December 8, 2015
SVU #47, You’re Not My Sister: Elizabeth Has No Time for Your Psychological Breakdown
At no time in this book is Jessica ever this put-together
Summary: Liz has FINALLY filled her parents in on Jessica’s condition, and they’ve taken her home to get her some help. Ned, Alice, and Steven wonder why Elizabeth didn’t notice sooner that Jess was such a wreck. Instead of admitting that she did notice, and just tried a bunch of ineffective things to snap her out of it, Elizabeth whines that she has a life and can’t be with her twin 24 hours a day. Never mind that she WAS with Jessica 24 hours a day, or that everything Elizabeth was doing that wasn’t about Jess was dumb. Liz has a hissy fit and goes back to school.
Jessica sees someone outside her window and thinks it’s her guardian angel. She spends most of the book on this topic, making people think she’s either seeing things or that she has a stalker. Steven actually has a smart idea, wanting to call the police, an especially good move since we know Nick was killed by a guy with some pretty dangerous connections, and it would be reasonable to fear that they would come after Jessica, too. Also, we know she’s being watched, since we keep getting sections from her stalkers point of view. He’s trying to find a moment when he can get her alone.
When Elizabeth gets back to school, she goes to see Mike, because why should Jessica’s mental health be more important than Liz’s barely-first-base action? They make out a little, but Liz balks at going any further. Partly it’s because Mike slept with her sister, which is, admittedly, weird. But she’d still rather hang out with Mike than answer any of Jessica’s messages.
Ned and Alice’s big solution for Jessica’s problems is to bring over a psychiatrist and give Jess the sedatives he prescribes. Amazingly, Jess doesn’t get better! She gets a little crazier every day, mainly because Elizabeth won’t talk to her. Jess worries that something bad happened to her like it happened to Nick.
Liz is sent to L.A. to cover a story about an extreme-sports TV network, which is hosting some sort of competition. (This will come up in the next book.) Mike tracks her down there and they come very, very close to hooking up. Elizabeth wants to, since everyone sees her as a prude, and she wants to prove that she can have a purely physical relationship. Yes, Liz, this is a perfectly mature response to people being mean to you. Elizabeth panics over buying condoms and realizes she’s not ready for sex. Especially sex with her sister’s ex-husband.
Back in Sweet Valley, Jessica is worse than ever – she thought Elizabeth was coming for a family dinner, but Liz doesn’t show up. Jess tries to call her at her hotel, but Mike has asked the receptionist not to put through any calls. This just makes Jess even more worried that something bad has happened to her twin. She sees her guardian angel again, but now her family thinks the sedatives are making her hallucinate. So…maybe have her stop taking them? No? You’re not going to do that? Okay.
The guardian angel leaves Elizabeth a note letting her know that Jessica needs her. Thanks for your help, angel! This sends Liz back home, where the sisters make up. Then Jess gets really clingy, which is unsettling. She tells Elizabeth all about her angel, leading Liz to tell her she needs to get over Nick’s death already. Thanks for helping, Liz! She continues that she has a life and can’t waste her time dealing with Jessica’s stupid problems, like depression and possible psychosis because her boyfriend was murdered. I mean, Jess is such a drama queen, right? Like, move on already!
Somehow, Jessica doesn’t punch her sister in the face. Instead, she says Elizabeth is right, and she appreciates what Liz has done for her. You mean how she abandoned you? I know, that was great of her, right? I think this is all supposed to seem like Elizabeth was using tough love on her sister, but it’s more like she’s selfish and didn’t want to have to deal with Jess, so she ignored her until Jess came to her senses.
Then Elizabeth starts to do something useful: She wants to get Jess’ expulsion from SVU revoked. She and Nina (who has temporarily moved into the twins’ dorm room because Liz is lonely, and because Nina needs something to do) decide to use the angle that Jess is suffering from a mental-health disorder and should be protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. The school should have noticed that something was wrong and done more to help her. Never mind that ELIZABETH didn’t do more to help Jess. Also, they didn’t give her a fair expulsion hearing, which is the only part of this I will go along with.
Liz and Tom once did a story about the ADA, so she goes to him to get their notes. While they’re working together, and actually getting along again, Lila calls (more on that later). Elizabeth thinks Tom is getting ready for a super-special date with a super-special lady, which sets off her poor-me-I’m-so-neglected siren. You broke up, Liz. You were two seconds from having sex with Mike. Chill out.
Armed with what must be pretty flimsy information on the ADA, Elizabeth and Steven come up with a plan. She approaches the dean and threatens to sue the school if Jessica’s situation isn’t reviewed. There’s no resolution in this book, but I think we can all expect Jess to be reinstated at SVU, though hopefully they’ll have her go through an extensive psychological evaluation first.
Meanwhile, Jessica decides that her sedatives are messing with her head, so she stops taking them. Then she decides that since she stopped seeing the angel when she quit the pills, there must be a connection, so she starts taking them again. Then she decides to just take a bunch and take care of the whole situation altogether. She leaves Elizabeth a goodbye message and then starts having weird dreams or visions or something. Elizabeth gets the message and heads back to Sweet Valley.
The angel finds Jessica outside the house, and Jess finally realizes it’s Nick. Yes, friends, Nick faked his death to save his own life, but didn’t tell Jessica because he knew she’d never let him go, and the truth would put her in danger. Somehow this is better for her? Whatever, Nick. He tells her he’s okay, and that he’ll always love her. Fortunately, Elizabeth finds Jessica before the pills kill her, and I assume she’s okay even after overdosing on sedatives. At least now she knows her dead boyfriend isn’t really dead. Hooray, she’s cured!
Danny’s having a really tough time with Isabella gone. He’s getting drunk every night to try to forget her, but it still doesn’t take his mind off of the fact that he might never see her again. Tom thinks he would feel better if he were allowed to talk to Isabella, so he sets out to find out which clinic her parents took her to. He makes some calls, but can’t get any answers, not least because he doesn’t speak German or French. Finally he realizes that Lila might know where Isabella is. But Lila won’t give up the information without a catch: Tom has to come on a double date with her, Bruce, and a prospective student named Chloe Murphy.
Tom reluctantly goes on the date, thinking Chloe will be just like Lila. But Chloe’s not like other girls! She reads the New York Times! She’s interested in things other than clothes and country clubs! Tom really hopes she decides to come to SVU when she finishes high school. Keep it in your pants, Tom.
As for Danny, he calls the clinic, but Isabella’s father won’t let her talk to him, even when Isabella says she wants to. Mr. Ricci thinks everyone at SVU is on drugs, and that Danny’s a bad influence on his daughter. Danny wishes he’d never made the call in the first place. He goes back to drinking, and is offered drugs by a guy at a bar. Even though drugs are what took Isabella away from him in the first place, he contemplates taking some.
Dana starts out the book thinking that she wants to take things slowly with Todd. That doesn’t last long. After a run-in with Elizabeth, who tells Todd that Dana’s a bad choice in girlfriends, Dana throws out her plans, and she and Todd start going at it like bunnies. Then she starts talking about marriage and makes him panic. Oops!
Thoughts: For the record, Prince Albert is still alive.
“It’s macho jerks like Patman who make it harder for the rest of us.” Tom, sweetie, you’re a macho jerk, too.
“That way we can get on with our relationship, and you can get on with being lonely and bitter…or whatever it is you do when you and Tom Watts aren’t busy with your tedious little on-again, off-again love-hate drama.” I have newfound respect for Dana.
Chloe’s taking a feminist-law class, which means she really shouldn’t spend any more time with Tom.
September 29, 2015
SVU #44, Love Me Always: Jessica’s Status as a Black Widow Is Solidified
One of the worst covers of the series
Summary: Clay’s trial for killing Officer Riviera is approaching, and Jessica is reluctantly staying away from Nick, who’s hiding out in case Clay wants to have him offed. Jessica’s been ordered to stay away from the trial, and I think it’s really cute that Nick believes she’ll listen to him. She shows up at the courthouse in disguise, pretending to be an old woman. Nick, however, is a trained detective, not to mention her boyfriend, so the disguise doesn’t fool him.
Jessica’s barely able to keep her mouth shut during the trial, since Nick’s testimony doesn’t go well. This is doubly depressing for Nick, since he goes through with his plan to commit perjury, lying that he (not Jessica) heard Clay admitting to killing Riviera. With things looking bleak for the police, Nick convinces the prosecutor to offer Clay a deal if he turns on the head of the mob organization he works for. This almost succeeds, until Clay hears Nick sneeze behind a two-way mirror and refuses to cooperate in anything he’s involved in. I don’t know how Clay knew it was Nick, but whatever. Also, he threatens to kill Nick.
Jessica tries to find out where Nick’s hiding out, so she can visit him. The police chief tells her a story about how he and his then-girlfriend were separated because they witnessed a crime, and it was super-difficult and blah blah blah, I thought it would end with the girlfriend being murdered, and a lesson for Jess that you don’t mess around when it comes to dangerous situations. But the chief and his girlfriend are now married and have been happy for decades, so I guess the lesson is that Jessica should get what she wants because what’s better than two people in love, even if they’d be risking their lives to see each other?
The police chief has Jessica followed so someone can slip her the address of the safehouse where Nick’s been hiding out. Jessica thinks she’s being followed by a hitman sent by Clay. It’s really dumb. Nick and Jessica are allowed to spend some time together, and she decides she can’t live without him, so they should get married, and then she can go with him into witness protection. Nick’s like, “But your codependence with your twin!” Jess is willing to leave Liz forever if it means she gets to stay with Nick. He doesn’t really respond, just telling her not to come to court when the verdict’s read.
Of course, Jessica doesn’t listen. This time she disguises herself as an old man. I kind of wish she’d resurrected Perdita del Mar for this. The chief tells Nick, in so many words, that he needs to break up with Jessica so she won’t want to come with him to witness protection. Jessica gets kicked out of the courtroom, but Nick manages to sneak away for one last makeout session. Then he’s dragged back to the courtroom, just like in a nightmare Jessica had, and she freaks out about never seeing him again.
She’s right to freak out: The verdict is read and Clay is sent to prison, but a masked gunman appears and shoots Clay. Jessica is back on campus at this point, so she and Elizabeth rush to the courthouse. Unfortunately, it’s too late: Nick’s dead. Now I’m sad. I liked him, and Jessica’s going to be devastated. Plus, this is, like, her fifth boyfriend who’s died. You suck, ghostwriter.
Hey, remember Todd? He still exists. Elizabeth runs into him and they chat about nothing for a little while before he heads to a session with a school therapist. Finally, someone in this town is getting well-needed counseling! Todd is still struggling with Gin-Yung’s death. He’s not as interested in basketball anymore, so his counselor advises him to find a new activity. How about music? When Todd heads to the music building to see what’s available for him to try out, he sees Dana. He thinks she’s hot. We don’t care, Todd.
The writers have suddenly decided that Dana needs our sympathy, so they let us know that all her friends hate her (because she ditched them when she was dating Tom). Also, she’s struggling with cello lessons, and everyone thinks she’s a jerk because she kept Tom and Elizabeth apart. Apparently everyone at SVU ships Tom and Elizabeth. Ugh.
At least one person has sympathy for Dana: Elizabeth. She tries to chat with her, but things go south when she brings up Tom. Liz gushes about how Tom is such a great guy for not just wanting to have sex with girls – he wants real relationships with them. Dana’s confused, so Elizabeth tells her that Tom said they never slept together. Dana gets offended, because why would a guy she was completely in love with deny having sex with her? She makes it clear that they humped like bunnies.
Elizabeth is humiliated that Tom lied to her. Now she can never trust another guy! Wow, Liz. She feels like he betrayed her. Not to go all Ross Geller on anyone, but they were on a break. But Elizabeth never let a little thing like facts get in the way of indignation, so she dumps Tom. Buddy, she probably did you a favor. But don’t think this means Elizabeth’s going to run back to Todd – after she bombs a recital and risks her scholarship, Dana runs into Todd, who asks her to get coffee. Todd, no! This is a bad idea!
Danny spends the whole book feeling horrible for the way he treated Isabella, and worrying that he’ll never get to talk to her again. Her parents consider moving her to Switzerland, but Mrs. Ricci decides that she should stay in Sweet Valley so Danny can visit her. Danny makes it his mission to bring Isabella out of her coma, so he plays her favorite Elvis songs and sprays her favorite perfume in her room. It’s actually kind of sweet. And somehow, it works! Except Isabella has total amnesia and can’t remember who Danny or anyone else is! GASP!
Denise is still furious with Winston for kissing visiting prep-schooler Brenda, though Winston maintains that she kissed him and he didn’t reciprocate. He’s desperate to make things up to Denise, so he goes to Bruce for advice. Yeah, read that sentence again. I wonder why this plan doesn’t work? Bruce tells Winston that Lila always responds to expensive jewelry, so Winston should win Denise back with something shiny. Winston gives this a try, not realizing that the ivory figuring he bought her was made possible by the death of an elephant. Wow, romantic.
Winston gets some advice from some random girl in his dorm, who tells him to think about Denise specifically, not women in general. He needs to do something to remind her why she fell in love with him in the first place. Winston’s brain interprets this as “buy her a cheeseburger and use that as a metaphor.” Denise finds this ridiculous, but when she sees how sad her reaction makes him, she feels bad. She decides to drag out her anger a little longer, but eventually forgives him after he serenades her with “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” It’s a kind of funny moment where all the girls in the dorm hear him singing outside Denise’s window and chant for her to take him back. So at least one couple in Sweet Valley is happy.
Thoughts: Brenda is described as a “brunette ringer for Jessica.” Does that mean there’s yet another Wakefield lookalike in Sweet Valley?
Nina (who has one unremarkable scene in the book) eats cottage cheese on toast. Is that a thing?
Isabella studied aikido. Sure, she did.
Why have Winston get relationship advice from someone we’ve never met before? Why not, say, Nina?
Elizabeth goes to the movies in a “short gold summer dress.” Wrong twin, ghostwriter.
“I mean, what does my sex life have to do with you, Elizabeth?” This might be the first thing Dana’s ever said that I agree with.
September 15, 2015
SVU #43, The Price of Love: Nick of Time
What…what is happening here? Is this supposed to be Nick? There’s no way that’s Nick
Summary: The book starts just where the last one ended, with Jessica and an unconscious Nick in the house where he tried to sting Clay. Nick regains consciousness, and Jessica tells him some of the things Clay said while he was out – namely, that he killed another cop, Riviera. Nick swears her to secrecy, deciding that he’ll pretend he heard the confession so Jess doesn’t have to testify and get involved in the whole mess. Unfortunately, until then, Nick and Jess will have to pretend they’ve broken up.
Jessica decides to make the fake split look more realistic by flirting with Clay. This seems like a foolproof plan. Lila thinks Jessica’s insane, considering what Clay did to Isabella. She tells Nick about Jess and Clay’s possible new relationship, which makes Nick go all Todd on Clay. Nick then covers up his jealousy by screaming at Jessica – in public – that she’s a slut for hooking up with another guy so soon after their breakup.
This doesn’t convince Clay of anything, or if it does, it doesn’t really matter. After all, Clay almost killed Nick, and with Nick…you know, not dead, Clay has a problem on his hands. He tries to have Nick kidnapped off the street, but Nick manages to get the attention of some nearby cops. Clay gets away, but Nick passes along the information that he killed Riviera, so the police are now on the lookout.
Since Jessica is a potential target, Nick enlists a young cop named Graham to be her bodyguard while posing as her new boyfriend. Jessica objects, even when Graham turns out to be cute. She’s pretty awful to him, making it clear that Nick is much more awesome than he is. I don’t think Graham really cares. Graham is a pushover, actually; he helps Nick and Jessica get together for a date when they’re not supposed to see each other. Thanks, Graham.
Despite the fact that Nick is staying in a hotel and using a “light disguise,” Clay is able to track him down. He brings along Nelson “The Nose” Karl, the head of the whole Sweet Valley drug empire. I’m curious whether he’s called “The Nose” because he has a large one or because he does a lot of cocaine. Nick escapes and leads Clay and Karl straight to where a bunch of cops are waiting for them. They’re not the smartest criminals, are they? Also, there’s an appearance by a helicopter, which supposedly takes the criminals by surprise, because bad books and movies always forget that helicopters are loud and can’t exactly sneak up on people.
So this means things get to go back to normal for Nick and Jessica, right? Wrong. There isn’t enough evidence to put Clay away without Nick having to testify, and Nick can’t be protected even after Clay’s in prison. He’s decided he needs to enter witness protection. Jessica wants to go with him, but Nick refuses to make her leave her life. They won’t be able to see each other ever again. There’s a super-dramatic scene where they say goodbye to each other. I would be more interested if I didn’t know what happens in the next book.
Elizabeth and Tom spend the entire book not talking about whether he slept with Dana. Elizabeth is freaking out about the idea but won’t bring it up. Tom notices that Elizabeth is upset about something but can’t get her to tell him what it is. This goes on FOREVER. Elizabeth finally asks the question…and Tom lies. Freaking A, Tom. I can’t take this plot anymore.
Winston gets a ridiculous plot involving a bunch of prep-school girls who visit SVU. They’re all in love with him (though I think it’s mostly because they go to an all-girls’ school and are so desperate for any kind of male interaction that they’d take anything). The girls act like rowdy six-year-olds. They have an actual food fight. And one of them, Brenda, kisses Winston while Denise is watching. This plot is exhausting.
Danny should have the most interesting storyline in the book, what with Isabella still being unconscious in the hospital, but it goes nowhere. Remember how Danny was accused of stealing a test he accidentally picked up? He’s supposed to meet with the professor about the incident and whatever kind of punishment he faces for it, but instead, she realizes that he didn’t do anything wrong. The professor’s suddenly so nice to Danny that I was sure she was going to try to seduce him and kick off a completely different plot. But no, she just lets the whole thing go. And then Danny realizes that he’s not mad at Isabella after all, and he wants her back. She’ll have to wake up first, of course.
Thoughts: The girls on Winston’s hall only get a few hours’ notice that they’re all expected to house overnight guests. I would walk out and spend the weekend somewhere else.
Winston tells the prep-school girls that he has a degree in sexual chemistry. First of all, that’s so weak. Second of all, THEY’RE UNDERAGE, EGBERT.
Jessica wears black velvet jeans. Why do I feel like Lila tricked her into buying those, making her think they were fashionable?
September 1, 2015
SVU #42, Sneaking In: Men Behaving Badly
No way is this what Nick is supposed to look like
Summary: If you remember way back to Good-bye, Elizabeth, Liz has just decided to stay in Sweet Valley instead of following Scott to Denver. She and Tom are now back together. Also, Jessica and Nick are still dating but having some trouble because he doesn’t want to be a cop anymore. Jess thinks he’s boring now that he wants to go to college and become a lawyer. So when Jess meets bad boy Clay DiPalma, she’s more than a little interested.
Isabella also meets Clay, though she’s not interested in him romantically. He flirts with her while she’s helping out with a Theta fundraiser, even after she tells him she has a boyfriend. Said boyfriend, by the way, has suddenly become a huge jerk. He sees Isabella and Clay together and Hulks out, basically accusing her of cheating on him. They make up, because Isabella has more patience than I do, but fight again when Isabella asks Danny to go to a frat party that all the Thetas have to attend. He only agrees to go so he can make sure she doesn’t hook up with any other guys.
Clay also flirts with Jessica, who, unlike Isabella, doesn’t mention that she has a boyfriend. Nick catches them talking and also Hulks out, punching Clay in the face. Now Jessica’s interest in Nick is rekindled – who wouldn’t want to be with a tough guy who punches other men? This is all very Jess/Rory/Dean, only without Nick dropping Jessica at the tail end of a dance marathon.
Clay shows up at the frat party, and since Danny’s being a drag, Isabella’s now interested. Nick tells her and Jessica that Clay is clearly bad news, which just makes Isabella want to get to know him more. She starts dancing with a bunch of guys, so Danny tries to get her to leave, because clearly this kind of behavior means she’s a slut. When Isabella refuses to go, Danny storms off. Isabella starts drinking, then smokes a cigarette with Clay, even though she doesn’t smoke.
This is where things go pear-shaped. Clearly there’s something in the cigarette other than tobacco, because Isabella starts hallucinating. She thinks monsters are after her, so she runs upstairs and jumps off a balcony. This is probably the best anti-drug PSA any Sweet Valley book has ever presented. Jessica and Lila find Isabella unconscious on the lawn and are understandably panicked. They tell Nick that they saw her with Clay, who has since disappeared, and Nick figures out that Clay must have put drugs in the cigarette. Tests confirm that the cigarette was laced with PCP.
Isabella spends the rest of the book unconscious, in danger of slipping into a coma. Danny’s upset, of course – but with Isabella herself, not just with the situation. If she hadn’t been whoring it up and smoking, everything would be fine. At one point he literally says that she got what she deserved. If what she deserved was the realization that she shouldn’t be with a jealous, possessive jerk, then yes, she got what she deserved.
Isabella’s condition starts affecting Danny’s grades, because he’s still doing schoolwork even though his girlfriend is at death’s door. His biochemistry professor is especially unsympathetic. Danny accidentally takes a copy of a big exam coming up, but returns it to her without looking at it, even though it could save his grade. The professor accuses him of stealing the test and threatens to fail him. Danny’s like, “Another thing Isabella screwed up for me.” Hey, Danny? Shut up.
Other people involved in this storyline are focusing less on Isabella’s behavior and more on bringing Clay to justice. Even though he’s technically off the police force, Nick decides to do some investigating on his own. He ties Clay to a big-time drug dealer responsible for all the drugs in Sweet Valley. Jessica pressures him into trying to take down Clay by himself, since the cops at the SVPD aren’t qualified. Shh, Jess. I mean, she’s not wrong, but this is still a bad idea.
Jessica proves to be a pretty good investigator herself, calling a friend who tells her where Clay bought a motorcycle he was talking about at the party. Through the motorcycle shop, Nick gets Clay’s phone number and pretends he wants to buy drugs. To no one’s surprise, Jessica wants to come along on the sting. Also to no one’s surprise, Nick is unable to convince her to stay away, so the two of them head to a run-down house to meet Clay.
Nick goes inside while Jessica listens at a window. Clay, who happens to be high, knows that Nick is a cop. He knocks Nick out, then decides to shoot him. Then he changes his mind and just leaves while Nick goes in and out of consciousness. I guess this is supposed to be a cliffhanger ending?
In other news, Elizabeth and Tom are super-happy to be back together, especially with Scott halfway across the country. Scott keeps trying to contact Liz, though, telling her how great things are in Denver and how she should regret not coming with him. But it turns out that Scott has been expelled from the DCIR for plagiarism, fabricating sources, and altering his transcript. Awesome. Elizabeth is very relieved that she stayed in Sweet Valley.
But there’s trouble in paradise. Tom has a deep, dark secret that makes him feel guilty through the whole book. At the end of the book, Elizabeth learns what it is. She finds a half-empty box of condoms in Tom’s room and realizes that he and Dana must have had sex. Oh, no! Two consenting adults with romantic feelings for each other had protected sex! It’s a scandal!
Thoughts: The title Sneaking In makes no sense. No one sneaks in anywhere.
This book is supposed to take place just a couple weeks after Good-bye, Elizabeth. Does that mean the last five books never happened? Then why did I have to read them?
“I’m used to Danny’s insane jealousy.” Sounds like a healthy relationship to me! Also, since when is Danny insanely jealous? He always seemed pretty normal to me.
Going to a drug deal with only Jessica as backup puts Nick in the running for dumbest cop ever. Which explains why he worked for the SVPD.
I assume Tom wasn’t a virgin before he and Elizabeth started dating, so what does it matter if he slept with Dana? He didn’t cheat on Liz. Why does she care?
June 9, 2015
SVU #38, Good-bye, Elizabeth: We Gotta Get Out of This Place
I’m really getting tired of the generic covers that don’t show anything that actually happened in the book
Summary: It’s the morning after Elizabeth’s disastrous goodbye party, and Tom is thinking about how he finally got to make out with her again…or so he thought. After a few minutes of kissing, he realized that he was with the wrong twin. By the time he’d figured it out, Elizabeth had left. Jessica, for her part, tells Nick that Tom kissed her. Nick buys it and never bothers to mention it to Tom, so it’s just another lie Jess gets away with.
Scott is ridiculously pleased that he’s about to get what he wants – namely, his obsession with him in Denver, away from Tom. He finds Dana, butters her up, and reminds her that they have the same goal: Keeping Tom and Elizabeth apart. He warns her not to let Tom and Liz be alone together or Liz might change her mind about Denver.
Dana becomes a stereotypical crazed girlfriend, obsessed with keeping Tom and Elizabeth apart. Tom isn’t amused. She cries, pretending to be upset because he kissed “Elizabeth” at the party, then kisses him, making sure Liz sees. Tom is pretty much done with Dana but doesn’t actually tell her that, which I don’t get. Maybe Tom is an any-port-in-a-story kind of guy.
Jessica tells Elizabeth that she pulled a twin switch and learned that Tom still loves Elizabeth. Liz is mad that she meddled. She’s still going to Denver, even though Jess begs her to stay. Scott talks Elizabeth into taking a leave of absence for the rest of the semester and going to Denver early. Like, tomorrow. He takes control of all the arrangements, like Elizabeth is some ’50s housewife who can’t pick up a phone to make a plane reservation. Elizabeth needs better instincts, like, now.
Jess buys flowers to make up with Liz. She runs into Tom, who talks her into letting him take the flowers to Liz. He writes an apology note, declaring his love. Later, Jess learns that Elizabeth’s leaving early, and she leaves Tom a message letting him know. She runs into Dana and tells her, so Dana knows that she only has to keep Tom and Liz separate for 24 more hours. Liz gets the flowers but gives them away to someone at the paper before she can read the note she thinks is from Jessica. Tom tries to talk to Elizabeth, but she’s annoyed with him and tells him to leave her alone.
Bruce invites Tom to his parents’ party. Dana decides she needs to go, too, even though Tom clearly doesn’t want to take her. While packing her things, Elizabeth finds a locket Tom gave her and decides to keep it. Tom finds a silly tie Liz once gave him and decides to wear it to the party. This is, by the way, the third or fourth party in this miniseries. How do these people ever get any studying done?
Dana is so determined to keep Tom from seeing Elizabeth before she leaves that she gets him angry before the Patmans’ party, knowing he’ll speed and possibly get pulled over for it. She also breaks his taillights to cause even more trouble. Unfortunately, her plan works a little too well – Tom is so angry that he talks back to the cop who pulls him over, and when he figures out that Dana broke his lights, he snaps at her. The cop sees him as a violent threat and makes him spend the night in lock-up.
By the time Tom gets out, Elizabeth is about to leave for the airport with Scott. Nick and Jessica rush Tom to the dorm, where Scott basically kidnaps Liz to get her away from anyone who might change her mind about leaving. Dana finds Tom, sees how upset he is, and realizes that she’s gone insane and screwed up his life. She confesses everything she did, including taking the letter he wrote Elizabeth a long time ago in an attempt to apologize for not believing her when she told him what his father did to her. Dana adds that Scott is a nutter, so Tom should try to get Elizabeth away from him.
Tom, Jessica, and Nick race to the airport while Scott continues freaking out about getting out of California. He tries to rush Elizabeth through airport security, acting more and more like a controlling, abusive boyfriend. Liz is wearing Tom’s locket under her shirt, and it keeps setting off the metal detectors. When she finally realizes what’s happening, she gives the locket to a kind security guard, who offers to return it if Elizabeth ever changes her mind.
Like a good little romantic movie cliché, Tom tries to get through security to stop Elizabeth from getting on the plane. He seems to think there’s a special pass they’ll give you when you just want to get to a gate without getting on a plane. He’s lucky this takes place pre-9/11, or he’d land himself back in jail. Airport security finds out that he was arrested recently and thinks he’s a threat. Tom’s mental state at this point isn’t really helping matters.
Liz finally calls Scott on his behavior, as he’s been throwing little tantrums all morning. He finally loses it completely, saying he’s wasted his money on her, and she wouldn’t have gotten into the DCIR without him. They fight, and she finally accepts what she’s been feeling for a while: She doesn’t want to go to Denver anymore. But it’s too late – the plane is leaving.
Tom finally gets to the gate and sees the security guard with the locket Elizabeth gave her. Somehow, he manages to get the plane stopped. Again, it’s like a movie, with the hero getting to his girl at the very last minute and convincing her to stay with him. Not that she needs much convincing. Elizabeth gets off the plane and announces that she’s not leaving Sweet Valley. Not seen: Scott screaming for the entire flight to Denver. So we have a semi-happy ending: Elizabeth is away from Scott, but she’s back with Tom, and I’m not looking forward to returning to that mess.
In other, even less interesting stories, Denise has been hired to cater the Patmans’ party, but it means she has to fool another group of people with lobster that isn’t really lobster. She’s terrified that she’ll be found out and sent to jail. I don’t think you can be sent to jail for serving tofu in place of lobster. But Denise has become dumber with each book, so I’m not surprised she thinks this way. It doesn’t help when she learns that one of the party guests is a reporter well-known for busting frauds.
But luck is on Denise’s side, and when the reporter finds out she’s serving lobster, he announces that a bunch of places in the area were shipped tainted lobster. The Patmans agree that the lobster shouldn’t be served. So you see, kids, if you lie long enough, eventually someone will get you off the hook and you’ll get away with everything!
There’s also a tiny bit about Nick taking college-entrance exams so he can go pre-law, and how his new taste in clothes makes Jessica think of Steven. The two of them fight because Jess doesn’t like the person Nick is turning into (a polite, productive member of society? Sounds about right). With Elizabeth leaving, Jessica decides there’s no reason to stay at SVU, so she makes the impulsive decision to follow through on something she thought about a couple books ago: going to the police academy. We’ll see if that lasts longer than five minutes.
Thoughts: I can’t believe Tom has so much trouble telling Dana that he’s through with her. It’s not like he’s ever had trouble speaking his mind before. Though maybe he’s smart for not coming right out and dumping her. She could react violently, since SHE’S A PSYCHOPATH.
“You must be Scott’s little girlfriend!” Do not work for that man, Elizabeth.
When Lila sees Nick dressed up for the party, she says he looks like “that cute guy in that new lawyer movie…based on that John Grisham book.” A Google search tells me that was The Gingerbread Man, and she’s either talking about Kenneth Branagh or Robert Downey, Jr. (unless Lila has a thing for Tom Berenger or Robert Duvall). I doubt it’s Branagh, so from now on, I’m going to imagine that Nick looks like a young RDJ. Nick “Iron Man” Fox.
May 12, 2015
SVU #36, Have You Heard About Elizabeth?: Not-So-Great Scott
Isn’t one of them supposed to have good fashion sense?
Summary: UGH, this Elizabeth/Tom/Scott triangle is still going on. Can’t we have another Nina book? No, instead, we have to hear about how a newsmagazine with the stupid name of NEWS2US wants to profile Elizabeth and Scott about the country-club mystery. The interviewer (a woman) mostly focuses on Scott, and Elizabeth is basically asked to be pretty and look at Scott like she admires him. When the article is published, it paints Scott as the sole mystery-solver, and Elizabeth as a groupie.
Elizabeth is understandably upset (as are Jessica, Nick, and Tom, who were major players in the case). Scott tells Liz that the interviewer was just jealous of her, because all women are always automatically jealous of other successful women. He claims that the interviewer also hit on him. Liz is dumb and falls for this.
Tom’s upset when he reads the story, since he knows Elizabeth deserves more credit. He calls a contact at NEWS2US and learns that Scott’s father is on the board of the corporation that owns the magazine. Plus, the elder Sinclair has connections to the Denver Center for Investigative Reporting, a supposedly prestigious journalism school (with a dumb name) where Scott has just been accepted. Tom thinks this is a huge scandal and even does a story about it on WSVU. Clearly Tom has never heard of nepotism.
Elizabeth is also accepted into the DCIR but has a hard time deciding if she should go. She and Jessica are so codependent that she’s not sure they can be that far apart from each other. Tom is also a factor – if she leaves SVU, they might never see each other again. She’s upset that she keeps seeing him with Dana, who’s still as annoying as ever. Elizabeth tries to talk to Tom about the story he did on Scott, but they end up having a huge fight in the cafeteria, which everyone hears. She reveals that she also got into the DCIR and might leave.
At the end of the last miniseries, Jessica decided to leave school to attend the police academy, and Nick decided to leave the police department to go back to school. Jess has seemingly abandoned her plan, as she’s still at school. She uses a hugely embellished version of the country-club case to get an extension on a creative-writing assignment. The professor’s so impressed with her imagination that he gives her an A – she basically just wrote the story on the fly while talking to him.
Jessica’s next big adventure is the swimsuit calendar she previously won a spot in. Nick suddenly decides he doesn’t want her to do it, but Jessica whines enough to make him change his mind. He’s wrong for trying to stop her from doing something, but she’s also wrong for being a brat, so neither of them comes off looking too great here. While Jess gets ready to be a model, Nick gets ready to take his college-entrance exams. Neither of them enjoys the experience. Jess doesn’t like the pictures afterward, and she decides she doesn’t want to do the calendar. Alison’s like, “After all that fighting, you quit??” I guess Jessica needs excitement after the whole country-club adventure.
Nick has been so busy studying that he hasn’t called Jessica in a few days, and she thinks it’s because he got hurt on the job. When she goes to see him, she’s relieved that he’s okay, but she soon realizes that by leaving a dangerous job to do something calm like school, Nick isn’t that interesting anymore. She’s not sure she’ll feel the same about him once he’s no longer a cop. Then all that gets brushed aside when Jess hears about Elizabeth and Tom’s fight and learns for the first time that Liz might go to Denver. At the same time, Elizabeth finally makes a choice about whether or not to accept her spot at the DCIR.
The C-plot belongs to Denise, who is dumber than we all thought. She’s the poorest Theta sister and decides that getting a credit card is what she needs to feel better. Of course, she goes on a huge spending spree, which is why 18-year-olds having credit cards is often a bad idea. Especially credit cards with what appear to be no limits. I don’t get how Denise can spend so much. When I got my first card (sometime in college, but I understood that, you know, you have to actually pay the money you’re charging), my limit was $1,000, I think. Now, at 33, my limit might be twice that, at most.
So Denise’s card gets declined at a super-fancy restaurant, and when she goes to the bank to discuss the situation, the guy who signed her up for the card is like, “Maybe you should…stop spending so much money? Have you thought about that?” Denise can’t even afford to pay the minimum amount every month, and then the college comes after her to start paying interest on her student loans. Which…I don’t think is possible. They have access to her credit reports? And I don’t think they can make you pay anything on your loans until you’re done with school.
Anyway, instead of getting a job, like a reasonable, smart person, Denise learns of a company that will help her consolidate her loans. Of course, the interest will be huge, and she still has to make monthly payments, so this isn’t better than having credit-card debt, but Denise thinks things are wonderful. I have a feeling this miniseries will end with Denise living in a cardboard box, eating the crusts of Lila’s tea sandwiches.
Thoughts: They’re calling the mystery at the country club the Krandall Scandal. That’s beautiful.
Jessica’s in a “detective film fan club chat group on the Internet.” I can only imagine her contributions to those discussions.
“Encryption is a word, isn’t it? Or is it kryptonite?” Jessica worries me.
“The Only Bank wants to be your friend.” It’s a cult! Run, Denise!
College-entrance exams require knowledge of trigonometry? If I had to try to get into college now, I’d wind up curled in a ball, whimpering.
Scott, after convincing Elizabeth that he’s not benefiting from nepotism: “I think you’re afraid of your feelings for me, Elizabeth. You keep looking for reasons to dislike me. Don’t you think I deserve better than that from you?” EW EW EW. This is the behavior of an abuser. “It’s your fault you feel that way. You’re crazy for believing that. You’re wrong for thinking like that.” Anyone who tries to make you feel like your feelings are wrong, unimportant, invalid, etc., is someone you need to avoid. Cut him loose, Elizabeth! Don’t get involved with someone like this!
Denise has always seemed like a smart person, so how in the world does she not understand how credit cards work?
Elizabeth spends 20 minutes picking out an outfit before she goes to see Tom…and she settles on overalls. Nailed it! Then she starts chewing a blade of grass. Is she secretly a redneck?
In Tom’s head: “She was so dear to him. He cherished her integrity, her spirit, her intelligence.” Who wants to tell the ghostwriter that no college guy has ever thought like that?
April 14, 2015
SVU #35, Undercover Angels: Spy vs. Spy
Elizabeth would never wear a shirt that sparkly
Summary: We pick up pretty much where the last book left off, with Bruce upset that Paul hustled him in a tennis game, and Elizabeth going over the details of the investigation in her head. She teases Bruce about calling the police on Paul to report that he’d stolen money he’d actually won. Bruce mentions that he gave Paul a check, which is news to Elizabeth, since she knows Tom saw him with a bunch of cash, including the bill Tom wrote “buena suerte” on, supposedly for a club employee. So the newest wrinkle in the investigation is that money one of the employees collected went to a club member.
Paul’s father, a congressman, is having a reception at the club, and somehow Dana was invited and asks Tom to go with her. Tom is basically done with Dana, but he needs her to get access to the country club, since you can only go there as a couple. What a stupid club. Elizabeth and Scott are also going to the reception, if anyone cares. And of course Lila and Bruce are going, because Lila practically lives at the club now. Lila chats with Paul for a little while, and then he heads off to switch cars with someone, getting into a van with a missing mud flap. Jessica happens to see this.
Elizabeth and Scott review the investigation, so I might as well, too: A caddy named Dwayne Mendoza was discovered dead in the lake at the country club. Brandon Phillips, a fellow caddy and SVU student, was arrested for murder after some of Dwayne’s things were found in his locker. A busboy named Manuel Coimbra has gone missing, and Elizabeth has uncovered possible voter fraud involving him – he got a voter registration card, despite the fact that he wasn’t a citizen. Plus, the card spells his name Manoel instead of Manuel.
Scott and Liz go to the county records office to look for Manuel’s address. None exists, but there’s info on Manoel. Except Manoel was from Brazil and died in 1991 at the age of 76. So it seems someone was employing some good old-fashioned fraud by collecting the votes of dead people. While Elizabeth is busy doing some actual investigating, Jessica snoops in her things to find out what she’s uncovered about the case. Liz catches her, and Jessica mocks her for keeping secrets so she can compete with Tom, instead of trying to solve the case and get justice.
Tom talks to Carlos, the waiter he gave the “buena suerte” bill to, and starts to think that Paul’s extorting the club employees who are working illegally. This makes a lot of sense, but I hate that Tom was the one to figure it out, because I don’t want him to be right about anything ever. Meanwhile, Scott and Elizabeth pose as lawyers so they can visit Brandon in lockup. Except Scott didn’t tell Liz that he’d planned this, which is pretty rotten of him, since I’m pretty sure they could get in a lot of trouble for this. All they really learn from their conversation with Brandon is that Dwayne may have figured out that Manuel was using someone else’s identity, and was killed so he couldn’t tell anyone.
Reception time! There’s a funny scene where Lila gets upset that Bruce isn’t dressed nicely enough for the reception at the club, so she fake-cries until he changes, because she knows Bruce can’t handle tears. If anyone else did this, I would be disgusted, but since it’s Lila, it cracks me up.
Jessica spots Tom and Dana making out, and she’s so surprised that she accidentally breaks character (as Perdita). Lila overhears her and figures out that she’s Jessica. Jess hightails it out of there. Elizabeth also sees Tom and Dana together, so Tom ditches Dana to try to get Liz to agree to work with him on the investigation. Scott shows up, as he always does, and Tom’s so mad to see him that he decides not to tell Elizabeth anything he’s learned, since she would inevitably give the information to Scott. Lila tracks down Jessica but doesn’t care what “Perdita” and “Chip” are up to as long as it doesn’t keep her and Bruce from becoming VIP members.
Congressman Krandall addresses the guests at the reception, and Bruce seems to be the only one surprised that it’s really a fundraiser. Why else would a politician hold an event for rich people? Bruce refuses to give Krandall any money. While he and Lila are fighting about this, Tom overhears him mention that he gave Paul a check after he was hustled, so now Tom is confused about where Paul got all that cash, including the “buena suerte” bill.
Tom goes looking for Carlos, but he’s busy, so Tom tries to talk to a busboy instead. The busboy doesn’t seem to speak English, but Tom knows someone who speaks Spanish: Perdita! Ha, I knew this would come back to bite Jessica. He pulls Jess in to translate, but unfortunately, Carlos arrives before she can really make a fool of herself. Carlos warns Tom to stop snooping around. While Tom’s trying to figure out if Carlos is threatening him or helping him, Jessica breaks her cover again. Tom tries to get her to tell him about the investigation, but she won’t.
Lila’s mad enough at Bruce to tell him they’re through. She can put up with a lot, but not a cheapskate! She thinks Bunny’s bored with Paul, so she just needs to get in good with him to be able to stay at the club. Speaking of Paul, the van Jessica saw him driving has been found abandoned with a few dozen people inside. Nick and Jessica are sent to talk to one of the people, who reveals that they were brought over the Mexican border after being promised papers and jobs by a guy using the name Wil E. Coyote. So Nick and Jessica head out to check out the van. Tom sees them and follows, while Elizabeth and Scott see him and follow.
While this caravan of fools drives around, Bruce goes back to the club and announces that people are being extorted. Carlos thinks he’s uncovered the whole illegal-worker thing, but Bruce is just talking about Paul’s hustling. Lila hopes that the two guys start fighting over her. Oh, Lila. Bruce makes a big scene, then leaves, stealing the trophy from the tennis tournament Lila fixed. Lila falls in the pool. I don’t know.
The others all meet up at the van, where Nick almost shoots everyone because it’s a little sketchy for people to be tailing a cop. He’s pretty ticked that reporters are running around, getting involved in this investigation but not sharing any information. He’s ready to arrest everyone, even though he doesn’t actually have anything to charge them with. Jessica tricks everyone into getting into the van (AKA the crime scene – come on, Jess), then says they can only get out when they start working together. She wants them to feel the way the immigrants felt when they were abandoned in the van.
Nick, Elizabeth, Tom, and Scott finally start sharing information, which leads to them deciding that Congressman Krandall is Wil E. Coyote, and he was using fake votes from illegal immigrants. They also think that Paul was extorting the illegal employees at the club, so they were getting doubly screwed. They ask to be let out of the van, but Jessica’s in no position to help them – Paul has followed them all out there and has stuffed her in the front of the van, which he plans to drive into a reservoir.
Jessica accidentally knocks herself out, which is pretty spectacular. When she comes to, she manages to get out of the van, like I’m so sure Jess was able to jump out of a moving vehicle without killing herself. She heads off to get help, and just happens to come across Bruce (who, hilariously, doesn’t realize at first that Perdita and Jessica are the same person). They head after the van as Jessica fills Bruce in on Paul’s crimes.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth figures that Jessica’s dead, and though the others convince her that Jess is probably okay, they know they’re going to have to save themselves. They face off with Paul, who reveals that Dwayne wasn’t murdered after all. Paul was just going to beat him up, but when he threw Dwayne in the lake, he quickly discovered that Dwayne couldn’t swim. Also, nothing bad happened to Manuel; they just sent him back to Mexico. (Later, Jessica finds out that he was one of the immigrants in the van, having come back across the border for another shot.)
Paul’s accomplice arrives, and the investigators realize that Paul isn’t Wil E. Coyote. So who is? It’s Carlos, the waiter Tom gave the “buena suerte” bill to. This was a nice twist I didn’t see coming. Paul plans to kill all the investigators, starting with Elizabeth. He shoots at her, but Tom shields her, because they’ve kind of reconnected and she’s given him a reason to live, or something. Carlos doesn’t think Paul’s plan is the way to go, and Tom seizes on his conscience to try to talk him out of helping Paul any longer.
It’s a moot point anyway, because rescue comes in the form of Jessica. She shows up with Bruce’s tennis racket and helps the captives overpower their captors. Carlos ends up with the gun, but Tom talks him into not using it. Then Bruce arrives and knocks Carlos out with the tennis trophy. Then Lila shows up, somehow. Why are all these people driving around in the middle of nowhere at the same time? The bad guys are taken into police custody, and Elizabeth and Tom come close to kissing.
The whole mess with the club leads to Lila deciding that she doesn’t want to be a VIP member after all. Also, she’s turned on by how brave and strong he was. He hit someone with a trophy, Li. Calm down. Tom covers the story on SVUTV, and Scott encourages Elizabeth to write about it for the paper. He also makes out with her, and this time, she’s into it. Too bad he’s about to leave – he was accepted into some investigative-reporting school in Denver. He thinks Liz should apply, too. And in other career news, Jessica announces to Nick that she wants to leave SVU to become a police officer. He tells her he wants to leave the police force and go back to school. Womp womp!
Thoughts: Why no, I don’t know why the book is called Undercover Angels. Thanks for asking.
Bruce: “I’m not obsessing. I’m venting. There’s a difference.” I’m stealing that for future use.
Dana wears zebra-print jeans. ICK.
Lila carries a papier-mâché clutch shaped like a sea cow. Uh, what? Rich people are weird.
My favorite thing in this book as how Jessica keeps saying “adios” and running away from Tom before he can completely figure out who she really is.
Nick gets mad at Tom and kicks the van. Jessica: “Why are you kicking the van?” Nick: “Because it’s illegal to kick him.” Hee.
Elizabeth with a gun pointed at her: “Yikes!” Okay, Liz.
“We’re just two college students, completely unarmed except for a tennis racket and a tin trophy cup. What am I supposed to do? Yell ‘Freeze or I’ll double fault’?” Bruce, you’ve just given me a great idea for a unique new action hero…
March 31, 2015
SVU #34, Spy Girl: These People Aren’t Exactly Giving James Bond a Run for His Money
Twin with bangs, I said no!
Summary: You may recall that in the previous book, Nick finally agreed to let Jessica partner with him for a case. He needs a woman to accompany him to the country club where everyone’s been hanging out, so he tells Jess to get ready to go undercover. Because Nick is an idiot in so many ways, he doesn’t bother to tell her what kind of undercover assignment they’ll be on, so she dresses like a hooker and goes to meet him on a street corner. Nick is also somewhat in disguise, accidentally dressed like a nerd, and they don’t recognize each other. He thinks she’s some criminal he’s busted before, and she thinks he’s a geek from high school.
Once they sort things out, Jessica confesses that she told Lila she was going to go undercover, which means she and Nick will both need to get really good disguises before they go to the country club. Jessica says she’s channeling Eva Peron, wearing vintage clothes, dyeing her hair black, and calling herself Perdita del Mar (which roughly translates to Lost from the Sea, and how I wish it translated to Lost at Sea). Nick becomes Chip, a preppy who I doubt Eva Peron would ever associate with, but whatever.
At the club, everyone falls all over themselves to impress “Perdita.” She makes up a bunch of stuff about Argentina, and everyone pretends it’s right because who’s going to correct the hot chick? Jess manages to fool everyone – including her best friend AND HER OWN TWIN – until Liz gets up close to her and realizes, “Hey, this woman has my EXACT FACE!” I’m thinking that Liz might want to go into something other than investigative reporting.
Speaking of which, Elizabeth and Scott are still investigating Dwayne’s murder, under the guise of writing a story about a tennis tournament. Scott is having trouble with boundaries, even though Elizabeth has told him straight out that nothing is going to happen between them, and that they need to stay professional. Liz goes back and forth between doing exactly the right things and being too wimpy to tell Scott when he’s making her uncomfortable and generally being a creep.
Meanwhile, Tom realizes that he doesn’t actually like Dana as more than a friend, and that he’s been using her to try to get over Liz. He breaks things off with her, but quickly starts stringing her along again when he needs a partner to get back into the country club. Dana is too vindictive to care what’s going on; she’s just happy to keep Tom from spending time with Elizabeth.
The investigation has few developments, but Elizabeth learns of the disappearance of an employee named Manuel and steals a letter he never received. It’s addressed to a Manoel instead of a Manuel, and it mentions that his voting location has changed. But Elizabeth was told that Manuel barely speaks English, which means he’s probably not a citizen, which means he wouldn’t be allowed to vote. So I’m guessing the whole murder mystery/cover-up has to do with the club violating employment laws by hiring non-citizens, and people being killed because they threatened to blow the whistle.
Meanwhile, Tom gets chummy with a waiter and catches him collecting money from some of his co-workers. The waiter claims that it’s for someone’s birthday. Tom offers up a $10, writing “buena suerte” (good luck) on it. Later, he spots the bill in a stack of money Paul (see below) has, and wonders how it got to a club member instead of the employee he was told it was going to.
Throughout the book, Elizabeth and Tom keep crossing each other’s paths and competing over who can solve the case first. I’m sure Dwayne’s family would be happy to know that two reporters are vying to see who can find his murderer first – not to get justice, but to make each other mad. Eventually they agree that they should work together, and they let down their guards long enough to almost kiss. Then Scott pops up and pretends that Liz was just using Tom to get information. Tom storms off, and the rivalry is back on. Thanks a lot, Scott.
Lila has somehow been put in charge of the tennis tournament, which people imply to her needs to be rigged. While she’s working on that and sucking up to the other country club socialites, Bruce is stuck hanging out with Paul, the fiancé of Bunny, a girl Bruce once dated (and ditched without formally breaking up with her). Paul is…dumb. So dumb he would spell it dum. He can also barely walk five steps without falling over. He and Bruce start playing tennis, and Bruce slaughters Paul. Paul thinks he’s doing okay and asks if they can play for money. Bruce actually feels bad for taking the guy’s money – Bruce is possibly a pod person in this miniseries – but he figures he should get a reward for having to spend time with Paul.
The games continue, and Paul still sucks but keeps raising the stakes. Poor, naïve Bruce keeps agreeing to the bets, because he doesn’t know that this is a classic hustling technique. Indeed, Paul suddenly becomes a tennis star and beats Bruce over and over, collecting a bunch of money from him. Ticked that he was made a fool of, Bruce calls the police and anonymously reports that Paul stole money. But Bruce is dumb, and the police simply ask Paul where the money came from, and when he says he won it, the police are like, “You’re dumber than he is, Patman.”
Thoughts: “Barely two weeks had passed since he’d seen her tramping around the quad with Todd Wilkins.” “Tramping”? I HATE YOU SO MUCH, TOM WATTS.
“His father is Sweet Valley’s number one congressman.” Sweet Valley has its own Congress?
Who drinks iced tea with lime? Is that a super-rich-people thing?
Paul calls Bruce “old chum” and “dear chap.” Shut up, Paul.
I’m so sad that none of the Spanish-speaking club employees speaks Spanish to Jessica and busts her for not really being fluent.
Elizabeth doesn’t recognize Jessica’s voice as Perdita? Mmm-hmm, sure.
March 17, 2015
SVU #33, Out of the Picture: You’ll Find Me in Da (Country) Club
Twin with bangs: No
Summary: For this book, we have to pretend that the previous four never happened, and that it’s only been a few days since Gin-Yung died. We start at her funeral, where everyone is understandably somber, but somehow Elizabeth is the saddest. Interesting, since they were never friends and both wanted the same guy. Todd is also wrecked, and he decides he needs time to himself to mourn, so he and Elizabeth are over. Again. For the 19th time. After the 20th, they get a free sub!
Elizabeth decides to sweep aside the breakup and all the other messes she’s been in through the SVU series, and make a fresh start. She quits the TV station and joins SVU’s paper, the Gazette. What’s awesome is that Liz, star reporter and editor of the Oracle, is a big ol’ nothing at the Gazette. No one cares that she edited her high school paper because everyone at the Gazette did the same. I think a lot of the time Elizabeth forgets that she’s a freshman, and that freshmen have no standing anywhere.
Pretty much the only person who’s happy to have Elizabeth at the paper is Scott, who’s obviously in love with her. He keeps trying to spend time with her, and he’s gotten a little touchy-feely. It makes Liz uncomfortable, but she tells herself that he doesn’t mean any harm. Yeah, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell him to stop. It doesn’t matter what someone’s intentions are – if his/her behavior makes you uncomfortable, speak up. Okay, end PSA.
Elizabeth is assigned to do a fluff piece about the Verona Springs Country Club. She’s mad that she’s given such a softball, and the editor reminds her that she’ll have to work to get to the juicier stories. But Liz does some research and comes across a better story: a murder. The body of Dwayne Mendoza, an SVU student who worked at the club as a caddy, was found in the lake. The club kept the murder quiet for a week before going to the police, more worried about protecting their reputation than getting justice. Yeah, that’s not shady at all. Also, no one at SVU seems to know about the murder. Dwayne’s things were found in another caddy’s locker, so it looks like that caddy robbed and murdered Dwayne, but obviously that’s not the case, since the police are still investigating (more on that later).
While this is going on, Tom’s father, George, is still trying to reach out to him, because he thinks Tom should be over the fact that George hit on Elizabeth. He sends Tom two memberships to Verona Springs, encouraging him to give one to Elizabeth. Because there’s nothing a college freshman wants more from her ex, who dumped her because he believed his father over her, than permission to wear tennis whites and hang out with snobby rich people. Shut up, George.
Tom takes Dana to the club instead, even though Dana is, like, totally punk rock, yo, and completely the opposite of everyone at the club. I’m surprised they let her through the gates. They run into Elizabeth and Scott, and everyone is really awkward with each other. Then they encounter a gardener named Juan, who’s Dwayne’s uncle. He obviously knows something about Dwayne’s murder but is too scared to say anything. Tom decides to investigate as well, and hopefully beat Elizabeth and Scott to the scoop. Oh, and then Scott kisses Elizabeth, and she’s like, “When did I ever give you the impression that I wanted your lips on me, creep?”
Jessica is obsessed with playing cop – she wants to go on a stakeout with Nick, who keeps insisting that it’s too dangerous. Also, they don’t just let random people go on stakeouts. Of course, Jessica has never heard a “no” she can’t turn into a “yes,” so she keeps bugging Nick no matter how many times he refuses. This somehow turns into her saying that she wants to be a cop herself. It also somehow leads to Nick deciding that he needs to choose between his job and his girlfriend. He decides he’ll take one last case – the murder investigation at Verona Springs – and then quit.
Nick is paired with another cop, Eileen, and they go undercover at the country club. Jessica goes nuts over this. How dare her boyfriend work with a woman who’s not her, after he told her the job was too dangerous for her! How dare he do his job and accept the partner who was assigned to him! How dare he speak to another female! Eileen has to leave the case to be with her ailing father, so Nick’s chief suggests that he take Jessica to the club in her place. Yeah, okay.
Jessica thinks Nick’s cheating, so she takes all his stuff to the police station and throws it at him, screaming about what a jerk he is. Hilariously, other cops can be heard in the background, egging her on. Nick tells Jess that she wins – she can be his partner. Because the best way to handle Jessica is to give her exactly what she wants.
Lila is affected by Gin-Yung’s death more than you would expect – it makes her remember losing her husband, the count. Bruce can relate because he lost Regina. Not really the same, but okay. He tries to cheer Lila up with trips to the country club, and she develops a new obsession: VIP membership. She and Bruce are currently just “couples only” members, which I guess means they can only go to the club with each other, but being VIP members would give them access to more areas of the club. I find it hard to believe that they’re not VIP members because of their families, or that they haven’t just bought their way to the top echelon.
Lila’s in for VIP membership is Pepper Danforth, and you can tell from her name exactly what kind of person she is. People named Pepper are usually snooty (exception: Pepper Potts). Pepper is a horrible human being, and hanging out with her makes Lila start acting like her. Amazingly, Bruce doesn’t like her new behavior, and is actually offended by how horribly they treat the staff at Verona Springs. When did Bruce develop human feelings?
Thoughts: The police hang out at a coffee shop called the Mug Shot, which is owned by a former crime-scene photographer. That is brilliant.
Jessica, after learning that Nick and Eileen are going undercover together: “Exactly what kind of covers do you two plan to be under?” Also brilliant.
With all the gossip we know goes on at SVU, how is it possible that a student died and no one heard about it? Wouldn’t the newspaper have run an article about it? Wouldn’t the administration have said something? Why is this the least believable part of the book?
Dana wears a purple dress and red sneakers to the country club. Even Claudia Kishi would class it up more than that.
Dana also calls Dwayne’s uncle “some old Mexican dude,” despite not knowing his ethnicity, which is awesome because I already hated her, and now I feel justified.
February 3, 2015
SVU Thriller, Killer at Sea: Sail Away With Me, and Also This Psychotic Kidnapper Who Wants to Kill Us
Nick, buddy, we need to talk about your haircut
Summary: I have no idea where this book falls in the series, or why it’s in the middle of a three-part arc. Jessica’s dating Nick, but there’s no mention of Todd, Tom, or even Ryan. Plus, we just had a thriller a couple books ago; there wasn’t really a need for another one so quickly.
But anyway, Nick wants to take Jessica out on a yacht for a week-long vacation. He’s been working on a kidnapping case that hasn’t been going well. It has him in such a bad mood that he’s mean to Jessica, which makes Elizabeth worry about the two of them stuck on a boat together for a week. She gives Jessica Nick’s phone, which he’d asked Liz to hold on to, in case she wants to bail early. I don’t know how Elizabeth would get to her in the middle of the ocean, but okay.
Nick teaches Jessica a little about sailing, which I imagine is similar to that Friends episode where Rachel tries to Joey about sailing but he just wants to eat sandwiches and yell at the Coast Guard. Despite some bickering, Nick relaxes a little, though he admits that he’s on the trip because he was forced to take a leave of absence. He botched the ransom drop in his kidnapping case, letting the kidnapper get away with his victim.
The next day, however, the lovebirds are fighting again. Nick even lets Jessica get hit in the head with a boom. Jessica’s understandably upset and calls Elizabeth to tell her how miserable she is. The connection is bad – a 1997 cell phone in the middle of the ocean would most likely be awful – and all Elizabeth can hear is Jess crying and saying Nick is mad. She thinks something’s seriously wrong, and that Jessica could be in danger.
She has no idea how right she is. Just minutes later, as Nick and Jess make up, they come across a guy in a rowboat, escaping a schooner that’s caught fire. They help the guy, Eric, onto their yacht and learn that the boiler on the schooner exploded, knocking over a refrigerator and trapping the guy’s girlfriend, Katie. Eric left her there, which…jerk, but that’s not the point. While Eric calls the Coast Guard, Nick makes plans to go to the schooner and try to rescue Katie. Except Eric doesn’t call the Coast Guard. He calls time and temperature, then tells Jessica and Nick that the Coast Guard will try to get out there after taking care of a bigger emergency.
At some point Jessica must have read The Gift of Fear, because she thinks something about Eric is off. Yes, he’s hot, but he’s a little too interested in her for a guy whose girlfriend is currently in a life-threatening situation. He brushes against her, then walks in on her while she’s changing. Eric supposedly goes to take a nap, so Nick thinks Jessica will be okay alone with him for a little while. Meanwhile, Nick will check out the schooner and try to save Katie. Jessica takes the extra precaution of jamming a broomstick against the lock on Eric’s door, just in case.
This turns out to be a good move, because Eric quickly flips out and reveals himself to be dangerous. He breaks the door down and chases Jessica around on the yacht. She tries to radio the schooner, but Eric tells her the schooner’s radio is broken – as is the yacht’s, after he destroys it. Jessica tries to call the Coast Guard, hitting redial on the phone, and realizes that Eric never called them. She calls Elizabeth again, since she doesn’t have the Coast Guard’s number (pssst, Jess, try 911), and tells her that someone’s after her. As Eric knocks Jessica out and tosses the phone into the ocean, Elizabeth starts panicking.
Liz heads straight to the marina and tries to get in touch with the yacht, but obviously can’t since the radio’s busted. Time for a hot guy to come to her rescue! This one’s name is Matt, and he’s game to help Elizabeth get in touch with Jessica and make sure she’s okay. It’s a good thing the twins are hot; otherwise I’m not sure they’d have so much male attention right when they really need it.
Nick makes it to the schooner and is able to put out the fire. He finds Katie, and she’s definitely dead…but the fridge isn’t the culprit. As he’s about to leave, he sees the yacht take off. Meanwhile, Jessica wakes up and does possibly the smartest thing she’s ever done: She pretends she’s on Eric’s side. She makes him think she’s into him and happy that Nick is gone. She secretly finds a dart gun, but Eric spots it as well and grabs it before she can. Jessica then tries to drug Eric with sleeping pills, but they don’t do the job. A for effort, though.
Eric has left a video playing on the schooner (I don’t know how he knew this would all work out; don’t question it), featuring Katie. This is so Nick (and the readers) can figure out that Katie is the kidnapping victim, and Eric is the kidnapper Nick has been trying to catch. He feels responsible for Katie’s death, since he would have rescued her if he hadn’t screwed up the ransom drop. Nick remembers that he just left his girlfriend alone with a psycho, so he gets to work fixing the sinking schooner so he can go after the yacht. Meanwhile, Matt and Elizabeth see on his radar that there are two boats nearby, one of which is stalled.
Jessica gets so creeped out by Eric that she decides she can’t keep up the charade anymore. She locks him in a room again and goes out on deck, which is a bad idea since there’s a storm a-brewin’. She grabs the dart gun and decides to sail back to the schooner to save Nick. Eric escapes the room via skylight, grabs the yacht keys, and throws them in the water. Jessica tries to shoot him with the dart gun, but it misfires. Eric starts to use some karate moves on her (he keeps doing karate and it’s really dumb), but a wave makes him lose his balance. Jessica manages to get the dart gun again, hits Eric over the head, and knocks him overboard, unconscious.
Jess is upset over killing someone but is more worried about Nick, so she sails back to the schooner. On said schooner, Nick isn’t able to bail out the water, which is steadily rising. The cold is getting to him, making him hallucinate birds that tell him how to get himself out of the room he’s trapped in. As he frees himself, Eric – not dead, of course – gets back to the yacht.
Elizabeth and Matt get to the schooner as it capsizes, and pull Nick onto their boat. He’s unconscious but alive. When he wakes up, he tells Liz that her sister’s on the yacht with a murderer. Matt’s boat makes it over to the yacht, and everyone reunites happily, especially Jessica and Nick, since she thought he died on the schooner. The four of them try to enjoy themselves a little – why call the trip short on account of a brief homicide-related detour? – not realizing that Eric’s back on the yacht.
Eric finally makes his presence known, grabbing Elizabeth (who he thinks is Jessica) and knocking her out. There sure is a lot of unconsciousness in this book. It should have ended with everyone in the hospital. Anyway, Nick and Eric fight each other, and Eric grabs the dart gun. Just as he’s about to shoot Nick, Jessica pops up. Eric’s confused because a) he thought Liz was Jess, and b) he thought he killed her. Jessica pretends to be a ghost there to get revenge for her murder. This works for a while, and is enough to distract Eric so Nick can try to get the upper hand, but it just leads to another Eric/Nick battle. By the way, Matt has been over on his boat the whole time, just driving around, and hasn’t heard any of the commotion, so he has no idea what’s going on. It’s a fun visual.
Eric smacks Nick around for a while, then chokes him until he’s unconscious. Jessica pretends to be in love with Eric again and makes out with him so Elizabeth can come up behind him and knock him out with a deck chair. Nick regains consciousness during the making out and rubs Jessica’s leg, which she thinks is his approval for her plan. He tells her later that he was trying to get her to come up for air because they were kissing for so long. Heh.
Eric gets tied up until they can all get the police there to arrest him. Matt’s like, “Why are all these cops here? And why does Nick’s face look like hamburger?” Elizabeth tries to gauge his interest in her, and I’d say he’s interested, but he’s heading to Mexico for a few months, so they’re not going to have a relationship right now. Thanks for all your help, Matt. You were…not completely worthless, I guess.
Thoughts: I have to laugh at the idea of Elizabeth not finishing her homework until right before class. She would have had it done five minutes after the previous class ended.
Jessica doesn’t know that you’re supposed to add water when you make soup. How did she make it to 18? Whatever happened to survival of the fittest?
“Elizabeth couldn’t let anything break her concentration, not when she was on the verge of explicating how Willem de Kooning’s Woman II, while being a vile affront to the sense on a purely feminist level, could also be seen as a fascinating synthesis of analytical and synthetic cubism.” That was the bad thing about being an English major. PEOPLE ACTUALLY SAY STUFF LIKE THIS. And it makes perfect sense to them.
If Eric had been telling the truth about how Katie died, killer fridges would have been 2 for 2 in Sweet Valley.
“Jessica floated a tea bag in a mug of cold water and put it in the microwave for ten minutes.” There are so many things wrong with that sentence.
Nick: “I work with crackpots every day, Jess. Don’t you think I’d recognize one if I saw him?” No, because then you wouldn’t be dating Jessica.
I assume a dart gun shoots tranquilizer darts? But why would there be one on a boat? To knock out sharks?
'90s Flashback 