January 9, 2016
Summary: Donna’s spending the evening at home, eating ice cream and talking to Felice on the phone. She insists that she’s not feeling sorry for herself just because she’s not dating anyone. Felice asks after David, and Donna says he’s still dating Camille. Kelly and Matt come home during the conversation and barely make it to the bedroom before starting to fool around. Donna’s like, “Great, everyone’s in a happy relationship except me.” Also, the walls in the bedrooms are really thin.
Donna turns on David’s radio show, where a guy’s complaining about how much women talk. The theme for the night is sexual fantasies, which David will rate for each caller. Camille calls in to talk about having sex in public. Donna’s night isn’t looking up at all. Why doesn’t she go hang out with her mom?
At the Peach Pit the next day, Kelly tells Steve and Janet about an ad campaign she’s working on for a guy named Borst who sells sausage. She asks if she can use Maddy for the campaign, but Steve doesn’t like the idea of his daughter becoming a child actress. Janet notes that Maddy can eventually use the money for college. She overrides Steve and agrees to the ad. Outside, Kelly runs into Dylan and Matt, who are planning a road trip that weekend. Kelly wonders what they’ll talk about, since she’s the only thing they have in common.
Donna tries to ignore happy couples at the boutique. She tells Camille she heard her on the radio, then almost gets a repeat performance when David calls to set up a date with Camille. Borst looks over the prospects for the commercial baby, easily settling on Maddy. “She’s lead bun,” another mother tells Janet. Janet’s proud.
At the After Dark, a customer named Ellen orders a martini but gets served a soda. Noah recognizes her from AA and doesn’t want to serve her alcohol. David swings by the boutique to pick up Camille, but she has to work late unexpectedly. David has a different idea, closing the doors and turning off the lights so they can have sex right there in the store.
Noah drives Ellen home, having stopped her from compromising her sobriety. He reminisces about his time on the ocean and suggests that they spend the night hanging out at the beach. Donna goes to the boutique after hours and catches David and Camille half-naked. Janet’s time on the commercial set has taken from her work responsibilities, but she thinks Maddy’s “career” is more important. She’s also baking cookies for someone in the front office. Steve tells her she’s out of control.
Noah and Ellen spent all night talking and falling luuuuuuuuv. When he takes her home, she asks him to stay with her. Camille tries to smooth things over with Donna, who’s disinfecting the floor of the boutique. Camille tells David that Donna’s overreacting because she wants him back. David argues that he didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah, sweetie, she didn’t say you did. Camille can’t believe that David doesn’t see what’s going on.
Borst wants to retool the ad, so Maddy’s no longer needed. Janet’s upset that her daughter’s losing her chance at a big break. Kelly tries to cheer her up by telling her the cookies were a big hit. Donna summons Kelly to the Peach Pit to tell her how uncomfortable things are at the boutique now. Kelly tells her to chill – as long as Donna doesn’t tell David how she feels, he’s free to see other people.
Speaking of Donna’s exes, Noah introduces Ellen to Donna and Kelly. Kelly talks Donna up, then leaves. The ensuing conversation between Donna and Ellen is even more awkward than the situation between Donna and Camille. Dylan and Matt head off on their road trip, which I think is just an excuse for Luke Perry and Daniel Cosgrove to ride dirt bikes. They come across a campground in the desert and are invited to a party.
Donna eats her feelings at the Peach Pit, trying to be happy that Noah’s found a nice new girlfriend. A dirt biker named Amy gives Matt a drink that he doesn’t realize has been spiked with acid. This sounds familiar. Noah finds Ellen at the Beverly Royale, where she’s been served a real martini. She thinks Donna disapproves of their relationship, and she doesn’t get why Noah would want to be with her, since she’s a loser temp. Noah reveals that he got Ellen a permanent job. Yay, all her problems are solved!
Kelly doesn’t like the way Borst’s ad has turned out, and she feels really bad that Janet and Maddy got shut out of it. She thinks Janet should come see what’s going on. In the desert, a delightfully stoned Matt thanks Dylan for arranging such an awesome trip. Janet visits the commercial set, where Steve has been cast as a Viking. Cue the sausage double entendres. Steve could end up in a national campaign, which thrills him. “I’m the Sausage King!” he cries.
David goes by the boutique to talk to Donna about what Camille thinks is going on with them. Instead, they reminisce about a high school dance they went to together, and Donna says that they’ve changed a lot since then. David decides not to bring up Camille’s suspicions that Donna wants him back.
In the desert, Matt tries to network while shirtless. He gets more punch, exclaiming, “I don’t do drugs!” and giggling when Amy tells him the secret ingredient. Dylan tells another partygoer that he and Matt are in love with the same woman, and Matt’s going to marry her. While the partygoer shows Dylan her tent, Matt and Amy start making out.
The next morning, Dylan’s happy and Matt is confused that there’s a woman in his sleeping bag who’s not his fiancée. Steve wears his Viking helmet around the house and is sad to hear that Borst changed his mind again. There are more sausage double entendres. Janet confiscates Steve’s hat. Dylan and Matt head home, trying to downplay the fact that Matt slept with Amy. When Matt gets back to the beach apartment, he doesn’t say a word about it to Kelly.
Thoughts: Ellen is played by Heidi Noelle Lenhart, who was on one of my favorite shows as a kid, California Dreams. (Think Saved by the Bell with singing.) Borst is played by Gary Grubbs.
Maddy is super-adorable, in or out of a hot dog costume.
Why would you introduce a new love interest for the show’s most boring character when there are only six episodes left? In other news, there are only six episodes left!
High Matt makes me happy. I mean, yeah, drugs are bad, stay in school, kids, but really, it’s entertaining.
November 21, 2015
Summary: Matt’s been using his suspension from practicing law to work out a lot. David and Donna, both single now, have been spending time together but would like Matt to introduce them to new love interests. Kelly asks Matt to give legal advice to a janitor named Everardo who lost his job after being injured. Dylan and Gina go to a club opening that’s apparently a big event (Jennifer Lopez is there). Dylan and Josie make eyes at each other, but he assures Gina that he doesn’t care about her. They get their picture taken together for the paper, and Gina gets mad when Dylan says their status is “unknown.”
The next day, Gina complains to Donna and Kelly about Dylan’s behavior. Donna mentions that the boutique’s lease is almost up, so she and Kelly need to discuss resigning. Then she tells Gina to feel free to set her up with someone. A guy named Jerry comes in to use the phone, and Donna seems interested, so all Gina has to do to help is hand over Donna’s phone number. Janet interviews nannies while Steve, David, and Matt work on an alien-autopsy story for the Beverly Beat. After the candidate, Darby, leaves, Janet says she’s not getting the job because she’s too cute. Steve quickly guesses that Janet worries that he’ll fool around with Darby.
Kelly makes Dylan talk to her at the Peach Pit, telling him that Donna and David want to go up to the Hollywood sign. Dylan would rather be anywhere else right now. Kelly’s chased off when Gina arrives and shows Dylan that their picture in the paper might lead to a job as a spokesperson. She wants to hang out at the After Dark, even though they might not be alone. Matt meets with Everardo, warning that he only has two days before the statue of limitations runs out on his case. Since Matt’s still on suspension, he can’t take the case. Everardo’s upset that no lawyers are helping him.
Jerry stands Donna up, so she returns home to talk to Kelly about the boutique’s lease. She can tell Kelly isn’t that enthusiastic about staying on at the store. She remembers how the two of them and Brenda tried so hard to get matching schedules their junior year of high school. Now it looks like Kelly and Donna will be going separate ways again. But they’re still looking forward to the future, since there are still good things to come. And they’ve been friends for so long that they know they’ll stay in each other’s lives.
Janet and Steve interview another nanny, this one old enough to be a grandmother. Janet loves her, but soon changes her attitude when the woman talks about smudging the nursery to keep out demons. Steve doesn’t think they have time to look at more résumés, so Janet reluctantly agrees to hire Darby. David lands a date with a lawyer named Chrissy (Donna’s awestruck), which just makes Donna’s non-date with Jerry hurt even more. Jerry turns up with an excuse for why he stood Donna up, but she doesn’t want to hear it. David encourages her to give Jerry a second chance.
Kelly tells Matt that she’s leaving the boutique, and though she appreciates Donna’s support, she doesn’t know what to do with her life. Matt admits that he’s taking Everardo’s case despite his suspension. Kelly thinks she should go back to the boutique so they have some security. Matt’s like, “No, everything’s fine! Nothing will go wrong!” Gina and Dylan go out with Noah, Josie, and Shane, but things quickly get tense when Dylan bans Josie from doing drugs in their limo. Josie sprays everyone with champagne instead.
At the After Dark, Noah avoids David, who’s there with Chrissy. Gina whines that she doesn’t want to go in while she’s all wet, so Dylan gives the driver $1,000 to let them borrow the limo for a joyride. Donna and Jerry are off to a good start, but he pauses the date to take a call. Gina tells Dylan that his and Noah’s friends are just using him because he has money. Dylan doesn’t care – he’s sick of everyone else criticizing him all the time. His new friends don’t expect anything from him. The limo gets pulled over, and when the cops check it out, they find Josie’s cocaine and arrest Dylan and Gina.
The next day, Chrissy visits Matt to tell him that David told her he took Everardo’s case. Matt tries to downplay his involvement, but Chrissy knows better. She’s on the Bar Association’s ethics committee, and she doesn’t want to have to report him. Dylan and Gina have been at the police station all night, and since Matt’s on suspension, they don’t currently have a lawyer. A cop offers to go easy on them if they give him the name of their coke-using friend, who’s been trafficking. Dylan asks for an hour.
Steve and Janet meet with Darby at the Peach Pit, trying to get her to loosen up and stop calling them Mr. and Mrs. Sanders. It turns out she went to CU. She meets Noah, and the two of them are immediately attracted to each other. Steve pulls Noah aside to try to get him to keep his distance from Darby. Noah calms him down, though Steve has some rules for appropriate dating behavior. Darby tells Janet that she’s a little nervous about the date, so Janet reminds her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to.
Dylan goes to the After Dark to yell at Noah for hanging out with drug dealers. Noah gives up Josie’s name, revealing that Dylan slept with her. Kelly’s heard about the arrest and expresses concern, but Dylan doesn’t want to hear it. Later, Matt meets Kelly at the boutique, having successfully gotten Everardo a settlement. He hears a message from Donna mentioning that Kelly has put her name on the boutique’s lease after all. Now she’s locked in for three more years. She admits that she got cold feet about leaving. Matt urges her to stop seeing change as a bad thing.
Donna goes on another date with Jerry, but a romantic dance is interrupted by a woman slapping him and accusing him of cheating. It turns out Jerry’s married. Donna gives him a couple of slaps herself. The Bar Association has been notified that Matt represented Everardo, so he’s going to be reported. His suspension is upped, but Matt doesn’t seem to care. Kelly tells him her discomfort with how everyone in her group of friends is growing up and changing. She knows that clinging to the boutique is her way of trying to keep something the same, and she needs to let go.
David and Donna are back to being single; he doesn’t want to date the woman who ratted out Matt. But it looks like they’re having enough fun just hanging out with each other. Steve and Janet are pleased with Darby, and already feel like she’s part of the family. Darby’s on her date with Noah, and having a great time. He offers to take her home in the limo, and I don’t think he’s going to stick to Steve’s instructions to keep his hands to himself. Dylan lets Gina know that the charges against them have been dropped, but that doesn’t make her happy. Thanks to a news article about their arrests, Gina’s job offer has been rescinded.
Dylan heads to his own suite, where Shane’s waiting for him. He knows Dylan gave the police Josie’s name. Steve’s still up when Noah and Darby’s limo finally makes it to the Walshes’ house two hours past when Darby was supposed to be home. And yeah, they hooked up. After Darby goes upstairs, Noah tells Steve that she likes to use chocolate and whipped cream during sex. She was also on CU’s gymnastics team. That reminds Steve of a girl he hooked up with in college. Hey, guess what? That was Darby. Ruh-roh!
Thoughts: Ian Ziering directed this episode. Good for him.
The reminiscing in this episode makes me think that at this point they knew the show wouldn’t be coming back for another season.
Do Steve and Janet really need a live-in nanny?
Donna: “I noticed you forgot to date it next to your signature, so I fudged it myself. Is that illegal?” This episode has all kinds of rule-breakers.
September 7, 2015
Summary: The gang hangs out at the After Dark, where David complains that he has no exciting plans for his 24th birthday. The guys notice that Janet’s breasts are looking a little fuller. They don’t notice that she’s drinking mineral water because she’s pregnant. After Janet leaves, Steve decides that Janet had a boob job. Dylan offers to take a longer look if Steve needs confirmation. He thinks she didn’t tell Steve about the surgery because she doesn’t want him to think she’s vain. Steve thinks she’s trying to improve something about herself because she’s not happy.
Donna sighs as Noah does some flirting with Cherise. Janet and Kelly try to convince her that it’s not a big deal. They think she should tell Noah that Wayne is now out of the picture. Donna thinks the relationship is beyond repair. Matt asks Kelly to dance, but she’s clearly uncomfortable with close physical contact. He assures her that he’s not going to pressure her into anything she’s not ready for. She tells him they need to hold off until she feels safe again.
The next day, Dylan goes by David’s house to finish paying off his share of the rent. David rejects his thousand-dollar check, thinking Dylan’s trying to use money to get himself out of the mess with Gina. Dylan argues that he was getting back together with his girlfriend, so David has no place to object. Kelly calls to tell David that their annual family dinner is on. David’s still annoyed by his lack of exciting birthday plans. THEN MAKE SOME YOURSELF AND SHUT UP. Dylan leaves, having written out another check.
The gang is actually planning a big surprise party for David. Janet ducks out of planning, making Steve think that she’s trying to avoid him. Kelly assures him that Janet isn’t trying to break up with him. Donna chimes in, promising that Janet only spent the previous night with them because they got home late from the club. Kelly tells Janet that Steve is suspicious, so she needs to start announcing her pregnancy. Janet’s now far enough along that she’s felt the baby moving. Donna joins them, and Janet lets her in on her news. Donna and Kelly think Steve will be happy. They invite Janet to move in permanently.
A girl named Lucy is being escorted out of the Beverly Royale when she runs into Dylan. Dylan knew her when she was a kid; she’s now a teenager, at least. She’s also high and in the midst of being arrested. Dylan tries to advocate for her, but the cop who arrested her found joints in her room. Steve and Janet have a picnic together, but he worries that this is their last date before he gets dumped. Then he thinks she’s just going to tell him she got breast implants. Janet decides this is a bad time to tell him he’s going to be a father.
Dylan approaches Matt about Lucy, who, like him, raised herself at the hotel because her parents were always away. Matt confides that Lucy was found with so much crystal meth that she could be charged with trafficking. At the beach apartment, Kelly and Donna continue encouraging Janet to tell Steve about her pregnancy. After all, he used to date someone who had a child. Gina shows up to give Janet her key, and Donna realizes that they didn’t invite her to David’s party. Kelly lets her decide if they should tell her about it. Donna decides to do the nice thing.
Dylan bails Lucy out of jail, then lectures her about making poor decisions. He thinks she should go back to school. Lucy remembers watching Dylan get stoned and talk to girls about philosophy when he was in high school. She always wished he would talk to her. Then she wished she could be like him. Donna tries to talk to Noah about David’s party, quickly realizing that he’s not willing to have a civil conversation with her about anything. He doesn’t want to listen to her apologies.
David spots Gina in the midst of getting picked up by a guy and gives some broad advice on the radio about not being dumb. When she confronts him in his booth, he accuses her of using him to make Dylan jealous. She points out that he acted like her friend, which he knew she needed, but apparently wanted something else in return. That makes him the fake, not her.
Kelly and Matt hang out at the beach apartment, still a little awkward. Matt wants her to see her intimacy issues as theirs, not just hers. He wants to understand how she feels. She compares it to having your apartment robbed. Things don’t feel right even after the robber is caught. Matt insists that Kelly will get better. He has some ideas of how to help her.
Steve and Janet work late at the paper, and without any build-up, she finally tells him she’s pregnant. “That’s…unexpected,” he replies. She tells him she’s having the baby with or without him. Steve wishes he’d told her sooner so he could go to the doctor with her. Then he finds out that she’s known for months and is 16 weeks along. He’s unhappy that they’ve spent every day of the past three months together and she didn’t say anything. Janet lectures Steve about right and wrong all the time but has made big decisions behind his back.
At the Beverly Royale, Steve shares the news with the guys, not realizing that Gina’s listening from the next room. She thinks Matt can get Steve out of any responsibility. She points out that Janet might not even want money from Steve. Dylan reminds Steve that Janet is his girlfriend, so he can’t just ditch her. David thinks Steve should stay out of his child’s life if he’s not going to be involved regularly. Dylan starts to object, so David tells him to shut up – Steve’s young and doesn’t have Dylan’s millions. Dylan, unlike Steve, has no responsibilities.
David storms out, so Noah takes advantage of his absence to tell the others that Christina Aguilera will be at the club for David’s surprise party. This is the first Gina’s heard of it. She’s upset that David’s mad at her because of Dylan, but she’s not invited to the party while Dylan is. Dylan reminds her that he and David have known each other for ten years. He needs to fix things between the guys, and Gina being there won’t help. And it’s not like Gina would want to go anyway.
Matt gives Kelly a book about intimacy after trauma and asks her to go to the author’s seminar with him. But they go to the wrong seminar – this one is about overcoming shyness. The first activity is using their necks to pass oranges to other people. It looks like it might be a good first step for Kelly, but it’s not. At the Beverly Beat, Janet tries to explain to Steve why she held off on telling him about the baby. He’s mad that they no longer have options to discuss. She thinks that means he would have told her to have an abortion, but he says he just wanted more time to process it.
Matt takes an orange from the seminar and asks Kelly to try the task again. This time it works. He asks her to tell him what she wants him to do. Kelly likes how he used to unconsciously drape an arm around her; now she can’t stand being touched. She warns him to never sneak up behind her. But she would like him to hold her and make her feel safe, so he does.
Dylan meets Lucy again, and it sounds like Matt got her charges dropped. She claims she’s done with drugs, but he can tell she’s high. She’s annoyed that he keeps bugging her about college. Lucy says she’ll go to college when Dylan does. He invites her to an NA meeting with him, but she notes that he used to go to AA, and here he is, drinking. Dylan tells her that some alcoholics can handle a drink. Yeah, maybe not the right thing to say to a teen addict who probably thinks she can “handle” a little meth.
Gina calls David, asking him to come help her with a flat tire. Then she punctures her own tire. Oh, Gina. Dylan gives Lucy a college course catalog, telling her that he’s called her bluff and reenrolled. She agrees to look through the catalog. Dylan’s annoyed that she backed him into this corner. Kelly goes to get David for his surprise party, but he’s out rescuing Gina from her fake emergency. When she calls, Gina answers and pretends it’s a wrong number.
Kelly joins everyone else at the After Dark, reporting that Gina intercepted the birthday boy. David left a message for Kelly telling her that he went to help Gina with a flat. Janet wonders if they can cut the cake without him. Steve admits that the guys accidentally let Gina in on the party plans. “Why am I supposed to hate her again?” he asks. Gina tries to get David to hang out with her, which David doesn’t get. He knows she called him because she knew he would help. He wants to say this is the last time, but he’ll always be willing to help her. Gina convinces him to let her take him for a drink.
Some up-and-comer named Christina Aguilera performs at the club, where the gang decides the party is a bust. However, Gina has brought David there, having decided to do something nice for once. She tells him she likes who she is with him. David thanks her with a kiss, then says, “Too bad you’re not with me.” Gina sends him inside ahead of her, shaken by the turn of events (and also not wanting to go to the party). He’s confused when she drives off. Things become clear when he goes inside and realizes his friends are waiting for him.
Kelly and Janet demand a speech, so David says that he’s a little embarrassed, but also touched. They’ve been friends for a long time and have done so many things together. He thought he was going to spend the evening with his family, and in a weird way, that’s what happened. Christina sings again and I hit fast-forward. As the gang cuts the cake, David tells Dylan that he was with Gina, and things are better between them. They seem to be better between the guys, too.
Janet storms into the men’s room to yell at Steve for getting her pregnant. Also, it happened while they were camping. She admits that she wishes she’d told him sooner. If he doesn’t want the baby, she’ll understand and won’t ask him for anything. Now he gets to make a choice. Dylan goes home to Gina, praising her for doing something good with David. Lucy drops by, struggling with withdrawal, and asks Dylan to take her to rehab the next morning. After, she’ll be going to school on the East Coast. They agree to keep each other apprised of their grades. At the Walshes’, Steve shoots baskets in the middle of the night, telling Matt he hasn’t decided what to do yet.
Thoughts: Again I ask: Why is Noah on this show? He only really talks to Donna, and he barely does that. It’s like he’s on a completely different show.
I love Janet and all, but she should have told Steve about the baby earlier. I’m sure he would have freaked out, but he would have calmed down after a little while.
Finally, someone called Dylan on his drinking! Thanks, drug addict who hasn’t seen him for years!
Aww, it’s itty-bitty young Christina Aguilera from the “Genie in a Bottle” era. This show is like a time machine.
September 1, 2015
Summary: If you remember way back to Good-bye, Elizabeth, Liz has just decided to stay in Sweet Valley instead of following Scott to Denver. She and Tom are now back together. Also, Jessica and Nick are still dating but having some trouble because he doesn’t want to be a cop anymore. Jess thinks he’s boring now that he wants to go to college and become a lawyer. So when Jess meets bad boy Clay DiPalma, she’s more than a little interested.
Isabella also meets Clay, though she’s not interested in him romantically. He flirts with her while she’s helping out with a Theta fundraiser, even after she tells him she has a boyfriend. Said boyfriend, by the way, has suddenly become a huge jerk. He sees Isabella and Clay together and Hulks out, basically accusing her of cheating on him. They make up, because Isabella has more patience than I do, but fight again when Isabella asks Danny to go to a frat party that all the Thetas have to attend. He only agrees to go so he can make sure she doesn’t hook up with any other guys.
Clay also flirts with Jessica, who, unlike Isabella, doesn’t mention that she has a boyfriend. Nick catches them talking and also Hulks out, punching Clay in the face. Now Jessica’s interest in Nick is rekindled – who wouldn’t want to be with a tough guy who punches other men? This is all very Jess/Rory/Dean, only without Nick dropping Jessica at the tail end of a dance marathon.
Clay shows up at the frat party, and since Danny’s being a drag, Isabella’s now interested. Nick tells her and Jessica that Clay is clearly bad news, which just makes Isabella want to get to know him more. She starts dancing with a bunch of guys, so Danny tries to get her to leave, because clearly this kind of behavior means she’s a slut. When Isabella refuses to go, Danny storms off. Isabella starts drinking, then smokes a cigarette with Clay, even though she doesn’t smoke.
This is where things go pear-shaped. Clearly there’s something in the cigarette other than tobacco, because Isabella starts hallucinating. She thinks monsters are after her, so she runs upstairs and jumps off a balcony. This is probably the best anti-drug PSA any Sweet Valley book has ever presented. Jessica and Lila find Isabella unconscious on the lawn and are understandably panicked. They tell Nick that they saw her with Clay, who has since disappeared, and Nick figures out that Clay must have put drugs in the cigarette. Tests confirm that the cigarette was laced with PCP.
Isabella spends the rest of the book unconscious, in danger of slipping into a coma. Danny’s upset, of course – but with Isabella herself, not just with the situation. If she hadn’t been whoring it up and smoking, everything would be fine. At one point he literally says that she got what she deserved. If what she deserved was the realization that she shouldn’t be with a jealous, possessive jerk, then yes, she got what she deserved.
Isabella’s condition starts affecting Danny’s grades, because he’s still doing schoolwork even though his girlfriend is at death’s door. His biochemistry professor is especially unsympathetic. Danny accidentally takes a copy of a big exam coming up, but returns it to her without looking at it, even though it could save his grade. The professor accuses him of stealing the test and threatens to fail him. Danny’s like, “Another thing Isabella screwed up for me.” Hey, Danny? Shut up.
Other people involved in this storyline are focusing less on Isabella’s behavior and more on bringing Clay to justice. Even though he’s technically off the police force, Nick decides to do some investigating on his own. He ties Clay to a big-time drug dealer responsible for all the drugs in Sweet Valley. Jessica pressures him into trying to take down Clay by himself, since the cops at the SVPD aren’t qualified. Shh, Jess. I mean, she’s not wrong, but this is still a bad idea.
Jessica proves to be a pretty good investigator herself, calling a friend who tells her where Clay bought a motorcycle he was talking about at the party. Through the motorcycle shop, Nick gets Clay’s phone number and pretends he wants to buy drugs. To no one’s surprise, Jessica wants to come along on the sting. Also to no one’s surprise, Nick is unable to convince her to stay away, so the two of them head to a run-down house to meet Clay.
Nick goes inside while Jessica listens at a window. Clay, who happens to be high, knows that Nick is a cop. He knocks Nick out, then decides to shoot him. Then he changes his mind and just leaves while Nick goes in and out of consciousness. I guess this is supposed to be a cliffhanger ending?
In other news, Elizabeth and Tom are super-happy to be back together, especially with Scott halfway across the country. Scott keeps trying to contact Liz, though, telling her how great things are in Denver and how she should regret not coming with him. But it turns out that Scott has been expelled from the DCIR for plagiarism, fabricating sources, and altering his transcript. Awesome. Elizabeth is very relieved that she stayed in Sweet Valley.
But there’s trouble in paradise. Tom has a deep, dark secret that makes him feel guilty through the whole book. At the end of the book, Elizabeth learns what it is. She finds a half-empty box of condoms in Tom’s room and realizes that he and Dana must have had sex. Oh, no! Two consenting adults with romantic feelings for each other had protected sex! It’s a scandal!
Thoughts: The title Sneaking In makes no sense. No one sneaks in anywhere.
This book is supposed to take place just a couple weeks after Good-bye, Elizabeth. Does that mean the last five books never happened? Then why did I have to read them?
“I’m used to Danny’s insane jealousy.” Sounds like a healthy relationship to me! Also, since when is Danny insanely jealous? He always seemed pretty normal to me.
Going to a drug deal with only Jessica as backup puts Nick in the running for dumbest cop ever. Which explains why he worked for the SVPD.
I assume Tom wasn’t a virgin before he and Elizabeth started dating, so what does it matter if he slept with Dana? He didn’t cheat on Liz. Why does she care?
May 31, 2015
Summary: Donna’s okay, but Kelly’s still shaken up, and she’s not happy that Matt didn’t do more to rein in Dylan. Matt reminds her that their conversations fell under attorney-client privilege. He points out that Dylan’s actions are his own responsibility. David, Steve, and Noah corner Dylan to confront him for his drug use and his recent behavior. They want to help him, but Dylan thinks he can handle things on his own. Donna shows up and assures Dylan that she knows he didn’t mean to hurt her. She convinces him to let the gang help him.
Janet and some hot guy named Trey bring their dogs to the Beverly Beat, announcing that they’re going to mate. Steve thinks they mean themselves, not the dogs. He’s jealous at first but gives them her blessing. She asks him to watch her dog, Georgia, to keep her away from Trey’s dog until it’s time for them to mate. I wouldn’t trust Steve with a pet rock, let alone a dog, but okay. Kelly tries to freeze Gina out of the gang’s plans for Dylan, since she’s mishandled things so far.
A singer named Clara is playing at the After Dark, and she mentions to Noah that the dress she’s supposed to wear to the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards is hideous. Noah advises her to get in touch with Donna. Steve takes Georgia to a dog park, where he flirts with another dog owner. The gang gets Dylan into a methadone clinic, and Kelly recommends that he get rid of his physical cravings through rapid detox. Gina attempts to be helpful but no one cares what she has to say. Matt reminds Dylan that he’s facing ten years for drug possession.
Steve makes plans with the dog owner, then finally turns his attention back to Georgia. Too bad he’s too late to stop Georgia from mating with a mutt. Noah takes Clara to the boutique to see if she likes Donna’s style. Donna’s nervous about Clara wanting her to design a dress because that could launch her into a huge career. Clara does, indeed, want a Donna Martin original. She also wants Noah. Dylan sneaks out in the middle of the night, and in the morning, no one knows where he is. They all split up to search.
Noah can’t believe Donna’s so forgiving of Dylan that she’s willing to go look for him. He tells her that Clara asked him to be her date to the awards, and Donna says it’s okay. Kelly and Matt go to the beach, since she and Dylan once made a pact to meet up there in case something ever happened. She apologizes again for blaming Matt for Dylan’s behavior, and Matt asks her to stop blaming Gina as well. After all, Dylan’s the only one who’s going to have to defend himself in court.
Janet learns that Georgia’s mating session hasn’t been successful. Steve has to confess what happened in the dog park, blaming Georgia for not listening when he told her to sit. Dylan goes through withdrawal on the beach while everyone continues searching for him. Gina blames herself, since she’s known about his addiction for so long. David says that Dylan would have gotten high no matter what Gina did to try to help him. Gina admits that she wasn’t completely helpful, since she provided the drugs that Dylan got high off of at the barbecue.
Kelly tries to smooth things over with Matt, feeling bad that her past keeps coming up. He’s fine with her being friends with her exes, but the way he talks about them makes her feel like she has to choose sides. Matt says that he feels like she already has. They find Dylan on the porch at the beach apartment, begging for help. They take him to the hospital, where he undergoes rapid detox. Donna leaves to work on Clara’s dress, and there’s a really nice scene where David is sweet and supportive of her possible big break.
Kelly and Matt bicker, and then he leaves. Gina takes his place, upset that no one told her that Dylan was found. She blasts Kelly for taking care of her boyfriend. Kelly says that Dylan asked her, not Gina, for help, and it’s not like Gina’s been so helpful recently. Gina announces that she’s not going anywhere, so Kelly needs to get used to it. Steve takes Janet to the dog park to find the mutt Georgia mated with. He calls her shallow for not thinking the mutt is a good match for Georgia. Janet meets the woman who distracted Steve and is like, “Now who’s shallow?”
Donna finishes the dress while Matt tries to make a deal with Dylan’s prosecutor. He argues that there wasn’t really an assault (I guess it’s legal to hold people at gunpoint in their own home?), and the police had not probable cause to search his motorcycle for drugs. The prosecutor is willing to drop the possession charge but not the assault charge. Matt asks for a second chance for the guy whose wife and father died right in front of him. The prosecutor agrees to lower the charges to trespassing and give Dylan a fine, community service, and required rehab.
Donna, David, and Steve watch the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards red carpet, which is anything but blockbuster. Clara has redesigned the dress herself to make it much more of a rock-star ensemble. Donna flips out as Noah tells Nancy O’Dell and the audience where they can get their own Donna Martin designs. Matt tries to be friendly to Gina, which is probably confusing for her because no one’s ever nice to her. He tells Kelly that Dylan is no longer facing jail time. Now the DA will probably take things out on one of Matt’s future clients, which means, as usual, someone else will pay for Dylan’s mistakes.
Just then, Dylan suffers an irregular heartbeat and has to be shocked back into normalcy. The doctor thinks he’ll be fine once he’s done with withdrawal. Gina decides to spend the night, but Kelly’s reluctant to leave. Matt asks her to think about whether she’s staying as Dylan’s friend or as something more. Clara makes the worst-dressed list for her dress, so Noah thinks he’s ruined Donna’s career.
Gina tells Kelly about her mom, Bobbi, who’s overweight and always asked other people to do things for her. Gina got used to having people depend on her, and it made her feel important, which explains why she kept enabling Dylan. Kelly finally admits that Dylan’s behavior is his own fault, not Gina’s. When he’s awake and ready for visitors, Kelly lets Gina go in without her. Dylan claims to be happy to see Gina rather than Kelly.
Janet tells Steve that Georgia’s impromptu mating session didn’t end in pregnancy, and she’s decided not to pursue mating with Trey’s dog. Georgia liked the mutt better, and Janet admits that she did, too, since it had more personality. We get it – Janet likes Steve even though Trey is hotter. I think she’s crazy. Donna gets a bunch of teenage customers at the boutique who want to shop where Clara got her dress. They’ll wear whatever she wears, no matter how crazy it looks.
Dylan thinks David’s going to kick him out of the house, but David’s willing to let him stay. Kelly interrupts a phone call between Matt and someone named Lauren to tell Matt that she wants to be with him, not Dylan. She asks Matt to forgive her for having baggage. He tells her she’s not the only one with a past. After Kelly leaves, Matt and Lauren say “I love you” to each other. Looks like the love triangle has become a love square.
Thoughts: Clara is played by Rosa Blasi, who’s been in a bunch of stuff.
Lauren is played by Cari Shayne, who was Julia’s friend Nina on Party of Five. She was also on General Hospital when Vanessa Marcil was on.
One of the possible side effects of rapid detox is psychological trauma. Sounds like a party! I guess we should be grateful that we were spared another round of Jack McKay hallucinations.
Clara’s dress was boring. She did Donna a favor.
May 24, 2015
Summary: Dylan goes out to Marchette’s mansion to confront him (with a gun) for moving Toni’s body. Instead, he ends up holding the people who now live there at gunpoint. They tell him that Marchette committed suicide after Toni died. Matt teases Kelly for not wanting to use his toothbrush even though they just had sex. Janet warns Donna and Noah (who are about to have sex themselves) that Steve’s in a bad mood because all the guys from his seminar are mad at him.
Gina’s waiting for Dylan when he gets home, desperate to keep him from using. She tells David that Dylan has the flu and will spend the night with her at the beach apartment. After he sleeps for a while, Gina confronts him over buying a gun and going after Marchette. She promises to stay with him and help him through withdrawal. Dylan doesn’t think she’ll want to be with him after seeing him like that.
Steve complains to Janet about how Kelly told all of the girls at the After Dark to go slowly (which he thinks made them turn down the seminar attendees), then went and had sex with Matt. Janet points out that they’ve been dating for a while. Plus, Steve shouldn’t consider his attendees having sex with people they just met to be a triumph. To add insult to injury, everyone in the class demands their money back, wanting to take Steve to small-claims court. David admits that he used the dead-grandmother story and scored.
The Martins are off on vacation in Amish country, so Noah suggests that he and Donna housesit for them. Donna isn’t really into having a romantic weekend in her childhood home. But since there are so many people hanging out at the Walsh house nowadays, it’s hard for them to find privacy, so Donna changes her mind. Kelly gives Matt a toothbrush to keep for her at the Walshes’ house. He introduces her to someone as his friend, which bugs her.
Steve tells Matt that he’s being taken to court, but since it’s small-claims, lawyers aren’t allowed. He suggests that they go on the show Judge Mary. Steve likes the idea of getting some publicity while he’s garnering sympathy. Matt’s like, “The judge is a woman. She’ll hate you.” Kelly tells Donna about the toothbrush, kicking herself for being so forward and only being rewarded with the “friend” label. Donna urges her to play it cool. She admits that she’s a little jealous because Kelly’s at the start of a relationship, which is always fun.
Dylan and Gina are all happy at the beach apartment, but when he won’t eat, she thinks he’s wasted. Because cooking spaghetti for someone you thought was going through withdrawal was a good idea? David goes on a date with Gertrude, the woman he picked up using Steve’s story. She encourages him to talk to the kids in her community-center program because, like some of them, he’s an orphan. Wow, this woman is naïve.
Someone called the cops after seeing Dylan’s motorcycle at Marchette’s mansion, and they track Dylan down. To make matters worse, they find drugs on him, so Dylan will be spending the night in lockup. Donna and Noah are excited to have privacy at her parents’ house, but it lasts for about ten seconds. All the carpets in the house are being replaced, so there will be workmen in and out. Womp womp!
Gina visits Dylan in lockup, where he demands that she bring Matt to get him out. She knows he just wants to be released so he can get drugs. Steve goes on Judge Mary, whose eponymous ruler doesn’t seem to like anyone involved. Steve’s anxious because David, his “star witness,” hasn’t arrived. Kelly tries to make plans with Matt, but he’s busy. She’s not exactly taking Donna’s advice, since one of her suggestions for something to do is taking a trip to Santa Monica.
Gina arrives to announce that Dylan was arrested. Kelly tells her that she knew Marchette was dead but didn’t tell Dylan because he doesn’t like to talk about the family. Gina makes her leave before she tells Matt about the drugs. Janet tries to leave the courtroom when they show the video of Steve practicing his dead-grandmother story on her. Judge Mary calls her to testify about the technique. David arrives but doesn’t want to have to admit that the line worked, since he actually likes Gertrude.
Dylan is facing jail time for the drugs and assault, and if he pleads guilty, he won’t get bail. Matt says he has to spend at least 48 more hours in lockup before his arraignment. If he does make bail, Matt will make him go to rehab. Gina comes for another visit, and Dylan asks her to bring him some drugs from his stash. He’s already pretty sick, so he’s desperate. Gina won’t do what he asks.
Judge Mary rules that even though David may have had success with one of Steve’s techniques, and even though the seminar attendees might not have applied the techniques properly, the plaintiffs should get their money back. Noah and Donna try to find a place to have sex, since, as she already pointed out, they’re in childhood home. They settle on the hallway. Sexy.
Kelly and Matt have dinner at the beach apartment, talking about Dylan. Also sexy. She wonders if Matt still thinks there’s something going on between her and Dylan. Matt assures her that everything with them is fine, and Dylan isn’t the reason he didn’t want to go away for the weekend – it’s a money issue. Kelly finally mentions that she’s annoyed that Matt called her a “friend.” Matt goes outside and yells that Kelly’s his girlfriend.
Donna and Noah almost get fined for accidentally setting off the house alarm while trying to have sex. They really got the lame plotline in this episode, didn’t they? Dylan calls Gina to ask again for drugs. He wants to feel well when he goes to rehab after his arraignment the next day. Gina refuses again but is less adamant this time.
Noah and Donna finally get some alone time in the pool, just before everyone comes over for a barbecue. Matt gets Dylan out of jail so he can go to rehab, but Gina hasn’t shown up with his drugs, so he’s anxious. Matt wants Dylan to go to the barbecue with him and let his friends know what’s going on so they can support him. He warns Dylan that he’ll go back to jail if he uses again, no matter how rich he is.
Donna and Janet tease David about his new relationship; he says he doesn’t want his friends to meet Gertrude yet because they’re taking things slowly. Everyone notices that Dylan doesn’t look great. Even though he lost on Judge Mary, Steve’s thrilled to get some publicity (and he gets to be on TV). While the gang watches his episode, Gina arrives with Dylan’s drugs. She realizes once again that he’s using her.
Gertrude shows up, having been secretly invited by Janet, who used to volunteer at the community center. Of course, she sees him on Judge Mary and learns that the story he told her was a lie. So that’s it for David and Gertrude. Janet doesn’t feel bad at all, which is pretty funny. Donna catches Gina and Dylan fighting, and as Dylan starts talking to Donna, he accidentally knocks her into the pool. She hits her head and loses consciousness while Dylan spaces out. Steve and David pull Donna out of the water and Noah tries to revive her with CPR. Dylan’s in la-la land.
Thoughts: Judge Mary is played by Cristine Rose, who I last recapped on “Party of Five.”
Steve offered a money-back guarantee on the seminar, so the attendees didn’t need to take him to court. They just needed to ask for their money back. The plot would have made more sense if they’d asked for the money, Steve had refused, and they’d taken him to court to get it.
“I brought the onion dip. Are you guys naked?” Finally, Kelly said something charming.
I like Janet more and more each week. All hail Janet!
May 17, 2015
Summary: Why do we always start out at the After Dark? Dylan and Gina are there, making out. He loans her his jacket and she finds heroin in one of the pockets. It’s an instant turnoff. David complains on the air that there are only couples there, and asks for advice finding a girlfriend. Donna and Janet talk about how guys are losers; they share the worst pickup lines they’ve ever heard. Noah tells them they don’t understand how hard it is to pick up a woman. Steve says he’s mastered the “art” and can teach it to others. Janet suggests he title it the name of this episode.
Things are going well for Matt and Kelly, but she hesitates when he tries to take things to the bedroom for the first time. It doesn’t help that they’re at the Walshes’ house. Gina turns up at David and Dylan’s the next day, though it looks like all she wants to do is pout. Dylan makes a show of flushing his drugs, saying that Gina finding them was the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Donna thinks Kelly was perfectly justified in putting Matt off, despite Kelly’s worries that he’s mad at her now. Gina gets in a dig by making it seem like she spent the night with Dylan.
Donna addresses the things Gina said at her birthday party, and Gina claims she didn’t mean any of them. She announces that she’s gotten a job as a personal trainer. Her first client? Felice. Steve has actually started a class on picking up women, and he’s using Janet’s title, How to Be the Jerk Women Love. He asks David to video the classes so he can more easily spread his knowledge to the masses. Janet notes that he’ll be able to make more money that way, too. She thinks Steve is sacrificing his dignity, as if he ever had any of that.
Felice wishes Donna were as ambitious as Gina, who at least tried to get to the Olympics. She doesn’t think Donna has the attention span to stick with the store for long. Felice invites Gina to a luncheon with her (JFK, Jr. will be there!), thinking that Donna wouldn’t want to go. Kelly goes to see Matt, who’s taking cooking lessons from a woman named Marissa. Kelly gets jealous, because she’s a woman and we women always get jealous whenever someone else of our gender is around.
Donna, Gina, and Noah look at paintings at a museum opening while Dylan uses the bathroom. Gee, I wonder what he’s doing? Gina casually mentions that she’s going to the luncheon with Felice. Of course Dylan’s using in the bathroom, and he yells at a kid who wants to come in, because drug users are always mean and make kids sad. He tells Gina to pick out a painting and he’ll buy it for her. Noah can immediately tell that Dylan’s high, but Gina seems clueless. Gina sees that the painting she likes is from the Marchette collection…as in Anthony Marchette.
The next morning, Gina wakes up with a drug-sick Dylan, who insists that everything’s under control. He also doesn’t want to talk about Marchette. Gina asks if Dylan’s using needles, and even though he says he’s not, she decides they’re through. Kelly sees Marissa heading up to Matt’s office and laments to Donna that she’s to blame, since she didn’t sleep with Matt. David asks Kelly to come on his radio show to talk about relationships. Kelly and Donna learn of Steve’s seminar and crack up, which is the only appropriate response. They decide to sneak in.
Dylan goes to the cemetery and has flashbacks that recap the whole Toni/Anthony thing. But when he arrives at Toni’s grave, someone else is now buried there. He learns that she’s been disinterred, but her new location isn’t available. Dylan handles the news calmly and maturely ha ha ha ha ha no, he doesn’t. Gina decides to give up her spot at the luncheon, telling Donna that she thought Felice had already invited her and Donna had turned down the offer. Gina says that whenever Felice says bad things about her daughter, Gina defends her. Donna doesn’t like this.
Kelly and Donna hide out in the control room while Steve leads his seminar at the After Dark. He shows footage of a discussion he had with Noah and Matt, in which Matt says he prefers romance over cheesy pickup lines. Donna notes that he recently made Kelly a home-cooked meal, which makes Kelly think he was just using his typical technique on her. Dylan goes to the beach apartment to angst over Toni to Gina, whose awkward shoulder pat shows that she has no idea how to show empathy.
Kelly storms up to Matt’s office to complain about how women keep going up to his floor. He’s like, “I’m…a lawyer? With clients? And also, there’s a salon next door? Maybe they’re going there? Would you like to get your nails done, too?” Kelly then complains that Matt likes to cook dinner for women, so when he did it for her, it must have just been part of his game. He tells her he was trying to flirt. Back at the seminar, Steve plays footage of a fake pickup between him and Janet; he uses a sob story about his late grandmother to get sympathy.
At the beach apartment, Donna teases Noah by using his pickup lines from the video. Gina and Felice return from a shopping trip; Felice seems to enjoy being able to dress up her new fake daughter. Gina tries to smooth things between mother and daughter by giving up her spot at the luncheon, but Donna says she won’t go no matter what. Felice is like, “Well, you ruined today.” Mother of the year, that one.
Steve takes his class to the After Dark so they can practice using all the lines he’s taught them. Meanwhile, David and Kelly take calls from people who want relationship advice. A girl wants to know whether she should sleep with her boyfriend; she’s afraid he’ll dump her if she doesn’t. Kelly and David tell her to go at her own pace. The guys from the class all fail at picking up women, which is no surprise since they needed a class to learn how in the first place. Steve tells Janet it’s not his fault.
Kelly continues to tell callers that they need to take relationships slowly. Steve goes in to yell at her for putting that idea in people’s heads. Kelly goes out to dance with Matt, who tells her he’s fine with taking things slowly. However, if she changes her mind, he has a nice date planned for them. Kelly’s like, “I never intended to take my own advice! Slow is bad! Sex is good!” Dylan goes to buy a gun from a guy who’s chewing a toothpick, so you know he’s trustworthy. Meanwhile, Matt and Kelly take things the opposite of slowly, heading to his bedroom.
Steve and David find Dylan’s gun and rush to confront him for bringing it into the house. They’re concerned with his behavior, as they should be. Kelly tells Matt that she does want to take things slowly after all because she really likes him and doesn’t want to screw anything up. Donna tells Gina that Felice’s recent behavior is typical of her; Gina should be lucky that she wound up with a better mother. Gina reveals that she’s had to give half of her paychecks to her mom for years. Donna appreciates Gina standing up for her. As soon as she’s alone, Gina calls Felice to say that Donna’s behavior the previous day was unacceptable.
David tries to use one of Steve’s lines on a woman, but it doesn’t work. He and Steve can’t remember what it’s like to be in a normal relationship. Steve encourages David to try his dead-grandmother story on a woman, but David tries to have a regular conversation with her first. When it goes poorly, David tries out the story. The guys from the class confront Steve for not teaching them anything that worked, not realizing that at least one method has been successful.
Kelly and Matt plan to hang out, but first, the bedroom. Yeah, they’re really going slowly here. Gina tries to talk to Dylan, who says he needs to go see someone. She’s sick of him being mysterious and tells him they’ll have to stop spending time together if he keeps it up. Dylan tells her he wants to see Marchette and find out where Toni’s body is. Obviously, that’s what the gun is for. Ruh-roh!
Thoughts: Kelly and Donna giggling over Steve’s horrible pickup lines cracked me up, too.
How much did Steve have to pay Janet to participate in a seminar video? Does he have some kind of dirt on her? Janet, are you being blackmailed? Do you need help? Blink twice if you need to be rescued.
Donna, the pigtails on their own are okay. The shirt with the duckling on it is cute. But together, they make you look six. Maybe go shopping with Felice.
May 10, 2015
Summary: Donna, Kelly, and Gina are discussing an upcoming 12-hour dance marathon. Gina says she’s going with David, though it kind of sounds like a lie. Donna mentions that a shop near the boutique was recently robbed, so now there’s a security guard hanging around. Gina reminds her that she was the one who welcomed a gang member with open arms. Dylan shows up to take Kelly to breakfast, and when she hedges, Gina volunteers to take her place. Gina needs to chill.
Donna and Gina find gang girl Sonia and a guy asleep on the floor of the boutique. She tells them they didn’t have any other place to go. Instead of breakfast, Dylan takes Kelly to an airport – they’re going to Cabo. Matt’s going to have to step up his game. Donna lets Sonia keep working off her debt at the boutique, as long as she promises not to spend the night there again. Another gang girl shows up to show off her switchblade and warn Sonia to stay away from her man. Good thing the security guard is there.
In Mexico, Dylan brings up Matt, then decides he’d rather have fun with Kelly than talk about her relationship. Steve has bought a story for the tabloid, and Matt warns that it will probably lead to a lawsuit. Janet’s more concerned with the fact that they’re not a respectable paper if they buy their stories. Steve doesn’t care – he just wants readers. Noah asks Steve to sponsor him in the dance marathon, which is raising money for Fight AIDS. Steve sees this as a networking event, so he’s definitely on board.
In Cabo, Kelly and Dylan buy crazy hats and a statue. Then Dylan sneaks off to buy some drugs, which he stashes in the statue. They joke that Kelly will be smuggling art back to the States, since they don’t have to declare religious artifacts at the border. Janet objects to the $1,000 Steve offered Noah for the marathon; the paper can’t afford it. Steve says it’s fine, not realizing that he pledged $1,000 per hour, which means he actually has to pay $12,000. Don’t worry, Steve – I doubt Noah can dance for that long.
Noah asks Gina to take care of getting Donna’s birthday cake. Gina tells him about the gang girl who showed up to threaten Sonia with a switchblade. Noah worries that Sonia’s presence at the boutique will threaten Donna’s sales. He asks her to quit, and Sonia obeys. Dylan and Kelly return to Beverly Hills and make out, only stopping when Matt calls. Kelly tells him she was out all day Christmas shopping with a friend. While she’s on the phone, Dylan retrieves his drugs. He’s a little too excited about the fact that Kelly just lied to her boyfriend, but she realizes they’ve gone too far.
Gina’s annoyed with Kelly, as usual, so when Matt shows up to see her at the boutique, Gina outs Kelly’s lie about her whereabouts all day. Kelly comes clean about where she was and who she was with, making Matt flee. Janet urges Steve to withdraw his pledge, but he doesn’t want to look like the Grinch. He has a plan: They’re allowed to pick the people who represent the paper in the marathon, so they’ll just put up people with low stamina, namely Muntz and his wife. Except they’ve been working out with a trainer, and Muntz has been running 10Ks, so he’s not so out of shape anymore.
Gina invites Dylan to the marathon, having to come clean that she’s not going with David. When David arrives, Dylan mentions that David and Gina both want to go, so they should go together. Sonia shows up at the boutique, telling Donna that the other gang girl, Lucy, is pregnant by Tony, the guy they’ve both been involved with. Sonia admits that she wanted to get pregnant so she could leave the gang. Donna announces to Noah that she’s going to help Sonia, as if there were any doubt.
At the Peach Pit, Kelly tells Matt that she was surprised by the trip to Mexico; she thought she and Dylan were just getting breakfast. Dylan shows up, and Matt tries to make a quick escape. He tells Kelly that he’s not going to compete with Dylan for her, not least because he can’t match Dylan’s efforts. Dylan decides to move on from Kelly with Gina. Looks like Christmas came early for her.
When they get back to town the next morning, Dylan and Gina learn that the boutique was robbed. Gina admits that she closed an hour early the night before and isn’t sure she did it properly. Kelly’s more upset that Dylan and Gina went to Mexico, and he bought her a Mayan goddess of fertility. Dylan promises that Gina closed up properly – he would know because he was with her. Gina says that Sonia obviously broke in, as she’s the only other person with a key.
Kelly assures Matt that nothing happened between her and Dylan in Mexico. He doesn’t have to worry about her taking any more trips with him. She wants to get back together with Matt, but he knows Dylan will just keep pursuing her, and she won’t be able to resist him. Kelly tries to prove her commitment to Matt by inviting him to dance with her at the marathon. There, Noah double-checks with Gina that things are ready for Donna’s birthday party right before midnight.
The Brian Setzer Orchestra provides the music as the marathon begins. There are some fun ’40s outfits. Dylan left his second statue at the boutique, but the presence of the security guard keeps him from getting inside to get it. Three hours into the marathon, the Muntzes are going strong, so Janet urges Steve to tell them he can’t afford their pledge. Of course, he’s not going to do that.
Donna’s distracted by Sonia’s problems, the store’s failure to really get off the ground, Gina’s weirdness, and Noah’s distance. She’s also a little upset that she and Noah haven’t discussed plans for her birthday. Her timing is perfect, as it’s time for them to go next door to the Peach Pit for Donna’s surprise birthday party. Everything is good except for the cake – Gina got chocolate, which Donna’s allergic to. Noah pulls Gina aside and she rants about how she’s always been second to her perfect cousin. Donna overhears, shocked that Gina feels like this.
Dylan comes to the marathon, obviously in withdrawal, and asks Kelly to let him into the store. She’s not willing to let him in to get the statue he bought Gina. She makes it clear that they’re over. Dylan moves on to Gina, telling her he needs the statue for luck. The promise of attention makes Gina only too happy to help. Muntz and his wife win the marathon and donate their $5,000 to Fight AIDS. Fortunately, Steve has suddenly gotten a reputation as a nice guy, which has led to an increase in ad sales. Merry Christmas, Steve Sanders!
Sonia comes to the After Dark to return Donna’s keys, and Donna sees that she was beaten. Sonia tells her that the other gang girls wanted her to help them rob the store, but she refuses. The security guard, however, was an accomplice. The happy ending is that Sonia’s out of the gang. Matt and Kelly get burritos, which is as close to a trip to Mexico as Matt can get. She’s surprised that he knows her tastes better than she thought he did.
Dylan and Gina spent the night together, and in the morning, he snorts heroin in his bathroom. Noah gives Donna her birthday presents, fake snow inside the After Dark and a bracelet his father once gave his mother. Somehow, David doesn’t think it’s strange to broadcast from 20 feet away while his ex dances with her current boyfriend.
Thoughts: Kelly and Dylan get champagne in Mexico, so I guess we’re just completely ignoring his alcoholism?
Really the only difference between Gina and Valerie is that Gina’s better at playing innocent when she messes with someone’s life.
I wonder when Vanessa Marcil and Brian Austin Green got together? They don’t really have chemistry (though supposedly couples without chemistry on-screen have it off-screen).
Since when is Donna allergic to chocolate?
May 3, 2015
Summary: Steve and David are in Samantha’s dressing room, having watched a dress rehearsal for her new sitcom. David asks her to do an interview on his radio show. She hesitates to become a spokesperson for “the gay lifestyle,” which is news to David, since he didn’t know she was gay. Steve tells his mother that David just likes her. He hasn’t told anyone about her sexuality, partly to protect her privacy and partly because it makes him uncomfortable.
Matt smokes and creepily hangs out outside the boutique, then pretends he was working. He invites Kelly to drive around and look at Christmas lights with him, but she suddenly gets a call from Jackie telling her that her grandfather’s having trouble breathing. The doctors want to put him on a ventilator. Kelly reminds Jackie that his living will says he doesn’t want his life prolonged. However, when the doctor comes on the line, Kelly authorizes the ventilator.
Dylan goes to a storage facility to fix up and retrieve his car, which he hasn’t seen since the night Toni was killed. Kelly calls Donna from the hospital to report that her grandfather has stabilized since being put on the ventilator. The doctor warns that he could be on it indefinitely, but at least it means he’s still alive. Kelly isn’t sure she made the right decision, since this is how he’ll have to spend the little time he has left.
A teenage girl comes into the boutique, followed by some gangbanger friends. Donna’s fine with them being there, but Gina wants to chase them off. David tells Steve that Samantha’s going to come on his show after all. He thinks Steve should calm down about her sexuality. Steve thinks it’s a phase. David thinks he should be excited about the idea of two women being together. And that’s enough advocacy from David. Steve gets a call from a tabloid asking what it was like growing up with a lesbian mom.
Matt visits Kelly at the hospital, sporting reindeer antlers he won when he beat a kid in pediatrics at tic tac toe. (Adorable.) He runs into a lawyer friend who invites him to join him on a lawsuit. Unfortunately, he’d be defending a tobacco company, and Kelly strongly objects. Dylan takes his car to the After Dark, where Gina’s trying to get Noah to agree to see a movie with her. Dylan tells her to accept her rejection already. The two guys bicker about a belligerent customer. The customer then gets inappropriate with Gina, and Dylan and Noah team up to chase him off.
David makes Dylan walk away, but that only means he’s outside when the customer and his friends start wrecking Dylan’s car. “Only one of us is afraid to die here,” Dylan tells the guy. When Gina arrives and sees the car, Dylan tells her to “get away from her.” He works on the car again at David’s, refusing help from David and Noah. Noah notices a hole in the upholstery, causing Dylan to have a flashback to the night of the shooting. Noah thinks he should stop being a jerk.
A tabloid has published an article about Samantha’s sexuality, and now the co-star playing her husband has dropped a kiss they were supposed to have. However, she’s more upset about the fact that Steve denied to the tabloid that she’s not his mother. He defends the tabloid’s right to pry into her life; after all, she chose to be a celebrity. Samantha points out that she didn’t choose to be gay. She admits that she always had feelings for women but never acted on them. Steve wants her to keep quiet.
Matt joins the tobacco case, which upsets Kelly; she wishes he were just at the hospital to support her. He points out that her grandfather should have known the risks before he started smoking. Kelly notes that Matt recently started smoking again, so he’s defending his own habit. Matt downplays it as just something to do with your hands. Kelly asks if he would help if a client came to him and said he was thinking of killing someone.
One of the gang girls comes back to the boutique, telling Donna she wants a dress for her 15th birthday party. Donna’s nice to her, but Gina’s still suspicious. The dress is too expensive for the girl, who offers to pay for it with the money she’s going to earn from a new after-school job. Donna agrees to let her have the dress if she leaves the name of her employer. Gina warns that Donna will never see the money.
Kelly’s grandfather pulls out his ventilator but is now breathing okay on his own. He’s doing better, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to be okay. Kelly objects to the restraints the doctors have put on him to keep him in bed. He begs Kelly to stop authorizing treatments – he wants to die. Kelly admits to Jackie that she authorized the ventilator because she wanted to keep him around. Jackie assures her that she’s not being selfish. Kelly wants to figure out how to let go.
Dylan shows up for a visit, but Kelly asks him to take her to a park. They talk in vague terms about the possibility of giving her grandfather morphine and ending his life. Dylan knows there are some things that can’t be controlled, but this can. Later, Gina visits Dylan at David’s to thank him for saving her from the customer. He has her pegged as trying to steal Noah from her cousin, which he doesn’t get because…you know, it’s Noah. Even if she gets him, he’s not right for her.
Kelly tries to guilt Matt about smoking, noting that her grandfather could still have a number of years left if he’d never started smoking. The doctor wants to put in a feeding tube, since he’s not eating. Jackie objects, and Matt says it’s his choice. Kelly thinks it’s time to stop pursuing aggressive treatment. Jackie agrees and asks if they can take her father home so he doesn’t have to spend his last days in the hospital.
Gina interrupts Donna and Noah’s dinner at the boutique to ask about Dylan. Donna tells her and Noah about Toni and the mob hit. Noah feels like an idiot for pointing out bullet holes in the upholstery. Samantha accuses Steve of being embarrassed by the stories circulating about her sexuality. She reveals that she was fired from her show: “Who wants a homosexual in their living room? Not you.” Steve asks why she got married and adopted a kid when she knew she was gay. Samantha says that being his mother was the best job she ever had, and the only decision she was ever 100% sure of.
Gina moves on to asking Donna about Dylan and Kelly’s past relationship. Donna basically tells her to back off. The gang girl, Sonia, comes back with her friends to return the dress, which she’s cut so she doesn’t have to pay for it. Gina shows Donna her “I told you so” face. Kelly tells Dylan that her grandfather’s going home the next day to die. She told herself she only wanted to see Dylan because they’re old friends, but it’s more like he’s become an addiction. They kiss.
The next morning, Noah arrives as Dylan’s waking up from a nightmare about Toni’s death. Noah can sympathize about Dylan’s nightmares because he had some after his girlfriend died, and then again after his father died. Dylan doesn’t want to be his new BFF. He decides to sell the car. Kelly and Jackie go see Grandpa, who’s chatting with Matt. He says he’s quit smoking again, this time for good. He wants to celebrate Kelly’s grandfather’s release from the hospital with her, but Kelly’s now doubting their connection. He knows it’s because of Dylan, and hopes she changes her mind.
Sonia promises to pay Donna back for the dress, promising that her friends made her ruin the dress. Sonia admits that she skipped her own party because her friends would have kicked her out of the gang. They want her to do a drug run; if she doesn’t and she gets kicked out of the gang, she’ll become a target. She talks about how horrible her neighborhood is and how joining the gang wasn’t something she could control. A girl got in trouble because of her, so now she owns them.
Grandpa’s supposed to go to hospice, but instead, Jackie and Kelly take him to Jackie and Mel’s. The family wants him to get the most out of his last days. They start opening Christmas presents, so…sorry, Mel and Erin. Steve asks Samantha to the After Dark, encouraging her to do the interview with David. He wants her to be proud of who she is, because he’s proud of her. David’s thrilled to do the interview, introducing Samantha as “the mom you wish you had.”
Dylan’s upset after selling the car, and Gina asks if he’s ready to let go of something that meant so much to him. Guys, I don’t think she’s talking about the car. She tries to invite him to hang out, but he wants to be alone while he burns Toni’s mob money and buys heroin. Oh, Dylan. If Kelly didn’t like Matt smoking cigarettes, she’s definitely not going to like this.
Thoughts: “Get your facts straight – I’m adopted.” That doesn’t mean Samantha didn’t raise you. Shut up, Steve.
Samantha wonders if she should have been the kind of mother who volunteered with a Girl Scout troop. Steve: “They wouldn’t want you.” Bite me, Steve. Where’s Janet to yell at him?
Yes, Donna’s exactly the sort of person who would be able to help someone get out of a gang. Come on, show. This is dumb.
Steve: “That’s my mom. She’s gay.” Noah: “Cool.” Matt: “Cool mom.” Awesome.
December 28, 2014
Summary: Brandon and Kelly are making out at the Walshes’ when Noah calls to report that Donna’s being taken to the hospital after overdosing. She’s awake by the time her father and the gang get to the hospital, and Noah lets them know that she was taking both uppers and downers. David blames Noah for everything, since he cheated on Donna.
Donna has her stomach pumped and is admitted for a few hours, told that she’ll have to go through withdrawal for a few days. She resists any further treatment, swearing she’s not an addict. Dr. Martin asks her to come home for a few days so he can look after her. Donna admits that she didn’t go to him for help because she didn’t want him to see her in that condition. She also admits to stealing drugs from the clinic.
Valerie arrives at the hospital as Dr. Martin assures Noah and Kelly that Donna will be okay. Val and Noah briefly discuss how Josh is on his way to see the DA. They want to try to move on from all the trouble he caused. Kelly tells Donna that Noah found her unconscious and got her to the hospital. She wishes she’s seen that something was going on. Donna says that she wasn’t asking for help then, but she is now. Kelly urges her to examine her relationship with Noah in case it led to her drug use.
David’s looking for a new house, since he can afford something nice now. Apparently his song has gone double platinum. He’s distracted by Donna’s situation, but the label exec tells him to focus on how he’s going to be a huge music star. David thanks the exec for helping him make such a good decision. At the Beverly Beat, Steve gets unforwarded mail for a guy named Ted who used to work in the building. They’re from a woman named Jill, and Steve has a crush on her now.
Brandon goes to talk to Jasper about how his life has turned out after quitting his own band. Jasper has already joined another group and is working on a record deal. Brandon can’t believe how quickly David became a success. Jasper thinks money has exchanged hands to get David’s song more airplay. At the clinic, Kelly’s charity case of the week is a teenager named Leanne who’s in early labor. When Kelly goes to get Dr. Martin, Leanne takes off.
David wants to have sex with Valerie, but she’s clearly still shaken up by imagined scenes of her non-rape. She knows nothing happened, but she doesn’t feel ready for that kind of intimacy. As she’s leaving work for the night, Kelly finds what is most likely Leanne’s baby in a box outside the clinic. She takes him home with her for the night, which…whatever. Brandon urges her to call Social Services, but Kelly thinks that if she takes the baby to Leanne, Leanne will decide she wants him.
Noah goes by the Walshes’ to tell Valerie that Josh was charged with misdemeanor drug possession and got a very light sentence. He wants Val to come back to work at the After Dark. Valerie can’t believe that he thinks they can just walk away from what happened like nothing’s changed. Brandon wants to write an article about Jasper’s allegations, but Steve thinks Jasper’s just mad that David got successful without him.
Janet (hi, Janet! See you next week!) delivers more letters from Jill, and Steve realizes that he needs to get them back to her and tell her that Ted doesn’t work there anymore. Why doesn’t he just tell the post office to stop delivering them? Whatever. Donna goes to talk to her boss about how she stole Danielle’s designs and was using drugs at work. Danielle has already quit, so she’s not there to hear Donna’s apology, or to see Donna get fired.
Brandon meets with someone from a radio station to find out if anyone paid to have David’s song played a lot. The guy says that the station was “encouraged” to play the song. He doesn’t see the big deal, since it worked out well for David. Kelly talks to Dr. Martin about how Donna panicked when she felt overwhelmed. She’s actually talking about Leanne, of course. Dr. Martin wants to call Social Services, but Kelly still wants to work on changing Leanne’s mind about being a mother.
Kelly takes the baby to Leanne’s house, where she learns that Leanne’s mother had no idea she was going to be a grandmother. Leanne knows she’s too young to be a mother, and she doesn’t want to get her own mom involved. Kelly won’t drop the issue, like, Kelly, get the hint. Go call an adoption agency. Brandon tells David that he has confirmation that radio stations were paid to play his song. He wants David to know who he’s getting into business with. David tells Brandon to let it go.
Kelly finally calls Social Services, but she tells Dr. Martin that she wants Leanne to face consequences for abandoning her baby. Dr. Martin reminds her that people are flawed and need help. A social worker arrives and tells them that the baby will wind up in foster care. Kelly thinks the baby deserves more consideration than Leanne does, even though there’s this pesky legal thing called rights, like the right not to be forced to raise a child you don’t want.
David tells Valerie that Brandon’s accusations of a pay scandal have shaken him up. She’s still having trouble with physical closeness and wants to know exactly what happened the night she thought she was raped. Brandon and Steve discuss their options: run the article and tank David’s career, or let it go and leave a dark cloud hanging over David’s career. Steve thinks Brandon’s jealous of David’s success.
Another letter from Jill arrives, asking Ted to meet her the next day. Steve has gotten to know Jill so well from her letters that he’s realized she’s exactly the woman he wants to be with. He plans to meet Jill and present himself as a Ted alternative. David gives a performance that ends abruptly when a girl falls in the crowd and hurts her arm.
At the beach apartment, Donna struggles with withdrawal and considers taking some pills she’d stashed away. Noah shows up, and she admits that she stole designs at work and got fired. Noah’s fine with her making him the bad guy, but she’ll have to do it after he gets rid of the pills. The girl at the performance broke her arm, but the exec is looking forward to the publicity this will bring David. David now thinks Brandon was right about the pay scandal, and he wants out of his deal.
Donna’s completed her withdrawal and tells her father that she’ll come home now. He tells her the beach apartment is her home. David goes to the Beverly Beat to talk to Brandon about the pay scandal, but Brandon doesn’t think he had the right priorities about the story. David reveals that he’s out of the music business. He thinks Brandon should publish the story as a cautionary tale about overnight success.
Valerie goes to Noah’s boat to ask what really happened the night they slept together. She needs to confirm that they had consensual sex and that she didn’t invite anything she didn’t want. Noah tells her the details, saying that he thought Valerie pulled him down to the couch for sex, but now he thinks she stumbled and grabbed him for balance. He doesn’t consider her the aggressor, and Val says she doesn’t blame Noah for anything.
Steve finally meets Jill, who thinks he’s Ted, because she’s never actually met him. Steve’s like, “Yes. Ted. Ted is who I am. Hello, I’m Ted.” Donna’s ready to work things out with Noah, knowing that no matter how hard it is, it won’t be as bad as withdrawal. Valerie tells David that she’s starting to accept that neither she nor Noah was to blame for what happened; it was all Josh and the Rohypnol. She swears that she wouldn’t have slept with Noah if she wasn’t drugged. I don’t know…
The baby is taken to the proper people, and Kelly laments the fact that her and Brandon’s baby was never born. Brandon assures her that they’ll have a family when they’re ready. Kelly’s already there – she’s going to apply to be a foster parent to Leanne’s son. Brandon’s worried that she doesn’t get how hard it would be to foster a child and then have the child leave. Kelly doesn’t care.
Thoughts: In case you couldn’t tell from the picture above, Leanne is played by Jessica Alba.
I’m pretty sure Dr. Martin would have to immediately report an abandoned baby to the police, and that Kelly would never be allowed to just take him home with her. This is all so ridiculous.
I hate Kelly’s “the birth mother must raise the child” mentality. She knows about adoption, right? She knows that some women don’t want to be mothers, and that it’s perfectly reasonable for them to have another family raise the child? Kelly lives in the real world, yes?