February 2, 2014
Summary: David’s taking some of the gang to Vegas for the weekend, and though Ray’s playing there, I doubt that’s why they’re going. Brandon doesn’t want to go, because if anyone in that group is going to be a party pooper, it’s him. Steve’s working on a paper on Brandon’s computer, and asks if he can look at one of Brandon’s old papers for formatting help. Brandon opens a paper he got an A on, so of course Steve’s going to just nab it and put his own name on it.
David’s eager to get on the road to Vegas in a timely manner, so he calls Valerie to bug her to get everyone ready on time. She thanks him again for the money for the After Dark. He’s booked a great suite for the weekend, and it sounds like they’re going to be sharing it. So the two of them, Steve, and Clare head to Vegas, and on the way, David displays more of his manic behavior by speeding. Everyone yells at him to slow down.
Back in Beverly Hills, Mark and Kelly make plans to spend the weekend together. Brandon complains to Nat about new prices at the Peach Pit. They encounter a woman named Melanie who tells them that she just got into town to visit her fiancé, but she was robbed. The address where she and her fiancé were supposed to meet was in her purse, so she doesn’t know where to go. She’s in luck, because Brandon hasn’t found anyone to help yet today! She gets to be the lucky damsel in distress!
Donna skipped the Vegas trip since David has recently told her that he doesn’t like how much she worries about him. She’s concerned that the combination of him and Valerie is going to lead to trouble. Kelly doesn’t think Donna can change David now that he has his inheritance money. Brandon takes Melanie to the hotel where she thinks her fiancé, Phil, is staying. Unfortunately, he checked out a couple days ago and didn’t leave any information about where he was going. Brandon tells Melanie that she can stay with him.
In Vegas, David and Valerie check into their suite, which has been comped – it’s free if David gambles at least $10,000. Sleeping arrangements are worked out, and I can only hope these two use protection. They decide to go see Ray’s show, which I don’t get. Val wants to make things romantic right away, but David wants to start gambling. Over in Steve and Clare’s room, she notes that their room number is 3003, and 3 is Steve’s favorite number. They should gamble with that number, because there’s no way they’ll lose!
Brandon takes Melanie to the TV station to get some things, but Mark and Kelly are already there, making out. (Doesn’t he have a nice, big, empty house for them to do that in?) Brandon is totally not jealous at all, you guys. The Vegas group catches up with Ray; apparently they’re all friends now? It’s weird. David tells Ray that he and Val are partners now and want him to come back and headline at the After Dark. He heads off to gamble, and Ray asks the others what’s wrong with him.
Phil calls the Walshes’ house, though I’m not sure how he got their number. He tells Melanie he’ll come over once he’s done with work. The Vegas portion of the gang goes to Ray’s show; amazingly, he doesn’t play that song he always used to play. David keeps ordering drinks, though he’s the only one who doesn’t think they’ve all had enough. Clare and Steve play 3 in roulette; the wheel hits 10. But they had such a foolproof plan! Meanwhile, David has good luck with blackjack despite his drunkenness.
Steve and Clare go back to their room as she complains about how her hunch about 3 was so strong! There’s no reason they should have lost! Maybe they should play 0 instead of 3, since there are also 0s in their room number. (Or maybe Clare should get her head checked.) Phil finally makes it to the Walshes’, and I only wish this had all been a scam and they were going to rob Brandon. Muntz calls to make arrangements to come by the house and pick up Steve’s paper so he can turn it in.
When Brandon goes back to the living room, Phil’s gone – he’s dumping Melanie for someone else. (If I didn’t know any better, I’d think it was Valerie.) The jerk let his fiancée come all the way to L.A., thinking they were going to get married, then made her wait a while day before telling her the truth. At least she has Brandon to comfort her. Mark invites Kelly to spend the night at his place, but she doesn’t want to move that quickly. He’s willing to keep things completely nonsexual until she’s ready for the next step.
David calls Donna and offers to pay for her to fly out and join the others in Vegas. Donna can tell he’s drunk and asks him to be careful. “What could I possibly do?” he asks. Then he drinks some more. Valerie tries to get him to wrap up his gambling for the night, but he wants to go to another casino, since he’s losing in this one. He’s upset with her for acting like his mother just like Donna does. Val gives up and lets him go.
Playing roulette with 00 has worked out well for Clare, though she’s only betting $3 at the time and Steve thinks they should take a bigger risk. After three wins in a row, Clare wants to quit and spend her winnings on wine. Waiting for a cab outside, David meets two women and agrees to share a taxi with them. First they want to stop at their hotel. David appears to think that that’s really an invitation for a threeway. (I’m not sure both of them were born women, but whatever floats your boat, David.)
Melanie talks to Brandon about how Phil has dashed her dreams of moving to L.A. and starting a family. He tells her that his dream is to be president. No one cares, Brandon. She asks him about Kelly, since she noticed that he was upset when Brandon saw her with Mark. He admits that he’s maybe, kind of, sort of still in love with her. Melanie doesn’t get why Kelly doesn’t want to be with Brandon, since he was so heroic today. In Vegas, David’s new friends drug him, rob him, take his clothes, and ditch him in their hotel room. Ruh-roh!
In the morning, Kelly gives Mark some linens so she’ll be comfortable next time she spends the night. The Vegas contingent, minus David, wonders where their missing member is. Ray slams the others for not keeping a better eye on him and suggests that they call Donna to see if she’s heard from him. David wakes up hungover and realizes he was robbed. Phil calls Melanie just as Muntz comes by to get Steve’s paper (well, Brandon’s paper). Phil wants Melanie back, but she’s not about to reunite with a jerk. She does, however, still want to live in L.A.
Sometime later, Donna arrives in Vegas to help her incompetent friends deal with David. She’s even madder than Ray was about them not looking after him. (She’s also not happy that David and Valerie were sharing a room.) When Donna finds David, he’s crying and worrying about why he’s been acting so strange. She promises she’ll help him.
Thoughts: Melanie is played by Allison Smith. Most people probably know her as Mallory on The West Wing.
“Honey, meet me in a city you’ve never been to, and get yourself to a place I won’t be.” Phil really is a jerk.
Trivia: The Walshes’ address is 953 Hillcrest Drive.
Kelly’s move with the sheets seems like something Lila Fowler would do. “Your cotton sheets are unacceptable. I will only sleep on silk spun by my very own silkworms.”
The bed in David and Valerie’s room looks super-comfy. It’s all fuzzy.
November 17, 2013
Summary: Donna and David are officially on board with MZA, and their first video will be for a band that also recently signed. The band is coming into town, and Donna and David can meet them at their show venue, the After Dark (how convenient!). Their manager gushes over the band and how great the lead singer is. Then he drops the bomb: It’s Ray. Susan’s headed out of town for a newspaper conference, so Brandon will probably get into some kind of trouble in this episode. Not yet, though, since right now he’s just excited to watch TV with Steve (who’s laid up with his broken jaw).
Donna is reasonably panicked about working with Ray, as well as about how Joe will react. David advises her not to say anything to Joe. I’m sure that’ll end well. Dr. Martin gives Joe a checkup and clears him to go back to playing football. But Joe’s decided to go back home to Pennsylvania and coach high school ball. Donna has no idea, and Joe hasn’t figured out when to tell her. School’s over for the semester, but Kelly’s getting ready for summer school. She and Val are still coldly civil to each other.
Speaking of Valerie, she gets a visit from the bail bondsman she paid when she got Colin out of jail. He’s still MIA, and the bondsman is allowed to collect the bond from Nat, since Valerie mortgaged the club to pay him in the first place. Prince Carl brings Steve flowers (um…) and starts to join his and Brandon’s TV marathon, but Steve begs Carl to get Clare out of the house for a while (she’s bored and keeps bugging him). Brandon thinks it’s a bad idea for Steve to send his girlfriend off with another guy.
Colin reunites with Danny Five the dealer, who’s had the charges against him dropped. Colin wants to leave the country but doesn’t seem very concerned with disguising himself or keeping a low profile or even moving very quickly. He asks Danny Five for help, which is probably a horrible idea. Danny Five gives him a beeper and promises to page Colin when things are in place. Carl takes Clare to dinner and they talk about her mother, who apparently wanted them to get married one day (at least according to Carl).
Donna and David go to meet MZA, having told their manager that they know Ray, but not how. David wants to plead creative differences and end the arrangement right away. Ray, however, thinks the two of them are the right people to produce his video. Not only do they know him, but he likes their Powerman video. Donna’s still skeptical, but when she meets Ray’s fiancée, Wendy, she decides to tough it out. Now she’s all happy for Ray and the poor girl he’s marrying who might not have any idea what she’s in for.
Brandon and Steve’s marathon continues. They’re watching Aaron Spelling shows. Try not to choke on the meta. Valerie beats herself up for paying Colin’s bail, then tries to figure out where he might be. She wonders if he’s gotten in touch with his dealer. Brandon suggests that they look for him “at the corner of Crack and Eight Ball.” (Heh.) Valerie asks Brandon to ask Kelly to talk to Danny Five. (Got that?) Brandon tells her to be a big girl and ask Kelly herself.
Donna and Joe meet up, and she casually mentions that she’s producing Ray’s video. Joe’s not happy but won’t tell her not to continue the job. He does, however, accuse her of being disloyal. She insists that it’s just business. Brandon and Valerie find Kelly on campus and ask her to help them find Colin, pointing out that Nat could lose the diner. Carl has a day of music-listening planned for Steve, so they can pick a band to play at his birthday party.
Ray’s playing at the After Dark, and Brandon goes to visit him, pretending nothing bad ever happened and that they’ve always been friends. Ray thanks him for being the hero and making him drop the charges against Joe. Joe also comes to see Ray’s show, and after the first song, he takes Donna outside and tells her that he kept his mouth shut about Ray’s video because he hopes it’s the only one she makes for MZA. He tells her that his dream isn’t to play football anymore. He wants to go home and take Donna with him, if she’ll marry him.
Kelly, Brandon, and Valerie go to Danny Five’s house, where Kelly pretends that she’s looking for Colin because she wants to run off with him. Danny Five gives her Colin’s beeper number and sells her a gram of coke (to keep up her cover story), which Brandon demands when she leaves. Instead, she pours it in a trash can. At the beach apartment, Donna tells Clare about Joe’s proposal, which she didn’t respond to. She isn’t sure she’s ready to change her whole life and move across the country.
Clare confides that she’s been thinking a lot about her mom and what she wanted for Clare. She confirms that her mom told her she wanted Clare and Carl to end up together. Clare and Donna talk about fantasizing about their wedding days when they were kids, and how now they may actually be facing weddings and major life decisions. (I’m sure Clare never fantasized about marrying a guy like Steve.)
Kelly tries to page Colin, but he doesn’t respond. Brandon thinks he’s already left L.A. Valerie and Kelly bicker, and Brandon reminds them that they’re on the same side. He thinks they should call the police and let them take things from here. Suddenly Colin calls, and Kelly asks him to meet her (supposedly alone). He declares his love for her and says he needs her. Val has to listen to the whole thing on speakerphone.
The next day, Ray and his band get ready to head out on the road for their next show. He and Donna say pleasant goodbyes. Colin calls Kelly from the motel where he’s staying and arranges to meet up with her. She says she has a doctor’s appointment before she can meet him. Steve’s jaw is unwired, so our brief vacation from his constant talking is over. Carl’s time alone with Clare is probably over, too.
Kelly, Brandon, and Valerie go to Colin’s motel with the police, but instead of finding Colin, they find Danny Five. Kelly realizes that Colin knew she was setting him up. Valerie’s mad that they blew their only chance to get Colin – or, more to the point, that Kelly blew it. Donna and Joe go for a walk on the beach so she can take ten minutes to talk about her dreams and her family and her friends and blah, the point is she doesn’t want to go to Pennsylvania. He won’t stay in Beverly Hills, so they’re done. ‘Bye, Joe! Go be boring on the East Coast.
Thoughts: Where did Colin get money to pay Danny Five? And rent a motel room? And why isn’t he worried about someone recognizing him? Why won’t anyone address these super-important plot holes?
So…no one’s going to warn Wendy about Ray? Nice.
I didn’t notice it before, but Danny Five has a really nice house. I guess being a drug dealer in Beverly Hills would be pretty lucrative.
Did Joe graduate, or is he just dropping out of school? He’d better hope that coaching job works out.
August 11, 2013
Summary: Kelly and Colin take Erin to eat at the Peach Pit before Kelly goes to court to support Donna. David thinks he should skip the trial and look after his sister, but Valerie’s sure she’ll be fine with Colin. Brandon and Susan arrive, and Valerie tells David that Brandon and Kelly hooked up while Susan and Colin were out of town for Thanksgiving. David advises her to keep that to herself. The trial requires Donna and her adorable dress to skip a trip with the other Rose Court finalists, because apparently that’s STILL GOING ON. But hey, at least she has Joe.
Brandon reports on the trial for the Condor, using a tiny, very ’90s laptop. The gang arrives as Joe’s lawyer dodges questions from the press about how the trial will affect Joe’s football career. The prosecutor offers a deal that would give Joe a suspended sentence and community service. Joe won’t take it since he can’t play football if he pleads guilty. Valerie sees Brandon and Kelly chatting and tries to convince David that it means something. David accepts that Kelly spent the night at the Walshes’, but that doesn’t mean she and Brandon had sex.
Ray shows up for the trial with LuAnn, and there are some awkward looks exchanged with Donna. Felice also comes to support her daughter. Kelly calls Colin to check on Erin, who’s having fun painting with him in the park. (Colin has younger brothers, so he’s used to taking care of kids.) Well, at least she’s having fun until she gets sad about missing her family. Donna testifies in court, and like her deposition, her explanation of what happened on Halloween makes Joe sound like the instigator. Suddenly, the defense attorney remembers how to lawyer, and the truth about Ray’s violent behavior comes out.
Brandon tells Steve that Colin got up early that morning to practice, even though he might not be allowed to play football anymore. Steve wants to take bets on the outcome of the trial, but Brandon has to remain impartial. Colin continues doing art with Erin, this time painting her portrait. She’s slowly turning into a handful. Brandon calls Susan to discuss his story, and she tells him the AP wants to pick it up, since he can get to the defendant. However, Joe’s lawyer doesn’t want him talking to the press.
Joe testifies, but has to admit that Ray didn’t injure Donna – in fact, Ray was the only person hurt. LuAnn’s all smug. Valerie is next called to the stand, which Kelly finds funny, since Valerie hardly ever helps other people. Val testifies as a witness to Ray and Donna’s fight in Palm Springs. After court, the gang goes to the Walshes’ house for dinner; Steve wants a celebration, but David doesn’t want to jump the gun. Valerie tells Brandon that she knows they hooked up on Thanksgiving. He basically tells her to stop talking before he ditches her as a friend.
Joe practices again the next morning, and Brandon meets him there to try to discuss the trial. Joe is extremely optimistic, saying that everything happens for a reason. He’s sure that things will work out in his favor. Everyone returns to court, and Donna’s nervous, but Felice thinks that Valerie’s testimony tipped the scales in Joe’s favor. Brandon corners Ray to plead with him to stop making himself out to be the victim, since the real victim is Donna. He needs to tell the truth and get the trial to end.
Donna is surprised to be recalled to the stand and questioned about the incident in Palm Springs. The prosecutor gets her to admit that she lied in her hospital admission form, saying that she fell. Since she lied to protect her former boyfriend, maybe she’s lying now to protect her new boyfriend. Donna feels horrible for possibly hindering Joe’s freedom, but he doesn’t blame her. Colin’s still on Erin duty, and Valerie finds it impressive, considering…
The next time Colin sees Kelly, he accuses her of cheating on him with Brandon. She admits to spending the night at the Walshes’, but nothing else. Colin doesn’t believe her, and the fact that he believes Valerie instead is pretty ridiculous. Through this whole fight, Erin has been in the bathroom, getting ready for a bath, so of course she falls into the tub and almost drowns. Colin gives her CPR and revives her.
Susan is so super-proud of her boyfriend on his first syndicated story. He’s totally going to be the next Edward R. Murrow because he’s smart and talented and can cook a perfect soufflé and his breath always smells like daisies. Also, he’s honest. Brandon decides to beat Valerie to the punch by telling Susan that Kelly spent the night at his house, but nothing happened. He didn’t sleep with Kelly because of his feelings for Susan. She’s not sure he’s telling the complete truth. Now that Colin’s saved Erin, he somehow no longer cares about what may or may not have happened between Kelly and Brandon, so they’re good.
Back to court for the third day of the trial. Kelly blasts Valerie for spreading gossip, warning that her behavior will get her in trouble one day. Ray is cross-examined, and poor Felice and Dr. Martin have to listen to him lie that he never hurt Donna. By which he means not on purpose. He says that if he ever hurt her, it was only because he loved her. Joe’s lawyer gets Ray to admit what really happened on Halloween. Now LuAnn isn’t so smug anymore. The case is quickly dismissed.
The prosecutor offers to put Ray in jail if Donna will testify against him. Instead, Donna tells Ray about the offer and just says he needs to try harder in his next relationship. Um, what? Brandon goes home to finish up his story, and Valerie admits that she told Colin about Thanksgiving. She asks forgiveness, claiming that she doesn’t gossip to hurt people. He basically tells her what Donna told Ray: “Don’t do it again.”
Speaking of Ray, he comes by the house to thank Brandon for setting him straight. Because Brandon is awesome and perfect and a hero, and if he’d been at the beach apartment when Erin almost drowned, he would have saved her in one breath, then flown her to the hospital like Superman. And when she got back, he would have baked a chocolate cake for her and rented out Disneyland so she could ride on all the rides as much as she wanted. Anyway, Ray’s going to leave town.
The day of the Rose Court final announcement, the gang gathers in Pasadena and discusses how Steve’s been taking bets. He may or may not have gotten a girl’s mother to bet against her. Donna’s friend Lisa is crowned Rose Queen, and though the gang is disappointed that Donna didn’t win, Donna’s thrilled just to be there. Joe thinks she would have done better if she hadn’t been distracted by the trial. Donna tells him and her parents that she wouldn’t change anything. Then we end on Brandon finishing his story, because it’s ALWAYS ABOUT BRANDON.
Thoughts: Of course Brandon saves the day. OF COURSE.
I think Erin may have been aged, probably because they needed someone to have conversations with Colin. She’s…not very good, though. Her eyes are open when Colin starts to give her CPR! Also, I think she might have fake eyelashes.
I used to proofread legal transcripts for a living, which gave me the ability to spot believable courtroom scenes, and the ones in this episode are believable (unlike Donna’s deposition in the last episode). There’s one big screw-up, though: At the end of the trial, the judge dismisses the jury…but there was no jury. Oops!
Thanks for being a completely useless Greek chorus, Steve and Clare. Keep up the great work!
August 3, 2013
Summary: Donna tries to call Joe, then tries to leave a message for him, but fails on both counts. She hopes he’s not avoiding her. He’s not – he’s busy talking to the police, since Ray told them Joe beat him up on Halloween. It’s Homecoming week at CU, and Steve has been assigned to protect the school’s mascot, Corny the Condor, from SCU. He’s taking it seriously, probably because he knows what it’s like to be on the other side of this. He tells a bunch of students that Corny will be hidden in a secret location. Kelly encourages Colin to join in the fun.
Valerie skips out on the festivities to go to work, where she’s surprised by Jonesy. He wants his repayment for the favor he did her and Dylan in Mexico. He also offers to find Dylan now that he’s left Beverly Hills, but Valerie doesn’t think he wants to be found. Jonesy’s new gig requires Valerie to accompany him for one night, though he doesn’t say what’s involved. Joe tells Donna that Ray’s pressing charges; he had to tell his football coach, which meant admitting he missed curfew, so he can’t play in the Homecoming game. He’s also supposed to stay away from Donna.
Valerie’s wardrobe for her night with Jonesy includes a pleather dress from Frederick’s of Hollywood. Hey, at least Jonesy paid for it. Brandon checks Dylan’s answering machine for him in his role as house closer-upper. Susan suggests that he write something for the paper to get himself back into his normal routine. In Pasadena, the Rose Court hopefuls learn which of them will be princesses. Felice and Dr. Martin attend, and Kelly and Clare think Donna will be upset when she sees them. Donna and her friend Lisa both get places on the Rose Court.
After the ceremony, Felice sits down with Donna and confirms that the picture she found is of her. The day after the Rose Court was announced, she found out she was pregnant. She was 19 and Dr. Martin was Medical Student Martin. They got married quickly, and Felice had to drop out of the competition because it was only for single girls. Then she miscarried the baby. Felice is worried that Donna sees her as a fraud; after all, she’s the queen of abstinence lectures. Donna’s just happy that Felice has been honest with her.
Steve and some other KEG guys – AKA the Condor Patrol – transport Corny to the Walshes’ house in a crate. Valerie tells David she has to go out that night, but she sidesteps giving details, which makes him suspicious. That night, Jonesy takes Valerie to a spot popular for guys who want hookers. He’s trying to lure a guy he’ll only call the Duke (not the bookie) so he can take pictures and help the Duke’s wife use them for evidence in a divorce. He assures Valerie that the Duke is a jerk, so he deserves this.
Kelly, Steve, and Clare meet Colin at his loft, and Kelly learns that he’s been working undercover for the Condor Patrol. He caught them making a decoy Corny and joined up. The decoy’s at the Walshes; the real one is in Colin’s fridge. Joe congratulates Donna on making the Rose Court, assuring her that things will work out with his legal problems, even though charges have officially been filed and he’s being arraigned in a few days. Donna agrees to help with his defense.
Valerie is less than helpful with Jonesy’s sting, and happy when the night is over. He tells her he’ll be needing her for another night. At the CU quad, Brandon lectures Steve loudly about how messy the KEG brothers have been. Donna meets with Joe’s lawyer, who thinks Joe will be cleared since he was protecting her. However, the truth about Donna’s abusive relationship with Ray is going to come out at the arraignment. Donna decides it’s time to tell her parents about that.
The Condor Patrol sets up surveillance cameras in the Walshes’ house so they can keep an eye out for SCU thieves. David’s still curious about Valerie’s activities the night before, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, or the fact that she has to put in another night’s work. He thinks she’s seeing someone else. Valerie promises to tell him everything eventually. David doesn’t like that response, and he doesn’t like the pleather dress he finds. She tells him he’s acting childish. He replies that he’s done being patient with their relationship.
Ray tracks Donna down in Pasadena, and Lisa makes the smart decision to stand nearby and keep an eye on things. Donna yells at Ray for going after Joe, and he tells her he’ll drop the case if she gets back together with him. She refuses. Kelly wants to help with the house closing-upping, but Brandon isn’t sure it’s worth it, since he doesn’t think Dylan’s ever going to come back. She says that they both care about Dylan and that will never change. That doesn’t answer the question, but Brandon doesn’t seem to care.
Valerie and Jonesy go back out that night, but she still hates the gig and no longer cares that it’ll bring her some money. As they’re fighting, the Duke arrives in a totally inconspicuous white limo. As Jonesy attempts to pimp Valerie out, a cop jumps out of the limo and arrests him and Valerie for solicitation. Susan goes to see Brandon at Dylan’s and finds him and Kelly playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. (I can’t believe Dylan didn’t take those with him!) It’s awkward, but Kelly quickly leaves so Brandon and Susan can be alone.
Valerie calls David from jail and asks for bail money. He’s confused but pays. He’s also flattered that she called him. She tells him that he’s the only person she was willing to let see her like this. Jonesy gets the charges dropped and assures Valerie that her record will stay clean. He got half his payment from the Duke’s wife, but he can’t pay Valerie for her help. Val’s okay, since she gets David. (Awwww. Or something.)
Donna meets with Joe’s angry jock friends to tell them that Joe broke curfew to protect her from Ray, not to party. She thinks that makes him a good leader on the football field. Joe arrives and makes up with his friends. Everyone goes to a Homecoming pep rally, where Steve shows footage of the SCU students stealing Corny from the Walshes’ house. The Condor Patrol brings out the real Corny. Brandon listens to the Homecoming game on the radio while he tries to write a column about Dylan.
The Martins watch the game at the beach apartment, at least until Donna tells her parents about her relationship with Ray. Felice realizes that he hurt her in Palm Springs. She and Dr. Martin are very sympathetic and assure her that they’ll support her and Joe while they deal with the legal mess.
The CU students celebrate their game win at the Peach Pit, and Donna meets up with Joe, who’s still pretty optimistic about everything working out. The gang discusses having Thanksgiving at the Walshes’; Colin and Susan will both be out of town, so Brandon and Kelly will be unaccompanied…. David and Valerie are at the house, and it looks like they’re no longer taking things slowly. Use protection, kids!
Thoughts: Clare: “Joe?” Donna: “Ray.” Me: “Mi! Oh, wait.”
There’s a sign at Joe’s jock house that says, “Use key to open door.” Are they really that dumb that they need a sign for that?
Why didn’t Valerie just tell David what she was doing? What a stupid conflict.
Ray is completely horrible and Joe is completely wonderful. Yeah, that’s realistic.
I love the twist in the Jonesy/Valerie storyline. Though he kind of owed her some money after he accidentally got her arrested.
David: “You could have called anyone – Brandon, Steve, Nat.” Can you imagine being Nat and getting a phone call from one of those stupid kids in jail? My first instinct would be to say, “Who is this?”
July 28, 2013
Summary: Dylan and Toni are for real getting married, and plan to have a private ceremony, then a reception with their friends. Kelly and Donna help Toni pick out a dress, talking about how glad they are that Dylan’s found someone (even if it’s not Kelly). Meanwhile, Marchette plots to have Dylan killed in a fake burglary gone wrong. His henchman reminds him to make sure Toni’s out of the house by 5 p.m.
As Marchette’s guys gather weapons, the gang kidnaps Dylan and Toni for their bachelor and bachelorette parties. They unknowingly ruin Marchette’s plans to have Dylan killed that night. The guys go to the Walshes’ and play poker; Brandon vetoed strippers and other debauchery because Dylan’s already done all that stuff. The girls (minus Valerie, plus Susan) go to the beach apartment for cigars and male strippers. Kelly teases Donna about how shocked Felice would be to see her.
Marchette is confused since Toni was supposed to come see him, but he learns that the parties meant the hit had to be called off. Bruno tells him he’s going to drive Toni to the wedding the next day. Brandon and Dylan are the last two awake at the Walshes’, and Brandon wants to make sure Dylan’s watching out for himself because of Marchette. He thinks Dylan and Toni are a great couple. Dylan thanks him for being a good friend.
Ray continues stalking Donna at the apartment, telling her he misses her and her friends. She reminds him that he hated hanging out with the gang when they were dating. She won’t let him in. He tells her she needs to start listening, or he’s going to make her life horrible. (I think that mission has been accomplished, Ray.) Toni thanks Kelly for the party, and Kelly assures her that the gang is her family now. She reveals that she knows Marchette killed Jack. She advises Toni to get far away from Beverly Hills and not look back.
The next morning, Toni reads the note her mother wrote her in the Bible she carried at her wedding. That’s her something old, and Kelly gives her flowers from the gang as her something new. Donna loans her pearls for her something borrowed. Her something blue is a garter from Kelly. Jim and Cindy send Dylan a congratulatory message from Hong Kong, and Dylan jokes that they’re just glad he’s not marrying Brenda. Brenda has also sent a message from London, saying that their love triangle has finally been resolved.
Marchette goes to the beach apartment to try to talk Toni out of the wedding. She won’t listen, so he tells her the marriage was made in Hell and will lead to nothing by misery. “You have made your Hell,” she replies. After Marchette leaves, Bruno comes in and tells Toni he tried to change Marchette’s mind. He volunteers to walk her down the aisle in her father’s place. He takes her to the wedding, where Brandon is the only attendant, and they get married overlooking the ocean.
At the reception, Brandon toasts the newlyweds, who go off alone to talk about Marchette. Neither of them is too upset about it. They go to Dylan’s house for their first night as a married couple, finding it decorated with candles by the gang. Susan goes home with Brandon, who admits that he feels a little lonely, since people keep leaving. She assures him that she’s not planning on going anywhere.
Donna caught the bouquet, and she and Joe think it means her luck is changing. He admits that he almost married his high school sweetheart, but she changed. He thinks things have worked out for the best. Kelly tells Colin that she thought it would be hard to see Dylan marry someone else, but she’s happy for him and Toni.
Dylan and Toni’s first morning as a married couple is interrupted when Nat and Steve arrive with a fancy breakfast for them. Then it’s interrupted again by a call from Marchette, who asks to meet with Dylan. He claims to have a surprise for Toni. (Surprise! You’re a widow!) Dylan wants to ignore him, but Toni tells him to just go and see what he wants. Bruno thinks Marchette is really trying to patch things up. Marchette double-checks his new hit with his henchman, who casually comments to Bruno that Dylan may not be alive much longer.
Bruno immediately tries to call Dylan and Toni, who have taken the phone off the hook for privacy. Toni’s worried about the cat, who she hasn’t seen since the day before. She asks Dylan to go look for her, since it’s getting dark and about to rain. Bruno spends the day trying to call the McKays, eventually calling Brandon and telling him about the hit. Brandon rushes over to the house to warn Dylan.
Dylan has no luck finding the cat, and it’s getting close to the time of his meeting with Marchette, which will be followed by their flight to Hawaii. He sends Toni to meet Marchette while he stays at the house to find Trouble. Brandon gets to the house and warns Dylan not to go to see Marchette. The two of them hurry off to stop Toni. On her way to see her father, Toni’s cut off by a guy who stops in front of her, then shoot her through the window. Dylan and Brandon arrive moments later to find her dead.
Dylan refuses to talk to the police, and in the morning he tells Brandon not to say anything to anyone. Brandon can’t believe he’s going to let Marchette get away with killing Toni like he did with Jack. After Toni is buried, Dylan stays behind in the cemetery to confront Marchette. Marchette tells Dylan that Toni’s death is his fault, then hands him a gun and encourages Dylan to kill him. Dylan almost does, but he says that they’re even now, so they need to stop killing. Dylan goes home to pack and finds Toni’s wedding dress. He opens the door and sees Trouble on the porch.
The rest of the gang gathers at the Peach Pit with Nat, wondering what Dylan will do now. All they know is that bad things happen, and they’ll miss him. Brandon finds Dylan getting ready to leave on his motorcycle with the cat. Dylan isn’t sure if he’ll ever come back to Beverly Hills. He gives Brandon his keys and asks him to lock up the house. Instead of saying goodbye, Brandon says he’ll see Dylan around.
Thoughts: General Hospital did a similar plot to this episode a few months after this one aired – a mobster married the daughter of another mobster, who tried to kill him but accidentally killed his daughter instead. And that plot tangentially involved Vanessa Marcil, who later played Gina on 90210. Everything is connected!
Sadly, this is Luke Perry’s last episode until season 9. I’ll miss you, Dylan!
Yeah, Marchette, I’m sure Toni wouldn’t have been suspicious about Dylan being killed right before their wedding. You should have waited till after and pretended to support the marriage, to look innocent. Plus, she would have inherited Dylan’s money.
If I ever have a bachelorette party, remind me to make sure it’s not at my fiancé’s ex’s place. That’s just weird.
Trivia: Dylan’s middle name is Michael.
Bruno, sweetie? Why didn’t you get in your car and go to the McKays’ house? I blame this on you. And maybe a little on the cat.
July 22, 2013
Summary: Dylan and Toni are looking at real estate in Hawaii, now that they plan to move there. They chat a little about commitment, and he casually mentions that he was thinking about getting married. She says he might as well find out the girl’s feelings about it by asking. She thinks he’s joking around, but Dylan proposes and Toni accepts.
Remember how Donna made the next round of Rose Queen contestants and then never mentioned it again? It’s time for her and the rest of the hopefuls to go to Pasadena for…something. Ray comes by, his arm in a splint from his run-in with Joe, and announces that he started therapy. His therapist wants Donna to come to one of his sessions, even though they’re not together anymore. Clare thinks Donna’s crazy for agreeing; she’s worried Donna will get sucked back in.
Brandon and Susan are at a hotel for some newspaper convention, and plan to use the opportunity to have a romantic time together. Susan turns on the radio and listens to DJs talking about “earthquake weather.” In a pointless scene, Colin tells Kelly how happy he is now that he’s made up with her and taken a new job.
At the Walshes’, Steve and Clare discuss their interesting Halloween night together. She screws up his pinball game so he’ll go upstairs with her. David and Valerie are also at the house but not headed upstairs; Valerie still wants to take things slowly. Well, not that slowly, since she’s ready to have sex that night.
Donna and the other Rose Queens get their pictures taken and are reminded that they have interviews the next day. Donna’s befriended another girl, Lisa who works at a convenience store. They look through pictures of former Rose Queen candidates, and in one, Donna sees someone who she thinks is her mother. Joe comes by, wanting to take Donna to lunch, and she tells him she’s going with Ray to his therapist. Joe’s not thrilled, but he doesn’t try to talk her out of it.
Susan and Brandon head back to their hotel room via elevator. Meanwhile, in Beverly Hills, Steve has another pinball game ruined, this time by an earthquake. The gang rides it out in their various locations, and Colin decides he doesn’t like L.A. so much after all. Brandon and Susan’s elevator gets stuck, and since this is a TV show and the writers have no imagination, they’re in there with a pregnant woman. And her water breaks. Of course.
Donna drives back from Pasadena, listening to the same DJs Clare listened to; they’re now saying there’s no such thing as earthquake weather. She calls her father and tries to ask about Felice, but they don’t have a good phone connection. Bruno calls to check on Toni, and she tells him that she and Dylan are engaged. He’s speechless, which is at least better than how her father will inevitably react.
Kelly and Colin make a grocery run and go to the Walshes’, where Valerie suggests that the whole gang just spend the night. Colin thinks he feels an aftershock and panics. Kelly notes that David and Valerie “seem to be getting along well.” He doesn’t want to fight with her about it since Valerie was there for him at such a rough time.
Donna and Ray meet with his psychiatrist, Dr. Phillips, who tells Donna that they’ve discussed Ray’s abusive father. She asks Ray to leave the room, then warns Donna that because of his lifelong experience with abuse, he’s not going to change quickly. She also thinks he’ll be more successful in therapy if Donna isn’t there. Dr. Phillips continues that Ray is unpredictable, and if Donna spends time with him, she could put herself in danger.
Brandon and Susan’s elevator is going to take a while to get back online, so it looks like they’ll be delivering a baby. Colin’s still anxious about aftershocks and thinks the others are too calm. Clare is somehow turned on and wants to have sex with Steve even though there are a bunch of people in the house.
There’s a paramedic at the hotel who can talk Brandon and Susan through the delivery, which isn’t really a comfort to them. Susan tries to distract the mother, Ellen, by getting her to talk about her family. Donna goes to the Walshes’ after the therapy session and tells everyone about finding Felice’s picture. Dylan and Toni arrive next and announce their engagement. Kelly barely manages to congratulate them without sounding like she’s lying. Nat calls to ask the gang to come to the diner and help out with the dinner crowd.
Back at the hotel, Brandon and Susan deliver the baby, and seconds later the elevator is fixed. At the diner, the gang helps keep things under control. Joe comes by for dinner and tells Donna that he thinks Ray’s using therapy to get her back. She says she needs to give him the benefit of the doubt. Colin babbles about how dangerous the stockroom can be, telling Dylan that he and Toni are smart to move to Hawaii.
Kelly gets Dylan alone and blasts him for being so casual about announcing his engagement. He assures her that he took her feelings into consideration. She wants to know where Toni was when she and Dylan were together in his past life. He reminds her that she chose herself. Kelly wishes she could just hate Toni, but she can’t. Dylan thinks he might have more than one soulmate.
Joe takes Donna home, and guess what? Ray’s there! He came by to check on her and decided to fix a broken window at the apartment. Donna asks him to leave. He does, but first he breaks the window again. Joe decides that Donna should go back to the Walshes’, which is a very good idea.
The next morning, Colin’s calmed down. The radio DJs say the earthquake was an anomaly. (An earthquake in California is an anomaly? Really?) Valerie ribs David for sleeping the previous night instead of doing what they’d planned, but it wasn’t really the best timing. Kelly tells David that their relationship is none of her business, so she’ll keep her mouth shut.
Donna and Kelly are a little giggly over Donna’s new relationship. Kelly’s also proud that Donna is going after the Rose Court. At the hotel, Brandon and Susan discuss the delivery, and how great she felt when the baby was finally out. She’s proud of how well he handled things. So this whole plot was so Susan could realize how awesome Brandon is? Great.
Donna returns to Pasadena for her interview, where she’s asked about helping children fulfill their dreams. She talks about how fragile children can be, such as a certain person she knows who was abused as a child and now abuses others, including her, when he gets angry. Adults need to protect children’s hearts so their souls aren’t harmed. Donna thanks the judging panel for helping fulfill one of her dreams.
Toni and Dylan go to see Marchette, who babbles about his house being unshakable and how he has a lot to protect, blah blah blah earthquake metaphor. He already knows about the engagement, from Bruno, and asks Dylan how he would respond if he were Marchette. Dylan just says he’s not him. Marchette gives Toni a Bible that her mother carried at their wedding.
Donna tells her father that she’s made it to the final round of the Rose Court competition. He didn’t know she was still in the running. Felice joins them, and Donna asks if she didn’t approve of Donna competing because she herself didn’t make the finals. Felice tells her she’s mistaken. After Donna leaves, Felice tells Dr. Martin that she saw the picture. Dr. Martin urges her to tell Donna the truth. Back at Marchette’s, Anthony meets with a thug and puts out a hit on Dylan.
Thoughts: Okay, everyone, the pregnant-woman-stuck-in-an-elevator plot needs to be officially retired.
I like that everyone was kind of casual about the earthquake (other than Colin). They’ve lived in California for years, so it wouldn’t be a big deal for them.
On the other end of the spectrum, the pregnant woman was TOO calm. Two 20-somethings are delivering your baby without any supples! Why aren’t you freaking out?
Whatever, Kelly, you already moved on. Dylan no longer has to worry about your reaction to his engagement.
So after I finished watching this episode, I turned over to Full House (shut up), and they were showing the episode where Stephanie freaks out about an earthquake. With that, this episode, and the two SVH earthquake books, I’m seeing a theme in my life, and it’s not a good one…
July 20, 2013
Summary: Donna wakes up on Halloween morning to find Ray putting pumpkins on the beach apartment porch. He wishes her a happy anniversary, because he still hasn’t accepted that she’s dumped him. He asks her to go to the After Dark’s Halloween party with him, saying he’s just trying to work things out. Things are much happier at Dylan’s house, which is now Dylan and Toni’s house. She’s very excited for Halloween and wants to put up a lot of decorations. A black kitten comes to the door, and though Dylan thinks it’s bad luck, Toni’s happy to have a new pet.
Back at the beach apartment, Clare deals tarot cards to tell her own fortune. One of them is the “lovers” cards, and Kelly and Donna tease that that means her relationship with Steve is going somewhere. On campus, Brandon bugs Susan about her Halloween costume, which she wants to be a surprise. She’ll only tell him that it’s “very feminist.” Shocking! Donna meets Joe, a CU football player who’s a friend of Steve’s. They talk about how the team is on a winning streak, which is making all the players superstitious. He has a crush on her, and she might like him back.
Steve and Clare exposition that nothing happened when they went to the hotel together. She’s also no longer tutoring him. They bicker, and she says she misses getting paid to have to listen to him. She tears up the “lovers” card. Valerie’s stressed getting ready for the party at the After Dark, and annoyed by the presence of a fortune-teller named Madame Raven, since her camper is taking up so many parking spaces. Raven makes a “love potion” at the Peach Pit and reads Valerie’s palm. Val asks Nat to get her to leave, but he says that’s bad luck. Raven offers to tell fortunes at the party. “I’ve already seen my future and you’re not in it,” Valerie replies.
Colin finally finishes the mural at the After Dark, telling Valerie that the payment for it will go straight to his rent. (He’s no longer Claudia’s sugar baby, remember.) Raven sets up a tent outside the After Dark and uses a crystal ball to look into David’s life. She tells him a soulmate is coming his way. David thinks that’s Valerie, but Raven says there’s some uncertainty about that. Oh, but the crystal ball is cloudy now, so she can’t tell him anything else. She gives him some of the love potion instead.
Colin goes by the beach apartment, where Kelly’s carving one of Ray’s pumpkins. She bugs him about getting a job, but he uses that old excuse of how working for money isn’t being an artist. He asks her to come to the unveiling of the mural that night. She’ll “consider considering it.” Dylan and Toni tend to their flea-ridden kitten, named Trouble, who scratches Toni. (Well, what did she expect, with a name like Trouble?) When she goes to get the first-aid kit, she finds Dylan’s gun inside. He tells her it’s just for protection in case Marchette comes after him. Toni orders him to get rid of it.
At the Peach Pit, Donna tells Ray that she wants to spend time with other people at the party, and she doesn’t want him to get upset. Ray interprets this as meaning that she has a date. She tells him that she’s willing to go to the party with him as a friend, but she needs space. He says fine, but he’s still determined to win her back. Bruno visits Toni at Dylan’s house and tells her that Marchette wants to meet with her. Dylan comes home and kicks Bruno out. Toni thinks Marchette wants to see her so he can declare a truce.
As Brandon and Susan arrive at the After Dark, Raven splashes Susan with water, saying she didn’t know Susan was there. Brandon questions her skills as a psychic. Raven sees that Susan has a letter from someone named Jonathan in Seattle and uses the information to get Susan to do a reading. Susan admits that Jonathan makes her wonder if she and Brandon should be together. Toni agrees to meet Marchette at the Peach Pit, where he tries to convince her to come home. She asks him straight out if he killed Jack. Marchette says no, but won’t answer when she asks if he had someone else kill Jack. It’s pretty clear what the answer is.
The party starts, and Brandon (dressed as the Godfather) tries to convince Susan (Pocahontas) to get her fortune told. Ray puts on a creepy mask so he can stalk his ex. Brandon and Susan visit Raven, who tells them someone is in the way of their relationship. No, wait, not someone – something, specifically truth. “Five bucks for her to tell me you’re not Pocahontas,” Brandon laments. Susan decides to tell Brandon the truth – she dated Jonathan, the previous editor of the Condor. He’s the reason she became so anti-workplace romance. Brandon doesn’t seem worried.
Valerie (a cavewoman, I think) introduces Colin (a cowboy) for the unveiling of his mural. He’s down because Kelly isn’t there, but he spots her just as the mural is revealed. Also, she’s dressed as a cowgirl. The mural is…weird. The Cramps perform as Kelly learns that Colin planned his costume after he got Kelly’s out of Donna. They seem to be okay now. Dylan hands out candy at the house while Toni mopes. He tells her to stop blaming herself for things Marchette did, and to let it go. He tries to cheer her up by getting her back in the Halloween spirit.
David (a caveman, so I guess I was right about Valerie’s costume) puts love potion in some drinks, then chats with Clare (Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie) and Steve, who looks like Major Nelson from I Dream of Jeannie but insists he’s an Apollo 13 astronaut in his dress uniform. The drinks get mixed up, and Steve and Clare get the ones with the love potion in them. Ray sees Donna and Joe (a pirate, though it’s hard to tell) dancing and yells at his ex. He warns Joe that she’ll tear his heart out.
Steve and Clare start feeling weird, so they decide to go to a dressing room to cool down (which I guess is what the kids are calling it these days). Colin collects his payment from Valerie and tells Kelly he can’t use his money for expensive, pretty things now. He’s decided to take a teaching-assistant position at CU. The love potion does its thing on Steve and Clare, or maybe they’re just driven to lust by their semi-hatred of each other.
Joe takes Donna home, then tells her that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for them to get involved, considering how Ray reacted to seeing them together. After he leaves, Donna finds out that Ray has been lurking on the porch, eavesdropping. He calls her a slut and tells her they belong together. He grabs her arm, but Joe comes back and shoves him around to give him a taste of his own medicine. Joe hangs around to keep Donna company, telling her he came back because he changed his mind about holding off on pursuing something. They kiss. Valerie and David kiss, too, and he admits that he slipped her some love potion. She tells him she doesn’t believe in that stuff. Raven watches them, thinking she contributed to their happiness.
At the Peach Pit the next day, Steve tells Valerie and David that he and Clare hooked up the night before. Valerie thinks it’s because of the love potion. Nat tells Brandon and Susan that Raven disappeared without paying her bill. A cop shows up looking for her, telling the group that Raven sells a bogus love potion. Everyone denies having seen her. Nat still has a bottle of the potion but won’t sell it to Steve.
Dylan takes Toni to the spot where his father died, wanting to see it one more time before he lets it go. He tells her they need to leave Beverly Hills. She wants to go somewhere with nice weather and scenery, so he suggests Hawaii. Toni wonders if Dylan can really let go of what happened to Jack. In response, he throws his gun in the water.
Thoughts: Two minutes in and Joe is already 80 times more likable than Ray.
A gun in a first-aid kit? Was that just the first place Dylan could think of to stash it? How weird.
Seeing Dylan with cat toys makes me go, “Awwwww!” What’s wrong with me?
Dylan to a trick-or-treater dressed as a prisoner: “You shoulda had a better lawyer.” Hee.
July 14, 2013
Summary: Dylan tries to give Bruno a letter to give to Toni, explaining his side of things that happened in “Speechless.” Bruno asks which is more important to him: love or vengeance? Would he rather destroy Marchette or keep seeing Toni? In a class about advertising, a professor uses Valerie as an example of the kind of sexy woman who would be ideal to attract male customers. Susan objects to the exploitation of women, but Professor Haywood reminds her that sex sells.
After class, Val approaches Haywood to ask a question, and Susan taunts that she could get a better grade if she showed some cleavage. Shut up, Susan. Valerie chats with Haywood about her midterm, which he assures her she did well on. She tells him she loves his class, so he invites her to a lecture he’ll be giving to some executives at a hotel that afternoon. Oh, and by the way, he likes the way she smells.
Donna tells Clare that she’s arranged a meeting with Ray so she can return something of his. Clare spots Steve and tries to avoid him, even though they’re supposedly dating. He wants to get a hotel room, but she wants a different kind of relationship than he does. Even as a virgin, Donna knows that sex makes relationships way more difficult. Bruno gives Toni Dylan’s letter, which tells her that he cares for her no matter how things are with her father. He thinks she deserves better than him.
At the Peach Pit, Steve discusses hotel options with Brandon, despite being nervous about spending the night with Clare. Kelly stops in to make sure the guys are coming to Colin’s art show. Speaking of which, he’s setting it up while Claudia questions his relationship with Kelly. But it’s because of his work, not because she wants him or anything. That’s crazy talk!
After Haywood’s lecture, he invites Valerie to get a drink in the hotel bar. He reveals that he’s a widower, and Val reminds him of his late wife. They have a seemingly innocent conversation, but then he invites her up to his room. Valerie protests, especially when he puts a hand on her leg. She makes it clear that she likes his class but has no interest in him.
Clare and Steve try to cook dinner, but he screws up the spaghetti and she burns the bread. They agree to go to a hotel the next night. Valerie arrives at home as they’re sitting down with Susan and Brandon, and the four of them immediately see that Val is upset. She won’t talk about what happened.
Donna and Ray meet up at the After Dark, and he tries to guilt her into reconciling because not being with her makes it hard for him to be musical. She tells him to get help for his violence issues. He remarks that since she built him up, it makes sense that now she would tear him down. Bruno shows up at Dylan’s to give him a message from Toni asking him to meet her the next day. He tells Dylan this will be the last note he delivers.
The next day, Dylan and Toni meet up, and she tells him she’s not going to listen to his father, who forbade her from seeing him. Bruno is on their side, at least temporarily since Marchette is going out of town and can’t yell at him. Toni begs Dylan to stop hating Marchette, which is kind of a ridiculous request of someone whose father is dead because of the guy. But whatever, Dylan’s a sucker for a needy girl, so he agrees.
Bruno drives Marchette to the airport, resisting taking him by CU to see Toni. At the beach apartment, Kelly tells Donna about her concerns over how close Claudia is with Colin. Donna warns her not to trust guys because they all cheat – and “some cheat and beat.” She admits that Ray abused her but promises that they’re done. She didn’t say anything because she thought it would stop, and she didn’t want Kelly to hate him. Now that Donna’s dumped him, she feels stronger.
Dylan and Toni spot Marchette arriving at CU, and he orders her to get in his car. Dylan announces that he loves Toni. Marchette says he can’t have her, then tells Toni to either get in the car or find a new place to live. Toni chooses the second option. Haywood gives Valerie’s class back their midterms, and Val, David, and Susan are shocked to see that Val got a D. She confronts Haywood over giving her the grade after gushing over her paper. Susan snarks that being nice to the professor didn’t work out the way Valerie had planned.
Steve checks out his and Clare’s hotel room ahead of time to make sure everything’s perfect. In a closet he finds a bag from a place called the Pleasure Hut. He thinks Clare bought the handcuffs inside it. Valerie tells Susan and David what happened with Haywood, and Susan, now sorry for her remarks, assures Val that she didn’t do anything wrong. She and David encourage Valerie to report Haywood for sexual harassment. Valerie reluctantly agrees, but she thinks she’ll come off looking bad.
Valerie reports Haywood to someone in CU’s ethics office. The administrator promises to start an investigation, but she wants to know why Valerie would meet with Haywood off campus. Some of her friends will need to be questioned. Kelly goes to Colin’s before the show, but Claudia’s there and keeps her out of the studio. “You can borrow Colin, but I own him,” she says. Kelly’s surprised because she thought Claudia was married. Claudia tells her she likes to see younger guys on the side.
Kelly’s late for the show, which Steve wants to ditch early to get to the hotel. Clare tells him she left a surprise in the room, and he says he found it, which of course means that they’re talking about two different things. Colin tries to call Kelly, but Claudia says she’s not coming, since she told Kelly about the two of them. Colin leaves to go find her.
Clare and Steve head to the Bel Age and he retrieves the handcuffs from the closet. Except Clare’s surprise is a test Steve got an A on. Steve would prefer the handcuffs. Each thinks the other bought them, and Clare’s so disgusted that she starts to leave. Steve remarks that he knows she’s used handcuffs before. (Nice one, Steve!)
Brandon goes to get Susan for the show, but she’s in the middle of investigating Haywood, who’s harassed more people than just Valerie. Brandon offers to help make some calls, especially if it means not going to his ex’s new boyfriend’s show. Later, Brandon calls Valerie in David’s room and advises her to go on the record with her story, since there’s a lot more to it. She tells him he and Susan can do what they want, but she doesn’t want to be a part of it.
David questions Valerie’s decision; she’s tough, so she can handle the situation. He’ll stand by her no matter what. She asks him not to get impatient if she asks to take their relationship slowly. Colin finds Kelly at the beach apartment and tells her he made a deal with Claudia for his career (she pays his bills so he can just paint). He plans to end the deal and get a job so he can support himself. Kelly says he’s a whore, and she would respect him more if he were a janitor. She goes back inside, but soon hears something on the porch: Colin’s sweeping.
Valerie goes to Haywood in the hopes of making peace and working out her grade. But he’s not interested since he knows the Condor has picked up the story and he’s being investigated by the ethics office. Valerie swears that she has nothing to do with the story. Haywood promises to ruin her, then blames her for his actions, since she kept wearing skimpy clothing and turning him on. “You are going to be humiliated,” he vows.
Valerie heads straight to the Condor office to give Susan an interview. Brandon and Susan have already worked out the rest of it – they’ve gotten a ton of Haywood’s former students to come forward about his harassment. The school is going to demand the professor’s resignation. Toni’s staying with Dylan, but she’s upset because of how things are with her father. She knows things are never going to be the same. Dylan promises never to let anyone or anything hurt her. (Foreshadowing!)
Thoughts: First Lucinda, now Haywood. What’s with CU professors wanting to hook up with students? Oh, and Dan was Andrea’s TA! Sheesh, the authority figures at this school are terrible!
Ugh, now Susan’s annoying. Why aren’t TV feminists ever normal people?
So Bruno is the apothecary from Romeo and Juliet now? Because that ended well.
Dylan’s suit illness is back – he wears a button-down shirt and a vest to his library rendezvous with Toni.
Valerie asking David to take things slowly is kind of funny, considering he was willing to date Donna for years without having sex. I think he’s okay with things moving slowly, Val.
July 8, 2013
Summary: Ray plays his last set at the After Dark before going off to record his album. Kelly, Donna, and Clare plan to spend the weekend at a spa, but Clare and Donna have a surprise for Kelly. Steve has found a director who wants to make a movie at the Walshes’ house. Valerie’s invited on the girls’ road trip, even though I don’t think any of them actually like her. Clare makes a good point that if they left her behind, she’d have a chance to be alone with Colin.
David visits Valerie while she’s packing, and he’s as surprised as I am that she was invited on the trip. She admits that she invited herself in an attempt to patch things up with Kelly. David thanks her for helping him out when he was depressed, and they end up kissing. Toni’s been avoiding Dylan for a few days, so he takes her a teddy bear as a peace offering. She confronts him for snooping in Marchette’s study during the dinner party. She wants him to respect her father and their home.
The road trippers head off toward the spa, taking a shortcut Clare knows about. They have slumber party-like conversations, and Kelly admits that her favorite sex romp was with Dylan. She asks Valerie about her favorite kiss, and Val says it was with David, just that morning. Donna doesn’t want details. Steve, David, and Ray get the Walshes’ house ready for the movie, which Steve confides is a porno. Unsurprisingly, he hasn’t told Brandon this yet.
Brandon wants to hang out with Susan, who doesn’t get why he’s so insistent that she come over to his house. She reveals that she has to go play bridge with a great-aunt and didn’t want to admit it because it’s so uncool. Speaking of cool, Kelly thinks Barry White is. Donna’s uncomfortable with all the sex talk.
Kelly and Clare rib Valerie about her multiple partners, and Val takes offense. She also calls Donna about sulking over her kiss with David when Clare dated him for months. Donna asks Val to come clean about her activities with Ray. Valerie admits that they slept together, and that Clare knew. Clare makes excuses, saying she thought David would tell Donna. Now Donna’s really upset. The girls decide to stop talking to Valerie for rest of the trip.
Something’s wrong with the car (of course – it’s a road trip), so the girls are stranded, but only briefly. A nun drives up and offers to help them. The movie crew arrives at the Walshes’ house, and there may be a role for Steve. David and Ray urge him to tell Brandon what’s going on. They laugh over the name of the movie, Topless Pizza Party 3. Toni wants Dylan to have dinner with her and Marchette that night. She’s amazed that Marchette said he knew Dylan’s father.
The nun drives the girls to her convent so they can spend the night in the guest quarters and a nun can fix their car. Kelly’s mad because Clare took a shortcut that led them the wrong way, and now they’re not near the spa. Valerie brings up Ray, asking how long the other girls are going to harp on the affair. She reminds Kelly that she had an affair with Dylan when he was dating Brenda. The nun informs the girls that they’re not allowed to talk from sunset to sunrise.
Steve is having the time of his life on the porn set. Brandon comes home just in time for the director to ask Steve to pick one of his friends to play a pizza delivery guy. Brandon wants the part, then quickly sees exactly what kind of movie is being filmed. He wants to call off the shoot, but Steve reminds him that he signed a contract.
Quiet time has begun at the convent, which makes things difficult when Colin calls Kelly. He’s about to go to dinner with his art dealer, Claudia, who is waaaaaaay too into handling her client, if you know what I mean. The nuns and their guests have a very quiet meal, and we get to hear their thoughts about how much they hate each other (the guests, not the nuns). “I wonder if any of them are virgins,” the rescuing nun thinks. Donna kind of wishes she lived there.
Steve and his ridiculous fake mustache get ready for their screen debut as the pizza delivery guy. He hams it up, then accidentally spills hot pizza on himself. The director loves him. Susan shows up after all, and Brandon tries to rush her back out the door, but it’s too late. Then she’s only too happy to show herself out the door. The director offers to give her a role as a nurse. Brandon tears up the contract and kicks out the crew.
Dylan, Toni, and Toni’s gigantic hair pass the time waiting for Marchette at dinner by discussing the fact that Dylan’s father was murdered. She’s surprised that her dad is late. Brandon chases after Susan to tell her that he had no idea the movie was going to be a porno. Susan doesn’t think that makes things better; after all, he’s living with a pervert who also cheated on a math placement test. Right now Brandon would rather hang out with that pervert than Susan, but they soon make up.
The girls try to sleep at the convent, but their thoughts keep them awake. Kelly realizes that she’s no better than Valerie – she’s slept with her best friend’s boyfriend and her boyfriend’s best friend. Valerie prays for friends, as well as for Donna to get a clue about Ray being a jerk. Donna asks for blessings for her loved ones, “even Valerie, the witch.” Clare just wants out.
As Brandon and Susan prepare to make their own porno, Toni and Dylan finish dinner, which Marchette never showed up to. When Toni leaves to take a phone call she thinks is from her father, he arrives and tells Dylan he never planned to have dinner with Jack McKay’s son. He thought the incident in the tram would have made Dylan stay away.
Dylan announces that he has information on Jack’s murder in a safe-deposit box, and he’s not afraid to use it. Marchette threatens to have him killed if he keeps hanging around Toni. One of his henchmen pulls a gun, but Dylan is ready with his own weapon. He tells Marchette that he was planning on telling Toni that her father killed his father. He vows to keep doing what he’s doing until Marchette pays for killing Jack.
The quiet period is over, and Donna tells the rescuing nun that she had a dream about joining the convent. She’s frustrated that another guy has let her down. The nun doesn’t think she’s been called to become a nun, but she doesn’t have to have a calling to maintain her faith. She needs to work on forgiveness.
Brandon wakes up alone (Susan went for a run) and unknowingly passes her test by making the bed. The girls’ car is fixed, and everyone’s on speaking terms again. Valerie advises Donna to make sure Ray’s worth it before she makes up with him. She can’t forget seeing him push her in Palm Springs, and she doesn’t want Donna to forget either.
Toni goes to Dylan’s house, having been told by Marchette that he’s been using her as part of a vendetta. Dylan admits that things started out that way, but now he’s really in love. He tells her that he’s sure Marchette killed Jack. Toni says that Marchette warned that Dylan would try to turn her against her father. She knows her father would never murder someone.
Claudia’s annoyed that Colin’s working on the mural at the After Dark when he’s supposed to be mounting a show soon. Kelly meets Claudia and is blissfully unaware of how close she and Colin are. Donna confronts Ray about his affair with Valerie, telling him that they’re friends now. She breaks up with Ray, making it clear that she’s not afraid of him hurting her. She’s willing to forgive Valerie, but not Ray. He tells her she’ll regret this, but Donna says her only regret is waiting this long to get rid of him.
Thoughts: A five-hour road trip to a spa? There aren’t any spas in Beverly Hills?
I had to laugh at Ray and David watching the movie crew and giggling to themselves.
The idea of a nun fixing the car made me think of The Sound of Music, though the nuns in that movie were…definitely not fixing that car.
Somehow I’m surprised that this is the first porno Steve’s appeared in.
June 30, 2013
Summary: Dylan uses an electronic typewriter (no joke) to type a letter to the FBI in case he dies while investigating Marchette. Toni shows up unexpectedly, having skipped class to take him to the beach. Kelly and Donna go to a meeting about the Tournament of Roses Royal Court; Kelly thinks Donna only wants to participate because she’s a “sucker for tiaras.” Susan is also there, because of course she’s writing an editorial about why the court is stupid. Brandon teases her about it.
Later, Donna goes with Ray to meet with the record exec who’s supposed to be signing him, but the meeting gets rescheduled. The exec also doesn’t want to listen to Ray’s tape. Fortunately, his daughter (the one who drives all his decisions) is now in love with Ray. At the Walshes’, Steve chats with a girl on CU’s message boards, telling her he’s sensitive and gentle and all that crap. He encourages Brandon to try it out, but we all know Brandon’s already met his next conquest.
David hangs out with his mom, who really doesn’t want him to leave, even to go study. Dylan does his math homework at the Peach Pit, where Willie proves to be a math whiz. Clare’s tutoring sessions don’t seem to be working out. Clare sits with Kelly, Donna, and Valerie, who have all (except Val) decided to try out for the Rose Court. Kelly wants to go to the Rose Court ball with Colin, so Valerie offers to give him the night off. She ends up helping him with his mural, offering her services for the weekend.
Donna and Felice get manicures, and Donna shares that she’s trying out for the Rose Court. Felice doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Donna sees this as criticism, and Felice’s way of saying she’s not good enough to make it. Dylan invites Toni out for a motorcycle ride, so she ditches her schoolwork for him again. They’re followed by her bodyguard, Bruno. Val goes to the Rose Court tryouts anyway, lying to Kelly that she tried to get Colin to take the night off for the ball, but he said no.
Susan snarks about the process while Brandon tells her she likes being critical too much, and she comes across as elitist. Dylan and Toni go for a ride, trying to lose Bruno. Either the bike is faster than Bruno’s car or Bruno sucks at his job. The Rose Court hopefuls tour some house and see the tiaras worn by previous Rose Queens. (Donna used to make her own for her Barbies.) Val notes that there are only seven slots on the Rose Court, so Donna has little chance of making it. Valerie decides she’s had enough of the process and leaves.
Donna goes before the judges, one of whom calls her “lovely.” Having successfully ditched Bruno, Toni announces that she wants to drive Dylan’s bike. For some reason, he lets her, even though she doesn’t know where anything is. Except she’s lying, because she does know how to drive a motorcycle. This is the dumbest scene ever. They make out for, like, an hour while Bruno watches them.
Kelly asks Colin about the ball, but he doesn’t want to go. She turns to David, who decides this is a great excuse to get out of hanging out with Sheila again. Clare struggles through another tutoring session with Steve, then asks him to go to the ball with her. Brandon bugs Dylan about Toni, having predicted that he would fall in love with her. Dylan gives him the key to a safety deposit box in case something happens to him.
Brandon and Dylan get a look at the message Steve is writing his new cyber-girlfriend. Awesomely, it starts with “Dear Cuddles.” He plans to meet her after the ball. Also going to the ball: Susan, who agrees to accompany Brandon. Donna makes the Rose Court, but she’s upset that Felice isn’t happy about it. Kelly tells her it doesn’t matter what her mother thinks, and that their friends support her. Ray makes things worse by telling Donna he can’t go to the ball; he has to play at the record exec’s daughter’s birthday party if he wants a deal.
Valerie “helps” Colin with the mural, though I don’t think she actually does anything useful. They’re done faster than expected, so he suggests another activity they can do. Donna mopes at the birthday party while Ray accompanies a game of musical chairs. At the ball, Brandon suggests that he and Susan get their picture taken (this thing is basically like a prom) and run it with their editorial about the Rose Court. The photographer thinks they’re dating. At least they’re having fun, unlike Steve and Clare.
David and Kelly dance, but fortunately, the band is playing swing music, so David isn’t as dorky as usual. Susan accuses Brandon of staring at his ex. Colin and Valerie arrive, and how did they get tickets? Val notes that Kelly doesn’t seem too upset to be at the ball without her boyfriend. She is upset, however, at seeing Valerie there with Colin. Val swears that she didn’t intend to make Kelly mad; she and Colin thought Kelly would be happy to have Colin come. Colin backs this up but asks Kelly to apologize to Valerie. But first, making out!
Steve and Clare both ditch the ball early, followed by Brandon and Susan, who have to go work on their story. (Not a euphemism.) David offers Valerie a ride home if she’s okay with stopping by his mother’s place first. Toni goes back to Dylan’s for more making out. Susan, Brandon, and their sexual tension work on the story, and he tells her she’s a good editor. He tries to fish for a compliment in return, but she can’t think of one. Then she tells him he has good lips, and they make out.
Donna and Ray make it to the ball just in time for the last dance of the evening. He thinks she’ll be crowned Rose Princess, and she thinks he’ll become a rock star. Steve goes to the Peach Pit to meet his cyber-girlfriend, who turns out to be Clare. Neither of them is happy, but Nat thinks it’s hilarious. They decide to have coffee anyway. On their way home, David and Valerie stop by Sheila’s apartment and see ambulances and police cars outside. Sheila’s taken away by paramedics, having attempted suicide.
Thoughts: I’m not really a girly girl, but I completely support Donna’s love of tiaras.
Steve: “You get more honey with flies.” Brandon: “Can’t argue with logic like that.” Hee.
I’m still not seeing any appeal with Colin, and especially not so much that two girls would want him. He’s beyond dull.
If you didn’t see it coming that Clare was Steve’s cyber-girlfriend, congratulations on being born yesterday.