February 20, 2016
Summary: Last episode ever! Whee! Donna’s at the After Dark, discussing wedding-reception details with Nat and Noah. She says she and David sent an invitation to Ellen but hasn’t heard back. Apparently Donna and David’s friends are throwing them their reception, which is the best advantage of having friends in the restaurant business. Since Dr. Martin is dead, Donna has no one to walk her down the aisle, so she asks Nat to do it instead. Nat says that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever asked him to do.
Steve helps Janet with an article, assuring her that Charles will like her ideas for Nouveau. He’s right – Charles wants Janet to be the new editor. Janet’s too overwhelmed to be happy; this means tons more work and less time with Maddy. She tries to remind herself that she’s gotten what she wanted. At David’s house, he and Donna look through RSVPs (Andrea and Valerie are coming to the wedding; Brandon and Gina aren’t). Donna worries that they’re doing things too quickly, which means not everyone can come. She decides it’s the non-attending guests’ loss.
At the beach apartment, Kelly worries to Steve that their lives are like a Stephen King novel and something awful is lurking around the corner. Steve tells her that their friends are awesome, which means their lives are awesome, etc. Then he reveals that Matt’s leaving for New York the next day, so he won’t be at the wedding. Dylan arrives and asks Kelly if she wants to dance, for some reason. She wants to wait. She’s still a little annoyed that he kept Matt’s secret from her, but not so annoyed that she won’t let him nuzzle her. So I guess they’re back together?
Steve takes Janet to an empty office building, telling her that he thinks they’re both looking for balance in their lives. He wants to rent an office in the building and run a publication together. They’ll have room for Maddy, so they can work and spend time with her at the same time. Janet’s worried about taking another big risk, but she wants to give it a try.
Donna’s bachelorette party is pretty tame, considering Felice, Jackie, and Ms. Teasley are among the guests. Andrea presents the bride with a video message from Brandon, who calls her “baby” and tells her to give his love to Kelly. Kelly says he’s “still disgustingly cute,” so someone needs to get her eyes checked. Andrea serves ice cream and popcorn, which Donna remembers eating at Brenda’s sleepover way back in season 1. No one mentions whether Brenda’s coming to the wedding. Valerie arrives with a giant box of condoms. Thanks, Val.
Over at the Walsh house, the guests for the bachelor party include Mel and Muntz. Brandon has a video message for the groom as well, taunting David for having to wait so long to have sex with Donna. Shut up, Brandon. Valerie has a game for Donna, “Pin the Macho on the Man.” (I think she only said “macho” because Donna’s mom is there.) Donna has to shoot a Nerf dart at a picture of David, and she misses horribly. Surprisingly, Felice wants to play.
Kelly shares with Janet that Steve was her first love (though she was only 15 at the time). She asks if Steve ever growls or barks during foreplay. Valerie recognizes those sounds. Janet asks if anyone in the room hasn’t slept with Steve. Everyone but Kelly raises her hand, though Ms. Teasley doesn’t hear the question. Felice pins the macho right on the man. I’m going to be sick. Ryan shows up at the bachelor party with a stripper named Kiki who turns out to be a guy in drag. Thanks for your contribution, Ryan.
Suddenly it’s the day of the wedding, which takes place in a church but is officiated by both a priest and a rabbi. Erin’s the flower girl. Janet and Kelly are bridesmaids, allowing Steve and Dylan to admire their significant others in dressy clothes. Nat gives away Donna and her cleavage. Dylan reads a passage from Letters to a Young Poet about marriage being a partnership where each partner is “the guardian of his solitude.” Then they learn to see each other as part of a whole. Matt arrives late and stands at the back of the church.
Kelly reads the Elizabeth Barrett Browning “how do I love thee?” poem, so way to be original, guys. Matt gets uncomfortable and leaves. David and Donna exchange original vows, with him talking about how he feels he’s loved her his whole life, and her saying that he’s inspirational and gives her the courage to be herself. They both cry. Then they recite traditional vows and cry more. Rings! Kiss! They’re married!
The reception is held at the Beverly Hilton. Steve is allowed to talk. Donna and David share their first dance to a live performance by Eric Benet and Tamia. Matt makes another appearance, having delayed his departure for New York to talk to Kelly. They were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. He thought that they could get past all of their problems, even the Dylan-related ones. But after hearing Dylan and Kelly’s readings at the wedding, he realized that they have a good connection after all. Matt thinks Kelly made the right choice, and he’s happy for her.
Noah dances with the bride, telling her he was thinking about moving away. Now, though, he thinks he might be able to give Ellen the commitment she wants. He ducks out to go talk to her. Donna asks Andrea about Hannah, who’s playing T-ball. David shares a nice moment with Valerie. The cake is cut, and no one smashes it in anyone’s face, which is nice. Kelly gives a toast, talking about how horrified she was when her and David’s parents first got together. But now she loves him, not least because he’s turned Donna into her sister.
Donna throws her bouquet, which Kelly catches (and it looks like that was the plan). Later, she and David toast to the gang, then dance some more. For the second time in the episode, Dylan asks Kelly to dance. This time, she doesn’t want to wait. Dancing montage! Everyone’s having a good time! David doesn’t embarrass himself, for once! Then the episode ends, and these people are out of our lives!
Thoughts: I have watched every single episode of this godforsaken show. All I know is it went on at least three seasons too long.
Andrea’s hair looks cute for the first time in the entire series. It’s very 2000.
So Valerie’s close enough to Donna and David to come to the wedding? Even though David’s her ex? And no one’s mentioned her for two years? Okay.
The bridesmaids’ dresses are a great shade of purple. Nice choice, Donna.
David’s mother doesn’t appear, and no one mentions her, so I hope she’s okay.
Remember Tamia? No? She had that…song? About…love? Okay, I don’t remember her either. But she’s married to Grant Hill now, so good for her.
October 24, 2015
Summary: Everyone’s gathered at the hospital, where Janet has just given birth. Steve’s with his wife, and when she wakes up, he tells her they have a daughter. However, Janet and the baby aren’t in the best shape right now. In the waiting room, Gina catches Donna staring at her. Steve tells the gang that Janet will be fine, but the baby’s having some breathing problems. Matt has a bunch of cigars, and Steve tells him to hold on to them until later.
At the Peach Pit the next day, Kelly and Matt tell Erin about the baby. Kelly’s worried that Jackie and Mel will use Erin as ammo in their approaching custody battle. Matt suggests that he, Kelly, Jackie, and Erin have Thanksgiving together. Dylan arrives, and Nat confirms that he has 14 turkeys for Thanksgiving. Dylan’s decided to host a big dinner at the community center.
The day before Thanksgiving, Noah goes with Donna to her parents’ house so she can talk to her father about Gina being his daughter. Gina’s already there, cooking with Felice. She mentions her “father” and how close they were. At the hospital, Janet’s doctor wants to see if the baby can breathe on her own, though the process could cause complications. On the other hand, too much oxygen could cause other complications, like blindness. Janet demands to see her daughter.
At the boutique, Dylan asks Kelly if she’s interested in helping out with dinner at the community center. Erin hates the idea of doing chores on a holiday. Kelly points out that Dylan can hire people to help him. Jackie complains about Mel and his lawyer, not realizing that Erin’s there. When she does realize it, she’s not apologetic – Erin should know that her father’s a jerk.
Gina leaves for a while, and Felice complains about her lack of cooking ability. Donna calls her out for whining after she fawned over Gina all morning. Dr. Martin comes home, and Donna learns that he had nothing to do with inviting Gina to dinner. She tells her father about her discovery, and he admits that he’s Gina’s dad. Also, Felice has known all along. Donna’s upset that she and Gina were lied to their entire lives.
Donna and Noah go to the Peach Pit, where she tries to wrap her mind around her parents’ lies. David arrives, and Donna has another moment of disbelief, realizing that her ex is dating her secret sister. David asks her to go easy on Gina. Speaking of Gina, Dylan tries to make nice with her with food and a bunch of flowers. She asks if he’s ever had a genuine feeling for anyone.
Kelly and Dylan visit Steve and Janet as they’re preparing to go see their daughter. Kelly laments that she feels useless about both the baby and Erin. Dylan suggests that she come serve dinner with him – it’s at least a direct solution to a problem. Donna returns to her parents’ house, asking for details on how Gina came to be. Apparently Dr. Martin got drunk and hooked up with Bobbi after a fight with Felice. Gina’s stepfather was happy to be considered her father, so the family never said anything. Donna’s mad that they didn’t.
Dylan and Kelly cook together, and he tries to ignore her when she says she needs to call Matt. He pulls her hair back for her, which is totally not an excuse to touch her hair and her neck. Kelly brings up the fact that Gina and David are together, then tries to discuss Dylan’s revelation that he was at her wedding. He decides to give up and let her call Matt.
Gina takes Janet some of the pink roses Dylan gave her. David brings up the fact that Dylan’s still footing her bill at the hotel. He can’t figure out where Gina and Dylan stand. Gina claims that she’s trying to get over her ex. Janet and Steve lament that they’re still unsure of the baby’s prognosis, since they keep hearing different things. Gina appreciates that David wants to know the things she likes, like pink roses. She asks if she can spend the night at his place.
Matt’s waiting at the beach apartment when Dylan brings Kelly home. Jackie calls to accept Kelly’s invitation to help serve dinner at the community center. Matt asks Dylan about the dinner; he doesn’t think volunteering is something Dylan would normally do. He seems to think Dylan’s trying to show Kelly that he’s serious – serious about her, that is.
On Thanksgiving morning, Nat tells Erin that she gets the honor of putting whipped cream on the pies when the time comes. Erin’s more impressed with the hot fudge sundae her father let her have the night before. Jackie complains about her ex’s new living arrangements, so Kelly sends Erin away and tells her mother to stop talking trash about Mel in front of the girl.
Dylan arrives and announces that he can’t help transfer the food from the Peach Pit to the community center. He has to go to the airport and see an aunt Kelly’s never heard him mention before. Kelly blasts him for ditching his volunteers and a project he organized. David takes Gina a pink rosebush, seeing for the first time that she already has plenty of flowers in her room. He’s mad that she claims to be mad at Dylan but kept the flowers. She wishes he would be more patient.
Janet, Steve, Donna, and Noah go see the baby, who’s doing better. Donna and Noah are impressed with how well the new parents are handling the situation. Janet decides that she wants to name the baby Madeline, which means “tower of strength.” Erin’s not helpful at the community center, and Jackie’s still complaining about Mel. Kelly tells her again to stop trashing him in front of their daughter. She’s been in Erin’s position; Jackie clearly has a pattern. Jackie points out that Kelly has one, too – she keeps cleaning up after Dylan.
Donna, Gina, and Noah have dinner with the Martins, who offer to pay for a ticket if Gina wants to go back to Denver to visit her mother. Donna objects, wondering in the next room if her parents are trying to get Gina to leave town. She wants to give Gina the news that they’re sisters. Felice points out that Gina will be mad that Donna had such a great life with lots of money while she and Bobbi struggled. “Happy Thanksgiving. You make me sick,” Donna tells her parents. She asks Noah and Gina to leave with her, but Gina stays, calling Donna spoiled.
Erin’s bratty again at the community center, wanting to do something she claims Mel would let her do. This time Jackie doesn’t make a negative comment about Mel. Yay, she learned! She confirms that she knows the divorce is tough on Erin, but her parents still love her. Then she suggests that Erin call Mel to wish him a happy Thanksgiving.
Later in the evening, the gang takes food to Janet and Steve at the hospital. David and Dylan confirm that they’re able to be in the same room at the same time. Steve says a sweet prayer, thanking God for Madeline and their friends. Matt questions Dylan about his activities that day, mentioning that, since Matt put together Dylan’s will, he knows there’s no aunt. But he’s grateful that Dylan gave him the chance to spend time with Kelly.
Gina arrives to tell David that she threw all of Dylan’s flowers out the window. David apologizes for being a jerk, but Gina’s fine with the way things have turned out. Donna pulls Gina away from the group, asking how dinner was with the Martins. Gina reports that Felice started crying and Dr. Martin left. Donna apologizes for ruining the holiday, which never went well for her after her “father” died. The gang heads to the NICU, where Janet has finally been able to hold the baby. Janet and Steve are all, “It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!”
Thoughts: Now we know why Felice is so awful – her husband slept with her sister! That said, she gets points for being nice to Gina.
This David/Gina thing is a mess and I want it to be over.
Janet looks good for someone who just had an emergency C-section.
Want to feel old? Madeline would now be old enough to drive. Have a nice day!
October 17, 2015
Summary: Steve brings his new wife breakfast in bed the morning after their wedding. She had to spend the night in her wedding dress because she was squeezed into it too tightly to get out. Fortunately, she considers that the only bad part of her wedding day. Jackie meets with Matt about filing for divorce from Mel, then spends some of her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s money at Donna’s boutique. Matt assures Kelly that Gina won’t be in the office whenever Jackie’s around. For her part, Jackie only blames Gina, not Noah. She informs Donna and Kelly that Gina blackmailed Mel.
Gina and David are happy after their night together, which he claims he never thought about before. He’d like to hook up again, though. Of course Gina’s not going to commit to anything because there’s always the possibility that Dylan will want her back. (That’s all subtextual, but I speak Gina.) Dylan meets with the community center’s co-director, Patsy, about Andrew, whose job has been “eliminated.” Dylan knows it’s because Andrew’s sexuality was exposed after his gay-bashing. Patsy’s like, “I have nothing against the gays, but think of the children!” Dylan threatens to pull funding if Andrew doesn’t get his job back.
Kelly and Donna hang out with Erin, and when David arrives, Donna takes Erin away so Kelly can talk to him. She informs David that Gina told Jackie about Mel’s visit to the strip club. David barely blinks, saying the breakup of the marriage has nothing to do with Gina. Steve accidentally sets his and Janet’s honeymoon suite on fire. Dylan tells Andrew that he’s going to get his job back, but Andrew doesn’t want to have to confront Patsy. He’d rather just give up the job and walk away. Dylan objects to letting a bigot win.
Dylan then runs into Gina and tries to make up with her. She blows him off to spend time with David. David brings up Gina’s alleged blackmail, and she pretends she didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, she was trying to help him, since she snuck him out of the back of the club when the police arrived. David decides to drop the subject, especially since there’s a chance he and Gina will end up in bed again. Elsewhere, Janet’s ready to wrap up the honeymoon, since nothing’s turning out too great. (Their new hotel room is next door to a polka band.)
At the beach apartment, Kelly walks in on new roomie Noah in the bathroom. David and Gina have spent another night together, though she’s still unsure whether he believes her lie that she didn’t blackmail Mel. On his way out, David runs into Dylan, who’s mad that Gina’s already moved on to someone else. She tells him it’s his fault for treating her the way he did. At the boutique, Kelly tries to get Erin to open up about Jackie and Mel’s problems, but Erin’s not in the mood to talk. Donna shows Kelly the genealogy software she got Steve and Janet as a wedding present.
David arrives and blasts Kelly for spreading lies about Gina. Kelly tells him to ask Mel what happened if he doesn’t believe her. Erin overhears her saying that Gina’s responsible for breaking up her parents. Andrew does, indeed, go back to work at the community center, so Dylan gets to say “I told you so.” Patsy’s son, Henry, takes him down a notch by announcing that his mom won’t let him play basketball for a gay coach anymore. Patsy tells Dylan he’s free to withdraw his funding; at least they’ll keep their values.
Steve’s determined to make the honeymoon work, even though Janet’s done with it. He even gets the polka band to play them some music to dance to. Gina goes to David’s to tell him that Dylan knows about their relationship, so she and Dylan are officially through. David, however, now believes that Gina blackmailed Mel, and he’s not going to keep seeing someone who hurt his father. At the boutique, Donna test-drives the genealogy software by looking up Steve’s family (they’re Russian and their name was originally Sandowscowicz). Kelly’s annoyed that the beach apartment is crowded now, which makes no sense, because there are only three people there.
Kelly spots Gina on her way to Matt’s office and attacks her for showing her face after destroying a marriage. Gina points out that it’s not her fault if men in Beverly Hills want to go to strip clubs. Dylan learns that a bunch of kids have refused to play basketball if Andrew remains the coach. He urges Andrew to keep his job and teach the kids what’s right and what’s wrong. Andrew, however, misses having a job he actually enjoyed. He tells Patsy that he quits. She seems surprised, somehow. Noah’s happy about the new living arrangements at the apartment, but Donna’s on edge and worries that Kelly will find something to criticize. Noah basically tells her to get over it.
Dylan goes to David’s to confirm that they’re still friends, then warns him about getting too close to Gina. “You two dating must really make Mel proud,” Dylan remarks. Hey, Dylan? Stay out of it. Erin asks David if Mel and Jackie had a fairytale wedding like the one Donna said Steve and Janet had. David asks if she wants to keep reading Snow White, but she says she knows how it ends – they live happily ever after. Janet starts feeling strange, and Steve thinks she’s just hungry, but she thinks she’s in labor (six weeks early). She has to calm down Steve, who’s both panicked and happy.
At the hospital, Janet’s doctor tells her and Steve that even if the baby comes early, he or she should be fine. She’s admitted and told to relax while they monitor the baby. Dylan just can’t stop meddling, so he tells Henry to remember what Andrew taught him about standing up for himself and being a good person and blah blah blah. Andrew sacrificed his job so Henry could be happy, which means a gay guy just taught Andrew how to be a man. Yeah, Dylan, gay doesn’t mean feminine. Go home, please.
Jackie stops by Matt’s office and meets Gina for the first time. Gina’s like, “Hey, how do you like the favor I did for you, ending your marriage to a jerk?” After Jackie leaves, Matt tells Gina she was rude, and he’s axing her. Speaking of leaving jobs, Andrew’s about to say goodbye to the community center when Henry asks him to stay on. He listened to Dylan’s lecture about being true to himself or whatever. Steve and Janet are brainstorming baby names when she’s whisked away for an emergency C-section – the baby’s heart rate is low and needs to be delivered immediately.
Gina goes back to David’s house to tell him that she thinks they could be great together. She promises she won’t hurt him, but he says she’d have to add an “again” to that. He lets her in, though. While Kelly comforts Erin over the end of Mel and Jackie’s marriage, Donna uses the genealogy software on her own family and learns that she’s not her father’s only child. Dr. Martin had an affair with Bobbi, which makes Donna and Gina sisters. At the hospital, Janet delivers a girl, but both mother and daughter need blood transfusions. No one will tell Steve if they’ll be okay.
Thoughts: Remember how Dylan was going to get Steve and Janet the honeymoon suite at the Beverly Royale? I bet they regret turning him down.
Speaking of Dylan, I miss when he wasn’t Brandon 2.0.
David: “Gina. My girlfriend.” David, does she know you’re calling her that?
The destruction of Jackie’s marriage actually becomes her, beacuse she looks nice in this episode.
May 3, 2015
Summary: Steve and David are in Samantha’s dressing room, having watched a dress rehearsal for her new sitcom. David asks her to do an interview on his radio show. She hesitates to become a spokesperson for “the gay lifestyle,” which is news to David, since he didn’t know she was gay. Steve tells his mother that David just likes her. He hasn’t told anyone about her sexuality, partly to protect her privacy and partly because it makes him uncomfortable.
Matt smokes and creepily hangs out outside the boutique, then pretends he was working. He invites Kelly to drive around and look at Christmas lights with him, but she suddenly gets a call from Jackie telling her that her grandfather’s having trouble breathing. The doctors want to put him on a ventilator. Kelly reminds Jackie that his living will says he doesn’t want his life prolonged. However, when the doctor comes on the line, Kelly authorizes the ventilator.
Dylan goes to a storage facility to fix up and retrieve his car, which he hasn’t seen since the night Toni was killed. Kelly calls Donna from the hospital to report that her grandfather has stabilized since being put on the ventilator. The doctor warns that he could be on it indefinitely, but at least it means he’s still alive. Kelly isn’t sure she made the right decision, since this is how he’ll have to spend the little time he has left.
A teenage girl comes into the boutique, followed by some gangbanger friends. Donna’s fine with them being there, but Gina wants to chase them off. David tells Steve that Samantha’s going to come on his show after all. He thinks Steve should calm down about her sexuality. Steve thinks it’s a phase. David thinks he should be excited about the idea of two women being together. And that’s enough advocacy from David. Steve gets a call from a tabloid asking what it was like growing up with a lesbian mom.
Matt visits Kelly at the hospital, sporting reindeer antlers he won when he beat a kid in pediatrics at tic tac toe. (Adorable.) He runs into a lawyer friend who invites him to join him on a lawsuit. Unfortunately, he’d be defending a tobacco company, and Kelly strongly objects. Dylan takes his car to the After Dark, where Gina’s trying to get Noah to agree to see a movie with her. Dylan tells her to accept her rejection already. The two guys bicker about a belligerent customer. The customer then gets inappropriate with Gina, and Dylan and Noah team up to chase him off.
David makes Dylan walk away, but that only means he’s outside when the customer and his friends start wrecking Dylan’s car. “Only one of us is afraid to die here,” Dylan tells the guy. When Gina arrives and sees the car, Dylan tells her to “get away from her.” He works on the car again at David’s, refusing help from David and Noah. Noah notices a hole in the upholstery, causing Dylan to have a flashback to the night of the shooting. Noah thinks he should stop being a jerk.
A tabloid has published an article about Samantha’s sexuality, and now the co-star playing her husband has dropped a kiss they were supposed to have. However, she’s more upset about the fact that Steve denied to the tabloid that she’s not his mother. He defends the tabloid’s right to pry into her life; after all, she chose to be a celebrity. Samantha points out that she didn’t choose to be gay. She admits that she always had feelings for women but never acted on them. Steve wants her to keep quiet.
Matt joins the tobacco case, which upsets Kelly; she wishes he were just at the hospital to support her. He points out that her grandfather should have known the risks before he started smoking. Kelly notes that Matt recently started smoking again, so he’s defending his own habit. Matt downplays it as just something to do with your hands. Kelly asks if he would help if a client came to him and said he was thinking of killing someone.
One of the gang girls comes back to the boutique, telling Donna she wants a dress for her 15th birthday party. Donna’s nice to her, but Gina’s still suspicious. The dress is too expensive for the girl, who offers to pay for it with the money she’s going to earn from a new after-school job. Donna agrees to let her have the dress if she leaves the name of her employer. Gina warns that Donna will never see the money.
Kelly’s grandfather pulls out his ventilator but is now breathing okay on his own. He’s doing better, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to be okay. Kelly objects to the restraints the doctors have put on him to keep him in bed. He begs Kelly to stop authorizing treatments – he wants to die. Kelly admits to Jackie that she authorized the ventilator because she wanted to keep him around. Jackie assures her that she’s not being selfish. Kelly wants to figure out how to let go.
Dylan shows up for a visit, but Kelly asks him to take her to a park. They talk in vague terms about the possibility of giving her grandfather morphine and ending his life. Dylan knows there are some things that can’t be controlled, but this can. Later, Gina visits Dylan at David’s to thank him for saving her from the customer. He has her pegged as trying to steal Noah from her cousin, which he doesn’t get because…you know, it’s Noah. Even if she gets him, he’s not right for her.
Kelly tries to guilt Matt about smoking, noting that her grandfather could still have a number of years left if he’d never started smoking. The doctor wants to put in a feeding tube, since he’s not eating. Jackie objects, and Matt says it’s his choice. Kelly thinks it’s time to stop pursuing aggressive treatment. Jackie agrees and asks if they can take her father home so he doesn’t have to spend his last days in the hospital.
Gina interrupts Donna and Noah’s dinner at the boutique to ask about Dylan. Donna tells her and Noah about Toni and the mob hit. Noah feels like an idiot for pointing out bullet holes in the upholstery. Samantha accuses Steve of being embarrassed by the stories circulating about her sexuality. She reveals that she was fired from her show: “Who wants a homosexual in their living room? Not you.” Steve asks why she got married and adopted a kid when she knew she was gay. Samantha says that being his mother was the best job she ever had, and the only decision she was ever 100% sure of.
Gina moves on to asking Donna about Dylan and Kelly’s past relationship. Donna basically tells her to back off. The gang girl, Sonia, comes back with her friends to return the dress, which she’s cut so she doesn’t have to pay for it. Gina shows Donna her “I told you so” face. Kelly tells Dylan that her grandfather’s going home the next day to die. She told herself she only wanted to see Dylan because they’re old friends, but it’s more like he’s become an addiction. They kiss.
The next morning, Noah arrives as Dylan’s waking up from a nightmare about Toni’s death. Noah can sympathize about Dylan’s nightmares because he had some after his girlfriend died, and then again after his father died. Dylan doesn’t want to be his new BFF. He decides to sell the car. Kelly and Jackie go see Grandpa, who’s chatting with Matt. He says he’s quit smoking again, this time for good. He wants to celebrate Kelly’s grandfather’s release from the hospital with her, but Kelly’s now doubting their connection. He knows it’s because of Dylan, and hopes she changes her mind.
Sonia promises to pay Donna back for the dress, promising that her friends made her ruin the dress. Sonia admits that she skipped her own party because her friends would have kicked her out of the gang. They want her to do a drug run; if she doesn’t and she gets kicked out of the gang, she’ll become a target. She talks about how horrible her neighborhood is and how joining the gang wasn’t something she could control. A girl got in trouble because of her, so now she owns them.
Grandpa’s supposed to go to hospice, but instead, Jackie and Kelly take him to Jackie and Mel’s. The family wants him to get the most out of his last days. They start opening Christmas presents, so…sorry, Mel and Erin. Steve asks Samantha to the After Dark, encouraging her to do the interview with David. He wants her to be proud of who she is, because he’s proud of her. David’s thrilled to do the interview, introducing Samantha as “the mom you wish you had.”
Dylan’s upset after selling the car, and Gina asks if he’s ready to let go of something that meant so much to him. Guys, I don’t think she’s talking about the car. She tries to invite him to hang out, but he wants to be alone while he burns Toni’s mob money and buys heroin. Oh, Dylan. If Kelly didn’t like Matt smoking cigarettes, she’s definitely not going to like this.
Thoughts: “Get your facts straight – I’m adopted.” That doesn’t mean Samantha didn’t raise you. Shut up, Steve.
Samantha wonders if she should have been the kind of mother who volunteered with a Girl Scout troop. Steve: “They wouldn’t want you.” Bite me, Steve. Where’s Janet to yell at him?
Yes, Donna’s exactly the sort of person who would be able to help someone get out of a gang. Come on, show. This is dumb.
Steve: “That’s my mom. She’s gay.” Noah: “Cool.” Matt: “Cool mom.” Awesome.
April 26, 2015
Summary: David broadcasts from the After Dark, reporting that Dylan’s back. Apparently he hasn’t explained why he came back, but some fun rumors are swirling, like the one that Dylan’s smuggling diamonds. He and Kelly are at the club, and she asks what’s going on with him, but Dylan enjoys being mysterious. Gina urges Donna to keep her distance from Noah until she’s gotten past everything that’s happened with them. Then she tells Noah to keep up his romantic gestures.
Outside the club, Matt confides in Steve that he doesn’t want to go in because Kelly’s there with Dylan. He asks for details on their past, and Steve admits that they always thought they were soulmates, even after she got together with Brandon. Denise’s parents follow through on their threats and have David arrested for statutory rape in front of all of his friends.
Dylan bails David out of jail, then goes to West Beverly to talk to Denise. Mrs. Teasley stops him but allows Dylan to act as a go-between, since David isn’t allowed to talk to Denise. She tells him there’s nothing she can do. Dylan advises David to lawyer up. Janet meets Samantha, who has been busy since we last saw her – she has a new sitcom and is apparently dating her co-star. She’s unhappy with Steve’s new tabloid format, which makes him dig into celebrities’ privacy.
Gina goes with Noah to buy Donna some jewelry, reminding him that Donna’s spoiled and always gets what she wants. Kelly and Matt go to a hospital with Jackie to see Kelly’s grandfather, who doesn’t want treatment for his emphysema. Steve and Janet discuss Samantha, who has never been lucky in love; Janet hopes her new relationship, however unconventional, will be the one that lasts. Steve meets Barry, the co-star, who’s not much older than Steve himself.
Jackie chats with Matt, who’s a little antsy about not having a lot of clients right now. Kelly and Jackie discuss Jackie’s father; Jackie wants him to have surgery to prolong his life, but Kelly supports his decision to stop fighting. Jackie currently has her father’s power of attorney, and is supposed to pull the plug when the time comes, but she won’t do it.
Dylan arrives, wanting to take Kelly off for a drive, but she tells him he can’t just reappear in his life and act like things are the way they always were. She also has a family crisis to deal with. Matt scoffs at Dylan for seemingly not caring about the crisis. Dylan notes that Kelly has a lot of support for her problems – he came by to help her forget them. The next day, Matt deposes Denise, but she storms out. David begs her to just tell the truth.
Gina eavesdrops while Donna and Noah have a nowhere discussion about their relationship. Noah feels like he’s on probation, and would prefer to date someone who isn’t so spoiled. Donna objects to that word. Gina’s all, “I can’t believe he called you that!” Dylan tries to buck up David, who’s worried about how the whole case is affecting Denise. Dylan has no sympathy for her. David asks Dylan what he’s been up to the past three years, wondering if he still thinks about Toni. What a dumb question.
Steve complains to Janet that Samantha’s selfish – she’s dating Barry without worrying about how it will look to other people. Samantha points out that older men date younger women all the time, “but when an older woman is paired with a younger man, all hell breaks loose!” If she’s happy, Steve shouldn’t care who she’s with. He wonders what would happen if he disapproved of what makes Samantha happy. Samantha spits that no one has the right to judge her.
Kelly laments to Donna that her mother is trying to keep her from telling her grandfather that she won’t fulfill his wishes. Donna changes the subject to ask if Kelly would rather be with Matt or Dylan (who happens to be at the boutique). Kelly insists that there’s nothing going on with her and Dylan. Dylan asks Kelly what happened with Brandon; she makes it sound like they never got past being best friends. Dylan thinks she missed what they used to have. Kelly admits to being shaken by his return: “I hadn’t planned on it.”
Noah has plans with Donna, but Gina thinks he should move on to someone whose standards aren’t so impossible. Matt gets evicted from his apartment for not paying rent for six weeks. Kelly visits her grandfather, who wants her opinion on his decision not to have surgery. She tells him he needs to decide what’s best for himself. Then she tells him what Jackie said about not fulfilling his wishes. Dylan wonders if Matt is the right lawyer for David, who wants Dylan to admit that Kelly’s the reason he came back.
Matt asks Steve to put him on retainer in case the Beat needs legal representation, but Steve turns him down. Mrs. Teasley shows up to see what kind of person David is. She tells Dylan that Denise’s parents are pretty neglectful. Steve complains to David about Samantha dating someone so young, just before Barry himself shows up with a woman who’s definitely not Samantha. Steve may not like the guy, but he’s not going to stand by while he cheats on Samantha. A punch is thrown.
Gina thinks Donna’s letting Noah off too easy, especially after she’s been turning down all of his peace offerings. Donna thinks he’s proven that he’s the man she needs. Noah leaves a message that he’ll have to miss his date with Donna since he’s stuck at the club, dealing with the aftermath of Steve and Barry’s fight. Gina deletes it before Donna can hear it, then leaves.
Desperate for work, Matt turns himself into an ambulance-chaser. Kelly comes by to talk about her grandfather; she feels like she betrayed Jackie, but Matt reminds her that a living will is a legal document, and Jackie was going to violate it. He turns the conversation to Dylan, promising that he’s not going to get in the middle if Kelly needs to work through things with him. He’s not stepping aside, though – he’s willing to wait.
Noah arrives late for his date with Donna, confused as to why she’s upset, since he thinks she got his message. Dylan goes to see Denise’s parents, warning that kids whose parents ignore them tend to act out. After all, he knows from experience. He blames Denise’s parents for the whole mess and asks them to back off for Denise and David’s sakes. The Beat is being sued for libel, so now Steve is willing to hire Matt. He’ll also let Matt move into the Walshes’ house.
Samantha comes by to blast Steve for his fight with Barry. She reveals that they’re not dating, though she is seeing someone – someone named Linda. For the first time in his life, Steve is speechless. Donna deletes all of Noah’s messages begging to talk to her, still thinking he didn’t leave the original message about missing the date. Then she takes a message from Gina’s agent, learning that the spokesperson job Gina says she was offered isn’t real. Gina’s all, “Everyone around me has everything! I have nothing! Feel bad for me! But don’t pity me!”
Kelly’s grandfather understands why Jackie was going to defy his wishes, but he wants someone else to have his power of attorney – Kelly. Makes sense. Denise tells David that she won’t testify, and the DA agreed to drop the charges against him. Also, her parents are going to be more involved in her life, like, she’s already 17. It’s a little late now. David’s so grateful to Dylan that he invites him to move in.
Kelly calls Dylan to take him up on his offer to help her forget her problems. Gina eavesdrops on Noah and Donna again as he tells Donna he wants to earn back her trust. She agrees to give him another chance. Kelly asks Dylan again why he came back, but instead he tells her that he left Brenda two years ago. He traveled for a while, trying to forget his life, and decided to come back to Beverly Hills because it’s his home and he missed his friends, especially Kelly.
Thoughts: Oh, Dylan, I love you, but don’t tell Denise it’s her fault if David goes to jail. Yeah, she lied, but David was the one who slept with a minor, and her parents were the ones who pressed charges. Don’t make her feel bad for her parents being the way they are.
Gina, why do you have a sweater tied around your neck while you’re wearing a dress? Are you trying to start a trend?
I can’t think of anything else to say because I’m mesmerized by Vanessa Marcil’s pretty, pretty hair.
March 1, 2015
Summary: Noah bugs Donna about her date with Jacob the morning after it. She thinks his jealousy is adorable and reminds him that she’s just helping him get back at his ex. Valerie goes to a clinic to get her HIV test, but she changes her mind when she sees the poor condition of another patient. That night, the gang gathers for dinner, along with Jim and Cindy (!). Valerie tells David that Johnny revealed that he’s HIV positive.
Jim and Cindy give a joint toast, saying nice things about their son and his soon-to-be-wife. Kelly decides that their vows are fine the way they are. Valerie decides she wants to give a toast, and for some reason, Kelly doesn’t immediately have her removed from the room. Val says that she hopes to someday have what the happy couple has.
Steve ambushes Sarah when she gets home from a date with her husband, almost getting in a fight with Mr. Sarah. They both tell Steve to leave. Donna and Noah discuss their crumbling relationship and wonder whether they should call it quits. David takes Valerie back to the clinic and questions why she didn’t use a condom when she was with Johnny. She tells him she wasn’t thinking that night; if she had been, she would have thought about David.
Steve tells Brandon about his recent encounter with Sarah, who refuses to return his calls. Brandon thinks that’s normal – after all, Sarah’s married to someone else. David films Donna for the wedding video, but she’s not in the best mood for talking about love, since her own love life is going down the drain. Jackie visits Kelly at work and gives her the locket her father gave her mother on their 25th anniversary. Kelly’s worried because she and Brandon struggled so much with their vows.
Donna and Jacob get the Walshes’ house ready for the wedding, and she tells him that she and Noah are a little stuck. Jacob wonders if she’s considering moving on. Their ploy with his ex worked out, because she’s now interested in Jacob again, but Jacob would rather be with Donna. Cindy does her part of the wedding video, talking about letting go of your kids as they grow up. She’s sure that Brandon and Kelly are over the moon and excited to be getting married.
Steve goes to Sarah’s workplace, so he’s officially gone too far with this. She tells him that no matter how he feels about her, she’s not going to walk away from her marriage without fighting for it. It’s pretty clear that she and her husband are officially back together, and she doesn’t anticipate ever going back to Steve. Brandon and Kelly spend the night before their wedding apart; he tries on his ring and she tries on her veil.
Valerie has a sleepless night at David’s, trying to endure the nine hours until she can get her test results. He reminds her that people can live full lives with HIV, but she’s afraid that no one will ever want to be with her. She promises that if she’s negative, she’ll turn over a new leaf. She also apologizes for sleeping with Johnny, but David doesn’t care. Val’s surprised that he’s being so nice to her after they broke up. He thinks that she would do the same for him.
Kelly wakes up on the morning of her wedding finally feeling calm. Brandon, however, looks like he’s preparing for a funeral. Valerie films a nice message for Brandon but can’t bring herself to say anything positive about Kelly. The clinic calls and asks her to come back to get her results instead of hearing them over the phone. Jacob tries to find an excuse to talk to Donna, who admits that she doesn’t know where things stand with Noah, but she loves him. Jacob graciously bows out.
David, Steve, and Noah watch Brandon and Kelly’s portion of their video, in which they’re all lovey-dovey and happy. Valerie tells David she’s going to wait until after the wedding to go back to the clinic. He’s surprised that she’s willing to wait so long, but Val’s fine with postponing it, since she’s sure it’ll be bad news. Noah tries to talk to Donna while she’s running around, trying to put out fires. He runs into Jacob, who tells him that Donna wants Noah, so Noah should put forth some effort.
Steve whines to Joan about Sarah, like Joan doesn’t have anything better to discuss in her five seconds of screentime. Donna and Jackie get Kelly ready, and then Jackie dismisses Donna so Kelly can admit her nerves. She pretty much says that she wants to be with Brandon but not as his wife. Jackie’s like, “Okay, cool, don’t get married,” though she notes that it might just be cold feet.
Steve WILL NOT SHUT UP about Sarah, and it just makes Brandon wonder if he and Kelly have the same kind of passion that Steve thought he and Sarah had. Brandon thinks it’s a problem that he’s not nervous. He goes to see Kelly, who gives him a Swiss Army knife. He reads her an e.e. cummings poem, “somewhere i have never travelled.” They admit their doubts to each other and realize they don’t want to get married.
Donna and Steve are like, “There are a bunch of people here for a wedding, so you need to get married. Also, remember how you love each other?” But Kelly and Brandon walk into the church together and announce that they’re not getting married. The priest thinks they’re brave. They’re still going to have the reception at the Walshes’, but now it’s just a regular party. Somehow, even though no one got married, everyone’s happy.
Sarah shows up at the reception and tells Steve that she left a trip she and her husband were on because she missed Steve so much. She wants to get back together, but he’d rather have his dignity. David tells Valerie he still loves her, but this isn’t a good time to get back together. He’ll still go to the clinic with her, though.
Donna thinks Noah’s happy because Brandon didn’t commit himself to that horrible institution of marriage. Noah thinks Brandon was smart and made the right decision. But if he and Donna ever get to that stage, he won’t necessarily say no to marrying her. Jim and Cindy are supportive of Brandon and Kelly’s decision, and Jackie’s so supportive of Kelly that she wants to set her up with another guy already. Yikes.
Kelly offers to pay for half of the wedding, and Brandon tells her to take Donna on their would-be honeymoon. They dance and talk to their guests like they actually got married. Back at the clinic, a much less happy Valerie is about to get her test results. She and David try to convince themselves that everything will be okay.
Thoughts: I finally made it through season 8! Only five Brandon episodes left!
How many times did Steve and Sarah even go out? Time to drop it, Sanders. Eat some ice cream, watch some sad movies, wear some grubby clothes, and MOVE ON. (With Janet, of course.)
I get Dylan not coming to the wedding, but no Brenda? And no explanation for why she’s not there? Sure, right. And no Andrea either? That’s also strange.
Donna, I don’t think a bridesmaid’s dress is supposed to have a slit that high.
’90s music alert: Babyface’s “Every Time I Close My Eyes.”
February 22, 2015
Summary: Kelly and Brandon are getting married super-fast, but everything seems to be ready to go. Dylan and Brenda won’t be attending. David tries to be friendly to Valerie, but she’s not in the mood. She cries and tells him she did something really stupid. David doesn’t like hearing that she slept with someone else. She promises that he didn’t mean anything to her, and that there’s more: He was an IV drug user. David advises her to get an HIV test.
Instead, Val tracks down Johnny, who clearly doesn’t want anything from her now that he’s had sex. She announces to his colleagues that he’s a heroin addict, then asks Johnny his HIV status. He claims he’s negative. Donna and David try to film Brandon and Kelly for their wedding video, but neither knows what to say. Steve plans to introduce the gang to Sarah at the wedding, because he hasn’t yet decided that it’s a dealbreaker that she’s still in marriage counseling with her husband. She swears that her marriage is over.
Brandon and Kelly have lunch with Bill and Jackie, who keep offering to pay for the wedding but keep getting turned down. Bill wants to reminisce about their wedding, but Jackie doesn’t share his happy memories. Donna and Noah record a message for the wedding video, saying that Brandon and Kelly have true love. David asks what that means, and how they feel about marriage. They both say they’re not ready yet. Kelly and Brandon go ring shopping but bicker over whether or not to have them inscribed.
Donna loves the caterer’s choices, but Noah thinks the food isn’t that big a deal. He announces that he has a problem with marriage because it should be enough to declare your love for each other. As he leaves, a truck rolls down the driveway and straight toward Donna. The caterer, Jacob, saves her. At the Beverly Beat, Steve complains to Brandon that Sarah hasn’t called him after a counseling session. He’s sure that means that the session went well and she’s getting back together with her husband. He works himself up into a panic, and then, of course, Sarah calls.
Valerie tells David that Johnny said he doesn’t have HIV, but David points out that addicts aren’t always honest. He knows that you can have the virus for months before it shows up on a test. Val doesn’t want to waste her time worrying about something that might not be an issue. Noah agrees with that mindset, so Valerie asks him to hang out. David says she has something to do first. Donna complains to Kelly about Noah’s views on marriage, and Kelly complains that Brandon snores.
Janet tells Brandon to pick an obituary out of the paper and focus on the part that says “survived by” rather than the accomplishments the person made. Steve wonders why the men always die first. Sarah asks to reschedule a date with Steve so she can be with a friend who’s going through a bad breakup. David bugs Valerie about getting tested, which she still hasn’t done. She doesn’t want his support if he’s just going to pity her. She heads off to see a band with Noah.
Steve makes Brandon go with him to stalk Sarah and find out if she’s really with a sad friend. Brandon thinks he should enjoy being part of a competition. They stake out Sarah’s home, and she does indeed get a visit from a crying woman. Donna wants to talk to Jacob about how he saved her life, but he’s a little embarrassed by the attention. She offers him anything he wants as a thank-you, so he asks for a date.
Noah takes Valerie up to the roof of a building to take in the view, but she’s a little bummed at the sight of a billboard about HIV awareness. She walks on the ledge and tells Noah about playing Truth or Dare as a teenager. Noah gets nervous, not wanting to watch another girl die, like he did with Beth. Val complains that he’s overprotective. He pulls her back onto the building and she scrapes her arm. She runs off when he tries to help her.
Brandon and Kelly meet with a minister, who encourages them to write their own vows. Noah goes to the Walshes’ house to see Valerie; when David arrives a minute later, he accuses Noah of moving in on his ex. Val asks them both to leave. Steve talks to Brandon about how much he loves Sarah, commenting that Brandon must understand the feeling. Brandon clearly doesn’t have that same passion for the woman he’s about to marry.
Kelly complains to Donna that the first draft of Brandon’s vows didn’t turn out that great. She thinks she chose the perfect poem to read, but Donna didn’t understand it. Steve goes with Brandon to a jewelry store to look for a gift for Kelly, but Steve gets distracted and picks something out for Sarah. Brandon doesn’t like that Kelly wants to use a poem as her vows.
Noah’s mad that Donna’s willing to go on a date with Jacob; she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Noah doesn’t buy Jacob’s story that he just wants to use Donna to make his ex jealous. Brandon reads Kelly his vows, asking if they’re what she wants him to stay. She thinks they’re well-written, but she’d prefer if he described his feelings for her rather than just describe her. Kelly reads her poem, Deborah Garrison’s “Happily Married,” but Brandon doesn’t get it either. Rather than fight again, Kelly leaves.
Donna goes out with Jacob and they put on a great show for his ex. Steve meets Sarah for a date and has his worst fears realized: She’s decided to give her marriage another chance. Meanwhile, a high, drunken Johnny goes to the After Dark and confirms Valerie’s worst fears: He’s HIV positive.
Thoughts: Why would you go to marriage counseling if you weren’t going to get back together with your spouse? What a waste of money.
Steve: (ranting) Brandon: “Have you ever considered Ritalin?” Steve: “That’s for hyperactive kids! How dare you!”
David, Valerie is a grownup. I know she doesn’t always act like she is, but it’s true. She’s responsible for her own health. Back off.
Jacob is nice and charming, and he has an English accent. Noah is boring and more boring, and has no accent. Make the right choice, Donna.
I feel like a lot of the wedding prep should have been done earlier. No rings? They haven’t talked to the minister yet? Yikes.
February 1, 2015
Summary: Remember Muntz? He’s getting married! Brandon and Steve don’t understand why he would want to make a commitment to a woman he loves. They’re more excited about the idea of throwing him a bachelor party. Kelly confronts Brandon over a copy of Playpen she found, but he’s not apologetic. A sex shop called Guilty Pleasures is opening, and he considers the magazine research. He and Kelly disagree over whether the store should be able to open in Beverly Hills.
Donna and Noah have a catalog shoot for her line, and though most things are going well, there’s an assistant who’s too clumsy for Donna’s tastes. Donna snaps at her, and when she goes to apologize, we see (but Donna doesn’t) the girl, Monica, cutting herself in the bathroom. Steve and Brandon have a ton of ad offers now, but Steve’s been keeping Janet out of the office, running errands, so they don’t have to see each other after their awkward date. When Janet does come in, she suggests that they get bachelor-party decorations at Guilty Pleasures.
Valerie suggests that she and David go away for the weekend. He sees that she’s been reading an article about jumpstarting your love life. Kelly has lunch with Erin and Jackie, the latter of whom announces that she’s going to have a facelift. Kelly doesn’t see the need for it. She’s surprised when little Erin starts talking about how ice cream is fattening and she’s watching her calories. Later, Kelly talks to Brandon about how Jackie and Erin seem to be trying to fulfill a male fantasy. He promises to still find her sexy when they’re old and gray.
Donna helps Monica make a love connection, then notices that her arm is bleeding. Monica says her new cat scratched her. Donna’s still concerned no matter how much Monica downplays the situation. Kelly and Brandon continue talking about fantasy and vanity; she says she just wants to make sure he’s not thinking about someone else when he’s with her. After all, he’s been looking at Playpen. Brandon doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
The next day, Brandon, David, Steve, and Muntz go to Guilty Pleasures, where Brandon pauses to interview a protester before they go inside. The owner doesn’t care about the protests – he’s happy for the additional publicity. He also doesn’t care about the objectification of women because he has the First Amendment on his side. David buys a bunch of stuff in hopes of making Valerie happy. Steve swings a discount with the owner in exchange for ad space in the paper.
At the beach apartment, Donna tells Kelly and Noah about Monica’s cuts, which she doesn’t think are cat scratches. Kelly – who, after all, majored in psychology – thinks Monica cuts herself. Noah says they don’t know for sure, but Donna decides to keep an eye on her. At the Beverly Beat, Brandon asks Janet her opinion on magazines like Playpen. She’s fine with them and with sex shops because they help people express themselves sexually. She reports that her parents were hippies, so she’s always had this kind of attitude about sex. Steve thinks they have that in common. Janet’s still mad at him.
David brings his new purchases to the bedroom, but makes the mistake of saying he’s just trying to help her relieve tension. She thinks that means he thinks she’s tense. At the Walshes’, Kelly objects to Brandon’s article about Guilty Pleasures, saying he’s just using it as a platform to say pornography is awesome. She wants to make it about morals and ethics. Brandon doesn’t think it should be a crime for him to engage in a mindless activity like looking at naked women.
Donna finds a little knife in Monica’s things and confronts her over cutting herself. Monica blasts her for violating her privacy. At David’s house, Valerie’s already done with his new experiments. Monica’s love match falls through, and she confides in Donna how much she wishes she could have a flawless body like the shoot’s model. Donna tells her that one guy rejecting her doesn’t make things hopeless.
Steve tells David that he went back to Guilty Pleasures, and it made him feel sad about not being in a relationship. After all, if he were dating someone, he wouldn’t have time to go to a sex shop. He thinks David’s lucky to have a girlfriend he can have make-up sex with. Donna confronts Monica again about her cutting, and this time Monica admits to it. Donna encourages her to get help since she’s been unable to stop on her own. She shares her own experience with painkiller addiction. Monica notes that she still won’t be model-pretty, but Donna says her emotional state is more important.
While the guys go to Muntz’s bachelor party (which is in the middle of the day so his fiancée doesn’t find out about it), Kelly and Valerie complain about their boyfriends’ recent trip to Guilty Pleasures. Valerie’s fine with David going, but she wishes they’d gone forever. They’re in agreement about how annoying it is that the guys fantasize about other women instead of them. Meanwhile, the guys all complain about how women want things from them they don’t understand. Steve says Janet’s not like that, and Noah reminds him that she dumped him.
The stripper arrives, and suddenly no one can put together a complete sentence. Brandon wants to ask the stripper about her real life so he can’t be accused of objectifying her. Steve’s like, “Treat her like…a human? But why?” That night, he goes to the beach apartment to fight with Kelly some more about how stupid bachelor parties are. He reminds her that she and the other girls went to a strip club for Toni’s bachelorette party. Further, Brandon isn’t to blame for how all men see women. Kelly notes that he’s certainly not helping. She’d like to know where he stands, but isn’t it obvious?
Valerie puts on some sexy lingerie for David, then brings some bondage equipment into the bedroom. This is a little too much for him. On the boat, Donna tells Noah that she’s worried about the message she’ll be sending if she only uses a gorgeous model in the catalog. Women will feel that they’re inferior if they don’t look like her. Women already compare themselves to others, and the thing with Monica has brought it to Donna’s attention. She feels like she has the opportunity to make a statement.
Steve brings Janet breakfast to let her know how much he appreciates her. He feels bad about not giving them a chance, so they should go out again. Janet declines – she gave Steve a lot of chances and none of them worked out. He’s surprised that she’s turning him down after saying she’s in favor of sex without commitment. Janet points out that she’s not going to hook up with the wrong person. Brandon announces that they’re not doing trades for ads anymore, which means Steve has to pay full price at Guilty Pleasures. Also, they won’t be advertising for them anymore.
Donna brings in some new models for the shoot, wanting to have real women model the dresses she created for real women. Also, now Monica will feel better about herself and be cured of her insecurity issues! Yay, Donna! Valerie and David finally discuss their relationship problems, which don’t actually exist, since Valerie never thought they needed to jumpstart their sex life. She was just reading the magazine to get her horoscope. Womp womp. Then they have sex outside.
It’s the end of the episode, which means Brandon has to go tell Kelly that he did something wrong and she has to apologize for overreacting. Specifically, she approves of his article about Guilty Pleasures, which mentions that if people don’t want the sex shop to stay in business, they shouldn’t shop there. Brandon promises that he knows the difference between fantasy and reality. That…wasn’t her point at all, but A for effort, Bran. Kelly presents him with a Kama Sutra kit, because Brandon has earned a reward for admitting he was wrong.
Thoughts: The model in the article about jumpstarting your lovelife looks like a cross between Tori Spelling and Elizabeth Berkley. In other words, super-’90s.
Brandon and Kelly are the new Steve and Clare. Just break up! David and Valerie’s relationship is better than yours! Steve and Janet’s non-existant relationship is better than yours!
You can tell this episode is old because no one’s heard of cutting.
With the guys’ and girls’ stereotypical views on each other, I’m surprised no one brings up that famous ’90s book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
August 17, 2014
Summary: Kelly has amnesia, and Brandon thinks he can help jog her memory by showing her the engagement ring he once offered her. She asks if they were engaged, and he says, “Yes and no.” Really? Really, Brandon? Noah shows up, and Kelly’s happy to meet the guy who donated blood that helped save her. Brandon then talks to Jackie and Kelly’s doctor, who’s not satisfied with Kelly’s mental progress. And then the recording jumps, so I miss the rest of the scene.
When we pick up, Brandon, Steve, David, and Valerie are at the Walshes’, discussing how Kelly’s both lost the past couple years of her life and is having trouble retaining new information. They’re supposed to bombard her with information to help her remember. Valerie’s like, “I’ll help by reminding her how horrible I am!” Steve plans to visit Kelly after he tries to convince some of CU’s female basketball players to let him be their agent.
Brandon gets a job offer from the Seattle Times and tries to delay making a decision so he can stay with Kelly. He’s allowed an extra week to make up his mind. Noah visits Kelly again, and she asks him to bring Winston when he comes back (apparently Jackie will know what that means). Donna gets instructions from her new boss for errands, and offers to take her dog, Goliath, to the vet. Steve meets up with Charlotte, his basketball buddy, and gives her tickets to a Chemical Brothers concert to try to remind her how great he is.
As soon as Goliath learns that he’s going to the vet, he runs away. Yay, more dog wackiness for Donna! Kelly tells Brandon he shouldn’t give up the job in Seattle on her account. He doesn’t want to be miles away if she starts to recover her memory. He shows her pictures from Hawaii, but she doesn’t remember anything. The detective from the previous episode returns and tells Brandon that he needs to look at more pictures – his ID of the possible shooter hasn’t been confirmed 100%. After he leaves, Kelly turns her focus to a picture of Noah.
At the Peach Pit, Steve invites Carly to join him in celebration of his inroads in being a sports agent. She doesn’t want to hang out with him if it means she’ll be pursued romantically. Next door at the After Dark, David complains to Noah that he’s still having trouble getting the place popular again. Noah’s like, “Yeah, that sucks. Talk to me about Valerie.” David warns that she only goes after guys with money. Noah offers to help him find some new bands.
Donna runs in to get David to help her find Goliath (ha ha, David and Goliath). David tells her to tell her boss that Goliath has to stay overnight at the vet’s, which will at least buy her some time. Valerie brings Kelly some yearbooks, then quizzes her on her feelings for Brandon. She tells Kelly not to believe everything people tell her about their relationship; after all, despite the fact that Kelly kept her ring, they weren’t engaged. Kelly’s more interested in talking about Noah anyway.
Steve meets up with some supposedly popular sports agent, talking up Charlotte as a possible major catch for his agency. The agent admits that he only agreed to meet with Steve because he knows Rush. He gives back the concert tickets, warning Steve to deny giving them to Charlotte if anyone asks. It’s a big no-no to offer an athlete presents, something Steve should know if he plans to become a real sports agent.
Donna continues her list of errands for her boss at a boutique where Valerie was supposed to have a job interview. Donna’s having some trouble juggling all the phone calls her job entails, and keeping straight which client wants what. Val helps her sort everything out. Noah delivers Winston (a teddy bear) to Kelly, then convinces her doctor to let her leave the hospital for a few hours.
Steve complains to Rush about his latest screw-up, but Rush is, as usual, unsympathetic. But he does think Steve would do better with his own business, because he would have no choice but to succeed, since he’d be the only one responsible for his success. He has a little newspaper, the Beverly Hills Shopper, that he’s willing to let Steve run.
David’s stunned to hear that Donna’s willing to take Valerie on as a partner. Of course, if she doesn’t find Goliath, Donna won’t have a job she needs a partner for. She considers telling her boss the truth and offering to pay her, but David thinks that’s crazy. Steve has a job offer for Brandon: Brandon’s the newspaper’s editor-in-chief, Steve’s the publisher, and they split everything 50/50. Brandon, like David, thinks his conversational partner is nuts.
Noah takes Kelly for a walk on the beach, and somehow the conversation turns to Kierkegaard. Kelly remembers reading him in college, and that memory leads to a few more, like living in the beach apartment with Donna and Clare. She’s not sure she wants to remember everything, though, since forgetting has allowed her to have a new start. When Kelly and Noah return to the hospital, Brandon throws a fit, then mopes because Kelly still doesn’t have any memories of him.
Donna still can’t find Goliath, so she again decides to call her boss and tell the truth. It’s too late at night, though, so David tells her to wait. The next morning, Brandon visits Noah to yell at him about taking Kelly to the beach. Someone’s feeling territorial. He’s mad that Noah was supposedly just involved with Valerie and is now spending time with Kelly. Noah promises that he didn’t mean to cause any problems for Brandon and Kelly, and he’ll back off if that’s what Brandon wants.
Donna goes to her boss’ house for her big confession, but just as she knocks on the door, someone (he looks like a gardener) brings Goliath to the house. Donna’s job is saved! Noah takes Brandon, Steve, and David to a bar to listen a band; a waitress recognizes him, but Noah doesn’t want the guys to know how they know each other. Steve asks about Noah’s background, which Noah’s tightlipped about.
I guess Brandon doesn’t hate Noah that much, because he confides that he feels stuck: He wants the job in Seattle, but he doesn’t want to leave Kelly. He’d rather have her than the job. Noah tells him to seize the day because he’ll lose the chances he’s being given. “Without Kelly, you’re still Brandon,” he says. If he wants to wait for Kelly, that’s fine, but he needs to keep the passion. I’m still not sure what he’s advising.
But apparently Brandon gets it, because he wants to work on Steve’s newspaper. His conditions: Steve does all the business stuff, and Brandon gets complete editorial authority. Also, no ads for massage parlors. Later, Brandon goes to see Kelly, telling her he misses her and won’t be going to Seattle. She’s wearing the engagement ring on a chain around her neck, but after he leaves, she takes it off.
Thoughts: What a stupid plot with the dog. Donna didn’t even do anything to fix it. It was just luck.
If I called to offer someone a job and he said his girlfriend had been shot, I wouldn’t believe him, so Brandon is lucky, too.
Steve: “What do I have to do to get you to go out with me?” Carly: “Uh…be someone else?” Nice!
Color me impressed that Valerie doesn’t use Kelly’s amnesia to try to swoop in on Brandon.
Kelly and Noah have more chemistry than Kelly and Brandon. Just saying.
August 10, 2014
BH90210 8.3, Forgive and Forget: This Is Not the Time for Your Stupid Problems, Everyone Who’s Not Kelly
Summary: Kelly is rushed to the hospital after her shooting and quickly taken to surgery. The rest of the gang is questioned by a detective who wants to find the shooter. Most of them didn’t get a good look at the guy or his friends, so no one’s stories match up. Brandon, however, remembers exactly what the shooter looked like and vows to kill him if he comes across him again.
Someone calls Jackie, who arrives just as Kelly’s doctor comes to tell everyone how she’s doing. Despite multiple injuries, she’s expected to recover. Brandon sends the rest of the gang home to rest but refuses to leave the hospital. Steve goes to the Peach Pit, where Nat hasn’t heard what happened. KEG’s new rush chair wants to chat with his predecessor, who’s not in the mood.
Steve tells Nat about the shooting, then asks for the keys to the After Dark so he can get a drink. The rush chair pulls him over to talk to his friends, and Steve invites them to join him at the After Dark. Meanwhile, David and Donna go to the beach apartment, but he doesn’t want to stay the night or move in until she fulfills her promise to tell her parents they’re going to live together. Noah has Valerie take him to a random house to go swimming. Ugh, just have sex already.
Back at the hospital, Jackie says that the detective told her Brandon tried to protect Kelly. Brandon, however, blames himself for causing the shooting, since he picked a fight with the car thieves. In the morning, Noah wakes up in Valerie’s bed and sneaks out while she’s still asleep. Kelly wakes up to find Brandon by her side.
Apparently David spent the night after all, or maybe just came by the beach apartment early in the morning, in his pajamas, to help Donna make the bed. Felice shows up, and David thinks this is the perfect time for Donna to tell her they’re living together. She makes him hide in the closet. Felice asks Donna why she’s acting weird, and Donna tells her she got fired in Hawaii.
Kelly tells the detective what she remembers about the shooting, and he invites Brandon to the police station to check out a line-up. Jackie asks Brandon and Noah to have their blood typed; Kelly has a rare blood type, and the doctors want to be prepared in case she needs a transfusion. She also asks Steve to take Erin to her soccer practice again.
The After Dark’s accounts are overdrawn, and the latest liquor delivery is COD because David’s been late on some payments. It’s hard to feel sorry for him when Kelly’s in the hospital after almost dying. Valerie finds Noah on the Martins’ boat and tells him she’s not happy that he left without leaving a note. He tells her he left one on the fridge that said, “See ya.” He wants to go for a sail with her, but she’s not interested in him anymore.
Steve bickers with Carly at Erin’s soccer practice. She tells him he smells like tequila; he tells her she smells nice. She thinks he spent the evening with a girl he picked up at a bar. He tells her he actually spent it worried about his hospitalized friend. Steve feels bad about getting Carly fired from her job and offers to help her get another one.
Donna visits Kelly, sharing that her father got her an interview with a designer. She admits that she chickened out of telling Felice that David’s moving in. Kelly gives Donna her apartment key to give him. She tells Donna that she told Brandon she loved him before the shooting, and after she was hurt, she was grateful that she’d gotten to say it.
Brandon goes in for the line-up and immediately pegs the person he thinks is the shooter. Meanwhile, David and Felice join Donna in Kelly’s hospital room, where everyone continues to not tell Felice about her daughter’s living arrangements. David and Donna bicker, like, is this really the place?
Steve takes Carly, Zach, and Erin to the Peach Pit, where Nat quickly asks Carly to come on board as a waitress. Steve tries to further impress Carly by telling her he’s a sports agent. Apparently he really wants to be one, since he talks to Charlotte (a girl he met the night before) and tells her to contact him when she’s ready for the WNBA.
Donna goes on her job interview and is told she’s too stylish for the job. (I guess the designer hates her own clothes? I don’t know.) Instead, she’s offered a job as the designer’s personal shopper. Later, Donna heads to the After Dark, which is pretty dead. At least Steve’s having a good night, what with Charlotte showing interest in him. Carly isn’t happy to see them together.
Brandon has gone to the club, for some reason, and while he’s gone, Kelly develops a complication. The nurse who finally answers his call tells him to come back to the hospital. The doctor explains that Kelly had a blood clot, but a blood transfusion from Noah helped get things under control. Unfortunately, there may be more complications the doctors won’t know about until Kelly wakes up.
Noah takes Valerie a snow globe as a peace offering. They listen to blues music and Valerie reminisces about hearing it from her neighbor’s house when she was growing up. Donna finds Felice praying in the hospital chapel and decides this is the right time to tell her she and David are going to live together. She adds that they had sex, and she doesn’t feel guilty about it. Felice isn’t pleased. Donna tells David that she talked to Felice, and that she’s glad she’s no longer keeping secrets.
Brandon looks through pictures from the trip while Kelly remains unconscious. He admits that he’s having trouble staying strong. A few moments later, she starts to wake up. Because this is now officially a soap opera, Kelly asks Brandon, “Who are you?”
Thoughts: Oh, amnesia. Always so fun on paper, always so poorly executed.
Kelly’s doctor is played by Daniel Dae Kim. He hasn’t aged a day since this episode. The nurse Brandon talks to on the phone is played by Sonya Eddy, who also plays a nurse on General Hospital (but she’s much more fun on GH).
How did Noah know where to have Valerie take him? How did he know the house had a pool? How did he know no one would be there? That whole thing was so dumb.
Donna, freaking A, you are 22. It’s none of your mother’s business who you live with.
This might be the first episode where I haven’t hated Brandon even a little bit. I even felt sorry for him. I’m sure that won’t last.