July 19, 2016
Summary: We have finally reached the end of this ridiculous series, and we’re going out with a road trip. Sam’s cousin, the only family member he still talks to, is getting married in Boston, and even though he doesn’t want to see his family, Elizabeth and Neil encourage him to go. (Sigh, Neil. He’s barely in this book and I’m sad about it. I’ll miss you, buddy.) Jessica ends up inviting herself and her new boyfriend along. This will be the twins’ last hurrah before junior year, since Jessica will be moving out of the duplex and back into the dorms to be an RA. Yeah, no one does that. Once you’re out of the dorms, you only go back if you can’t pay rent anymore. Plus, no way is Jessica qualified to be an RA.
Anyway, road trip. But first, drama! Jessica sees Sam getting some random girl’s phone number. She already thinks he’s scum, and this doesn’t make him any more endearing. Jess then learns that Elizabeth was accepted into a study-abroad program in London, but since she hasn’t said anything about it, she must not be going – and Jess figures it’s because she doesn’t want to leave Sam. She’s right.
Jessica wanted a summer internship at an art museum, but a cute senior named Tyler nabbed it first. Jessica’s not too broken up since Tyler’s really interested in her, and she’d rather have the guy than the internship anyway. After they’ve gone on a couple of dates, he mentions that his sister is graduating high school in Illinois, but he can’t afford to fly home for the ceremony. Jessica realizes that Liz and Sam can take him on their way to Boston, so she gets them to agree to bring her and Tyler along on the road trip.
The kids take a detour to the San Diego Zoo, so I guess they’re not under a time crunch. Jessica gets mad when Sam checks out a waitress (right in front of Elizabeth, no less). Tyler thinks Jess needs to calm down, and though I agree with her that Sam is skeezy – and she doesn’t even know that he feels trapped in his relationship with Elizabeth and doesn’t even want to be with her – this is not the time to pick a fight. No one wants to share a long car ride with two people who won’t stop fighting.
Next stop: Grand Canyon. It’s big. The road trippers check into a B&B for the night, and Jessica catches Sam flirting with a desk clerk. Dude, what is up with this guy? At dinner, Sam makes Jess mad by asking why she and Tyler got a room together but are sleeping in separate beds. Elizabeth confides in Jessica that she’s ready to have sex with Sam, though he doesn’t want to rush anything. Jessica doesn’t get it. I don’t think Elizabeth does either. Sam is weirdly hesitant to “take” Elizabeth’s virginity, as if she’s not freely and eagerly offering it up. Guys, just have sex already. I’m tired of reading about this.
The kids spend some time in Santa Fe, where the tables turn and Sam catches Jessica flirting with another guy. Later, they fight about his own flirtations, and Elizabeth gets annoyed at her scummy boyfriend. Then, in Illinois, he flirts with ANOTHER woman, a waitress at some restaurant, and ends up making out with her. Why are so many women into Sam anyway? Jessica spots them and immediately tells Elizabeth, but Liz thinks she’s lying because she wants to break them up. She thinks Jess is mad that Liz is going to lose her virginity to a great guy when Jess lost hers to jerky Mike. Way harsh, Liz.
Elizabeth questions Sam, who tells her that Jessica lies. Tyler sides with him, since Sam lied to him, too, so now Jess looks really petty. Everyone goes off in separate directions, and Sam ends up making out with the waitress AGAIN. And Jessica sees them AGAIN. This time Jess grabs Liz and drags her to see her boyfriend cheating with her own eyes. Of course, by the time they get there, Sam is alone, writing something. Liz thinks he’s writing in a journal just like she does, because if there’s anything Sam has proven to be, it’s sensitive and introspective.
Jess decides she needs to show Liz how bad Sam is in a way Elizabeth can’t deny. She plans to dress up as Liz, seduce Sam, and get Elizabeth to see them together. Yeah, there’s no way this could go wrong. It’s not like Sam will explain to Liz that he thought Jess was her, and Jess will come off looking crazy. While Jess is plotting, Elizabeth buys a bunch of candles and condoms and plans to get all pretty before having sex with Sam.
Jessica puts her plan into motion, and though Sam thinks “Elizabeth” is acting weird, he doesn’t suspect that she’s not really Elizabeth. Liz catches them, but instead of thinking Sam’s the only one to blame, she hates Jessica as well. Sam takes advantage of the mess to tell Liz he knew who he was with and doesn’t want to be with Elizabeth. Dang, way to kick her while she’s down. Elizabeth takes the Jeep and heads off on her own, leaving the others behind. I guess Tyler’s now close enough to home to find a ride, but I can’t wait for Jessica to have to call her parents and explain why she’s stranded in Illinois. Maybe Lila can swing by with her father’s jet.
Elizabeth sees her London acceptance letter in the car and decides to go. I don’t know how she plans to pay for a plane ticket, or how she plans to get through customs without her passport (since I can’t imagine she brought it with her), or what she’s going to do until the semester starts. But at least Jess can probably retrieve the Jeep from long-term parking after Liz flies halfway across the world, hoping to never see her sister again. And that’s a wrap on SVU!
Thoughts: Sam: “Liz, I’m really, really, like, I don’t know what to say – honored that you feel like you can sleep with me.” ICK.
How can these people afford to eat breakfast out so often? They don’t have jobs! Wait, Jessica has one. How is Jessica the only one with a job??
“After all, what guy in his right mind wouldn’t want to sleep with Elizabeth Wakefield?” Ugh, now I have to go jump out a window.
“You look really cute in that baseball shirt. Kind of like a little girl in her father’s clothes.” Sam, it’s time to start thinking before you speak.
Along with Neil, I hope Nina gets to live happily ever after. Everyone else in this series is dead to me.
April 26, 2016
Summary: Sam is out at Todd’s bar, Frankie’s, when he spots Elizabeth’s boyfriend Finn with a woman who is definitely not Elizabeth. And let’s just say the woman can’t be mistaken for Finn’s sister or cousin or some other woman he’s not romantically involved with. Elizabeth actually has a date with Finn planned for later and has no idea that her man currently has another blonde draped all over him. Sam lets her know, but she doesn’t believe him, and not just because Finn would never go to Frankie’s, or any other townie bar. Apparently SVU students are very against mingling with non-SVU students.
On their date, Finn professes his undying affection for Elizabeth and asks to date exclusively. When she says yes, he decides it’s time for the sex to happen. Elizabeth has been thinking about this lot – though, for Elizabeth, even ten seconds of thinking about sex is a lot – and is edging closer to being ready to lose her virginity. She gets turned off, though, when Finn wants to get it on in his car in the parking lot. Fair enough. Finn invites her over to watch movies, though he can’t find any when they get to his place. SUSPICIOUS. They’re about to get horizontal when Elizabeth finds High Noon. Finn gets blocked by Gary Cooper.
Eventually Finn tries to undress Liz again, but she finally tells him she’s a virgin and wants to take things slowly. He assures her that they’ll move at her pace…as long as her pace leads them to the bedroom in the next five minutes. Elizabeth admits that she’s scared about her first time, which Finn says is very high school of her. What a compassionate, caring guy you’ve chosen here, Liz! She ends up running home, crying. Yeah, you’re not ready for this Liz.
On campus, Elizabeth sees Finn talking to another undergrad and thinks he’s getting her phone number. She realizes she doesn’t want to lose him to another girl. Yeah, that would be such a horrible loss. Finn thinks they should work through their sex anxiety by visualizing everything going well. Finn, if you want to picture your girlfriend naked, it’s not like she can stop you. They agree to finally do the deed on Saturday, after a party at the duplex.
Liz is still nervous but not backing out. She gets birth-control pills (a HUGE step for our girl), then wonders if they should also use a condom. Considering Finn’s popularity with the ladies, YES. She calls Finn to chat, but he’s busy with a supposed study group, which sounds suspiciously like just one woman. Poor, naïve Liz.
At the duplex party, Sam tries again to get Elizabeth to see that her boyfriend is a jerk. He brings up seeing Finn at Frankie’s, even getting Todd to confirm that he was there with another girl. Finn just calmly pleads innocent, and of course, Liz buys it. After spending some time at the party, they go to his place for their big night together. Only this time Elizabeth finally realizes for sure that she’s not ready.
Finn, of course, doesn’t react well. He calls Liz out for being a tease, and tells her she’s lucky he chose her since he can have any girl he wants. Then he calls up one of his other conquests and invites her over while Elizabeth is still standing right there. Liz tries to call Jessica to come get her, but she reaches Sam instead. He brings her home and manages to not say “I told you so” about what a jerk Finn turned out to be.
Sam, by the way, has spent the book being an idiot. He wants to show Elizabeth how much of a jerk he is so she’ll see how bad Finn is, too. I don’t get his logic. Anyway, he enlists an ex named Anna to pretend they’re hooking up just so he can toss her out the next morning and make Elizabeth think that guys are dogs, I guess. Since Elizabeth is dumb, it works. I don’t know how it’s going to make Liz want Sam, though.
In the last book, Chloe and her new friend Val were accepted as Theta pledges, and now they’re facing some hazing. A couple of Theta mean girls make the pledges do humiliating things like kiss sorority guys on command and give the sisters massages. In the cafeteria one day, Val is ordered to fat-shame her roommate, Deena. Val has started to grow tired of the Thetas’ shenanigans, and this is the last straw for her. She doesn’t want to be a part of a group that’s so mean to other people. She announces that she’s dropping out.
Chloe is given the task next, and she seriously considers doing it. After all, being a Theta is all she’s ever wanted (for the last two books). But she realizes that Val and Deena have become good friends of hers, and she’d rather spend time with them than with the Theta snobs. She ditches the task as well and quits the pledge process.
But! Denise and Jessica learn about the hazing and reprimand the sisters behind it for being so cruel. They don’t want Theta participating in demeaning activities, and they hope the pledges don’t hold the hazing against the rest of the sisters. They’ve decided that anyone who dropped out of the pledging can be reinstated. Val doesn’t really care, but Chloe’s thrilled. After spending some more time with Val and Deena, she goes to the party at the duplex and hangs out with a semi-nerd named Martin. She judges him harshly at first, then decides to take pity on him because he’s not as bad as she thought. Martin, run away!
Todd spends the whole book working and becoming more and more of a townie, because it makes him feel grown-up. He’s determined not to live off of his parents’ money, though he doesn’t mention to them that he’s dropped a few classes and therefore doesn’t need as much for tuition as they’ve been paying. Todd is annoying so I really don’t care about him anymore.
Nina’s been going out more, and has a crush on Xavier, a singer with a band called Wired. He seems really into her, but then he doesn’t call her after he says he would, and he brushes her off the next time they see each other. Nina’s fooled herself into thinking they’re dating, despite the fact that they’ve talked, like, twice and he would rather flirt with groupies. At the duplex party, guys keep talking to Nina, who’s suddenly a hot commodity. She only has eyes for Xavier, though, and by the end of the book, they’re about to head to bed together. P.S. It’s Elizabeth’s bed. So at least that piece of furniture is going to see some action.
Thoughts: For a med student, Finn sure has a lot of free time to go on dates, and a lot of money to spend at expensive restaurants.
“‘Girls like that don’t have one-night stands. So a guy’s gotta put on a little show. It’s not like I’m the only one who does it. All guys do.’ Not all guys, she corrected mentally.” You know, Liz, it’s usually the guy who says “not all men.”
The ghostwriter needs to NEVER write another sex scene. I want a promise in writing.
The ghostwriter also needs to stop thinking that college students call each other “darling.”
April 12, 2016
Summary: When Chloe first arrived at SVU, she was very much against joining a sorority, since she didn’t want to follow in her mother’s footsteps. But now that everyone in her dorm thinks she’s a dork, and she’s kind of become friends with Jessica, she’s desperate to join Theta and move into the sorority house. Chloe befriends a girl in her dorm, Val, and is so eager not to lose her that when Val says she also wants to become a Theta, Chloe decides to work extra-hard to get them both inducted.
Theta has just elected new officers: Denise is president, Alex is vice president, Lila is treasurer, and Jessica is pledge chairwoman. Jessica is immediately inundated with requests to consider new pledges. She was really excited about her new role, but that wears off pretty quickly since people only want to talk to her to kiss up or ask for a favor. Chloe doesn’t like that other girls are sucking up, either, but it’s because she can’t convince them that she and Jessica are totally BFFs. Chloe has totally deluded herself into thinking she’s not annoying and that Jess really wants to spend time with her.
The first step in making Val a viable pledge: a makeover! Chloe wants to turn Val from dorky to glam. Val has un-rush-worthy clothes and spends too much time with her dumpy roommate, Deena, which disgusts Chloe. Chloe, by the way, becomes a huge witch in this book, to the point where I can no longer tolerate her. She thinks that if Val keeps hanging out with Deena, Deena will ruin Val’s chances with Theta. Chloe takes Val shopping, buys her a bunch of new clothes, and pays for her to get a haircut. Val continually objects to letting Chloe spend so much money on her, but Chloe’s family is so rich that she doesn’t think her parents will even notice.
Rush week events begin, and Jessica is already sick of them. The girls rushing Theta are all idiots. Two of them make the huge mistake of saying homophobic things about Neil, not realizing that he and Jessica are best friends. They figure they’ve lost their shot at Theta because of that, but Jess tells them it’s really because Theta doesn’t want bigots. It’s a pretty awesome moment.
Chloe is shocked when Val hits it off really well with the Thetas – much better than Chloe herself does. Jess can see that Chloe’s trying really hard and reminds her that the whole sorority votes on new members. In other words, sucking up to Jess is a waste of time. But Chloe doesn’t catch the hint, and she hatches a plan to win Jessica over. She buys scalped tickets to a concert Jessica really wants to go to and offers them to Jess, pretending her mom bought them but Chloe can’t go. Even though Jess was really hoping to get tickets, she turns Chloe down, knowing it’s wrong to accept a bribe.
Val meets Chloe’s horrible roommate and her horrible friends, and again, Val manages to make a good impression. Chloe worries that Val will end up surpassing her in the popular department and ditch her, so she invites her to the concert. But then they run into a couple of Thetas who want to go to the concert, and Chloe gives them the tickets, deciding that a bribe is more important than having a good time with a new friend.
At the next rush event, Chloe goes on and on about how she’s a Theta legacy and her family’s rich and her mom is BFFs with some designer. Jess is irritated until someone calls Chloe out for lying about dating Tom. Jess comes to her defense, saying that Tom led her on. That night, Chloe starts worrying that she won’t get into Theta, and even wakes Val up to get reassurance. I really don’t know what Val sees in Chloe, especially since she’s starting to get that Chloe thinks Val will ruin her chances with Theta.
When it comes time for the Thetas to discuss pledges, it first seems like Chloe will be turned down. Jessica starts talking her up, though, and everyone begins to spin Chloe’s negatives into positives. I don’t understand this. Jess clearly can’t stand Chloe. Why is she going to bat for her? Anyway, the officers decide to give Chloe a little test.
On Bid Day, Val gets an offer from Theta, Jessica invites Chloe to breakfast off-campus. Chloe thinks she’s being taken somewhere private so Jess can break bad news to her where she can’t make a scene. They meet up with Lila, Alex, and Denise, and everyone but Chloe orders a huge breakfast. When they’re done, the Thetas all pretend they haven’t brought any money with them, so Chloe will have to pay. Chloe says she will, since she’s desperate to be a Theta and will do anything for a bid.
The girls imply that they’d like Chloe to buy new furniture for the house (didn’t Alison do that?), so if she agrees to, they’ll make her a Theta. Chloe says again that she’ll do anything because being a Theta is the most important thing in the world to her, despite the fact that she was so against it just a couple books ago. When bids go out, Val gets an offer from Theta, but Chloe gets nothing. Then Jessica tells her in person that Theta wants her, but they wanted to teach her a lesson about sucking up. I can’t believe they want to voluntarily spend time with this trainwreck of a girl.
Elizabeth is still seeing Finn, and since she hasn’t talked to him for a little while, she goes by the med school to see if she runs into him. She does, and she has to pretend she’s there to meet up with someone else. This makes Finn jealous, and he quickly invites Elizabeth to his place for dinner. Sam is also jealous because Liz likes Finn, but I really don’t care how Sam feels about anything.
The couple’s date goes well, but when Finn is ready for dessert, Elizabeth backs off. Oh, and by “dessert,” I mean sex. Elizabeth isn’t quite ready to take that step, so she asks Finn if they can slow things down. He’s all, “Yeah, that’s completely fine. Now I’m going to take you home for a completely unrelated reason.” Smooth, Doctor. He tries again after another date, using the excuse that he’s so into Liz that he can’t help himself. Red flag!
Elizabeth tells Jessica what’s going on, and Jess says she’s doing the right thing – Finn will be more interested in her if she keeps denying him sex. Yeah, that sounds like a foolproof plan. Off-screen, so to speak, Liz tells Finn about her relationships with Todd and Tom, and why she’s a little gun-shy. She’s still thinking over what to do the next time Finn brings up sex. Also, somehow their relationship has made her feel like she needs to stop fighting with Sam over stupid things, since she’s dating a man instead of a boy, which makes her more of an adult. Oh, just hook up with Sam already. We all know it’s going to happen.
Nina decides to move out of the duplex, thank God – her constant fighting with Sam was bugging the crap out of me. She gets a single in a dorm, but I guess she doesn’t have any friends other than Elizabeth, because she gets lonely pretty quickly. She meets a classmate named Francesca and agrees to go see a band with her. Nina has to study, so she plans to only go out for a few hours, but she ends up staying out until one in the morning. Then she decides to keep partying since she’s already out. Never mind that she has an 8 a.m. class.
After falling asleep in class, Nina goes to her dorm to take a quick nap before she has to go to her part-time job. The nap turns into an hours-long sleep, and Nina misses work. Francesca is completely unconcerned. Nina doesn’t seem to get that Francesca only cares about having fun. Then again, Nina’s decided that she needs to have more fun, even if it means her grades suffer a little. There’s no way this will turn out badly!
Todd gets the really boring plotline in this book. To make a long story short, Dana has moved out, and Todd wants to become a big ol’ bachelor. He decides to drop some classes and work more hours at the bar, possibly using some of his money to buy a motorcycle. He meets a girl named Lucy and they hit it off, but she cools off on him when she finds out he works at a “townie” bar. He hangs out with a friend all night and decides going to class isn’t that important, now that he’s a grown-up with a grown-up job. Yeah, good luck explaining that logic to your parents.
Thoughts: In a throwaway moment, we learn that Neil lost the election. Boo!
Finn wears “a black Armani jacket, Levi’s, and loafers without socks.” Run away, Elizabeth! Never trust a guy who wears loafers without socks.
A girl named Angela asks Jessica if she can eat coconut, since she’s allergic to nuts. Jessica can’t believe she’s never had coconut before. Angela says it’s because she’s from Michigan. Jessica doesn’t know what that has to do with anything, but she realizes she doesn’t know if coconut is a nut. My head hurts.
January 9, 2016
Summary: Donna’s spending the evening at home, eating ice cream and talking to Felice on the phone. She insists that she’s not feeling sorry for herself just because she’s not dating anyone. Felice asks after David, and Donna says he’s still dating Camille. Kelly and Matt come home during the conversation and barely make it to the bedroom before starting to fool around. Donna’s like, “Great, everyone’s in a happy relationship except me.” Also, the walls in the bedrooms are really thin.
Donna turns on David’s radio show, where a guy’s complaining about how much women talk. The theme for the night is sexual fantasies, which David will rate for each caller. Camille calls in to talk about having sex in public. Donna’s night isn’t looking up at all. Why doesn’t she go hang out with her mom?
At the Peach Pit the next day, Kelly tells Steve and Janet about an ad campaign she’s working on for a guy named Borst who sells sausage. She asks if she can use Maddy for the campaign, but Steve doesn’t like the idea of his daughter becoming a child actress. Janet notes that Maddy can eventually use the money for college. She overrides Steve and agrees to the ad. Outside, Kelly runs into Dylan and Matt, who are planning a road trip that weekend. Kelly wonders what they’ll talk about, since she’s the only thing they have in common.
Donna tries to ignore happy couples at the boutique. She tells Camille she heard her on the radio, then almost gets a repeat performance when David calls to set up a date with Camille. Borst looks over the prospects for the commercial baby, easily settling on Maddy. “She’s lead bun,” another mother tells Janet. Janet’s proud.
At the After Dark, a customer named Ellen orders a martini but gets served a soda. Noah recognizes her from AA and doesn’t want to serve her alcohol. David swings by the boutique to pick up Camille, but she has to work late unexpectedly. David has a different idea, closing the doors and turning off the lights so they can have sex right there in the store.
Noah drives Ellen home, having stopped her from compromising her sobriety. He reminisces about his time on the ocean and suggests that they spend the night hanging out at the beach. Donna goes to the boutique after hours and catches David and Camille half-naked. Janet’s time on the commercial set has taken from her work responsibilities, but she thinks Maddy’s “career” is more important. She’s also baking cookies for someone in the front office. Steve tells her she’s out of control.
Noah and Ellen spent all night talking and falling luuuuuuuuv. When he takes her home, she asks him to stay with her. Camille tries to smooth things over with Donna, who’s disinfecting the floor of the boutique. Camille tells David that Donna’s overreacting because she wants him back. David argues that he didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah, sweetie, she didn’t say you did. Camille can’t believe that David doesn’t see what’s going on.
Borst wants to retool the ad, so Maddy’s no longer needed. Janet’s upset that her daughter’s losing her chance at a big break. Kelly tries to cheer her up by telling her the cookies were a big hit. Donna summons Kelly to the Peach Pit to tell her how uncomfortable things are at the boutique now. Kelly tells her to chill – as long as Donna doesn’t tell David how she feels, he’s free to see other people.
Speaking of Donna’s exes, Noah introduces Ellen to Donna and Kelly. Kelly talks Donna up, then leaves. The ensuing conversation between Donna and Ellen is even more awkward than the situation between Donna and Camille. Dylan and Matt head off on their road trip, which I think is just an excuse for Luke Perry and Daniel Cosgrove to ride dirt bikes. They come across a campground in the desert and are invited to a party.
Donna eats her feelings at the Peach Pit, trying to be happy that Noah’s found a nice new girlfriend. A dirt biker named Amy gives Matt a drink that he doesn’t realize has been spiked with acid. This sounds familiar. Noah finds Ellen at the Beverly Royale, where she’s been served a real martini. She thinks Donna disapproves of their relationship, and she doesn’t get why Noah would want to be with her, since she’s a loser temp. Noah reveals that he got Ellen a permanent job. Yay, all her problems are solved!
Kelly doesn’t like the way Borst’s ad has turned out, and she feels really bad that Janet and Maddy got shut out of it. She thinks Janet should come see what’s going on. In the desert, a delightfully stoned Matt thanks Dylan for arranging such an awesome trip. Janet visits the commercial set, where Steve has been cast as a Viking. Cue the sausage double entendres. Steve could end up in a national campaign, which thrills him. “I’m the Sausage King!” he cries.
David goes by the boutique to talk to Donna about what Camille thinks is going on with them. Instead, they reminisce about a high school dance they went to together, and Donna says that they’ve changed a lot since then. David decides not to bring up Camille’s suspicions that Donna wants him back.
In the desert, Matt tries to network while shirtless. He gets more punch, exclaiming, “I don’t do drugs!” and giggling when Amy tells him the secret ingredient. Dylan tells another partygoer that he and Matt are in love with the same woman, and Matt’s going to marry her. While the partygoer shows Dylan her tent, Matt and Amy start making out.
The next morning, Dylan’s happy and Matt is confused that there’s a woman in his sleeping bag who’s not his fiancée. Steve wears his Viking helmet around the house and is sad to hear that Borst changed his mind again. There are more sausage double entendres. Janet confiscates Steve’s hat. Dylan and Matt head home, trying to downplay the fact that Matt slept with Amy. When Matt gets back to the beach apartment, he doesn’t say a word about it to Kelly.
Thoughts: Ellen is played by Heidi Noelle Lenhart, who was on one of my favorite shows as a kid, California Dreams. (Think Saved by the Bell with singing.) Borst is played by Gary Grubbs.
Maddy is super-adorable, in or out of a hot dog costume.
Why would you introduce a new love interest for the show’s most boring character when there are only six episodes left? In other news, there are only six episodes left!
High Matt makes me happy. I mean, yeah, drugs are bad, stay in school, kids, but really, it’s entertaining.
December 27, 2015
Summary: It’s 12:41 a.m. in the Hollywood Hills, and a man is drinking wine and looking at a faraway fire. He tells the woman he’s with that he doesn’t usually send his family on vacation so he can hook up with someone he met at a company party. The woman promises to “do things with [him] no one’s ever done.” They start out kissing in a hot tub, but the man stops enjoying himself when the woman bites him. Suddenly there are other people there, beating the man. And that’s why you don’t cheat on your wife with a woman you just met.
With the X-Files division now reopened, Mulder returns to his office, flipping his calendar from August to November. He places the file about Scully’s abduction in his file cabinet, along with her badge and glasses. He keeps the cross necklace. Mulder then goes to L.A. to look into the death of the man, seemingly by a group of serial killers. All of their victims are drained of blood, and all mirrors in their houses are smashed. They also use their victims’ blood to write John 52:54 on the wall: “He who eats of my flesh and drinks of my blood shall have eternal life.”
Mulder asks if the man, Garrett Lorre, was a father. A local officer, Carver, confirms that he had three children. Mulder says all the victims are of various backgrounds and placements in their families. The killers see themselves as an “unholy trinity.” Mulder finds the needle they use to extract their victims’ blood, then store it to drink later. He thinks they should be looking for people who live in the city and work around blood products.
Carver’s happy to have Mulder come on board the investigation, but Mulder insists that he works alone. Carver’s skeptical about an FBI agent not working with a partner. His department is busy because of the fires in the canyon, so he can’t provide much help. Mulder says he doesn’t need it. He gets to work tracking down a recent hire at a blood bank, a night watchman named Frank. A janitor at the blood bank complains that the night watchman keeps breaking light bulbs.
Mulder checks out a lab, where he finds a guy having a snack from a bag of blood. When he takes the snacker to the police station, the guy yells for the police to turn off the lights. Mulder turns on a red one and the guy calms down. He’s still hungry, though, so he takes a drink from his hand. He refuses to talk to anyone but Mulder, who he knows has figured out what he is. “He is the Father, I am the Son, and she is the Unholy Spirit,” he says.
Mulder accuses the three of them of killing Lorre, but the Son denies that they committed murder – after all, it’s not murder when an animal has another for a meal. He continues that there’s no afterlife; there can’t be, since the people whose lives he takes are so scared when they die. The Son is confident that he’ll never have to face that. Mulder asks if it’s just a myth that vampires can’t see their own reflections. The Son says he can’t be seen in a mirror, though Mulder’s looking at his reflection right now.
The Son tells Mulder that he’ll know “the price” is worth it when he’s old but still looks the way he does now. Mulder promises to have him spared the death penalty if he helps with the investigation. If the Son doesn’t help, he’ll have to face the sun, which Mulder knows will kill a vampire. The Son won’t talk, so Mulder leaves, telling the other officers to cover the windows if he changes his mind. “What if he turns into a bat and flies out through the bars?” an officer asks, clearly over this. Mulder says they need to play along if they want answers. The officer encourages Mulder to get some rest, but Mulder says he doesn’t sleep anymore.
As the sun becomes brighter in the Son’s cell, he starts blistering and smoking. So that’s the end of the Son. A doctor tells Mulder that his body shows signs of being exposed to extreme temperatures. Mulder’s surprised, since he thought the Son just had a psychological problem. The doctor says he could have porphyria, which causes blisters on someone exposed to sun, as well as a blood deficiency. However, he thinks the Son’s bloodlust was too extreme for that. Mulder and the doctor find a stamp on the Son’s hand reading “Club Tepes.”
Mulder checks out the club, chatting/flirting with a woman who can tell that he lost someone. When she opens her purse to get money to pay for their drinks, Mulder sees a syringe. They exchange a few words from John, and the woman guesses that Mulder isn’t really interested in the club. She tells him that she takes people’s lives inside her. Mulder wants to hear more, so he follows her off as a creepy-looking guy at the bar takes notice.
In another room, the woman, Kristen, uses the syringe to prick her finger, then tries to feed her blood to Mulder. He stops her, mentioning the threat of AIDS. He’s surprised that she’s not afraid, too. “I wish I could die,” she replies. She moves on to another patron, inviting him to suck her finger before they leave together. Mulder follows as Creepy Guy watches. Mulder ends up on Melrose Avenue at a restaurant called Ra, as in the god of the sun. Mulder thinks he’s found the Father.
He peeks inside to see Kristen drinking her new buddy’s blood. She realizes Mulder’s there, so he runs off. Kristen’s buddy catches him, slamming him to the ground and telling him to go away – they’re consenting adults. When the guy goes back in, he can’t find Kristen. Suddenly he’s attacked by Creepy Guy, then a woman, in a scene similar to Lorre’s death. When the police and Mulder come to investigate, Mulder calls in a forensic dentist and asks him to look for anything strange. Mulder examines the scene and finds broken mirrors. The dentist tells Mulder that the victim was bitten by three different people.
Mulder looks into Kristen, who it appears is connected to murders in Portland and Memphis. He thinks she could be the Unholy Spirit. Some officers go to her apartment, where they find syringes and a piece from a snakebite kit that’s used to extract blood. Also, there’s bread in the oven. Its special filling is blood. Yum! Mulder declares that Kristen’s not coming back. But in the middle of the night, she does, and Mulder’s there waiting for her. He says that he knows she baked the bloody bread because of an old Eastern European legend that it would protect her.
Kristen thinks Mulder’s there because he wants to know that the three killers are who he thinks they are. There’s some talk about blood, and apparently Kristen considers this foreplay. Mulder asks how she’s connected to the murders in Portland and Memphis. She tells him her father abused her when she was a child, and she always felt dead. One night he knocked out a couple of her teeth, and when she tasted blood, she knew she was alive. The Son, John, also abused Kristen, so she bit his lip in revenge. After that, they engaged in “blood sports,” but he took things too far, so she left.
Mulder guesses that the killers are following Kristen. She tells him she’s tired of running, so she’s happy to have Mulder protect her. She notices his cross necklace, and he says it’s from someone he lost. He tells her that the Son is dead, but the killers have found a third, so they’re killing again. He wants Kristen to come back to the police station with him. She declines, so Mulder volunteers to stay. He notices that she has no mirrors in her apartment, which will make it hard to shave. Kristen will do it for him. Freaking A, just have sex already.
Kristen nicks Mulder’s face and starts to taste his blood, but he stops her. He says it’s not who she is and it won’t make her happy. What will make her happy is having sex with him. Neither of them notices that they’re being watched through a window…by the Son. Sometime later, the Son lets himself into the apartment and tells Kristen that it’s true – they can live forever. He knows because the Spirit showed him. Kristen can join them, if she likes. She just needs to cut Mulder open and drain him.
Kristen takes a knife to the bedroom, but instead of hurting Mulder, she tells him to leave – the fires are moving in. He notices the knife and manages to get out of the way as she swings it toward him. But she’s not stabbing him, she’s stabbing Creepy Guy, who was standing in the shadows. Kristen tells Mulder that the Son’s alive, so he starts to lead her out of the apartment. The Son attacks him, and Mulder ties him up with a lamp cord. As he and Kristen are about to leave, the woman from the murders – the Unholy Spirit – shows up. Kristen kills her with her car. Well, that was anticlimactic.
Mulder goes back inside to get the Son, since Kristen doesn’t want to leave without him. While he’s gone, Kristen drives off by herself. Mulder runs off to see where she went, and Kristen goes back to the apartment to burn it down with the Son inside. He tells her she can become immortal if she takes a life, so Kristen says she’ll take her own. The apartment goes boom. Firefighters find four dead bodies inside. Mulder looks meaningfully at Scully’s cross necklace. The episode finally ends.
Thoughts: This episode is so dumb! Mulder only looks for one of the killers. He doesn’t seem at all suspicious that Kristen could be one of them. There’s no motive given for why the killers go after random people, considering they’re supposedly trying to find Kristen. The fires are mentioned a few times but they have nothing to do with the plot. The FBI only sent one agent to investigate a serial killer. I blame Scully’s absence for the stupidity.
Perry Reeves, who plays Kristen, was David Duchovny’s girlfriend for a while in the ’90s.
The vampires need to go back to Sunday School – there’s no John 52:54. They mean John 6:52-54.
Tepes means impaler. As in Vlad the. Clever.
December 19, 2015
Summary: David and Donna are hanging out at the Walsh house, cooing over Maddy. Janet wants to set Donna up on a date, promising that she’ll arrange something casual for a group. Noah shows up to play that pinball machine that’s been in the house for years. He’s drunk, so Donna drives him home. At the Beverly Royale, Steve and Dylan watch Rock and Roll Jeopardy, which Steve sucks at. He changes the channel and comes across a news report about an emergency landing at LAX. One of the passengers getting off the plane looks just like Jack McKay.
The next morning, Kelly gets ready for her first day at her new job, dreading her anti-gay-club assignment. Donna let Noah spent the night on the couch at the beach apartment, wanting to pay him back for how he offered her help her after her father died. Dylan and Steve go to the airport for some answers; Steve thinks there was some big stunt and Jack faked his death. He asks if Jack’s name was on the list of passengers on the flight, but the airline won’t disclose the information.
Kelly has to rewrite a speech at work, and she’s clearly the only one who’s not in support of their mission. At the Walsh house, Steve and David talk about Jack, and David worries about how Dylan will be affected. He overhears Donna, Janet, and Camille talking about a fur coat but thinks they’re talking about orgasms. (For example, Camille has only had fake ones, and Donna knows David will never give Camille one.) Donna’s sort-of date, Irv, shows up for dinner, and Donna’s pleased that he’s both nice and attractive. Then Noah crashes the party, guessing that Irv is Donna’s date.
At the Peach Pit the next day, David tells Steve and Matt about his hopes of having sex with Camille that night. Steve’s eager to hear about other people’s sex lives because Janet’s pregnancy and Maddy’s birth have left him a little wanting. David’s worried since he’s under the impression that “Camille can’t be satisfied.” Matt and Steve promise to help him be prepared. I already hate this plotline.
Pia disapproves of Kelly’s speech, since she’s not painting gay students as villains, basically. They’re supposed to do the job they were hired to do, not take sides. Dylan and Steve go to a storage facility so he can look through Jack’s papers and find a way to get in touch with Christine. Steve thinks she’s behind everything. Dylan discovers that the lock on the storage unit has been broken. Inside, it’s clear that someone has already been there, looking for something.
Outside the boutique, Donna tells Janet that she’s brought Camille on as a partner at the store. They complain about how sickeningly romantic Camille and David have become. They’ve only been together two weeks, by the way. Janet assures Donna that she and Irv will be great together, but right now she’s worried about where things stand between Donna and Noah. Donna says that Noah’s going back to AA, and everything will be fine.
Dylan ambushes Christine at her office and asks if Jack is alive. She claims he’s dead, so Dylan gives her a tape of the news broadcast. She also claims that she doesn’t know about anyone breaking into the storage unit. Dylan reminds Christine that she loved Jack. She says that if he were alive, she would still be with him, but he’s not. David and Camille have a date at his house, then start to get it on.
At the Peach Pit the next day, David tells Steve that things seemed to go well with Camille; in fact, she enjoyed herself “several times.” Steve’s confused that a woman who has supposedly never had an orgasm, and presumably faked it with every other guy she was with, went from 0 to 60 with David. Kelly arrives, and Steve asks her about her job assignment. Janet saw the speech on TV, and it changed her mind. Kelly’s not as happy as she should be that her speech changed one person’s vote.
Christine calls Dylan to her office to tell him that Jack’s name wasn’t on the passenger list. Dylan’s not surprised – he’s probably in witness protection, so he wouldn’t be traveling under his real name. Christine continues that the storage unit was broken into a while ago, along with a few others. The police weren’t able to get in touch with Dylan. Dylan notes that he never actually saw Jack get in the car, and he never saw a body, so it’s possible that he’s alive. Christine tells him to give up on the investigation already.
At the boutique, Janet helps Donna pick out a dress for her next date with Irv. David shows up, and Donna and Janet tell him that Camille was very happy with him on their first night together. David brings up the conversation he overheard, and they tell him they were talking about furs. Now he feels dumb. Noah calls, and Janet and David keep Donna from picking up the phone. Janet thinks Noah’s using his trauma to keep Donna in his life. Donna’s mad that no one else is being a good friend to him.
Camille hangs out with David in the After Dark radio booth that night; the theme is dumb assumptions people have made about their significant others. He comes clean about the fur coat/orgasm confusion, and she’s horrified to realize that he talked to Steve about her in the context of sex. David advises his listeners to keep their mouths shut about those assumptions until it’s necessary to talk about them.
Donna and Irv are there for their date, but it’s not going well. She tells him he’s great, and she was looking forward to the date, but she feels like she should be with Noah right now instead. She’s worried that he hasn’t shown up to work tonight. Irv decides that Donna isn’t as single as he thought she was. Dylan returns to the storage unit to sort through Jack’s things, telling Kelly that he hasn’t gotten anywhere with the investigation. She thinks he should use this opportunity to reflect on his life. He tells her he misses his dad.
Donna tells David that she tried to smooth things over with Camille for him, but now she’s going to stop helping him, since he’s been giving people bad advice. Then he gives her some more: She needs to stop dropping everything to help Noah. David’s worried that she’ll keep losing out on great guys because Noah keeps coming first.
Pia’s pleased that Kelly was able to put her feelings aside for her job. Kelly talks about the possibility of having a gay child, and how she would prefer to support him instead of making him feel isolated. She’s not cut out for this kind of job, so she quits. She goes to the hotel, where Dylan’s watching the news report again. He gives her the tape and tells her to get rid of it. Kelly reveals that she was able to get the passenger list through connections at the PR firm.
Camille goes to David’s to give him a second chance, so…whatever. David gets to have sex. Good for him. At the beach apartment, Kelly and Donna wake up in the middle of the night, hearing noises on the deck. They call the police while Matt goes to check things out. Someone crashes through a window and Matt knocks him out with a baseball bat. When Kelly turns on the lights, they all realize the intruder is Noah.
Steve pays Dylan a late-night visit to express his regrets for making him think his father might be alive. Dylan reminisces about singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” with Jack, and how much they liked watching baseball games together. They especially liked The Natural, which includes a character who disappears, then returns. The character in the book was based on a real person named Eddie Waitkus. Dylan found the same name on the passenger list, and he’s sure it’s a fake used by Jack.
Thoughts: Call me crazy, but maybe if you’re hiding from the mob, you should make sure you don’t show up on TV?
Remember Rock and Roll Jeopardy? That show was awesome. That was before I started yelling at Jeff Probst for being annoying on Survivor.
I don’t remember Noah offering Donna any kind of help in the last episode. In fact, I remember him avoiding her the entire episode.
Irv? No. No twenty-something is named Irv.
December 8, 2015
Summary: Liz has FINALLY filled her parents in on Jessica’s condition, and they’ve taken her home to get her some help. Ned, Alice, and Steven wonder why Elizabeth didn’t notice sooner that Jess was such a wreck. Instead of admitting that she did notice, and just tried a bunch of ineffective things to snap her out of it, Elizabeth whines that she has a life and can’t be with her twin 24 hours a day. Never mind that she WAS with Jessica 24 hours a day, or that everything Elizabeth was doing that wasn’t about Jess was dumb. Liz has a hissy fit and goes back to school.
Jessica sees someone outside her window and thinks it’s her guardian angel. She spends most of the book on this topic, making people think she’s either seeing things or that she has a stalker. Steven actually has a smart idea, wanting to call the police, an especially good move since we know Nick was killed by a guy with some pretty dangerous connections, and it would be reasonable to fear that they would come after Jessica, too. Also, we know she’s being watched, since we keep getting sections from her stalkers point of view. He’s trying to find a moment when he can get her alone.
When Elizabeth gets back to school, she goes to see Mike, because why should Jessica’s mental health be more important than Liz’s barely-first-base action? They make out a little, but Liz balks at going any further. Partly it’s because Mike slept with her sister, which is, admittedly, weird. But she’d still rather hang out with Mike than answer any of Jessica’s messages.
Ned and Alice’s big solution for Jessica’s problems is to bring over a psychiatrist and give Jess the sedatives he prescribes. Amazingly, Jess doesn’t get better! She gets a little crazier every day, mainly because Elizabeth won’t talk to her. Jess worries that something bad happened to her like it happened to Nick.
Liz is sent to L.A. to cover a story about an extreme-sports TV network, which is hosting some sort of competition. (This will come up in the next book.) Mike tracks her down there and they come very, very close to hooking up. Elizabeth wants to, since everyone sees her as a prude, and she wants to prove that she can have a purely physical relationship. Yes, Liz, this is a perfectly mature response to people being mean to you. Elizabeth panics over buying condoms and realizes she’s not ready for sex. Especially sex with her sister’s ex-husband.
Back in Sweet Valley, Jessica is worse than ever – she thought Elizabeth was coming for a family dinner, but Liz doesn’t show up. Jess tries to call her at her hotel, but Mike has asked the receptionist not to put through any calls. This just makes Jess even more worried that something bad has happened to her twin. She sees her guardian angel again, but now her family thinks the sedatives are making her hallucinate. So…maybe have her stop taking them? No? You’re not going to do that? Okay.
The guardian angel leaves Elizabeth a note letting her know that Jessica needs her. Thanks for your help, angel! This sends Liz back home, where the sisters make up. Then Jess gets really clingy, which is unsettling. She tells Elizabeth all about her angel, leading Liz to tell her she needs to get over Nick’s death already. Thanks for helping, Liz! She continues that she has a life and can’t waste her time dealing with Jessica’s stupid problems, like depression and possible psychosis because her boyfriend was murdered. I mean, Jess is such a drama queen, right? Like, move on already!
Somehow, Jessica doesn’t punch her sister in the face. Instead, she says Elizabeth is right, and she appreciates what Liz has done for her. You mean how she abandoned you? I know, that was great of her, right? I think this is all supposed to seem like Elizabeth was using tough love on her sister, but it’s more like she’s selfish and didn’t want to have to deal with Jess, so she ignored her until Jess came to her senses.
Then Elizabeth starts to do something useful: She wants to get Jess’ expulsion from SVU revoked. She and Nina (who has temporarily moved into the twins’ dorm room because Liz is lonely, and because Nina needs something to do) decide to use the angle that Jess is suffering from a mental-health disorder and should be protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. The school should have noticed that something was wrong and done more to help her. Never mind that ELIZABETH didn’t do more to help Jess. Also, they didn’t give her a fair expulsion hearing, which is the only part of this I will go along with.
Liz and Tom once did a story about the ADA, so she goes to him to get their notes. While they’re working together, and actually getting along again, Lila calls (more on that later). Elizabeth thinks Tom is getting ready for a super-special date with a super-special lady, which sets off her poor-me-I’m-so-neglected siren. You broke up, Liz. You were two seconds from having sex with Mike. Chill out.
Armed with what must be pretty flimsy information on the ADA, Elizabeth and Steven come up with a plan. She approaches the dean and threatens to sue the school if Jessica’s situation isn’t reviewed. There’s no resolution in this book, but I think we can all expect Jess to be reinstated at SVU, though hopefully they’ll have her go through an extensive psychological evaluation first.
Meanwhile, Jessica decides that her sedatives are messing with her head, so she stops taking them. Then she decides that since she stopped seeing the angel when she quit the pills, there must be a connection, so she starts taking them again. Then she decides to just take a bunch and take care of the whole situation altogether. She leaves Elizabeth a goodbye message and then starts having weird dreams or visions or something. Elizabeth gets the message and heads back to Sweet Valley.
The angel finds Jessica outside the house, and Jess finally realizes it’s Nick. Yes, friends, Nick faked his death to save his own life, but didn’t tell Jessica because he knew she’d never let him go, and the truth would put her in danger. Somehow this is better for her? Whatever, Nick. He tells her he’s okay, and that he’ll always love her. Fortunately, Elizabeth finds Jessica before the pills kill her, and I assume she’s okay even after overdosing on sedatives. At least now she knows her dead boyfriend isn’t really dead. Hooray, she’s cured!
Danny’s having a really tough time with Isabella gone. He’s getting drunk every night to try to forget her, but it still doesn’t take his mind off of the fact that he might never see her again. Tom thinks he would feel better if he were allowed to talk to Isabella, so he sets out to find out which clinic her parents took her to. He makes some calls, but can’t get any answers, not least because he doesn’t speak German or French. Finally he realizes that Lila might know where Isabella is. But Lila won’t give up the information without a catch: Tom has to come on a double date with her, Bruce, and a prospective student named Chloe Murphy.
Tom reluctantly goes on the date, thinking Chloe will be just like Lila. But Chloe’s not like other girls! She reads the New York Times! She’s interested in things other than clothes and country clubs! Tom really hopes she decides to come to SVU when she finishes high school. Keep it in your pants, Tom.
As for Danny, he calls the clinic, but Isabella’s father won’t let her talk to him, even when Isabella says she wants to. Mr. Ricci thinks everyone at SVU is on drugs, and that Danny’s a bad influence on his daughter. Danny wishes he’d never made the call in the first place. He goes back to drinking, and is offered drugs by a guy at a bar. Even though drugs are what took Isabella away from him in the first place, he contemplates taking some.
Dana starts out the book thinking that she wants to take things slowly with Todd. That doesn’t last long. After a run-in with Elizabeth, who tells Todd that Dana’s a bad choice in girlfriends, Dana throws out her plans, and she and Todd start going at it like bunnies. Then she starts talking about marriage and makes him panic. Oops!
Thoughts: For the record, Prince Albert is still alive.
“It’s macho jerks like Patman who make it harder for the rest of us.” Tom, sweetie, you’re a macho jerk, too.
“That way we can get on with our relationship, and you can get on with being lonely and bitter…or whatever it is you do when you and Tom Watts aren’t busy with your tedious little on-again, off-again love-hate drama.” I have newfound respect for Dana.
Chloe’s taking a feminist-law class, which means she really shouldn’t spend any more time with Tom.
October 10, 2015
Summary: Steve dozes at the Walshes’ while Kelly, Donna, and Janet work on wedding details. Donna mentions that Noah’s going to start moving into the beach apartment. Janet complains that her and Steve’s parents don’t care about the wedding (which they haven’t even set a date for yet). Right now, all Steve cares about is the strippers he’s dreaming about. Janet invades his dream to ask a question about the wedding reception.
Dylan meets with Andrew to go over activities for the kids at the community center. He needs more funds, so Dylan writes a big check. He’d rather give money than actually volunteer. Gina suggests that she and Dylan volunteer together, which is hilarious. Kelly runs into David at the Peach Pit and tells him that Mel is a pig – she’s heard about Mel’s visit to the strip club. Now that Jackie knows, she’s kicking him out. “My daddy looked at a naked girl, so Kelly’s mommy kicked him out,” David tells Gina, who plays dumb about how Jackie might have found out. Kelly’s on to her, though, and hates both her and Noah.
Janet works on the nursery, hoping to get it done quickly so she and Steve can move on to wedding plans. She gets emotional and tells Steve she doesn’t want to be pregnant when they get married. Steve tells her she doesn’t need to be insecure about anything. Janet suggests that they set a date for the wedding.
Dylan and Andrew have dinner together, and Andrew mentions that he’s gay. Dylan clearly doesn’t have any problem with it, but Andrew isn’t out. He’s stayed in the closet because he’s worried about how people will react to him working with kids. Dylan’s like, “What decade is this?” Just then, a group of guys jumps out and attacks Dylan and Andrew, thinking they’re a couple. Dylan gets the better of one, but Andrew is a little banged up.
Janet panics about baby and wedding stress again, but Steve has an idea. It involves their friends. Dylan takes Andrew to his hotel and calls the police, who need the guys to make a statement. Andrew won’t make one – the press will find out he’s gay, and he doesn’t want to deal with the backlash. He’s scared he’ll be branded a pervert. Dylan points out that if they don’t put the bashers in jail, they’ll go after someone else. Andrew tells him to make the statement for both of them.
Gina comes home and tells Dylan that her mom wants them to visit. She’s pleased that Bobbi actually wants to spend time with her. Dylan points out that Gina never wants to spend time with her; why is she so excited about a visit? Gina asks if Dylan knows anything about her. They spend all their time together, but Dylan never seems to care what she’s talking about. And yet she keeps coming back…
Steve and Janet gather the gang at the After Dark to send them on a scavenger hunt. Nat announces that there will be a party at the end. It’s to serve as a combination baby shower/bachelor party/bachelorette party. Everyone will work in teams, and if they get stuck, they can call an emergency number for help. There’s no cheating, and Steve and Janet won’t be paying any speeding tickets. (Heh.)
The teams are Donna and Matt; David, Kelly, and Noah (bad idea); and Dylan and Gina (worse idea). Each team gets a box containing the first clue and any “tools” they may need. Donna and Matt rush off before even looking at the clue. Kelly, David, and Noah turn out to get a good team, quickly figuring out that they need to go to a copy center. Gina and Dylan will probably kill each other before they figure out the first clue.
Once David, Kelly, and Noah are in the car, things get awkward, since Kelly wants to talk about how many times Mel may have cheated on Jackie. David points out that Jackie’s the one breaking up the marriage. Kelly replies that she’s not the one who cheated. Noah tries to argue that not every stripper at the club was a stripper. Kelly’s like, “Semantics don’t matter when my mom and sister are angry at Mel.”
Donna and Matt are first to the copy center, where they have to use photos of various body parts to make a calendar: “P.S. Extra points for photocopying your butt.” Donna volunteers Matt’s butt. Good call, Donna. They quickly get to work, finishing as David, Noah, and Kelly arrive. Noah asks Donna to switch teams since Kelly’s being a jerk. She agrees but reminds him that he and Kelly are about to be roommates. Donna’s smart enough to take her and Matt’s photos, so he’ll have to redo the task with Noah.
The next clue sends teams to a house owned by a family who puts up Christmas decorations in November. The racers will be stealing some of the decorations (which will be returned at the end of the race). Dylan and Gina are still on their way to the copy center, though Gina’s more interested in helping a stray dog. Dylan tells her they’re not getting a dog, which makes Gina complain about their strained relationship.
Noah and Matt head to the Christmas house to do some stealing. “Smells like a felony to me!” Matt says. Noah finds and starts blowing up an inflatable doll. A cop sees them, and the guys try to pretend nothing strange is going on but get pulled over anyway. At the Christmas house, David stays back to be the getaway driver while Donna and Kelly take decorations and the next clue. They get caught by the homeowner, who’s excited to participate – she met her husband on a scavenger hunt.
Dylan and Gina arrive next, fighting about the dog. David agrees to go with Gina to get the stray, so we have another team switch. Kelly, Donna, and Dylan next go to a mattress store to take a photo with an employee on a bed (wearing footie pajamas). Andrew calls Dylan to tell him that he needs to view a lineup the next day. Andrew still refuses to participate. Kelly and Donna bug him about Gina, pointing out that they shouldn’t be dating if they can’t handle spending an hour in a car together.
Gina and Dylan take the dog to a vet, and she complains more about Dylan. She wishes he were more like David. At the mattress store, Dylan and an increasingly competitive Donna convince a store employee to take a picture with a pajama-wearing Dylan. The next clue tells the team to find the classified ad Janet answered for the job Steve and Brandon gave her at the Beverly Beat. Somehow, the task involves math.
Donna and Dylan work on it while Kelly answers Donna’s phone. Noah’s calling from the Christmas house, wanting to talk to Donna. Kelly refuses to hand over the phone, telling Noah to call the emergency number and quit. The mattress-store employee did well on his math SAT, so he helps Dylan with the clue. He comes up with the number 15,488. The racers combine that with a picture of a sunset and decide it means the party is at 15488 Sunset Boulevard.
Gina’s upset to learn that the stray dog isn’t actually a stray, and will be allowed to go back to her owners. She objects to them getting back the dog they let wander in traffic. That’s not how you treat someone you love. Do you guys get it? David’s more concerned with the fact that they named the dog Joan. Heh. Gina takes the dog and tells the vet to let the family know they can call her to get Joan back.
Everyone else ends up at 15488 Sunset Boulevard, though Noah and Matt had to call the emergency number. Donna, Kelly, and Dylan have won the race, which is good, because Donna would probably be insufferable if she’d lost. The final clue gives some information about the location, saying that today it will unite two-and-a-half people. Nat appears and plugs in some lights as “Here Comes the Bride” plays. Steve and Janet are getting married there, right now.
The bride and groom exchange some very nice vows and are declared husband and wife. They have their reception at the Beverly Royale, laughing over Dylan’s picture from the mattress store. The wedding location was something old. The mattress Dylan posed on is now Janet and Steve’s, their something new. The Christmas lights are something borrowed, and the calendars are something(s) blue. Steve wonders what happened to the blow-up doll. The prize for the scavenger hunt is a gift certificate to the Peach Pit. Thanks for showing up, Nat.
Dylan toasts the newlyweds, who share their first dance. Janet wishes their parents had been there, but Steve points out that that would have been a disaster. Janet’s hopeful that their families will come around someday. Steve’s happy even though things didn’t come together the way they’d imagined. Kelly still won’t talk to Noah, who reminds her that the strippers and dancers weren’t any kind of victims. For example, one of them, Trina, was there to make money to take care of her kids. Some people make mistakes and do what they have to do to get by.
Later, Kelly sees how happy Steve and Janet are and tells Matt that’s what she wants someday. Matt decides to conspire to make sure Kelly catches Janet’s bouquet. Dylan tells Kelly, “She doesn’t hold a candle to you on your wedding day.” Then he tells Gina he’ll go visit Bobbi with her. Gina says she just wanted to spend more time with him; how else will they end up like Steve and Janet? Dylan tells her they might not get a happily ever after.
Gina storms off, asking David to take her somewhere. He tells her he can’t hang out with her if they’re only going to be friends. Back at the reception, Dylan arranges for Steve and Janet to spend the night in the penthouse, but they already have a place to stay. Donna, Kelly, and Noah return the Christmas decorations before Kelly goes to spend the night with Matt so Donna and Noah can have the apartment to themselves. Donna tells Noah she wants to do something to help Trina, but he admits that she doesn’t exist. Kelly doesn’t have to know.
While David and Gina end up in bed together, Kelly goes to see Dylan. She remembered that no one took pictures of her at her and Brandon’s aborted wedding, so how does he know how she looked? Turns out he was there but left before he had to watch her marry someone else. They agree that he shouldn’t have brought it up.
Thoughts: This episode was really fun! Steve and Janet’s idea was adorable. The wedding was really sweet. And there were a lot of funny moments. I think the actors had fun doing this.
According to the writers, Gina calls Dylan “honey bunny” and picks up stray dogs. Whatever, guys.
Kelly telling Gina, “Please go to Hell” made me giggle.
Kelly, after Noah tells her that some of the women at the club were dancers, not prostitutes: “What, exactly, was the dancer-to-prostitute ratio?” Hee. She may be annoying in this episode, but she’s funny, too.
When the mattress-store employee starts to leave after the picture, Dylan tells him to stay on the bed and “relax.” I wonder if Luke Perry adlibbed that – it seemed random.
Also, I hope Donna shares her gift certificate with that employee, since he’s the one who came up with the right address.
September 9, 2015
Summary: Someone with an eye is at a club. Or maybe two eyes. I don’t know; they just keep showing us an eye. A woman takes the hand of the guy the eye belongs to, and he leans close to her. She whispers something, then leads him off with her. Fast-forward to the two of them having sex. The guy is very satisfied. The woman crosses the room and the guy starts to spasm. Foam comes out of his mouth. That’s not very romantic. So he’s dead. The woman strips and puts on the guy’s clothes…only now the woman is a man.
Mulder and Scully check out the scene in Germantown, Maryland. Witnesses remember a woman entering and a man leaving, wearing the dead man’s suit and carrying his briefcase. Scully isn’t sure why she and Mulder were called in. A detective tells her that someone at the FBI wanted to be notified of any case fitting the man’s cause of death. Gee, I wonder who put in that request?
Back in his office, Mulder tells Scully that this is the fifth victim to die under these circumstances. The people all died of massive heart attacks and were found with high levels of pheromones in their body. Scully wonders if some sort of toxin is being synthesized. Mulder reveals that the pheromones also include human DNA. The killer is “a walking aphrodisiac.” He pegs the killer as a man, though Scully points out that there’s no reason it can’t be a woman.
The killer’s moving south from Boston, and appears to have started near the Kindred, an Amish-like sect in Massachusetts. Mulder found white clay in scratches on the latest victim’s body – clay that’s particular to the Kindred’s reason. Scully’s surprised that he’s connecting the dots between a killer and a group of altruistic pacifists.
The agents head to Steveston, Massachusetts, and ask a couple shopkeepers about the Kindred. The shopkeepers have pictures of the Kindred on their walls; they’re from the ’30s, but they have more recent pictures under the counter. (It’s hard to tell the difference between the old ones and the modern ones, though.) The shopkeepers are about to give the agents directions to where the Kindred live when a buggy passes by.
The agents go over to a feed store to chat with the Kindred, who aren’t very friendly. Scully tries to get a man to open up by asking about his horse. The man says he shouldn’t be talking to her. Scully promises that she’s harmless and introduces herself. The man rubs her hand, seeming to send her into a trance. The connection is broken when the other Kindred call the man, Andrew, away. Scully tells Mulder that there’s definitely something weird going on.
Up the mountain the agents go, forced to walk a mile through the woods since there’s no road for their car. They get lost, so Mulder balls up their map and kicks it. Suddenly, a bunch of the Kindred emerge from behind trees and approach them. The agents announce themselves as FBI, explaining that they’re investigating a murder. The Kindred tell them they can’t bring their weapons into their society. A woman named Abigail gently tells the agents that they can come up the mountain and talk, but they have to hand over their weapons first.
The agents agree and are led to a farmhouse. They were lucky enough to arrive just in time for dinner. As someone says grace, Scully and Andrew exchange a glance. Mulder immediately starts in on the questions, wanting to show security footage of the killer from Germantown. Andrew and Abigail keep looking at each other.
The agents ask if anyone has left the Kindred recently. Another man, Wilton, suddenly demands that the questions stop. Abigail calls him out for getting mad. A man farther down the table starts choking, and though Scully moves to help him, Abigail stops her. She and Andrew insist that the Kindred take care of their own. Meanwhile, back at the club from the first scene, the killer looks for another victim. He talks to a woman who isn’t interested in dancing until he rubs her hand the way Andrew rubbed Scully’s.
Mulder and Scully leave the Kindred, who Mulder describes as “the Addams family finds religion.” They hope the Kindred were telling the truth about taking care of their own. Mulder notes that no one answered the agents’ questions, which is pretty convenient. Mulder continues that there were no children at the farm. He thought he saw some of the same faces in the pictures from the ’30s as he did in the more recent ones.
The agents sneak back to the farm in time to see everyone gathering in a barn. They’re able to spy on the meeting and see the unconscious or dead form of the man who was coughing at dinner. The Kindred head into a cellar, so Mulder follows them. Meanwhile, Andrew catches Scully outside and asks her to come with him so he can give her information.
Mulder heads through a tunnel and finds the Kindred again as Andrew tells Scully that he knows who the killer is – his best friend, Marty. The Kindred anoint the cougher’s body. Andrew tells Scully that Marty’s different, and probably poisons his victims. The Kindred take the cougher’s body with them through some catacombs. Andrew shows Scully some magazines he and Marty found by the road. They made Marty decide to join the outside world.
Mulder hears noises and realizes that someone’s returning to the catacombs. He hides as Wilton and another man discuss how Scully’s with Andrew but no one knows where Mulder is. Mulder realizes that he’s with the cougher’s body, though the cougher now looks much different. Also, he’s alive. Scully asks Andrew if Marty’s murderous methods have to do with what she and Mulder saw in the barn. Andrew takes her hand and starts rubbing it.
As Mulder heads back to the house, Andrew tells Scully that all the Kindred are different. He starts kissing the side of her neck. Oh, buddy, Mudler’s going to be jealous… Speaking of Mulder, he interrupts the moment of intimacy and hurries Scully out of the house. Too bad they run right into a group of the Kindred. Abigail’s mad that the agents have interfered after being asked not to. The agents are ushered out again, but Scully doesn’t make it far before she gets sick.
A woman at the club tries to talk to a man who’s on the phone. He turns his attention to her as soon as she puts her hand on his. Mulder takes Scully to get coffee, and she admits that she’s a little embarrassed about getting sick. He wonders why she kept talking to Andrew. Scully says she believed him when he said he knew who the killer was. Mulder tells her that he found the cougher buried alive, with a different face. Scully wonders if Andrew was going to kill her. Mulder wonders if it’s the sex that kills people.
The couple from the club makes out in a car, getting caught by a police officer. As the woman speaks with the cop, the man starts spasming. He watches as the woman, now a man, knocks out the cop and runs away. The would-be murder victim, Michel, ends up in the hospital, where Mulder and Scully ask how much physical contact he had with the killer. Michel claims not to remember much of what happened, but Mulder thinks he’s just uncomfortable with the details. Michel reluctantly admits that he thought his date was a woman, but she turned out to be a man.
Scully thinks they’re dealing with a transvestite, since it’s more likely that the person who knocked out the cop was a man, not a woman. Mulder thinks Michel would have known if he’d made out with a man. Mulder and Scully learn that Michel’s stolen credit card was just used to order takeout. Somewhere, a woman talks about how knows touching people is forbidden, but she couldn’t help herself. She just loves the pleasures of this world.
The agents race to the apartment where the woman’s hiding out with a man’s body. The killer tries to knock Scully out, then runs. Mulder chases the killer, seeing with his own eyes the transformation from female to male. The killer tries knocking him out, too, incapacitating him so much that Scully has to take over the chase. She comes across a man and starts to take him into custody, but the Kindred arrive and surround him.
Andrew tries to entrance Scully, who has trouble fighting the connection. Mulder arrives, distracting her enough that Andrew’s able to knock her out. As Mulder tends to Scully, the Kindred take off with the killer. The police set up roadblocks, positive that the Kindred won’t get through them, but Mulder’s not so sure. They head back up to Steveston, where they find the community deserted and the entrance to the cellar boarded up. All that’s left behind is what looks like a crop circle.
Thoughts: Michel is played by Nicholas Lea, who later plays Krycek.
This episode is SO BORING. It’s horribly paced, too. We should have seen more of the Kindred than just the scene at dinner. And we needed more background on them – I assume they started living like the Amish so they wouldn’t be tempted to have physical contact with people and manipulate/hurt them? What about healing the sick or dead?
And where does the gender-swapping/body-changing come into play? What was the point of having a killer who can change genders if we only see him in the male form? Think of how many other things the episode could have done with that trait. Think about plot developments involving DNA. I would have much rather watched half an hour of people talking about DNA than the horribly slow scenes where Mulder follows the Kindred around.
August 29, 2015
Summary: David makes Gina go to the hospital after her collapse at the skating rink. She’s very much against this and glares at everyone involved. At the boutique, Kelly criticizes a customer for wanting to buy a dress that shows a lot of skin. Donna advises her to talk to Matt, who she’s been avoiding since her rape. Donna assures her that Matt’s feelings toward her won’t change after he finds out what happened. As Kelly leaves, Joe shows up to ask Matt to help him bring a case against the police for brutality.
Gina stops by David’s to tell him she has some sort of imbalance and electrolytes issue but is okay. David knows there’s something more going on and encourages her to tell him. She admits that she’s struggled with bulimia for years, stemming from trying to stay in shape for skating. David’s the first person she’s told. He appreciates her honesty. Dylan posts fliers offering $100,000 for information on Kelly’s attack. A homeless woman tells him that she was there and heard Kelly screaming. The woman tried to get help, but no one listened to her. She praises Dylan for what he’s doing.
As another man tears down a flier, Janet reads a rave review of the Beverly Beat to Steve. The two of them celebrate by smashing a solar-powered calculator, since now they can afford batteries. Janet’s ecstatic that Steve turned the tabloid into a profitable paper. He’s throwing a party at the After Dark, featuring Collective Soul. Matt finds Kelly on the beach and tries to find out if her problems are relationship-related. She tells him she was raped, and he assures her that that doesn’t change anything.
Noah also has relationship questions, wanting to know why Donna’s still dragging her feet about moving in together. She won’t give him any straight answers, so he tells her they’re through. Yay, only two years too late! Matt tracks down Dylan to bug him about calling Kelly the night she was raped. He’s also a little annoyed that Kelly told Dylan about her assault, but not Matt. Dylan thinks it was easier for her to talk about a sex crime with someone she’s not having sex with. Dylan gets a call from the flier-ripper-downer, who wants to meet and point Dylan in the right direction.
David asks Gina why she felt the need to start purging again. She says she’s never felt good enough or pretty enough – “not blond enough.” In other words, she was jealous of Kelly. At the beach apartment, Donna’s happy to see Kelly dressed up for a date with Matt. Kelly feels like she can handle things now, thanks to how well Matt reacted. Wayne calls, wanting to go out with Donna. Donna tells Kelly that she and Noah broke up, but she blames the pressure of stepping things up, not Wayne. Kelly encourages her to call Wayne back. Donna notices that she’s taking her gun on her date.
David and Gina set up dominos around the house, as David attempts to distract Gina from her problems. When Dylan comes home, David tells him that Gina’s spending the night, and Dylan needs to leave her alone. Dylan’s annoyed to hear them having fun together. Over at the After Dark, Collective Soul performs. Not one person in the group has an attractive haircut. Matt talks about Joe’s case with Kelly, who doesn’t like that he got a criminal released from jail on a technicality. Janet’s suddenly not so excited about the paper’s successes; she doesn’t want to do this for the rest of her life.
Dylan drops by the club to ask Matt if he learned anything about Kelly’s rapist from the cops. He objects to the fact that Matt brought Kelly to the club. Matt tells him to stop acting like he knows what Kelly needs better than her own boyfriend does. Donna invites Wayne over and tells him she and Noah are done. She’s inspired by Kelly’s attack to do more interesting things with her life. The two take things to the bedroom, and I’m going to guess that Donna was planning that all along, since there are lit candles in there.
The club is crowded, and when a guy bumps into Kelly, she has a flashback to her attack. She thinks the guy is Joe, but he’s not. Matt realizes that Kelly isn’t doing as well as he’d thought. David and Gina wake up in his bed (fully clothed), and though he’s apologetic for not giving her some space, she’s totally fine with it. In fact, she wants to spend another night there. Meanwhile, Dylan and Matt tend to Kelly at the Walshes’ house.
Donna makes breakfast for Wayne. He reminds her that he’s heading to Mexico for a tournament, and will be traveling all summer. She’d like to tag along, but she has a job and friends in Beverly Hills. She also has an ex-boyfriend, as she remembers when Noah shows up to talk. He’s learned of Kelly’s rape and realized that that’s why Donna’s been so distant. Donna tries to rush him out of the house, asking him to meet her for lunch. Wayne makes his presence known, and suddenly Noah isn’t so interested in fixing things.
Dylan goes to a bar to meet Sean, the guy who claims to have information on Kelly’s rapist. Dylan gives him part of the reward money, promising the rest when the rapist is arrested and convicted. Sean’s tightlipped but tells Dylan to wait around for a while – the guy will show up. Steve meets Kelly to get some advice on what to run as the paper’s lead story the next day. He apologizes for one of the options, which objectifies women. He just wanted to help take Kelly’s mind off of things. Kelly appreciates it.
Sean takes Dylan out to an alley to meet the rapist, but it’s just an excuse to get Dylan alone so Sean and another guy can attack him. Fortunately, Dylan has brought Matt along as backup. That night, Kelly has a nightmare about her assault, and Donna comforts her. Kelly knows she won’t be able to move on until her rapist pays for what he did. Dylan and Gina make awkward small talk, trying to gauge what kind of friendship they have. They get close enough to kiss, wondering what they’re going to do.
Donna visits Noah at the After Dark, telling him that this is the first time her life she doesn’t know what she wants. She loves Noah and wants to work through things. Noah asks if she loves Wayne. Donna replies that she doesn’t even know him. Noah announces that he’s going to find a hot girl in the club, take her home, and then go to Donna’s work and ask her to understand. Janet goes to the office after hours and learns that Steve is letting a rape support group use it for meetings. Janet realizes that she can see herself working at the Beverly Beat for a long time after all.
Kelly counsels Donna on her relationship, reminding her that she loves Noah, and Wayne is never around. But then Wayne shows up, telling Donna that a friend wants his help getting a company off the ground. Now Wayne will be around. In other weird love triangle news, David comes home to find Gina in Dylan’s bed. Matt tells Joe he’ll help him with his case, though he’s not that happy about it. Joe wants to buy his girlfriend a present, so Matt sends him to the boutique. As soon as Kelly and Joe come face to face, they recognize each other. Joe locks the doors and pulls out his knife. But he literally brought a knife to a gunfight. Kelly and her six bullets are the last things he sees.
Thoughts: After all these years, I’m finally down to the last season of this show. There’s light at the end of this tunnel!
I guess a guy like Joe would know what “brutality” is.
This is probably the first time I’ve thought about Collective Soul in years. And now it will be a few more years before I think of them again.
Oh, I see a velvet belly shirt! My eyes! My eyes!
Donna makes pancakes in a pot. That seems time-consuming. You can only make one at a time unless you make them really tiny. Here’s a hint, Donna: The “pan” in “pancake” is for…well, pan. What you should cook them in.
Steve is a doof, but he really can be a good friend.