February 20, 2016
Summary: Last episode ever! Whee! Donna’s at the After Dark, discussing wedding-reception details with Nat and Noah. She says she and David sent an invitation to Ellen but hasn’t heard back. Apparently Donna and David’s friends are throwing them their reception, which is the best advantage of having friends in the restaurant business. Since Dr. Martin is dead, Donna has no one to walk her down the aisle, so she asks Nat to do it instead. Nat says that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever asked him to do.
Steve helps Janet with an article, assuring her that Charles will like her ideas for Nouveau. He’s right – Charles wants Janet to be the new editor. Janet’s too overwhelmed to be happy; this means tons more work and less time with Maddy. She tries to remind herself that she’s gotten what she wanted. At David’s house, he and Donna look through RSVPs (Andrea and Valerie are coming to the wedding; Brandon and Gina aren’t). Donna worries that they’re doing things too quickly, which means not everyone can come. She decides it’s the non-attending guests’ loss.
At the beach apartment, Kelly worries to Steve that their lives are like a Stephen King novel and something awful is lurking around the corner. Steve tells her that their friends are awesome, which means their lives are awesome, etc. Then he reveals that Matt’s leaving for New York the next day, so he won’t be at the wedding. Dylan arrives and asks Kelly if she wants to dance, for some reason. She wants to wait. She’s still a little annoyed that he kept Matt’s secret from her, but not so annoyed that she won’t let him nuzzle her. So I guess they’re back together?
Steve takes Janet to an empty office building, telling her that he thinks they’re both looking for balance in their lives. He wants to rent an office in the building and run a publication together. They’ll have room for Maddy, so they can work and spend time with her at the same time. Janet’s worried about taking another big risk, but she wants to give it a try.
Donna’s bachelorette party is pretty tame, considering Felice, Jackie, and Ms. Teasley are among the guests. Andrea presents the bride with a video message from Brandon, who calls her “baby” and tells her to give his love to Kelly. Kelly says he’s “still disgustingly cute,” so someone needs to get her eyes checked. Andrea serves ice cream and popcorn, which Donna remembers eating at Brenda’s sleepover way back in season 1. No one mentions whether Brenda’s coming to the wedding. Valerie arrives with a giant box of condoms. Thanks, Val.
Over at the Walsh house, the guests for the bachelor party include Mel and Muntz. Brandon has a video message for the groom as well, taunting David for having to wait so long to have sex with Donna. Shut up, Brandon. Valerie has a game for Donna, “Pin the Macho on the Man.” (I think she only said “macho” because Donna’s mom is there.) Donna has to shoot a Nerf dart at a picture of David, and she misses horribly. Surprisingly, Felice wants to play.
Kelly shares with Janet that Steve was her first love (though she was only 15 at the time). She asks if Steve ever growls or barks during foreplay. Valerie recognizes those sounds. Janet asks if anyone in the room hasn’t slept with Steve. Everyone but Kelly raises her hand, though Ms. Teasley doesn’t hear the question. Felice pins the macho right on the man. I’m going to be sick. Ryan shows up at the bachelor party with a stripper named Kiki who turns out to be a guy in drag. Thanks for your contribution, Ryan.
Suddenly it’s the day of the wedding, which takes place in a church but is officiated by both a priest and a rabbi. Erin’s the flower girl. Janet and Kelly are bridesmaids, allowing Steve and Dylan to admire their significant others in dressy clothes. Nat gives away Donna and her cleavage. Dylan reads a passage from Letters to a Young Poet about marriage being a partnership where each partner is “the guardian of his solitude.” Then they learn to see each other as part of a whole. Matt arrives late and stands at the back of the church.
Kelly reads the Elizabeth Barrett Browning “how do I love thee?” poem, so way to be original, guys. Matt gets uncomfortable and leaves. David and Donna exchange original vows, with him talking about how he feels he’s loved her his whole life, and her saying that he’s inspirational and gives her the courage to be herself. They both cry. Then they recite traditional vows and cry more. Rings! Kiss! They’re married!
The reception is held at the Beverly Hilton. Steve is allowed to talk. Donna and David share their first dance to a live performance by Eric Benet and Tamia. Matt makes another appearance, having delayed his departure for New York to talk to Kelly. They were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. He thought that they could get past all of their problems, even the Dylan-related ones. But after hearing Dylan and Kelly’s readings at the wedding, he realized that they have a good connection after all. Matt thinks Kelly made the right choice, and he’s happy for her.
Noah dances with the bride, telling her he was thinking about moving away. Now, though, he thinks he might be able to give Ellen the commitment she wants. He ducks out to go talk to her. Donna asks Andrea about Hannah, who’s playing T-ball. David shares a nice moment with Valerie. The cake is cut, and no one smashes it in anyone’s face, which is nice. Kelly gives a toast, talking about how horrified she was when her and David’s parents first got together. But now she loves him, not least because he’s turned Donna into her sister.
Donna throws her bouquet, which Kelly catches (and it looks like that was the plan). Later, she and David toast to the gang, then dance some more. For the second time in the episode, Dylan asks Kelly to dance. This time, she doesn’t want to wait. Dancing montage! Everyone’s having a good time! David doesn’t embarrass himself, for once! Then the episode ends, and these people are out of our lives!
Thoughts: I have watched every single episode of this godforsaken show. All I know is it went on at least three seasons too long.
Andrea’s hair looks cute for the first time in the entire series. It’s very 2000.
So Valerie’s close enough to Donna and David to come to the wedding? Even though David’s her ex? And no one’s mentioned her for two years? Okay.
The bridesmaids’ dresses are a great shade of purple. Nice choice, Donna.
David’s mother doesn’t appear, and no one mentions her, so I hope she’s okay.
Remember Tamia? No? She had that…song? About…love? Okay, I don’t remember her either. But she’s married to Grant Hill now, so good for her.
January 30, 2016
Summary: Donna takes a break from work at the Peach Pit, complaining to David that things are crazy without Camille. Donna gave her the week off so she can recover from her breakup with David. She and David make plans to have dinner and see a movie. A friend of Matt’s has recommended him for a job in Seattle, and Kelly’s nervous that accepting it would lead to big life changes for them. They tell Dylan that they’re getting married in August, but Dylan isn’t that excited for them.
Steve and Janet meet with a guy named Charles who’s interested in buying the Beverly Beat. He offers $750,000, wanting a paper on the West Coast, since his others are on the East Coast. He needs someone to handle the editorial side of things, but nothing else, which means Janet would keep her job, but Steve would have to leave his. Steve’s tempted by the money.
Felice visits Donna at the boutique to announce that she’s selling the Martins’ house. Donna objects to the idea of her mother living in a condo or an apartment. She’s also unhappy at the thought of losing her childhood home. Ellen was supposed to visit her daughter, Caitlin, but her mother canceled the visit. Noah thinks her mother still recognizes that Ellen’s trying to improve her life. He thinks Ellen drinks because she feels guilty for not being a better mom. If she gets better, the guilt will go away.
At the After Dark, Steve and Janet weigh the pros and cons of selling the paper. Pros: more money and more time that Steve gets to spend with Maddy. Con: Steve and Janet won’t work together. She’s proud of the way he’s built up the paper, which has put them in the position to become financially secure. She thinks they should start the process of selling; they can stop it if they decide it’s the wrong move. Steve agrees.
Dylan joins Matt and Kelly at the club, telling them he’ll definitely come to the wedding. He wants to give them their wedding present early – two open-ended plane tickets so Kelly can take a trip around the world like she’s always wanted. She tells Matt that’s not something she wants anymore.
At the beach apartment, Donna tells David that she’s happy that Felice is moving on with her life, but it’s tough for her to say goodbye to the house. It makes her feel like she has to say goodbye to part of her childhood. She has so many memories of her father there. David and Donna reminisce about the Martins’ Christmas trees, which just makes Donna realize that she’ll never spend another Christmas in the house.
The next morning, Steve gets started in his new role as stay-at-home dad, making breakfast and accepting a list of errands from Janet. He feels emasculated, so Janet tells him to speak up if he decides this is a bad arrangement. As if Steve needs permission to complain about something.
David and Donna wake up on the couch together at the beach apartment, having fallen asleep watching TV. He tells her that he decided not to take the job in New York because he realized how much he would be leaving behind in Beverly Hills. They almost kiss, but Donna decides it’s a bad idea. First they need to think about their friendship and how it would be changed with romance. David agrees that they shouldn’t risk it.
Ellen takes Noah to meet her mother (and help convince her that Ellen is making progress in her recovery). He also meets Caitlin, who’s really cute and very excited to play with Noah. At the Peach Pit, Donna tells Kelly about the agreement she and David came to. Dylan joins them, so Donna makes an excuse to give them time alone. Kelly tells Dylan that she doesn’t appreciate his gift, since she sees it as an attempt to remind her that they used to be close.
Steve takes Maddy to David’s house so he can have a break from parenting (and complain about all the work he’s had to do all day). He also wants to pass along the message that Janet found a woman to fix David up with. David isn’t interested but decides to humor the Sanderses.
At home, Kelly pushes Donna to get back together with her ex, not getting why the two of them are so resistant. Donna would rather talk about where Kelly and Dylan stand. Kelly claims that she gave Dylan the marriage ultimatum to push him away. Donna says she really likes Matt and would love to see him and Kelly together, but Kelly won’t be truly happy until she and Dylan straighten things out.
Matt and Kelly go tux shopping, and when he mentions the plane tickets, she tells him she turned them down. Matt thinks that they should “start over,” even if he doesn’t get the job offer. She promises to think about it. David offers to go to the Martins’ house with Donna and help her go through her old things.
Noah goes to Ellen’s mother’s place, having planned to meet Ellen there. Her mother notes that she’s not very reliable, so he shouldn’t expect her to actually show up. Noah wants to know why Ellen’s mother keeps fighting her about Caitlin when she recognizes that Ellen is working to improve her life. Ellen’s mother says that Caitlin needs consistency, and Ellen has never demonstrated that. Noah isn’t the first of Ellen’s boyfriends to come around like this.
David takes Donna to the Martins’ house for the first time since her father died. Inside, Felice, Kelly, Matt, and Dylan are decorating a Christmas tree. David explains that he wanted to give her one last Christmas in the house. Steve comes in from the other room with Maddy, having turned a beer hat into a bottle hat for his daughter. Everyone laughs at him, but it’s not a horrible idea, really.
Matt takes a break with Dylan, saying that he thinks Dylan has kept his mouth shut about Amy partly because he doesn’t want to hurt Kelly and partly because he thinks she and Matt should be together. He assures Dylan that things might get easier for him, since Matt and Kelly may be leaving Beverly Hills. Dylan won’t have to see them together all the time anymore.
The next day, Kelly and Matt check out a possible venue for their wedding reception, but she can see that he’s distant. He admits that he didn’t get the job in Seattle. She tells him that if he had, she would have encouraged him to take it. Matt thinks they should move to Seattle anyway. Kelly resists leaving without having something to move for. She thinks he’s just trying to run away from Dylan. Matt asks her to just do it for him, but Kelly doesn’t like being tested.
Noah meets up with Ellen, who wants to know where he looked for her when she didn’t show up at her mom’s. She knows that he looked for her at bars. Ellen claims that she was late because she was getting Caitlin a coloring book. She was only 15 minutes late, and Noah immediately assumed the worst. Ellen can’t handle more stress in her life when she’s trying to focus on her daughter. She’ll have to leave Noah behind.
The Martins’ house has already sold, and Felice is excited for a new family to enjoy the place. She knows that Dr. Martin would be happy that she and Donna are moving on. Donna wants to feel more comfortable with it. She also wishes she could talk to her father about things like work and Kelly’s upcoming wedding. Felice thinks she could be a good substitute. She offers to fix Donna up with someone, and Donna reluctantly accepts. Felice is sure that she and the guy will hit it off.
Janet comes home from work late to see that everything has gone smoothly with Steve and Maddy, despite all the work Steve had to do. Janet’s sad that she had to be apart from her daughter all day. Donna goes on her fix-up date, which happens to be with David. They say over and over that going from friendship back to a relationship would be a mistake, but their resolve is slipping. They finally kiss.
Dylan summons Kelly to a bridge to ask if she’s leaving Beverly Hills because of him. She swears that if she goes, it won’t have anything to do with him. He reminds her that she tried to get him to commit. He wants to change his decision. Kelly tells him it’s too late and tries to leave. Dylan asks why it’s too late, but she can’t give a good answer.
Thoughts: Jennie Garth directed this episode. Pretend you care.
As someone whose family moved out of their longtime home not that long ago, I feel for Donna. It’s weird thinking of other people living where you grew up.
How does the boutique do such great business when Donna keeps closing it whenever she wants?
Noah, find a new pet project. This one is boring.
Felice wants Donna and David to be together? It’s a fake Christmas miracle!
December 12, 2015
Summary: Paramedics have been called to the Martins’ house, but there’s nothing they can do – Dr. Martin is dead. The medics think he had a stroke. When Felice comes home, she’s distressed that no one’s helping her husband. Over at the After Dark, Dylan and Noah get the news from Steve as Noah’s damaged car is towed. Noah asks Dylan not to tell Donna what happened to them, so she doesn’t worry.
Everyone gathers at the beach apartment to comfort Donna. Kelly can’t bother to keep her mouth shut, asking if Dr. Martin was supposed to be exercising. In other words, she’s trying to imply that Gina may have accidentally killed him. David follows Gina outside and basically says that it’s reasonable for people to wonder what happened. He points out that no one blamed her right out, as if that makes a difference.
Kelly later asks Matt if you need a license to be a personal trainer. Matt tells her to shut up already (okay, he’s nicer than that, but still). They change the subject to a potential job Pia the PR person has for Kelly. As they approach the street where Matt parked, they discover that it’s missing. A valet tells him that it seems to have been repossessed. Kelly wishes Matt had talked to her about his continuing money problems.
Dylan tries to comfort Gina, who now feels guilty that she couldn’t do more for Dr. Martin. She wishes she hadn’t pushed him to work out. Dylan wants her to think about how much it must have meant to him that she wanted him in her life. Felice and Donna discuss arrangements for Dr. Martin, but Felice gets frustrated because she’s going to have to deal with things that her husband usually took care of. David and Camille show up with flowers, and David pledges his support for his ex. Donna’s not sure how her family can still be a family without her father.
Matt confides in Kelly that after his suspension, he’s struggling to find clients. She offers to help him out with money, but he doesn’t like the idea of his fiancée bailing him out. He’s willing to go back to working for a big firm (which he previously hated) so they can be financially secure. Matt also doesn’t want Kelly to take the job with Pia just so they can have money. Kelly assures him that she’s actually interested in the job. She thinks things will turn out fine.
Gina goes to the Martins’ to check on Felice, who tells her that Dr. Martin used to work at a movie theater. She only found out when she read his obituary. Gina mentions that the obituary only said Dr. Martin had a wife and one daughter. Felice thinks she should shut up about it – outing herself as Dr. Martin’s daughter could ruin his reputation. “Don’t you see how one careless moment could destroy everything?” Felice yells, asking if Gina bothered to check her father’s blood pressure.
At the After Dark, Steve and Janet invite Noah over for dinner, but he doesn’t want anyone to babysit him. He realizes that Shane could have killed him, which would have been a crazy way to go out. Kelly asks Dylan about the kidnapping, wondering if he got a rush out of being in danger. He tells her that he risked his life to save Noah, and no, he didn’t enjoy it. He spits out that when his life flashed before his eyes, he didn’t give her a lot of thought.
David’s back at the Martins’ with Donna, who can’t sleep. She tells him that when she was a kid, she would fall asleep in her parents’ bed while her father read her Charlotte’s Web. She remembers her mother stroking her hair until she fell asleep, like David’s doing to her now. At the Beverly Royale, Dylan catches up with Gina, telling her not to let Felice bother her. They’re both sick of Beverly Hills, and he thinks they should move somewhere else together. Gina likes that idea.
Kelly accepts the job with Pia, who already has an assignment for her. She’ll be consulting on a campaign, and working to pass an initiative regarding gay student rights. Kelly’s excited to work for a cause she believes in. Dylan arrives and Kelly apologizes for calling him reckless when she didn’t know what really happened with Shane. He announces that he’s leaving town after Dr. Martin’s funeral. He doesn’t think there’s anything left for him in Beverly Hills.
David helps Donna out with some funeral-related tasks, and she tells him she really appreciates all his support. Gina comes over to tell them she’s leaving town after the funeral. She thanks Donna for being so great to her since their discovery that they’re sister. David thinks Gina should stick around; Dr. Martin’s death wasn’t her fault. Donna disagrees – she thinks he would still be alive if Gina hadn’t found out he was her father.
Kelly follows Dylan to his office to tell him she doesn’t want him to leave because of their fighting. She’ll miss him if he does go. She’s no longer supportive when she finds out he’s heading off with Gina. “By the way, how is Matt?” Dylan replies. Noah’s drunk at David’s house (does he live there, too? I seriously can’t remember), clearly traumatized by his abduction. He admits to David that he’s been thinking about suicide. David can relate, and he tells Noah that if he wants to kill himself, the responsibility’s all his own.
Dylan goes to see Donna before the funeral, but she’s not exactly in the mood to deal with more upheaval in her life. He tells her that sometimes leaving and coming back helps you see things differently. When he left, Donna was shy and sweet; now she’s confident and capable. He knows she can handle the responsibilities she’ll have to face with her father gone. She’s definitely more prepared than he was when his father died. Donna doesn’t get why he always runs away, or why he takes what he has for granted. More responsibilities mean she’ll need more help.
Kelly tells Matt that she took the PR job, and he admits he’s grateful to have her help. Kelly realizes that her assignment isn’t to support a ballot initiative for gay students’ rights – she’s been hired to prevent students from forming gay-related clubs. At the funeral, Felice tells David to seat Gina with the family. All Gina can focus on is her desire to get out of Beverly Hills.
Donna gives a nice eulogy, saying that her father was always the most important man in her life, and always will be. She reads a letter he wrote her while he was recovering from her stroke. It talks about having a second chance and getting to see what really matters in life – faith, love, and family. Donna gets too emotional to finish, so Gina takes over. Everyone cries. Felice personally asks Gina to sit with her and Donna, even giving her a hug.
After the service, Noah splits, asking Dylan to tell Donna he’ll catch up with her later. Dylan wonders if Gina’s changed her mind about running away – she’s in the front row now. Gina says that she got closure, but she doesn’t think Dylan did. Dylan has decided to stay in Beverly Hills to find the love, faith, and family Dr. Martin cherished.
David takes Camille back to his place, because I guess now that he’s done taking care of Donna, they can make out? Noah interrupts, and David looks through his groceries to make sure he didn’t buy any more alcohol. Noah was smart enough to put a bottle in his jacket pocket. At the Martins’, Gina says a final goodbye to Donna, who thinks she’s brave to head out on her own. They reminisce about playing together as kids, and how Donna always wished Gina could stay with her. She still does.
Everyone else gathers at the beach apartment, where Kelly and Dylan agree that they want to smooth things over. He tells her that’s one of the reasons he’s staying in town. David checks on Donna, promising that he and the rest of the gang are there for her like she was for him when his grandfather died. And then they make out. Okay, not really, but they should.
Thoughts: I wonder if the show decided to get rid of Gina or if Vanessa Marcil realized she was wasting her time and should get out.
Tori Spelling does a good job in this episode. She’s goot at portraying low-key sadness.
David, please never work for a suicide hotline.
November 7, 2015
Summary: Donna takes Gina to the Martins’ house so Dr. Martin can see both of his daughters at the same time. The Martins want to spend Christmas with both of them, but they’re hesitant to let Gina come to their Christmas party. They haven’t figured out how to explain her to their friends. Gina decides to leave, telling Donna to pick a side. Donna says she can’t go against her father, so Gina tells her she’s an only child again.
Dylan and David help Steve and Janet pick out a Christmas tree, an activity Steve’s filming for some reason. David and Dylan hug for the camera to show that they’re friends again. Janet runs into her parents, who are surprised to see that the baby has already been born. They make some civil conversation before the Sosnas leave.
Dylan takes a tree to the community center as Kelly brings over some presents. The two have some awkward talk about when she basically proposed (he finds it funny). A guy comes by to complain to Dylan about the mess some people make whenever they come to the community center for drug-recovery meetings. That just means Dylan has another problem to solve.
Noah wants to take Donna to Paris for Christmas/her birthday, but she’s not over his lies about going to Harvard. She’s also upset that he let his parents make his problems go away with money. At the Beverly Royale, Gina shares her problems with David, who apparently still wants to be friends after that whole…disaster. Felice shows up and offers Gina any amount of money she wants; after all, Dr. Martin has an obligation to her. Gina says no amount of money will make a difference.
Janet tries to make eggnog but can’t get it the way her mother makes it. Steve urges her to reach out to her parents and let them see Maddy. She calls her parents and invites them to dinner the next night. The annoyed neighbor returns to the community center, complaining to Dylan about declining property values. He pours out a bag of trash left in the neighborhood by junkies. The kids should be used to it, since they come from trash. Dylan punches the guy, who threatens to sue. Dylan tells the kids not to use their fists like he just did.
Gina goes to the Martins’ to tell her father she doesn’t want his money or pity. Dr. Martin wants to know what Gina expects from them. They talk about her stepfather, who Gina barely remembers, since she was so young when he died. She tells Dr. Martin that she doesn’t expect anything from him. Matt meets with a client who wants to sue over loss of intellectual property. He pays a $15,000 retainer. Merry Christmas, Matt!
Dylan and Andrew discuss the neighbor at the Peach Pit, as well as Andrew’s decision to cancel the recovery meetings being held there. Kelly shows up in time to pass judgment on Dylan for punching someone in front of the kids. Dylan denies that he’s a role model; he just finances things and hangs out. Kelly says that’s not enough.
The Sosnas come over for dinner, and things go really well. That is, until Steve mentions the wedding and Mr. Sosna decides it’s time to leave. As Dylan tries to find a new location for the recovery meetings, one of the community-center kids, R.J., hits another boy. Dylan realizes that the kids notice him more than he thought. At the beach apartment, Donna wonders if Noah was drunk the night of the accident that killed his girlfriend. Noah’s mad at her for meddling.
The next morning, Donna has breakfast with her parents, telling them that Noah lied to her. Now she wonders if she really knows him, just like she and Gina wonder if they really know her parents. Felice warns her not to develop Gina’s mindset. R.J. wants to play foosball with Dylan, but Dylan would rather talk to him about how hitting is wrong. He urges R.J. to apologize to the kid he hit. Amazingly, R.J. doesn’t tell Dylan to apologize to the guy he hit.
Donna finds Noah at the After Dark and tells him that she knows her parents were under pressure to make a decision, and didn’t necessarily make a good one. Noah and his family did the same thing after Beth died. Donna hopes they can get past this. Steve goes to the Sosnas’ house to confront them for only showing Janet conditional love. He won’t let them treat Maddy the same way. He invites them to stop by the next day, Christmas, but they only get this one last chance.
Kelly and Matt decorate a tree at the beach apartment, disagreeing on whether or not they should use tinsel. They exchange gifts, a book of maps of L.A. and Orange County for him, and a ring for her. After a slight hesitation, Kelly accepts Matt’s marriage proposal. On Christmas morning, Noah serves Donna a birthday breakfast in bed (well, just a croissant with a candle in it), and Kelly shows off her ring. Donna laments that things are changing quickly. She wishes Noah hadn’t been forced to grow up so fast.
Everyone gathers at the Walshes’ house, forgoing a gift exchange between each other and only bringing presents for Maddy. Donna tells Gina that she didn’t go to her parents’ party since she knew Gina wouldn’t be there. Dylan tells Kelly that she was right about his inability to think about consequences before he acts. He thinks they should try their relationship again. Apparently he doesn’t notice the giant diamond on her finger. Matt and Kelly announce their engagement, so Merry Christmas, Dylan.
Donna pulls Kelly out of the room to ask where her engagement leaves Dylan. Kelly admits that she sometimes thinks he could be the one, but it’s too easy for him to walk away. She loves Matt for who he is, not for who he’s trying to be. Gina and David watch Dylan look at his ex longingly. Janet’s parents arrive, and Janet’s touched to learn that Steve drove all the way across town the night before to talk to them. “We’re glad you both found each other,” Mrs. Sosna says.
Noah tells Donna that the accident with Beth was just an accident, but he’s worried that Donna will keep wondering if he was responsible. He thinks she’ll always find something not to trust him over. He’s gotten past the accident, and he doesn’t want to relive it while she deals with it. They’re done. In happier relationship news, Matt’s looking forward to growing old with Kelly.
Dylan watches It’s a Wonderful Life alone at the After Dark, like, at least go to the community center. Noah shows up and almost joins him for a drink, but changes his mind. Gina goes to see Donna, and they discuss how Gina’s world has been shaken, but that doesn’t mean she has to have a sad ending. The sisters seem to be on good terms now – a Christmas miracle!
Thoughts: What made Felice think Gina would respond to her blank-check offer any different than Ray did?
So Dylan just hangs around the community center and doesn’t play with the kids? What’s the point?
Matt’s defense of tinsel: “It’s shiny!” This is why you’re a good law-talkin’ guy, Matt.
What’s with Donna getting dumped on her birthday?
October 24, 2015
Summary: Everyone’s gathered at the hospital, where Janet has just given birth. Steve’s with his wife, and when she wakes up, he tells her they have a daughter. However, Janet and the baby aren’t in the best shape right now. In the waiting room, Gina catches Donna staring at her. Steve tells the gang that Janet will be fine, but the baby’s having some breathing problems. Matt has a bunch of cigars, and Steve tells him to hold on to them until later.
At the Peach Pit the next day, Kelly and Matt tell Erin about the baby. Kelly’s worried that Jackie and Mel will use Erin as ammo in their approaching custody battle. Matt suggests that he, Kelly, Jackie, and Erin have Thanksgiving together. Dylan arrives, and Nat confirms that he has 14 turkeys for Thanksgiving. Dylan’s decided to host a big dinner at the community center.
The day before Thanksgiving, Noah goes with Donna to her parents’ house so she can talk to her father about Gina being his daughter. Gina’s already there, cooking with Felice. She mentions her “father” and how close they were. At the hospital, Janet’s doctor wants to see if the baby can breathe on her own, though the process could cause complications. On the other hand, too much oxygen could cause other complications, like blindness. Janet demands to see her daughter.
At the boutique, Dylan asks Kelly if she’s interested in helping out with dinner at the community center. Erin hates the idea of doing chores on a holiday. Kelly points out that Dylan can hire people to help him. Jackie complains about Mel and his lawyer, not realizing that Erin’s there. When she does realize it, she’s not apologetic – Erin should know that her father’s a jerk.
Gina leaves for a while, and Felice complains about her lack of cooking ability. Donna calls her out for whining after she fawned over Gina all morning. Dr. Martin comes home, and Donna learns that he had nothing to do with inviting Gina to dinner. She tells her father about her discovery, and he admits that he’s Gina’s dad. Also, Felice has known all along. Donna’s upset that she and Gina were lied to their entire lives.
Donna and Noah go to the Peach Pit, where she tries to wrap her mind around her parents’ lies. David arrives, and Donna has another moment of disbelief, realizing that her ex is dating her secret sister. David asks her to go easy on Gina. Speaking of Gina, Dylan tries to make nice with her with food and a bunch of flowers. She asks if he’s ever had a genuine feeling for anyone.
Kelly and Dylan visit Steve and Janet as they’re preparing to go see their daughter. Kelly laments that she feels useless about both the baby and Erin. Dylan suggests that she come serve dinner with him – it’s at least a direct solution to a problem. Donna returns to her parents’ house, asking for details on how Gina came to be. Apparently Dr. Martin got drunk and hooked up with Bobbi after a fight with Felice. Gina’s stepfather was happy to be considered her father, so the family never said anything. Donna’s mad that they didn’t.
Dylan and Kelly cook together, and he tries to ignore her when she says she needs to call Matt. He pulls her hair back for her, which is totally not an excuse to touch her hair and her neck. Kelly brings up the fact that Gina and David are together, then tries to discuss Dylan’s revelation that he was at her wedding. He decides to give up and let her call Matt.
Gina takes Janet some of the pink roses Dylan gave her. David brings up the fact that Dylan’s still footing her bill at the hotel. He can’t figure out where Gina and Dylan stand. Gina claims that she’s trying to get over her ex. Janet and Steve lament that they’re still unsure of the baby’s prognosis, since they keep hearing different things. Gina appreciates that David wants to know the things she likes, like pink roses. She asks if she can spend the night at his place.
Matt’s waiting at the beach apartment when Dylan brings Kelly home. Jackie calls to accept Kelly’s invitation to help serve dinner at the community center. Matt asks Dylan about the dinner; he doesn’t think volunteering is something Dylan would normally do. He seems to think Dylan’s trying to show Kelly that he’s serious – serious about her, that is.
On Thanksgiving morning, Nat tells Erin that she gets the honor of putting whipped cream on the pies when the time comes. Erin’s more impressed with the hot fudge sundae her father let her have the night before. Jackie complains about her ex’s new living arrangements, so Kelly sends Erin away and tells her mother to stop talking trash about Mel in front of the girl.
Dylan arrives and announces that he can’t help transfer the food from the Peach Pit to the community center. He has to go to the airport and see an aunt Kelly’s never heard him mention before. Kelly blasts him for ditching his volunteers and a project he organized. David takes Gina a pink rosebush, seeing for the first time that she already has plenty of flowers in her room. He’s mad that she claims to be mad at Dylan but kept the flowers. She wishes he would be more patient.
Janet, Steve, Donna, and Noah go see the baby, who’s doing better. Donna and Noah are impressed with how well the new parents are handling the situation. Janet decides that she wants to name the baby Madeline, which means “tower of strength.” Erin’s not helpful at the community center, and Jackie’s still complaining about Mel. Kelly tells her again to stop trashing him in front of their daughter. She’s been in Erin’s position; Jackie clearly has a pattern. Jackie points out that Kelly has one, too – she keeps cleaning up after Dylan.
Donna, Gina, and Noah have dinner with the Martins, who offer to pay for a ticket if Gina wants to go back to Denver to visit her mother. Donna objects, wondering in the next room if her parents are trying to get Gina to leave town. She wants to give Gina the news that they’re sisters. Felice points out that Gina will be mad that Donna had such a great life with lots of money while she and Bobbi struggled. “Happy Thanksgiving. You make me sick,” Donna tells her parents. She asks Noah and Gina to leave with her, but Gina stays, calling Donna spoiled.
Erin’s bratty again at the community center, wanting to do something she claims Mel would let her do. This time Jackie doesn’t make a negative comment about Mel. Yay, she learned! She confirms that she knows the divorce is tough on Erin, but her parents still love her. Then she suggests that Erin call Mel to wish him a happy Thanksgiving.
Later in the evening, the gang takes food to Janet and Steve at the hospital. David and Dylan confirm that they’re able to be in the same room at the same time. Steve says a sweet prayer, thanking God for Madeline and their friends. Matt questions Dylan about his activities that day, mentioning that, since Matt put together Dylan’s will, he knows there’s no aunt. But he’s grateful that Dylan gave him the chance to spend time with Kelly.
Gina arrives to tell David that she threw all of Dylan’s flowers out the window. David apologizes for being a jerk, but Gina’s fine with the way things have turned out. Donna pulls Gina away from the group, asking how dinner was with the Martins. Gina reports that Felice started crying and Dr. Martin left. Donna apologizes for ruining the holiday, which never went well for her after her “father” died. The gang heads to the NICU, where Janet has finally been able to hold the baby. Janet and Steve are all, “It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!”
Thoughts: Now we know why Felice is so awful – her husband slept with her sister! That said, she gets points for being nice to Gina.
This David/Gina thing is a mess and I want it to be over.
Janet looks good for someone who just had an emergency C-section.
Want to feel old? Madeline would now be old enough to drive. Have a nice day!
July 25, 2015
Summary: Dylan, Gina, Kelly, David, and Matt are at the Peach Pit, talking about how Dylan and Matt hustled an ex-client of Matt’s at a pool hall the previous night. Kelly suggests scamming some kids out of their lunch money next. Gina mentions that she’s going to hang out with Oksana Baiul, who she used to train with. Dylan thinks he and Matt should take their girlfriends to the pool hall that night, I guess so they can show off their coolness.
David recognizes another Peach Pit patron as Sonny Sharp, one of his favorite radio DJs. Sonny’s surprised to hear so much praise. David invites Sonny to go on the air with him, and though Sonny says he’ll come, he’s clearly not interested. Kelly feels strange about Dylan and Matt hanging out, as do I, since Matt has no idea that Dylan and Kelly slept together in Mexico.
Donna has dinner with her bickering parents, who are impressed with how mature and successful she’s become. Then they ruin the moment by announcing that they’re separating. Donna turns her anxiety over the revelation into a cleaning spree, telling Noah she’s trying to keep herself busy. She’s sure her mother’s to blame for the split. She adds that Felice had an affair. Noah urges Donna to talk to her parents about her feelings.
Steve and Janet chat with an 11-year-old genius named Peter who they’re writing an article about. He’s so smart that he’s on his way to college.) Steve wonders if the kid knows anything outside of academia, like who the Lakers are. “I’m sorry you have to work with such a dullard,” Peter tells Janet. Steve thinks it’s horrible that Peter isn’t allowed to do kid things. Janet thinks Steve’s jealous.
Gina meets with Oksana’s assistant, who reveals that Oksana isn’t in town after all. Also, she and Gina never made plans to hang out – Gina’s going to be house-sitting for the Olympian. Sonny does David’s show while Gina meets up with Dylan, Kelly, and Matt at the pool hall. Their hustle targets from the previous night show up, wanting revenge. Dylan and Matt get in a fistfight with them while Kelly and Gina hide under a pool table.
David’s station manager, Rick, slams him for bringing Sonny on the show and boring everyone. Sonny takes that as his cue to leave. Next door, Donna tells Felice not to be selfish and fight Dr. Martin over their belongings. She brings up Felice’s affair, accusing her of being to blame for the separation. Felice says that Dr. Martin has been shutting her out for the past two months. He’s the one who wanted to separate.
Peter’s mother thanks Steve and Janet for their article, since it got her son a lot of publicity. She asks about a magic show coming up at the After Dark, mentioning that Peter’s very interested in magic because he sees it as a brainteaser. Janet offers to take him to the show. As Dr. Martin moves his things out of the house, with help from a midlife-crisis-mobile, Donna and Noah arrive. Donna wonders if her father is leaving to be with another woman. Dr. Martin says there’s no real reason for his request for the separation.
Gina takes Kelly, Matt, and Dylan out in Oksana’s car, talking about how close she and Oksana are. Matt’s skeptical that they’re really friends, so Gina invites them over to the house. But Oksana’s assistant tracks her down to yell at her for not taking care of the skater’s fish. She reveals that Oksana doesn’t even like Gina; she just feels sorry for her. “Are you mediocre at everything you do, or is the list complete at house-sitting and skating?” the assistant asks.
Donna and Felice meet with the Martins’ priest at the beach apartment so Donna can ask him to counsel her parents. Felice is willing to try, but she doesn’t think Dr. Martin will submit. Dr. Martin comes over but immediately leaves when he realizes what’s going on. He slams Donna for not respecting his privacy.
Steve and Janet get Peter a backstage visit with the star of the magic show, Dr. Van Fertle. He’s also a hypnotist, and he tries to hypnotize Peter to get him to believe it can be done. As Peter’s leaving, Van Fertle tells him, “You’re nothing but a dumb kid.” David and Sonny are at the show, and David mentions that he learned that Sonny isn’t working at a radio station as a DJ – he works in a music library. Sonny says his best years are behind him, as everyone keeps telling him.
The magic show begins, and either Van Fertle is horrible or he pretends to be as part of his character. He brings Kelly on stage and hypnotizes her as Matt tries to cheer up Gina. He urges her to stop trying to compete with everyone. Van Fertle tells Kelly he’s going to ask her questions she must give truthful answers to. He asks which of her suitors she’d like to be stuck with on a deserted island. Kelly answers Dylan. Afterward, she has no memory of the trick, but Dylan, Gina, and Matt certainly do.
Once Kelly figures out what happened, she tells Matt that she probably said Dylan’s name because he was the last person she saw before she went on stage. Matt’s still not happy. Gina’s even less thrilled, slapping Kelly when she tries to explain things. Steve and Janet take Peter to the Peach Pit, where he acts like a typical annoying kid and can no longer calculate square roots. Janet figures out that Van Fertle’s hypnotism “broke him.” Steve’s like, “Yay, I have someone to play with!”
Gina tries to leave, but Oksana’s car has a flat tire. A guy offers to help her out, and when Gina resists, he pulls out a knife and tries to kidnap her. Dylan and Kelly come out but don’t see anyone. Kelly thinks Gina made up the attack to get attention. Noah takes David and Sonny backstage, betting David $20 that he can’t use one of Van Fertle’s contraptions to make himself disappear. David gets locked inside and sends Sonny back to the booth to continue his show so he doesn’t get in trouble. Turns out it was a trick to get him back on the air.
While Donna wonders if Kelly really does want to be with Dylan, Noah meets up with Dr. Martin on a golf course, wanting to know why Dr. Martin is throwing away his whole life. Dr. Martin recently lost a friend, and that combined with his stroke made him want to do more interesting things. Felice wasn’t game, so Dr. Martin decided they were too different. Noah points out that she might change her mind if she knew what Dr. Martin was going through. Dylan learns that someone has been attacking women around the city, so Gina’s story is true after all.
Steve and Peter play at an arcade while Janet sets up a meeting with Van Fertle to undo his hypnosis. Steve thinks they should leave Peter alone – he can do awesome genius things when he’s older. Janet reveals that she was similar to Peter when she was a child, but she didn’t pursue anything big. She hopes Peter doesn’t end up with regrets like she did. Steve thinks they should encourage him to be happy. Peter says something physics-y to another kid at the arcade, making Janet realize that the hypnosis didn’t take after all.
Kelly and Matt make up, and I’m pretty sure I type that for every episode. Felice breaks down in front of Donna and Noah, wondering what she might have done to drive Dr. Martin away. He arrives and promises that there’s nothing she did wrong. He wishes he’d communicated with her more. Now he’s willing to go to counseling and try to work things out with Felice.
Kelly apologizes to Gina for not believing her about the attack, and for what happened when she was hypnotized. Gina laments that she doesn’t have Oksana’s life. Kelly urges her to let go of not fulfilling her dreams; if she doesn’t, she’ll never be happy. Gina asks her to promise to let Dylan go. Peter admits that he faked his hypnosis, then tells his mother he doesn’t want to go to college yet. She’s very understanding, easily respecting his wishes.
Sonny’s turn on David’s show turned out to be good for the station, and Rick wants to give him his own show. Sonny’s grateful to David for pushing him to go back to what he loves. While Gina and Dylan make up (I think that happens in every episode, too), Kelly can’t stop herself from spying on the couple. Dylan sees her and suddenly isn’t so content with his current girlfriend.
Jennie Garth directed this episode. It’s not that great, but good for her.
We’ve now seen Felice eating at the Peach Pit at least twice. It still makes no sense to me. What does she even eat there?
Van Fertle calls for an intermission after one trick. I would ask for my money back.
Kelly only had her exes and Matt to choose from for the island question, so I can’t blame her for picking Dylan. Who else would she want to be stuck on an island with? Brandon?
I can’t decide which triangle is most annoying: Kelly/Matt/Dylan, Kelly/Dylan/Brandon, or Kelly/Brenda/Dylan.
July 4, 2015
Summary: Lauren’s left Beverly Hills, and Matt has stayed behind, as she wanted. He thanks Kelly for being so great to his wife, and for, you know, going to Mexico and smuggling drugs to try to help her. They haven’t yet discussed where their relationship stands, and though it sounds like they want to get back together, they want to give each other time. Gina and Donna continue confronting Felice and Bobbi about how Felice didn’t stop Bobbi from taking money from Gina’s trust fund. Gina storms out of their lunch, intent on suing for the money.
Donna confides in Noah that she feels stuck in the middle of the family feud. Noah offers comfort by kissing her, but things get awkward when David arrives. Donna tries to talk to David, who tells her she made her choice, so she has to live with it. Dylan’s out jet-skiing and starts racing a guy who’s been drinking. The guy cuts him off and Dylan falls off, getting knocked out. Someone pulls him out of the water and revives him on the beach, then runs off. As he does, Dylan pulls a hospital bracelet off of his wrist.
At the boutique, Donna tells Kelly that she and Noah are still together, rather than back together; they never officially broke up. She laments that David doesn’t understand that. Kelly reveals that something happened with her and Dylan in Mexico, but she doesn’t give any details. Gina arrives and announces that she’s suing Felice for more than a million dollars – the money she lost plus a bunch for pain and suffering. Kelly criticizes her, but Gina doesn’t care what she thinks since she’s back with Matt two days after Lauren left.
Matt works on a plea deal with a deputy DA named Jay, arguing that his client is being railroaded for a drug charge because she’s African-American. The client, a teenager named Linda, refuses to plead guilty to a crime she didn’t commit. Dylan tells Gina about his jet-ski accident and how he’s going to search for the guy who saved his life. He asks about her lawsuit, but Gina doesn’t want him to get involved. They agree to keep their current activities separate from each other.
Steve acquires a black book from a “madam to the stars” who wants to expose her clients. Steve is eager to increase circulation, but Janet knows they’d be hit with a ton of lawsuits. Dylan looks for his savior, Patrick, but is told that he died in December. Ooh, Dylan was saved by a ghost! This is a twist! Kelly comes over, worried that she cheated on Matt by sleeping with Dylan. Dylan is zero percent worried that he cheated on Valerie. He notes that this isn’t the first time he and Kelly have hooked up while he was dating someone else. Dylan also thinks that he and Kelly will wind up together someday.
Donna approaches David at the After Dark, wanting to make sure she hasn’t ruined their friendship. She’s sure he’ll find someone else to be with. She encourages him to try new things so he can meet someone different. David balks, so Donna comes up with a new idea: He can pimp himself out over the radio. (Okay, maybe that’s not what she says, but it’s what she means.) David challenges his single female listeners to convince him that there’s someone out there for him.
Dylan goes to the hospital and confirms that Patrick is dead. Also, there’s a rundown playground for young patients next to the hospital. Think that’ll be important later? Dylan learns that Patrick was only seven, so the guy who saved him definitely isn’t Patrick. The doctor he talks to wonders if the guy is Patrick’s older brother, Tim. Matt invites Kelly and Dylan to dinner to thank them for what they did for Lauren. I’m sure that won’t be awkward at all!
Steve consults with Matt, who tells him he can’t be sued for libel if the information in the black book is true. Steve wants to prove that a talk-show host named Mark Chapel is sleeping with prostitutes; he’s going to tail Mark to confirm it. Donna’s now against Gina’s lawsuit, since she’s going after Felice instead of a bank. She thinks Felice just made a mistake. Gina wants to ensure that she has money in the future, and this is the way to do it. She wishes Donna would stand up for her like she did when they were kids.
Matt approaches Jay again, having spotted his name in the black book. Jay wants to be DA someday, so that information coming out could be devastating to his career. Matt tries to use it to get the charges against his client dropped, but the attempt backfires. Now he’s tried to blackmail a deputy DA. A bunch of women send David letters, but there’s at least one who’s not interested in him – a Venezuelan woman calls in to mock him. David puts her on hold to talk to her off the air, but he accidentally hangs up on her.
Donna, Gina, Felice, and Bobbi go to dinner so Felice and Gina can fight in a different location than usual. When Bobbi goes outside to smoke, Felice complains about her sister’s lack of self-control. Dylan finally tracks down Tim, who doesn’t care that he saved a life. He was responsible for his brother’s death in a car accident, and he hates himself for it. He mocks that Dylan must think fate put them on the beach at the same time. Dylan does. Tim admits that he was trying to kill himself when he came across Dylan.
Steve and Janet go on a stakeout to bust Mark for sleeping with a prostitute. Janet notes that they don’t know anything about Mark. Steve thinks the fact that he keeps a hotel suite full-time is enough to prove there’s something going on. But when Mark comes out of his house, Steve figures out what’s probably really going on: Mark and his wife are separated, and he sleeps at the hotel instead of their home, then comes home early in the morning so his kids don’t find out.
David tells Noah that the Venezuelan caller is coming to the station to meet him. Meanwhile, Claudia, a Latina woman on the After Dark’s cleaning crew, mops around them. Are you putting the pieces together? Because David isn’t. His admirer shows up, but she’s not the caller, so David isn’t interested. Dylan, Kelly, and Matt have their dinner together, because this episode is all about awkward meals. Dylan doesn’t think they should be thanked because Lauren didn’t actually let them help. He’s become existential because of Tim. Kelly and Dylan think it’s a bad way to think.
Donna and Felice eat at the Peach Pit, which is really weird. I’m surprised Felice even sets foot in there. Donna wonders why they’re not close to Felice’s family, but Felice thinks it’s obvious – Bobbi and Gina are trainwrecks. Donna says that Felice would rather turn her back on her own sister than admit that she made a mistake. She needs to pay Gina what she’s lost. Dylan tells Gina that he’s been going through the motions for months, and the jet-ski accident shook him up. He still doesn’t care about anything, though, and pretty much tells Gina she doesn’t mean anything to him.
Matt’s blackmail paid off after all, and Jay agrees to drop the charges against Linda. He blasts Matt for being unethical, but Matt doesn’t care. He tells Kelly that he wanted to save Linda since he couldn’t save Lauren. Lauren’s friend Anna comes by with divorce papers – Lauren wants Matt to be free to date other people. Steve destroys the black book, telling Janet he feels sympathy for Mark since he went through his own parents’ divorce. Learning about Mark’s life has opened up old wounds.
Felice tells Gina that she’ll pay back the money if Gina drops the lawsuit. Gina hesitates, so Donna tells her how she stuck up for her. Bobbi and Gina get the last laugh when they tell Felice how much Bobbi used to trash-talk her. Dylan returns to the hospital, having financed the overhaul of the playground. What a surprise! He’s invited Tim there to help rebuild it. Their existentialism is immediately cured! Kelly and Linda both think Matt deserves good things, even though he may have done bad things to get there. Kelly has decided that she’s ready to get back together with him.
Gina and Bobbi go out to celebrate the fact that Gina’s getting her money. The whole deal with the trust was a scam to get money out of Felice. Sneaky! David calls off his pursuit of a new love, deciding to leave it up to fate. He sees Claudia watching him and goes out to talk to her. The second she talks to him, he realizes she was the caller. She tells him she was leaving things up to fate, too. Outside, Matt and Kelly officially get back together. So that’s a happy ending for everyone, I guess.
Thoughts: Jay is played by Kevin Rahm (Ted on Mad Men, Lee on Desperate Housewives). Anna is played by Real Housewife Kyle Richards.
I like the twist with Gina and Bobbi. It was very Valerie/Ginger.
Noah has no purpose on this show anymore. Not that he ever really did, but now it’s even more obvious.
May 17, 2015
Summary: Why do we always start out at the After Dark? Dylan and Gina are there, making out. He loans her his jacket and she finds heroin in one of the pockets. It’s an instant turnoff. David complains on the air that there are only couples there, and asks for advice finding a girlfriend. Donna and Janet talk about how guys are losers; they share the worst pickup lines they’ve ever heard. Noah tells them they don’t understand how hard it is to pick up a woman. Steve says he’s mastered the “art” and can teach it to others. Janet suggests he title it the name of this episode.
Things are going well for Matt and Kelly, but she hesitates when he tries to take things to the bedroom for the first time. It doesn’t help that they’re at the Walshes’ house. Gina turns up at David and Dylan’s the next day, though it looks like all she wants to do is pout. Dylan makes a show of flushing his drugs, saying that Gina finding them was the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Donna thinks Kelly was perfectly justified in putting Matt off, despite Kelly’s worries that he’s mad at her now. Gina gets in a dig by making it seem like she spent the night with Dylan.
Donna addresses the things Gina said at her birthday party, and Gina claims she didn’t mean any of them. She announces that she’s gotten a job as a personal trainer. Her first client? Felice. Steve has actually started a class on picking up women, and he’s using Janet’s title, How to Be the Jerk Women Love. He asks David to video the classes so he can more easily spread his knowledge to the masses. Janet notes that he’ll be able to make more money that way, too. She thinks Steve is sacrificing his dignity, as if he ever had any of that.
Felice wishes Donna were as ambitious as Gina, who at least tried to get to the Olympics. She doesn’t think Donna has the attention span to stick with the store for long. Felice invites Gina to a luncheon with her (JFK, Jr. will be there!), thinking that Donna wouldn’t want to go. Kelly goes to see Matt, who’s taking cooking lessons from a woman named Marissa. Kelly gets jealous, because she’s a woman and we women always get jealous whenever someone else of our gender is around.
Donna, Gina, and Noah look at paintings at a museum opening while Dylan uses the bathroom. Gee, I wonder what he’s doing? Gina casually mentions that she’s going to the luncheon with Felice. Of course Dylan’s using in the bathroom, and he yells at a kid who wants to come in, because drug users are always mean and make kids sad. He tells Gina to pick out a painting and he’ll buy it for her. Noah can immediately tell that Dylan’s high, but Gina seems clueless. Gina sees that the painting she likes is from the Marchette collection…as in Anthony Marchette.
The next morning, Gina wakes up with a drug-sick Dylan, who insists that everything’s under control. He also doesn’t want to talk about Marchette. Gina asks if Dylan’s using needles, and even though he says he’s not, she decides they’re through. Kelly sees Marissa heading up to Matt’s office and laments to Donna that she’s to blame, since she didn’t sleep with Matt. David asks Kelly to come on his radio show to talk about relationships. Kelly and Donna learn of Steve’s seminar and crack up, which is the only appropriate response. They decide to sneak in.
Dylan goes to the cemetery and has flashbacks that recap the whole Toni/Anthony thing. But when he arrives at Toni’s grave, someone else is now buried there. He learns that she’s been disinterred, but her new location isn’t available. Dylan handles the news calmly and maturely ha ha ha ha ha no, he doesn’t. Gina decides to give up her spot at the luncheon, telling Donna that she thought Felice had already invited her and Donna had turned down the offer. Gina says that whenever Felice says bad things about her daughter, Gina defends her. Donna doesn’t like this.
Kelly and Donna hide out in the control room while Steve leads his seminar at the After Dark. He shows footage of a discussion he had with Noah and Matt, in which Matt says he prefers romance over cheesy pickup lines. Donna notes that he recently made Kelly a home-cooked meal, which makes Kelly think he was just using his typical technique on her. Dylan goes to the beach apartment to angst over Toni to Gina, whose awkward shoulder pat shows that she has no idea how to show empathy.
Kelly storms up to Matt’s office to complain about how women keep going up to his floor. He’s like, “I’m…a lawyer? With clients? And also, there’s a salon next door? Maybe they’re going there? Would you like to get your nails done, too?” Kelly then complains that Matt likes to cook dinner for women, so when he did it for her, it must have just been part of his game. He tells her he was trying to flirt. Back at the seminar, Steve plays footage of a fake pickup between him and Janet; he uses a sob story about his late grandmother to get sympathy.
At the beach apartment, Donna teases Noah by using his pickup lines from the video. Gina and Felice return from a shopping trip; Felice seems to enjoy being able to dress up her new fake daughter. Gina tries to smooth things between mother and daughter by giving up her spot at the luncheon, but Donna says she won’t go no matter what. Felice is like, “Well, you ruined today.” Mother of the year, that one.
Steve takes his class to the After Dark so they can practice using all the lines he’s taught them. Meanwhile, David and Kelly take calls from people who want relationship advice. A girl wants to know whether she should sleep with her boyfriend; she’s afraid he’ll dump her if she doesn’t. Kelly and David tell her to go at her own pace. The guys from the class all fail at picking up women, which is no surprise since they needed a class to learn how in the first place. Steve tells Janet it’s not his fault.
Kelly continues to tell callers that they need to take relationships slowly. Steve goes in to yell at her for putting that idea in people’s heads. Kelly goes out to dance with Matt, who tells her he’s fine with taking things slowly. However, if she changes her mind, he has a nice date planned for them. Kelly’s like, “I never intended to take my own advice! Slow is bad! Sex is good!” Dylan goes to buy a gun from a guy who’s chewing a toothpick, so you know he’s trustworthy. Meanwhile, Matt and Kelly take things the opposite of slowly, heading to his bedroom.
Steve and David find Dylan’s gun and rush to confront him for bringing it into the house. They’re concerned with his behavior, as they should be. Kelly tells Matt that she does want to take things slowly after all because she really likes him and doesn’t want to screw anything up. Donna tells Gina that Felice’s recent behavior is typical of her; Gina should be lucky that she wound up with a better mother. Gina reveals that she’s had to give half of her paychecks to her mom for years. Donna appreciates Gina standing up for her. As soon as she’s alone, Gina calls Felice to say that Donna’s behavior the previous day was unacceptable.
David tries to use one of Steve’s lines on a woman, but it doesn’t work. He and Steve can’t remember what it’s like to be in a normal relationship. Steve encourages David to try his dead-grandmother story on a woman, but David tries to have a regular conversation with her first. When it goes poorly, David tries out the story. The guys from the class confront Steve for not teaching them anything that worked, not realizing that at least one method has been successful.
Kelly and Matt plan to hang out, but first, the bedroom. Yeah, they’re really going slowly here. Gina tries to talk to Dylan, who says he needs to go see someone. She’s sick of him being mysterious and tells him they’ll have to stop spending time together if he keeps it up. Dylan tells her he wants to see Marchette and find out where Toni’s body is. Obviously, that’s what the gun is for. Ruh-roh!
Thoughts: Kelly and Donna giggling over Steve’s horrible pickup lines cracked me up, too.
How much did Steve have to pay Janet to participate in a seminar video? Does he have some kind of dirt on her? Janet, are you being blackmailed? Do you need help? Blink twice if you need to be rescued.
Donna, the pigtails on their own are okay. The shirt with the duckling on it is cute. But together, they make you look six. Maybe go shopping with Felice.
October 12, 2014
Summary: Kelly reads a magazine article by a woman named Emma Bennett and suggests that Brandon have her write something for the Beverly Beat. She will regret this later. Donna cooks Noah breakfast, but their alone time is interrupted by Felice. Donna confronts her mother for not mentioning that they’re auctioning off the family’s boat. This will leave Noah homeless. Felice is stunned to hear that Donna and David have broken up and that Donna’s spending time with Noah the “wharf rat.” Donna’s shocked that Felice is being superficial, because Donna’s never met her mother.
Kelly’s working at the Wyatt Clinic now with Dr. Monahan, hero to the downtrodden. Valerie visits Noah on the boat to ask him what he plans to do with the After Dark. She’d like to run it again. Noah taunts that he might take that job, but Val doesn’t think he’d like working inside. He won’t budge. David goes to the Beverly Beat to look at the classifieds, and Steve advises him to make nice with Noah so he can get his job back. David would rather never think about Noah again. Brandon doesn’t know that Noah’s dating Donna, and David’s mad that Brandon wants to take Noah’s side.
Carly and Steve are supposed to go on a date, but Zach’s sick. Noah finds David moping at the Peach Pit and asks him to run the After Dark. David thinks Donna’s behind the offer and turns it down. Kelly’s been talking up Monahan, which makes Brandon a little jealous, but she tells him Monahan is married. Brandon has taken her suggestion to meet with Emma about writing for the Beverly Beat. David starts a job at a store called Khaki Nation, and why would anyone shop in a place with that name?
Steve takes Carly to the Walshes’ house for a little alone time. Valerie and an exterminator interrupt. Steve’s having a bad week. Brandon offers Emma a job, but she’d rather stick to freelancing. She agrees to write an article to see how things go. Also, she couldn’t be coming on to Brandon more if she actually said, “I want to make out with you right now.” The After Dark is doing well under new management, so Val can’t bug him about that. Instead, she warns him that karma will get him for what he’s done to David.
Kelly has a stiff shoulder, so Monahan offers to examine it. And by “examine it,” he means massage it while sliding off her sweater and camisole strap. Kelly’s creeped out, as she should be. At the beach apartment, Donna crabs at David, telling him he’s the one responsible for losing the club and not letting Noah make things up to him. Noah tells Valerie that she was right about him not being able to run the club, and he’d like her to come back to work. She negotiates a deal and accepts.
Kelly tells Brandon about Monahan’s unprofessional behavior, though Brandon doesn’t see it that way. He thinks she’d be more sure if Monahan really crossed a line. She was probably just uncomfortable because she was being examined by someone she knows. After all, she’s talked him up so much that there’s no way he can be a bad guy. Kelly accuses Brandon of accusing her of making things up. Brandon says that if she were really uncomfortable, she would have said something.
David’s horrible at his job and gets blasted for being unprofessional. He’s already past his limit and quits. Monahan asks Kelly to sit in on an exam so he can’t be accused of sexual harassment or impropriety. Hi, irony! How are you? Speaking of unprofessional behavior, here’s Emma. Brandon’s clearer on her behavior being inappropriate than he was about Monahan’s. Steve and Carly try again for an afternoon delight, but her mom has already beaten them to it with a date of her own. Also, she’ll be going to Arizona for a few months, so there goes Carly’s babysitter.
David isn’t concerned about being unemployed and beats Donna to the punch in telling him it’s his own fault. He snarks at her for being down because her life is going so well right now. She tells him that she’s starting to think she made a mistake by having sex with him. Wow, way to kick him when he’s down. David reminds Donna that he was fine waiting, so, as she would say, she has no one to blame but herself. Donna wants them to be friends, but David isn’t there yet. (He’ll still live with her, though.)
Noah’s interested in the Valerie who puts a lot into her work, since so far he’s only seen the shrew version of Val. Later, Val runs into Donna at the Peach Pit and reveals that she’s working with Noah. Donna goes straight next door to yell at her boyfriend for his bad decisions. He promises that there’s nothing personal going on, and besides, Donna has no right to say anything since she still lives with her ex-boyfriend. Donna doesn’t want to have to deal with Val hovering around her and Noah, though Noah thinks she’s backing away because Felice disapproves of him.
Brandon declines to tell Kelly that Emma hit on him. Kelly says she thinks she overreacted to Monahan, who’s always so careful with his female patients. Steve assures Carly that he’ll help her find another babysitter for Zach, and possibly not just because if they don’t find one, that’s it for Steve’s love life. Carly realizes that they’re finally alone in the house without even trying. Emma gives Brandon her article and hits on him some more.
David and Valerie hang out, talking about his new job at a carwash, and run into Donna. Her anger at seeing them together makes Valerie want to spend more time with David to make Donna and Noah jealous. David isn’t sure the plan will work, but he’s willing to go along with it. At the clinic, Monahan tells Kelly that she looks beautiful today, which doesn’t fill her with joy the way he probably hoped it would.
Donna meets Felice for the boat auction, and Felice apologizes for butting into Donna’s life. She should really apologize for the horrible things she said about Noah, but this is probably the best we can hope for. Just before the bidding ends, Noah arrives and offers $325,000 for the boat. Felice thinks he’s goofing off, since he’s a pathetic little street urchin. He gets the boat, and when Felice sees his check, she realizes who his family is. Donna’s proud of herself for keeping quiet, knowing Felice would treat Noah differently if she knew he had money.
Noah and Donna make up, and now they have their own boat to make out on whenever they want. Brandon notices that Kelly’s a little down, but she insists that everything’s fine. Emma calls, because it’s been five minutes since she flirted with Brandon, and she’s about to stop breathing. He turns down her offer to come over and check out her lingerie, but she’s sure he’ll eventually change his mind. When Kelly asks who called, Brandon tells her it was a wrong number.
Thoughts: “Wharf rat”? Go away, Felice.
Ugh, Brandon. Way to listen to your girlfriend, you jerk. Your attitude is one of the reasons women don’t report harassment or assaults.
I don’t think I could hate Emma more if I tried. Part of me does want to try, though.
Donna should be happy that Valerie’s spending time with David. It means she’s not spending time with Noah.
August 10, 2014
BH90210 8.3, Forgive and Forget: This Is Not the Time for Your Stupid Problems, Everyone Who’s Not Kelly
Summary: Kelly is rushed to the hospital after her shooting and quickly taken to surgery. The rest of the gang is questioned by a detective who wants to find the shooter. Most of them didn’t get a good look at the guy or his friends, so no one’s stories match up. Brandon, however, remembers exactly what the shooter looked like and vows to kill him if he comes across him again.
Someone calls Jackie, who arrives just as Kelly’s doctor comes to tell everyone how she’s doing. Despite multiple injuries, she’s expected to recover. Brandon sends the rest of the gang home to rest but refuses to leave the hospital. Steve goes to the Peach Pit, where Nat hasn’t heard what happened. KEG’s new rush chair wants to chat with his predecessor, who’s not in the mood.
Steve tells Nat about the shooting, then asks for the keys to the After Dark so he can get a drink. The rush chair pulls him over to talk to his friends, and Steve invites them to join him at the After Dark. Meanwhile, David and Donna go to the beach apartment, but he doesn’t want to stay the night or move in until she fulfills her promise to tell her parents they’re going to live together. Noah has Valerie take him to a random house to go swimming. Ugh, just have sex already.
Back at the hospital, Jackie says that the detective told her Brandon tried to protect Kelly. Brandon, however, blames himself for causing the shooting, since he picked a fight with the car thieves. In the morning, Noah wakes up in Valerie’s bed and sneaks out while she’s still asleep. Kelly wakes up to find Brandon by her side.
Apparently David spent the night after all, or maybe just came by the beach apartment early in the morning, in his pajamas, to help Donna make the bed. Felice shows up, and David thinks this is the perfect time for Donna to tell her they’re living together. She makes him hide in the closet. Felice asks Donna why she’s acting weird, and Donna tells her she got fired in Hawaii.
Kelly tells the detective what she remembers about the shooting, and he invites Brandon to the police station to check out a line-up. Jackie asks Brandon and Noah to have their blood typed; Kelly has a rare blood type, and the doctors want to be prepared in case she needs a transfusion. She also asks Steve to take Erin to her soccer practice again.
The After Dark’s accounts are overdrawn, and the latest liquor delivery is COD because David’s been late on some payments. It’s hard to feel sorry for him when Kelly’s in the hospital after almost dying. Valerie finds Noah on the Martins’ boat and tells him she’s not happy that he left without leaving a note. He tells her he left one on the fridge that said, “See ya.” He wants to go for a sail with her, but she’s not interested in him anymore.
Steve bickers with Carly at Erin’s soccer practice. She tells him he smells like tequila; he tells her she smells nice. She thinks he spent the evening with a girl he picked up at a bar. He tells her he actually spent it worried about his hospitalized friend. Steve feels bad about getting Carly fired from her job and offers to help her get another one.
Donna visits Kelly, sharing that her father got her an interview with a designer. She admits that she chickened out of telling Felice that David’s moving in. Kelly gives Donna her apartment key to give him. She tells Donna that she told Brandon she loved him before the shooting, and after she was hurt, she was grateful that she’d gotten to say it.
Brandon goes in for the line-up and immediately pegs the person he thinks is the shooter. Meanwhile, David and Felice join Donna in Kelly’s hospital room, where everyone continues to not tell Felice about her daughter’s living arrangements. David and Donna bicker, like, is this really the place?
Steve takes Carly, Zach, and Erin to the Peach Pit, where Nat quickly asks Carly to come on board as a waitress. Steve tries to further impress Carly by telling her he’s a sports agent. Apparently he really wants to be one, since he talks to Charlotte (a girl he met the night before) and tells her to contact him when she’s ready for the WNBA.
Donna goes on her job interview and is told she’s too stylish for the job. (I guess the designer hates her own clothes? I don’t know.) Instead, she’s offered a job as the designer’s personal shopper. Later, Donna heads to the After Dark, which is pretty dead. At least Steve’s having a good night, what with Charlotte showing interest in him. Carly isn’t happy to see them together.
Brandon has gone to the club, for some reason, and while he’s gone, Kelly develops a complication. The nurse who finally answers his call tells him to come back to the hospital. The doctor explains that Kelly had a blood clot, but a blood transfusion from Noah helped get things under control. Unfortunately, there may be more complications the doctors won’t know about until Kelly wakes up.
Noah takes Valerie a snow globe as a peace offering. They listen to blues music and Valerie reminisces about hearing it from her neighbor’s house when she was growing up. Donna finds Felice praying in the hospital chapel and decides this is the right time to tell her she and David are going to live together. She adds that they had sex, and she doesn’t feel guilty about it. Felice isn’t pleased. Donna tells David that she talked to Felice, and that she’s glad she’s no longer keeping secrets.
Brandon looks through pictures from the trip while Kelly remains unconscious. He admits that he’s having trouble staying strong. A few moments later, she starts to wake up. Because this is now officially a soap opera, Kelly asks Brandon, “Who are you?”
Thoughts: Oh, amnesia. Always so fun on paper, always so poorly executed.
Kelly’s doctor is played by Daniel Dae Kim. He hasn’t aged a day since this episode. The nurse Brandon talks to on the phone is played by Sonya Eddy, who also plays a nurse on General Hospital (but she’s much more fun on GH).
How did Noah know where to have Valerie take him? How did he know the house had a pool? How did he know no one would be there? That whole thing was so dumb.
Donna, freaking A, you are 22. It’s none of your mother’s business who you live with.
This might be the first episode where I haven’t hated Brandon even a little bit. I even felt sorry for him. I’m sure that won’t last.