December 1, 2013

BH90210 6.32, You Say It’s Your Birthday, Part 2: Long Way Down

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 12:36 pm by Jenn

Yay! (Oh, shut up)

Yay! (Oh, shut up)

Summary: Steve has just told Brandon about Prince Carl’s plan to make Clare choose between the two of them. I still don’t get why Steve didn’t just punch Carl in the face. Anyway, it’s time for the main event of the party weekend: a performance by the Goo Goo Dolls. They do “Long Way Down,” and the show gets to kill a few minutes. Meanwhile, Colin makes his final preparations before he hops a freighter to flee the country the next morning.

More Goo Goo Dolls, and now Eric the music guy has moved on to hitting on Andrea. Ballen briefly checks in with Valerie, who’s still about two seconds from jumping him. Susan leaves to make a phone call, and Brandon decides to take advantage of an empty room to go with her. She wants to give the people in D.C. her answer again. Andrea notices that Brandon is a little down and questions him. He’s all, “Women problems, amirite?” Shut up, Brandon.

Even more Goo Goo Dolls. Steve and Clare dance until Carl cuts in to tell Clare that he’s in love with her. He and Steve made “an agreement between gentlemen” to let her choose who she wants to be with. Clare takes offense and immediately blasts Steve for not seeing their relationship as something serious. He says he wanted to be fair, but she doesn’t want to be with him if he was willing to let Carl take her. Carl arrives, and finally, Steve punches him in the face. Clare’s upset, but shouldn’t she also be mad at Carl for interfering in her relationship?

Brandon goes to get Susan after she makes her phone call, quickly figuring out that she accepted the job in D.C. He’s justifiably mad because he turned down the job in Boston so they could spend the summer together. But whatever, he’s still a jerk. Eric flirts with Andrea some more, saying he’d like to offer her a job. She tells him she has a husband and a daughter, and isn’t interested in working for him since she wants to go to medical school. He doesn’t get the hint. Donna’s a little tipsy and invites David up to the deck for a walk.

Steve and Brandon complain about their wimmin, deciding to go to a bar to drink their problems away. David and Donna get drunker and consider making out. The moment passes, and instead, Donna pours her champagne over David’s head, just for the heck of it. Clare tends to Carl and his broken nose, admitting that she’s not sure what to do about her relationship. She asks if he threw the party for Steve so he could get closer to her. Carl’s still stuck on what Clare’s mom once said about the two of them getting married one day. He kisses her, but she leaves.

Valerie tells Nat that Colin might be hopping a freighter the next day, and Ballen is getting men in place to try to stop him. Little do they know that Colin is currently in the same strip club where Steve and Brandon have decided to get drunk. A guy complains about Steve and Brandon’s complaining, and after some squabbling, things almost get physical. Steve gets beaten up, and when other patrons join the fight, a stripper asks someone to call the police. In the middle of the chaos, Colin tries to run out, but Brandon spots him. He and Steve set off after Colin.

David and Donna wander back to one of their rooms, talking drunkenly about their former relationship. She admits that she still liked him even after he cheated. He’s sober enough to realize that they probably shouldn’t be sharing a bed right now. I guess Brandon and Steve didn’t catch Colin, because the next morning, they’re being let out of jail, having been arrested for the bar fight. Valerie and Kelly are also at the police station, and Ballen tells them that Colin didn’t board the freighter. He sends everyone back to the Queen Mary.

Colin learns of another freighter he can take, but he’ll have to pay another $10,000 to get on it. On the way back to the yacht, Steve spots him, and he and Brandon chase Colin again, this time through a shipyard. This goes on for, like, five minutes, and Valerie and Kelly help box Colin in. He ends up on the roof with Steve and Brandon, and police outside the building. So yay, this storyline is finally over! Even Valerie’s done with this doof. Ballen’s so happy that he invites Valerie to dinner. She and Kelly are civil to each other again, but I’m sure that won’t last.

Everyone heads back to the Queen Mary, arriving just as Andrea’s about to leave. Kelly comments that Brandon’s having a tough time, and Steve says they all are. Donna and David disagree. Brandon finds Susan staring out at the water moodily, and is the exact opposite of sympathetic or compassionate or warm. She urges him to come to D.C. with her, but he’s already decided to be a jerk, and he can’t change that now. (Yeah, yeah, double standard – I bet she would have been supportive if he’d taken the job in Boston. He’s being a whiny baby.)

Steve goes to find Clare, who spent the whole night trying to figure out what to do. She tells Carl that despite the problems she and Steve sometimes have, she wants to be with him. She wants them all to stay friends, though. Carl brings up what Clare’s mom said AGAIN, but Clare says that Steve is her prince. Said prince finds them together and blasts Carl for trying to move in on the woman he loves. Carl gracefully bows out, assuring Steve that he has nothing to be jealous about.

Remember how Joan’s been sick all weekend? She’s pregnant. She and Nat decide that Brandon should be the first to know…that they’re getting married. “We are?” Joan asks. Ballen goes to the After Dark with Valerie and tells her that he’s applying for a job in L.A. They finally kiss, but I’m pretty sure he never makes another appearance, so that was kind of a waste of chemistry. At the beach apartment, Donna and David wonder if it would be a mistake to get back together. They still love each other, so they decide to give it a shot.

Kelly drops by the Walshes’, because now that she and Brandon are both single, the show has to tease us that they might get back together. Kelly reports that Dylan and Brenda are living together, which Brandon already knew. She wonders if she and Brandon might someday have another chance, because she’d like one. No, Kelly, no!

Brandon’s still mad about her choosing herself instead of deciding between him and Dylan, but she points out that choosing one of them would have ruined their friendships. Brandon tells her that they shouldn’t rush into anything. Thank God! Kelly leaves, and Valerie comes in to ask if Brandon’s getting back together with her. He says no, but if Dylan and Brenda could find each other, anything can happen. (Huh?) “Not if I can help it,” Valerie says. But is she talking about Brandon or Dylan? I’m confused. No, wait, I don’t care.

Thoughts: You guys, I want David and Donna together and I’m not going to apologize for it.

Valerie and Ballen have more chemistry after two episodes than Brandon and Susan have had all season.

I’m just going to say that Julie Parrish (Joan) was 56 when this episode aired. And that’s all I’m going to say.

Six seasons down, four to go! Why is Brandon not gone yet?

November 24, 2013

BH90210 6.31, You Say It’s Your Birthday, Part 1: Escape Routes

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , at 2:52 pm by Jenn

I want this cake for my birthday. I don't mean one with me in a car. I want this exact cake

I want this cake for my birthday. I don’t mean one with me in a car. I want this exact cake

Summary: Nat asks Valerie for a Colin update, but she doesn’t have any information. They have six days to find him or they’ll lose the Peach Pit and the After Dark. Valerie’s trying to get in touch with Jonesy to see if he can help. Kelly isn’t sympathetic to her problems; Val deserves what she’s getting for moving in on Colin. At a strip club, Colin meets up with a guy who can get him out of the country on a freighter in three days.

Susan packs up her office at the Condor in preparation for handing the paper over to someone else for the summer. She and Brandon plan to take a two-month road trip. There’s exposition about Steve’s upcoming birthday party, which will take place on the Queen Mary with lots of CU students in attendance. Yes, Prince Carl is paying for everything. Colin calls Claudia to try to get money that she supposedly owes him from their broken contract. Steve wants to help set up for his party, since it’s the least he can do to repay Carl. Clare warns that Carl will want a favor in return someday.

Kelly hangs out at the Walshes’, telling Brandon she’s not taking a date to Long Beach for the party. She plans to give Steve a bronzed pair of his own sneakers. (What?) After Kelly leaves, Valerie complains to Brandon that Kelly’s enjoying her Colin-related struggles too much. Jonesy calls her back to let her know that he’s out of the country but is going to send someone to help her out. By the way, he’s also tracked down Dylan – he’s in London. Brandon reveals that he’s probably not with Brenda, since she’s in Scotland, so Val may not be able to rub that in Kelly’s face.

Donna and David go to a meeting at MZA, where even their manager knows about Steve’s party. (Finally, the manager gets a name: Eric.) Donna offers to bring him along. David thinks Eric likes her, but Donna says he just wants to go hear the Goo Goo Dolls, who are playing at the party. Later, David finds their picture in Billboard magazine and decides they need to spend part of the weekend working, since they’re big deals now. Just before they leave for Long Beach, they get a package from Dylan with a birthday letter for Steve. Donna decides not to tell Kelly that it was sent from Brenda’s address in London.

On the Queen Mary, Eric makes sure his room is near Donna’s, so it looks like David’s right about him. Nat brings Joan along, even though she doesn’t feel well. Susan gets a phone message from D.C. but tries to make Brandon think it’s not a big deal that she’s getting calls from a woman who’s working on the president’s reelection campaign. Jonesy’s guy, FBI agent Richard Ballen, meets Valerie on the boat and assures her that he’ll find Colin.

Carl tells Susan that their mothers were on the Queen Mary‘s last trans-Atlantic crossing together. He can show her a picture after he finds it at home, and probably after she agrees to come visit him and sleep in his bed and marry him. Clare and Steve disagree over the fact that Carl’s making them come to a polo match, even though it’s Steve’s birthday. (Steve’s fine with it, but Clare thinks it’s dumb.) Valerie introduces Kelly to Ballen, and she manages to be helpful by mentioning that Colin might have gotten in touch with Claudia. Val just smirks because Colin was sleeping with Claudia while he was dating Kelly.

David advises Eric not to go after Donna too aggressively, since she just got out of a relationship. Eric interprets this to mean that David doesn’t think Donna likes Eric like that. Just as Eric goes to Donna’s room with champagne and a private dinner invitation, David calls to give her an excuse to leave. Donna’s grateful but invites Eric to dine with the gang anyway. Brandon makes a toast to Steve before David and Donna present Steve with a video highlighting moments from his life. It includes a message from Cindy and Jim, which is really sweet.

After Donna reads Dylan’s letter to Steve on the video, various people sing “Happy Birthday,” including Rush, Samantha, Ryan, Austin, Ms. Teasley, and Andrea. Then Andrea makes a surprise appearance in person. There’s drinking and dancing, and Carl heads off to find a missing Clare. Kelly asks David when he talked to Dylan, and he tells her they got the letter just before they left. He’s in London, and they decided not to tell her because she might get upset. Kelly says she’s not, and it was nice to hear from Dylan.

David spots Donna dancing with Eric and pays someone to call Eric away for a phone call. Donna appreciates the gesture. Valerie mopes by herself, but Ballen has good news: He got in touch with someone who recently spoke to Colin, and it sounds like Colin’s still in L.A. Joan still doesn’t feel well, so she and Nat call it an early night. Brandon asks Susan about the call from D.C., which she hasn’t heard more about yet.

Clare returns to the party, so I guess Carl didn’t try to seduce her while they were alone. Steve gets super-drunk, and Clare and Carl have to help him to bed. Carl tries to make his move (on Clare, not Steve, which would at least be interesting), but she’d rather stay with Steve. Eric wants alone time with Donna again, so she finally pulls out her trump card in hopes of getting him to back off: She tells him she’s a virgin. Eric immediately turns his attention to Kelly instead.

At breakfast the next morning, Andrea shows Kelly some pictures of Hannah, and they talk about how difficult the last year was for Kelly. Susan gets a fax from D.C. telling her that she’s been chosen to work on the ’96 campaign. Kelly now can’t get Eric to leave her alone, so Donna advises her to say she’s a virgin, too: “Worked for me!” Valerie invites Ballen to come with the gang to Carl’s polo match. Ballen’s trying to keep his distance, probably because that’s the only way he can keep from jumping Val’s bones, but she makes him come along.

Carl plays polo. It’s boring. Eric finds someone else to bug, though Kelly notes that they still have to spend the whole weekend together. Susan tells Brandon that she’s been offered a job as a youth advisor on Clinton’s campaign, but she’d have to drop out of school and start during the summer, so she’s not taking it. She doesn’t seem that confident that she’s made the right decision, though. More poloing. Steve tells Clare that Carl was in a bad mood earlier, and he wonders if something happened after he went to bed.

After the game, the gang has brunch together, and Steve toasts Carl. Ballen learns that Colin called Claudia from a harbor, so it stands to reason that he’s hanging around there with plans to hop a freighter. Eric asks Kelly out, but she tells him she’s a recovering addict whose last boyfriend is on the lam, so she’s not in a good place to date him right now. He doesn’t take the hint and puts his hand on her leg. Kelly forces him to get the hint by stabbing him in the leg with her fork.

Carl tells Steve straight out that he’s in love with Clare and wants the chance to tell her. Since Steve’s been downplaying their relationship, he thinks it’s reasonable. Basically, Clare gets to choose between the two of them. For some reason, Steve doesn’t punch him in the nose and tell him to back off.

Thoughts: The Goo Goo Dolls were one of my favorite bands in the ’90s. If Prince Carl had thrown me a birthday party where they played, I might be tempted to date him.

Donna, stay away from the self-tanner.

The Queen Mary just makes me think of Arrested Development (like so many things do).

I like Ballen. Can he stay?

“You won’t sleep with me? I’ll go after your best friend instead.” You’re a real charmer, Eric.

Kelly Taylor, you’re my hero.

November 10, 2013

BH90210 6.29, Ticket to Ride: Look Who’s Not Talking

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , at 3:00 pm by Jenn

It's a scratch-off ticket, Brandon, not a scratch 'n sniff ticket

It’s a scratch-off ticket, Brandon, not a scratch ‘n sniff ticket

Summary: Susan borrows some money from Brandon so she can buy a lottery ticket (which they apparently sell at the campus snack bar). Brandon does the scratching, which reveals that they won $5,000. They’re told to take the ticket to the California Lottery Office in Van Nuys. Elsewhere on campus, David, Donna, and Clare discuss forming a study group since they have finals coming up. Clare isn’t sure Steve will be able to tear himself away from Prince Carl long enough to participate.

Joe joins David and Donna as they discuss music and their work with MZA. Joe’s not jealous anymore, and is also excited about getting back into football. Colin and Valerie pack up his stuff, since he’s about to head off to prison for two years. She cries. I still don’t care about this plot. Kelly’s been staying with Jackie since her near-murder, but now she’s ready to go home to the beach apartment and start attending summer school. Colin calls but doesn’t say anything when Jackie answers the phone.

Steve and Carl play racquetball and talk about Clare. Steve admits that the relationship isn’t completely serious, and he wants to do some more dating before he settles down. Brandon and Susan take their lottery victory tour to the Peach Pit, then decide to go to Van Nuys the next day to get their money. Colin calls Jackie’s place again, still not talking even when Kelly answers the phone. More blah blah blah from Colin and Valerie.

Clare is focused on studying, but Steve wants to hang out with Carl some more. She warns that Carl always goes after what he wants, full throttle, then gets bored. Also, the cufflinks he gave Steve aren’t that special, since he gives them to everyone. Kelly moves back into the apartment and tells Donna that Colin’s jail sentence starts the next day. She decides to call him to say goodbye. Donna supports that but encourages her to let go of him after that.

Kelly makes the call, but Valerie answers the phone and is snotty to her. Colin decides not to talk to his ex. Brandon and Susan try to study but are distracted by thoughts of their money and what they could do with it. They realize that neither of them has the ticket, so that’s not good. Steve and Clare go to dinner with Carl, who wants to throw Steve a party for his upcoming 21st birthday. He didn’t get a big bash for his own 21st, so he wants to give Steve the party he never had.

Joe and Donna play backgammon (swinging good times over at Joe’s place) while she listens to music. Then she ditches the game to take a conference call with David and someone from MZA. They’re invited to a party that Joe doesn’t seem excited to go to. But he can tell that Donna’s happy about MZA possible signing her and David for more videos, so he tells her to focus on her music for the rest of the evening.

After dinner, Clare tells Carl that he’s spoiling her and Steve, so he should stop spending so much money on them. She needs to go home since she has a final the next day, but the guys plan to go to a strip club. Clare warns Steve that Carl’s diplomatic credentials won’t keep them from getting arrested. Speaking of which, Colin’s on his way over to the police station to turn himself in and start his sentence.

Brandon and Susan retrace their steps to look for the lottery ticket, ending up searching the Peach Pit’s Dumpster. They don’t find the ticket, but Brandon does see what he thinks is a “live potato.” They start fighting, and Brandon decides it’s not worth all the trouble, so he’s out. Colin and Valerie go to the police station, where Valerie goes in to find Colin’s lawyer while he parks the car. He passes some inmates being transferred, and the reality of his future hits him. Valerie soon realizes that he’s not coming back.

Donna times Joe as he works on his speed, which is slightly up but not close to his personal best from last year. He takes out his frustration on Donna, who’s just trying to cheer him on. The police tell Valerie that Colin may turn himself in, and if he does, he needs to do it quickly. The longer he stays away, the worse his punishment will be. Valerie also has the bail bondsman she paid breathing down her neck. Colin’s lawyer advises her to find her boyfriend.

Donna, David, and Joe go to the MZA party at a club, where Joe gets recognized and David and Donna get talked up by their potential manager. Carl shows up at the beach apartment and gives Clare a necklace. He wants to take her and Steve out to check out a possible location for the birthday party. Clare talks to Steve on the phone as he runs around the Walshes’ house, doing laundry. While they’re talking, he falls down the stairs and lands on his face.

Joe’s uncomfortable at the club but doesn’t want to ask Donna to leave, since he knows how important the night is for her MZA career. David watches them dance and tries to keep his jealousy in check. Colin pops up at the beach apartment, telling Kelly he just needs a friend. She won’t let him in and declines to help him. She says she only called him to say goodbye. Colin asks if she still cares about him, and she says no, “not in that way.” He’s not sure what to do next, turn himself in or keep running. Kelly promises to keep his visit quiet, but she won’t give him any advice.

Steve has a broken jaw and has to have it wired shut, which means he can’t talk. (That’s probably his worst nightmare.) Carl offers to put him up in a hotel while he recuperates. Kelly visits Jackie and tells her that Colin stopped by instead of turning himself in to go to jail. She’s proud of herself for not getting involved in his drama. At the Walshes’, Valerie and Brandon play Who’s Having the Worst Time?, and really, Brandon losing a lottery ticket doesn’t compare to Valerie’s boyfriend going on the lam. She picks up a magazine and out falls the lottery ticket.

On campus, Joe tells Donna that even though things aren’t going great for him football-wise, that’s all people wanted to talk to him about at the club. He’s interested in finding out what else he can get out of life. He doesn’t have the same passion for football he used to have, and he’s not sure why. Susan apologizes to Brandon for their fight about the lottery ticket, saying she wishes they hadn’t bought it. He shows her that he found it and laments that they got so greedy. They decide to donate the money to a family who just lost their house in a fire.

Valerie goes to the beach apartment to ask if Kelly has seen or heard from Colin. Kelly says no, but Valerie sees through her defensive behavior and guesses that he came by to tell Kelly he loves her. She begs Kelly to help her, since she mortgaged the After Dark to pay his bail, and now might lose it. Kelly is unsympathetic.

Thoughts: Donna’s braids. I just…I can’t.

When Valerie’s the only person who can tolerate Colin, you know you’ve written your character into a corner.

Joe is Ray’s complete opposite. I think Donna’s surprised that her boyfriend isn’t forcing her to spend time only with him, or making her leave places she doesn’t want to leave yet.

November 3, 2013

BH90210 6.28, The Big Hurt: Save Me

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , at 12:38 pm by Jenn

Eh, I've seen crazier

Eh, I’ve seen crazier

Summary: Tara is STILL living at the beach apartment. Clare still hates her. Kelly asks her to feed her fish while she’s out for the day. Donna feels bad that they’re making Tara leave, especially since things have been kind of okay since she got Kelly’s haircut, but Kelly doesn’t want to back down. After the other girls have left, Tara overfeeds the fish, so I guess she’s really crazy, huh?

Colin is nervous to learn his fate after his lawyer meets with the district attorney. He and Valerie are told that if he pleads guilty, he’ll only have to serve six months in a halfway house. That is, if the judge accepts the offer in court the next day. Colin’s relieved and grateful that Valerie paid for him to get a better lawyer.

Clare’s friend, a prince, is coming to Beverly Hills for a visit, and Steve is excited to meet a royal. Clare has known Carl since childhood and doesn’t have fond memories of the spoiled brat. Brandon finds Tara in the Condor‘s darkroom, where she’s developing pictures of Kelly. She tries to make him think that Kelly’s still in love with him. Brandon quickly realizes that something’s off, then gets that confirmed when Tara tries to kiss him, saying she just wanted to see what it was like to be Kelly. Brandon and Susan agree that Tara’s crazy.

Steve and Clare go to her father’s house to meet Carl, who I guess is handsome. Brandon leaves Kelly a message saying he needs to talk to her about Tara’s behavior. David and Donna show their music video to Brandon, Susan, and Joe, so Joe gets to glower about half-naked Donna again. David walks out before it’s over, either because he doesn’t want anyone to see that he’s hot for Donna, or because he doesn’t want to watch Joe watch.

Susan likes the video because it makes Donna look like she has power. Joe just says it’s “professional-looking.” Donna calls him out for acting like she did something wrong. He tells her he’s worried that the video will wind up on TV and his family will see it. He also thinks she should be embarrassed because she’s being portrayed as a sex object. Donna asks what he wants her to do, but Joe says she’s already done plenty.

Kelly listens to Brandon’s message when she gets home, but she gets distracted by the fact that her fish are all dead. She accuses Tara of overfeeding them, then tells her she needs to move out tomorrow. Brandon worries that Valerie is so involved with Colin that he’ll take her down with him. Then he tells her that he thinks Tara keyed her car. Steve decides to skip his classes so he can hang out with his new bro, Carl. Carl also wants to hang out with both him and Clare later.

David edits the music video, telling Donna that he thinks it’s almost ready to be shown. Donna offers her own edits, which involve taking out some of her sexy shots. David thinks Joe made those decisions, and he doesn’t want to accept them. Donna tells him she’s feeling exploited. He still refuses to make the changes, pulling rank as director. She replies that they’re never going to work together again.

Tara tries to smooth things over with Kelly with a trip to the beach, desperate to make sure they’ll still be friends even after she moves out. Kelly assures her that they will. On her way out of the apartment, Tara runs into Brandon and tries to get him on her side. Instead, Brandon tries to convince Kelly to detach herself a little from Tara. Kelly’s already on board, planning to pack Tara’s things for her and have them in the car when Tara gets back.

Kelly snoops in Tara’s things and finds a stack of letters from her parents. Tara’s story has always been that she doesn’t know where her unsupportive parents are, but in reality, they want her to get in touch with them. Steve, Clare, and Carl hang out at the beach, and the guys are definitely buddies now. In court, Colin gets worried again because the DA opposing him isn’t the one his lawyer made the deal with.

Tara comes home to find Kelly waiting for her. She called Tara’s parents, who want her to come home. Tara flips out and says that she and Kelly can’t be friends anymore. Kelly should be grateful: Tara came on to Brandon for her and keyed Valerie’s car for her. Kelly starts to call Tara’s doctor, but Tara stops her by grabbing her gun and threatening to kill herself if Kelly doesn’t obey her orders.

The first order is for Kelly to drive Tara somewhere. Kelly tries to get Tara to talk about her family, but Tara won’t cooperate. In court, Colin pleads guilty, and the DA does come through with the recommendation of the six-month sentence. The judge, however, doesn’t approve of the deal. After all, Colin engaged in a high-speed chase and put police officers’ lives in danger. He’ll have to serve a minimum of two years in prison.

David and Donna take their video to a management company, MZA, that’s interested in signing them to a three-video contract. The agent just thinks the video needs more Donna. David agrees to add some of her footage back in and resubmit it tomorrow. Donna’s unhappy since he didn’t ask her opinion. David tells her that they need to go along or they’ll miss out on this great opportunity. Kelly and Tara drive to a cliff overlooking the beach, and Kelly tries to make a move to get away. Tara responds by hitting her with the gun and knocking her out.

Steve and Clare are back at Chancellor Arnold’s, where Carl offers his new best bro cufflinks with his royal crest. This plot is boring. Kelly regains consciousness and discovers that Tara has rigged the car so they’ll both die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Tara tries to convince her that she should want to die after all the pain she’s experienced in her life.

Colin is resigned to his fate, though Valerie notes that they can still file motions and appeals. She encourages him to use the week he has before he has to turn himself in to do fun stuff. Colin’s like, “I’ve never had fun, so why should I start now?” Valerie tries to tell him he’s strong. Steve shows off his cufflinks to Nat while Carl tells Clare that he’s planning to stay in town longer. This is the most boring potential love triangle ever.

Donna tells Joe that MZA wants her and David to undo all of the changes he wanted. Surprisingly, Joe now feels embarrassed for the way he acted, and admits that he was just jealous because David and Donna were spending time together. Donna assures him that there’s nothing to worry about. Joe tells her he wants her to feel free to live her own life.

Night falls, and Tara’s carbon-monoxide contraption starts to do its thing. Kelly tells Tara that she’s not mad, and is ready to die with her. But first, she’d really like it if Tara would untie her hands. As soon as Tara does, Kelly grabs the gun and frees herself from the car. She fires the gun a bunch of times to draw attention to her and Tara, then throws it away. Tara cries because Kelly lied to her.

Later that night, Tara lands in the psychiatric ward and Brandon goes to the hospital to check on Kelly. Kelly wants to get some closure with one last visit with Tara. She meets Tara’s mom, who’s very grateful for everything Kelly did for Tara. After all, Tara would have died if Kelly hadn’t saved both of them.

Thoughts: I guess Tara killed the fish because there was no bunny around to boil?

I really hope someone kept Aaron Spelling from watching the music-video footage.

Even with the gun, I think Kelly could take Tara.

October 27, 2013

BH90210 6.27, Strike the Match: The Last Person On Earth I Want to Be With

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , at 5:03 pm by Jenn

Is that really an appropriate outfit for a barren wasteland where you have to battle mutated demons to stay alive?

Is that really an appropriate outfit for a barren wasteland where you have to battle mutated demons to stay alive?

Summary: Tara’s still staying at the beach apartment, and Donna and Clare are sick of it. In fact, Clare’s so sick of it that she’s going to stay with Steve until Tara’s gone. She admits that Tara creeps her out a little. She and Donna tell Kelly that it’s time for Tara to get her own place. Kelly’s on Tara’s side, telling her she can stay even when Tara realizes that the other girls want her out. At CU, Steve bugs Brandon to tell Susan that he might take a summer job at a newspaper in Boston. Susan and Brandon are supposed to take a trip together, and the job would make Brandon have to cancel it.

David’s been hired to shoot a music video for some group called Powerman 5000. He’s nervous because he only has a short time to work before school’s over and Powerman goes on tour. Donna agrees to help out. Joe’s unhappy but pretends not to be. Tara and Kelly go to an NA meeting, and Tara tells the group that having a friend has made her life a ton better. Colin’s still working on the mural at the After Dark? Huh? Anyway, David runs into him there and they posture a little before David asks Valerie if he can use the club for the video shoot. Val tells Colin to behave himself.

Susan starts talking about how much she’s looking forward to her and Brandon’s summer trip (which sounds like a cross-country drive), so he finally mentions the job in Boston. He downplays it like he doesn’t plan on accepting it. Clare basically moves in with Steve, and things are really good between them right now, so that will definitely work out well. Tara decides that she wants a new hairstyle, so Kelly offers to get her an appointment at her salon. Then she pushes Tara to work on moving out of the beach apartment. Tara begs her not to kick her out.

The two run into Colin and Valerie outside the After Dark, and everyone is icily polite. As they leave, Kelly tells Tara that she hates Val. Tara reminds her that she’s better off with Colin, so Val can have him. Then she says she hates anyone Kelly hates, and she hopes Valerie dies. David and Donna work on the video, but so far they haven’t even agreed on a theme. Since the song is called “Strike the Match” (hey! Just like the episode title!), Donna suggests that they have all the band members strike lots of matches. Yeah, someone’s run out of ideas. She’s sick of David being mean to her and tells him he’s the last person on earth she wants to hang out with. David gets inspired.

Brandon, Susan, Steve, Clare, and Joe study at the Walshes’ house for the GRE, even though most of them are juniors. Susan admires Clare’s shawl, which is one of the few things she has that belonged to her late mother. Tara sneaks into Kelly’s room in the middle of the night and takes her keys. While David and Donna finalize plans for the video, Tara goes to Colin’s building and keys “Die Val” into the side of Valerie’s car.

At the Walsh house, Clare heads off to school, asking Steve to do some of her laundry. Susan wonders if she has a place in Brandon’s future, and if she should include him in her own future plans. Brandon wrongly takes this as an ultimatum, like Susan’s saying that if he takes the job in Boston, they’re over. David and the band get ready for the video shoot at the After Dark, but the drummer’s girlfriend, who was supposed to star (as the last woman on earth) is a no-show. David assigns Donna to take her place.

Valerie finds Tara’s vandalism and freaks out that someone actually wants her dead. Tara goes to collect some of her things from a guy who was keeping them for it. Steve gets Clare’s laundry and realizes that he accidentally washed (and ruined) her mother’s shawl. Kelly and Tara stop by the video shoot, where Donna is now dressed like an apocalyptic hooker. Colin shows up to glare at David, I guess thinking he was behind the keying.

Valerie, however, thinks it was Kelly, and warns that she told the police about their rivalry. Before they can take it outside (to pull each other’s hair, I guess), they’re alerted to a fight in the After Dark. Colin and David are trying to pound on each other, but some guys keep them separated. Valerie announces that the shoot is over. Brandon meets with the guy who wants him at the Boston Globe, so we get to hear all about how awesome Brandon is. Now, though, the offer comes with the possibility of a job after Brandon graduates.

Kelly goes home angry about the Valerie situation and sorry that David has to be stuck in the middle. Tara talks about how she used to love photography, so Kelly offers to get her access to CU’s darkroom. Tara thinks Kelly and Brandon still have feelings for each other. She unpacks her things, which include a gun. The music video moves to a warehouse, and Donna dances in a way that would give Felice a heart attack if she saw her. Joe isn’t much happier to see his girlfriend practically naked and gyrating for her ex-boyfriend.

Brandon tells Susan about the job offer coming with his summer internship. Then he shows her what he calls the smallest ball of twine in the world, in preparation for their summer trip, when they’ll see the world’s largest one. He’s giving up the summer internship, which, I’m sorry, is a horrible idea. At the Walshes’ house, Steve reluctantly tells Clare that he ruined her mother’s shawl. She’s upset but knows that Steve wouldn’t do anything to hurt her intentionally. She thinks her mother would approve of her choice in boyfriends.

At the beach apartment, Kelly and Donna discuss Valerie’s keying; neither has any idea who was behind it. Tara returns from the salon with blond hair and Kelly’s hairstyle. Donna tells Kelly that Tara wants to be her. Apparently this hadn’t occurred to Kelly before. She needs to start paying attention.

Thoughts: There’s actually a group called Powerman 5000? Doesn’t that sound more like a rapper?

Steve has Brenda’s old room, and his walls are violently purple.

David, Colin, neither of you is the least bit intimidating.

It looks like after the apocalypse, we’ll all be wearing pleather bras and hot pants, so start working now to make sure you have an Armageddon-ready body!

October 20, 2013

BH90210 6.26, Flirting with Disaster: Blame Canada

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , at 1:09 pm by Jenn

You're better off without 'em, girls

You’re better off without ’em, girls

Summary: At the beach apartment, Tara listens to Kelly’s outgoing answering machine message multiple times. Because she’s crazy. When Kelly comes home from a date with Greg, Tara greets her excitedly. Because she’s crazy. Then she imitates Kelly’s answering machine message. Because she’s – well, you get it.

At the Peach Pit, Brandon, Susan, Steve, Clare, Donna, and Joe packs up for a spring break camping trip. After some driving, they take a pit stop and spot some women fixing a flat tire. The guys immediately become chivalrous. The girls are Canadian and also looking to camp out. The guys tell them where they’re going, and Joe blurts out that they have dates, disappointing Brandon and Steve.

A man shows up at Colin’s loft and introduces himself to Valerie as Colin’s father. He’s blind and cranky. Kelly and Tara hang out at the Peach Pit, discussing Kelly and Greg’s bowling date that night. Kelly invites Tara to tag along, but Tara doesn’t want to be a fifth wheel. David arrives and Kelly asks him to invite Tara on a bowling double date with her and Greg. She feels bad for leaving Tara at home every night while she goes out.

The campers arrive at their destination, and surprise, surprise, the Canadian girls are also there. The Beverly Hills girls are all, “Yeah, the guys belong to us.” Valerie tries to be a good hostess to Mr. Robbins, who tells her that he and Colin aren’t close. In fact, they haven’t seen each other in five years. Colin isn’t thrilled when he comes home to see his father there, but he doesn’t make him leave.

The Canadian girls can’t set up their tent, so the guys are chivalrous again. “They’ll be back,” Susan assures Donna. “Or they’ll be dead,” Clare adds. Tara thinks her date with David might lead to more, so she asks Kelly how many dates she waits before having sex. Kelly doesn’t answer, but says that she and Greg are just about there. When she leaves the room, Tara continues her rehearsals to become the new Kelly.

The double date goes well, though Tara makes Greg a little uncomfortable by being touchy-feely. The Canadian girls’ tent is missing pieces, it seems, so the guys spend all evening trying to help them while their girlfriends mope. The Beverly Hills girls invite the Canadian girls to share their tents, leaving the guys to fend for themselves. Joe thinks they should apologize, not like he has anything to lose since he wasn’t going to have sex anyway. Steve refuses.

Tara tells Greg that Kelly really likes him but isn’t ready for a new relationship. That leads him to cut the date short, though David’s the only one who thinks something’s off. Mr. Robbins tells Valerie about losing his sight in Vietnam; somehow this leads to a fight between Colin and his father. Colin tries to kick Mr. Robbins out, but Valerie feels bad for him and invites him to spend the night.

Greg takes Kelly and Tara home, then tells Kelly that he thinks they’re moving too quickly. She thinks he should have thought this through more before he ever asked her out. (Seriously.) Tara’s proud of herself. Brandon, Steve, and Joe spend the night in their minivan, then wake up to declare war on their girlfriends. They refuse to eat the breakfast the girls made and vow to feed themselves.

Kelly now thinks Greg might have been right about not rushing things. Tara pretends to be all supportive, then orders two bouquets of flowers. One is for Kelly, and the other is for Greg with a note from Kelly telling him not to call her. Valerie encourages Colin to tell Mr. Robbins that he’s going to jail, since he needs a support system. Colin thinks that’s a stupid idea – his father’s there for something, probably money, so he won’t care.

Valerie tries to broker a truce between father and son, since at least Colin’s father is still alive, but Colin wants to hash everything out right now. He demands to know why Mr. Robbins came to visit. Mr. Robbins explains that he knows about Colin’s legal problems and came to offer his support. Colin rejects it, so Mr. Robbins leaves. Valerie threatens to leave, too, if Colin doesn’t do something, so father and son make up. Wake me when this storyline is over.

Kelly goes to see Greg at the hospital, but he doesn’t want to talk to her. Steve, Joe, and Brandon try to fish for their breakfast, which doesn’t go well. The Canadian girls come across them and mention that their girlfriends have made some new friends. Specifically guy friends. Brandon tries to convince Steve and Joe not to go back to the campsite and chase the new guys away. That doesn’t work.

Tara does her fake-supportive thing again, playing dumb when Kelly gets her flowers and a note from “Greg” breaking things off. Colin, Mr. Robbins, blah. Colin will totally be okay! He just has to get through this difficult part of his life! Once Mr. Robbins goes back home, Colin and Valerie are boring some more. At the campsite, the guys spy on the girls, who didn’t actually befriend any guys. Everyone makes up. I beg for the last hour of my life back.

Thoughts: Mr. Robbins: “I heard that Colin’s doing really well out here.” Who the heck did you hear that from?”

Margo would laugh at Tara’s lameness but admire her for befriending Kelly before trying to replace her.

Steve, re: the tent: “We can’t get it up.” Susan: “I’ll bet.” Thank you, Susan, for making the joke I was pretending I’m too classy to make. (Actually, I would have gone with “that’s what she said,” which doesn’t really make sense.)

Brandon, your “sleeping in a van down by the river” also doesn’t make sense since there’s no river. If I liked you, I’d give you an A for effort, but I don’t like you, so just shut up.

Why does the show want so badly for me to care about Colin?

October 13, 2013

BH90210 6.25, Smashed: Our Idiot Brother

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 5:03 pm by Jenn

Yay, just who I wanted to see again

Yay, just who I wanted to see again

Summary: Tara’s about to be released from rehab, and Kelly wants to let her stay at the beach apartment. Donna and Clare are very reluctant, but Kelly says that she doesn’t have anywhere else to go. “She needs me,” she insists, which is really creepy when you think about it, since she and Tara have only known each other for a few weeks. At some other unspecified point in time, Clare’s with Steve at the Walshes’, talking about a party he’s throwing that night.

Valerie meets with Colin’s lawyer, who tells her that he has two options: plead guilty and serve time, or plead not guilty and risk a longer sentence. He thinks he can get Colin a pretty good deal with just a few months in a minimum-security facility and some community service. Val now has to convince Colin to agree to this. Kelly goes to get Tara and runs into Greg, who disapproves of her opening her home to Tara. He asks her on a date, but she’s already going to Steve’s party, so she invites Greg to come with her.

Valerie wants to bring Colin to the party, but Brandon doesn’t think it’s a good idea, since everyone hates him. He can’t stop her, though, since the party’s at the Walshes’ and she lives there, too. The male Sanderses eat at the Peach Pit, where Rush asks Steve to look after Austin and Ryan for the night while he goes out of time. Steve resists, since he’s having his party, but Rush doesn’t listen. At least they come with $200 from Rush.

At the beach apartment, Tara continues her slow journey to turn herself into Kelly. She drinks Clare’s juice, but if that’s what passes for drama there, the roommates should all be happy. Valerie tells Colin that he doesn’t have much of a choice about going to prison, but it won’t be nearly as bad as he thinks. She urges him to take the deal instead of going to trial. Colin reluctantly agrees. Valerie invites him to Steve’s party so they can try to enjoy the rest of their time together, but Colin’s worried that Kelly will make a scene.

Steve puts his brothers to work at the Walshes’ house in anticipation of a huge party. Brandon catches them trying to steal beer and stops them. He tells Steve that Valerie’s bringing Colin, but Steve doesn’t seem to care. Tara’s more worried about the possibility of drugs at the party, which is a nice detail. Kelly says they’ll keep each other out of trouble. Then Tara borrows the dress Kelly had planned to wear.

At CU, David tells Joe that he and Donna are working on a piece about the party for the school’s TV station. Donna and David note that they haven’t worked together for a while. Colin decides he doesn’t want to go to the party after all. Valerie thinks he’s still nervous about seeing Kelly, but it’s more that he doesn’t want to spend the whole night with people who think he’s scum. He wishes Valerie had a better understanding of what he’s facing.

Kelly loans Tara a necklace along with her dress, so now Tara is fully clothed in Kelly’s garb. Greg calls, and Tara’s surprised (and not all that happy) to learn that Kelly invited him to the party. She decides that she doesn’t want to go after all since she’ll be a fifth wheel. Kelly changes her mind. The party is already going, with a lot of dorky dancing and Steve in a vest. Susan sees Brandon and Kelly hugging and tries to keep from looking jealous. She tells Brandon that she likes all his friends, even though she was worried about Kelly when they first started dating.

Donna and David film some of the goings-on, educating the general population on how to play quarters. Ryan and Austin ask Muntz for beer, telling him that Steve said they could drink. Steve says they can do one round of shots, not realizing that the only think more annoying than Ryan and Austin would be Ryan and Austin with alcohol in them. Donna’s too busy to hang out with Joe, and he’s not happy about it.

Austin and Ryan snake some drinks from distracted partygoers while Donna finally realizes that Joe’s having a bad time. She asks Brandon to take over filming so she can dance with her boyfriend. Valerie and Colin arrive, and Brandon is amazingly polite. Ryan and Austin try to get back into Muntz’s drinking game, but even money won’t sway him. They steal booze instead. Colin runs into Kelly, and though she’s not exactly warm toward him, she lets him know that she cares what happens to him. Valerie is displeased, of course.

More drinking. Ryan and Austin are somehow not completely drunk yet. Muntz catches them picking up bottles, so they pretend they’re cleaning up. David and Steve know the kids are drunk, but Steve’s not concerned, since he also got drunk at that age. Greg arrives for some flirting, dancing, and making Tara jealous. Ryan starts feeling the effects of the alcohol and has to run outside to get sick. Austin finds him on the back porch, unconscious. Steve thinks he’s just passed out, but Greg (a med student) recognizes that he has alcohol poisoning and needs to go to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.

Now that the party’s over, Colin and Valerie go back to his place, where she confronts him for…having a pleasant conversation with Kelly, I guess. “I’m beginning to think you fall in love with any female body that keeps you afloat,” she says. He insists that he loves her for who she is, not because she’s taking care of him and paying for his lawyer. Val loves him, too, and has never risked so much for anyone else.

Rush is summoned to the hospital, and of course he yells at Steve for not keeping a better eye on Ryan. Greg takes Kelly and Tara home, and Tara spies while the lovebirds kiss good night. She’s so mad that she breaks the necklace Kelly loaned her. Back at the hospital, Ryan’s okay, so Rush feels free to yell at Steve some more. He wants his kids to look after each other, and Steve failed. (Yeah, but think about how much more failure there would have been if, say, Ryan had had to look after Steve.)

Austin’s still at the Walshes’, where Brandon and Susan are sobering him up with coffee. The only problem is that he’s now too caffeinated to sleep. Back at the hospital, Steve’s all, “I still love you, Ryan, even though you’re a huge idiot.” I guess it’s supposed to be touching because Steve’s calling him his brother now instead of his half brother, but really, the kid is a moron and I couldn’t care less.

Thoughts: Holy crap, Clare’s hair. It has big white streaks. It looks horrible.

So Kelly can date Greg, but he doesn’t think she should live with Tara? I don’t get it.

Why do a piece on the party for the TV station? “Hey, uncool people, here’s what the cool people did this weekend!”

I’m pretty sure Colin wears a velvet shirt to the party. Let me repeat that. COLIN WEARS A VELVET SHIRT.

Austin and Ryan drink everyone else’s drinks. They should probably check Ryan for mono while he’s in the hospital, because EW, GERMS.

Tell me, Rush, what is it about Steve that made you think he could be responsible in the first place?

October 6, 2013

BH90210 6.24, Coming Out, Getting Out, Going Out: You Must Get Back Together! Susan and Clare Demand It!

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 5:10 pm by Jenn

"I can't stay here! This shade of blue looks horrible on me!"

“I can’t stay here! This shade of blue looks horrible on me!”

Summary: Valerie visits Colin in the county jail, where he’s spend the last two weeks waiting to be bailed out for his police chase. His family doesn’t have the money (or care enough) to pay his bail. Valerie plans to have the After Dark appraised. Sometime in the past two weeks, Joe had his heart surgery, so that storyline’s over (yay!). Kelly’s also finished up her time in rehab. Joan has returned to town and continued reconnecting with Nat, but Nat tells Brandon, Steve, Susan, and Clare that things aren’t the same as they used to be, so they’re not dating.

Kelly packs to leave rehab while Tara worries about finishing her last week without her roommate. Kelly lets her keep the sweater she borrowed. Greg the hot almost-doctor sees Kelly off. Clare and Susan stalk Joan, wanting to get her and Nat back together, but she’s on the same page as him about the two of them not having the same spark they used to. Valerie meets with a bail bondsman, using the After Dark’s equity to pay Colin’s bond.

Jackie and David bring Kelly home, and she quickly notices that Donna and Clare have taken down Colin’s painting. She wishes they hadn’t redecorated without her. David gives her fish, which will give Tara something to kill when she inevitably single white females Kelly. He tells her that Colin’s still in jail and is probably facing time. Kelly wishes people wouldn’t be so hard on him. Later, Colin calls her to tell her he’s been bailed out and wants to see her. Kelly quickly hangs up.

Valerie goes to fetch Colin and meets his public defender, who tells her he’s probably going to go to prison for three years (one if he’s lucky). Valerie doesn’t like that. When she takes Colin home, she tells him she’ll pay for him to hire a better lawyer. Susan and Clare are still trying to figure out why Nat and Joan aren’t working out, and it’s annoying their boyfriends. Susan wants to play matchmaker, and she suggests a triple date.

Jackie brings Kelly a nice breakfast, which Tara kind of ruins by calling to complain about her own breakfast. Donna’s annoyed that Tara keeps calling. Clare and Susan arrange the triple date and tell their boyfriends to get Nat to agree to show up. Nat refuses, thinking that if he and Joan haven’t made things work out, they’re not meant to be together. Brandon won’t take no for an answer because he doesn’t want to have to tell Susan that he failed.

David runs into Valerie at the Peach Pit and tells her he’s figured out that she paid Colin’s bail. He points out that she’s not doing a very good job of making the gang like her. Val replies that at least she’s loyal to Colin. David warns that if she hangs out with him, she’ll get herself in trouble. Just before the triple date, Brandon and Susan have to talk Nat and Joan down from various crises. Susan’s determined to make everything perfect.

Kelly and Donna go to a video store (remember those?), where they run into Greg. He asks Kelly out, which is so inappropriate I don’t even know where to start. The double daters (minus Brandon) take a limo to their first surprise destination. It turns out to be the hot dog stand where Nat and Joan had their first date. They reminisce about meeting at a casting call for Bonanza. Yet another phone call from Tara interrupts Kelly and Donna’s movie night together, but this time it’s actually important: Tara ran away from rehab and needs Kelly to come get her.

The triple daters next go to the site of Nat and Joan’s old house, which is now gone. Joan tells the others that their parents didn’t like that they were together because she was Jewish and Nat was Catholic. That was part of the reason they split up. Somehow, being at the empty lot where they used to live makes Nat and Joan feel romantic. Kelly and Donna retrieve Tara, who begs to spend the night at their apartment.

Steve decides that the triple date is the most romantic night he’s had with Clare. (That’s sad.) Kelly and Donna take Tara to the beach apartment for the night while Colin tries to sleep but has nightmares about prison. Valerie assures him that she’s going to make sure he doesn’t go to jail. ‘Cause she loves him or whatever. The triple daters end their night at a hotel that used to hold a nightclub. Brandon has spent the evening setting it up so they can all dance.

Thoughts: No one came out. What a misleading episode title.

I still need to know why Colin has a pay phone in his apartment.

Did Tori Spelling’s contract only allow her to wear belly shirts?

“Sure, Kelly, the clingy addict you barely know can stay with us.” Grow a spine, Donna!

Why didn’t Brandon go on the triple date while, say, David set up the club? It wasn’t much of a triple date, since Susan was a fifth wheel. Also, poor David never gets to do anything fun.

September 29, 2013

BH90210 6.23, Leap of Faith: Drive It Like You Stole It

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 5:16 pm by Jenn

On the plus side, Colin got to be on TV

On the plus side, Colin got to be on TV

Summary: Kelly’s still in rehab, and is in a therapy session, discussing Colin. She has issues with men! I am shocked! She’s making peace with the person her father is, but she still finds herself drawn to Colin. At the Peach Pit, Steve exposits something about a savings bond and wanting to buy a motorcycle. Valerie stops in and reminds David how much he misses her. Clare thinks Steve should mention to David that Valerie and Colin seem to be getting something started.

Brandon and Susan are off to visit her parents; she tells him not to say anything about their recent skiing mishap. After all, they’ve already lost one daughter. Because this episode is all about visits with family members, Joe’s brother Hank is in town. Joe’s most likely going to be approved for the experimental operation Donna found out about. Hank doesn’t want him to have it, and he really doesn’t want Donna involved in the decision.

Susan and Brandon make it to San Diego, and things are exactly as you would expect during the first meeting between a boyfriend and his girlfriend’s parents. In rehab, Kelly loans Tara and her awful haircut a sweater. David visits, and Kelly tells him that after hearing about Tara’s problems, she feels a lot better about her own life. David shares the news that he went with Steve to buy a Harley (Clare doesn’t know about it yet). Kelly wants to know how Colin’s doing, but David hasn’t been in touch with him. He admits that Val has, though, and they’re dating. Kelly doesn’t like this news.

Brandon and the Keatses have paella for dinner – it was Susan’s sister’s favorite dish. Mrs. Keats wants to know how serious the couple is. Mr. Keats and Susan warn that she’s a Shakespeare scholar and might quiz him. Mrs. Keats is really just curious about their sleeping arrangements. Susan lies that they’re not having sex. In Beverly Hills, Colin assures Valerie that he’s in for a relationship, in case anyone cares.

In rehab, Kelly cares. She tells Tara that the news about Colin and Valerie makes her want to kill Val. Joe’s starting to doubt his decision to have the operation, thanks to Hank and his family. Hank was also a football player and had knee surgery that was supposed to allow him to keep playing, but it didn’t work. Donna accuses Joe of being afraid that he’ll become better than his brother. She thinks that’s how Hank wants it.

Mr. and Mrs. Keats have kept their late daughter’s room the same as when she lived there, and Susan finds it depressing. Mr. Keats tells her it’s her mother’s decision, and she shouldn’t say anything. Brandon wonders if Susan’s parents think she’s a virgin, but she says she told them about her abortion. He wishes she’d warned him in advance that she was going to lie about their sex life. They’re supposed to sleep in separate rooms, but they make plans to meet up later.

Steve takes Clare for a ride on his new bike, but it doesn’t take too long for her to get her fill. He wishes he’d known before he got the motorcycle that she wouldn’t be a fan. Brandon sneaks upstairs to see Susan, but the family’s Great Dane blocks his way. Brandon quotes Shakespeare to get him to relax. Colin and Valerie make relationshippy plans and put me to sleep. Then Colin gets a visit from Danny Five, who ruins Colin’s attempt at sobriety with a special Leap Day deal. In exchange, he wants a ride.

In San Diego, Mrs. Keats goes to wake up Susan and finds Brandon in her bed. And that’s why you always knock. (End J. Walter Weatherman voice.) Things get really awkward, and Mrs. Keats slams Susan for disrespecting her rules. Susan wants to know why her sister was allowed to sleep with a guy in the house. She adds that her sister’s room is practically a shrine, and her parents expect her to live up to their other daughter when they’re not the same person. Mrs. Keats admits to Brandon that she’s right. She needs to make sure she doesn’t lose another daughter.

Donna and Clare visit Kelly and hang out with her and Tara. They meet Greg, a doctor at the rehab center, and it looks like all the girls think he’s hot. (To be fair, he is.) Tara’s just happy to have some friends. Hank asks Donna to meet him so they can fight some more over whether or not Joe should have the operation. Donna repeats her speculation from earlier that Hank wants Joe to stop playing football so he can’t surpass Hank.

Steve and his horrible motorcycle-riding clothes meet Clare at the Peach Pit with her very own personalized helmet. It seems like he’s going to dump her if she doesn’t ride with him, but that can’t be right, can it? David criticizes Valerie for pouncing on Colin as soon as he was single. He warns that Colin will do the same thing to her that he did to Kelly. Steve, Clare, motorcycle, bleh. Brandon and Susan head home, bleh. Hank’s also on his way home, but before he leaves, he tells Joe that the family is going to stop trying to talk him out of having the operation.

Colin drives Danny to get some drugs, but the deal is interrupted by cops. Since Colin has drugs on him, he drives off. A police chase ensues. At the Peach Pit and the Walshes’ house, the gang watches the chase on TV, with no idea who the driver is. Steve finally recognizes Colin’s van. Kelly recognizes it, too, just as the cops surround Colin and end the chase. Tara thinks the van was stolen, and that was the reason for the chase. But as soon as Colin gets out and gets arrested, everyone sees it’s him.

Thoughts: I love how people keep mentioning it’s Leap Day, like that has anything to do with anything.

Mrs. Keats is played by Kathleen Noone – Ellie on Party of Five.

The Keatses’ Great Dane is named Hamlet. Heh. Get it?

Colin makes me want to use drugs.

September 22, 2013

BH90210 6.22, All This and Mary Too: World’s Most Boring Episode

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 12:42 pm by Jenn

Yes, David, you are the mack daddy, in your plaid flannel

Yes, David, you are the mack daddy, in your plaid flannel

Summary: Kelly’s drug problem is now public knowledge among the gang, and she’s in the hospital for rehab. David feels bad that he wasn’t there for her, but she points out that she shut everyone out. Colin visits and tells Kelly that he’s been clean for a week. He thinks they can stay clean together; she doesn’t need rehab. Kelly knows they’re bad for each other and need to break up. Methinks Colin’s week of sobriety isn’t going to last past the seven days.

David, Clare, and Susan go to the Walshes’ in preparation for a snowboarding trip with Brandon and Steve. This appears to be the first time David and Valerie have talked since their split. He thinks they can be friends, but she disagrees. She’s sitting out the snowboarding trip so they don’t have to spend time together. Susan’s competitive with Brandon, which is interesting, since he’s originally from a snow-filled state. I feel bad that David has to be the fifth wheel all weekend.

Jackie visits Kelly in rehab just as she’s getting a roommate named Tara. Jackie thinks this is a good thing for Kelly. The snowboarding members of the gang arrive at Mammoth Mountain, and now I feel bad for the couples, since it looks like David’s going to mope all weekend. Susan and Clare meet a girl named Mary who needs a place to stay, and they decide to fix him up with David. Kelly meets Tara and tries to comfort her when she cries.

Steve thinks a girl at the ski lodge is checking him out, but he’ll stick with Clare and set the girl up with David. This girl is also named Mary. (Fortunately, this one’s Australian, so it’s easy to tell them apart.) “I wish I had a friend like me,” Steve says. “So do I,” Brandon replies. Back in Beverly Hills, Donna sees a news report about a treatment that enables athletes with Joe’s heart condition to keep playing sports. She makes some phone calls, but Joe doesn’t think anyone can help him.

Susan’s still taunting Brandon about how she’s a better skier, and Clare and Steve probably shouldn’t let them go off alone, or Susan might not come back. Colin and Valerie wind up at the Peach Pit together, both suddenly single and without weekend plans. She invites him to the house for dinner. On the mountain, there is skiing and competition. In Beverly Hills, Colin’s bored and decides to go to the Walshes’ early. Then there’s more skiing, this time in a restricted area.

Donna visits Kelly (bringing her a toy parrot that imitates voices) and assures her that her behavior while she was using is forgiven. Tara accidentally interrupts their conversation and runs off. The toy parrot starts acting up, so Donna brings back the “damn bird” catchphrase. David’s feeling less mopey, just in time for him to meet both Marys. He doesn’t seem interested in either of them.

Brandon and Susan are so into their competition that they don’t realize they’ve skied into a very bad part of the mountain. Susan hurts her leg, conveniently just as a storm moves in. Valerie and Colin’s evening together begins, and they bore me by talking about the first time they met. On the mountain, David and Clare bore me by talking about the Marys. Brandon blames Susan for getting them stuck outside in a blizzard. At least she brought brandy with her.

At the beach apartment, Donna has dinner with her father and asks him about the procedure she heard about. Dr. Martin says it’s experimental and won’t be covered by insurance. It’s also a long shot that Joe would be able to get into the study. He thinks Donna should listen to Joe and stop pursuing the procedure. Donna refuses, so Dr. Martin quickly backs down and agrees to help her get in touch with the doctor running the study.

Colin and Valerie are boring some more, then finally start making out, which we all knew they would do eventually. On the mountain, search teams go out to find Brandon and Susan, but they might have to fend for themselves for the night. Tara has a nightmare, and Kelly bonds with her by talking about her own dreams. Brandon and Susan try to stay awake, even though having one of them die is the only thing that could make this episode even slightly interesting.

Donna and Joe go to church so Donna can pray that Joe will have the heart procedure. He thinks this is a dumb idea, but she reminds him that he’s always talking about his faith, so why not pray for his health? After she prays, Joe admits that that was the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for him. The search teams are about to call things off for the night when one of them finds Susan and Brandon. Yay, anticlimaxes!

Valerie wakes up alone the next morning, which is a surprise, and agrees to have breakfast with Colin. Kelly and Tara go to an art-therapy class and learn more about each other. Tara’s originally from Colorado and ran away when she was 14. Her parents don’t know she’s in rehab, and she doesn’t know where they are. The ski trippers return to Beverly Hills and tell Nat that Silver hit it off with both Marys. In fact, he’s still with them on the mountain. I think we’re supposed to care.

Thoughts: Seriously, such a boring episode. NOTHING HAPPENED. I wanted someone to at least have a run-in with that monster from SkiFree.

Colin looks too good for a guy who supposedly just quit cocaine cold turkey.

I love how the gang says they’re going on a snowboarding trip, but no one actually snowboards. Just call it a ski trip, guys.

Brandon: “It’s a myth that alcohol is good for you when you’re cold.” Susan: “Yes, but if I drink enough, I won’t care anymore.” Heh.

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