February 21, 2017
SVT Super Chiller #7, The Haunted Burial Ground: The “Old Ones” Probably Don’t Approve of This Book Either
Summary: It’s almost Halloween, and Steven decides to pull a little prank on Jessica by making her think she’s being followed by a tall, headless man. Apparently there’s a local myth about two skeletons, one without a head, being seen on Sleepy Hollow Road. Jessica’s relieved that this one is actually Steven and his friend Scott, who managed to ride a bike with one on the other’s shoulders. Impressive! Jessica quickly forgets about the prank since she’s so excited to talk to Scott – he’s in a band called the Skeletons, and he’s hot. Scott thinks Jessica’s 13, which is apparently super-mature compared to 12.
Elizabeth also has a new friend, Kala, who’s only in town for about a month before her family moves somewhere else. She’s Native American, and her time at Sweet Valley Middle School gets off to a rough start when Bruce, Aaron, and Jake Hamilton pull a prank of their own. They use fake blood and a rubber axe to make Kala think Jake has been attacked.
Elizabeth rescues Kala from the ridiculous boys and tries to assure her that the boys didn’t target her for any personal reasons. She invites Kala to come with her to work with Houses for the Homeless, Sweet Valley’s versions of Habitat for Humanity. At the worksite, Liz introduces Kala to Jack Whitefeather, a project chairman who cheers Kala up partly just by being another Native American in a town that doesn’t have many.
Jessica runs into Scott again (with Steven and Joe), and they start talking about music. He’s learning “Monster Ball,” a new duet from Johnny Buck and Melody Powers. Jessica’s thrilled, as she loves the song, and she tries to get Scott to invite her to sing it with him. He humors her, but he’s not that interested in singing with a kid. Jess decides that the Unicorns should throw a Halloween party and invite the Skeletons to play – maybe then Scott will bring her on stage to sing with him. Not only would she get attention and sing with a hot guy, but all the Unicorns would be jealous.
Unfortunately for Jess, the Unicorns don’t want to throw a party, for possibly the first time ever. They think a Halloween party would be childish. Jess talks them into it by pointing out that they can dress up as celebrities instead of ghosts or witches. The girls want to have the party someplace distinctly Halloween-y, and they settle on an old house Lila’s father’s company is about to tear down. He vetoes the idea as too dangerous, but approves of a shack on Sleepy Hollow Road, as long as the girls fix it up (using their Houses for the Homeless skills) so it’s safe. They also have to be respectful of an elderly couple living next door.
The Unicorns celebrate with a sleepover at Jessica’s, the same night Elizabeth has invited Kala over. The girls try to use a Ouija board to find out of the shack is haunted, but Ellen messes up the session by making the board warn the girls to stay away. She doesn’t want to have the party at the shack because they’ll have to do so much work to get it ready. Fair enough. Elizabeth thinks they can donate the shack to the homeless shelter’s Nature Club Scouts after the party, which makes their work more worthy.
Since no one wants to bother with the Ouija board if Ellen’s just going to screw with them, the girls decide to have a séance. Jessica bumps the table to mess with everyone, leading to a fight. In the middle of everything, Kala seems to fall asleep. As the girls try to channel a spirit to ask about ghosts on Sleepy Hollow Road, Kala starts talking in a weird voice, telling the girls, “Do not disturb the old ones.” Alice interrupts the séance to send everyone to bed before the girls can figure out what’s going on. Kala wakes up but doesn’t remember the séance.
The girls see skeletons outside the house as they’re going to bed, but the ever-logical Liz quickly figures out that skeletons don’t wear sneakers. She busts them as Bruce and Jake. The girls invite them in, and as everyone’s chatting, Kala comes downstairs to tell them that the “old ones” are resting and shouldn’t be disturbed. The girls think she means Alice and Ned. Kala seems to be sleepwalking, though Janet, who already dislikes Kala because she had the nerve to talk to Denny Jacobson at school, thinks she’s faking. The next morning, Kala says she doesn’t remember much of what happened at the sleepover.
Jessica stalks Scott, Steven, and Joe so she can invite the Skeletons to play at the party, but she can’t get Scott alone. The Unicorns are starting to sour on the party, since it’ll require so much, so Jess gets them interested again by telling them the Skeletons are playing. Elizabeth and Kala check out the shack, and Kala mentions a dream she had about a bat telling her that they need to leave it alone. Minutes later, the Unicorns arrive, and Jessica stumbles into a cave and is swarmed by bats. One swoops down on Janet, which disturbs Kala, since she imagined that exact thing happening after her dream.
The girls start the clean-up process, but Elizabeth’s mood darkens when a man from Fowler Construction tells them the shack is scheduled to be demolished right after the party. I hope the Nature Scouts can afford the rent on a place in an office park, instead of the clubhouse Liz wanted for them.
The girls clean up a bunch of trash, which they bag up for a special pick-up by trash collectors. But Jake, Bruce, and Aaron pull yet another prank, hiding themselves in garbage bags to scare the girls. Jake gets busted and tells the girls that Bruce and Aaron are in other bags – bags the trash collectors have just picked up. The kids run after the garbagemen and rip open their bags, but the boys aren’t inside. When they return to the shack, there are two bags there, containing the boys. They say that someone moved them, telling them to let the “old ones” rest.
Elizabeth finds an arrowhead on the property, because every children’s book that has anything to do with Native Americans includes someone finding an arrowhead. Kala talks more about her dreams, which featured a bear and an eagle. As Jess continues trying to get Scott alone to ask him about the party, the other Unicorns work on reinforcing the shack so it’s safe. The girls ignore Mr. Fowler’s instructions to respect the elderly couple nearby, dumping trash bags in their yard so they don’t have to take them to the dump (since the trash collectors are mad at them and won’t come back). Despite the Unicorns’ attitudes, Liz still wants the party to go ahead, for Jess’s sake, so she tries to keep the peace.
Ellen thinks she sees a bear in the woods, and Elizabeth sees a bird she thinks is an eagle. She tells Kala, who’s had another dream about all those animals; they want her to tell the others again not to disturbed the “old ones.” Then Ellen finds a skull in a creek, which the Unicorns decide to turn into PR for the party.
Liz helps Jess get Steven away from Scott so Jess can finally ask him about playing at the party. She basically dares him to play in a creepy shack. Scott agrees, as long as Jessica sings with him…and as long as she spends a night in the shack before the party, to ensure no ghosts will come after him. Jessica easily agrees and enlists the Unicorns, Elizabeth, Amy, and Maria to spend the night as well. Kala can’t make it, since she hasn’t been feeling well. I guess channeling ancient Native American spirits or whatever takes a lot out of you. But Kala shows up in the middle of the night, warns the girls that the “old ones” don’t like having their rest disturbed, then leaves.
Liz goes to see Kala in the morning, but Kala doesn’t remember going to the shack. They go back to the property and find more arrowheads, as well as a vase depicting an eagle, a bat, and a bear. Elizabeth thinks this means the property is a Native American burial ground. Kala must be channeling the spirits of people buried there, who don’t want their resting place disturbed so an office park can be built. Sure.
The girls go to Fowler Construction to beg the crew to stop the construction, which goes over as well as you would expect. It turns out that people paid to do a job won’t listen to two 12-year-olds who want them to stop working because dead people said to. The girls then go to Mr. Fowler’s office to talk to the man in charge, but he doesn’t consider their argument strong enough to stop the construction.
On Halloween, everyone gathers for the party, which Kala decides to skip, since the “old ones” are so against any disturbances there. But she gives Elizabeth some Native American clothing in the hope that the “old ones” will see it as a peace offering. Everything at the party goes fine until it’s time for Jessica’s duet with Scott. Things get really loud, and the shack begins to shake. The vase Elizabeth found gets smashed. That can’t be good.
There’s so much noise and so many people dancing that the shack collapses. Somehow, no one’s hurt, despite beams falling all over the place. Everyone sees a couple of skeletons, one of them headless, leaving the debris. The headless one retrieves its head – the skull Ellen found – and the two of them head off together. Everyone thinks someone’s playing another prank, but all the usual suspects are present and accounted for.
Jack Whitefeather confirms that the shack is on a Native American burial ground, so Mr. Fowler wisely decides not to tear it up for an office park. His company is also going to build the Nature Scouts a clubhouse. Mr. Fowler is actually a pretty good guy. Kala thinks this will please the “old ones,” and the sighting of an eagle seems to confirm this. Okay, well, thanks for stopping by, Kala. No one will ever mention you again.
Thoughts: Kala: “It was my grandmother’s name. She was Native American.” Elizabeth: “Wow. That means you’re part Native American.” What would we do without Liz?
Ghostwriter, please do your homework. It’s Melody Powers, not Melodie.
Lila knows what “macabre” means. I’m impressed.
When Elizabeth and Kala are meeting with the jerky foreman: “He gave her braid a friendly tug.” I hope Kala gave his shin a friendly kick.
September 26, 2015
Summary: David’s radio show is so popular that everyone at the After Dark now listens to it while he’s broadcasting. He urges a caller named Tony to dump his girlfriend, and when Tony hedges, David does the deed himself. In case we’ve forgotten, David’s a jerk this season. At the beach apartment, Donna informs Kelly that the Patches – the parents of her rapist – are there. Kelly refuses to talk to them, but they tell her they’ve forgiven her for killing Joe. They hope she can forgive them for what their son did. Kelly says that what Joe did was unforgivable.
A guy who lives across the alley from the After Dark comes to complain about the noise caused by Noah and Gina’s new after-hours business. Gina butters the guy up to get him to calm down. She reminds Noah that they need to keep things going so he can afford all the nice things Donna wants. Noah tells her they’re moving in together. At the Walshes’, Matt watches a news story about one of his clients, Pete, who’s been sentenced to death for rape and murder.
Donna goes by the After Dark, where Noah and Gina pretend they’ve been working on a theme for a Halloween party. Noah quickly comes up with the idea for an ’80s night. Gina runs out to get “accessories.” Noah gives Donna a nice bracelet purchased with the money he made from strippers. How romantic.
Kelly goes to court with Matt, who’s super-nervous about arguing such an important case. After all, a man’s life depends on him. Matt calls Pete’s brother Walter to the stand for Pete’s appeal. The brothers had a rough childhood with an abusive father. Pete confessed to Walter after he murdered a woman named Pam, and Walter turned him in to the police. In the ten years he’s been in prison, Pete has changed, and Walter pleads for the jury to spare his life.
Steve wants to turn the Walshes’ into a haunted house for Halloween, partly to get in touch with his inner kid. Janet already has plans for the holiday, going out with some old friends. In fact, she’s going to play with their band. Steve’s like, “I thought I was the wild and crazy one.” Back in court, the prosecutor plays a recording of Pete’s rape and murder confession. He relays his crime as if nothing major happened. Kelly leaves the courtroom, unable to hear it.
At the club, Tony asks David to help him get his girlfriend, Amber, back – the breakup was a huge mistake. David thinks it was the right thing, since Amber doesn’t love him. Tony begs David to fix things. Dylan calms him down, then tells David he’s being an idiot. David ignores him, then announces that the topic of that night’s show is “old friends and when it’s okay to tell them to go to Hell.”
Donna and Noah flirt boringly, and she complains that he works too many hours. Noah’s just happy that she has no idea what he’s been up to. He tries to make sure that the same goes for Dylan and Gina. Dylan’s back bugging David for his behavior, calling him reckless. David says that he just gives advice, and if people take it, that’s their responsibility. Dylan points out that he doesn’t have any training in counseling people, so he could really screw things up for someone.
Janet comes home to a haunted house that she admires until it scares her. She gushes about how great the band rehearsal was. Steve doesn’t think this is the right time for her to be revisiting things she did in college. Janet points out that he’s getting ready for Halloween to impress kids, so he’s not exactly demonstrating the kinds of mature, adult activities they should be participating in. She’d really like him to be supportive.
At the beach apartment, Matt apologizes for bringing Kelly to a trial that involved rape. She tells him about the Patches’ visit and their quest for forgiveness. She wonders if Matt would want Joe executed if he’d killed her. Matt says that he wouldn’t – the death penalty is immoral and isn’t applied fairly. Kelly’s disgusted that he would be okay with her killer getting to live. She hopes he loses Pete’s case.
Noah calls Gina in the middle of the night, asking her to grab Dylan’s key to the DJ booth and bring it to the After Dark. Otherwise the strippers won’t have any music to dance to. Gina gets the key and makes the delivery…then notices that Mel is at the club. Also at the club: Donna, who wanted to keep Noah company while he worked late. She starts to storm out but is stopped by police. The club is being shut down, and Noah’s in trouble for prostitution, operating without a license, and disturbing the peace.
Gina rushes Mel out the back door as the police cuff both Noah and Donna. They think Donna’s a hooker. Gina heads back to the hotel, putting Dylan’s key back on his keychain and getting back into bed with him to pretend she was there all night. When Dylan’s woken by a call from Donna, Gina learns that she was arrested. Kelly thinks that Matt’s doing something immoral by defending Pete. He introduces her to Walter, who’s hanging out with him until the verdict comes back.
Noah and Donna are released from lockup, and Donna gives back her new bracelet, since it was paid for with strip-club money. She leaves with Dylan, refusing to talk to Noah. Donna heads to the Peach Pit, where David’s telling Nat about his latest meddling in people’s lives. She tells him that he’s being a jerk and making fun of people. What would he say if a teenage girl called him and asked if she should give in to a boyfriend pressuring her to have sex? David’s behavior worries her.
The verdict is in, and Pete’s appeal has been denied. Walter blames himself for basically sentencing his brother to death. Kelly feels bad. Gina tells Noah that they made $4,000 the night before, even with the police breaking things up. She tells him he can have all of it, first making sure he didn’t tell anyone that she had anything to do with the strip club. Dylan arrives, announcing that he’s shutting down the strip club. He was fined $40,000, and his probation could be in trouble. The guys bicker about who works for who, and Dylan demands that Noah pay half the fine.
It’s Halloween! The haunted house is a hit, though some kids run away screaming before Steve can give them popcorn balls. Janet gets ready for a band performance, which Steve objects to. She can’t believe he’s being such an overprotective father to her after being so immature so often. She wishes he would come to the performance, since it’s so important to her.
David goes to see Amber, telling her he was wrong to force Tony’s hand. He asks her not to blame Tony for David’s actions. Kelly goes to see the Patches, wanting to talk about forgiveness. Meanwhile, the club holds its ’80s night. A bandana’d Dylan tells Gina and her crimped hair that he woke up in the middle of the night and noticed his key missing, so he knows what she’s been up to. She promises that the strip club is done and she won’t be lying to him anymore.
On air, David apologizes for giving bad advice to his callers, blaming his personal problems. Now he’s going to work on getting people together. He also seems to want to make up with Dylan. Noah tries to ease Donna’s worries, telling her that the criminal charges have been dropped, so he just has to pay the fine. Donna doesn’t think they should live together – she can’t trust him. Noah notes that he came clean, but she reminds him that he didn’t tell her while it was going on.
Matt joins Steve at the haunted house, which he thinks is about to have a new wave of visitors. Matt points out that it’s 9:15, so the kids are probably in bed. Steve says that he used to believe in capital punishment, but after talking to Kelly about Pete’s case, he’s changed his mind. Then Steve puts on his best Miami Vice outfit and goes to the club to see Janet play. His conversation with Matt helped him remember that he doesn’t have to be a responsible parent all the time. After all, kids have bedtimes. Janet just wants to make sure his costume isn’t from his own closet.
The band plays (Janet’s on bass, by the way), and Steve’s the most excited person in the audience. Gina sneaks out to call Mel, looking for some gratitude, since other people at the strip club got arrested. He tries to brush her off, so she asks what David and Jackie would say if they knew where he was the other night. She’s going to need some hush money.
Kelly returns from the Patches’, telling Matt that she “gave them what they wanted.” Whether it was genuine or not, she knows it was the right thing to do. Matt hopes she can forgive him, too, but Kelly has no sympathy for Pete. Matt says it’s his fault if Pete dies; it means Matt couldn’t save him. Kelly says that they shouldn’t see each other until the case is over.
Thoughts: Steve’s objection to Janet playing in a band is…? He never explains it.
No judgment, but I’m going to guess that Donna was mistaken for a prostitute because of her clothes.
Yeah, they don’t call a lawyer and give him a verdict over the phone. You have to go to court and get everything on the record. Nice try, though.
Who looks at his keychain when he wakes up in the middle of the night?
Donna dresses up as Madonna. Oh, I get it!
Noah looks like an extra from Wet Hot American Summer.
Janet’s friends’ band is called Zaftig Figure. That’s not bad.
January 24, 2015
Party of Five 6.4, Wrestling Demons: Risks! Consequences! Other Things About Taking Chances and Changing!
Summary: Victor has switched from being Diana’s nanny to being Owen’s, and is trying to talk to Bailey about his parenting philosophy. Since Halloween is approaching, he thinks he and Owen should decorate the house as a haunted house. Bailey resists. Owen doesn’t think Victor will last that long anyway, since his nannies never do. (Maybe not, Owen, but sometimes they marry your brother.)
Evan does some editing to Julia’s writing, trying to work while she yaps in his ear. She’d like to have a more personal relationship with the person who’s going to be tearing apart all her hard work. She asks for a joke, but Evan doesn’t seem to have a sense of humor. Bailey tries to get in touch with Sarah, but she’s busy getting her doomed spinoff off the ground.
Bailey runs into Will, who reveals that he’s been in town for a month. He decided to take a year off of school, and has gotten an internship with a pro wrestling organization. Bailey doesn’t get why Will didn’t inform him of these major life changes. He invites himself along while Will picks up someone at the airport.
Kirsten visits Charlie at work and they compare notes on research they’ve done about adoption (him) and fertility treatments (her). Charlie’s a bit overwhelmed by all the work that would go into having their own child. Cameron is still writing trash about his friends on the Internet, and Claudia’s still the only one who knows he’s the wannabe Gossip Girl. Alexa doesn’t like the idea of changing her habits to make the writer stop bugging her.
Victor meets Griffin, who’s still renting the “guest cottage” for his business. Owen gets his sisters to override Bailey’s veto of the haunted house, so Victor tells him they can do it as long as they’re willing to face the consequences. Julia’s friend Isabel tells her that people are spreading rumors that she got her book deal by sleeping with Evan. Julia finds the idea ridiculous; she and Evan have no interest in each other. Isabel isn’t so sure that Julia doesn’t have a little crush.
Bailey and Will go to the airport to pick up a wrestler named Mr. Mayhem. The guy is unfriendly and wants to be taken to Walnut Creek rather than San Francisco, so he can see his wife. Bailey panics because he’s supposed to go to work. He suggests that Mr. Mayhem call his wife and have her meet them in San Francisco. Mr. Mayhem says no, since he wants to surprise his wife, then tosses Bailey’s phone out the window.
In Walnut Creek, Mr. Mayhem lurks around the back of a house while Will explains to Bailey that he and his wife are having issues. She’s also a wrestler, and it seems Mr. Mayhem cheated on her with a third wrestler.) Bailey continues panicking about getting off of his schedule. Will tells him to stop being so uptight. Mr. Mayhem announces that he’s going to hoist Bailey up to a balcony to let him in the house, since his wife changed the locks.
Julia goes to see Evan, who has learned to tell jokes. She notices his body language and how he puts a hand on her arm. Evan offers her tickets to a fundraiser ball, which makes Julia uncomfortable until he explains that he’s not going. Cameron tries to talk to Claudia about his website, complaining that Alexa is obsessed with how she looks. Claudia says that she deserves better than being trashed by Gossip Guy. He needs to be himself and be honest with his girlfriend.
Victor uses connections in the theater community to get creepy decorations for the house. Griffin helps out, surprised to hear that Bailey okayed the haunted house. Victor pointedly tells him that Owen said it was okay. While waiting to see a fertility specialist, Kirsten and Charlie overhear two women talk about how the treatments have affected their relationships and finances. Kirsten tries not to freak out.
Mr. Mayhem nervously waits for his wife, Isis, who erupts when she finds him in her house. She reminds him that she mentioned wanting space when they went to their last counseling session. She thinks he recruiting Bailey and Will from the support group she sent him to. Isis kicks Mr. Mayhem out of the house, then tells Bailey and Will that they’re not allowed to leave until Mr. Mayhem goes away. Bailey stands up to her, they wrestle, and Bailey wins.
Julia (dressed as Tippi Hedren from The Birds) goes to the fundraiser with Isabel, surprised to see that Evan’s there after all. He tells her his date backed out of their dinner – also, it wasn’t really a date, it was his cousin. He’s decided to try having fun for once, and he’ll start by dancing with Isabel. But Julia’s not jealous! No, definitely not jealous!
Charlie blasts Kirsten for pushing him to go to the meeting with the doctor without telling him all the possible consequences of fertility treatments. He notes that she’ll probably have to go off her antidepressants and take hormones that will affect her mood. That’s not the small risk she said the treatments would require. Kirsten promises that she’s okay with the risks. Charlie asks why she wasn’t honest with him from the beginning.
Finally out of the house, Bailey tells Will that he’d rather be boring than get involved in marital disputes between crazy people. At the fundraiser, Julia watches Evan and Isabel dance, totally! Not! Jealous! She asks Isabel to keep some distance, since it’s weird for her to see a friend dance with someone she works with. Isabel says she’d love to date a guy like Evan…unless, of course, Julia has dibs? She urges Julia to stop another woman from getting too close to Evan.
Bailey comes home to the haunted house/loud party he wasn’t aware was going on. Instead of saying anything, he checks his messages – and no, Sarah hasn’t called. Victor takes the blame for the party, lying that Owen said that Bailey might object. Owen keeps quiet, and Bailey doesn’t lecture him about consequences, so Victor’s plan backfired. He tells Bailey that Sarah did leave him a message.
Alexa shows up at the party to tell Claudia that Cameron broke up with her, saying he wants to be himself for once. She was surprised by how different he seemed. Charlie and Kirsten, who are also at the party, talk about having their own child, as opposed to adopting. She’s being trying to ignore the reality that she has an illness that may prevent her from doing things others can do. She recognizes that in some ways, her depression was harder on Charlie than on her.
Julia runs into Evan and hurts her hand, so Evan rushes her to the hospital. Bailey listens to Sarah’s message, which says that she’s sorry they keep missing each other. Julia calls the house to tell Charlie she’s at the hospital and needs her insurance info. Bailey stares at his ties, then tells Victor to keep the party going so there can be a little less control in the house for once. He’d attend, but all he has for a costume is one of his dozens of ties he can’t believe he has at the age of 21.
Cameron arrives at the party and gets an earful from Claudia for breaking up with Alexa instead of being honest with her. Instead of explaining himself, he kisses her. Charlie checks on Julia at the hospital (she has a couple of sprained fingers), then leaves her with Evan, who admits that he was worried about her. Julia pulls a Cameron and kisses him. Evan’s not completely comfortable with this but assures her that he’ll chalk it up to Halloween, when no one’s sure what’s real.
Victor has managed to get Bailey to dress up like a woman. Thank you, Victor. Will stops by the house, and Bailey tells him that his biggest talent is fighting off chaos. Meanwhile, everyone around him has fun. He’s realized that he’s devoted his life to the wrong thing. Now he’s scared because he feels like he’s losing people. Will assures him that their friendship will stay strong.
At home, Charlie tells Kirsten that seeing Julia tonight made him remember how much he likes having siblings. He’d like Diana to have some, too, so if Kirsten’s willing to take the risks, he’s on board for fertility treatments.
Thoughts: They had clearly run out of things for Griffin to do by season 6. He serves zero purpose in this episode.
Tyler Mane (Mr. Mayhem) is 6’8″. If I’d been drinking something when I read that, I would have done a spit-take.
How is childless Victor the best parent on this show? And can we fix him up with Ross, wherever he is?
Whoever put together the recording of this episode left in some very ’90s ads:
- Josie Bissett selling beauty products
- Payless Shoes, not only with the shoes in ’90s styles but with the models in ’90s clothes
- The Bachelor (the movie with Renee Zellweger and Chris O’Donnell, not the reality show), scored with the Goo Goo Dolls’ “Black Balloon”
- A local news story about something related to The Blair Witch Project
- Jennifer Love Hewitt’s spinoff, Time of Your Life, featuring Jennifer Garner before she was Sydney Bristow
August 2, 2014
Summary: Daphne’s in the hospital after having contractions, but she’s going to be sent home for bed rest. She’s not happy with the idea of having to stay in the house all the time. Her doctor doesn’t care: The baby still has eight weeks to go, and her lungs aren’t developed yet, so if she’s born early, she’ll be in a lot of trouble.
Maggie leaves Julia and Ned alone in their room, not realizing that’s a bad idea. They both regret their kiss, since Julia has now betrayed her new best friend and Ned has cheated on his high school sweetheart. Will shows up in San Francisco for a surprise visit but won’t tell Bailey why he’s there. Charlie and Kirsten tend to a grumpy Daphne, and Kirsten suggests that they throw a baby shower. Daphne doesn’t care what they do.
Claudia also gets a surprise visitor, in the form of Jamie. Parker and Hallie are surprised, too, since they didn’t know Claudia had a boyfriend. Jamie’s hurt that she hasn’t been talking about him. Will has dinner with Bailey and Sarah, telling them he doesn’t like studying accounting. In fact, he doesn’t like school at all. He asks if he can stay with them for a while. Someone named Hannah calls for him, but Will tells Sarah to pretend he’s not there. She’s just a psycho with a crush on him.
Maggie tells Julia that something’s going on with Ned, who’s been moody lately. Josh pops in to ask a question just as Julia gets a message from a secret admirer. Charlie plans the shower, and Daphne complains that he’s not letting her give any input. He reminds her that she didn’t show any interest in the planning before. Daphne’s upset that everything’s about the baby and no one takes her into account.
Julia and Maggie discuss her possible admirers, though Julia thinks that if the guy isn’t brave enough to approach her, he’s not someone she wants to date. She discovers that someone managed to access a paper she’s writing and format her bibliography. Ned’s like, “The guy must be a genius!” Maggie thinks it’s Josh, which Ned finds ridiculous.
Hannah manages to find Will at the restaurant, so Bailey offers to call her and scare her off. Will decides it’s better if he handles it. Jamie wants to go to a haunted house with Claudia (they’re the only people so far to mention that Halloween is coming up), but she clearly doesn’t want him there. She claims it’s because she’s helping to run it and wouldn’t have time to hang out with him.
Julia confronts Ned about her bibliography, having figured out that he formatted it for her. Apparently he’s madly in love with her now and is having trouble keeping it secret. Julia is adamant that they not let Maggie know that there’s something between them. Her solution is for them to stay away from each other.
Will’s awake in the middle of the night, and when Sarah wakes up, she asks him what’s going on with him. He tells her he’s just been thinking a lot about school and his future – a “normal future freak-out.” Charlie has to check Daphne’s vitals every six hours, which means getting up in the middle of the night. She’s very appreciative, and blames herself for her condition – she thinks her previous wishes for the baby to disappear have turned into something real.
Charlie and Kirsten go shopping for baby things, taking pictures for Daphne to look at later. Charlie saw a different side of Daphne the previous night, when she was panicking. He gets a 911 page from her. Will is now working at the restaurant but is proving to be less than trustworthy; he forgot to deposit some money, which led to a bounced check.
Julia and Maggie go shopping for Halloween costumes so they can have a girls’ night out. Apparently Ned broke plans he and Maggie had made. The costume store is mostly sold out and only has Gorbachev masks left. Daphne’s panicking because the baby isn’t moving; Owen suggests that she’s in a coma. Charlie uses candy to wake her up. Then he decides he can’t take Owen trick-or-treating, and suggests that he ask Griffin to go with him.
Maggie and Julia go to a Halloween party, and Maggie tries to play matchmaker for Julia and Josh. Julia’s pretending that she thinks Josh is her secret admirer. Ned’s also at the party, but Julia avoids him. Charlie tries to cheer Daphne up by going on bed rest with her. Will packs to leave Sarah and Bailey’s, telling them he feels horrible for making so many mistakes, including running away from school. Sarah points out that he doesn’t have anywhere else to go.
Jamie shows up at Claudia’s haunted house after all, thinking she’s been cheating on him. He doesn’t know why else she would be acting like she is. She admits that she doesn’t know either. Ned finds who he thinks is Julia and declares his love for her; he doesn’t realize that she and Maggie are wearing the same mask. Maggie, however, doesn’t realize that he didn’t know it was her. Julia publicly tells Josh to stop bugging her and get over her.
Claudia tells Jamie that she’s so in love with her new school that she has trouble thinking about people and things from back home. She doesn’t want to miss him, so she needs to break up with him. “I’m being dumped for a campus?” he asks. Charlie presents a slide show of baby things so Daphne can pick one. There are also childhood pictures of him, which Daphne loves. The two of them share a moment and kiss.
Will’s still out at 1 in the morning, and Sarah presses Bailey to confront him when he comes home and find out what’s going on with him. Bailey thinks they should keep their distance and let him talk when he’s ready. Maggie’s also late getting home, having stayed at the party while Julia left. She tells Julia that she’s too controlling because she’s afraid of getting into another relationship. Julia needs to just kiss someone (read: Josh) and loosen up.
Charlie and Daphne make out, then call her doctor to make sure they’re allowed to be doing things that might elevate her heart rate. Hannah shows up at Bailey and Sarah’s, and Bailey tries to get rid of her. Will attempts to keep up his story about her stalking him, but Hannah busts him by revealing that she’s pregnant with his baby. Even though it’s the middle of the night, Julia goes to Ned’s room to make out with him. Oh, Julia
Thoughts: How mad do you think Kirsten is that people keep getting pregnant without trying?
60 books in a bibliography? Shut up, Julia.
Charlie’s so sweet in this episode. He deserves better than Daphne.
March 25, 2014
Summary: Elizabeth and Tom both apply for a journalism mini-fellowship that will send the winner to New Orleans to help a famous journalist with some research. Tom wins and gets to spend the weekend in the Big Easy with Nicholas des Perdu. Wow, a whole weekend! He and Elizabeth act like he’s going off to war. Of course they’re one of those couples who can’t go ten minutes apart without talking about each other the whole time.
Nicholas is super-rich, with a driver named Fortune and a housekeeper named Marielle. Nicholas is doing a story on Halloween and All Saints’ Day in New Orleans, but I’m not sure how much work actually gets done. As soon as Nicholas sees a picture Tom brought with him of Elizabeth, he’s distracted. We get a flashback to 1788 in France, and what do you know? Nicholas was alive back then. The flashback is to his wedding to a woman named Lisette, who looks like Elizabeth. Seriously, how many lookalikes do the twins have?
Tom and Elizabeth are supposed to talk on the phone while he’s gone, but he forgets to call her the first night he’s in New Orleans, so they have to suffer for, like, 12 hours with no communication. Elizabeth tries to call Tom, but the phone number he gave her doesn’t work, and Nicholas’ number is unlisted. When Tom finally gets around to picking up the phone, he suddenly gets drowsy. Marielle’s lurking around, and the two of them start making out. Marielle tries to bite him, but Tom suddenly realizes that he’s doing something wrong and makes Marielle leave.
Nicholas has another flashback, this time to when he had to leave Lisette to go deal with some pesky peasants. While he’s reminiscing, Elizabeth has a dream about Nicholas, though she’s never met him. The next day, Tom’s supposed to head back to Sweet Valley, but bad weather delays his flight. Oh, no, now he and Elizabeth have to wait even longer to see each other! How ever will they survive?
Tom kills some time by reading about women being killed in New Orleans and found with their blood drained. He goes exploring in Nicholas’ house and discovers a coffin in the basement. Of course. Tom heads back to Sweet Valley, and not long after, Nicholas follows, wanting to meet the woman who looks so much like Lisette.
Back at SVU, the twins are throwing a big Halloween party in an abandoned house on campus. No, I don’t know why there’s an abandoned house on campus. No, I don’t know why it hasn’t been turned into a dorm or a frat/sorority house. No, I don’t know why the administration would leave an empty building there for students to easily throw big parties in. Stop asking me questions! Anyway, the money’s going to charity, so the party is a Nice Thing, because Elizabeth isn’t allowed to just be normal and have some fun.
When Tom gets back to town, he goes to the house (Hollow House – ooh, spooky) to help Elizabeth set up for the party. The lights have been acting up, and when they go out, Tom leaves Liz alone to check the fusebox. Elizabeth thinks he comes back and makes out with her in the dark, but obviously it’s Nicholas.
Eventually Liz meets Nicholas for real, and he tells her he came to Sweet Valley to keep working with Tom on the story. He takes Elizabeth out somewhere, to “talk about Tom,” so now Tom’s confused about why his girlfriend, formerly so clingy that she couldn’t stand to be away from him for two days, is spending time apart from him. Also, Nicholas doesn’t want Liz to tell Tom he’s in town, which should be a major red flag, but we all know Elizabeth has no instincts about that sort of thing. Tom tries to get Elizabeth’s attention back on him, but she’s having too much fun with her new boy.
Jessica spots Elizabeth getting into Nicholas’ car and thinks she’s cheating on Tom. She kind of is, though it doesn’t seem like she’s acting under her own control. There’s another flashback, and we learn that when Nicholas returned home to Lisette, she’d been told that he was dead, so she killed herself. Nicholas starts drinking, and one night he meets Marielle, who turns him into a vampire. Back in the present day, Elizabeth comes to her senses enough to stop making out with Nicholas, who goes to a bar and kills someone else because Elizabeth ditched him.
Tom and Elizabeth finally get some alone time, but they go to a vampire movie and Elizabeth freaks out and bolts. Nicholas isn’t happy that his long-dead non-wife is seeing someone else. He goes to Liz’s dorm and tries to make her jump out her window, but Tom manages to save her. He and Jessica are starting to realize that something weird is going on. Tom also reads in the paper that there have been killings in Sweet Valley similar to the killings in New Orleans, so he wonders if Nicholas is in town. Meanwhile, Nicholas sends Elizabeth flowers – white with one red – and a note saying he’ll see her that night. Then he calls to tell her they’ll be together forever. Ohhhhhkay…
By the way, Jess is now in Theta, and there’s a single room available in the sorority house. Alison also wants the room, and of course, since these two hate each other, there’s going to be a fight to the death to determine who gets it. Jessica tries to claim her territory by moving furniture in, but Alison one-ups her by putting a sleeping bag in there to indicate that she’s spending the night. In fact, both girls end up there overnight, but neither trusts the other enough to fall asleep in the same room.
This subplot is only important because of what happens the night of the Halloween party. Alison locks herself in the room, so Jessica goes outside to taunt her through the window. She yells some threats about wanting Alison to die, so of course that means something bad is going to happen. As Jess is leaving, she sees someone else outside the window but thinks Alison has a gentleman caller.
So: party! It’s awesome. Tom’s not there, since he’s discovering that Nicholas is staying in a hotel in Sweet Valley under the American translation of his French last name. Meanwhile, Denise and Magda find Alison in the sorority house, minus a lot of her blood. Guess who Alison’s visitor was? Go on, guess!
Tom goes to the party to tell Jessica that Nicholas is in town and may have something to do with why Elizabeth’s been acting weird. Jessica tells him about the flowers, which she’s sure were from Nicholas. They hear about Alison, who’s been taken to the hospital, so now they’re pretty sure Nicholas is a vampire. They can’t find Elizabeth, though, since Nicholas has whisked her away, planning to take her to New Orleans, then on to Paris.
So we head back to New Orleans, but Nicholas and Elizabeth get there first since Jessica and Tom can’t get a flight. Nicholas plans to spend the night in his coffin, then consummate things with Elizabeth the next day. At this point the ghostwriter isn’t even trying to pretend the whole story isn’t a metaphor for sex. (Just like Twilight. Ug.) When Elizabeth wakes up, though, her head is clearer and she realizes that she wants to be with Tom. Too late! Nicholas wants her to wear Lisette’s wedding dress and become his eternal bride. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.
There’s some making out, and now Nicholas makes his move, biting Liz. Of course, that’s just when Jessica and Tom arrive. Tom rescues Elizabeth while Jessica fights Nicholas off with a candelabra. I guess that was the only weapon handy. Meanwhile, Elizabeth has accidentally started a fire, so between that and the vampire, things are getting a little dangerous. Jess has an advantage, though, since Nicholas thinks she’s Elizabeth/Lisette. She uses that as a bit of a distraction, allowing Tom to come in and knock him out. Then Tom and the twins flee the house. Nicholas most likely gets out, too, but they can’t be sure.
Tom and the twins go back to Sweet Valley, and Jessica decides not to move into the sorority house after all. I guess it would be pretty creepy to live in a room where someone almost died. A guy delivers some flowers for Elizabeth, and Jess accepts the delivery, seeing that they’re the same roses Nicholas sent before. Jessica’s smart enough to throw them out.
Thoughts: “[Elizabeth] raised one leg and examined a tiny bleach spot on her jeans. Should she change? No. Not for an evening with Nina.” Sorry, Nina. You don’t warrant clean clothes.
“Maybe I really NEED to go to some club, toss down a couple of diet Cokes, and then flirt outrageously with some good-looking airhead.” Whoa, Liz. Put the brakes on before you get out of control.
Jessica has a wicker dresser, so I automatically question her taste in everything ever. Clearly Alice didn’t pass on her interior-design genes.
Jessica packs a suitcase before she and Tom chase Elizabeth and Nicholas to New Orleans. I’m sure that didn’t make them lose any time. Also, you’re not going there for a vacation, Jess. I don’t think you’ll need a change of clothes.
March 4, 2014
Summary: Every small town has a big, creepy house that’s either rumored to be haunted or inhabited by scary people. Sweet Valley’s big, creepy house is the Mercandy mansion. The woman who lives there is known as old lady Mercandy; everyone thinks she’s a witch and keeps her husband in the attic. Since Halloween is approaching the kids of Sweet Valley are even more spooked than usual by the mansion.
One day the twins see a girl about their age arriving at the house. Then a little while later, a girl named Nora Mercandy turns up at their school. She explains that “old lady Mercandy” is her grandmother, and she’s living with her grandparents now because her mother recently died. Her father died when she was a baby. Just keep that in mind. This girl is an honest-to-God orphan.
Anyway, everyone at Sweet Valley Middle School is freaked out by Nora because she lives with creepy people. Elizabeth is pretty much the only nice one, as usual, and agrees to show her around. Of course, Nora’s a perfectly nice girl, but the other middle schoolers brand her a witch. Elizabeth and Amy are the only people who treat her normally. Elizabeth even offers to loan her clothes for gym class, since the Mercandys are pretty poor and Nora can’t afford them.
The next day, though, Elizabeth has to stay home from school sick. She asks Jessica (who was out sick the day before) to take the clothes to Nora, but Jessica forgets. Since the other Unicorns are basically spearheading Operation: Make Nora Feel Totally Unwelcome, Jess just ignores the girl.
In gym, Lila and Nora are matched up to play tennis. Lila wants to place a bet, since she thinks she’s better at tennis than Nora is, so she puts up an expensive pen. Nora wins and Lila hands over the pen. But later, Lila lies to their teacher that Nora stole the pen, getting her in trouble with the principal. Lila also swaps out a math quiz for Nora’s so she’ll get a good grade and Nora won’t.
Once Elizabeth is back in school, she tells Nora that the other kids are being jerks because they’re afraid of her grandparents. Nora thinks that if the kids meet her grandmother, they’ll calm down. Elizabeth asks Jessica to spread the word that Nora’s throwing a little get-together, and the popular kids decide they might as well give it a shot. But Nora’s grandfather scares them all away when he comes outside walking stiffly and saying, “Nor…Nor…Nor…”
Now the popular kids want revenge on Nora – they think she planned the whole thing and was trying to scare them. They start in with some mind games, making Nora think they want to befriend her and that she’s invited to Lila’s Halloween party. But it’s just a way to get her out of her house so some guys can TP it. When Nora finds out, she runs home and Elizabeth follows her. Jessica panics because her sister’s going into a possibly haunted house, so she goes as well.
Everyone ends up entering the house, and they see a bunch of posters on the attic walls of a magician named Marvelous Marvin. He’s Nora’s grandfather, and he was once majorly talented. Nora explains that he had a stroke a few years ago, which explains his strange walking and inability to say her name. Nora’s grandmother is super-nice to all the bratty kids who came into her house uninvited and offers to put on a little magic show. Nora does some tricks and wins everyone over.
Thoughts: This book mostly makes me glad that I never have to be a middle-school girl again. They are vicious.
Isn’t Elizabeth a little old to dress as a clown for Halloween?
In the end, no one apologizes to Nora for the way they treated her. Of course. Jerks.
Also, Ned and Alice don’t seem to care if their kids help spread rumors about innocent old people. Of course, again.
September 9, 2013
Summary: Charlie tries to fix a chandelier while Claudia watches an infomercial about an exorcist/ghostbuster. She thinks there’s a hex on the family since bad things keep happening to them. Just as he tells her she’s ridiculous, he falls off his stepladder. Bailey goes with Sarah to a costume shop, where she’s looking for something to wear to a dance benefiting a children’s clinic. Sarah finds a Snow White costume tells Bailey that she’s always wanted to be her for Halloween. Now she has a Prince Charming to dress up with her, but Bailey won’t cooperate.
Charlie tries to call Kirsten from the restaurant, but her sister won’t put her on the phone. A woman named Grace asks to take the restaurant’s leftover food for her organization, which feeds the homeless. Charlie is not in the mood to be a nice guy. His next visitor is there to see Charlie’s father. Maybe Claudia’s hex idea isn’t so crazy after all. Julia thinks Justin’s passing her a note in class, but it’s for another girl. The guy at the restaurant tells Charlie that he used to do odd jobs for Mr. Salinger when he needed money. But again, Charlie is a jerk today, so there’s nothing for him there.
Claudia calls the exorcist/ghostbuster, Dr. Blalock, over to the house to purify it. He requests some of the family’s belongings and some alone time to “tap into the energy of the house.” Claudia should probably not be left at home alone anymore. At Bailey and Callie’s, there’s some business with condoms, which only exists so Bailey can tell his roommate that he and Sarah don’t have sex. But he’s not a virgin – he’s a real good sex person. He does it all the different ways. Callie does the math and realizes that if Bailey hasn’t had sex since he dated Jill, he’s been celibate for two years.
Justin and Julia carve pumpkins and talk about the upcoming dance; his note to Robin, the other girl in their class, was an invitation. Julia swears she’s fine with that. She’s not. Also, Robin sounds kind of annoying – she names everything, including her breasts. The lights go out at Bailey and Callie’s, and their apparent sexual tension (which I haven’t actually seen any evidence of yet) gets to be too much for them, so Bailey’s two-year no-sex streak is broken. Afterward, he’s regretful, but Callie doesn’t care. Sarah shows up with Bailey’s John Smith costume (to go with her Pocahontas costume) but doesn’t notice that anything’s off.
Handyman guy fixes some things up at the restaurant even without permission, and when Charlie tries to pay him to leave, he won’t take the money. He remembers a time when Charlie was a kid and helped him with a project. Now Charlie’s willing to find something for him to do. While Julia tries to find a date to the dance, Blalock starts to purify the Salingers’ house, telling Claudia that the family’s luck is going to change soon. He puts some of their things in a jar and has Claudia bury it in the yard.
Charlie works with handyman guy as he talks more about his memories of Charlie as a kid. Once everything that needs fixing has been fixed, Charlie comes up with more projects. Julia’s running out of potential dates, now that she’s learned that her most recent choice is gay. She runs into Robin, who thanks her for being so cool about her dating Justin. Julia ruins everything by calling Robin’s breasts by name. Sarah tries to make out with Bailey in a bookstore, but he’s jumpy about getting so physically close.
Charlie finds some of Blalock’s purifying salt in the Salingers’ kitchen, but Claudia pretends she doesn’t know where it came from. Charlie gets distracted by a phone call from a credit card company reporting large purchases made with Mr. Salinger’s card. Claudia realizes that Blalock may have gotten into Mr. Salinger’s paperwork and used his social security number to make the purchases. Bailey tries to get the Snow White and Prince Charming costumes, but they’ve already been rented out. “You don’t understand – I have to be Prince Charming!” he shouts.
Robin’s mad at Justin (totally reasonable) and won’t read the note he passes her in class. Charlie lectures Claudia about letting a stranger into the house as they head to the police station, having been told that someone was arrested for using Mr. Salinger’s card. But the culprit isn’t Blalock – it’s the handyman guy. Charlie realizes that he had access to paperwork because Charlie gave him the key to a file cabinet.
Sarah thinks Bailey’s cooled on her because she’s still in high school while he’s in college, and he doesn’t want to go to the dance. He’s all, “No, I want to go with you! I definitely don’t want to stay home and have sex with my roommate!” She’s all, “You’re such a great guy!” Julia tries to apologize to Justin for ruining his relationship with Robin, but that’s not what happened (Robin tells everyone the names of her breasts). However, he’s mad that Julia did something so horrible on purpose, in order to break them up. “You really think that you’re still that important?” he asks.
At home, Charlie looks through childhood pictures, trying to find photographic evidence of the things handyman guy told him about. He admits to Claudia that he’s having a hard time helping people and letting them in. At their apartment, Bailey tells Callie that what they did was a mistake. He accuses her of seducing him, since he doesn’t usually do stuff like that. Callie warns him not to blame her because he’s not happy with Sarah. She scoffs at the idea of him dressing up like Prince Charming.
While looking for something for a costume, Claudia finds the family’s water-heater warranty, which doesn’t run out until November 15th. This means they can get the roof fixed without having to pay thousands of dollars. She thinks this is what Blalock meant about the family’s luck changing. Charlie doesn’t like that Claudia believes she can throw magic salt around to fix her problems, but Julia wants to let her keep her naïve wonder since it makes her feel so good. (Basically, just because they feel crappy doesn’t mean Claudia should, too.)
Justin tries to avoid Julia at the dance, which Bailey shows up to dressed as Prince Charming. Sarah actually looks pretty cute as Snow White. Things are still awkward between them, though. Charlie tracks down Grace and apologizes for being a jerk to her earlier. He’s brought food so he can feel better about himself…I mean, so he can help the less fortunate. At the dance, Julia, who’s dressed as a fortuneteller, pretends to read Robin’s palm in order to tell her that Justin still likes her and is a good guy. She ends up giving Robin some advice on how to get revenge on Justin for whatever he did.
Bailey wants to spike the punch so people will have more fun, and definitely not because he’s slowly turning into an alcoholic. He also criticizes Sarah for charging too much for pictures, even though the proceeds go to charity. She calls him on being a jerk, and he tells her he only came because she guilted him into it. In better couple-related news, Justin and Robin have made up. Julia runs into a friend and they end up dancing together. Bailey goes home to his roommate/bed buddy, but she has another guy over. At least Bailey has beer to comfort him. Delicious, forgiving, understanding beer.
Thoughts: Justin, you don’t have to run your dating plans by Julia. You know she was all over Griffin two minutes after you broke up, right?
Claudia’s defense of letting Blalock into the house: “He wasn’t a stranger – he was on TV.” Hee!
Again with the weird school schedules – in the scenes before and after Claudia goes to the police station with Charlie, Julia and Justin are at school. Why is Claudia always on a different schedule?
I wish we’d gotten some sort of resolution to the handyman storyline. Did he really know Mr. Salinger? Why did he use a credit card from a guy he knew was dead? I wish they’d at least had a scene where Charlie meets with him and forgives him or offers him help or something, in fitting with the theme of the episode.
August 14, 2013
Summary: This book is jammed with people and plots, and is unlike SVH in that it’s not boring. I already like this series more. Of course, more content means longer recaps, so we’ll see how much more I like it when I’m an hour into writing and can’t think of any more ways to say Jessica’s a brat.
High school’s finally over, and Elizabeth, Jessica, Enid, Todd, and Winston are going to Sweet Valley University! Bruce also goes there, but he doesn’t have much of a presence in this book. I think Lila’s supposed to be there, too, but she never came back from her summer in Italy, and Jessica later finds out that she married a count. That guy has no idea what he’s getting into. Anyway, Enid decides before they leave that she wants to be known as Alexandra, her middle name. She’s tired of being Liz’s sidekick and wants to have fun.
The twins are living together, which is probably a huge mistake, considering they can barely tolerate living next door to each other at home. Jessica immediately likes college, which makes sense – it’s full of interesting people who don’t know what a pain she is (yet), her parents can’t tell her what to do, and there are tons of cute guys. Classes are just a necessary evil. Elizabeth, however, has a really rough time. Everyone’s too busy to hang out with her, and instead of, you know, trying to make new friends, she just stress-eats and cries a lot.
Elizabeth is also upset that Enid (now Alex) has become so outgoing and is having a great time. In other words, we’re done with boring, drippy Enid, and now we have normal, no-longer-in-Elizabeth’s-shadow Alex. Todd is also having a great time because he’s bonding with the other jocks and gets everything handed to him.
Winston’s one wish in college is to be taken seriously and no longer be seen as a class clown. But things start falling apart as soon as he arrives on campus. Someone screwed up his housing paperwork, and he’s listed as Winnie and placed in a girls’ dorm. The girls adopt him as a lovable pet, and while you’d think living with that many girls would be a college guy’s dream, he’s embarrassed by it. He especially doesn’t want his new friends in the Sigma frat to know.
Like I said, there are a bunch of new characters:
- Isabella Ricci – Jessica’s friend, who she ends up ditching Elizabeth to live with. Kind of a watered-down version of Lila, but not actively unlikable, at least not yet.
- Danny Wyatt – Jessica’s first semi-love interest. He’s black, as we’re reminded many times.
- Peter Wilbourne III – president of Sigma frat and a huge, racist jerk. He basically runs the campus. Isabella warns Jess that Peter will make her life horrible if she dates Danny.
- Tom Watts – Danny’s roommate. He used to be a jock, but after some unspecified accident, he got into reporting at the TV station.
- Michael McAllery – a guy Jessica gets into a car accident with. More on him later.
- Mark Gathers – a guy Alex is interested in. He gets set up on a date with Jessica, which makes Alex sad, but Jess and Mark don’t like each other like that, so it’s okay.
- Celine Boudreax – Elizabeth’s roommate after Jessica moves out. She’s a horrible person, but only Elizabeth sees it because Celine puts on a demure-Southern-belle act with everyone else, including Todd.
- William White – a friend of Celine’s. He’s the Sebastian Valmont to her Katherine Merteuil. He’s very interested in Elizabeth, for some reason.
So after Jessica meets Mike (by crashing into his car), she becomes obsessed with him. This is despite the fact that a) he has no interest in her, and b) he’s a huge jerk to her. After the accident, he gets Jessica’s information, supposedly for insurance purposes, then lets himself into her dorm room to bug her. She thinks that since he never filed an insurance claim, he doesn’t plan to make her pay for the damages. She’s too dumb to realize that he seems to be willing to accept sex as a payment option. Isabella and Steven both warn Jess to stay away from him, but…you know, dumb.
Danny takes Jessica to a Sigma party, where he has a run-in with Peter. Tom breaks things up, noting to himself that in the past, Danny would have handled things on his own. We come to learn that Danny has a brother who got into a fight, was stabbed, and is now in a wheelchair. Danny decided that he doesn’t want to get hurt over something trivial, so he no longer uses violence. Elizabeth tears into Peter for his behavior, which means neither twin is on his good list, but Tom is suddenly infatuated with Liz.
Not so infatuated with Liz: Todd, who wants to have sex. Silly Todd. Elizabeth’s distaste with premarital sex even spills over into her relationship with Alex after Alex spends the night in Mark’s room (but they don’t do anything). Elizabeth gets up on the highest horse she’s ever been on, effectively ending her and Alex’s friendship.
Things get worse for Liz: Celine brings a guy back to their room, so Elizabeth sexiles herself, only she has nowhere to go. She ends up spending some time at Steven and Billie’s. Nothing important or interesting happens. Then, because Celine has been so sweet to Todd, he thinks Elizabeth is crazy for not liking her. They fight and end up breaking up. I’m sure that will last.
Oh, by the way, a rumor is spreading around campus that some psychic predicted that someone will be murdered on Halloween. Everyone figures, with no evidence whatsoever, that the victim will be a blond girl. Tom decides to protect Elizabeth, who he officially meets when she starts working with him at the TV station. He thinks the Sigmas started the rumor about the murder, and that they’re targeting Liz. She tells him she doesn’t need protection.
Halloween rolls around, and there’s a dance. Jessica dresses as Penelope from The Odyssey while Elizabeth wears a similar costume as…Justice. Gag. Jess goes to the dance with a guy named Geoff, who’s one of the racist Sigmas and is two seconds away from date-raping her when Danny pops up and saves her. The Sigmas attack Danny, but this time he fights back, later implying to Tom that sometimes you need to be a little violent. He also says that his brother could have taken all of them by himself, even from a wheelchair, which is pretty funny. I like Danny.
Instead of thinking that maybe she shouldn’t be going off alone, Jessica leaves and is attacked by either Peter or William (hard to tell since he’s in a costume). She’s saved again, this time by Mike, who is apparently into her now. And for some reason, that’s how the book ends.
Thoughts: Yay, now you guys get to hear me talk about my college experiences! Get excited! …Hey, where’s everyone going?
The twins, Todd, Alex, and Winston all get to take cars with them to college. Yeah, I bet.
Yes, I’m calling her Alex, because I respect people’s wishes, Elizabeth.
“It wasn’t as if Elizabeth was the annoying member of the Wakefield family. She was the Wakefield twin everybody loved.” Liz sure thinks highly of herself, doesn’t she?
Jessica slams Elizabeth for being into women’s rights. I bet she’ll change her tune when she has her first unplanned pregnancy and needs to find an abortion clinic. Because we all know that of all the girls in the Sweet Valley-verse, Jessica’s the most likely candidate for that to happen to.
Peter: “I’m Peter Wilbourne the Third.” Elizabeth: “You mean they tried twice before you and they still didn’t get it right?” SUH-NAP. That was awesome.
Winston, you idiot. The Sigmas would like you MORE if they knew you live with a bunch of girls.
Jessica, Mike doesn’t want to date you. He wants to plow you. He has freaking cards with his name on them! He’s evil! See, this is what’s going to lead to you needing an abortion clinic.
July 20, 2013
Summary: Donna wakes up on Halloween morning to find Ray putting pumpkins on the beach apartment porch. He wishes her a happy anniversary, because he still hasn’t accepted that she’s dumped him. He asks her to go to the After Dark’s Halloween party with him, saying he’s just trying to work things out. Things are much happier at Dylan’s house, which is now Dylan and Toni’s house. She’s very excited for Halloween and wants to put up a lot of decorations. A black kitten comes to the door, and though Dylan thinks it’s bad luck, Toni’s happy to have a new pet.
Back at the beach apartment, Clare deals tarot cards to tell her own fortune. One of them is the “lovers” cards, and Kelly and Donna tease that that means her relationship with Steve is going somewhere. On campus, Brandon bugs Susan about her Halloween costume, which she wants to be a surprise. She’ll only tell him that it’s “very feminist.” Shocking! Donna meets Joe, a CU football player who’s a friend of Steve’s. They talk about how the team is on a winning streak, which is making all the players superstitious. He has a crush on her, and she might like him back.
Steve and Clare exposition that nothing happened when they went to the hotel together. She’s also no longer tutoring him. They bicker, and she says she misses getting paid to have to listen to him. She tears up the “lovers” card. Valerie’s stressed getting ready for the party at the After Dark, and annoyed by the presence of a fortune-teller named Madame Raven, since her camper is taking up so many parking spaces. Raven makes a “love potion” at the Peach Pit and reads Valerie’s palm. Val asks Nat to get her to leave, but he says that’s bad luck. Raven offers to tell fortunes at the party. “I’ve already seen my future and you’re not in it,” Valerie replies.
Colin finally finishes the mural at the After Dark, telling Valerie that the payment for it will go straight to his rent. (He’s no longer Claudia’s sugar baby, remember.) Raven sets up a tent outside the After Dark and uses a crystal ball to look into David’s life. She tells him a soulmate is coming his way. David thinks that’s Valerie, but Raven says there’s some uncertainty about that. Oh, but the crystal ball is cloudy now, so she can’t tell him anything else. She gives him some of the love potion instead.
Colin goes by the beach apartment, where Kelly’s carving one of Ray’s pumpkins. She bugs him about getting a job, but he uses that old excuse of how working for money isn’t being an artist. He asks her to come to the unveiling of the mural that night. She’ll “consider considering it.” Dylan and Toni tend to their flea-ridden kitten, named Trouble, who scratches Toni. (Well, what did she expect, with a name like Trouble?) When she goes to get the first-aid kit, she finds Dylan’s gun inside. He tells her it’s just for protection in case Marchette comes after him. Toni orders him to get rid of it.
At the Peach Pit, Donna tells Ray that she wants to spend time with other people at the party, and she doesn’t want him to get upset. Ray interprets this as meaning that she has a date. She tells him that she’s willing to go to the party with him as a friend, but she needs space. He says fine, but he’s still determined to win her back. Bruno visits Toni at Dylan’s house and tells her that Marchette wants to meet with her. Dylan comes home and kicks Bruno out. Toni thinks Marchette wants to see her so he can declare a truce.
As Brandon and Susan arrive at the After Dark, Raven splashes Susan with water, saying she didn’t know Susan was there. Brandon questions her skills as a psychic. Raven sees that Susan has a letter from someone named Jonathan in Seattle and uses the information to get Susan to do a reading. Susan admits that Jonathan makes her wonder if she and Brandon should be together. Toni agrees to meet Marchette at the Peach Pit, where he tries to convince her to come home. She asks him straight out if he killed Jack. Marchette says no, but won’t answer when she asks if he had someone else kill Jack. It’s pretty clear what the answer is.
The party starts, and Brandon (dressed as the Godfather) tries to convince Susan (Pocahontas) to get her fortune told. Ray puts on a creepy mask so he can stalk his ex. Brandon and Susan visit Raven, who tells them someone is in the way of their relationship. No, wait, not someone – something, specifically truth. “Five bucks for her to tell me you’re not Pocahontas,” Brandon laments. Susan decides to tell Brandon the truth – she dated Jonathan, the previous editor of the Condor. He’s the reason she became so anti-workplace romance. Brandon doesn’t seem worried.
Valerie (a cavewoman, I think) introduces Colin (a cowboy) for the unveiling of his mural. He’s down because Kelly isn’t there, but he spots her just as the mural is revealed. Also, she’s dressed as a cowgirl. The mural is…weird. The Cramps perform as Kelly learns that Colin planned his costume after he got Kelly’s out of Donna. They seem to be okay now. Dylan hands out candy at the house while Toni mopes. He tells her to stop blaming herself for things Marchette did, and to let it go. He tries to cheer her up by getting her back in the Halloween spirit.
David (a caveman, so I guess I was right about Valerie’s costume) puts love potion in some drinks, then chats with Clare (Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie) and Steve, who looks like Major Nelson from I Dream of Jeannie but insists he’s an Apollo 13 astronaut in his dress uniform. The drinks get mixed up, and Steve and Clare get the ones with the love potion in them. Ray sees Donna and Joe (a pirate, though it’s hard to tell) dancing and yells at his ex. He warns Joe that she’ll tear his heart out.
Steve and Clare start feeling weird, so they decide to go to a dressing room to cool down (which I guess is what the kids are calling it these days). Colin collects his payment from Valerie and tells Kelly he can’t use his money for expensive, pretty things now. He’s decided to take a teaching-assistant position at CU. The love potion does its thing on Steve and Clare, or maybe they’re just driven to lust by their semi-hatred of each other.
Joe takes Donna home, then tells her that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for them to get involved, considering how Ray reacted to seeing them together. After he leaves, Donna finds out that Ray has been lurking on the porch, eavesdropping. He calls her a slut and tells her they belong together. He grabs her arm, but Joe comes back and shoves him around to give him a taste of his own medicine. Joe hangs around to keep Donna company, telling her he came back because he changed his mind about holding off on pursuing something. They kiss. Valerie and David kiss, too, and he admits that he slipped her some love potion. She tells him she doesn’t believe in that stuff. Raven watches them, thinking she contributed to their happiness.
At the Peach Pit the next day, Steve tells Valerie and David that he and Clare hooked up the night before. Valerie thinks it’s because of the love potion. Nat tells Brandon and Susan that Raven disappeared without paying her bill. A cop shows up looking for her, telling the group that Raven sells a bogus love potion. Everyone denies having seen her. Nat still has a bottle of the potion but won’t sell it to Steve.
Dylan takes Toni to the spot where his father died, wanting to see it one more time before he lets it go. He tells her they need to leave Beverly Hills. She wants to go somewhere with nice weather and scenery, so he suggests Hawaii. Toni wonders if Dylan can really let go of what happened to Jack. In response, he throws his gun in the water.
Thoughts: Two minutes in and Joe is already 80 times more likable than Ray.
A gun in a first-aid kit? Was that just the first place Dylan could think of to stash it? How weird.
Seeing Dylan with cat toys makes me go, “Awwwww!” What’s wrong with me?
Dylan to a trick-or-treater dressed as a prisoner: “You shoulda had a better lawyer.” Hee.