you like vanilla.
Donna’s nervous about an upcoming meeting with the widow of a famous designer. She’s willing to do any job, no matter how menial, if it gets her in the door of a major company. David stops by a phone center, trying very hard to keep Donna outside while he gets his service reconnected. That costs $89, and he has to try multiple credit cards before he can find one that covers it.
Nat and Carly work a busy breakfast shift at the Peach pit, though only one of them flirts with Steve. He asks her to come with him to a Harvest Ball that Kelly’s foundation is throwing. Donna meets with the Widow Garibaldi, who loves Donna’s designs and needs help finding an outfit for a séance she’s hosting that Friday. (She needs a psychic to contact her husband so he can tell her where her lost bracelet is.)
Valerie and Cooper go out to eat, talking about pheasant, in case we’ve forgotten that he’s rich. He admits that he feels guilty about being rich because he didn’t earn it himself. He invites her to the Harvest Ball, but Val’s uneasy about him meeting all her friends. Cooper won’t let her give any excuses, and once he gives her a necklace, she can’t really say no.
At the After Dark, David gets a visit from one of the club’s landlords. David doesn’t have that month’s rent, and the landlord won’t give him any kind of break – he pays by the next morning or he’s evicted. When Donna arrives, David pretends that everything’s fine. Meanwhile, Noah meets with a financial planner, telling the guy he doesn’t care what happens to his portfolio. Then he eats macaroni and cheese out of a pan and makes out with Valerie. (Noah, not the financial planner.)
Brandon cooks dinner for Kelly, which is his idea of injecting some excitement into their relationship. But somehow, it turns Kelly on, and they end up making out on the dinner table. (All that perfectly good food going to waste. Tsk tsk.) Donna tries to find Mrs. Garibaldi a psychic while David pretends that his only problem is finding a new headlining act for the After Dark.
Kelly and Brandon never cleaned up after the previous night’s interrupted dinner, and they don’t bother to lie to Steve about having sex on the dining room table. While Valerie takes a phone call from Cooper, Kelly invites Noah to the Harvest Ball; this is the first he’s hearing about it. Val says she didn’t bother mentioning it because she knew Noah wouldn’t want to go, and she’s only attending because a client gave her a ticket as a tip.
David tries to get a loan, but the bank rejects him because he doesn’t have financial stability or enough assets to qualify. He asks about using his car as collateral, but even that won’t sway the loan officer. Steve gets a visit from a woman who wants to advertise her witchy abilities in the Beverly Beat. She comes on to him, but Steve turns her down, because he’s maturing, finally. Brandon teases that Carly has gotten into Steve’s head.
Carly goes to the beach apartment to borrow clothes from Donna for the Harvest Ball. We learn that Carly spent a year at the University Montana, but found it too hard to continue because Zach was only one. Someday she’d like to have a stable office job, but she’s not sure what it’ll be. Kelly calls Brandon at work so they can flirt with each other, then comes over for in-person flirting while Donna uses the paper’s Internet connection to look for a psychic. Steve puts her in contact with the witch.
The witch isn’t exactly psychic, and instead keeps pretending to be the late Mr. Garibaldi to send Donna on multiple wild-goose chases. Donna uses good, old-fashioned deduction to get Mrs. Garibaldi to remember where the bracelet is. Then she realizes that Mr. Garibaldi wasn’t the famous fashion designer, but a completely different Garibaldi. She’s been trying to work for the wife of a dry-cleaner.
Before they head to the ball, Carly and Steve take Zach to Carly’s mom’s house, in case Steve and Carly, um, “stay out late.” Valerie gets ready for the ball on Noah’s boat, trying to get him to promise that he’s in the relationship for the long term. Donna spends her payment from Mrs. Garibaldi on cuff links for David, which he thinks was a stupid move. He tells her he has something to take care of and will meet her at the ball.
Kelly and Brandon can’t keep their hands to themselves in the elevator on their way to the ball. In fact, they like the setting so much that they decide to take another ride before going to the party. Back at the beach apartment, David stops cringing at his eviction notice long enough to help himself to a check from Donna’s checkbook. He tells the landlord that he and Donna have a joint account, and she believes him but warns him not to be late with his rent again.
At the ball, Brandon, Kelly, Steve, and Carly are surprised to see Valerie with Cooper. Noah shows up, having gotten a ticket from his financial planner, and tells Donna he’s going to surprise Val. Carly calls her mom, learns that Zach’s sick, and decides to leave. Steve invites himself along, not caring how much money he spent on the tickets.
Valerie’s shocked to see Noah, and is unable to keep him and Cooper away from each other. Noah immediately figures out that Valerie’s been dating someone else. It doesn’t take Cooper long to realize the same thing, and since he’s not willing to take second place to someone else, he tells Valerie they’re through. So Val started the day with two boyfriends and is ending it with none.
Steve goes home with Carly, assuring her that he doesn’t mind skipping the ball if it means they get to spend time together. He understands that she has priorities, and he loves her for loving Zach. After the ball, Brandon and Kelly head home for more of the same thing they’ve been doing the whole episode.
Donna finds David at the beach apartment and blasts him for skipping the ball. She’s frustrated that their schedules are so different and they never get to spend time together. She wishes he would make her more of a priority – assuming he still considers her one. David will get back to her once he’s done brooding and drinking.
Thoughts: Someday I hope to be rich enough to hire psychics to contact dead people to find things for me so I don’t have to waste time looking for them myself.
We get it! Noah is the new Dylan! Can we please move on?
How is Steve not disturbed about Kelly and Brandon having sex on furniture everyone in the house uses? And why would they tell him that’s what happened? Always lie about where you’ve had sex! Always!
July 20, 2014
BH90210 7.32, Graduation Day, Part 2: CU Later
After all that build-up…
Summary: It’s graduation time! Brandon’s late, having run off to save Valerie. Clare’s graduating summa cum laude, and is also 45 minutes away from being out of our lives forever. Donna wants to get David on board with not staying out too late that night (since she plans to have sex with him). Clare warns Steve not to do anything that will embarrass her father, and Steve’s like, “Why are you still here?” The Walshes may be missing, but all Taylors and Martins are in attendance.
Brandon goes to the Shangri-La and learns that Valerie has already checked out (possibly in more than one sense of the phrase). Meanwhile, the graduation ceremony starts, and Kelly blames Valerie for Brandon’s absence. Valerie’s still standing on a bluff, so Brandon gets to be her white knight. He talks her out of jumping and promises to deal with the Kelly situation after graduation.
They arrive at the ceremony as Chancellor Arnold is quoting Robert Frost and telling the graduates to take risks. Brandon gets a symbolic diploma for being awesome, though if he’s graduating, why is his diploma symbolic? The graduates turn their tassels, everyone applauds, and Steve sets off the confetti cannons.
Despite being asked by Valerie not to say anything, Brandon tells Kelly what happened when they get home. She thinks Val faked being suicidal to get attention. Brandon can’t be sure, so he’s decided to let Valerie stay in the house. Downstairs, Steve and Valerie discuss Clare, who plans to spend the evening with her father since he’s heading to Paris the next day. Steve admits that he thinks Clare believes the chancellor’s leaving the country because Samantha dumped him.
Over at the beach apartment, Clare tells Donna that she’s having trouble with all the changes in her life. Donna promises that Chancellor Arnold and Steve will love her no matter what happens. David’s tired and wants to skip the party Bill’s throwing, but Donna talks him into going. Clare also wants to stay home, telling Steve that she’s also going to Paris, so her dad doesn’t have to be alone. Steve interprets this as, “I’m going so I don’t have to be with you anymore.”
David is nice to Valerie, telling her he was worried about her earlier. Clare chases after Steve to tell him that her father needs her more than Steve does. Steve reminds her that her father is her past; he’s supposed to be her future. Clare invites him to come to Paris, too, but Steve knows he belongs in Beverly Hills. He also knows he won’t handle a long-distance relationship well, so they’ll need to break up. YES! FINALLY! Ahem. I mean, so sad. I really wish those two had been able to make it work.
Everyone else dresses up in ’20s clothes and goes to Bill’s party. David plans to talk to the Cardigans’ manager after the party, which means Donna has to delay sex. Ryan and Austin try to talk their way into the party, getting an assist from Joy. David and Brandon talk about Valerie, agreeing not to let others in on what happened. Brandon laments that his good deed has gotten him in trouble.
Kelly tries to calm Donna’s sex-related nerves, then acts like a killjoy when Bill tries to get her to be enthusiastic about the party in front of everyone. The Cardigans perform “Love Fool” (of course – no one knows any of their other songs). Steve drowns his sorrows, telling Brandon that if he thought there was any chance he could convince Clare to stay, he’d be off trying to convince her. Later, Valerie joins Steve at the bar.
David wants to leave the party early, saying again that he’s sorry; apparently he’s not meeting with the Cardigans’ manager after all. Donna’s on the verge of losing her nerve about sex, but when David assures her that he loves her, she knows she’s making the right choice. Brandon encourages Kelly to spend some time with Bill while he’s in town, so she goes to talk to him. He tells her he wants to be back in her life. She still doesn’t trust him and won’t be won over with just a party.
Kelly storms out and tells Brandon that some things can’t be fixed. She’s mad that he’s been on Bill’s side so much. Brandon says that if she’s that mad, she shouldn’t move in with him. Well, I guess that solves that problem! While Donna and David head home for sex (though he doesn’t know that’s what she has planned), Austin hits on Joy. Ryan gets him to leave by telling him Steve has another girl picked out for him.
Kelly wants to leave, but passive-aggressively tells Brandon she doesn’t know where to go, since Donna’s reserved the beach apartment for sex. Brandon doesn’t give in, so Kelly apologizes for being a jerk. He tells her to let her father love her. Austin goes looking for Steve, who hasn’t picked out a girl for his brother – he’s picked out Valerie for himself, and they’re secretly having sex in some room.
Donna tries to get David to leave her alone for a little while so she can get herself all prettied up. Back at the party, Joy and Bill say goodbye to each other. Kelly makes up with her father, but they don’t have much time to celebrate: Bill has to leave with some federal marshals. Tomorrow, he’s going to jail for fraud and embezzlement. So…that’s probably not going to be good for their relationship.
Kelly must be in a benevolent mood, because she’s willing to let Valerie stay at the house. She’ll probably change her mind the next day. At the beach apartment, David falls asleep, then has to go hunting for Donna. He’s surprised enough to see her in lingerie, with candles everywhere, that he thinks that’s his only surprise. She tells him there’s much more, and she’s very sure that this is the right time. She’s ready for the next chapter in her life. David waited, so now David gets lucky. (And don’t worry, there’s a condom.)
Thoughts: I love that me reward for finishing season 7 is no more Clare.
I’ve linked to this before, but it needs repeating: Vulture’s oral history of this episode.
Chancellor Arnold is Mr. World Traveller, Mr. International, yet he quotes Robert Frost. Thanks for the clichés!
Also, shortest ceremony ever. They didn’t even read people’s names.
I’m impressed that Steve wore a suit under his gown and not, like, swim trunks and a cowboy shirt.
Brandon: “What are you pointing at?” Muntz (dressed as Babe Ruth): “The bar. I promised I’d drink a bottle of scotch for some sick little kid.” Heh.
Also heh to Brandon, dressed as a ’20s gangster, carrying a glass and Johnnie Walker in a violin case.
Continuity alert! David thinks Donna got a pet, and he says he doesn’t want to have to deal with “a dog or some damn bird.” Speaking of which, whatever happened to the dog and the bird?
May 25, 2014
BH90210 7.26, The Long Goodbye: Devoted to Who?
See? Pretty!
Summary: Brandon and Tracy have just gone on a date, and despite the fact that he can barely look at her, she thinks their relationship is “back on track.” Brandon decides this is the right time to break the news to her that he doesn’t want to date her anymore. He tries to blame it on the inappropriateness of dating a co-worker, like, you dated YOUR BOSS last year, Brandon; no one buys that. Amazingly, Kelly’s name doesn’t come up.
There’s a CU talent show approaching; Steve and Donna are doing a skit involving a saloon girl, a Mountie, and lip-synching. Steve thinks Clare should do something risky and make herself vulnerable. Donna tells David she’s heading to her parents’ house since her mother needs a break from taking care of Dr. Martin all the time. She wants Felice to come to the talent show and see some of her college friends.
Tracy mopes to Valerie that Brandon dumped her but she doesn’t know why – she doesn’t think Kelly is connected. Val disagrees, saying that Kelly was probably waiting to make a move. She promises to try to talk some sense into Brandon. Elsewhere, Brandon shares the news with Kelly, telling her he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her since they kissed. Kelly admits the same. They decide to spend some time together and see where things go.
After they set up a date for the next night, Valerie approaches Brandon to blast him for dumping Tracy. Brandon points out that he’s not in love with Tracy, so he broke things off. Valerie insists that Tracy’s better for him than Kelly. He can’t know for sure that Kelly really loves him; she’ll probably end up hurting him. Brandon sees right through her, accusing her of still holding a grudge against Kelly.
Donna tries to get Felice interested in the talent show, which is only part of a Spring Fest that also includes a picnic, volleyball tournament, and dance. Felice is worried about what Dr. Martin will do now that he can’t be a surgeon. She reluctantly looks at the guest list for the Spring Fest and spots a familiar name, Warren Graham.
Clare tells Steve that she’s going to sing in the talent show, which surprises him since he didn’t know she sang. She picks out Linda Ronstadt’s “Devoted to You,” which her mom used to sing all the time. But when Clare gives it a shot, she proves to be tone-deaf. At the beach apartment, David helps Donna perfect her Mountie walk (I guess Steve’s the saloon girl, then), but she’s not very good at it. Kelly receives a telegram from Dylan asking to see her the next night while he’s in L.A. on a layover. She’s not allowed to tell anyone.
The next morning, Steve tells Brandon that Clare’s going to make a fool of herself in the show, and it’ll be his fault. Valerie bugs Brandon about Kelly, telling him that she’ll probably be late for their date since she’ll be traveling from the airport. She knows about the telegram…because it’s from her, not Dylan. She wanted to prove to Brandon that Kelly would rather be with Dylan. Brandon notes that Kelly meeting Dylan doesn’t mean anything. He’s not going to follow and spy on her.
It’s almost show time, and Kelly has skipped helping out to go to the airport. Donna spots Felice with a guy she finds familiar – clearly Warren Graham. Valerie goes to Tracy’s room and tells her that Brandon may be coming around on her. Steve tells Clare that she doesn’t have to go through with her performance just to prove something to him. She reminds him that he encouraged her to loosen up. She doesn’t think she’s in danger of making a fool of herself.
Donna sees Felice sitting with Warren and finally places him – he’s the guy her mother had an affair with way back in “Things to Do On a Rainy Day.” As the talent show starts, Kelly waits for Dylan at the airport. Of course, he doesn’t show. Brandon watches her, despite having told Valerie that he wouldn’t follow her. Back at the show, Donna thinks Felice came to see Warren and plans to cheat on Dr. Martin again.
Donna and Steve do their skit, and Steve makes a very pretty woman. Brandon goes to the Peach Pit to mope to Nat about Kelly going to see Dylan. Nat points out that Brandon would go see an old girlfriend if she sent a telegram (cough Emily cough). Brandon worries that what Dylan once told him about him and Kelly having a special connection is true. Nat wonders if he would have broken up with Tracy if Kelly weren’t in the picture.
Kelly heads to the show, ending up sitting right behind Valerie. Val tells her that Brandon isn’t there, hinting that he might know where Kelly went. Steve talks to Clare again about not performing, finally admitting that she can’t sing. She wants to go on anyway. Steve tells her to let the song come from her heart; she can sell the performance without having the talent. Clare starts off badly, and the audience isn’t very supportive. She stops for a moment, then starts over, this time performing beautifully.
Brandon leaves a message for Kelly, cancelling their date. Tracy shows up at his office and tries to seduce him. She thinks they should give the relationship a second chance. Brandon disagrees. Tracy accuses him of using her to distract himself while Kelly was dating Mark. He replies that Kelly’s probably in love with Dylan, which makes Tracy feel a little better.
After the show, Kelly heads off to meet Brandon as Donna sees that Felice and Warren are still talking. Steve praises Clare for taking the risk of singing instead of backing down. She tells him that she was supposed to sing the song in a grade-school talent show, but her mother didn’t show up, so Clare wouldn’t perform. This was the first time she got to sing the song for her mom.
David tries to convince Donna that her mother isn’t up to anything, but Donna sees Felice and Warren together again and confronts them. David notes that they don’t seem to be doing anything romantic. Felice explains that Warren is a doctor, and they’ve been talking about Dr. Martin. Now that Dr. Martin can’t practice medicine, Felice thinks he should lecture at Warren’s hospital. Then she tells Donna to listen to David more often, so I think Felice needs to be checked over by a neurologist.
At the Walshes’, Valerie confirms that Kelly fell for the telegram and Brandon saw her going to meet Dylan. Valerie’s pleased that Brandon now knows Kelly’s true feelings for her ex. But then Kelly shows up, upset that Brandon skipped a date he said he’d been waiting for. He confronts her about meeting Dylan, which sparks an argument about lying and trust and Kelly’s feelings for Dylan. She insists that she was going to meet him as a friend, then go meet Brandon for their date.
Kelly shows Brandon that she’s wearing her engagement ring on a chain, telling him that she was going to let Dylan know that she’s finally chosen. No matter what happens, she sees the ring as hers and Brandon’s. They exchange “I love you”s and kiss. Not shown: Valerie in the background with smoke coming out of her ears.
Thoughts: ‘Bye, Tracy! I won’t miss you. I liked you in the beginning, but then you got really annoying.
Valerie: “I’ll take care of it.” Me: (shudder)
Donna, goofing off while practicing for the show: “This is my Mountie walk.” Tori Spelling’s delivery cracked me up.
A telegram? In 1997? Okay….
Steve (re: the show): “I have a lot of problems there.” Brandon: “Like what size bra to stuff?” Steve: “No. I’ve always been a D cup.” Never change, Steve.
Val, you moron, why did you tell Brandon the telegram was from you?
Clare and David (her accompanist) don’t practice before the show. Whaaaa?
April 13, 2014
BH90210 7.20, With This Ring: Isn’t Anyone On This Show Happy?
Apparently the jeweler is Jason Priestley in makeup. Freaky
Summary: Valerie has a dream that’s a mixture of her father and being in bed with Tom. She wakes up when Tom starts bleeding on top of her. Real Tom tells her that they’ll have to “face it all” when Abby returns from her business trip. Kelly writes in her journal on the beach, admitting to feeling alone. She chose herself instead of deciding between Brandon and Dylan; now they’re seeing other people and she’s single.
Brandon runs a production meeting at CUTV, but Tracy’s not paying attention. She’s not happy that he held on to the engagement ring he wanted to give Kelly. Brandon wants the conversation to wait until after the show. Donna talks to Clare about her David/Cliff issues; she wants to date Cliff but doesn’t want to take him places David might show up. She’s tired of people seeing her and David as always together, and would like to live her own life.
Ryan asks Steve for advice about taking a girl out. Steve suggests a double date with him and Clare at a pier carnival. Abby returns from her trip, and Valerie admits that she’s surprised to see her. She still won’t sign the papers for the second mortgage on the house. Abby decides to go back to Buffalo the next day.
That night, there’s a special CUTV program, where Chancellor Arnold presents Brandon with a plaque commemorating the station’s 100th broadcast. It’s followed by a party, which Clare, Steve, Donna, and Cliff ditch to go out. Tom urges Valerie to talk to her mother about her issues, but Val resists. Kelly and Brandon make awkward small talk, which Tracy sees, and she blasts Brandon for talking to his ex when they’d planned to have their big conversation.
The party ditchers go to the carnival, and Donna enjoys her time with Cliff. Steve wonders where David fits into things. Clare points out that David hangs out with Chloe all the time. Ryan’s date is going well, and he asks Steve for a condom. The girl’s parents are going out of town, and he wants to be ready for some alone time the next night.
Tracy and Brandon finally have it out, with her accusing him of cheating with Kelly. He assures her he’s not, but when she asks if he still loves Kelly, he doesn’t know what to say. Tracy’s done with him. Cliff tries to turn things romantic with Donna, but she resists since she’s kind of still with David. She doesn’t think she should be playing around with Cliff. Cliff replies that he’s not playing.
David’s hanging out with Chloe, who thinks Donna’s cheating and tells David to get out before he gets hurt. David’s sure that nothing like that is going on since Donna’s a virgin. He wants to respect her decision to send time with someone else. Valerie has another nightmare, this one about her father coming to tell her a story to help her fall asleep: “Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved her daddy very much. She made her father do all kinds of terrible things.”
Valerie immediately goes to Abby’s hotel for the talk she’s been putting off having with her. She can’t believe Abby was always able to sleep through everything Mr. Malone did to Valerie: She was molested. Abby doesn’t believe her; she and her husband were married for 20 years, so she would have known if he was a molester. Valerie says that Abby could have stopped him. Abby slaps her and tells her to go to Hell, but Val says she’s been there since she was 11.
Kelly wonders why she and Brandon aren’t together if there were truly meant to be. Donna tells her that she still loves David, but she has feelings for Cliff and thinks thing are easier with him. Kelly brings up what I did about how Brandon was with Emily when Kelly was in the fire, and how David was with Chloe when Donna was being held hostage. Donna urges Kelly to tell Brandon how she feels. Kelly points out that they’ve dated other people since they broke up, so they seem to have moved on. If she has to talk to Brandon, Donna has to talk to David.
Clare wants Steve to talk to Ryan about sex instead of just handing over a condom. Steve doesn’t think Clare is the best source for sex education, considering how she handcuffed herself to Brandon’s bed as a teen. Clare decides to initiate the sex talk herself. Brandon talks to Nat about Kelly, saying that she knows how he feels, since he proposed. If she wants to be with him, she knows where to find him.
Abby goes by the After Dark to talk to Tom, and he reveals that he knew Valerie was being molested. Now Abby gets that the accusations are true. Valerie shows up and explains why she never told anyone about the molestation: She thought she’d get into trouble. Plus, Mr. Malone told her that Abby wanted it to happen. Valerie reveals that she only said something because Tom threatened to go to the police. She confronted her father, and he responded by killing himself. Now she feels responsible for her father’s death.
Tracy goes to the beach apartment to tell Kelly that she and Brandon broke up because she found the ring. Tracy wanted to tell Kelly that she’s backing down, and Kelly and Brandon can be together again, but she wants him back. Kelly admits that she still loves him. Tracy’s upset that Kelly gave up her chance and now wants Brandon again. Steve approaches the sex talk with Ryan, but it turns out he doesn’t really need it. He’s relieved to hear that it’s okay if he wants to wait a little while. Kelly comes by to see Brandon, but Steve tells her he left to return the ring.
Chloe gets invited to New York to meet with Luther Vandross’ manager, and she asks David to come along. David doesn’t want to leave Donna back in Beverly Hills, and he definitely doesn’t want to hook up with Chloe and her top that is definitely just a bra. Donna shows up for a talk, and David sends Chloe out of the room but she doesn’t stay out of sight. She comes in with her jacket undone, looking like she was just getting dressed.
As Abby’s packing to return to Buffalo, Valerie arrives to tell her she’ll sign the papers. Now, though, Abby wants to sell the house, knowing what was going on without her knowledge. She feels horrible that she didn’t know what Valerie was going through. The jeweler Brandon bought the ring from two years ago remembers him (whatever) and asks if he wants cash or an exchange. Brandon considers swapping it for a bracelet, but he wants to make sure he and Kelly are really over first.
Outside the store, Brandon runs into Kelly and tells her about returning the ring. She claims to be happy about that decision. She doesn’t think they should get back together. Brandon pretends to agree. At the After Dark, Valerie tells Tom that she wants to leave the past in the past, but looking at him makes her think of her father. She loves him, but she can’t be with him right now. Brandon gives Tracy the bracelet, having returned the ring after all. He has no idea that Kelly bought it.
Thoughts: Why are we suddenly back to Brandon and Kelly? Where did that come from?
I like Tracy, but she needs to calm down. And not just because Brandon’s nowhere near worth it.
They sure waited a long time for the Valerie reveal. I wonder if the molestation storyline was planned all along?
Girl with Ryan, what’s wrong with you?
Chloe doesn’t see what Donna sees in Cliff. Poor girl – she’s blind.
Clare, I’m 99 percent sure Ryan doesn’t want to have the sex talk with his brother’s girlfriend.
April 6, 2014
BH90210 7.19, My Funny Valentine: Love the One You’re Not With
I wonder if Valerie has a reflection…
Summary: Kelly wants to start her and Tom’s first Valentine’s Day together with a jog. He’s not as peppy as she is. Valerie calls, so now Kelly isn’t very peppy either. Val tells Tom that she needs him to meet her at the After Dark right away – her mother’s coming in today. Kelly warns Tom that he’s being used, but he considers this enough of an emergency that he needs to ditch her for Valerie. Val then asks Brandon and Tracy to pick her mother up at the airport so she doesn’t have to be alone with her.
Tracy reminds Brandon that it’s Valentine’s Day and asks what he’s getting her. Apparently a Luther Vandross concert at the After Dark isn’t enough. Donna’s been skipping classes since her trauma with Evan, so Clare tries to cheer her up with a trip to the salon. David arrives with Valentine’s Day goodies, and Donna tries to act cheerful. Dick offers Steve some pot before they play golf together, which is the weirdest combination I’ve ever heard of.
At the After Dark, Valerie complains about her mother visiting. She thinks Abby blames her for her father’s death. As Brandon drives Abby home from the airport, she says that she knows Valerie believes Abby blames her. At the After Dark, David and Chloe meet Luther Vandross (Chloe’s opening for him), who’s giving the concert because he owes Mel a favor.
At the beat apartment, Clare again tries to convince Donna to go to the concert. Suddenly there’s something to make Donna want to put some clothes on and fix herself up a little: Cliff has returned! He wants to spend Valentine’s Day with her. Donna and Cliff go for a walk, and she tells him she has a boyfriend. He says that as long as they’re not on the road to marriage, he still has a shot to win her back.
Brandon takes Abby to the After Dark, which Valerie isn’t happy about. (But when is she happy about anything?) She thinks her mother has an ulterior motive. “Like mother, like daughter,” Brandon says. She calls her mother tough and manipulative, which is exactly how people see Val. Valerie says that’s because of Abby. At the beach apartment, Kelly complains to Clare about Valerie summoning Tom away. She still insists she’s not using him.
David stops by to see Donna, who’s out with Cliff. Kelly and Clare cover for her, but Donna and Cliff arrive as he’s leaving. David’s mad that after days of trying to cheer Donna up, she’s suddenly all better now that Cliff’s there. Cliff promises that he didn’t know Donna had a boyfriend. After he leaves, Donna tells David that she hasn’t been in touch with Cliff for months. David chooses to leave in a snit instead of be happy that she’s better.
At the Walshes’, Abby asks for a fresh start with Valerie, then immediately asks her to sign so she can take out a second mortgage on the family house (which Val owns half off). Valerie’s mad that she just came to town for money. She tells Abby to sell it, but Abby wants to keep it. Valerie would rather see the house burned to the ground – she hates it and she hates her mother for not stopping whatever happened there.
Everyone gathers at the After Dark for the concert. Steve offers Clare some pot, but she wonders why he would think she would be interested. She gives it back to Dick in front of his date, who was under the impression that he’d quit smoking. Clare doesn’t want to hang out with anyone who’s high. Kelly meets up with Tom, who promises that they’ll spend Valentine’s Day together. David and Donna smooth things over.
Brandon and Tracy take Abby to the concert, assuring her that she and Valerie will work things out. Steve goes outside to chat with Dick while he smokes, and gives in to peer pressure. Chloe gives a boring performance, and Donna complains to Kelly about all the time David’s been spending with her. Kelly teases that they should call Cliff to join them tonight.
Valerie picks another fight with Abby, who doesn’t understand why there’s so much animosity. She’s leaving the next morning for a convention, but when she returns in a week, she wants to sit down with Val and work things out. Valerie refuses, saying Abby won’t win her over. Luther performs and all the couples share a moment, except Clare and Steve, since she can tell he’s been smoking.
In the bathroom, Kelly runs into Valerie and notices that she’s not having a very good night. Val says she hopes Kelly and Tom are happy together, but Kelly needs to know something. Tom is the only person who’s ever really loved Valerie. If Kelly really wants to be with him, fine, but if not, she should let him go so he and Valerie can be together, since she really needs him right now. Kelly can tell that Val is being sincere.
Luther sings more. Clare’s mad at Steve. David tells Donna that he’s glad she’s doing better, but he wonders if she tried to get him to leave that morning because she knew Cliff was coming by. Donna assures him again that she hasn’t spoken to Cliff in months. When Chloe pops up, Donna storms off. This is clearly a healthy relationship.
Kelly tells Tom that she’s changed her mind about spending Valentine’s Day with him. She’s not in love with him, but Valerie is. Kelly says she went out with Tom to make Valerie jealous, and though she did eventually develop feelings for him, things didn’t start out right, so she doesn’t think they should stay together.
Donny, Kelly, and Clare go to the Peach Pit for pie and griping about guys. Cliff’s there and asks Donna to go out with him the next night. Donna accepts, so in your face, David. Tom tells Valerie that he and Kelly broke up, then dances with her. He tells her that over the years, he’s tried to get over her, but it’s never worked. There’s kissing.
Brandon tells Tracy that he has a present for her, then leaves to get a drink of water, telling to grab a shirt since it’s cold. She pulls a shirt out of his dresser and finds a ring. Brandon returns with champagne, and that combined with the ring gives Tracy the understandable thought that he’s proposing. Little does she know that the ring is the one he offered to Kelly. Tracy quickly figures that out, so…that’s awkward.
Thoughts: I guess David’s allowed to hang out with Chloe all he wants but Donna’s not allowed to hang out with Cliff? Shut up, David.
Luther Vandross is way too high-class for this show.
Stoned Steve can’t be much different from regular Steve, right?
I would never advocate drug use, but if there’s anyone who could benefit from the mellowing effect of pot, it’s Clare.
March 2, 2014
BH90210 7.14, Jobbed: You Will Never Be as Good as Brandon, So Don’t Even Try
May the best man win. (Spoiler: Mark is not the best man)
Summary: Someone stops by the After Dark looking for Valerie, but David gets suspicious when he won’t explain who he is or why he’s there. Fortunately, he’s not sketchy – he’s Tom, a friend of Valerie’s from Buffalo. On campus there’s a big job fair, which Tracy and Brandon are featuring on the news. They run into Kelly, who tells them she’s just browsing; she plans to get her master’s after graduation. Brandon reveals that he applied for a prestigious fellowship called the Dreyer. Kelly seems concerned. It turns out Mark has also applied for the Dreyer. Oh, no, conflict!
At the Peach Pit, Donna tries to talk to her father about her future after college, and also spend some time with him, since she hasn’t seen him since Christmas. She tells Dr. Martin and David that she’s trying to stay away from the job fair. David tells Donna that a friend of Valerie’s is visiting, probably surprised that she actually has friends. Dr. Martin learns that his receptionist has called in sick and asks Donna to fill in for her for the day.
Clare finds Steve working out at the beach, reminding him that she got him a job interview at a sportswear company. For once, the two of them aren’t fighting. Valerie tells Brandon that she’s invited Tom to stay at the house while he’s in town (but he’ll be staying on the couch). A man from Minnesota finds Brandon, wanting to talk to him about job opportunities. Tracy notes that Valerie considers Tom more than a friend; Val admits that he was her first. Speaking of Tom, when Val calls home to check on him, he tells her he has a surprise for her. It looks like a videotape.
Donna does the receptionist thing, offering some advice for a patient with stomach problems. Dr. Martin asks her to just take messages, not have conversations with the patients. Mark tells Brandon that he’s applying for the Dreyer, offering condolences since he doesn’t think they’ll give fellowships to two people from the same state. Now they’re competing. Later, Mark tells Kelly that he talked to Brandon, but she’s still not thrilled. She thinks Brandon’s at a disadvantage because he doesn’t know as much about the process as Mark, but Mark thinks he’s the underdog, I guess because Brandon’s so great.
Valerie and Tom catch up; he reveals that he got fired from his job and is picking up construction work whenever he can. Hey, it’s like the whole episode has a theme of people looking for jobs! They run into Kelly and Mark, and Val warns Tom not to be fooled by Kelly’s friendliness. Steve goes to his job interview with a woman named Dana who wants coffee and a cigarette while they talk. (So professional.)
Donna gives Dr. Martin a message from a patient, Mrs. Coatsley, mentioning that the woman thinks Dr. Martin’s mad at her. Dr. Martin still doesn’t seem to care about his patients’ personal lives, which is out of character for him. David calls and Donna laments that she’s getting chastised a lot by her father. Steve and Dana move the interview to a café, and when it’s over, she invites him to lounge since she’s done with interviews for the day. Really, though, she just wants to hang out with him. And by “hang out,” I mean “take to bed, which would definitely help him get the job.”
At a mixer for Dreyer applicants, Tracy notices that Brandon’s less confident about the fellowship now that he knows Mark is applying as well. She thinks Brandon should have a leg up on Mark since he was CU’s president. Kelly wishes she’d known earlier that both guys were applying. Brandon tells her to stay out of it. (In a nice way, though.) Mark knows the people in charge of making decisions, but he’s nice enough to make some introductions for Brandon’s benefit, saying he wants to keep the playing field level.
Donna apologizes to Dr. Martin for not being as helpful as he would have liked, but her father feels bad that he made her give up a whole day to work for him. He also didn’t want her to get in a long conversation with Mrs. Coatsley because she only talks about her cats. Donna says that Mrs. Coatsley thinks Dr. Martin is mad at her because she started smoking again. He doesn’t remember her telling him that.
Dr. Martin panics and tells Donna to get Mrs. Coatsley on the phone – the combination of smoking and the medication he just prescribed her could kill her. Dr. Martin wonders if Mrs. Coatsley mentioned taking up smoking again but he wasn’t paying enough attention to hear her. Fortunately, Donna gets the patient on the phone and confirms that she hasn’t taken the new medication yet, so everything’s fine.
After the mixer, Mark and Brandon talk civilly, and Mark even shares a secret to acing the interview. He says they could both get the fellowship. Kelly and Tracy are pleased that their boyfriends are getting along, and that they seem to be happy for their exes’ new relationships. David praises Donna for being so talkative; if she hadn’t chatted with Mrs. Coatsley, she wouldn’t have known about the possible medication disaster. Donna thinks her father should work fewer hours so he’s not as stressed and has more time to listen.
At the Peach Pit, Steve tells Clare that his interview went well – so well that Dana wants to nail him. When he said no, she told him she won’t recommend him for the job. Clare doesn’t believe him, accusing him of lying to cover up the fact that he had a bad interview. Steve shoots back that maybe he should sleep with Dana to get back at Clare.
Mark tells Kelly again that, despite what he said to Brandon earlier, he doesn’t think the Dreyer will go to two people from the same state. Kelly slams Mark for leading Brandon to believe differently, calling him arrogant. Mark complains that there’s a lot of pressure on him because he’s always been expected to get the Dreyer. If Brandon doesn’t get it, his life will still be fine, but Mark has a lot riding on it.
Tom’s surprise for Valerie is a video of them getting ready to go to prom together. They reminisce, but things take a sudden turn when Valerie sees her father on the tape. She has that flashback we’ve seen before of trying to get into the bathroom where her father killed himself. Val tells Tom that he’s the only person who knows what really happened. Tom promises not to tell anyone.
Brandon goes to his Dreyer interview, where he’s asked to talk about his essay topic, the 1987 Minnesota Twins. He explains that the team was his role model when he was a kid because they taught him how to overcome adversity and work as a team. Next Brandon thinks he’s going to get the question Mark told him to prepare for, but instead he’s tasked to compare and contrast John Calvin and Ezekiel the prophet.
Steve meets with Dana again, telling her he’s ready to take her up on her sex offer. First they’ll start at the Condor’s Nest. (Aha! That’s the name of the student union/coffee shop. Good to know.) At the beach apartment, Kelly waits impatiently for news from Mark or Brandon about the Dreyer fellowship. She’s worried that if one gets it and the other doesn’t, things won’t turn out well. Dr. Martin calls Donna to tell her he’s cutting back his hours, as she’d advised. He tells her not to worry about working after college – whoever hires her will be lucky to have her.
At the Condor’s Nest, Steve flirts with Dana, getting her to invite him to bed again. It turns out Clare and Dana’s boss have been sitting nearby, listening to the whole conversation. Dana’s in a lot of trouble. Steve, however, is out of the doghouse with Clare, and he forgives her for not believing him. The Dreyer candidates await their results; Brandon’s nervous but Mark is calm. One of the fellowships goes to a girl from Oregon, and the other goes to…Brandon. I mean, of course. Now Mark has a sad.
At the Peach Pit, the gang celebrates Brandon’s success with a cake. (It’s actually a birthday cake for someone named Bobby; Nat had to improvise. Sorry, Bobby, you’ll have to have pie for your birthday.) Kelly doesn’t know where Mark is. Valerie wants David to let Tom manage the After Dark, but David doesn’t think that’s a good idea.
Kelly runs into Mark outside, and he blames her for his failure because she distracted him by getting him to think about Brandon. He wants to have sex, but Kelly refuses. She’s glad she hasn’t slept with him yet. She tells him he lost the scholarship because he got too arrogant. Mark replies that until she’s ready to sleep with him, she should keep her distance. Kelly’s totally fine with giving up the family money and prestige she could have gotten if she’d stuck with him. Adios, Mark.
Thoughts: Valerie has a cell phone! She’s so cutting edge.
As I think I’ve said before, Donna should definitely have a job where she works with people. She’s really good at making polite, friendly conversation.
Wow, Dana’s hair is really high. It must be full of secrets.
If my interviewer started hitting on me, I’d start looking for hidden cameras.
I hate to admit it, but Brandon’s Twins essay actually sounds good.
Dana: “I have to warn you, it might be an oral.” Steve: (double take). I can’t believe Aaron Spelling okayed that.
‘Bye, Mark! I never liked you!
March 1, 2014
Party of Five 4.8, Sickness, Health/Richer, Poorer: Wedding Bell Blues
Look, Julia! Firefighters! Marry one of them instead!
Summary: Charlie’s up late working on wedding stuff, or so he tells Julia. She admits that she’s nervous about the ceremony. He points out that she’s already married, so it’s not really that big of a deal. Julia asks him to give her away, and of course he agrees. The next day, Charlie and Nina go to a bookstore so he can research a nice quote for a speech at the ceremony. While Nina’s in another section, Charlie looks at a book on cancer therapy.
Bailey hasn’t told his family about his new relationship with Annie yet, but he wants to bring her to the wedding. However, Annie knows she won’t be able to attend without Natalie wanting to come. Griffin’s already fed up with his deal with Howard, so he gives him back the remainder of the money he borrowed. Howard wants interest, too. Nina wants to go away with Charlie that weekend, but he decides it’s time to tell her about his cancer. She’s very positive, assuring him that he’ll recover.
Julia takes Griffin to the museum after hours to show him a painting that describes how she feels about him. But he’s Griffin, so I don’t think he gets it. Then it’s their wedding day, and Griffin tells Julia that he has to go to the garage before the ceremony. He claims he just needs to make sure Reed closed up properly the day before. Meanwhile, Sarah gets ready for the wedding, telling Bailey for the first time that Elliot’s coming as her date. Bailey’s angry, but Sarah says Julia okayed it.
Prep is underway at the Salingers’, and everyone’s very excited. Griffin is still absent, but Ross is there. Claudia wants to get everything on video. Bailey brings both Annie and Natalie, to everyone’s surprise. They’re even more surprised to learn that Annie is 26 and divorced. Charlie disapproves. He takes a call from his doctor but continues to put off all medical-related conversations until the next week. Nina remains optimistic and unconcerned.
Griffin meets with Howard, who’s still controlling him like a puppet. Griffin doesn’t want to do anything that could land him in trouble because he doesn’t want Julia involved. Howard tells him it’s too late, and when Griffin refuses again, Howard punches him. Over at the house, the festivities begin, but the groom is still a no-show. Claudia worries that Griffin’s gotten into an accident. Bailey tells her not to be negative, but she replies, “Have you met our family?” Julia gets a telegram from Joe, even though it’s the ’90s.
Annie discovers that Natalie got into the wedding cake. Julia pretends it’s not a big deal, and Charlie goes into solution mode, saying they can get another cake. But when he goes to make a phone call, he feels sick and has to sit down. Nina finds him and tells him he just needs to delegate some responsibilities! And drink some coffee! And sing a song and dance a jig and pet some kitties! He’ll be fine! Bailey sees Sarah and Elliot being romantic together and gets jealous, since Sarah doesn’t have to deal with a bratty seven-year-old.
Griffin finally arrives, blaming the bruise Howard left him on a belligerent customer. Natalie says she feels bad, which Annie interprets as guilty, but she actually feels nauseous. Julia confronts Griffin, saying she doesn’t believe his story. He’s an hour late, and the incident he described wouldn’t have taken that long. He admits that he’s having some problems with someone he borrowed money from.
Claudia interrupts to ask what she should tell the impatient guests. Then she runs off to find out why Natalie’s yelling. Well, Claud, it’s because she locked herself in the bathroom. As Bailey’s trying to find a tool to free Natalie, Sarah comments that she has a bit of a knack for drawing attention to herself. “You don’t see it, do you?” she says. Ross tries to distract/calm Natalie with the song “High Hopes.” The guests join in as Claudia films everything.
Charlie slips off by himself, and when Nina finds him, she remarks that she guesses the coffee didn’t work. He angrily tells her that he doesn’t have a hangover, he has cancer. He doesn’t think she gets that, or she gets it so much that she’s trying to cover up her fear. Charlie suspects that she’s in denial. Nina encourages him to tell his family that he’s sick today, but Charlie doesn’t want to ruin the wedding. Which…is already ruined, but it’s a good thought.
Julia and Griffin are still discussing his money problems, which she’s shocked to hear have been going on for a couple months. He says he was protecting her, but that doesn’t make her feel better. Griffin thinks she should have trusted him. He complains that Julia always expects him to screw things up. If Howard hadn’t punched him, Griffin would have gotten away with handling everything alone and Julia never would have found out.
Instead of dumping Griffin right then and there for bragging that he would have been able to keep her in the dark about their finances, Julia tells him that since they’re married, they need to be in everything together. She’s been happy for months and he’s been miserable, so “it doesn’t count.” She doesn’t get how they can go down and recite vows in front of everyone when the first time around meant nothing.
Meanwhile, Nina tries to rally Charlie, who has realized that she’s not going to stick around while he’s going through treatment. She asks for some time to get used to things, and to wait and see what happens. He tells her that he needs a decision now – he wouldn’t be able to handle her leaving in the middle of his treatment. Charlie says that there are things you do for people you like, and things you do for people you love. If Nina can’t deal, she needs to leave now.
Another cake arrives while firefighters try to free Natalie from the bathroom. Ross is still singing, this time “Climb Every Mountain” from The Sound of Music. The firefighters take the door off to get Natalie out. Charlie’s like, “This isn’t even the worst thing I’m dealing with right now.” Claudia retrieves Julia and Griffin, and the ceremony finally begins. Charlie tells Julia that he hopes this is everything she wanted. Griffin and Julia skip their personal vows and go for the traditional ones. Not that it really matters, since he’s already broken the “for richer or for poorer” part.
After the festivities are over, Bailey asks Julia about the vows, but she doesn’t explain. He apologizes for Natalie’s behavior, but not for bringing her without asking, which is really the problem. At this point I don’t think Julia really cares, though. She knows Bailey likes Annie, but she doesn’t get their relationship. He notes that Julia and Griffin aren’t the most conventional couple either, but they work. Charlie sees Nina out, asking her why she’s able to nurse birds back to health but can’t handle sticking around for a human in need. “They’re just birds, Charlie,” she tells him.
Griffin promises Julia that things will change, but they might have to make some sacrifices, such as moving out of their nice apartment. Julia knows that she’ll need to get a paying job. Griffin worries that they won’t make it, which is possibly the smartest thing he’s ever said. Julia thinks they will, since they love each other, but he points out that all failed couples start out in love. She refuses to let them become a statistic. Things are bad now, but they can be optimistic about the future. They just need to decide that they’ll make it. They stand at their altar, holding hands, and when she asks if he believes they’ll make it, he says, “I do.”
Thoughts: Hey, Annie, just because Natalie wants to go to a wedding doesn’t mean she gets to go. Get a sitter.
Julia being excited to see Ross is adorable. I don’t know why, it just is.
I like Julia’s dress. It’s nice enough for a fancy occasion, but not so much that it would have been ridiculously expensive for a second wedding.
Hilariously, while Ross is singing, you can hear Natalie in the background, begging for a different song.
There’s, like, an entire orchestra at the wedding. How much money did Charlie spend on this thing?
January 5, 2014
BH90210 7.6, Housewarming: There’s Fire in Them Thar Hills
The thing is, this isn’t even his worst hairstyle ever. General Hospital fans know what I’m talking about
Summary: It’s almost 2 a.m., and Valerie and Kenny are asleep in their secret love nest. She wakes up and realizes that he needs to go home to his soon-to-be-ex-wife. They admit to feeling guilty, and Val accuses Kenny of wanting to have both a wife and a girlfriend. He uses his son’s feelings as an excuse not to leave his wife. Valerie decides that she can’t be the other woman any longer, so she gives Kenny an ultimatum: tell his wife about their affair or lose her as a mistress.
In the morning Valerie makes her way home and tells Brandon that she was with Kenny. Brandon isn’t at all surprised that he hasn’t left his wife yet, and doesn’t think he will. He informs Val (and reminds us) that he himself was once involved with a married woman. (Yeah, but she did leave her husband.) David’s throwing a party at his and Mark’s place, and Donna insists that she won’t be jealous if their hot, bikini-clad friends show up. Clare’s fine with Steve checking out other women as long as he keeps his hands to himself.
On their way to the party, Donna and Clare come across a couple deer. Apparently they’re a rare sight in the hills. Kelly’s already at the party, and David asks her why she keeps turning Mark down for dates. She says the timing isn’t right yet. Brandon and Tracy arrive, and though she decides to stick with nonalcoholic beverages (probably since she had enough right before her first broadcast), others have already started drinking at 11 a.m.
Steve asks David to introduce him to his hot neighbors while a cute guy makes eyes at Clare. Donna’s surprised that she hasn’t met the guy, Dick Harrison, since they’re both smarties. Dick flirts with Clare, but she shuts him down by telling him she has a boyfriend. Steve, however, is hitting it off with a girl named Theresa, even putting sunscreen on her. Clare catches him, and somehow, they don’t get into a fight.
Kenny calls Valerie and asks her to meet him at their love nest. Val thinks he’s going to tell her that he told his wife about them. David and Donna hang out, as do Mark and Kelly. Steve saves Theresa from a big, scary spider, and she rewards him with a kiss. Even though he’s freaked out about it, Clare can only see their lips pressed together. Brandon teaches Tracy all the former and current relationships among the gang. She notes that the only person she hasn’t met yet is Kelly.
There’s smoke coming up the hill, and Muntz tells Brandon that he passed a bunch of fire trucks on his way to the party. Mark notes that the hills haven’t burned for 40 years, which means there’s a lot of burnable material. Valerie meets Kenny, who tells her that, yes, he and his wife are officially through. The hills are slowly being evacuated, and though Mark and David’s canyon isn’t yet, Mark thinks everyone needs to leave in an orderly fashion. Brandon notes that Kelly is a little freaked out, thanks to her past experience with fire.
David’s sick from all the drinking he’s done at the party, so he’s not present when Mark sends all the party guests home. Donna pretends to be helpful. Steve and Clare fight, and when Dick asks if he can call her sometime, she says yes. As the fire spreads and firefighters get to work, Brandon and Tracy try to help everyone leave the party. Brandon gets distracted by Kelly, who’s having PTSD flashbacks to the first fire. She’s also mad at him for not being there for him that time. (Thanks a lot, Emily!)
Mark finds Kelly in her car and offers to drive her home, but she tells him to stay. Then she decides to stay as well and help the rest of the gang protect the house from the fire. A firefighter reaches them and recommends evacuation; when Mark won’t leave, he asks for Mark’s next of kin. He tells the gang that they’ll try to cover, but they can’t guarantee everyone’s safety. Even Steve thinks it’s a bad idea to stay, and if Steve thinks your idea is bad, it probably is.
David joins the rest of the gang, then goes to get some tequila, since drinking more is obviously the solution to all of his problems. Hey, David, why don’t you give the fire some tequila, too? Donna and Clare spot one of the deer they saw earlier, and Donna worries that since it’s a baby, it needs help. Kenny has to go to work (on a Saturday? Why do you keep believing everything he says, Val?) but plans to meet up with Valerie again that night.
The firefighter returns to Mark and David’s house to let the gang know that the winds have shifted, so the fire probably won’t reach the house. Now, though, Donna’s missing. Everyone heads off to find her as she wanders through the brush in search of the baby deer. She trips and falls down a hill, hurting her knee. But at least the deer wants to be friends. Kenny calls Valerie to tell her that his wife’s lawyer is already making big moves, so he has to play things safe. That means no date tonight, which means a very angry Valerie.
Donna calls for help and tries to comfort the deer. The deer is like, “Do you have any food? No? Then I don’t think I care about you.” David blames himself for not babysitting the grown woman while he was puking up his guts. Donna’s found by a group of firefighters led by a cute one named Cliff Yeager. Donna starts thinking that it was worth it to have to be rescued. They even get to make eyes at each other on the local news.
The gang goes to dinner at the Peach Pit, where Tracy asks Kelly why she and Brandon broke up. Kelly and Clare just tell her that no one’s perfect. Tracy meets Nat. Clare and Steve pick up their fight where they left off, then decide to FINALLY BREAK UP, HALLELUJAH, CUE THE CHOIR OF ANGELS. Kelly tries to apologize to Brandon for being mad, but he doesn’t hold it against her.
Mark tells Brandon that he asked Kelly out, implying that they’re actually going to go out. Then he asks Kelly out yet again. She jokes that she’ll have to ask Brandon’s permission. Nat tells Brandon not to let Kelly get away like he let Joan get away. STAY OUT OF IT, NAT. David takes Donna home, promising to be a better friend. She’s all, “Please leave so I can dream about my hunky firefighter savior.” Valerie surprises Kenny at his office and drops a bombshell in the form of a positive pregnancy test.
Thoughts: Cliff is played by soap actor Greg Vaughan (formerly Diego on The Young and the Restless and the third Lucky on General Hospital; currently Eric on Days of Our Lives). I don’t think he’s aged since this episode aired.
Dick is played by ’90s mainstay Dan Gauthier.
The chancellor teaches an economics course? Is that normal for a chancellor?
Brandon, please don’t ever say “what’s the haps?” again.
'90s Flashback 