September 17, 2013

BH90210 6.21, Bleeding Hearts: No Sex and the City

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:27 pm by Jenn

How shocking that Brandon is the hero here

How shocking that Brandon is the hero here

Summary: Kelly’s supposed to meet Jackie at the Peach Pit, but Colin is about to meet with a dealer to get some cocaine. He reluctantly takes her to the diner, where Brandon and David are telling Jackie about Kelly’s addiction. Valerie and Susan discuss Jonathan and Brandon, so apparently Jonathan is freaking still in town. So is Ginger, and Valerie suggests that they get her to distract Jonathan from Susan. Jackie plans to confront Kelly, but Kelly bails on their lunch date to stick with Colin and meet his dealer, the inexplicably named Danny Five.

Alpha house is having a Valentine’s Day pajama party/sex-out, where people stay abstinent for 24 hours. Steve is on board, which Clare finds hilarious. She tells him she’s not signing the abstinence pledge. Meanwhile, Valerie takes Ginger to meet Jonathan. Clare has a bet going that Steve won’t stick to his pledge, and she plans to make it really difficult for him. (Maybe that’s why she’s slicing a cucumber?) Brandon finds it funny until Susan tells him she’s signing the pledge.

Colin and Kelly are partying with some other people at the loft when Donna brings over Kelly’s mail. She asks Kelly to come home and attend the Alpha party; she should be with her friends. Kelly insists that she’s already with her friends. David kicks off Valentine’s Day by bringing Valerie breakfast in bed (though he still lives in a dorm, so it’s not that great). He wrote her a poem and she got him a friendship bracelet because he’s the first person she’s dated who’s also been a friend.

While Joe and Donna and cutesy, Susan gets roses from Brandon and gives him signed letters from Woodward and Bernstein. Then she gets an even nicer bouquet of roses, and you get one guess as to who sent them. At the loft, everything’s slanted and all the drugs are gone. Colin calls Kelly for being selfish and using all the drugs, though she points out that she’s the one who paid for them. (Well, Bill did, but still.) He tells her that if she wants more, she’ll have to get them herself.

CU’s football coach tells Joe that he’s going to be replaced on the team – they can’t count on him because of his recent medical issues. Kelly goes back to Danny Five and does coke with him while the rest of the gang goes to the pajama party at the After Dark (it’s really just a regular night at the club, just with everyone in PJs). Clare continues to stoke Steve’s fire, and he finally puts on a blindfold so he can’t see how sexy she looks. Jonathan and Ginger show up together, and Valerie immediately thinks Ginger has something up her sleeve.

Kelly and Danny Five do coke and make out until he leaves to deal with another girl doing drugs in the house. Kelly quickly starts to leave, but a guy stops her to demand money for the drugs. She calls for Danny, but the other guy grabs her and forces her onto the couch. Kelly suggests that they drink some wine and calm down. When the bottle’s empty, she smashes it over his head and makes her escape.

The gang is interested in Ginger and Jonathan’s sudden friendship, which is apparently just for show to make the others wonder what they’re up to. Clare’s still messing with Steve’s mind, but he’s practically welcoming it now. Brandon thinks Jonathan’s using Ginger to make Susan jealous, but Susan thinks he’s only there to bug Brandon. It’s not working, since Brandon’s happy that Jonathan has someone else to annoy. Donna’s dateless since Joe’s moping in his dorm room, and she decides to go find him.

During a dance contest, Ginger pretends to hurt her ankle so Jonathan has to find a new partner. Of course, he picks Susan, because when I think of people who enjoy dancing, the first person I think of is Susan. She keeps saying no and he keeps bugging her, so she punches him. Now Brandon’s having a really good night. Ginger’s annoyed at Valerie for fixing her up with a guy who’s in love with someone else, and she threatens to try to poach David.

Nat tells Brandon that Kelly’s in trouble, so he and Susan take off. Valerie takes David to her office and tells him all about her and Ginger’s previous scam and Ginger’s blackmail. David thinks she should give Ginger the $50,000 she wants, but Valerie would rather send him over to sleep with Ginger. Meanwhile, Brandon and Susan find Kelly, who’s really shaken up.

Joe packs his things, telling Donna that he’s leaving school since he can’t play football anymore. She points out that they don’t even know how serious his condition is. She understands why the coach took Joe off the team, but they need to find out if Joe’s actually sick. He’s upset because all he’s ever wanted is to play football. Valerie goes home alone to her little poem.

Steve barely holds it together until the end of the sex-out, then pounces on Clare. She thinks she won the bet since she set the clock back 30 seconds. She’s actually lost, since he’d already set it forward a minute. They get to have sex with each other, so I’m not sure who the real winner and loser are.

Ginger’s preparing to leave town, since she got what she wanted. Val thinks that means she slept with David, but it turns out he told her he wouldn’t have sex with her because he loves Valerie. Ginger didn’t really want to sleep with him; she just wanted to make Val miserable. David can’t put up with Valerie’s shenanigans anymore, so they’re done. He does promise not to tell the rest of the gang about her scam with Ginger, though. He gives back the friendship bracelet.

Kelly spent the night in the hospital with Brandon and Jackie by her side. She wonders how she got to where she is, saying she had everything and has lost it. She tells Brandon she still loves him. He doesn’t respond, but he agrees to stay with her.

Thoughts: This is really weird, but the guy playing Danny Five also played Bobby in “Leading from the Heart.”

I love the idea of Donna hosting a sex-out. “No sex for 24 hours? Well, it’ll be tough, but I think I can pull it off.”

David and Valerie were kind of cute, but there was no chemistry there, so I’m not too broken up about them…well, breaking up.

I’m impressed that Kelly can think on her feet so well when she’s high.

“Happy Valentine’s Day! Can I pimp you out?” Really, Val?

September 14, 2013

BH90210 6.20, Flying: Danger Zone

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 12:51 pm by Jenn

Unless that hand has drugs in it, she's not touching it

Unless that hand has drugs in it, she’s not touching it

Summary: The beach apartment residents are planning a garage sale, except they don’t have a garage. (Why don’t they have it at the Walshes’?) Kelly doesn’t feel well, and Valerie thinks it’s because she and Colin are having problems getting drugs. She’s actually wrong: Colin’s still using, but Kelly’s trying to quit. She’s not trying very hard, though, since she goes straight to Colin to ask for something to get her through the week.

Jonathan is still hanging around the Condor offices while on assignment in Beverly Hills, though he insists that he and Brandon have nothing to fight over. He even invites Brandon and any interested friends to come with him the next day for a biplane flight. Brandon declines, since the last thing he wants to do is sit in a confined space with Jonathan.

While looking for safety pins in Kelly’s room, Clare comes across the cocaine Kelly just got from Colin. She knows the amount could get Kelly in trouble with the police. Plus, since Donna and Clare live there, they could also get in trouble – and cocaine possession carries mandatory sentencing. Clare insists that Donna talk to Kelly about it.

Valerie goes through her clothes to find items for the non-garage sale, while David pretends to be helpful. Ginger LaMonica calls and announces that she’s coming to town tomorrow. Valerie refuses to have any contact with her and won’t even tell David who was on the phone. Steve thinks the guys should all go on the biplane with Jonathan, so now it looks like Brandon’s reconsidering.

Donna and Clare summon Kelly to the beach apartment, but she shows up with Colin and is definitely high. She thinks she’s in trouble because she’s not helping with the sale. Her roommates confront her over the coke, but of course Kelly denies that she’s using anything. Clare doesn’t believe her, so Kelly decides to take her ball and go home. And by “home,” I mean Colin’s place. And by “ball,” I mean drugs.

Joe’s been invited on the biplane flight with the other guys, though Donna’s nervous about his safety. She’s also upset that things with Kelly have gotten to where they are. At Colin’s, Kelly moves her stuff in and is told to help herself to coke whenever she wants. (Aww, Colin, you’re such a nice host.) The girls run the non-garage sale and talk about Kelly, though Valerie thinks they should be more discreet. And when Val thinks you should be discreet…

David shows up the sale, the only guy to skip the biplane flight. His decision to sit it out doesn’t help Donna feel better about Joe’s safety. Jonathan takes Brandon, Steve, and Joe to the airfield for a day of excitement and barrel roles and most likely some posturing between Jonathan and Brandon. Jonathan will be one of the pilots, and Brandon winds up in his plane while another pilot takes Joe up. Then the show fills a few minutes with stunt flying, because why else have this plot?

Donna and David talk about Kelly’s denial and the possibility of telling Jackie about her addiction. David isn’t sure, since when Mel found out about his drug use, it made him want to use more. If Kelly doesn’t want to get clean, what her friends say won’t matter. Back at the airfield, Brandon and Jonathan have bonded over doing guy stuff together. Joe gets out of his plane and promptly passes out. The guys decide to cut the day short. Joe asks Brandon not to tell anyone he fainted, especially Donna.

At the non-garage sale, we learn that Clare still has her blow-up boyfriend. Susan tells Valerie that she’s totally done with Jonathan, but she doesn’t mind having him around. Valerie tries to get her nervous about the fact that Brandon and Kelly are exes and still hang out. Ginger calls again, having found out from Nat that Valerie was at the beach apartment. She’s currently at the Walshes’ house and wants a place to stay in exchange for her silence about their previous scam.

Valerie tells David what Ginger’s up to and asks him to check her into a nice hotel. Ginger repays the favor by flirting with David and spending lots of Valerie’s money. Val swears David to secrecy about Ginger’s presence in Beverly Hills while she figures out how to get rid of her. At the Walshes’, Brandon downplays Joe’s condition, though Steve mentions his passing out to Clare. Clare tells Brandon to talk to Kelly, since she’s still using.

Instead of going out with Susan, Brandon heads to Colin’s, where Kelly’s scouring the place for drugs. (Turning on some lights might help. Or maybe they spent the money for their electricity bill on coke.) She tries to get him to leave, but he refuses, because it’s Brandon’s job to fix everyone and everything. He takes her for a drive while she insists she’s handling things. Also, they’re quitting. Kelly wants to go home to Colin, and when Brandon says he’s the problem, Kelly accuses him of not being able to deal with her being in a relationship with someone else.

Ginger goes on a shopping spree, charging her new clothes to the room Valerie got her. Valerie reminds her that she’s already given her money, as part of their agreement that Ginger stay out of Beverly Hills. Ginger starts talking about staying in town, moving in with Valerie, and stealing David. Old Valerie would have scratched her eyes out, but new Valerie just asks her to leave. Ginger agrees, if Val pays her $50,000.

Of course, Valerie balks, but Ginger threatens to play the gang a recording of her and Valerie talking about their scam. Val’s just tired of this whole thing and barely puts up a fight. Ginger tells her she wants what Val has – a nice life with nice friends. Valerie only tells her to rethink her plans and be out of the room by noon the next day.

Brandon stops at a payphone to tell Susan he’ll be late for their date. While his back’s turned, Kelly drives off in his car. Susan has Jonathan on her other line, and he tells her that he overheard Brandon talking about going to see Kelly. Susan decides to go to dinner with Jonathan instead. Ginger calls Valerie to announce her new terms: She’ll leave Beverly Hills as soon as she’s gotten a night with David.

Donna’s learned that Joe passed out after the flight and asks him to go see her father again. He agrees to, though he’s still insisting that he’s fine. She gets him to admit that he’s scared. Kelly goes to the beach apartment to get more of her things, telling Donna to tell Brandon that if he kidnaps her again, she’ll call the police. Donna wants Kelly to stay, but Kelly’s sick of having to answer to her friends for her behavior. She says she’s outgrown the apartment. Donna wonders if that means Kelly’s outgrown her, too.

Thoughts: Jonathan, re: a biplane flight: “It’s more fun with a bunch of guys.” Um…

Clare and Valerie both changed their hair. Thumbs down on both. Well, Clare’s cut looks okay, but she has streaks that just make me cringe.

Clare and Donna put tape over their bookcases and label them “not for sale,” and put signs on their doors that say “do not enter.” Smart, but I still don’t get why they don’t have the sale at the Walshes’. Why would you want a bunch of strangers in your apartment all day?

September 8, 2013

BH90210 6.19, Nancy’s Choice: Abortions for Some, Miniature American Flags for Others

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , at 2:24 pm by Jenn

I don't like that this makes Steve uncomfortable, but I do like that he's uncomfortable

I don’t like that this makes Steve uncomfortable, but I do like that he’s uncomfortable

Summary: A piece Susan wrote about a woman who has an abortion has been nominated for some award, and Brandon thinks she’s going to win. Jonathan is back in town for the award dinner, having been invited by the award committee as opposed to Susan, not that that makes Brandon any happier. (Whatever, Brandon – you hang out with your ex all the time.) Thanks to her new drug addiction, Kelly’s missed a bunch of classes, so her grades are in trouble. Clare wants to find a woman for her father and encourages him to find a date for the award dinner.

Susan asks Jonathan why he came back to Beverly Hills, as if she doesn’t know that it’s because he’s still in love with her. Brandon sees them together, so of course he’s ticked. Susan explains that Jonathan is pro-life and didn’t want her to write her abortion piece, “Nancy’s Choice.” He also thinks the story was an invasion of Nancy’s privacy. She admits that when Jonathan was the Condor editor, she had trouble trying to live up to his approval. Brandon thinks she still does.

Clare makes Steve go shopping with her, so he spends his time checking out other women. One of them happens to be Elle. Clare meets her, but Steve doesn’t tell her the details of their last encounter. Donna and Joe are planning a weekend trip to Santa Barbara, so I guess he didn’t die after running the steps in the last episode. Kelly apologizes to Donna for her recent behavior, complaining that everyone’s on her case. Donna doesn’t think she should be so annoyed at having people care about her.

At the Walshes’, Clare tells Brandon that she and Steve ran into Elle, admitting that she’s worried that Steve will ditch her for the other woman. Brandon laughs that she has nothing to worry about. He teases Steve, then tells Clare that there was a “misunderstanding.” Steve finally tells Clare the truth, but she thinks he’s lying. He decides not to tell her the truth ever again. Valerie goes to Colin’s to talk about a collector who wants his artwork, and also to lecture him about his drug use. Kelly tells Valerie to stop trying to take care of her boyfriend.

Kelly spends the night studying for a test, and in the morning, when Colin offers her some cocaine to help her wake up, she tells him she’s decided to stop using. Colin’s all, “Fine, more for me.” She asks him to stop as well. At the Condor, Brandon confronts Susan over bumping one of his articles. Of course, he takes it personally and retaliates by telling her he’s not going to the award dinner. Colin shows his work to the collector, telling Valerie that he’s done with the coke. She thinks he should keep developing his artistic talent because he could have a great career.

Chancellor Arnold arrives at the award dinner without a date, but there’s someone there who catches his interest: Elle. Steve reluctantly introduces them, and the chancellor invites Elle to join them for dinner. Clare thinks they’re cute together. Brandon mopes at the Peach Pit, wearing a suit even though he’s supposedly not going to the dinner. He doesn’t get why Jonathan’s in town for the dinner when the article Susan’s nominated for led to their breakup. Nat tells him to stop being a whiny baby and go to the dinner. Okay, maybe not that whiny baby part, but he was probably thinking it.

Clare thinks Steve’s jealous of Arnold because he gets to spend the evening with Elle. Brandon arrives and immediately realizes that he made the right decision to come, since he gets to see what happens with this pair. David and his completely lack of plot run into Kelly at the Peach Pit; she assures him that she’s done with drugs, so he doesn’t have to worry anymore. She swears that she only used as a response to her issues with her father. David notes that crying is a reasonable reaction to her situation, not using illegal substances. He doesn’t think her willpower will keep her sober for very long.

Colin’s art has sold for $10,000, which surprises him, since he only sold two pieces and they weren’t worth that much. He plans to use the money for more drugs. Good work, Val! At the award dinner, the women at the table get to discussing pregnancy, which Susan thinks sounds horrible but Elle thinks sounds nice. Arnold asks if Elle has ever been pregnant, and Steve and Brandon lean in for the answer, then smirk when she says she can’t have children. Brandon asks for Jonathan’s side of the story about his and Susan’s breakup, but before Jonathan can answer, Susan wins her category.

In her acceptance speech, she talks about how women who have abortions live with their decisions for the rest of their lives. She thinks her award honors both choice and courage. Colin makes dinner for Kelly to celebrate his sale; she’s mostly pleased that he’s not celebrating with cocaine. Steve sneaks into the women’s bathroom to tell Elle to leave before Arnold finds out that she’s transsexual. Clare eavesdrops as Steve tells Elle that he’s in love with Clare. Now he’s a great guy again, I guess.

After the dinner, Brandon encourages Susan to call Nancy and let her know about the award. Susan confesses that she’s Nancy. Brandon gets now that she and Jonathan really broke up because she had an abortion, not because of the story. Susan asks if knowing she had an abortion makes Brandon feel differently about her, but he assures her that it doesn’t. Jonathan breaks up the conversation, I guess wanting to lecture Susan again about having an abortion. She blasts him for being pro-choice until he was in a situation where he didn’t get to make a choice. He forgives her, kind of apologizes, and congratulates her on her award.

Arnold asks Elle out for a drink, and though she wants to accept, she remembers Steve’s pleas and begs off. Arnold isn’t that disappointed, since at least he got to spend the evening with a woman who was interested in him. Valerie worries about what Colin will end up doing with his money, and David tells her that Kelly might be able to get him to stop doing drugs. Susan tells Brandon that Jonathan forgave her, and then I fall asleep because they’re boring. At Colin’s, Kelly’s first day of sobriety ends with coke, so I guess her willpower is just as wimpy as David thought.

Thoughts: It’s funny to see Nicholas Pryor so sweet here when he was a jerk in the Party of Five episode I just watched yesterday.

If this episode aired today, LGBT groups would rip the show apart.

For once in his life, Brandon doesn’t have a judgmental lecture for someone. I’ll try to enjoy the one-episode break, because I’m sure it’ll last as long as Kelly’s sobriety.

August 31, 2013

BH90210 6.17, Fade In, Fade Out: In Case You Haven’t Noticed, Kelly Has Issues With Men

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 3:08 pm by Jenn

I think Nat was playing a squirrelly boxing coach

I think Nat was playing a squirrelly boxing coach

Summary: Steve is hosting a Roger Corman film festival for a class, but Nat keeps taking down the posters he puts up in the Peach Pit. He won’t explain why. Kelly tells Jackie that her father is coming to Beverly Hills, supposedly to stay. Jackie’s rightfully skeptical, reminding her daughter that Bill rarely follows through on his promises. Kelly points out that he came to her graduation. She also notes that Jackie hasn’t been the best parent either. When Bill gets to town, Kelly meets him at the airport, having not listened to any of Jackie’s warnings.

Joe’s having problems with his ankle, which sometimes swells up, and promises Donna that if it’s not better by the next day, he’ll see the team doctor. Steve invites Brandon, Clare, and Susan to a film screening that night; Corman’s studio has sent over another movie for the festival. Kelly and Clare run into each other in a CU bathroom, and Kelly finds the cocaine Valerie gave her and that she forgot she was carrying around. Clare encourages her to get rid of it.

Speaking of Colin, Valerie’s taking one of his art classes. He tells her he has everything under control, though he doesn’t say he’s not using drugs. Now he just wants to get Kelly back. Joe and Donna study at the beach apartment, and he decides that his ankle’s bad enough to require a doctor’s visit. At the Walshes’, Steve shows Unholy Rollers, and Brandon recognizes the name of one of the actors, Nat Benson. It was Nat’s stage name when he acted in the late ’70s. Indeed, Nat’s in the movie, and Steve celebrates because he can bring another celebrity to the film festival.

Kelly tries to get Bill to talk about his failed relationship with Jackie, telling him how hard it was for her to grow up with a mother who was addicted to drugs. She always wanted him to come rescue her. He wants to have dinner with his ex-wife, which I’m sure will be a lovely, not-at-all-awkward affair. David questions Valerie on Colin’s drug habit, and she tells him that he’s supposedly clean. They talk about Kelly’s taste in boyfriends and Bill’s visit. Valerie notes that Kelly’s always drawn to unreliable guys.

Kelly takes Bill to the beach apartment, where Donna tells her that Colin’s called for her a bunch of times. Bill asks who he is, and Kelly says he’s a guy who broke one too many promises. Bill encourages her to give Colin another chance – after all, she’s giving him one. Jonathan calls the Condor looking for Susan but gets Brandon instead. He leaves the message that he’s coming back to town soon and wants to see Susan again. Of course, Brandon doesn’t pass the information on to Susan.

Steve and Clare try to convince Nat to make an appearance at the film festival, noting that he could even revive his old acting career. Nat refuses. At CU, David warns Kelly about believing Bill’s promises. Kelly thinks Bill’s really moving to town since they’re going to find him a house. Joe sees the team doctor, who notices an irregularity in his heartbeat and advises him to see a cardiologist. But he totally shouldn’t worry, because a problem with his heart is probably nothing important. The heart is just one of those organs you can live without, you know?

Kelly and Bill go house-hunting and find a place Bill likes. Brandon confesses his message-delivery sins to Valerie, who tells him to write a note to Susan and pretend he left it after Jonathan called. Bill wants Kelly to stop by Colin’s for a visit, so they got to the loft, where Colin is definitely not sober. Kelly immediately notices and hurries her dad out. Jonathan calls Susan again, this time giving her his travel plans himself, and letting her know that Brandon took a message from him. He uses Valerie’s trick to get himself out of trouble.

Joe withholds his possible heart trouble from Donna, then asks if a friend of his can get an appointment with her father, the cardiologist. Steve tries again to get Nat to come to the film festival, but Nat continues to turn him down. Steve figures out that something happened with a woman. That night, Steve hosts the festival at the After Dark, complete with an appearance from Corman himself. Unholy Rollers is the first movie screened, and Brandon points out Nat to the gang.

A woman approaches Steve to ask if Nat’s going to come to the festival. She tells him the last time she saw Nat was while he was making Unholy Rollers. Steve’s shocked to hear that the woman, Joan Diamond, was once engaged to Nat. He takes her next door to reunite the former lovebirds, who immediately start catching up. Nat’s sadder about giving up his acting career than he let on earlier (he had to leave to take over the diner for his father), but he’s happy to be back in touch with Joan.

Kelly has dinner with her parents, who get along better than expected. Meanwhile, Colin shows up at the After Dark and demands the cocaine Valerie took from him. She tells him she gave it to Kelly. At the beach apartment, Kelly tells Donna that she thinks her father has finally become a grown-up. Joe secretly goes to his appointment with Dr. Martin while Valerie calls Colin to remind him that he’s supposed to be teaching right now. He tells her he was up all night painting. (Silly Colin. You can’t paint with cocaine.)

In case we haven’t gotten the parallel between Bill and Colin, Bill fails to show up for his meeting with Kelly and his real estate agent. Joe admits to Donna that he went to see her father, who confirmed that he has a congenital heart defect. He may not be able to keep playing football. The team doctor and coach want him to get a second opinion, and Donna offers to go with him to the next appointment. Kelly tries to call her father, but he’s checked out of his hotel. Nat’s very happy after his reunion with Joan, so I guess Steve and Clare get free meals or something.

Brandon tries to get Susan to take a trip with him the weekend Jonathan’s supposed to visit, but she knows what he’s up to. Joe’s second opinion is that he’s fine, and there’s no reason for him not to play football. He tells Donna that her father was wrong, but she’s not convinced that he was the one who made a mistake. Kelly goes to the airport but is too late – Bill’s already left town. Back at home, she gets a note telling her he had to go jump on a business deal. He leaves her a check, which she rolls up and uses to snort Colin’s cocaine, because that’s totally in character for her.

Thoughts: This is a different Bill from the one who came to graduation. This one is played by soap actor John Reilly, which means that when he’s gone, I can pretend he’s off on spy missions.

Joe E. Tata was, indeed, in Unholy Rollers. I’m sure he appreciated the show digging up old film footage of him.

Among other addictions, Colin has picked up Brandon’s gum-chomping habit from a few seasons ago.

In case you’re keeping track, Jackie and Mel are living together again.

August 25, 2013

BH90210 6.16, Turn Back the Clock: The Bird Is the Word

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , at 2:56 pm by Jenn

Heh. Still funny

Heh. Still funny

Summary: Brandon and Steve get rid of their Christmas tree (well, really, they just chuck it into the yard) as Clare returns from spending New Year’s away. She notices that Steve has a black eye and asks for the story behind it. Brandon and Steve tell the story: They went to the After Dark on New Year’s Eve, and Brandon saw Susan kissing her ex, Jonathan. Clare needs more details, so the guys back up to the morning of New Year’s Day.

Steve’s teenage brothers, Ryan and Austin, are staying with him and Brandon for the weekend, and pretend not to know anything about the toilet paper all over the yard. Steve gives them an hour to clean it all up. Susan calls to let Brandon know that Jonathan’s in town on a layover (a long layover, considering he’s spending the night). Susan wants to take him to a party at Colin’s, which Brandon wasn’t interested in going to until he hears Jonathan’s going. Valerie’s excited to have a boyfriend on New Year’s Eve for the first time.

In the present, Valerie joins Clare and the storytellers and mentions that Donna called. Steve tells Clare that the parrot escaped and Clare’s being blamed. The story turns to Steve and Clare at the beach apartment before she left for San Diego. Joe’s fixing the bird’s cage door until they can get a new one. Clare asks them to shut the bird up, but they just laugh her off. Joe tells her that the cage latch is broken, so she shouldn’t open it. Clare sarcastically says that it would be a shame if the bird flew away.

David arrives in the present and hijacks the story to tell Clare about Colin’s New Year’s Eve party. At the party, David’s worried that Valerie’s going to do drugs with Colin’s junkie friends. They bicker but make up and plan to meet up at the After Dark later. Susan tries to find a date for Jonathan, who’s joining them for a Corrs concert that night. (Remember the Corrs?) Colin gives Valerie some cocaine to hold onto so Kelly doesn’t find it on him. Kelly sees them talking and is immediately mad. She’s also not very subtle about frisking Colin, supposedly for romantic purposes.

Present-day Clare reminds everyone that she just wants to know how Steve got his black eye. Steve tells her about the Corrs concert so we can kill a couple minutes. Austin and Ryan try to get into the After Dark for the concert, but Steve hasn’t put them on the guest list. When the guy at the door goes to check with Steve, of course the kids just sneak in. Jonathan joins Brandon and Susan and does the smartest thing Brandon’s girlfriend’s ex could ever do: He compliments Brandon’s Condor articles.

Valerie’s proud of the great turnout at the After Dark, but she’s distracted because David hasn’t arrived. That’s because he’s up in a tree, trying to help Donna get her parrot. The bird was out of her cage when Donna got back from Colin’s. Clare wants to jump to the end of the story and find out if they got the bird back. Instead, the story returns to Ryan and Austin at the After Dark. Steve sees them and learns that Nat let them in; the doorman asked if Steve’s brothers could come in, and Nat thought he meant frat brothers. Steve asks Kelly to collect them.

Colin goes to Valerie to get his drugs back, saying he can’t wait until she leaves after midnight. Valerie reluctantly hands them over. Steve and Kelly wrangle Austin and Ryan and eject them. Alone with Brandon, Jonathan announces that he still loves Susan and wants her back. Brandon wonders why he dumped Susan in the first place. Jonathan says she dumped him but won’t tell him why. He considers Brandon “irrelevant” (hey, me, too!) and is sure he’ll get his girlfriend back. Brandon’s so desperate to keep Susan away from Jonathan that he agrees to go dance.

Joe arrives at the beach apartment and takes over the bird rescue so David can go meet up with Valerie. He tries to call her, but she doesn’t pick up. That means Valerie has to spend another midnight on New Year’s Eve without a boyfriend. Jonathan watches sadly as Brandon and Susan make out. Kelly kisses Colin, then goes home to sleep since she has to get up early for the Tournament of Roses Parade. Jonathan decides to leave, too, but when he kisses Susan goodbye, he tries to turn it into a makeout session. Brandon chases him off, but Susan feels bad.

Back in the present, Steve laments missing that drama. He reveals that at midnight, he was in Valerie’s office, having phone sex with Clare. Brandon hasn’t talked to Susan since the party, and he thinks she should be the one to contact him first. Ryan and Austin are still around and let Valerie know that she looked hot at the party. Steve warns them that he’s going to tell Rush everything they did when he gets back. Valerie doesn’t think they deserve punishment, and Clare doesn’t get what they did that was so wrong. That’s because there’s more to the story, of course.

Steve leaves the After Dark party to find shaving cream all over his car. When he tries to go back into the club, he runs into a guy leaving with a mic stand and hits his eye. Valerie finds Colin high and drives him home. Nat makes his concerned face. Steve starts to hose off his car as David finally arrives, having been stopped at a sobriety checkpoint. That’s also where Valerie and Colin get stopped; fortunately, he’s already used all his cocaine, so they don’t get in any trouble. Or at least that’s what he tells Valerie after stashing his drugs in the ashtray.

Valerie tells Clare that she just took Colin home and went right back to the After Dark, but David’s skeptical. Kelly and Donna join the group, and Clare promises that she had nothing to do with the bird escaping. Joe retrieved her, so it’s all good, and Donna’s decided to give her to an aviary, so it’s all even better for Clare. But the bird’s escape leads to a fight between Joe and Donna, since she cares more about getting ready for the parade than she does about a bird he spent so long training. Also, he calls it “our bird,” which is kind of weird. Donna tells him not to come to Pasadena for the parade.

On the morning of New Year’s Day, Kelly goes to Colin’s loft to get him for the parade. She’s upset when she learns that he got high after she left the party, and now he doesn’t feel well enough to go. She refuses to take care of him since she spent so long taking care of Jackie. Colin says he’ll come to Pasadena after all, but Brandon skips the parade to look for Susan. He finds her and Jonathan at the Condor office and thinks they spent the night together. Jonathan apologizes for whatever he might have done the previous night to make Brandon mad, as if he doesn’t know. Susan doesn’t feel like fighting with Brandon right now.

Brandon turns on the TV to watch the parade, which Kelly, Steve, David, and Valerie have front-row seats for. Kelly blames Valerie for Colin’s state, even though she claims she would never touch cocaine. She gives Kelly the rest of Colin’s stash from the night before. Now Kelly can use it to confront Colin and see if he denies that it’s his. The Rose Court float goes by with Donna and the other girls looking like Disney princesses. Joe’s stuck in the back row, having arrived late, but he gets Donna’s attention and holds up a sign that says “Joe loves Donna” and “damn bird.”

In the present, Rush calls to talk to Steve, who plans to tell his father everything Ryan and Austin did all weekend. The boys beg Steve to keep quiet since their father only ever tells them how they’ve screwed up. Of course, Steve can relate, so he tells Rush the guys have been great and Steve wants them to stay longer. Then he makes his brothers rake and mow the yard. The gang laughs because the boys don’t know that the house has a gardener.

Susan shows up and tells Brandon that she made it clear to Jonathan that she wants Brandon. Brandon wonders why Jonathan has such a hold over her. But it doesn’t matter, since he’s decided not to ruin the good thing he has. Clare is all, “Yay, everyone got a happy ending!” Um, except Kelly, whose boyfriend is still a coke addict, but okay, Clare.

Thoughts: Ryan is played by Randy Spelling, as in Tori’s brother.

This episode is like a horrible version of How I Met Your Mother. Except instead of wanting to know who the mother is, Clare wants to know why Steve has a shiner. Not quite as compelling.

Colin has a payphone in his loft. The better to make calls to his dealer, I guess.

Heh, the parrot is still saying, “Damn bird.” I might actually miss it.