February 26, 2022
Buffy 2.16, Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered: Got the Love
I bet Xander has had this exact dream
Summary: Xander is out on patrol with Buffy, asking her opinion on a heart-shaped necklace he bought for Cordelia. She thinks the necklace is fine but the recipient is not. Xander could find someone better. He says the only other person he’s interested in is unavailable. He and Cordelia are getting along better and even enjoying each other’s company a little. Buffy is “almost really” glad to hear that. She tells him not to stress over the present.
Xander wishes dating were more like slaying – just a stake to the heart and that’s it. A vampire they’ve been waiting on rises from his grave and Buffy fights him, because slaying isn’t always as simple as killing and being done with it. It’s also a little more dangerous than dating, as Buffy notes. “Well, you’re obviously not dating Cordelia,” Xander quips.
The next day, Cordelia arrives at school and approaches her friends, who ignore her. They’ve also been avoiding her calls about what they’re all wearing for the Valentine’s Day dance that night. Cordelia’s going to wear red and black, so no one else can. One of her friends asks if Xander likes red and black. “A girl wants to look good for her geek,” Harmony says. She taunts that soon Cordelia and Xander will wear matching outfits.
A teacher asks her students to leave their papers on her desk at the end of class; anyone who doesn’t turn one in will get an F. Xander’s ready, for once, though he doesn’t expect more than a D-. Amy asks Buffy and Willow if they’re going to the dance at the Bronze. Willow happily says her boyfriend’s in the band. Buffy says Valentine’s Day is a gimmick to sell chocolate, which Amy interprets as her saying she had a bad breakup.
Buffy and Willow give the teacher their papers, but Amy just stares at the teacher for a few moments and hands her nothing. The teacher thanks her anyway. Xander’s the only one who sees, and he tells Buffy and Willow that he thinks Amy used witchcraft on their teacher. Buffy says she’s the last person who should be doing magic, considering what her mother did with it.
Giles finds Buffy in the hallway and asks to have a word. She generously says he can have a sentence. Jenny’s approaching, and she and Giles exchange a look, but he doesn’t want to talk to her (though at least he’s polite about it). Buffy won’t even acknowledge her. In the library, Giles tries to cover his sadness. He’s been reading up on Angelus’ past evil deeds and warns Buffy that he likes to cause a ruckus around Valentine’s Day with “brutal displays.” Giles thinks Buffy should stop patrolling for a few nights; he’ll take her place.
At the factory, Spike gives Drusilla a necklace for Valentine’s Day. Angelus one-ups him by giving her a heart. No, not something shaped like a heart – an actual human heart. Romantic! He puts Spike’s necklace on her, as if he doesn’t want to inconvenience Spike, who’s still using a wheelchair. Spike tells him to keep his focus on Buffy, whose present Angelus hasn’t figured out yet. Spike suggests that he just tear her lungs out. Angelus says that “lacks poetry,” but Spike says it doesn’t have to: “What rhymes with ‘lungs’?” Drusilla’s sure that Angelus will figure out the perfect thing.
At the Bronze, Willow enjoys Oz’s performance with Dingoes Ate My Baby (“I think I’m a groupie!”) while Xander waits nervously for Cordelia. When she arrives, her friends ignore her again. Buffy’s at home with Joyce, pointedly not celebrating Valentine’s Day. She hears a knock at the door, but when she goes to check it out, no one’s there. When Buffy returns to the living room, Joyce is gone. She went to the back door, where someone left Buffy a present. It’s a bouquet of roses with a note that just says, “Soon.”
Back at the Bronze, Xander finds Cordelia sitting alone. He tells her he’s been thinking about them a lot lately, and he thinks they could have something more than “tawdry teen lust.” He gives her the necklace, which she loves, but she tells him she wants to break up. She doesn’t think they fit together. Xander blasts her for dumping him on Valentine’s Day, and though she feels bad about that, she doesn’t do anything to make him feel better.
At school the next day, everyone knows what happened, which doesn’t help. Xander tries to talk to Buffy, but she’s rushing to see Giles about her Valentine’s gift. Harmony mocks Xander, which is just adding insult to injury. He finds Amy and accuses her of being a witch. She denies it, but he says he saw her using magic on their teacher. He’s going to blackmail her into getting him some respect. He’s going to use the Hellmouth to his advantage for once.
The two head into a classroom so they can discuss the love spell Xander wants Amy to do. Those are hard to do, since eternity is a pretty long time to make someone have feelings for someone else. Xander doesn’t want it to last quite that long – he won’t survive all of Cordelia’s inane conversations for eternity. He just wants her to want him so he can break up with her and put her through the pain she’s putting him through. Amy’s not sure about that, since love spells require pure intent. Xander says his intent is pure, even though it’s revenge. He threatens blackmail again, so Amy tells him to get a personal object from Cordelia.
Buffy shows Giles Angelus’ note and asks what “soon” means. She wants Giles to stop holding back and protecting her from what Angelus might do. She can’t prepare if she doesn’t know what she’s preparing for. Xander tracks down Cordelia and demands that she give back the necklace. She doesn’t want to give it up, but she agrees to get it from her locker. She’s actually wearing it under her shirt, and she uses her locker door to shield him from seeing her take it off. She pretends she’s happy to give it back so she doesn’t have to act like she likes it.
That night, Amy and Xander do the love spell in a classroom. Amy asks Diana (whom she says is the goddess of love and the hunt, but really just the hunt; you’re not good at this, Amy) to not let Xander’s true love rest until “she submits to his will only.” Ew. The next day, Xander approaches Cordelia full of confidence…but she treats him like she normally does. “Is this love? Because maybe on you, it doesn’t look that different,” he comments. He quickly realizes that the spell didn’t work on her.
Giles and Buffy are back in the library, going over horrible things Angelus has done on past Valentine’s Days. For example, one year he did something awful to a puppy. Buffy and I both object to hearing more details. As Giles goes to get more books, Xander arrives and laments how bad his life is right now. Buffy says it’s Cordelia’s loss, then suggests that the two of them do something together that night. She starts getting flirtatious, which confuses Xander. Buffy says she’s seen him every day for a while but is just now really seeing him.
They’re about to kiss when Amy interrupts and pulls Xander into the hallway. She tells him the spell didn’t work, but Xander isn’t so upset about that anymore. Amy offers to try again, or they can just hang out. Xander’s watching Buffy through the window, and he’s distracted by her seductive body language. He suddenly realizes that Amy’s hitting on him. She says the same thing Buffy did about seeing him every day but not really seeing him. Just then, another girl approaches and invites Xander to study with her that night. Xander gets freaked out and flees.
He goes home, where Willow surprises him in his bed (and one of his shirts). Xander has realized that the spell backfired and made basically every girl except Cordelia fall in love with him. Willow wants them to be together – in fact, she wants him to be her first. “Baseman!” Xander replies. “Please tell me we’re talking baseball.” She tells him they both know it’s right, then tries to kiss him.
Xander protests, though he doesn’t want Willow to think he’s not attracted to her. Willow assures him that Oz won’t be an issue. He’s sweet, but he’s not Xander. Xander says he is, and Willow should go to him, because he’s Xander. Willow kisses him, and Xander warns that he doesn’t want to use force to get her to back off, but he will if he needs to. She’s okay with that. Xander announces that it’s time for him to “act like a man…and hide.”
Back at school, Harmony confronts Cordelia for hurting Xander. Only someone really sick would dump him, even if her friends didn’t like him. Cordelia can’t understand what her friends want her to do. Xander returns to school and does a slow-motion walk down a hallway with the Average White Band’s “Got the Love” playing. Girls line the hallway, watching him like he’s a celebrity. At least one teacher shares their feelings. All the guys around glare at him.
Xander goes to the library, where Giles is completely clueless about what’s going on. Xander admits that he had Amy do a love spell that somehow made every woman in town fall for him. Jenny enters just then to talk to Giles, but she strokes Xander’s arm the whole time, even while she’s telling Giles she’s not ready to give up on making something with him work.
Giles pulls Jenny off her student and blasts Xander for being foolish enough to do a love spell. Jenny keeps gazing at Xander as Giles asks if Amy has tried to reverse the spell. Xander says that she only wants to talk about honeymoon plans when they’re near each other. Giles warns that people under the influence of a love spell can be dangerous and lose the ability to reason. Jenny is definitely demonstrating that, since she looks like she’s about to tear her clothes off. Giles orders Xander to stay in the library while he finds Amy and fixes things. He drags a protesting Jenny out with him.
Xander tries to barricade the doors to the library, but that won’t work when he only puts a card catalog in front of one of them, leaving the other free to open. Buffy comes in wearing a raincoat – a very short raincoat – which she starts to open. Xander tries to slam on the brakes. Even though this is what he’s wanted for a long time, he doesn’t want it like this. Buffy only wants him because of a spell, and she doesn’t know what this would mean to him if it were real.
Buffy turns on him, asking if this is a game. He made her feel this way, and now he’s rejecting her. She’s not a toy. Amy comes in and tells Buffy to get away from her guy. Buffy orders Xander to tell Amy to back off. She punches Amy and asks Xander if he’s two-timing her. Amy can’t beat the Slayer in a physical fight, but she does have an advantage Buffy doesn’t. She calls on Hecate (the goddess of magic) and does a spell that makes Buffy disappear.
Giles and Jenny return in time to see that that’s not exactly accurate. Buffy’s still there – she’s just a rat now. She runs off as Amy tries to convince Xander to come someplace private with her. Xander won’t go anywhere until Amy turns Buffy human again. Giles tries to chase the Buffy rat while Amy and Jenny start fighting over Xander. Amy calls on Hecate again, but Xander stops her, snapping, “Quit with the Hecate!”
Cordelia’s friends surround her, and Harmony blasts her for using Xander and never really caring about him. Cordelia tries to brush her off, but her friends close in on her. Back in the library, Giles and Xander keep looking for the Buffy rat, but soon Xander has a new problem: Oz’s fist. Buffy slips out of the library as Oz tells Xander that Willow spent the whole previous night crying on the phone to him about Xander. Xander promises that nothing happened between them.
Oz joins the search for Buffy, though Giles thinks Xander should go home and stay out of trouble instead of helping. In the hallway, Xander sees Cordelia’s friends attacking her and rushes to save her. The girls swarm him like groupies, but he manages to get Cordelia away from them. Giles thinks Cordelia’s necklace wound up protecting her from the spell instead of binding it to her, and the effects should be easy to reverse. Amy probably won’t be the one to undo the spell, though, since all she can think about is Xander.
She and Jenny bicker again over which of them has something real with Xander. Giles snaps at Amy that what she has with him isn’t love, it’s obsession. Xander’s in danger, and if Amy really cares about him, she’ll help Giles save him. She gives in, but unfortunately, Jenny has snuck out of the library during the conversation.
Xander gets Cordelia out of the school only to come across another horde of girls, led by an axe-wielding Willow. She’s willing to kill Xander if it means keeping him from being with Cordelia. A riot breaks out, and Xander and Cordelia are able to slip away again. Meanwhile, Oz tracks Buffy to the school basement, where she encounters a cat.
Xander and Cordelia make it to Buffy’s house, which they figure is a good place to hide. They didn’t think it through, though, because the love spell somehow managed to get Joyce, too. Cordelia catches her touching Xander in a way that’s totally inappropriate for a grown woman, and she locks Joyce and her “mom-aged mitts” out of the house.
Cordelia asks Xander why everyone has gone insane. Xander’s offended that she thinks no one else could possibly have feelings for him. She says the only way he could attract this much attention is through witchcraft. Joyce is so desperate to get back in that she breaks a window in the back door, so Xander and Cordelia run upstairs to Buffy’s room. That’s when Angelus arrives and pulls Xander out a window.
As the Buffy rat comes across a mousetrap, Angelus pounds on Xander and asks where Buffy is. He decides to use Xander for a special Valentine’s Day present for Buffy. Drusilla swoops in and saves him, since the love spell worked on her, too. So on the plus side, Xander’s safe now, but on the minus side, an insane vampire is now in love with him, and she wants to spend eternity with him.
Just as Drusilla is about to bite Xander, Willow and her angry mob arrive. Cordelia stops her from hurting Xander with the axe and gets him back inside the house. Drusilla breaks down the backdoor, but since she’s never been invited in, she can’t join the mob as they rush in. Xander and Cordelia end up in the same place their relationship began, the Summerses’ basement.
As Oz continues looking for Buffy, and Giles and Amy start the spell to reverse all this madness, Xander nails boards across the basement door to keep out the mob. Cordelia mocks him for using magic. He says it’s not his fault that it didn’t work on her. She realizes the spell was to win her back, not get him attention from other girls. They back away from the door, which is in danger of being broken down, but the mob is trying to get in through a window, too.
Before undoing the love spell, Amy changes Buffy back into a human. Willow gets through the basement door and the mob streams into the basement. Giles does the reversal spell just in time, and everyone in the mob recovers at once, confused about what’s going on. Buffy and Oz try to keep things casual when they realize she’s naked. Cordelia comes up with a cover story for the mob, telling them they were all participating in a scavenger hunt.
Buffy questions that at school the next day, but Xander says that Joyce bought it. Or at least she’s pretending to buy it, instead of accepting the fact that she hit on one of her daughter’s friends. Xander laments that he’s unpopular again, though at least it’s better than having a bunch of people want to murder him. Buffy assures him that Willow, who won’t talk to him yet, will get over this. It’s just harder for her than anyone else because she already had feelings for him. Buffy remembers everything that happened, including Xander’s refusal to take advantage of her (and her sudden desire for cheese).
Xander runs into Cordelia while she’s with her friends, and when Harmony insults him, Cordelia finally stands up to her. She calls Harmony a sheep for trying to be cool, while Cordelia’s cool because she does what she wants without worrying about other people’s approval. That means she’ll date whoever she wants to date, “no matter how lame he is.” Cordelia goes off with Xander, panicking that she’s torpedoed her social life, but he promises that they can fight around her friends if it’ll help.
Thoughts: Sarah Michelle Gellar was hosting Saturday Night Live the week this episode was being filmed, so they had Buffy turn into a rat so they could write her out.
Buffy acting seductive with Xander is hilarious. SMG really leans into it. And Robia LaMorte plays Jenny’s attraction to Xander perfectly.
Darn you, past me, for using “I Want You to Want Me” for another recap title.
June 30, 2020
ER 6.13, Be Still My Heart: My Bloody Valentine
Iconic
Summary: I guess David’s thing is playing things at high volume early in the morning, because here he is again, making noise. He’s looking through Ruth’s records and has put on a cha-cha song. Over at Elizabeth’s, she’s also dealing with a parent, since her mother’s staying with her. Isabelle wants to come observe a procedure Elizabeth is doing later in the day, but Elizabeth tells her it’s not allowed. Isabelle thinks her daughter has enough pull to change the rules.
David has switched over to the Oklahoma! soundtrack, and Mark is singing along to “Surrey With the Fringe on Top” while shaving. David bugs him about getting a prescription refill, but Mark says family members aren’t allowed to do that. David wonders what the point is of having a son who’s a doctor if he doesn’t get perks like prescriptions. Isn’t it enough to be able to tell people your son is a doctor?
At County, Amira is decorating for Valentine’s Day and Yosh is handing out valentines. Luka confirms that they celebrate the holiday in Croatia; they even have those little hearts with the messages on them. Paramedics bring in Jean, who wants Carter to be her doctor since he was so wonderful with her husband, Barry. Abby starts her off with an examination, thinking she has an infection.
Mark and Elizabeth meet up on the way to work, looking forward to having dinner together that night. Elizabeth warns that Isabelle may come visit the hospital, and Mark shouldn’t be too excited to meet her. They start goofing around in the snow, which leads to Elizabeth running into the ER, screaming, while Lucy’s trying to talk to her next patient, Paul Sobriki.
That’s right, friends. It’s THAT episode.
Dave and Chen are trying to work together on a patient named Hudson, who was in a fender-bender. They’re acting like squabbling siblings, so they miss the part of their patient’s history where it turns out he’s a doctor himself. Mark takes over the examination as an amused Hudson reports that the residents are asking the right questions but not waiting to hear his answers.
Carter doesn’t remember Jean or her husband, but he tells Abby he’ll come see her anyway. First, Lucy pulls him away to help her with Paul, who’s had a headache for a couple of days. It seems like a migraine, though he doesn’t have a history of those. Carter approves of Lucy’s suggested treatment, saying he trusts her judgment and doesn’t need to examine Paul himself.
He heads on to see Jean, pretending he remembers her. Abby wants to give her every treatment available, but Carter isn’t sure Jean would want all of that. Mark asks Carter if he’s overseeing Lucy’s work with Paul, and Carter says she presented the case to him. Mark reminds him that if he’s going to supervise med students, he needs to, you know, supervise them. Carter goes to check on them, finding that Paul is now altered and saying strange things. Carter chastises Lucy for not giving him all the details about the case before. Lucy says he was fine before and she was about to get Carter.
Romano pages Elizabeth to the OR for an unscheduled procedure on a patient named Gretel. Romano is uncharacteristically concerned about the patient…who happens to be his dog. (That’s right, friends. It’s THAT episode, too.) Once Paul has been knocked out with a sedative, Lucy and Carter prepare to give him a lumbar puncture to see if he has meningitis. He wakes up when Lucy sticks him with the needle, so Carter holds him down and tells Lucy to keep going. She has trouble with the procedure, and it’s not helped by Paul begging her to stop.
I guess dogs and humans have the exact same anatomy, because Elizabeth and Romano are fine operating on Gretel. Romano acts like it’s totally normal to remove your own dog’s tumor, because what else should he do? Let a doctor specially trained to operate on dogs, who’s familiar with dogs’ anatomy and care, do the operation? Romano would be crazy to let that happen!
Chen and Dave tell Mark that Hudson had been in remission from cancer for 15 months, but it’s come back. They disagree about the best treatment, and Mark gets them to admit that they haven’t even asked Hudson what he wants. Mark takes over the case and tells them to be quiet.
Abby checks on Jean, who’s doing better after getting fluids, though she thinks Yosh’s TLC and valentine are what have helped the most. She didn’t think she would get a valentine this year, since her husband died a few months ago. Barry was always very thoughtful and remembered all their special occasions. She shows Abby a pin he gave her last year; she didn’t tell him that he got her the same pin the year before. It says “be still my heart.”
Paul is mentally stable again, and tells Lucy that his wife is probably out shopping for Valentine’s Day, which is why Lucy can’t reach her. He doesn’t have meningitis, but Lucy hasn’t figured out his diagnosis yet. Paul wants to go back to the diner where he usually studies (he’s in law school); he’s been avoiding the library since there have been some muggings there recently. Lucy picks up on a little paranoia. She wants to do a CAT scan, assuring Paul that he won’t be affected by the radiation.
Romano is the only one taking the Gretel situation seriously until she has a seizure that leads to heart trouble. Romano wants to do everything himself, but Elizabeth won’t let him. Mark gives Hudson his diagnosis, which comes with only about a year left to live. He decides to have chemo, since radiation on his esophagus could leave him unable to eat. If he only has a year left, he wants to still be able to enjoy food.
Lucy chats with a friend of Paul’s who used to study with him in the library. He tells Lucy that Paul has been acting weird for a few months, seemingly wearing the same clothes all the time. They went to the same college, and Paul did really well there, but now he’s cutting classes. He also picks fights with the friend over dumb things like parking spaces.
Jean is doing worse, and since she’s unconscious now, Abby has to make a decision about her care. Carter runs to join her, getting delayed by Lucy, who wants to talk to him about Paul. She thinks he might have a psychiatric disorder. Carter ignores her and goes to Jean’s room, where Abby has given her dopamine to help her. She didn’t want heroic measures, but Abby doesn’t think dopamine falls into that category. Carter warns that she’ll flood Jean’s lungs if she gives her more fluids. Abby will have to make more hard decisions.
Paul and his friend get into an argument in the hallway when Paul accuses the friend of following him to the hospital. Mark and Carter separate them, and Malik takes Paul back to his room. Mark has to rush off to see to Hudson, so the friend tells Carter to let Lucy know about the fight. Hudson is unstable and needs radiation immediately, even though he wanted chemo instead. Mark says he won’t live long enough for chemo if he doesn’t have radiation now.
Carter blasts Lucy for not keeping a better eye on Paul. Lucy thinks Paul has schizophrenia, and she’s planning to call for a psych consult once she’s presented the case to Carter. Carter needs to get back to Jean, so he tells Lucy to page psych now and hand Paul off so she can see other patients.
Jean is conscious again, but Carter was right about the fluids, and her lungs have been affected. Abby wants to intubate her and treat her infection, thinking that’ll be the end of the story. Carter points out that she’s elderly and has multi-organ failure. If she undergoes intubation, she might never be able to be extubated. He reminds Abby that this isn’t about what she wants – it’s about what Jean wants. Jean stops breathing, a complication of the heart failure that’s going to kill her.
As Carol and Luka get read for a trauma that’s coming in, Romano and Elizabeth finish Gretel’s surgery and move her to a recovery room. Romano thinks Elizabeth’s joking when she asks if Gretel has insurance. Isabelle picks this moment to show up for Elizabeth’s fancy laser surgery, instead seeing her tending to a dog. So much for making a good impression. Romano makes an even worse impression when Isabelle says she’s in town for some lectures on wave-particle duality, and Romano says that sounds horrible. Isabelle clarifies that she’s giving the lectures.
Carol, Luka, and Cleo meet a couple of ambulances bringing in a family from a car accident. The young kids, Robbie and Julia, only have minor injuries, but their parents are in serious condition. Cleo and Haleh try to tend to the kids, but Robbie’s more concerned with his parents’ conditions than his own. Isabelle watches from the hallway as Elizabeth finally gets to put her skills at treating humans to use. Julia slips out of her and Robbie’s exam room and almost gets a glimpse of her father’s bloody trauma before Cleo pulls her away.
Luka and Carol work hard on Robbie and Julia’s mother but ultimately can’t save her. They go next door, where Benton and Elizabeth aren’t having much more luck with the father, and let them know that his wife has already died. Benton realizes the father isn’t going to make it, either. Luka and Carol volunteer to tell Robbie and Julia that they’re now orphans.
Julia’s too young to really grasp what it means that both her parents are dead, but Robbie gets it. He asks to see his parents’ bodies. Luka, who we know from previous interactions with kids believes in telling them the truth, says that’s fine. He prepares the kids a little for the scary sight they’re about to see, which turns out to be too much for Julia. Robbie goes into the trauma room alone, takes a last look at his parents, and cries over his mother’s body.
Hudson is awake but probably wishing he wasn’t, since Dave and Chen are looking after him again. Even though Mark went against Hudson’s wishes, Hudson is grateful. Chen and Dave keep bickering, and Mark tells them he only had one child because he didn’t want to listen to two of them argue. Just wait until season 8, Mark. Then you’ll wish you’d never had any children.
Elizabeth goes looking for her mother, and Mark tells her that they met. In fact, the three of them are going out to dinner, along with David. Mark says Isabelle arranged it all; she “has a way about her” that makes her hard to turn down. Elizabeth meets up with Isabelle at Doc Magoo’s, where Isabelle claims Mark (who “has a way about him”) organized the group dinner. She thinks he’s trying to set her up with David. Isabelle says she had no idea how difficult Elizabeth’s job is.
Lucy finds Paul in the lounge, where he says he was looking for coffee. Chuny and Lydia are getting ready for a staff Valentine’s Day party, though they only have one small cake, and it’s blue instead of red or pink. David resists being set up with Isabelle and says it must have been Elizabeth’s idea. Mark tells him it’s just a friendly dinner. He tells David he can skip it if he wants.
Carter bugs Lucy about still looking after Paul; she’s called psych twice but they haven’t been able to send anyone to see him. Carter tells her to let Malik stay with Paul while she does her job. Lucy’s fed up with Carter and ignores him. David and Isabelle get along better than expected, bonding over their children’s heroic medical actions. They restaurant they’re at doubles as a piano bar, and they laugh together over how bad one of the singers is.
Shirley checks on Gretel, assuring Romano that not everyone at County thinks he’s crazy – just the ones who were part of the operation. Romano lives alone, so Gretel’s the only one he goes home to. Shirley makes the insane suggestion that Romano try to show compassion for people the same way he shows it for Gretel. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. She tries to keep Romano from giving Gretel a dog biscuit, since she’s not supposed to have any food yet.
At the restaurant, David sings “They Call the Wind Mariah,” definitely showing up the previous singer. Mark says he used to do this sort of thing to embarrass Mark as a kid. He agrees with Elizabeth that David is pretty brave. Back at County, Abby’s still sitting with Jean in the last moments of her life. Abby admits to Carter that he was right and she shouldn’t have chosen the treatment she did for Jean. Jean dies and Abby whispers, “Be still my heart.”
David and Isabelle duet on “I Remember It Well” as Elizabeth and Mark discuss the movie it’s from, Gigi. Elizabeth watched it a bunch as a kid because Isabelle liked the movie’s lesson – women shouldn’t define themselves through men. Mark thinks the evening is really bizarre.
Abby’s smoking on the roof again, even though it’s freezing outside. Carter brings her some coffee and suggests she find a warmer place to mope. She tells him that in OB, everything is almost always happy. This is the first time she’s seen someone old die. Carter gives her good news and bad news: She’ll never get used to it. They decide to go back inside for the Valentine’s Day party.
In the ER, “Battleflag” by Lo Fidelity Allstars is blasting, to ensure that we always associate it with this episode. The nurses cut the cake, and Lydia says there’s a bigger knife in the lounge. Amira says she couldn’t find it. Carter realizes that Lucy still hasn’t seen the patient he’s been telling her to treat. Lily reports that she’s still waiting on Paul’s psych consult. Abby asks Carol and Luka if the patients mind the loud music, but it’s so loud that they can’t hear her.
Carter goes off to find Lucy, but Paul’s room is dark. Carter spots something on the floor – one of Yosh’s valentines – and when he straightens up after grabbing it, Paul appears behind him in a dark corner. He sneaks up behind Carter and thrusts something into his back. Carter touches the spot and his hand comes away bloody.
He leans on a supply tray to try to keep his balance, but it collapses and he falls to the floor. He calls for help but the music drowns him out. Carter clutches his back and tries to get up, but he’s too weak. He looks across the room and sees that he’s not alone. Lucy is also on the floor, bleeding. They both lose consciousness.
Thoughts: Paul is played by David Krumholtz. Robbie is played by the late Anton Yelchin.
Laura Innes directed this episode, which is probably why she’s not in it.
To me, this is the most memorable episode of the series. When I think of ER, this is the episode I think of. I still remember how shocking the ending was when it first aired.
There’s discussion later about who’s to blame for what happened with Paul. Carter absolutely dropped the ball by not getting more involved in the case, but ultimately I blame the psych department. It shouldn’t take three phone calls to get them to the ER.
Who came up with the dog plot? I want to have a word with you.
May 8, 2018
ER 1.16, Make of Two Hearts: Be My Valentine, Woman I Yelled at Two Weeks Ago
Malik and Jerry’s faces are great here
Summary: Jerry plays She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not while Wendy decorates the front desk for Valentine’s Day. A woman named Mrs. Hall comes in with her daughter, Tatiana, wanting Doug to check her over. Tatiana doesn’t speak much English; Mrs. Hall adopted her from Russia just ten days earlier. Doug assures her that they’ll take good care of the girl. Susan teases Carter, who’s received lot of cards for Valentine’s Day.
Officer Al brings in a patient in a blanket, begging for help. Meanwhile, Carol sees Mrs. Hall leaving. Mark, Susan, and Carter lead a team taking care of Al’s patient, but the work stops when Benton arrives and learns that the patient is a dog. Al asks him to keep trying to save the pooch, but Benton only takes care of humans. Susan looks up animal anatomy while Carter gives the dog CPR. Mark intubates, and a chest x-ray shows that the dog has a collapsed lung. I wonder how much that x-ray cost the taxpayers of Chicago. Once the dog has been stabilized, Al kisses Lydia in celebration.
Carol has discovered that the now-missing Mrs. Hall gave them a fake phone number. It looks like she’s abandoned her new daughter in the hospital. Since Carol’s mother is Russian (I thought she was Ukrainian?), Carol speaks a little of the language and is able to have a brief conversation with Tatiana. Tatiana’s English seems to begin and end with “okay,” but they’re still able to communicate.
Mark’s cranky because of a crick in his neck, which he got from sleeping on the couch last night, because he and Jen aren’t getting along. He tells Susan that he’d be in an even worse mood if the dog had died. Doug tells Mark he’s working that night, as he always does on Valentine’s Day, so he doesn’t have to worry about “dating conflicts.” This means he’s available to tend to a 17-year-old whose legs were crushed in a train accident.
Carol doesn’t want Tatiana to have to stay in a room by herself, so she’s moved to a bed next to the dog, which has been dubbed Bill. Susan then pulls Carol away to help her with some cheerleaders who took acid. Their buddy Kirk thinks it’s funny. He put LSD in a box of chocolates but made sure the three girls only ate two each. Susan will be reporting this to the police and Kirk’s parents.
Doug asks Benton about some flowers and chocolates in the lounge that belong to him. Benton says they’re for a pediatrician he’s been dating. The train victim, Michael, comes in and has a seizure while the doctors are working on him. Wendy’s holding his hand at the time and winds up in pain. Chen checks in on the cheerleaders, who are mesmerized by a heart monitor. Kirk is napping, so he isn’t able to stop Chen from taking a couple of chocolates from his box.
Kayson comes by with flowers and a request for Susan to be his valentine. She doesn’t know how to respond. Mark complains that Bill will be sticking around until Al is off duty and can take him home. Tatiana sure isn’t complaining, though. The effects of the LSD make Chen find something fascinating about a blank wall. She tells Carter she’s “very okay.”
Doug and Carol tell a social worker that Tatiana appears to have been abandoned. The social worker tells them that they’ll have to send her to a foster home. Kayson is about to be released after his heart attack, which has changed his outlook on life. He thinks every cardiologist should have to have one. He also thinks Susan should go into the field; he’d love to mentor her. Susan would rather be anywhere but there, so I don’t think she’s going to accept Kayson’s dinner invitation.
Mark examines Wendy, who’s about as high on Demerol as Chen is on acid. Sadly, her injury was for nothing, as Michael died in the OR. Carol is upset about Tatiana’s abandonment, so Mark tries to distract her with a trauma. A man named Lorenzo has a meat hook embedded in his arm, courtesy of his son, Paulie. They had a fight after Paulie said something insulting about his mother. To his credit, Lorenzo’s worried about Paulie, who’s in worse shape than he is. His meat hook is in his chest.
Tatiana watches through a window as Mark and Carol try to shock Paulie’s heart back into rhythm. Carol finally realizes that Tatiana’s being exposed to something traumatic, and runs over to comfort her. Paulie doesn’t make it, so happy Valentine’s Day to Lorenzo and his wife. But Mark cheers up a little when he sees Doug wrangling a bunch of kids who are dressed up like candy hearts.
Doug asks Benton about his flowers and candy again; this time Benton says they’re for his mother. Chen wanders in, asking where exam 1 is, which makes Benton suspicious of her behavior. Carol checks on Tatiana, who’s been hanging out with Carter and Bill. She thinks the girl and the dog are good companions for each other since neither knows what’s going on. Carter tries to stay optimistic that Tatiana’s mother will come back for her.
Chen goes to the wrong exam room, having a moment of confusion when she sees Doug’s little heart girls dancing around. Then she goes to exam 1 to put a cast on Wendy’s hand. Wendy doesn’t think that’s a good idea. An elderly man named Ed is brought in after passing out and almost drowning in a hot tub. His two girlfriends are concerned about him. Tatiana has a high fever, and Carol wishes she knew more Russian so she could talk to her.
Jerry sends Benton to tend to a senile 85-year-old woman. Jake comes in with a stomachache, and Doug quickly starts examining him. Mark teases Susan a little about Kayson’s sudden affection for her. She tells him she turned down his dinner invitation, claiming she had plans with Mark. Then comes the kicker: Kayson is married.
Carol chats with Jake while Doug talks to Diane nearby. Diane’s sure that her son is faking his illness; he wants an excuse to be around Doug so Diane will have to spend time with him, too. Carol confirms that Jake is faking. Unfortunately, Tatiana really is sick – she has both pneumonia and AIDS. Benton’s senile patient, Mrs. Hayden, thinks she’s supposed to be cleaning her husband’s military uniform, though she can’t find any starch. Benton, who of course has experience with this sort of situation because of his mother, is very patient with her and even accepts when she offers to iron his uniform.
Carol’s furious that Tatiana’s mother abandoned her when she’s sick; no foster family is going to want to take her in. Doug says that the situation is what it is, so they just have to deal with it. Carol laments that they barely get to know their patients before treating them and sending them home. In this instance, Tatiana doesn’t have a home to go to. Carol goes to see the girl, who’s asleep, and says she’s sorry that Tatiana is going through so much upheaval. She’s glad Tatiana doesn’t understand what’s going on.
Mark’s next patient, Mrs. Goodwin, had an allergic reaction to shellfish that somehow made its way into her Valentine’s dinner. He and Susan stabilize her, but as they’re leaving her with the nurses, she starts bleeding. Susan thinks she perforated Mrs. Goodwin’s esophagus, but Mark says the complication wasn’t her fault. They determine that the woman has varices, which Susan guesses are from alcoholism. Once the patient is stable for real, Mark compliments Susan for making the diagnosis.
Now off-duty, Mark tries to convince Susan to go do something with him so her story to Kayson about her plans won’t be a lie. Carol spots Mrs. Hall in the hall (…heh) and coolly tells her that Tatiana can’t go home tonight. In fact, Carol doesn’t think Mrs. Hall will ever be able to take her home. Mrs. Hall admits that she doesn’t want to. Benton finds Mrs. Hayden ironing something with a tissue box and comments that she must have found the starch after all.
Mrs. Hall tells Carol that Tatiana was just diagnosed with AIDS last week. Mr. Hall died a few years ago, and Mrs. Hall never allowed herself to feel the loss until Tatiana’s diagnosis. She doesn’t want to let herself get close to someone else she’s just going to lose. She’s making the abandonment final by bringing Tatiana’s things to her. Carol reminds her how to say goodbye in Russian, but Mrs. Hall doesn’t bother to say it to her so-called daughter.
Benton goes home, where his mother has fallen asleep in front of an old movie. Mark and Susan go ice skating and discuss Morgenstern’s offer of an attending position for Mark. Jen still isn’t supportive, and Mark doesn’t want to think about having to make a decision right now. Back at the hospital, Jerry and Malik stare at Chen while she licks icing off a cupcake. Carter sees the cast Chen gave Wendy and cracks up. Tatiana has to say dosvedanya to Bill, who gets to go home with Al. But it looks like Carol is prepared to spend the night sitting with her.
Thoughts: I wouldn’t worry too much about Tatiana. She grows up to be Lily from those AT&T commercials.
One of my least favorite things about this series is when they take care of animals. Romano, I’m looking at you and your dog.
Enjoy Hell, Mrs. Hall. I’ll take the girl and the dog.
December 5, 2017
SVT #114, The Boyfriend Mess: You’re 12! Stop Worrying About Love!
Scrunchie sighting!
Summary: The couples from Young Love have gathered for their prize trip to Dizzy Planet. No one’s happy (except for totally-in-the-dark Todd, who thinks he’s going with Elizabeth, and Maria, who doesn’t mind spending the day with Patrick), since no one has matched with the person they wanted to be with. But if they want their Valentine’s Day dance, they have to fulfill their contractual obligations. No one seems to remember that they’ve all been wanting to go to Dizzy Planet, so hanging out with people they may not like is a small price to pay.
Jessica wants to get Todd carsick so she can ditch him and hang out with Byron. The plan backfires, and instead Byron ends up carsick. Byron’s cousin Marshall (well, he says he’s Byron’s cousin, but he sounds kind of uncertain) is tagging along, and he and Maria hit it off right away. Now she’s not quite as thrilled about having to spend the day with Patrick when she could be spending it with Marshall.
Sophia learns that the show is trying to catch “cheaters,” and she worries that she and Patrick will get busted for trying to rig their match. She takes a bus to Dizzy Planet but can’t afford the entrance fee. She manages to sneak in with a group of kids from a daycare by pretending to be a chaperone. Elizabeth also learns about the hunt for cheaters and accidentally stumbles into a way to enter the park without paying – Byron mistakes her for Jessica and brings her in. He also gives her a shirt from the show, so now the twins are accidentally dressed alike.
While the girls search the park for Patrick and Jessica, Maria tries to get some alone time with Marshall. For some reason, these 12-year-olds are willing to admit that they want to ride a carousel. Todd wants to win Elizabeth (really Jessica) a teddy bear by playing some sort of bowling game, but the bear costs 100 tickets and Todd isn’t very good at the game. Jessica’s getting more and more bored by the second.
Liz finds her sister and asks to undo their twin switch so she can hang out with Todd. Jessica jumps at the chance to go find Byron and spend the day with him instead. But she also has to make sure he doesn’t see Todd with Elizabeth and bust the twins for their scheme. The twins and their guys end up on the same water ride, and Jess has to fall overboard to distract Byron from seeing Liz and Todd together. Meanwhile, Liz herself is so distracted by the scheme that Todd thinks she’s lost interest in him and takes off alone.
Sophia finds Patrick and shares her theory that Marshall was sent to spy on him. She thinks Patrick can fool him by pretending he really wants to be with Maria. Patrick takes it too far, though, and Maria blasts him for showering her with affection right in front of Sophia. Good for Maria for being all sisters before misters here. Patrick explains what’s going on to Maria, but now she thinks Marshall was just being nice to her because he was sent to spy on her. Her and Sophia’s day have been ruined.
When it’s time for everyone to leave the park, Maria doesn’t get on the van with everyone else. Apparently this is a violation of the contract, and if she doesn’t come home with everyone else, they have to forfeit the dance. The people there with the show find this amusing, apparently forgetting that they’ll have to tell Maria’s parents that they lost her.
Amy tracks down Maria, who’s moping because she thinks everyone in Sweet Valley is awful. Amy reminds her that she has friends, then encourages her to get in the van because if she loses the dance for everyone, they’ll be even more awful to her. So Maria secures the dance for her classmates, but then Byron, who says he’s suspected the twin switch all day, tricks “Elizabeth” into outing herself as Jessica. He doesn’t care, though, since the same twin who came in the morning is going home with the group. And at least now Todd knows why “Elizabeth” was acting so weird all day.
Everyone goes to the dance, where Byron reveals that he’s been filming them all day for a new show about the negative side of dating. They were only looking for “cheaters” so they could feature them on the new show. Byron waxes poetic about love, and how it can be tough, and blah blah blah, they’re 12, dude. They’re all going to break up next week for stupid reasons.
Elizabeth and Sophia are busted for their scheming, but they don’t get in trouble, so it doesn’t matter. Everyone ends up with his or her preferred partner, including Maria, who learns that Marshall, while not a spy, is really Byron’s nephew. (His sister is a lot older and had a child just a few years after Byron was born. They find it easier to say they’re cousins than to explain their real relationship. No one cares.)
In other news, Janet and Donald wound up having a great day together and are now practically BFFs. Who knew?
Thoughts: The kids seem to think that enjoying their time together is part of the deal for the party, but there’s no way that’s enforceable. Plus, the odds are pretty low that all those couples who were paired off because one of them liked three answers the other gave to random questions would be 100% compatible.
One of the women from the show, when Maria doesn’t show up to the van: “You don’t like it, blame her. Tear her apart Monday morning when she gets to school. Or poison her milk.” LADY. You should not be allowed around children.
Maria is suddenly insecure about what people think of her. It’s really out of character for her.
Marshall calls the SVMS kids “the losingest bunch of stuck-up dorks I’ve ever met.” He’s not wrong.
September 5, 2017
SVT #104, Big Brother’s in Love Again: More Like Big Bother
This is perfect
Summary: Steven has been happily dating Cathy for a while now, but when Joe starts talking about how being single allows him to date multiple girls, Steven starts to regret tying himself down (his words, not mine). Cathy probably has the same regrets when he starts acting jerky, making decisions about the movie they’re seeing and not sharing his popcorn with her. Some popular guys are at the movie theater, and Steven is pumped when a senior named Richard Ferris says hi to him. He’s so pumped that he ditches Cathy and sits with Ferris and his friends. He figures Cathy’s fine because some friends have joined her.
Jill Hale is also hanging out with the popular kids, and Steven’s crush on her suddenly returns. Cathy and her friends leave (we find out later that they went to another movie), so Steven is alone when Ferris invites him to come get pizza with the popular guys. Jill isn’t interested, so Steven invites her to get burgers and go roller-skating. Everyone thinks Steven is dating Cathy, but he says they’re just friends. Not great friends, apparently, since he ditches her twice, once during the movie and then afterwards to go off with Jill. I hope she got another ride home.
At the Dairi Burger, Jill orders a salad and water. Because she’s a girl, you know. Steven decides he’s too good of a guy to cheat on Cathy, so he calls her and breaks up with her over the phone. Cathy barely responds, so I’m guessing that she’s mad enough to realize she’s better off without him. Steven is ready to have some alone time with Jill, but she turns out to be incredibly vapid. At this point, this is exactly what Steven deserves, but he doesn’t get that yet.
Steven and Jill go skating and run into Cathy, who’s come with her friends and doesn’t look the least bit upset about being dumped minutes earlier. Steven thinks she’s masking her pain over their breakup. He “apologizes” to her, saying that he wishes there were two of him so Cathy wouldn’t have to suffer being without him. He basically says that the breakup hurts him as much as it hurts her. Cathy again barely responds, because she is a normal human being, unlike this weird alien who’s just done her the favor of dumping her.
Joe learns of Steven and Cathy’s breakup and asks Steven if he can go out with Cathy. Steven doesn’t think Cathy will return his affections, so he gives his blessing. He goes out with Jill, who continues to be superficial and uninteresting. He starts to doubt his decision to choose her over Cathy, but stops immediately when the popular guys show up. He’d rather be bored with Jill and get the approval of the popular guys than be “tied down” to Cathy.
When Steven sees Cathy and Joe together at school, he still thinks Cathy is just trying to ease her pain over their breakup. He goes to her house after school to tell her he’ll take her to an upcoming Valentine’s Day street dance, since he’d promised to, and I guess he still thinks he’s noble and respectable enough to keep his word. Cathy tells him she already has a date – Joe. Steven’s hurt and tries to get sympathy from the twins, who point out that he caused all his own problems by breaking up with Cathy.
Steven makes a deal with the twins to help them get dates to the dance (more on that in the B-plot) if they help him get back together with Cathy. Their plan involves running into Cathy downtown, and Steven pretending to comfort Jessica over something so Cathy can see what a compassionate, wonderful person he is. But the twins love Cathy and are angry with their brother for the way he’s been treating her, so instead they make him look like even more of a jerk in front of Cathy.
Things get even worse for Steven (but still not as bad as he deserves) when he sees Jill hanging out with Ferris. He mopes about how horrible things are going for him, as if he didn’t put everything in motion. Joe tells him how great things are going with Cathy, and how he’s changed his mind about not wanting to be a one-woman man. Steven lies that Cathy tried to get back together with him. Steven is seriously the hugest jerk in this book, and I hoped it would end with people throwing rotting produce at him.
Joe gets mad about Steven’s claims and goes off to break up with Cathy. Then Jill calls to tell Steven that she’s going to the dance with Ferris, who happens to be her ex. Steven realizes that she was just hanging out with him to make Ferris jealous. He has the nerve to be upset, as if he wasn’t using Jill to get access to the popular crowd. Steven’s whole life has fallen apart (couldn’t happen to a nicer guy), so he makes a new deal with the twins: He’ll get them dates to the dance if they help him get Joe and Cathy back together.
The twins accept, and Steven fulfills his end of the deal, but he learns that they didn’t – Joe and Cathy haven’t reunited. At the dance, Joe’s band plays Steven and Cathy’s song, as requested by the twins and dedicated to the former couple. Cathy asks Steven to dance and reveals that she and Joe were never really dating. They just wanted to make Steven jealous. Somehow, she thinks the experience has made Steven realize that other people have feelings and he needs to respect them. You know, like everyone else learns in kindergarten. For some reason, Cathy wants to get back together. That poor girl.
In the B-plot, the twins are upset that Todd and Aaron are going to an away basketball game and won’t be able to take them to the street dance. The girls think their guys should care more about Valentine’s Day. Jessica learns that one of Steven’s classmates, Pete, has two cousins visiting, and without knowing what they’re like or seeing them for more than a couple seconds, Jessica wants them. She decides to keep their visit quiet so no other girls can call dibs first. She convinces Elizabeth to help her meet the cousins so they can have two cool dates to the dance.
Because they’re 12-year-olds and don’t know how to behave like normal people, the girls stalk the cousins by hiding in the bushes outside their house. They figure eventually the boys will leave the house and the twins can pretend to just be passing by. Janet catches them, and Jessica gets her to leave by telling her that Janet’s crush, Denny, is on his way to the Dairi Burger with another girl. Then the twins learn that the cousins are already at the Dairi Burger.
They rush over and distract Janet from seeing the cousins by telling her that there are roaches in the food, so she has to keep Denny from eating anything. While they’re there, Elizabeth sees the cousins for the first time and agrees that she and Jess are doing the right thing by trying to claim them, because the boys are hot. They lock Janet in a bathroom, but this keeps them from being able to talk to the boys.
The girls go a-stalking again, and Jess has the brilliant idea to try to get them to leave the house by yelling, “Fire!” The boys aren’t home, and everyone in the neighborhood is confused. Even though they’ve never so much as spoken to these guys, Jessica decides to tell everyone that she and Liz have hot dates to the dance. Janet calls her bluff and suggests a bet. If Jess and Liz do show up with hot dates, Janet will tell everyone at the dance that Joe’s band is better than Johnny Buck’s. If the twins are lying, they have to come to the dance dressed alike and dance every dance together.
Jessica’s desperate now, so she actually calls up Pete and asks to talk to either of his cousins. Pete couldn’t care less about helping a bunch of middle-schoolers make love connections, and he refuses. The twins next go to his house and pretend they’re polling boys, in hopes that Pete’s mom will bring one of them to the door. She tells them the boys have already gone home.
As mentioned above, Steven offers to get the twins dates with the cousins if they’ll help him get back together with Cathy. Since the twins know that the cousins are gone, they don’t bother helping him out. They’re unable to find other dates, so when Steven presents his second deal to get them dates, they accept. Steven is able to convince Todd and Aaron to skip the basketball game and take the twins to the dance. Apparently they count in the twins’ bet with Janet, so she has to tell everyone at the dance that Joe’s band is better than the Buckster’s. Everyone ends the book happy (except Janet, I guess).
Thoughts: I need the ghostwriters to stop inserting “like” and “you know” into so much of the dialogue. It’s, you know, like, really annoying.
Jessica: “You can give a jerk a shower and put him into a clean T-shirt. But it doesn’t change his essential jerkiness.” Truer words were never spoken.
Please keep in mind that when Steven tries to get Cathy back, he’s still dating Jill. Even when he tries to fix a jerk move, he’s still a jerk.
“Through absolutely no fault of his own, he’d lost two girlfriends even though he was one of the coolest dudes he had personally ever met.” Steven needs a psychiatrist.
“In his mind he ticked off the people he’d managed to hurt or let down. Cathy, Joe, the twins. And most of all, himself.” Excuse me? How did Steven hurt himself more than Cathy? This guy is a mess.
March 21, 2017
SVT Super Edition #5, Lila’s Secret Valentine: Pretty Little Liar
Ugh, bunny ears. 12-year-old boys are exhausting
Summary: The Boosters want to raise money to hire a professional photographer for an upcoming Valentine’s Day dance, so they sell personalized cheers. For $2, they’ll give a shout-out to your crush or significant other in a cheer. For $4, they’ll create a brand-new cheer all about that person. Admittedly, this is pretty creative. But the Boosters aren’t going to spend so much time on this project that it takes away from their mission to find dates to the dance.
Lila is sure that Jake Hamilton, who’s practically her boyfriend, will ask her, so she’s crushed when he buys a cheer for Brooke Dennis. To save face, she tells her friends that she dumped Jake last week, so she’s not bothered. Besides, she’s already seeing a new guy, eighth-grader Gray Williams, who goes to a private school. Lila is so convincing when she describes him that no one catches on that he’s completely made up.
Lila figures she’ll just “break up” with Gray in a few days and her friends will never know the truth. But when the Unicorns come over and see some freshly cut flowers, they guess that they’re from Gray, and Lila plays along. She loves the attention too much to tell the truth now. Plus, she doesn’t want to admit that she’s single and Jake isn’t interested.
The ending of the book becomes clear early on, when Lila meets the Fowlers’ gardener’s grandson, Justin. She’s a jerk to him, but he’s hot for her. Justin, get some self-respect, man. Anyone over the age of five can figure out that Justin will eventually pretend to be Gray. But Lila hasn’t thought that far ahead, and is focused on having a hot date for the dance. She meets a guy at Casey’s, but the Unicorns chase him away, telling him that Lila’s spoken for.
Lila decides to fake a break-up, using an onion to make herself cry when she tells her friends that she and Gray had a huge fight after she forgot his birthday. The Unicorns secretly get him a cake and plan to take it to his school and tell him how sorry Lila is. To keep them from discovering that Gray doesn’t exist, Lila pretends that he called her at school and they’ve already made up. The Unicorns are gullible enough to buy this.
Just as Lila’s about to suck it up and come clean, Janet reveals that Sarah Thomas has been lying about her boyfriend. She said she was dating a ninth-grader, but she’s really seeing a seventh-grader. Now Lila can’t risk confessing her lies and being mocked by her friends. She confides in Justin, who quickly comes up with a solution but doesn’t get the chance to share it with Lila.
Lila’s next plan is to fake appendicitis (inspired by a teacher who just had it) so she has an excuse not to go to the dance. Most girls would just fake a cold or the flu, but not our Lila. She has to go all-out. She’s about to collapse at school when attention shifts to Jessica (more on that in the C-plot), so she misses her chance. Lila then tries to convince her housekeeper that she’s too sick to go to the dance, but she makes the classic fake-illness mistake of keeping the thermometer on the lightbulb too long, so her supposed super-high fever isn’t believable. Plus, Mr. Fowler is going to be one of the chaperones at the dance, and Lila knows she’d disappoint him by missing it. (By the way, Mr. Fowler is pretty awesome in this book, and clearly loves Lila a lot, despite never spending time with her.)
At the dance, Lila makes various excuses for why Gray isn’t with her – he’s running late, he’s getting refreshments, he’s talking to a friend across the room, etc. The Unicorns want to celebrate the new relationship by giving Lila and Gray a spotlight dance. When the spotlight falls on Lila and Gray is nowhere in sight, the Unicorns start to figure out that she was lying about him the whole time. But then! Justin arrives, pretending to be Gray, and saves Lila’s reputation. I would find it sweet, but Justin’s affection for a girl who treats him like dirt is just sad.
In the B-plot, Elizabeth and her fellow Sixers staff are publishing “lovegrams” to make some money. For a little extra, you can hire one of them to write a special Valentine’s message to your crush/significant other. Elizabeth gets really into it, going along the lines of “I burn, I pine, I perish!” On a roll, she decides to write Todd a passionate poem for Valentine’s Day. She thinks it’s more romantic to leave it unsigned, and she’s sure Todd will know it’s from her.
Todd, however, is a dolt and thinks he has a secret admirer. He becomes obsessed with finding out who wrote him a love poem. He’s so sure it wasn’t Liz that he breaks up with her. She turns her sadness and rage into super-passionate lovegrams, which disturb the buyers a little bit. Like, they want to tell girls they like hanging out with them, not pledge their undying love. Mandy Miller’s like, “I want this guy to think I’m nice, not that I want to elope.” It takes a little while, but Liz does get the hint.
Todd starts thinking that any girl who’s ever been nice to him could be his secret admirer. Brooke asked to borrow some money, so she must be in love with him! Maria smiled at him, so she must be hot for him! I fear for Todd’s ability to read signals when he’s older. Meanwhile, Elizabeth has become an object of affection for many guys at SVMS, now that she’s back on the market, and even Bruce wants to take her to the dance. Todd’s upset about this, and eventually realizes that any girl who might want him can’t be nearly as awesome as Elizabeth. He needs to make up with her and get back together.
At the dance, Todd tries to apologize with flowers and candy, but Liz is slow to warm up to him. I don’t blame her. When it comes out that she wrote the poem, she has to laugh at his failure to realize who it was from. I guess it’s a little funny that he dumped her for the poet, who turned out to be her all along, but it was also a jerk move.
The C-plot is that Jessica wants Aaron to ask her to the dance, but he keeps hanging out with and talking to Elizabeth. Jess decides to call him out in the cafeteria, while the Boosters are performing their Valentine’s cheers. But just as she’s about to call him a snake in front of everyone, the Boosters perform a special cheer Aaron commissioned for Jess. (You have to read it – see below.) All is forgiven when Aaron explains that he was only talking to Elizabeth to get help with the cheer. Jess is definitely his preferred twin.
Thoughts: This is almost exactly the plot of Love Letters, just for the middle-school set.
Amy thinks Elizabeth should get Todd a stuffed animal for Valentine’s Day. Amy, stop helping.
Lila: “[Gray] threatened to do something drastic if I didn’t immediately break up with Jake and go out with him instead.” Tamara: “Oh, Lila, how romantic.” OH, GIRLS, NO.
Lila’s outfit for the dance: “The top was a sophisticated black velvet bodysuit. Displayed with it were long hiphuggers with huge bells at the bottom.” OH, GIRL, NO.
Here’s Aaron’s cheer, in all its…well, glory certainly isn’t the right word:
“Oh Jessica, oh Jessica,
You make my heart beat fast.
You’ve always been the twin for me,
From first until the last.
I love the way you chew your gum,
Right in our science class.
Around you I am never glum,
Not even when you sass.
Your long blond hair is like the sun,
Your eyes are like the sky.
With you I have terrific fun,
I’ll never make you cry.
You take a joke just like a boy,
You look just like a girl.
I’d follow you to Illinois,
Or all around the world.
I can’t compete with Johnny Buck,
He sure gives me a blister.
And now I find, with just my luck,
You think I like your sister.
But Jessica, you must believe,
There is no other one.
I’d like to take you out tonight,
In order to have fun.
Please say you’ll be my date tonight,
I’ll bring you one red rose.
There’s no way I’ll be late tonight,
Or step upon your toes.
Be my Valentine, Jessica! Love Aaron! Yay!”
December 27, 2016
SVT #76, Yours for a Day: Indentured Servitude Has Never Been So Romantic
I can’t believe the Unicorns let Mandy wear this outfit in public
Summary: Valentine’s Day is approaching, as is a Valentine’s Day dance at SVMS. The Unicorns (spurred on by Mandy) are organizing a fundraiser for the local children’s hospital (appropriately named Children’s Hospital) in which students can hire a personal servant for a day or two. Ellen wants to call it Yours for a Day, but the other girls say that’s dumb since the fundraiser takes place over two days. But that’s what the book is called, so I guess Ellen wins in the end. Anyway, for $5 you can hire someone for a day, and for $10 you get someone over two days. The “servants” don’t have to pay, but they also don’t get compensated, so servants are just volunteering out of the kindness of their hearts.
Mandy has a crush on a guy named Peter Jeffries, but she’s too nervous to ask him to the dance. When she calls to talk to him, she just hangs up the phone. Oh, Mandy, we’ve all been there. She also can barely speak to Peter when he comes by the Unicorns’ table to sign up to be a servant. Jessica realizes that if Peter and Mandy (who will be a master) get paired up, she can order him to take her to the dance. How romantic.
At the drawing, Mandy winds up as Jessica’s servant, which Jess is thrilled about. Not only is she paired with a friend (the other girls were worried about being paired with people they don’t like), but she can order Mandy to ask Peter to the dance. The drawback here is that the Unicorns are working as both servants and masters, and Jess winds up as Lloyd Benson’s servant. Lila’s working for Peter, and Janet’s working for Winston. Ha ha!
Lloyd’s annoyed with Jessica for the earthquake stuff in the last book, so he makes her do lots of stuff for him. If Jess were really smart, she would have Mandy do it for her. Instead, she tells Mandy that her only task is to ask Peter to the dance. Mandy manages to pull herself together and do it…but Peter already has a date to the dance. Aw, Mandy. At least he’s nice about having to turn her down.
Still, Mandy feels humiliated and gets mad at Jessica. She gets a little pleasure out of watching Jessica do dumb things on Lloyd’s orders, like eat gross cafeteria food and help him with science experiments. Aaron feels bad for Jess and tries to think of a way to get her switched to him so Lloyd can’t mess with her anymore. Elizabeth correctly guesses that Lloyd won’t agree to a switch since he’s eager to get revenge on Jessica.
Jessica is also hoping to switch, and she even asks Elizabeth to be Lloyd’s servant. Liz balks, but since Jess rigged the drawing for her and Amy (see the B-plot), she eventually agrees. But Lila and Mandy, scheming against Jessica, pull their own switch. Jessica was supposed to work for Belinda, so the girls get Belinda to switch servants with Mandy, making Jessica serve Mandy instead. In the meantime, Aaron convinces Lloyd to switch with him, thinking he’d get Jessica. Now he has Elizabeth as a servant.
The usually-not-vindictive Mandy makes Jessica sing “Feelings” in the cafeteria so she’ll be humiliated like she inadvertently humiliated Mandy. The song makes Grace Oliver cry, but not from horribleness. She and Winston had been going out, or whatever the 12-year-old equivalent of that is, but they had a huge fight and aren’t speaking. Grace asked Peter to the dance, but now she wants to make up with Winston and go with him. Jessica realizes that she has the opportunity to make everyone happy.
She goes to Lloyd, who’s Grace’s master for the day, and gets him to switch servants with Winston. Winston thinks he’s getting Jessica as a servant, but he’s getting Grace. They quickly make up and will be going to the dance together. Half of Jess’ plan is a success, even though the switch means Lloyd will be Janet’s master.
Jessica tries to negotiate with Lila to get her to make Peter, her new servant, ask Mandy to the dance. Lila wants too much in return, so Jess just calls Peter on her own. But it turns out that her work is done, and Mandy and Peter have already decided to go to the dance together. Once Peter learned that Grace was going with Winston, he asked Mandy, the person he’d wanted to go with in the first place. He wasn’t sure Mandy liked him, but once Jessica made her ask him to the dance, he realized she did. So Jess’ meddling helped a couple get together!
The new couple has a great time at the dance, and the master/servant fundraiser makes $800 for the hospital. Jessica’s the only one who’s not happy at the end, since Janet makes Lloyd a certificate entitling him to another day of servitude from Jessica. I guess it’s a small price to pay for a successful fundraiser.
In the B-plot, Elizabeth and Amy are annoyed with Todd and Ken, who are just acting like typical preteen boys. They play a prank on the boys, getting them to eat mayo instead of vanilla pudding. They think this makes them even, especially when the guys send the girls on a scavenger hunt for what the girls think will be invitations to the dance. They get the invitations, but they also get drenched with cold water. The girls decide they need more revenge.
Elizabeth and Amy get Jessica to rig the master/servant drawing so Todd will be Liz’s servant and Ken will be Amy’s. Then they make the guys do things like wear embarrassing ties, walk on their hands in the cafeteria, and give the wrong answers in class. The guys handle things well, and still want to take the girls to the dance. They’re even going to get them corsages. The girls think they’ve learned their lesson and are going to be gentlemen from now on.
On Valentine’s Day, the girls spend most of the dance sneezing. They figure out that the guys got one last revenge by putting sneezing powder in their corsages. The girls get revenge right back by making them sing “Feelings” in front of everyone. I guess this evens things up, as the pranks stop. The girls were definitely winning that war anyway.
Thoughts: Grace is in a lot more books than I remembered. I really didn’t think she was ever mentioned again after The Big Camp Secret.
I can’t believe Amy and Elizabeth didn’t think the guys might try to get them back after everything they had to do as servants. I would expect Elizabeth to be smarter than that.
“Daddy would give more, but he already donated a whole wing to the hospital, and he didn’t want to overdo it.” Oh, of course not. There’s such a thing as helping too many sick children.
October 4, 2016
SVT #66, The Great Boyfriend Switch: Middle-School Relationship Drama Is the Worst
Everyone looks fine except Amy (what else is new?)
Summary: Believe it or not, but even though it seemed like there was a dance in every SVH book, the SVT crew has yet to have one. Their first is coming up, and the girls are worried that the boys will be their usual annoying, immature selves. New girl Veronica Brooks would be especially disappointed if that happened. You see, at Veronica’s old school, the boys were all charming and intelligent and clearly alien life forms because there’s no such thing as a mature 12-year-old boy.
Todd asks Elizabeth to the dance, and Veronica’s totally jealous. Amy hopes Ken will ask her, since they’re basically dating, but Ken is an idiot in this book and doesn’t get that his sort-of girlfriend might want to do something girlfriend-y with him. When the Unicorns graciously hold an “open meeting,” which is basically a crash course on style, Amy attends so she can get some pointers on making herself girlier so Ken will want to take her to the dance. The Unicorns happily take on Amy as a project. I don’t know why they care whether a girl they don’t even like has a date with a guy they don’t like, but okay.
Amy wears some eye makeup to school, and I guess it’s a pretty bad application because Ken thinks she was in a fight. So did Amy try to do her own makeup, or did the Unicorns overdo it on purpose? Discuss. Either way, later Ken does ask her to the dance, but he’s really casual about it and doesn’t want it to seem like a date. Amy will take it. Meanwhile, Veronica’s mad that Elizabeth keeps outscoring her on tests, because at her old school, Veronica was the best student (and, I imagine, also the most popular and the prettiest and the best athlete and the best singer and…). Also, she likes Todd.
The night of the dance, a bunch of girls get ready together at the Wakefields’. Remember middle-school dances, you guys? My friends and I got ready together, too. Then when high school came around, we skipped all the dances except homecoming and prom because we realized how boring they were. Anyway, everyone has a date, and the guys all come by the house to pick up their girls, which is cute. Todd gives Elizabeth a heart-shaped locket with their pictures inside.
Even though Aaron is Jessica’s date to the dance, she accepts a dance with Bruce. One dance turns into many dances, and Aaron is effectively ditched. Then Veronica steals Todd away from Elizabeth, so Liz and Aaron are stuck on the sidelines, watching their dates with other people. Jessica and Bruce even kiss on the dance floor! Elizabeth tries to comfort Aaron by dancing with him, and they end up kissing, too. They’re outside, so at least they’re not giving the whole school a show…but Caroline Pearce sees them, so that event isn’t going to stay secret for long.
Indeed, by Monday morning, rumors are flying that Elizabeth and Aaron kissed. Todd confronts Elizabeth, who blasts him for spending so much of the dance with Veronica. He argues that he was just trying to be nice, like, one dance with her is nice enough, Todd. They end up having a big fight, as do Jessica and Aaron. Then Jess confronts her sister, and the two of them fight about Jess treating Aaron badly, and how Liz kissed her sister’s guy. No one comes off looking great.
Elizabeth and Aaron have lunch together, as do Todd and Veronica. It’s clear that they’re all trying to make each other jealous. Amy thinks everyone’s nuts. Jess starts hanging out with Bruce, who’s at his Bruceiest in this book. We always hear about how self-centered he is, and it’s really apparent here. He expects Jess to laugh at all his jokes, and for everyone to talk about how awesome he is. Ohhhhhh. Bruce is Donald Trump. I get it.
That night, Aaron calls the Wakefields’ house, and there’s a fun moment where Ned offers the phone to Jessica and is shocked when Aaron wants to talk to Elizabeth. He’s not much of a conversationalist on the phone, as most middle-school girls can confirm about their middle-school boyfriends. Bruce also calls Jessica, but again, he just wants to talk about himself, so she’s not as thrilled anymore about having a popular seventh-grader interested in her.
Jessica wants revenge on Elizabeth, and who better to help her than Liz’s new #1 enemy, Veronica? Veronica changes a bunch of answers on Elizabeth’s math homework so her grade will be lower than Veronica’s. She wants to read Liz’s diary, too, but Jessica doesn’t want to go that far. Instead, Veronica steals something from Elizabeth’s room, though Jess doesn’t see what it is. The next day, Elizabeth is shocked to learn that she failed her math homework. Veronica changed a lot more answers than Jessica expected, and Jess isn’t happy.
Also not happy: Amy, who’s trying a new look to attract Ken. The Unicorns give her a makeover, styling and dressing her like a hippie. Ken thinks she’s sticking it to Valentine’s Day (which is coming up) by acting like it’s Halloween instead. He still wants to go to Ellen’s Valentine’s Day party with her, though. Jess will be going with Bruce, and Liz is going with Aaron. But the twins have realized they want to get each other back together with their original boyfriends, and they’ve separately decided that the party is the place to do it. Neither twin realizes it, but they’ve both decided to pull a classic twin switch.
Liz also wants to make up with Todd, and thinks wearing her locket is a good way to indicate that, but she can’t find it. Then Veronica shows up to the party wearing one just like it. Amy sees her first and thinks this means Todd is moving on from Elizabeth. Jessica, meanwhile, is at the end of her rope with Bruce. He can’t believe she didn’t notice that he parted his hair on the left instead of the right! Bruce in this scene reminds me of Joey from 10 Things I Hate About You. Through all this, Amy and Ken are fighting because he thinks Valentine’s Day is dumb, and she doesn’t want to admit that she likes all the heart-shaped stuff at the party.
The twins quickly get to work on their switch, though they still have no idea that they’re both up to the same plot. “Jessica” makes up with Aaron pretty easily, but “Elizabeth” takes longer with Todd. He gets really awkward and clumsy when he sees “Elizabeth,” making Jessica think that he still likes her. Also, the only thing she can think of to talk to him about is books.
Amy tells “Elizabeth” that Todd gave Veronica a locket just like Liz’s, and Jessica realizes that it’s really Liz’s locket – that’s what Veronica stole from her room. “Elizabeth” calls Veronica out, and they end up in a little shoving match. Once it’s over, the twins switch back and make up with their boyfriends. (Also, they catch Amy and Ken making out.) Veronica, however, is angry (even though she ends up with Bruce), and she tells Jessica she’s going to get revenge. Hell hath no fury like a 12-year-old girl scorned.
Thoughts: Veronica: “At my old school, I was one of the in crowd. We were really wild. We didn’t just have geeky school dances – we had real kissing parties.” Wow. Wild.
The local drugstore has a soda fountain. What year is this?
“[The Unicorns are] all obsessed with this romance stuff. It’s like they’re always trying to get guys to say mushy things. That’s why I like hanging out with you, Amy. You never do stuff like that. It’s almost like being with another guy.” KEN. STOP TALKING.
“You still love to read. I love to read. We both love to read. That’s why we have so much in common.” You stop talking, too, Jessica.
December 5, 2015
BH90210 10.16, The Final Proof: Is Noah Really Worth a Million Dollars?
That looks uncomfortable
Summary: Dylan and Steve are hanging out at the Beverly Royale, planning to watch a basketball game together. Josie shows up to tell Dylan that she thinks Shane may have kidnapped Noah to try to force Dylan to bail him out with his drug dealer. He knows a lot about Dylan, including the fact that he has a goddaughter. Steve and Dylan head off to look for Noah, checking to make sure Maddy’s okay.
Over at the beach apartment, Matt tries to talk Kelly into appearing on a show called Lover’s Lane with him. It sounds like a Newlywed Game-type show, where couples answer questions about each other. Dylan and Steve call around, looking for Noah, but Kelly and David haven’t seen him. Steve and Dylan don’t mention that he might be in danger. They head to the After Dark and find Noah’s car with the keys still in it and the windshield busted.
Shane and his future codefendant have taken Noah to a warehouse/apartment to make a ransom video. If Shane doesn’t get his money from Dylan, Noah dies. Donna asks David to run the boutique the next day – Valentine’s Day – with Camille. He agrees, then asks for Donna’s advice on whether or not to get Camille a cashmere sweater. Donna thinks he should stick to a handmade card, like one he once gave her. Donna’s not looking forward to spending the holiday as Matt and Kelly’s fifth wheel.
Dylan meets up with Josie and warns that she’ll go to jail with her brother if she doesn’t provide some information. Dylan uses Josie’s phone to leave Shane a message to get in touch with him. Gina tells Donna that their father called her for the first time since Christmas and invited her to dinner. Donna thinks he waited until Felice was out of town to reach out. Gina’s annoyed that she’s being fit into his life. Donna reminds her that Dr. Martin is a great guy.
Kelly, Matt, and Janet watch Lover’s Lane, discussing the show’s trainwreck guests. Janet and Donna are excited to get Matt and Kelly ready for their appearance. Kelly gets on board when she learns how much money they could win. Gina has dinner with Dr. Martin, addressing her mother’s claim that it was his idea to keep her paternity quiet. Dr. Martin says it was Bobbi’s idea. Gina notes that he went along with it. She wishes she’d had a father to cheer her on at skating competitions. They discuss what she should call him, and he suggests John.
Shane finally calls Dylan and demands a million dollars for Noah’s return. He emails the ransom video (it’s in Quicktime, hee), in which Shane plays Russian roulette with his hostage. Later, Steve watches the video and urges Dylan to work with the cops. Dylan says he’s going to hand over the money without getting the authorities involved. Steve’s concerned that Dylan’s “superhero complex” will put someone in danger.
Kelly, Matt, Donna, and Janet head to Lover’s Lane, where the couple will be competing with an annoying couple who dressed alike. Kelly doesn’t feel well, and it seems like something other than nerves. Donna decides to take Kelly’s place, so there’s your Donna wackiness for the week. Shane leaves Noah alone with his coconspirator, who’s not as smart as Shane. The coconspirator agrees to turn up the TV, which allows Noah to try to free himself from the pipe he’s chained to.
Gina brings Dr. Martin some groceries, but she quickly realizes that she went shopping for someone whose tastes she’s not familiar with. Dr. Martin wants to work on their relationship, not realizing that his failure to reach out to her more has made her so upset. On Lover’s Lane, “Kelly” correctly answers a question about Matt and the real Kelly’s favorite place to have sex, other than the bedroom. Janet finds it very interesting that Donna knows the answer to a question like that, as well as details of a game Matt and Kelly play called Attorney-Client Privilege.
David and Camille hold down the fort at the boutique, where she gets a visit from a guy named Rick. While Camille chats with Rick, David rings up a customer who’s spending a lot of money on his girlfriend. The guy points out that he can’t just get her a card. David sees Rick give Camille a watch, then take her off somewhere. Matt’s final question is who Kelly’s best friend is. He names himself, which is definitely the wrong answer (it’s Donna, of course). They lose.
Dylan gets a million dollars together, then meets up with Josie, declining Steve’s offer to come along. Steve reminds him not to do anything stupid. As Josie takes Dylan to her car, she pulls a gun on him. Shane appears with his own gun, and the siblings force Dylan into a van. The ride home from Lover’s Lane is tense, and Kelly and Matt’s new breadmaker is no consolation. Matt would like to know if there’s anything Kelly hasn’t told people about their love life.
Shane and Josie ignore Dylan as he warns that Steve will call the police when he doesn’t get in touch, and they’ll get busted. Gina goes to the boutique looking for Donna but instead finds David trying to figure out the Camille/Rick situation. (They’ve now been gone for almost three hours.) Gina’s like, “Yeah, they’re probably hooking up somewhere.” She tells David to give Donna the message that she tried but failed, as she always does.
At the beach apartment, Kelly rants to Donna about how annoying Valentine’s Day is. Donna admits that Matt should be Kelly’s best friend, so he’s justified in being mad. Kelly calls Donna her “safety net.” Donna says she can confide in Kelly, but Kelly has a pretty great guy she can talk to now. Dr. Martin goes to see Gina and ask for a second chance. She tells him she hates calling him John, so he invites her to call him “Dad.” She tries it out and decides she likes it.
Josie and Shane take Dylan to the warehouse and chain him up with Noah. Shane has decided that he might as well go ahead and kill the guys, since he’s facing a lengthy prison sentence anyway. Camille returns to the boutique and explains that Rick is her ex, and he always tries to win her back with nice things on Valentine’s Day. She’d prefer simple, personal things, like the handmade card David decides to give her after all. He pretends he bought Camille’s present for Erin.
Donna calls Dr. Martin and learns that Gina’s been putting him through a workout. He suggests that both daughters have dinner with him for Valentine’s Day. Dylan and Noah manage to free themselves and overpower Shane’s coconspirator. Josie tries to talk Shane out of killing the guys, but he says they don’t have a choice.
As Shane’s gassing up the van, Josie notices Dylan rushing him and tries to warn him. Fighting ensues as the gas tank overflows. Josie gets everyone to stop by firing her gun into the air. But the gas is approaching her discarded cigarette, leading to a fire. Dylan subdues the kidnappers while Noah grabs the ransom money from the van just before it explodes.
Kelly apologizes to Matt for oversharing with Donna and not confiding in him more. She gives him one of her journals so he can know more about her. Matt returns it, wanting her to be able to keep some things to herself. Besides he’s not going to let her read his. Now it’s time for a game of Attorney-Client Privilege. As Dylan and Noah let Steve know they’re okay, Donna arrives at her parents’ house. Gina finds Dr. Martin unconscious on the floor, and the sisters rush to get their father medical attention.
Thoughts: Brian Austin Green directed this episode. Some of his shots aren’t that great.
Lover’s Lane is hosted by one Mr. Ryan “I Paid Good Money for These Frosted Tips” Seacrest.
No, show, don’t kill off the only really good character!
See, kids? Smoking really is dangerous.
June 13, 2015
BH90210 9.15, Beheading St. Valentine: Second Place Is the First Loser
YES! YES! YES!
Summary: Dylan surprises Gina at the house of a client (she’s a personal trainer), pretending he needs her because his drug cravings are really bad. He really just wants to have sex. At the Beverly Beat, Steve and David are “interviewing” models so they can publish photos of hot women in the paper. Janet hates the idea before she even finds out what it is.
Gina makes Dylan go for a run so he can fight his cravings in a way that doesn’t involve stripping in a stranger’s house. She takes him to her elementary school and complains about a girl who beat her in a skating competition. She hates coming in second. Noah’s planning an early Valentine’s Day date with Donna at the Bel Age, since he has to work on the actual holiday.
David asks Donna to go to his station manager’s Valentine’s party as his date; since he gives relationship advice, he needs to pretend he’s in an actual relationship. Donna objects, even though Noah did this exact thing with a woman and she was fine with it. Steve tans in the office, for some reason, and while Janet’s putting sunscreen on him, she notices a mole on his back that looks like Al Gore. She suggests that he see a doctor.
Donna finds the photos Gina and Noah took in the photo booth and confronts them over their closeness. Noah uses the drunk defense, like that makes it okay. At the boutique, Matt ambushes Kelly to tell her that Lauren has schizophrenia and has only recently been able to function. He never expected her to be that way again. He loves both women, and he doesn’t know what to do.
Lauren cooks breakfast for Matt while talking about how great it would be for a bunch of female singers to go on tour together. Matt gives her the good news about the Lilith Fair. Lauren forgets to actually toast the French toast, so she’s not completely recovered. She tells Matt that she lost her wedding ring, but he tells her it was taken from her when she was hospitalized, in case she used the diamond to hurt herself.
Steve sees a dermatologist who basically tells him he’s an idiot for not being more careful with sunscreen. Thanks, Doc! Noah accuses Gina of being happy that Donna’s upset about their pictures. Gina pretends she’s glad that the truth is out, and now she doesn’t have to keep Noah’s secret anymore. You know, that they slept together. (Which didn’t happen, but Noah doesn’t know that because he drank so much that he blacked out.)
Gina tries to spend time with Dylan, but he wants to take a night off so he can sleep. She starts to take off her shirt, asking him to beg her to spend the night with him. They’re in the After Dark parking lot in broad daylight, by the way. Nat, who does not get paid enough to have to deal with these insane people, narrowly misses catching Gina taking her bra off.
Kelly cleans her things out of Matt’s room at the Walshes’ house, asking him to tell her what he wants. He says he wants Lauren to be okay, but he also wants to be with Kelly. Noah brings flowers to the boutique to try to make up with Donna. She tells him she’s going to David’s party whether he likes it or not.
Steve’s potential health crisis has made him realize that he hasn’t done anything with his life. He’s worried that he’s ruined his chances with Janet. Kelly tells Dylan about the Matt situation, and how he said he loved her, but also said he loves Lauren. Dylan can sympathize with Matt for having to move on after losing his wife. Kelly wants Matt back. The next day, Kelly gets Matt’s Valentine’s Day gift, a keychain for the key he was going to give her.
Janet spends the night with Steve, who wants to do something important in case he doesn’t have another chance. She urges him to do something that will last a long time. David and Donna go to the party with the intention of pretending that they met at a poetry meeting and have only been dating for a few months. The station manager’s wife says they seem like they’ve known each other for years. They kiss for a picture, and clearly there are still some feelings there.
Kelly asks Matt to make a decision between her and Lauren already. He can’t. Steve hands out umbrellas as part of his promotion for the Beverly Beat‘s new bathing-suit-photo feature. He instructs everyone to strip and check each other for skin cancer. Janet’s like, “Good job? I guess?” After the party, David and Donna head to the After Dark, where they kiss in his car. They quickly decide they need to be around other people.
Inside, the trio Wild Orchid performs. Donna apologizes to Noah for thinking he’d done something with Gina (which, of course, he thinks he did). Steve’s doctor has the results of his biopsy, but Steve wants to wait until the next day to call him, so he can have what might be his last night of fun. He reminds Janet that she urged him to make something lasting, so how about a baby? “Not right now,” she foreshadows.
Gina and Dylan go out for a nice dinner, but he’d rather have sex than a nice conversation. He gets them kicked out with a loud performance of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” Lauren drops by the boutique to ask Kelly to let her have Matt. She’s lost three years of her life, and she has to rely on Kelly to get everything back. Neither woman finds the situation very fair.
Steve gets his results, which are negative. Janet wants to reward him with sex, but he’d rather hang out with the models from the Beverly Beat. Dylan tries to make out with Gina in a park, but a passerby thinks he’s assaulting her. Gina complains that Dylan only treats her as a sex object. If she doesn’t always do what he wants, she comes in second. She just wants to know that he cares about her.
Noah gets Wild Orchid to stay late at the club to play a special set for Donna. They dance, though Donna doesn’t like flaunting their relationship in front of David. Noah wonders why she changed her mind about the photos so easily. Donna, of course, doesn’t tell him that she can relate to being in a situation where you kiss someone you’re not with.
Later that night, at the beach apartment, Gina and Noah taunt each other, and she continues to claim that they almost hooked up. Meanwhile, David mopes alone at the After Dark, broadcasting his thoughts about Valentine’s Day on the radio. The holiday is nice for declaring your love, but for single people, it’s a reminder of what you don’t have. At the Walshes’, Kelly tells Matt that she’s taking herself out of the competition. Lauren wins, and Kelly comes in a distant second.
Thoughts: Wild Orchid contains two people from one of my favorite childhood shows, Kids Incorporated. Oh, and one of them is Fergie.
’90s music alert: Lit’s “My Own Worst Enemy.”
Janet needs a Steve-tervention. She deserves better.
Call me crazy, but maybe Gina would stop feeling like Dylan only sees her as a sex object if she did anything other than just have sex with him? Like, don’t take off your shirt in a parking lot and invite him to bed if you want to do something else?
'90s Flashback 