July 28, 2013

BH90210 6.10, One Wedding and a Funeral: Till Death Do Us Part

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 1:01 pm by Jenn

Enjoy this while you can, because it's not going to last

Enjoy this while you can, because it’s not going to last

Summary: Dylan and Toni are for real getting married, and plan to have a private ceremony, then a reception with their friends. Kelly and Donna help Toni pick out a dress, talking about how glad they are that Dylan’s found someone (even if it’s not Kelly). Meanwhile, Marchette plots to have Dylan killed in a fake burglary gone wrong. His henchman reminds him to make sure Toni’s out of the house by 5 p.m.

As Marchette’s guys gather weapons, the gang kidnaps Dylan and Toni for their bachelor and bachelorette parties. They unknowingly ruin Marchette’s plans to have Dylan killed that night. The guys go to the Walshes’ and play poker; Brandon vetoed strippers and other debauchery because Dylan’s already done all that stuff. The girls (minus Valerie, plus Susan) go to the beach apartment for cigars and male strippers. Kelly teases Donna about how shocked Felice would be to see her.

Marchette is confused since Toni was supposed to come see him, but he learns that the parties meant the hit had to be called off. Bruno tells him he’s going to drive Toni to the wedding the next day. Brandon and Dylan are the last two awake at the Walshes’, and Brandon wants to make sure Dylan’s watching out for himself because of Marchette. He thinks Dylan and Toni are a great couple. Dylan thanks him for being a good friend.

Ray continues stalking Donna at the apartment, telling her he misses her and her friends. She reminds him that he hated hanging out with the gang when they were dating. She won’t let him in. He tells her she needs to start listening, or he’s going to make her life horrible. (I think that mission has been accomplished, Ray.) Toni thanks Kelly for the party, and Kelly assures her that the gang is her family now. She reveals that she knows Marchette killed Jack. She advises Toni to get far away from Beverly Hills and not look back.

The next morning, Toni reads the note her mother wrote her in the Bible she carried at her wedding. That’s her something old, and Kelly gives her flowers from the gang as her something new. Donna loans her pearls for her something borrowed. Her something blue is a garter from Kelly. Jim and Cindy send Dylan a congratulatory message from Hong Kong, and Dylan jokes that they’re just glad he’s not marrying Brenda. Brenda has also sent a message from London, saying that their love triangle has finally been resolved.

Marchette goes to the beach apartment to try to talk Toni out of the wedding. She won’t listen, so he tells her the marriage was made in Hell and will lead to nothing by misery. “You have made your Hell,” she replies. After Marchette leaves, Bruno comes in and tells Toni he tried to change Marchette’s mind. He volunteers to walk her down the aisle in her father’s place. He takes her to the wedding, where Brandon is the only attendant, and they get married overlooking the ocean.

At the reception, Brandon toasts the newlyweds, who go off alone to talk about Marchette. Neither of them is too upset about it. They go to Dylan’s house for their first night as a married couple, finding it decorated with candles by the gang. Susan goes home with Brandon, who admits that he feels a little lonely, since people keep leaving. She assures him that she’s not planning on going anywhere.

Donna caught the bouquet, and she and Joe think it means her luck is changing. He admits that he almost married his high school sweetheart, but she changed. He thinks things have worked out for the best. Kelly tells Colin that she thought it would be hard to see Dylan marry someone else, but she’s happy for him and Toni.

Dylan and Toni’s first morning as a married couple is interrupted when Nat and Steve arrive with a fancy breakfast for them. Then it’s interrupted again by a call from Marchette, who asks to meet with Dylan. He claims to have a surprise for Toni. (Surprise! You’re a widow!) Dylan wants to ignore him, but Toni tells him to just go and see what he wants. Bruno thinks Marchette is really trying to patch things up. Marchette double-checks his new hit with his henchman, who casually comments to Bruno that Dylan may not be alive much longer.

Bruno immediately tries to call Dylan and Toni, who have taken the phone off the hook for privacy. Toni’s worried about the cat, who she hasn’t seen since the day before. She asks Dylan to go look for her, since it’s getting dark and about to rain. Bruno spends the day trying to call the McKays, eventually calling Brandon and telling him about the hit. Brandon rushes over to the house to warn Dylan.

Dylan has no luck finding the cat, and it’s getting close to the time of his meeting with Marchette, which will be followed by their flight to Hawaii. He sends Toni to meet Marchette while he stays at the house to find Trouble. Brandon gets to the house and warns Dylan not to go to see Marchette. The two of them hurry off to stop Toni. On her way to see her father, Toni’s cut off by a guy who stops in front of her, then shoot her through the window. Dylan and Brandon arrive moments later to find her dead.

Dylan refuses to talk to the police, and in the morning he tells Brandon not to say anything to anyone. Brandon can’t believe he’s going to let Marchette get away with killing Toni like he did with Jack. After Toni is buried, Dylan stays behind in the cemetery to confront Marchette. Marchette tells Dylan that Toni’s death is his fault, then hands him a gun and encourages Dylan to kill him. Dylan almost does, but he says that they’re even now, so they need to stop killing. Dylan goes home to pack and finds Toni’s wedding dress. He opens the door and sees Trouble on the porch.

The rest of the gang gathers at the Peach Pit with Nat, wondering what Dylan will do now. All they know is that bad things happen, and they’ll miss him. Brandon finds Dylan getting ready to leave on his motorcycle with the cat. Dylan isn’t sure if he’ll ever come back to Beverly Hills. He gives Brandon his keys and asks him to lock up the house. Instead of saying goodbye, Brandon says he’ll see Dylan around.

Thoughts: General Hospital did a similar plot to this episode a few months after this one aired – a mobster married the daughter of another mobster, who tried to kill him but accidentally killed his daughter instead. And that plot tangentially involved Vanessa Marcil, who later played Gina on 90210. Everything is connected!

Sadly, this is Luke Perry’s last episode until season 9. I’ll miss you, Dylan!

Yeah, Marchette, I’m sure Toni wouldn’t have been suspicious about Dylan being killed right before their wedding. You should have waited till after and pretended to support the marriage, to look innocent. Plus, she would have inherited Dylan’s money.

If I ever have a bachelorette party, remind me to make sure it’s not at my fiancé’s ex’s place. That’s just weird.

Trivia: Dylan’s middle name is Michael.

Bruno, sweetie? Why didn’t you get in your car and go to the McKays’ house? I blame this on you. And maybe a little on the cat.

July 22, 2013

BH90210 6.9, Earthquake Weather: Danger Zones

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , at 8:56 pm by Jenn

"You want us to deliver what now?"

“You want us to deliver what now?”

Summary: Dylan and Toni are looking at real estate in Hawaii, now that they plan to move there. They chat a little about commitment, and he casually mentions that he was thinking about getting married. She says he might as well find out the girl’s feelings about it by asking. She thinks he’s joking around, but Dylan proposes and Toni accepts.

Remember how Donna made the next round of Rose Queen contestants and then never mentioned it again? It’s time for her and the rest of the hopefuls to go to Pasadena for…something. Ray comes by, his arm in a splint from his run-in with Joe, and announces that he started therapy. His therapist wants Donna to come to one of his sessions, even though they’re not together anymore. Clare thinks Donna’s crazy for agreeing; she’s worried Donna will get sucked back in.

Brandon and Susan are at a hotel for some newspaper convention, and plan to use the opportunity to have a romantic time together. Susan turns on the radio and listens to DJs talking about “earthquake weather.” In a pointless scene, Colin tells Kelly how happy he is now that he’s made up with her and taken a new job.

At the Walshes’, Steve and Clare discuss their interesting Halloween night together. She screws up his pinball game so he’ll go upstairs with her. David and Valerie are also at the house but not headed upstairs; Valerie still wants to take things slowly. Well, not that slowly, since she’s ready to have sex that night.

Donna and the other Rose Queens get their pictures taken and are reminded that they have interviews the next day. Donna’s befriended another girl, Lisa who works at a convenience store. They look through pictures of former Rose Queen candidates, and in one, Donna sees someone who she thinks is her mother. Joe comes by, wanting to take Donna to lunch, and she tells him she’s going with Ray to his therapist. Joe’s not thrilled, but he doesn’t try to talk her out of it.

Susan and Brandon head back to their hotel room via elevator. Meanwhile, in Beverly Hills, Steve has another pinball game ruined, this time by an earthquake. The gang rides it out in their various locations, and Colin decides he doesn’t like L.A. so much after all. Brandon and Susan’s elevator gets stuck, and since this is a TV show and the writers have no imagination, they’re in there with a pregnant woman. And her water breaks. Of course.

Donna drives back from Pasadena, listening to the same DJs Clare listened to; they’re now saying there’s no such thing as earthquake weather. She calls her father and tries to ask about Felice, but they don’t have a good phone connection. Bruno calls to check on Toni, and she tells him that she and Dylan are engaged. He’s speechless, which is at least better than how her father will inevitably react.

Kelly and Colin make a grocery run and go to the Walshes’, where Valerie suggests that the whole gang just spend the night. Colin thinks he feels an aftershock and panics. Kelly notes that David and Valerie “seem to be getting along well.” He doesn’t want to fight with her about it since Valerie was there for him at such a rough time.

Donna and Ray meet with his psychiatrist, Dr. Phillips, who tells Donna that they’ve discussed Ray’s abusive father. She asks Ray to leave the room, then warns Donna that because of his lifelong experience with abuse, he’s not going to change quickly. She also thinks he’ll be more successful in therapy if Donna isn’t there. Dr. Phillips continues that Ray is unpredictable, and if Donna spends time with him, she could put herself in danger.

Brandon and Susan’s elevator is going to take a while to get back online, so it looks like they’ll be delivering a baby. Colin’s still anxious about aftershocks and thinks the others are too calm. Clare is somehow turned on and wants to have sex with Steve even though there are a bunch of people in the house.

There’s a paramedic at the hotel who can talk Brandon and Susan through the delivery, which isn’t really a comfort to them. Susan tries to distract the mother, Ellen, by getting her to talk about her family. Donna goes to the Walshes’ after the therapy session and tells everyone about finding Felice’s picture. Dylan and Toni arrive next and announce their engagement. Kelly barely manages to congratulate them without sounding like she’s lying. Nat calls to ask the gang to come to the diner and help out with the dinner crowd.

Back at the hotel, Brandon and Susan deliver the baby, and seconds later the elevator is fixed. At the diner, the gang helps keep things under control. Joe comes by for dinner and tells Donna that he thinks Ray’s using therapy to get her back. She says she needs to give him the benefit of the doubt. Colin babbles about how dangerous the stockroom can be, telling Dylan that he and Toni are smart to move to Hawaii.

Kelly gets Dylan alone and blasts him for being so casual about announcing his engagement. He assures her that he took her feelings into consideration. She wants to know where Toni was when she and Dylan were together in his past life. He reminds her that she chose herself. Kelly wishes she could just hate Toni, but she can’t. Dylan thinks he might have more than one soulmate.

Joe takes Donna home, and guess what? Ray’s there! He came by to check on her and decided to fix a broken window at the apartment. Donna asks him to leave. He does, but first he breaks the window again. Joe decides that Donna should go back to the Walshes’, which is a very good idea.

The next morning, Colin’s calmed down. The radio DJs say the earthquake was an anomaly. (An earthquake in California is an anomaly? Really?) Valerie ribs David for sleeping the previous night instead of doing what they’d planned, but it wasn’t really the best timing. Kelly tells David that their relationship is none of her business, so she’ll keep her mouth shut.

Donna and Kelly are a little giggly over Donna’s new relationship. Kelly’s also proud that Donna is going after the Rose Court. At the hotel, Brandon and Susan discuss the delivery, and how great she felt when the baby was finally out. She’s proud of how well he handled things. So this whole plot was so Susan could realize how awesome Brandon is? Great.

Donna returns to Pasadena for her interview, where she’s asked about helping children fulfill their dreams. She talks about how fragile children can be, such as a certain person she knows who was abused as a child and now abuses others, including her, when he gets angry. Adults need to protect children’s hearts so their souls aren’t harmed. Donna thanks the judging panel for helping fulfill one of her dreams.

Toni and Dylan go to see Marchette, who babbles about his house being unshakable and how he has a lot to protect, blah blah blah earthquake metaphor. He already knows about the engagement, from Bruno, and asks Dylan how he would respond if he were Marchette. Dylan just says he’s not him. Marchette gives Toni a Bible that her mother carried at their wedding.

Donna tells her father that she’s made it to the final round of the Rose Court competition. He didn’t know she was still in the running. Felice joins them, and Donna asks if she didn’t approve of Donna competing because she herself didn’t make the finals. Felice tells her she’s mistaken. After Donna leaves, Felice tells Dr. Martin that she saw the picture. Dr. Martin urges her to tell Donna the truth. Back at Marchette’s, Anthony meets with a thug and puts out a hit on Dylan.

Thoughts: Okay, everyone, the pregnant-woman-stuck-in-an-elevator plot needs to be officially retired.

I like that everyone was kind of casual about the earthquake (other than Colin). They’ve lived in California for years, so it wouldn’t be a big deal for them.

On the other end of the spectrum, the pregnant woman was TOO calm. Two 20-somethings are delivering your baby without any supples! Why aren’t you freaking out?

Whatever, Kelly, you already moved on. Dylan no longer has to worry about your reaction to his engagement.

So after I finished watching this episode, I turned over to Full House (shut up), and they were showing the episode where Stephanie freaks out about an earthquake. With that, this episode, and the two SVH earthquake books, I’m seeing a theme in my life, and it’s not a good one…

July 20, 2013

BH90210 6.8, Gypsies, Cramps and Fleas: That’s So Raven

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , at 2:55 pm by Jenn

I knew you were Trouble when you walked in

I knew you were Trouble when you walked in

Summary: Donna wakes up on Halloween morning to find Ray putting pumpkins on the beach apartment porch. He wishes her a happy anniversary, because he still hasn’t accepted that she’s dumped him. He asks her to go to the After Dark’s Halloween party with him, saying he’s just trying to work things out. Things are much happier at Dylan’s house, which is now Dylan and Toni’s house. She’s very excited for Halloween and wants to put up a lot of decorations. A black kitten comes to the door, and though Dylan thinks it’s bad luck, Toni’s happy to have a new pet.

Back at the beach apartment, Clare deals tarot cards to tell her own fortune. One of them is the “lovers” cards, and Kelly and Donna tease that that means her relationship with Steve is going somewhere. On campus, Brandon bugs Susan about her Halloween costume, which she wants to be a surprise. She’ll only tell him that it’s “very feminist.” Shocking! Donna meets Joe, a CU football player who’s a friend of Steve’s. They talk about how the team is on a winning streak, which is making all the players superstitious. He has a crush on her, and she might like him back.

Steve and Clare exposition that nothing happened when they went to the hotel together. She’s also no longer tutoring him. They bicker, and she says she misses getting paid to have to listen to him. She tears up the “lovers” card. Valerie’s stressed getting ready for the party at the After Dark, and annoyed by the presence of a fortune-teller named Madame Raven, since her camper is taking up so many parking spaces. Raven makes a “love potion” at the Peach Pit and reads Valerie’s palm. Val asks Nat to get her to leave, but he says that’s bad luck. Raven offers to tell fortunes at the party. “I’ve already seen my future and you’re not in it,” Valerie replies.

Colin finally finishes the mural at the After Dark, telling Valerie that the payment for it will go straight to his rent. (He’s no longer Claudia’s sugar baby, remember.) Raven sets up a tent outside the After Dark and uses a crystal ball to look into David’s life. She tells him a soulmate is coming his way. David thinks that’s Valerie, but Raven says there’s some uncertainty about that. Oh, but the crystal ball is cloudy now, so she can’t tell him anything else. She gives him some of the love potion instead.

Colin goes by the beach apartment, where Kelly’s carving one of Ray’s pumpkins. She bugs him about getting a job, but he uses that old excuse of how working for money isn’t being an artist. He asks her to come to the unveiling of the mural that night. She’ll “consider considering it.” Dylan and Toni tend to their flea-ridden kitten, named Trouble, who scratches Toni. (Well, what did she expect, with a name like Trouble?) When she goes to get the first-aid kit, she finds Dylan’s gun inside. He tells her it’s just for protection in case Marchette comes after him. Toni orders him to get rid of it.

At the Peach Pit, Donna tells Ray that she wants to spend time with other people at the party, and she doesn’t want him to get upset. Ray interprets this as meaning that she has a date. She tells him that she’s willing to go to the party with him as a friend, but she needs space. He says fine, but he’s still determined to win her back. Bruno visits Toni at Dylan’s house and tells her that Marchette wants to meet with her. Dylan comes home and kicks Bruno out. Toni thinks Marchette wants to see her so he can declare a truce.

As Brandon and Susan arrive at the After Dark, Raven splashes Susan with water, saying she didn’t know Susan was there. Brandon questions her skills as a psychic. Raven sees that Susan has a letter from someone named Jonathan in Seattle and uses the information to get Susan to do a reading. Susan admits that Jonathan makes her wonder if she and Brandon should be together. Toni agrees to meet Marchette at the Peach Pit, where he tries to convince her to come home. She asks him straight out if he killed Jack. Marchette says no, but won’t answer when she asks if he had someone else kill Jack. It’s pretty clear what the answer is.

The party starts, and Brandon (dressed as the Godfather) tries to convince Susan (Pocahontas) to get her fortune told. Ray puts on a creepy mask so he can stalk his ex. Brandon and Susan visit Raven, who tells them someone is in the way of their relationship. No, wait, not someone – something, specifically truth. “Five bucks for her to tell me you’re not Pocahontas,” Brandon laments. Susan decides to tell Brandon the truth – she dated Jonathan, the previous editor of the Condor. He’s the reason she became so anti-workplace romance. Brandon doesn’t seem worried.

Valerie (a cavewoman, I think) introduces Colin (a cowboy) for the unveiling of his mural. He’s down because Kelly isn’t there, but he spots her just as the mural is revealed. Also, she’s dressed as a cowgirl. The mural is…weird. The Cramps perform as Kelly learns that Colin planned his costume after he got Kelly’s out of Donna. They seem to be okay now. Dylan hands out candy at the house while Toni mopes. He tells her to stop blaming herself for things Marchette did, and to let it go. He tries to cheer her up by getting her back in the Halloween spirit.

David (a caveman, so I guess I was right about Valerie’s costume) puts love potion in some drinks, then chats with Clare (Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie) and Steve, who looks like Major Nelson from I Dream of Jeannie but insists he’s an Apollo 13 astronaut in his dress uniform. The drinks get mixed up, and Steve and Clare get the ones with the love potion in them. Ray sees Donna and Joe (a pirate, though it’s hard to tell) dancing and yells at his ex. He warns Joe that she’ll tear his heart out.

Steve and Clare start feeling weird, so they decide to go to a dressing room to cool down (which I guess is what the kids are calling it these days). Colin collects his payment from Valerie and tells Kelly he can’t use his money for expensive, pretty things now. He’s decided to take a teaching-assistant position at CU. The love potion does its thing on Steve and Clare, or maybe they’re just driven to lust by their semi-hatred of each other.

Joe takes Donna home, then tells her that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for them to get involved, considering how Ray reacted to seeing them together. After he leaves, Donna finds out that Ray has been lurking on the porch, eavesdropping. He calls her a slut and tells her they belong together. He grabs her arm, but Joe comes back and shoves him around to give him a taste of his own medicine. Joe hangs around to keep Donna company, telling her he came back because he changed his mind about holding off on pursuing something. They kiss. Valerie and David kiss, too, and he admits that he slipped her some love potion. She tells him she doesn’t believe in that stuff. Raven watches them, thinking she contributed to their happiness.

At the Peach Pit the next day, Steve tells Valerie and David that he and Clare hooked up the night before. Valerie thinks it’s because of the love potion. Nat tells Brandon and Susan that Raven disappeared without paying her bill. A cop shows up looking for her, telling the group that Raven sells a bogus love potion. Everyone denies having seen her. Nat still has a bottle of the potion but won’t sell it to Steve.

Dylan takes Toni to the spot where his father died, wanting to see it one more time before he lets it go. He tells her they need to leave Beverly Hills. She wants to go somewhere with nice weather and scenery, so he suggests Hawaii. Toni wonders if Dylan can really let go of what happened to Jack. In response, he throws his gun in the water.

Thoughts: Two minutes in and Joe is already 80 times more likable than Ray.

A gun in a first-aid kit? Was that just the first place Dylan could think of to stash it? How weird.

Seeing Dylan with cat toys makes me go, “Awwwww!” What’s wrong with me?

Dylan to a trick-or-treater dressed as a prisoner: “You shoulda had a better lawyer.” Hee.

July 14, 2013

BH90210 6.7, Violated: Another CU Professor Makes a Bad Decision

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , at 4:37 pm by Jenn

I like to think that if this were me, I'd say, "I KNOW that's not your hand on my leg." (Also, if this were me, I would have awesome hair.)

I like to think that if this were me, I’d say, “I KNOW that’s not your hand on my leg.” (Also, if this were me, I would have awesome hair.)

Summary: Dylan tries to give Bruno a letter to give to Toni, explaining his side of things that happened in “Speechless.” Bruno asks which is more important to him: love or vengeance? Would he rather destroy Marchette or keep seeing Toni? In a class about advertising, a professor uses Valerie as an example of the kind of sexy woman who would be ideal to attract male customers. Susan objects to the exploitation of women, but Professor Haywood reminds her that sex sells.

After class, Val approaches Haywood to ask a question, and Susan taunts that she could get a better grade if she showed some cleavage. Shut up, Susan. Valerie chats with Haywood about her midterm, which he assures her she did well on. She tells him she loves his class, so he invites her to a lecture he’ll be giving to some executives at a hotel that afternoon. Oh, and by the way, he likes the way she smells.

Donna tells Clare that she’s arranged a meeting with Ray so she can return something of his. Clare spots Steve and tries to avoid him, even though they’re supposedly dating. He wants to get a hotel room, but she wants a different kind of relationship than he does. Even as a virgin, Donna knows that sex makes relationships way more difficult. Bruno gives Toni Dylan’s letter, which tells her that he cares for her no matter how things are with her father. He thinks she deserves better than him.

At the Peach Pit, Steve discusses hotel options with Brandon, despite being nervous about spending the night with Clare. Kelly stops in to make sure the guys are coming to Colin’s art show. Speaking of which, he’s setting it up while Claudia questions his relationship with Kelly. But it’s because of his work, not because she wants him or anything. That’s crazy talk!

After Haywood’s lecture, he invites Valerie to get a drink in the hotel bar. He reveals that he’s a widower, and Val reminds him of his late wife. They have a seemingly innocent conversation, but then he invites her up to his room. Valerie protests, especially when he puts a hand on her leg. She makes it clear that she likes his class but has no interest in him.

Clare and Steve try to cook dinner, but he screws up the spaghetti and she burns the bread. They agree to go to a hotel the next night. Valerie arrives at home as they’re sitting down with Susan and Brandon, and the four of them immediately see that Val is upset. She won’t talk about what happened.

Donna and Ray meet up at the After Dark, and he tries to guilt her into reconciling because not being with her makes it hard for him to be musical. She tells him to get help for his violence issues. He remarks that since she built him up, it makes sense that now she would tear him down. Bruno shows up at Dylan’s to give him a message from Toni asking him to meet her the next day. He tells Dylan this will be the last note he delivers.

The next day, Dylan and Toni meet up, and she tells him she’s not going to listen to his father, who forbade her from seeing him. Bruno is on their side, at least temporarily since Marchette is going out of town and can’t yell at him. Toni begs Dylan to stop hating Marchette, which is kind of a ridiculous request of someone whose father is dead because of the guy. But whatever, Dylan’s a sucker for a needy girl, so he agrees.

Bruno drives Marchette to the airport, resisting taking him by CU to see Toni. At the beach apartment, Kelly tells Donna about her concerns over how close Claudia is with Colin. Donna warns her not to trust guys because they all cheat – and “some cheat and beat.” She admits that Ray abused her but promises that they’re done. She didn’t say anything because she thought it would stop, and she didn’t want Kelly to hate him. Now that Donna’s dumped him, she feels stronger.

Dylan and Toni spot Marchette arriving at CU, and he orders her to get in his car. Dylan announces that he loves Toni. Marchette says he can’t have her, then tells Toni to either get in the car or find a new place to live. Toni chooses the second option. Haywood gives Valerie’s class back their midterms, and Val, David, and Susan are shocked to see that Val got a D. She confronts Haywood over giving her the grade after gushing over her paper. Susan snarks that being nice to the professor didn’t work out the way Valerie had planned.

Steve checks out his and Clare’s hotel room ahead of time to make sure everything’s perfect. In a closet he finds a bag from a place called the Pleasure Hut. He thinks Clare bought the handcuffs inside it. Valerie tells Susan and David what happened with Haywood, and Susan, now sorry for her remarks, assures Val that she didn’t do anything wrong. She and David encourage Valerie to report Haywood for sexual harassment. Valerie reluctantly agrees, but she thinks she’ll come off looking bad.

Valerie reports Haywood to someone in CU’s ethics office. The administrator promises to start an investigation, but she wants to know why Valerie would meet with Haywood off campus. Some of her friends will need to be questioned. Kelly goes to Colin’s before the show, but Claudia’s there and keeps her out of the studio. “You can borrow Colin, but I own him,” she says. Kelly’s surprised because she thought Claudia was married. Claudia tells her she likes to see younger guys on the side.

Kelly’s late for the show, which Steve wants to ditch early to get to the hotel. Clare tells him she left a surprise in the room, and he says he found it, which of course means that they’re talking about two different things. Colin tries to call Kelly, but Claudia says she’s not coming, since she told Kelly about the two of them. Colin leaves to go find her.

Clare and Steve head to the Bel Age and he retrieves the handcuffs from the closet. Except Clare’s surprise is a test Steve got an A on. Steve would prefer the handcuffs. Each thinks the other bought them, and Clare’s so disgusted that she starts to leave. Steve remarks that he knows she’s used handcuffs before. (Nice one, Steve!)

Brandon goes to get Susan for the show, but she’s in the middle of investigating Haywood, who’s harassed more people than just Valerie. Brandon offers to help make some calls, especially if it means not going to his ex’s new boyfriend’s show. Later, Brandon calls Valerie in David’s room and advises her to go on the record with her story, since there’s a lot more to it. She tells him he and Susan can do what they want, but she doesn’t want to be a part of it.

David questions Valerie’s decision; she’s tough, so she can handle the situation. He’ll stand by her no matter what. She asks him not to get impatient if she asks to take their relationship slowly. Colin finds Kelly at the beach apartment and tells her he made a deal with Claudia for his career (she pays his bills so he can just paint). He plans to end the deal and get a job so he can support himself. Kelly says he’s a whore, and she would respect him more if he were a janitor. She goes back inside, but soon hears something on the porch: Colin’s sweeping.

Valerie goes to Haywood in the hopes of making peace and working out her grade. But he’s not interested since he knows the Condor has picked up the story and he’s being investigated by the ethics office. Valerie swears that she has nothing to do with the story. Haywood promises to ruin her, then blames her for his actions, since she kept wearing skimpy clothing and turning him on. “You are going to be humiliated,” he vows.

Valerie heads straight to the Condor office to give Susan an interview. Brandon and Susan have already worked out the rest of it – they’ve gotten a ton of Haywood’s former students to come forward about his harassment. The school is going to demand the professor’s resignation. Toni’s staying with Dylan, but she’s upset because of how things are with her father. She knows things are never going to be the same. Dylan promises never to let anyone or anything hurt her. (Foreshadowing!)

Thoughts: First Lucinda, now Haywood. What’s with CU professors wanting to hook up with students? Oh, and Dan was Andrea’s TA! Sheesh, the authority figures at this school are terrible!

Ugh, now Susan’s annoying. Why aren’t TV feminists ever normal people?

So Bruno is the apothecary from Romeo and Juliet now? Because that ended well.

Dylan’s suit illness is back – he wears a button-down shirt and a vest to his library rendezvous with Toni.

Valerie asking David to take things slowly is kind of funny, considering he was willing to date Donna for years without having sex. I think he’s okay with things moving slowly, Val.

July 8, 2013

BH90210 6.6, Speechless: Get Thee to a Nunnery

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , at 9:00 pm by Jenn

It's fitting that this episode is called "Speechless," because I have no words for this

It’s fitting that this episode is called “Speechless,” because I have no words for this

Summary: Ray plays his last set at the After Dark before going off to record his album. Kelly, Donna, and Clare plan to spend the weekend at a spa, but Clare and Donna have a surprise for Kelly. Steve has found a director who wants to make a movie at the Walshes’ house. Valerie’s invited on the girls’ road trip, even though I don’t think any of them actually like her. Clare makes a good point that if they left her behind, she’d have a chance to be alone with Colin.

David visits Valerie while she’s packing, and he’s as surprised as I am that she was invited on the trip. She admits that she invited herself in an attempt to patch things up with Kelly. David thanks her for helping him out when he was depressed, and they end up kissing. Toni’s been avoiding Dylan for a few days, so he takes her a teddy bear as a peace offering. She confronts him for snooping in Marchette’s study during the dinner party. She wants him to respect her father and their home.

The road trippers head off toward the spa, taking a shortcut Clare knows about. They have slumber party-like conversations, and Kelly admits that her favorite sex romp was with Dylan. She asks Valerie about her favorite kiss, and Val says it was with David, just that morning. Donna doesn’t want details. Steve, David, and Ray get the Walshes’ house ready for the movie, which Steve confides is a porno. Unsurprisingly, he hasn’t told Brandon this yet.

Brandon wants to hang out with Susan, who doesn’t get why he’s so insistent that she come over to his house. She reveals that she has to go play bridge with a great-aunt and didn’t want to admit it because it’s so uncool. Speaking of cool, Kelly thinks Barry White is. Donna’s uncomfortable with all the sex talk.

Kelly and Clare rib Valerie about her multiple partners, and Val takes offense. She also calls Donna about sulking over her kiss with David when Clare dated him for months. Donna asks Val to come clean about her activities with Ray. Valerie admits that they slept together, and that Clare knew. Clare makes excuses, saying she thought David would tell Donna. Now Donna’s really upset. The girls decide to stop talking to Valerie for rest of the trip.

Something’s wrong with the car (of course – it’s a road trip), so the girls are stranded, but only briefly. A nun drives up and offers to help them. The movie crew arrives at the Walshes’ house, and there may be a role for Steve. David and Ray urge him to tell Brandon what’s going on. They laugh over the name of the movie, Topless Pizza Party 3. Toni wants Dylan to have dinner with her and Marchette that night. She’s amazed that Marchette said he knew Dylan’s father.

The nun drives the girls to her convent so they can spend the night in the guest quarters and a nun can fix their car. Kelly’s mad because Clare took a shortcut that led them the wrong way, and now they’re not near the spa. Valerie brings up Ray, asking how long the other girls are going to harp on the affair. She reminds Kelly that she had an affair with Dylan when he was dating Brenda. The nun informs the girls that they’re not allowed to talk from sunset to sunrise.

Steve is having the time of his life on the porn set. Brandon comes home just in time for the director to ask Steve to pick one of his friends to play a pizza delivery guy. Brandon wants the part, then quickly sees exactly what kind of movie is being filmed. He wants to call off the shoot, but Steve reminds him that he signed a contract.

Quiet time has begun at the convent, which makes things difficult when Colin calls Kelly. He’s about to go to dinner with his art dealer, Claudia, who is waaaaaaay too into handling her client, if you know what I mean. The nuns and their guests have a very quiet meal, and we get to hear their thoughts about how much they hate each other (the guests, not the nuns). “I wonder if any of them are virgins,” the rescuing nun thinks. Donna kind of wishes she lived there.

Steve and his ridiculous fake mustache get ready for their screen debut as the pizza delivery guy. He hams it up, then accidentally spills hot pizza on himself. The director loves him. Susan shows up after all, and Brandon tries to rush her back out the door, but it’s too late. Then she’s only too happy to show herself out the door. The director offers to give her a role as a nurse. Brandon tears up the contract and kicks out the crew.

Dylan, Toni, and Toni’s gigantic hair pass the time waiting for Marchette at dinner by discussing the fact that Dylan’s father was murdered. She’s surprised that her dad is late. Brandon chases after Susan to tell her that he had no idea the movie was going to be a porno. Susan doesn’t think that makes things better; after all, he’s living with a pervert who also cheated on a math placement test. Right now Brandon would rather hang out with that pervert than Susan, but they soon make up.

The girls try to sleep at the convent, but their thoughts keep them awake. Kelly realizes that she’s no better than Valerie – she’s slept with her best friend’s boyfriend and her boyfriend’s best friend. Valerie prays for friends, as well as for Donna to get a clue about Ray being a jerk. Donna asks for blessings for her loved ones, “even Valerie, the witch.” Clare just wants out.

As Brandon and Susan prepare to make their own porno, Toni and Dylan finish dinner, which Marchette never showed up to. When Toni leaves to take a phone call she thinks is from her father, he arrives and tells Dylan he never planned to have dinner with Jack McKay’s son. He thought the incident in the tram would have made Dylan stay away.

Dylan announces that he has information on Jack’s murder in a safe-deposit box, and he’s not afraid to use it. Marchette threatens to have him killed if he keeps hanging around Toni. One of his henchmen pulls a gun, but Dylan is ready with his own weapon. He tells Marchette that he was planning on telling Toni that her father killed his father. He vows to keep doing what he’s doing until Marchette pays for killing Jack.

The quiet period is over, and Donna tells the rescuing nun that she had a dream about joining the convent. She’s frustrated that another guy has let her down. The nun doesn’t think she’s been called to become a nun, but she doesn’t have to have a calling to maintain her faith. She needs to work on forgiveness.

Brandon wakes up alone (Susan went for a run) and unknowingly passes her test by making the bed. The girls’ car is fixed, and everyone’s on speaking terms again. Valerie advises Donna to make sure Ray’s worth it before she makes up with him. She can’t forget seeing him push her in Palm Springs, and she doesn’t want Donna to forget either.

Toni goes to Dylan’s house, having been told by Marchette that he’s been using her as part of a vendetta. Dylan admits that things started out that way, but now he’s really in love. He tells her that he’s sure Marchette killed Jack. Toni says that Marchette warned that Dylan would try to turn her against her father. She knows her father would never murder someone.

Claudia’s annoyed that Colin’s working on the mural at the After Dark when he’s supposed to be mounting a show soon. Kelly meets Claudia and is blissfully unaware of how close she and Colin are. Donna confronts Ray about his affair with Valerie, telling him that they’re friends now. She breaks up with Ray, making it clear that she’s not afraid of him hurting her. She’s willing to forgive Valerie, but not Ray. He tells her she’ll regret this, but Donna says her only regret is waiting this long to get rid of him.

Thoughts: A five-hour road trip to a spa? There aren’t any spas in Beverly Hills?

I had to laugh at Ray and David watching the movie crew and giggling to themselves.

The idea of a nun fixing the car made me think of The Sound of Music, though the nuns in that movie were…definitely not fixing that car.

Somehow I’m surprised that this is the first porno Steve’s appeared in.

July 6, 2013

BH90210 6.5, Lover’s Leap: Solve All Your Psychological Problems in Two Days

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , at 2:55 pm by Jenn

This seems like a great idea

This seems like a great idea

Summary: Valerie’s having a black-and-white dream about running down a long hallway to a locked door. She screams, “Daddy!” and wakes up, in turn waking up Brandon and Steve. Dylan picks up Toni for class, bringing Bruno some donuts. Toni invites him in to give him a tour of the freaking gigantic house. (The dining room is the size of my apartment.) She wants Dylan and his friends to come to dinner the next night. In the study, Dylan spots a picture of Marchette and Jack together but pretends not to know who Jack is. Toni doesn’t know who he is either.

At the Peach Pit, Kelly, Donna, and Clare talk about Toni’s dinner invitation. Clare’s tutoring has paid off for Steve, and he’s very grateful. The gang discusses David and how depressed he’s been since his mother’s suicide attempt. David and Mel visit Sheila in the hospital, but she won’t talk to them. Mel presses David to keep going to class and maintain a normal routine. Sheila’s doctor tells them that she thinks Sheila should have electroconvulsive therapy since her medications aren’t working. David objects, but Mel’s considering it as an option.

On campus, Dylan tells Brandon about the picture he found in Marchette’s study. Brandon promises that he’s the only person who knows about Jack and Marchette’s connection. He heads off to meet with Susan, inviting her to the dinner party, but she refuses. She also doesn’t want to have a relationship as long as they’re working together. So either she can fire him and they can date, or they can keep things platonic and keep working together. She does admit to being attracted to him, but not enough to choose him over letting him write for the paper.

Kelly and Donna go to David’s dorm room to check on him, telling him the same thing Mel did about how he needs to get on with his life. He doesn’t listen to them any more than he listened to his father. Brandon goes to Susan’s room to tell her he’s quitting the paper so they can date. She’s totally fine with that, especially since it means she gets a free meal at Toni’s. She also announces that Brandon has called her bluff, so he doesn’t have to quit.

Valerie writes Cindy an email, and Brandon and Steve notice that she’s acting down. She asks Brandon if he remembers her father, then says she doesn’t have any good memories of him. She reveals that she was the person who found him the night he killed himself. Val’s emotional but feels like she needs to talk about it in order to get past it. Sheila’s suicide attempt has put her back into the depression she felt after her father’s death. Brandon urges her to talk to her mother, but Valerie says that her mother blames her for her father’s suicide. Her behavior led to a lot of fighting.

Kelly, Colin, Donna, Ray, and Clare go to a movie on campus (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, inappropriately enough), then hang out on the quad. They run into David, but he doesn’t want to join them. Valerie has her running dream again, but this time she gets into the locked room and finds her father bleeding on the floor. She wakes up crying and Brandon comforts her.

The next day, Toni gets ready for the party, which her father (who’s out of town) doesn’t know she’s hosting. Bruno warns her not to get too involved with Dylan. Marchette calls, I guess just to remind us that he and Toni have a good relationship. Bruno continues warning Toni, who tells him not to say anything to Marchette about them. Dylan stops by to make out with his girlfriend while Bruno watches disapprovingly.

At the Peach Pit, there’s a mouse. For some reason, people are still willing to eat there. Clare and Steve have another tutoring session tinged with flirting, so it’s only a matter of time before they hook up. They plan to go to the dinner party together. Then Clare thinks Steve’s playing footsy with her, but it’s the mouse. I start crying because it’s so dumb.

Mel tells David that he needs to get on board with the ECT and convince Sheila to do it. David laments that his mother won’t even look at him. Mel orders him to make an effort. Everyone else gets dressed up and goes to Toni’s party. Susan’s totally jealous of Kelly, and Clare probably should be, too, since Steve’s checking her out. Bruno catches Dylan snooping around in Marchette’s study, so Dylan tells him that Jack is his father. Bruno tells him that he and Marchette already know who he is, but Toni doesn’t. He warns Dylan to treat Toni well because she’s like a daughter to him.

Valerie checks on David, revealing to him that she’s had her own experiences with a suicidal parent. She invites him on a field trip, taking him to an overpass, where he warns her that she could fall and land in traffic. Val notes that things could fall apart at any moment. If David wants to jump, he should go ahead. David balks, and Valerie tells him that she comes here sometimes as a “gut check.” He tells her he doesn’t want to die.

After the dinner party, everyone goes to the Peach Pit, for some reason. Brandon tells Dylan he needs to tell Toni who he is, since she’s already in love with him. Nat and Willie can’t catch the mouse, so Donna steps in, calling it like a dog and picking it up. And that’s Donna’s plotline for the episode. Steve takes Clare home and they kiss, so I guess that’s that.

Valerie takes David to the hospital to see Sheila again. He’s grateful that she came to see him and got him out of his room. Sheila still won’t talk to or even look at David, but he tells her he wants her to live. He tells her all the things she has to look forward to, like him getting married and having kids. He thinks she needs to try the ECT. Sheila finally looks at him, asking if he’ll be there when she has the procedure.

Colin and Kelly are at his studio, blah blah, they’re happy. Valerie gets an email back from Cindy giving her encouragement. She’s in much better spirits now and isn’t worried about nightmares. That night she has the running dream a third time, but this time she opens the door to find David on the other side, telling her she doesn’t have to be afraid.

Thoughts: Susan’s early good will with me has already disappeared. Brandon isn’t worth it, Susan.

Sorry you’re not allowed to have a storyline, Nat.

All the dresses the girls wear to dinner party are surprisingly nice.

They should have just had an episode of David and Valerie because everything else was stupid and/or pointless. We didn’t even get to see the dinner party!

June 30, 2013

BH90210 6.4, Everything’s Coming Up Roses: Everyone Makes Out and Then Someone Almost Dies

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 4:54 pm by Jenn



Summary: Dylan uses an electronic typewriter (no joke) to type a letter to the FBI in case he dies while investigating Marchette. Toni shows up unexpectedly, having skipped class to take him to the beach. Kelly and Donna go to a meeting about the Tournament of Roses Royal Court; Kelly thinks Donna only wants to participate because she’s a “sucker for tiaras.” Susan is also there, because of course she’s writing an editorial about why the court is stupid. Brandon teases her about it.

Later, Donna goes with Ray to meet with the record exec who’s supposed to be signing him, but the meeting gets rescheduled. The exec also doesn’t want to listen to Ray’s tape. Fortunately, his daughter (the one who drives all his decisions) is now in love with Ray. At the Walshes’, Steve chats with a girl on CU’s message boards, telling her he’s sensitive and gentle and all that crap. He encourages Brandon to try it out, but we all know Brandon’s already met his next conquest.

David hangs out with his mom, who really doesn’t want him to leave, even to go study. Dylan does his math homework at the Peach Pit, where Willie proves to be a math whiz. Clare’s tutoring sessions don’t seem to be working out. Clare sits with Kelly, Donna, and Valerie, who have all (except Val) decided to try out for the Rose Court. Kelly wants to go to the Rose Court ball with Colin, so Valerie offers to give him the night off. She ends up helping him with his mural, offering her services for the weekend.

Donna and Felice get manicures, and Donna shares that she’s trying out for the Rose Court. Felice doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Donna sees this as criticism, and Felice’s way of saying she’s not good enough to make it. Dylan invites Toni out for a motorcycle ride, so she ditches her schoolwork for him again. They’re followed by her bodyguard, Bruno. Val goes to the Rose Court tryouts anyway, lying to Kelly that she tried to get Colin to take the night off for the ball, but he said no.

Susan snarks about the process while Brandon tells her she likes being critical too much, and she comes across as elitist. Dylan and Toni go for a ride, trying to lose Bruno. Either the bike is faster than Bruno’s car or Bruno sucks at his job. The Rose Court hopefuls tour some house and see the tiaras worn by previous Rose Queens. (Donna used to make her own for her Barbies.) Val notes that there are only seven slots on the Rose Court, so Donna has little chance of making it. Valerie decides she’s had enough of the process and leaves.

Donna goes before the judges, one of whom calls her “lovely.” Having successfully ditched Bruno, Toni announces that she wants to drive Dylan’s bike. For some reason, he lets her, even though she doesn’t know where anything is. Except she’s lying, because she does know how to drive a motorcycle. This is the dumbest scene ever. They make out for, like, an hour while Bruno watches them.

Kelly asks Colin about the ball, but he doesn’t want to go. She turns to David, who decides this is a great excuse to get out of hanging out with Sheila again. Clare struggles through another tutoring session with Steve, then asks him to go to the ball with her. Brandon bugs Dylan about Toni, having predicted that he would fall in love with her. Dylan gives him the key to a safety deposit box in case something happens to him.

Brandon and Dylan get a look at the message Steve is writing his new cyber-girlfriend. Awesomely, it starts with “Dear Cuddles.” He plans to meet her after the ball. Also going to the ball: Susan, who agrees to accompany Brandon. Donna makes the Rose Court, but she’s upset that Felice isn’t happy about it. Kelly tells her it doesn’t matter what her mother thinks, and that their friends support her. Ray makes things worse by telling Donna he can’t go to the ball; he has to play at the record exec’s daughter’s birthday party if he wants a deal.

Valerie “helps” Colin with the mural, though I don’t think she actually does anything useful. They’re done faster than expected, so he suggests another activity they can do. Donna mopes at the birthday party while Ray accompanies a game of musical chairs. At the ball, Brandon suggests that he and Susan get their picture taken (this thing is basically like a prom) and run it with their editorial about the Rose Court. The photographer thinks they’re dating. At least they’re having fun, unlike Steve and Clare.

David and Kelly dance, but fortunately, the band is playing swing music, so David isn’t as dorky as usual. Susan accuses Brandon of staring at his ex. Colin and Valerie arrive, and how did they get tickets? Val notes that Kelly doesn’t seem too upset to be at the ball without her boyfriend. She is upset, however, at seeing Valerie there with Colin. Val swears that she didn’t intend to make Kelly mad; she and Colin thought Kelly would be happy to have Colin come. Colin backs this up but asks Kelly to apologize to Valerie. But first, making out!

Steve and Clare both ditch the ball early, followed by Brandon and Susan, who have to go work on their story. (Not a euphemism.) David offers Valerie a ride home if she’s okay with stopping by his mother’s place first. Toni goes back to Dylan’s for more making out. Susan, Brandon, and their sexual tension work on the story, and he tells her she’s a good editor. He tries to fish for a compliment in return, but she can’t think of one. Then she tells him he has good lips, and they make out.

Donna and Ray make it to the ball just in time for the last dance of the evening. He thinks she’ll be crowned Rose Princess, and she thinks he’ll become a rock star. Steve goes to the Peach Pit to meet his cyber-girlfriend, who turns out to be Clare. Neither of them is happy, but Nat thinks it’s hilarious. They decide to have coffee anyway. On their way home, David and Valerie stop by Sheila’s apartment and see ambulances and police cars outside. Sheila’s taken away by paramedics, having attempted suicide.

Thoughts: I’m not really a girly girl, but I completely support Donna’s love of tiaras.

Steve: “You get more honey with flies.” Brandon: “Can’t argue with logic like that.” Hee.

I’m still not seeing any appeal with Colin, and especially not so much that two girls would want him. He’s beyond dull.

If you didn’t see it coming that Clare was Steve’s cyber-girlfriend, congratulations on being born yesterday.

June 24, 2013

BH90210 6.3, Must Be a Guy Thing: Tony! Toni! Toné!

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , at 9:14 pm by Jenn

"I get to make out with Luke Perry, and later I'll marry Eric Dane. It's hard not to hate me, isn't it?"

“I get to make out with Luke Perry, and later I’ll marry Eric Dane. It’s hard not to hate me, isn’t it?”

Summary: School is about to start up again, but Clare’s the only person kind of looking forward to it. Valerie, Steve, and Donna decide they need to go to the beach. Kelly shows up to the Peach Pit with Colin and is stunned to learn that he and Valerie already know each other. In fact, they once traveled through Europe together. Kelly puts on her worried face.

Early the next morning, Dylan goes to CU, where Brandon teases him for finding his way back to college. Dylan admits that he’s there to stalk Anthony Marchette’s son, who’s a CU student. Elsewhere, Valerie tells Steve that she and Colin met on a teen tour of Europe, and she had a big crush on him. Another elsewhere, Clare and Donna wonder what developed between Val and Colin in Europe. Kelly tries to convince them (and herself) that it’s not a big deal.

Dylan goes to Marchette’s son’s class and learns that the son, Tony, is actually a daughter, Toni. He tries to ask her out after class, but she’s not interested. Steve manages to put together an awesome schedule – nothing on Mondays and Fridays, and nothing before 11 a.m. But he’s suspicious because his advisor wants to see him.

Now that Brandon’s not president anymore, he didn’t have any pull to get a good schedule. He’s decided to try to get a column in the school paper. Kelly and Donna warn him that the editor is tough and definitely a feminist. Colin finds Kelly for a makeout session, making Valerie uncomfortable. Steve meets with his advisor, who orders him to take remedial class five days a week. And those would be morning classes. Also, he should get a tutor.

Kelly joins Colin at the art building, where he tells her he was offered a teaching position but doesn’t want it. She brings up Valerie, but Colin insists that nothing ever happened between them (and it sounds like he never wanted it to). Brandon meets the newspaper editor, Susan, and asks if he can be a columnist. She tells him he’ll have to work for it. She also clearly doesn’t like him, which is awesome.

The husband of the woman whose ring Ray didn’t steal is a record executive, and Donna has arranged for him to hear Ray play at the After Dark. Speaking of the After Dark, Valerie gives Colin a tour and they reminisce about the Europe trip. He admires a wall, wanting to paint a mural on it. Kelly’s not thrilled that he’ll be spending so much time at the club.

Dylan stalks Toni some more, and she must find his khaki vest more charming than I do, because she offers him a ride in her chauffeured car. Brandon gives Susan an article he wrote, saying it’s a freelance piece. It’s a response to a column she wrote about what girls on campus should watch out for in college guys. Susan tears it up and calls Brandon on having an overblown ego. He thinks they should “research” by seeing what college students actually do in a social setting, such as the After Dark.

Colin tries to figure out what to paint at the club while I try to keep myself awake. David’s late for Ray’s sound check because he was doing something for his mom, and Valerie snaps at him. Kelly calls her on her attitude like a nice, protective sister. Valerie asks if Kelly’s being mean because of David or because she hired Colin. Kelly says it depends on whether Val’s being friendly with him…or overly friendly.

Dylan and Toni go out to eat, and he digs for information on her father. She wants to go out again, though it might mean getting away from her bodyguard, Bruno. She and Dylan agree to meet at the After Dark that night. Steve starts interviewing math tutors, hoping for one who’s gorgeous, corrupt, or both. In short, he wants to pay the tutor to do his work. Unfortunately, his most likely candidate doesn’t speak enough English to know what he’s agreeing to.

Brandon’s surprised to see Susan looking hot at the club, because smart women don’t clean up nice, or something. Whatever, Brandon, shut up. Valerie apologizes to David for snapping at him and offers to be there if he needs to vent about having a crazy parent. He’s surprised that she’s actually capable of showing sympathy. Ray’s nervous about his set, and becomes even more nervous when he learns that the record executive’s daughter has to like him for her father to agree to sign Ray. So far, so bad.

A guy tries to flirt with Susan, using one of the world’s worst pickup lines. When he asks if they’ve met somewhere before, she replies, “I’m the secretary at your VD clinic.” Steve complains to Clare about being forced to take math, and she offers to tutor him. He won’t enjoy the process, but he’ll pass. “She’s beautiful, but is she corrupt?” Brandon asks. (Okay, heh.) Colin and Kelly decide to ditch the club early so they can go get naked at his place. Valerie mopes.

Toni manages to evade Bruno and meet Dylan at the After Dark, but he wants to go somewhere else, since he’s there all the time. He mentions that he once bought the place. He didn’t say anything earlier because he didn’t want Toni to be interested in him for his money. (Uh, she’s rich, too, so I don’t think she cares.) They go inside anyway, and Toni meets the gang. Then Ray does his set, and I say yay for fast-forward. Brandon notices that Toni is really, really interested in Dylan.

At the end of the night, Brandon walks Susan to her car, and as much as I like her, I have to side with him in this; it’s a nice thing to do, and it’s safer that way. Whatever, his charm is definitely wearing her down. Clare lays down the law for Steve, then takes advantage of his desperation to give him a high prices for sessions. He asks how much it would cost for topless tutoring, and she says he can’t afford it. And with that, I actually like Clare for a minute.

The exec’s daughter liked Ray, I guess, so Donna thinks he’s going to get a contract. Brandon warns Dylan that he’ll be heading for disaster if he keeps hanging out with Toni. Dylan is too focused on his plan to care. He takes Toni home and gets a goodnight kiss. Marchette sees them from the doorway and asks Bruno to look into who Dylan is.

Kelly’s alone at Colin’s loft when a woman named Claudia from a gallery in New York calls to talk to him. For some reason, this is supposed to be important. Susan runs Brandon’s article and agrees to let him write a weekly column. He wants to have dinner with her. She says they have nothing in common and she basically hates him, but he won’t take no for an answer. And she finds that charming! Arg, Susan, you’re quickly losing my love.

Colin goes to the After Dark to start painting, and Valerie offers to help inspire him. I’m not sure he gets the subtext there. She tells him straight out that she’s always dreamed of kissing him, so he makes her dream come true, and I really can’t believe no one saw that, especially Kelly.

Thoughts: Clare’s hair is pretty awful, but when she wears it in pigtails, it’s adorable.

I find it very hard to suspend my disbelief that Colin and Valerie know each other. That’s such a soap thing, to have someone move across the country and encounter someone they know. Like how people show up in town and then discover their long-lost relatives live there.

Other things that are hard for me to do: not call Susan “Anya.”

Steve carries a briefcase to class. What’s in it, crayons?

Susan: “I object to everything about you.” Brandon: “But you don’t even know me.” Susan: “Exactly. Why ruin a good thing?” Please don’t change, Susan.

Rebecca Gayheart is…not that great in this.

Brandon, is Susan is bascially your boss. Don’t ask out your boss.