February 20, 2016
BH90210 10.27, Ode to Joy: And They All Lived Happily Ever After, or Something
I guess this is nice
Summary: Last episode ever! Whee! Donna’s at the After Dark, discussing wedding-reception details with Nat and Noah. She says she and David sent an invitation to Ellen but hasn’t heard back. Apparently Donna and David’s friends are throwing them their reception, which is the best advantage of having friends in the restaurant business. Since Dr. Martin is dead, Donna has no one to walk her down the aisle, so she asks Nat to do it instead. Nat says that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever asked him to do.
Steve helps Janet with an article, assuring her that Charles will like her ideas for Nouveau. He’s right – Charles wants Janet to be the new editor. Janet’s too overwhelmed to be happy; this means tons more work and less time with Maddy. She tries to remind herself that she’s gotten what she wanted. At David’s house, he and Donna look through RSVPs (Andrea and Valerie are coming to the wedding; Brandon and Gina aren’t). Donna worries that they’re doing things too quickly, which means not everyone can come. She decides it’s the non-attending guests’ loss.
At the beach apartment, Kelly worries to Steve that their lives are like a Stephen King novel and something awful is lurking around the corner. Steve tells her that their friends are awesome, which means their lives are awesome, etc. Then he reveals that Matt’s leaving for New York the next day, so he won’t be at the wedding. Dylan arrives and asks Kelly if she wants to dance, for some reason. She wants to wait. She’s still a little annoyed that he kept Matt’s secret from her, but not so annoyed that she won’t let him nuzzle her. So I guess they’re back together?
Steve takes Janet to an empty office building, telling her that he thinks they’re both looking for balance in their lives. He wants to rent an office in the building and run a publication together. They’ll have room for Maddy, so they can work and spend time with her at the same time. Janet’s worried about taking another big risk, but she wants to give it a try.
Donna’s bachelorette party is pretty tame, considering Felice, Jackie, and Ms. Teasley are among the guests. Andrea presents the bride with a video message from Brandon, who calls her “baby” and tells her to give his love to Kelly. Kelly says he’s “still disgustingly cute,” so someone needs to get her eyes checked. Andrea serves ice cream and popcorn, which Donna remembers eating at Brenda’s sleepover way back in season 1. No one mentions whether Brenda’s coming to the wedding. Valerie arrives with a giant box of condoms. Thanks, Val.
Over at the Walsh house, the guests for the bachelor party include Mel and Muntz. Brandon has a video message for the groom as well, taunting David for having to wait so long to have sex with Donna. Shut up, Brandon. Valerie has a game for Donna, “Pin the Macho on the Man.” (I think she only said “macho” because Donna’s mom is there.) Donna has to shoot a Nerf dart at a picture of David, and she misses horribly. Surprisingly, Felice wants to play.
Kelly shares with Janet that Steve was her first love (though she was only 15 at the time). She asks if Steve ever growls or barks during foreplay. Valerie recognizes those sounds. Janet asks if anyone in the room hasn’t slept with Steve. Everyone but Kelly raises her hand, though Ms. Teasley doesn’t hear the question. Felice pins the macho right on the man. I’m going to be sick. Ryan shows up at the bachelor party with a stripper named Kiki who turns out to be a guy in drag. Thanks for your contribution, Ryan.
Suddenly it’s the day of the wedding, which takes place in a church but is officiated by both a priest and a rabbi. Erin’s the flower girl. Janet and Kelly are bridesmaids, allowing Steve and Dylan to admire their significant others in dressy clothes. Nat gives away Donna and her cleavage. Dylan reads a passage from Letters to a Young Poet about marriage being a partnership where each partner is “the guardian of his solitude.” Then they learn to see each other as part of a whole. Matt arrives late and stands at the back of the church.
Kelly reads the Elizabeth Barrett Browning “how do I love thee?” poem, so way to be original, guys. Matt gets uncomfortable and leaves. David and Donna exchange original vows, with him talking about how he feels he’s loved her his whole life, and her saying that he’s inspirational and gives her the courage to be herself. They both cry. Then they recite traditional vows and cry more. Rings! Kiss! They’re married!
The reception is held at the Beverly Hilton. Steve is allowed to talk. Donna and David share their first dance to a live performance by Eric Benet and Tamia. Matt makes another appearance, having delayed his departure for New York to talk to Kelly. They were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. He thought that they could get past all of their problems, even the Dylan-related ones. But after hearing Dylan and Kelly’s readings at the wedding, he realized that they have a good connection after all. Matt thinks Kelly made the right choice, and he’s happy for her.
Noah dances with the bride, telling her he was thinking about moving away. Now, though, he thinks he might be able to give Ellen the commitment she wants. He ducks out to go talk to her. Donna asks Andrea about Hannah, who’s playing T-ball. David shares a nice moment with Valerie. The cake is cut, and no one smashes it in anyone’s face, which is nice. Kelly gives a toast, talking about how horrified she was when her and David’s parents first got together. But now she loves him, not least because he’s turned Donna into her sister.
Donna throws her bouquet, which Kelly catches (and it looks like that was the plan). Later, she and David toast to the gang, then dance some more. For the second time in the episode, Dylan asks Kelly to dance. This time, she doesn’t want to wait. Dancing montage! Everyone’s having a good time! David doesn’t embarrass himself, for once! Then the episode ends, and these people are out of our lives!
Thoughts: I have watched every single episode of this godforsaken show. All I know is it went on at least three seasons too long.
Andrea’s hair looks cute for the first time in the entire series. It’s very 2000.
So Valerie’s close enough to Donna and David to come to the wedding? Even though David’s her ex? And no one’s mentioned her for two years? Okay.
The bridesmaids’ dresses are a great shade of purple. Nice choice, Donna.
David’s mother doesn’t appear, and no one mentions her, so I hope she’s okay.
Remember Tamia? No? She had that…song? About…love? Okay, I don’t remember her either. But she’s married to Grant Hill now, so good for her.
April 19, 2015
BH90210 9.7, You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello: Meet the New Valerie, Same as the Old Valerie
EEEEEEEEEEE!
Summary: It’s a busy night at the club, and Noah has tossed out professionalism in favor of getting drunk. Kelly and Donna are at the Bel Age to see Donna’s cousin Gina, an ice skater in town with some ice show. Minutes after they meet up, the show manager fires Gina for being upset about not having a lead. She tells Kelly and Donna that she quit.
A girl named Denise calls David’s radio show to complain that her parents made her break up with her boyfriend. Noah drives drunk, listening to the show as David encourages Denise to move on. Apparently David’s voice isn’t enough to keep Noah conscious – he passes out and crashes. Valerie wakes him up at the After Dark the next morning, and he sees that he crashed his car.
Donna takes Gina to the Peach Pit, where she notices that Janet and Steve are a little more intimate than they usually are. Steve admits to Donna that he and Janet had sex, but he doesn’t want anyone to make a big deal about it. Gina meets Noah, but he’s not in the mood for small talk. Valerie returns her stolen dress to the boutique, in the process inviting Kelly and Matt to the Walshes’ house for the Thanksgiving dinner she’s hosting.
Matt asks Kelly to remind Donna of their dance lesson the next day. (He’s learning for his grandparents’ anniversary party.) He encourages Kelly to come to Val’s Thanksgiving so they can hang out. Janet and Steve discuss the possibility of becoming friends with benefits, since they’re certainly not going to have a relationship, what with all the little things they hate about each other. They’re sure hooking up won’t affect their current relationship.
Gina meets with her agent, who chastises her for earning a reputation about being difficult to work with. She begs him to get her a new job, but he doesn’t want to deal with her anymore. Gina tells Donna that she had to fire him for trying to get her to take a new job when she just wants to take a break. Noah shoos her away and tells Donna that he blacked out, crashed his car, and may have hit someone.
Denise shows up at the After Dark to meet David (and give him a lapdance). Kelly and Valerie pack up Brandon’s things for him, because he’s GONE AND NEVER COMING BACK, YAY! Kelly finds a note Val wrote Brandon telling him not to marry Kelly. She thinks Val was the reason Brandon wanted to call off the wedding. So much for that brief truce. Noah and Donna go to the police station so he can turn himself in for a hit-and-run.
David spends the night with Denise, who tries to sneak out the next morning. When she does leave, she accidentally leaves her beeper behind. David calls the number that paged her and speaks to Denise’s mother…who reveals that Denise is only 17. At the boutique, Donna tells Kelly that no charges have been filed against Noah (at least yet). Valerie tries to talk to Kelly, but she’s not in the mood. Donna warns Val that with Brandon gone, she has no one to clean up her messes, so she’d better behave.
Kelly goes up to Matt’s office to tell him that Donna can’t make their dance lesson. She asks to see some moves, so I think he’s going to have a new dance partner. Steve and Janet interview a couple who have been married for years but can’t have much physical contact because of an allergy. Janet thinks it’s romantic that they want to stay together anyway. Steve asks her to dinner, but Janet doesn’t think a friends-with-benefits arrangement allows dates.
David runs into Valerie at the grocery store and tells her that Kelly said everyone’s having Thanksgiving dinner at the beach club. He reveals that she spread the word about the don’t-marry-Kelly letter, so everyone’s mad at Val. Gina claims to have some job offers, and Donna hopes she takes one in L.A. They talk about how Gina’s mom was always jealous of her sister Felice’s wonderful life with a Beverly Hills doctor.
Noah informs Gina that her credit card was rejected, so Donna now has a hint that things in her life aren’t as perfect as she’s been letting on. Noah tells Donna that paint found on the bike of the child hit-and-run victim may match his car. Time to lawyer up, Noah! Denise goes back to David’s house, apologizing for not telling him her age. Also, she told her parents what happened, and he’s facing statutory-rape charges.
Noah goes to the hospital to see the hit-and-run victim, pretending it’s his brother. David tells Kelly that Valerie knows she’s stealing Thanksgiving, and that it hurt her. Kelly doesn’t care, of course. David announces that Val was molested by her father, and Abby knew but didn’t do anything. Steve clearly wants more with Janet than their current arrangement, but she says she has a date with someone. She’s still resistant to get their emotions involved.
David visits Denise’s mother to try to explain the situation. Of course, she’s not receptive to that. Kelly announces that she wants to co-host Thanksgiving with Valerie, who’s not interested in charity or pity. Kelly promises that she’s trying to be a friend for once. Val responds by throwing her turkey out in the yard.
Donna catches Noah getting drunk again, but he’s wallowing in his grief – the hit-and-run victim died. Donna doesn’t think she can handle babysitting him, so Gina steps up. And since Gina is clearly the new Valerie, this isn’t going to go well. Steve and Janet run into each other at a video store (remember video stores, guys?), and she says her date had to cancel. Steve tries to get her to watch a movie with him, but she balks.
Noah and Gina go to a boardwalk or fair or something, and he asks her what she’s trying to avoid thinking about. They take pictures together in a photo booth. David is smarter than Noah, as he goes to Matt to get legal representation. Kelly points out that if Denise was at the After Dark, an over-18 club, she had to have lied about her age. Matt notes that that doesn’t really matter in this case.
Noah and Gina go to the Walshes’ house, where, amazingly, they don’t have sex. Instead, he falls asleep and she leaves their photos with him. In the morning, Donna tells Noah that the police determined that he wasn’t the hit-and-run driver. It looks like Noah and Donna are on good terms again, so Gina grabs the photos before Donna can see them.
Steve brings up the friends-with-benefits arrangement with Janet again, and she tells him she’s hesitant to try a relationship because she fears one of them would get hurt. That night, everyone shows up at the Walshes’ with food, so Val gets to host dinner without having to cook anything. Valerie and Kelly make up, but it won’t last long: Valerie’s packing up to leave. She announces to the gang that she’s moving back to Buffalo after dinner.
Later that night, Valerie says a private, emotional goodbye to David, talking about heading into the future without ever looking back. Gina pretends she lost the pictures she and Noah took in the booth, so Donna can’t see them. Donna tells Kelly that if Gina wants to stay, she can take the third bedroom at the beach apartment. Gina does intend to stay, as she tells someone on the phone.
Kelly and Matt chat a little, and the kiss she gives him on the cheek soon turns into more kissing. This is bad timing on her part, because guess who’s back in town? Mr. Dylan McKay. Kelly isn’t nearly as happy to see him as I am.
Thoughts: If I ever accidentally call Gina “Brenda,” it’s not because of that Walsh chick. It’s because Vanessa Marcil played Brenda on General Hospital, and that’s all I know her as. P.S. It’s been 15 years since this episode aired, and I swear to you, Vanessa looks exactly the same. She has never, ever aged.
David, OF COURSE Denise is underage. She said her parents made her break up with her boyfriend. Does that sound like something that happens to a lot of people over 18?
At what point do you think Matt started wondering how he got mixed up with people who need lawyers all the time?
Steve, sweetie? Why would you toast Dylan’s return with champagne? HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC, YOU MORON.
‘Bye, Valerie! I probably won’t miss you, especially with Valerie 2.0 around now.
April 12, 2015
BH90210 9.6, Confession: Insert “Sophie’s Choice” Joke Here
Heh, Janet wore a shirt that says “I believe” to a ghost hunt
Summary: Sophie and David are at the Peach Pit, talking about a modeling job Eric told her about. David reminds her that Eric isn’t the best choice of people to tell her about jobs. Valerie rushes in to try to get David to come to Bel Air with her to see something. She gets rid of Sophie by telling her there’s someone in her car. The someone is a repo man, so it looks like Sophie will need to take the modeling job and make some quick money.
Lenny the abusive father goes to court and wins full rights to his daughter, which means Leah can’t avoid him. Kelly snarks at Matt for doing something good for a bad guy. The thing Valerie wants to show David in Bel Air is a mansion; she wants to throw a big party there while she’s supposed to be house-sitting. Leah’s distressed to have to be away from her daughter while Lenny has her. Kelly’s distressed that Lenny’s taking her to a park at a racetrack.
With Brandon gone (woo!), Steve and Janet are left to put together the paper on their own. She pretends to be optimistic that they can handle it. Sophie balks at nudity at her photo shoot, not even changing her mind when the photographer tells her she’ll lose her paycheck. She only agrees to strip when the photographer warns that a bad attitude will lose her jobs. Donna asks Matt to dinner, and he notes that Noah hasn’t been around. She tells him things are complicated and she needs a friend.
Steve thinks becoming a tabloid might be able to save the Beverly Beat. Janet is rightfully skeptical. The After Dark is super-busy, which means Noah gets to keep busy, but he tells someone to keep Donna and Matt out. Kelly and Leah meet with a woman to discuss Leah’s options for keeping her daughter from Lenny. The woman can’t directly help Leah leave, but she can guide her toward the assistance she needs. She warns that Kelly could face legal trouble for helping, since Leah would be violating a custody order.
At the boutique, Donna helps Valerie pick out an outfit for what she’s considering an end-of-the-world party. Val gives herself a five-finger discount. Noah stops by, supposedly looking for Matt, and asks Donna straight out if she and Matt are dating. Instead of answering, she kicks him out. Val can sympathize with Noah, who has two days before he starts court-appointed AA. She thinks they should be reckless, like she’s being with her rave. He invites her to a drag race.
Sophie buys David some CDs to thank him for his advice about the modeling job she claims she didn’t take. He suggests that she wait tables at the Peach Pit until she gets her big break. Steve moves forward with his tabloid idea, though Janet doesn’t like the idea of compromising journalistic integrity to make money. He tries to entice her with the idea of getting to write. Also, she’ll get a raise. Steve suggests that they check out a possibly haunted hotel.
Matt visits the beach apartment to ask Donna to dinner, but she turns him down. She really just wants him to leave so he doesn’t find out Leah’s there while Kelly makes plans to get her out of town. Sophie starts working at the Peach Pit, which she sucks at. A friendly customer leaves her a $100 tip, because he doesn’t yet know that it’s dangerous to enable her. Amazingly, she tries to return it, but the guy tells her to keep it, along with his phone number.
Valerie rides with Noah during the drag race, telling him she’s going to turn herself in for killing her father. She realizes that he’s not the best person to ride with in a dangerous race. Sophie meets the friendly customer, Tom, who invites her to go to Paris with him. Sophie, run away! This guy is super-shady! Donna easily makes up with Matt, then invites him to Valerie’s party. Kelly has trouble helping Leah get a fake ID, but that’s the least of their problems – Lenny knows what they’re up to. As Kelly calls the police, Lenny warns Leah that he’ll never let her go.
Steve and Janet pose as city inspectors to get access to the hotel. Steve pays off a security guy to let them into the kitchen where one of Marilyn Monroe’s alleged lovers may or may not have choked on a chicken bone. Janet accurately pegs the whole thing as a Scooby Doo plot. Sophie tells David that she got a role in a movie, but it shoots in Paris and she’ll have to leave the next day. David’s up for a long-distance relationship.
At Valerie’s big party, Donna tells Matt about the Lenny situation; his solution is for Leah to get a restraining order. Donna asks about fake IDs, so it’s not long before Matt figures out what Kelly’s up to. A neighbor threatens to call the police over the noise at the party, but Valerie isn’t intimidated. She tells Matt she’s turning herself in for her father’s murder. Shaggy and Velma Steve and Janet get themselves locked in a walk-in fridge, because of course they do. They fight a little, then kiss, because of course they do.
Noah gets drunk at the party and asks Donna not to leave him. Matt sees them together and mopes off. The police arrive, and Matt and David urge Valerie to keep her mouth shut. She’d rather go to jail with a clear conscience than keep the secret. But when the opportunity arises, Valerie can’t make the confession. Donna takes Noah to the Walshes’, where I guess he’s living now, and she asks him to take his time in AA seriously.
David thinks Valerie will confess, and he asks Matt if there’s a way they can stop her. Matt says no, so they should find someone who can talk her out of it. Steve and Janet are released from the fridge and deny that anything happened in there. The security guard tells them lots of people get locked in there and have sex. What kind of hotel is this?? Tom takes Sophie on a shopping spree at Donna’s boutique, where David learns what’s really going on. He tells her she’s prostituting herself by going off with a rich guy. He asks her to stay, but she says she can’t.
Valerie goes to the police station, where Abby intercepts her and begs her not to confess. She takes responsibility for Mr. Malone’s death, since she knew what was going on and didn’t stop it. Valerie says that after she shot her father, she watched him die. She hated him, though Abby thinks she loved him, too, and now confuses the two things. She promises that she forgives Val, urging her to forgive herself.
Leah can’t get on a plane without photo ID, so she’s low on options for leaving town. Matt arrives with the news that he knows a forger who can help Leah disappear. Kelly knows Matt could be disbarred for this, but he’s willing to take the risk. Donna has an awkward conversation with Matt, who’s still hurt that she ditched him to help Noah.
Steve and Janet agree that their time in the fridge isn’t worth discussing again. Then they’re stuck in a small place together again when construction makes them think there’s an earthquake. They do some more kissing. Kelly sees Leah and her daughter off, then visits Matt to apologize for the way she saw him before he did something good. Noah goes to an AA meeting, but instead of going inside, he drinks from a flask outside.
Thoughts: ’90s music alert: Natalie Imbruglia’s “Wishing I Was There.” Wait, Natalie Imbruglia had a song other than “Torn”? (Actually, I was familiar with the song; I just didn’t know it was hers.)
No way Brandon wrote every article in every edition of the paper. Or at least there’s no way he did that and still had a social life.
Why is the photographer the only person at Sophie’s shoot? Sketchy!
Seriously, what was the point of having Sophie on the show? I feel like the writers didn’t even know, and had to come up with a fast way to get her out of there before they had to think of an answer. She contributed absolutely nothing.
April 5, 2015
BH90210 9.5, Brandon Leaves: He Sure Does
I would have gone with “You’re killing me, Brandon”
Summary: Donna’s boutique is opening tomorrow, which is insane, because Brandon’s just getting back from New York, which means it’s only been a couple days since the boutique idea came up. He tells Kelly that he was offered a job in Washington, and he’s going to take it, which means BRANDON IS LEAVING. I repeat: BRANDON IS LEAVING. Party at my place! Valerie asks Matt to represent her in case Abby turns her in for killing her father. She tells Matt the whole story, and he warns that a court might not agree that it was justifiable homicide.
David goes to the Beverly Beat looking for Sophie, who he hasn’t seen for a few days. Janet shows him and Steve posters she’s seen all over town asking where Sophie is. Steve couldn’t care less what happens to her. Noah stops by the boutique, clearly not happy that Matt’s been helping Donna. Donna asks him to be at the opening the next morning. Noah asks her to do something that night, promising that he won’t run away like he has been recently.
Kelly talks to Leah, who went back to the abusive Lenny when she found out she was pregnant. He was great for a while, but recently he became abusive again. Leah filed for divorce and requested full custody, leading Lenny to threaten to kill her. Steve learns from Nat that the Walshes want to sell the house, which means the tenants will have to move out. Steve claims that he was thinking of moving out anyway. He tells Brandon that he thinks Kelly’s moving on from him with Matt.
Valerie corners Abby to ask what she plans to do. Abby’s still considering her options, since she knows that she holds power over Valerie’s fate. Brandon visits the boutique, noting that he and Kelly are both making big life choices without consulting each other. Lenny shows up to warn Kelly to stay away from Leah. After they shoo him away, Kelly tells Brandon to shut up about how they’re making changes.
David finds Sophie and lets her know that someone’s looking for her. Sophie claims that she got a commercial audition off of the fliers; they caught the attention of a casting agent. She asks David to come along. Donna’s hesitant to let Noah spend the night because he’s still not talking to her about his feelings. Then when Noah starts to leave, she asks him to stay. This is the worst relationship. Brandon tries to discuss Lenny and Leah’s case with Matt, who’s surprised that he knows Kelly. Brandon’s more surprised that Kelly never mentioned that they were involved.
Valerie confronts Brandon about his move and how it’ll force her to find a new place to live. Brandon invites her to chat, but she doesn’t want to bug him with her problems. David goes with Sophie to her audition, where she uses her photo from the fliers as her headshot. She pulls her money scam to get herself bumped to the top of the list. David’s annoyed that she’s stepping over people who have put in the work to become actresses.
The boutique is about to open, and Donna’s nervous. Kelly tries to pump her up by talking about it being an adventure. Plus, they did it mostly on their own. Donna’s also worried because Noah is MIA. Kelly tells her that if he keeps pushing her away, eventually Donna will have to let him go. Love might not be enough to salvage their relationship. Noah’s drinking at the After Dark, having just been asked by Felice to lie about how his father died. Valerie compares it to Abby claiming she dumped Carl when it was the other way around.
Sophie grumpily gets some headshots taken after being rejected at the commercial audition. David thinks she lucked out – working jobs beneath you can make you miserable. Also, now she’s free the rest of the day and they can have sex. The photographer invites them to a big Hollywood party the next night. Noah takes Valerie to his parents’ house to show her all the places where his father said he was useless. She talks vaguely about murder, implying that it’s on her list of crimes, but Noah thinks she’s joking.
Brandon tells Kelly he’s doing a story on custody cases, but she knows he just wants to insert himself in Lenny and Leah’s situation. She blasts him for making his departure harder on her. Donna and Kelly throw a party at the boutique, and David becomes the first customer, buying Sophie a dress. Steve tells Sophie that he’s glad she has David to look after her. Matt tells Kelly that he warned Lenny to stay away from the boutique, but she’d rather Matt dump him as a client.
Brandon lurks outside the party, telling Steve how he felt when he started school at West Beverly. He told himself to be cool, but he tripped and embarrassed himself. Donna approached him and introduced herself, then thanked him for putting everyone at ease. Brandon’s grateful that she, Steve, Dylan, and Kelly made him feel so at home. The guys are happy that they had their own business, and now Kelly and Donna have theirs. Brandon announces that he’s turning down the Washington job and staying with the Beverly Beat.
Sophie and David go to the Hollywood party with the photographer, Eric, and David’s mistaken for an actor. He quickly realizes that the director throwing the party makes pornos. David tries to rush Sophie out of the party before she can accept a role. She’s totally willing to do porn, because of course she is. Brandon interviews Leah, addressing the accusations Lenny’s made about adultery (true) and substance abuse (false). Kelly doesn’t get why Brandon’s giving up the job in Washington; she thinks he’s scared.
Sophie still wants the porn role, but David tells her she can do better. She tells him she needs money immediately. He advises her to wait for a better chance. Sophie’s annoyed that she hasn’t become a big star in the past four weeks. Brandon tries to prove to Kelly that he’s not afraid by taking her night swimming. Matt meets up with Donna as she’s leaving the boutique, and she tells him that she’s uncomfortable with him defending Lenny because of her own abusive relationship. He tells her that his parents’ divorce makes him want to give a father the chance to see his child.
Kelly admits to Brandon that she’s scared of the unknown (so night swimming wasn’t really a picnic for her either). He seems afraid of disappearing from her life and being forgotten. Kelly notes that they’re adults and need to grow up. Brandon apologizes for not being a good enough friend to let her move on. She sends him back into the water by himself, and I think it’s a metaphor, because he’s ON HIS OWN, because he’s LEAVING. BRANDON IS LEAVING. WHY IS HE STILL HERE?
Sophie shows David a “where’s Sophie?” billboard – she put out the fliers, and thinks the billboard will get her even more attention. Steve takes Brandon to the Peach Pit for what he thinks is a party celebrating the Beverly Beat‘s first anniversary. It’s actually a goodbye party because everyone wants Brandon to go to Washington. Noah apologizes to Donna for not being at the boutique party, then leaves after she asks him to give something back to their relationship. Kelly still won’t approve of Matt defending Lenny, warning him to protect the baby.
David feels bad that he didn’t tell Steve that he was seeing Sophie. He doesn’t want her to get in the way of their friendship. Steve assures him that they’re good. Abby stops by to tell Valerie that she’s not going to turn her in. It was embarrassing enough for people to know that Mr. Malone killed himself; she can’t face the shame of people knowing what was going on. Valerie’s not surprised that, once again, Abby’s going to keep something quiet. Val just wants closure.
Brandon and Kelly agree that they don’t have any regrets, so he can leave on a high note. Donna tries to call Noah, who’s too busy trashing his father’s things to answer the phone. Donna agrees to have a drink with Matt instead. Brandon gets his parents to agree to let Steve and Valerie stay in the house (and Noah, if he wants). While David broadcasts from the After Dark, talking about how much has happened to the gang, Brandon drives out of our lives forever, woo-hoo!
Thoughts: ‘Bye, Brandon! I will never, ever miss you.
What’s the point of Sophie? She doesn’t add anything to the show. She just makes David look crazy for liking her.
I don’t find Lenny intimidating, partly because he’s roughly the width of a blade of grass and partly because he was Greg in the Brady Bunch movies, and Greg is the opposite of intimidating.
Yes, Abby, people knowing that your husband molested your daughter would be shameful for YOU. Obviously your delicate sensibilities are what we should be worrying about here. Kindly shut up and go away.
March 29, 2015
BH90210 9.4, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Run, Matt! These People Are Crazy!
“Hi, I’m the new resident hunk. Feel free to leave now”
Summary: Kelly’s up late, moping because Brandon hasn’t called from New York. Donna’s also up late, thinking about how Noah’s father’s memorial service is the next day. She’s not sure Noah wants her to be there. They decide to watch TV, which leads to a conversation about how Kelly needs to review her options until she finds something she likes. Guys, I don’t think Donna means TV shows.
Sophie tries to sneak out of David’s house in the middle of the night, as has been her custom for a few nights. She claims she’s still on a waiting list to get a dorm room. She tells David she’s only living at the Walshes’ because Steve invited her, not because she wants to be with him. Donna and Kelly both attend Mr. Hunter’s funeral, where Mrs. Hunter talks about how much her husband loved Noah. Noah can’t bring himself to read his prepared eulogy, so he doesn’t say much of substance.
Sophie and Steve want to publish an article she wrote in the Beverly Beat, but Janet’s skeptical. She and Brandon want to launch a website for the paper. Sophie suggests that they put in a live feed so people can see what goes on in the newsroom every day. Janet thinks that’s dumb, but Steve thinks it’s a great idea. Valerie meets Abby and Carl for lunch, but she’s creeped out because Carl called her while he was on his honeymoon.
Kelly tells Donna that the funeral made her realize that she has no problems or regrets over things that have happened in her life. She wants Donna to put off work and do something fun with her. David helps install a webcam at the Beverly Beat, so Janet was overruled and has to put up with a live feed. David’s surprised to hear that Sophie has been given a column. Steve admits that it’s mostly an excuse to spend time with her. Someone access the live feed, but just to watch Sophie.
Kelly spots a cute guy and makes Donna pretend to read magazines with her so they can stare at him. There’s an empty storefront nearby, and Kelly suggests that Donna lease it and start her own boutique. David broadcasts from the After Dark, taking a request from a guy who’s too nervous to ask out a girl he likes. David offers to call the girl for him.
Abby tells Valerie that Carl wants an annulment, and she thinks Val knows what’s going on. Val just says he’s a jerk. Noah’s been drinking all day, so it’s no surprise when he gets pulled over for driving erratically and is busted for DUI. Sophie’s excited to see her first article in print, but David’s annoyed that she’s using Steve to become successful.
Donna’s hesitant to lease the storefront, while Kelly has a good feeling about her starting a boutique. The cute guy from the day before shows up; he’s a lawyer named Matt, and he has an office in the same shopping area. He offers to give Kelly the names of electricians and other workers the boutique might need, as he has a lot of them as clients. Donna learns that Noah’s been arrested, so it’s convenient that there’s a lawyer right there.
Carl tracks down Valerie at the After Dark to tell her he’s sorry he hurt Abby, but he thought he and Valerie had something. Val regrets doing something so stupid just after promising herself that she would start doing decent things. Janet insists that people will start logging onto the website to read articles and not just look at Sophie. She’s annoyed that Steve just wants to ogle her. Sophie suggests writing an article about David’s new radio show.
Donna takes Matt to court, though he doesn’t have time to talk to Noah before his arraignment. Noah pleads not guilty and is told to return the next day. Matt has lots of ideas for a defense argument, warning Noah of the consequences if he’s found guilty. Noah doesn’t like the idea of being sent to mandatory AA meetings.
Valerie summons Abby to the After Dark to confess that she slept with Carl in Vegas. She fully admits that it was revenge on Abby for not stopping Mr. Malone from molesting her. Then she confesses that she killed her father. Matt goes to the boutique and breaks attorney/client privilege by telling Kelly he’s meeting a client whose wife is divorcing him and suing for custody of their daughter. Kelly finds him familiar, but doesn’t remember that he’s Lenny.
Noah’s mad at Valerie for telling Donna about his arrest. Val doesn’t really care, since she has bigger problems. At the boutique, which is somehow now Donna’s, Donna tells Matt what Noah’s been going through. Matt leaves some of his folders behind, and Kelly finally recognizes Lenny. David sees Sophie and Steve together and interrupts them to ask for advice to give a caller. It’s just a way for him to encourage Sophie to be honest with Steve. Noah, drunk again, goes to the beach apartment to see Donna, but she won’t comfort him until he’s sober.
Sophie summons David to the Beverly Beat in the middle of the night, claiming she wants to interview him for her article. She promises that she doesn’t want to hurt Steve, and that she’ll move out of the Walshes’ house very soon. David tells her he’s done sneaking around, but he’s not against having sex one last time. Sophie puts her shirt over the webcam, but it falls off. Steve’s up late, logs onto the site, and sees them going at it.
Kelly tells Matt that he can’t defend Lenny – he’s a wife-beater. Matt reminds her that the Constitution gives everyone the right to a defense attorney. Steve takes Sophie’s things to David’s house and tells him to let her know she’s being kicked out. He tells both of them that he saw them on the live feed, and David can have her. Sophie doesn’t feel that bad, since Steve just had a crush on her. David busts Sophie on her lies, and she insists that she wasn’t using him.
Valerie asks Abby by the house, but Abby doesn’t want to hear anything from her. She warns Valerie to get a lawyer and turn herself in for killing her father. If she doesn’t, Abby will call the police. In court, Matt tries to argue that the breathalyzer test Noah took wasn’t accurate, but the judge isn’t about to let a drunk driver go free on a technicality. Noah’s fined, sentenced to a year’s probation, and forced to attend 12 AA meetings.
Donna asks to read the eulogy Noah wrote but never delivered. Brandon finally calls Kelly, but she puts him on hold to talk to Matt. He’s a little ticked that she won’t give him a second chance even though she’s still mad about him continuing to defend Lenny. Sophie moves into the Beverly Beat office, so now all the horny men of Beverly Hills can watch her sleep. The magic of the Internet! David advises his lovestruck caller to forget about his crush. Donna reads the eulogy, which talks about how Noah and his father always had a closed door between them.
Thoughts: Just one more episode until we get rid of Brandon! And we got a break from him in this one! I’m beyond excited!
Who would watch a live feed of the Beverly Beat (I mean if Sophie weren’t on it)? Only three people work there, and they never do anything.
I love Janet. More Janet! I demand more Janet!
Where did Donna get the money for the lease? Her parents? That’s pretty much the only possibility.
March 22, 2015
BH90210 9.3, Dealer’s Choice: It’s Sin City, So Why Not Sin?
Ick ick ick
Summary: It’s morning at the beach apartment, and Kelly remarks to Donna that Noah has spent the night three nights in a row. Yeah, maybe he doesn’t want to be alone after his father killed himself. Donna’s assistant Carrie comes by, followed moments later by Brandon. Kelly thanks him for a recent job recommendation. Noah heads off with Brandon to get his father’s things. Donna tells Kelly that she wishes Noah would move in with her.
Noah asks Brandon to write Mr. Hunter’s obituary; any other writer would write about his successes and skip over the realities of who he was. Brandon says he’s too busy. Noah is horrified to see that his father’s gun is in with his belongings. Valerie is being super-nice to Abby and Carl while they’re in town, buying them theater tickets and having brunch with them. David reminds her that she was originally going to confess to killing her father. Abby announces that she and Carl are getting married in Vegas in a couple days, and they want Val to come along.
Sophie has a new car, a ’65 Mustang, and somehow thinks she’s about to make it big in show business. Steve invites her to the party Donna’s throwing for her parents. Sophie heads to “class” without her books. At the After Dark, Donna learns that Carrie’s been meeting with a client behind her back, pretending to be Donna’s partner. On the plus side, her dealings have been very successful. Noah shows up with Mr. Hunter’s gun, showing it off to Donna by firing it in the air. She predicts that he’s going to fall apart pretty soon.
While Steve chases after Sophie to give her her books, Brandon meets with Mrs. Hunter, having decided to write the obituary after all. Mrs. Hunter says that her husband worked for a company he hated and money he didn’t care about. He was miserable because he wasn’t able to spend more time with his family. When the company collapsed, so did he. Mr. Hunter always wanted to be an artist, but gave it up for business.
Sophie meets David at a coffee shop and gives him some suggestions for his new radio gig. Steve sees them together and realizes that they’re more than friends. At the Walshes’, Valerie asks Carl to zip up her dress. He’s uncomfortable since he’s practically her father, but she says she’s used to having an affectionate father. Holy crap, Valerie. Kelly arrives to return Brandon’s phone, and learns about the Vegas trip. She’s annoyed to see that Brandon has thrown her stuff in a box. After answering Brandon’s phone and hearing a woman’s voice, Kelly begs Val to let her tag along to Vegas.
Brandon visits Victor on his boat to basically say that his father was justified in killing himself. Noah plays with the gun, wondering why Mr. Hunter should shoot himself in the head instead of the heart. He thinks his father made a selfish decision. Brandon’s sure Mr. Hunter loved him, though. Steve sees Sophie off to “class,” pretending he has a date with an actress at the same coffee shop where he saw her and David. Sophie lies that she’s never been there, then says she ran into David there.
In Vegas, Kelly picks roulette numbers based on the number of letters in “cheater” and “Susie” (the name of the woman on the phone). Valerie rolls her eyes at how affectionate Abby and Carl are. While Abby heads to bed, a guy named Henry hits on Kelly. Donna helps Noah pack up the boat, but he doesn’t appreciate her assistance. He laments the hours he spends thinking about his father after Mr. Hunter spent so much time ignoring him. He tells Donna he’ll live in his office for now.
Brandon asks Janet to put Mr. Hunter’s obituary on page 3, but she says it doesn’t fit since she cut some things out. She and Steve don’t think that people will care enough about Mr. Hunter’s life for them to put the obit on page 3. Brandon thinks it’s a cautionary tale about doing what you want with your life and not settling for average. Janet and Steve aren’t moved. Carl and Valerie people-watch together, and after a while, she kisses him. He pushes her away just before Abby can catch them.
Noah sticks to the bar at Donna’s party, which is for her parents’ anniversary. Steve confronts David for spending time with Sophie after insisting they’re just friends. Dr. Martin introduces Brandon to Lou Jessup, a reporter from the New York Chronicle who claims to read the Beverly Beat. Brandon calls his bluff. A drunk Noah raises a toast to the Martins (he calls Felice “Felicia”), then says that he and Donna will half a bunch of guests at their own wedding, but everyone at the party will be dead by then. “To the Martians!” he toasts.
The next day, David calls Noah “the toastmaster” and fills in his memory. He tells Sophie they need to stop whatever they have going on to spare Steve’s feelings. Donna goes to see her client and catches Carrie there; she’s already been hired. Donna notes that she was hired for a lower rate but isn’t capable of doing the work. Carrie taunts that the client said she was better than Donna.
Steve continues to refuse to put Mr. Hunter’s obit on page 3, despite Brandon’s protests that now he has no legacy. Steve thinks he’s bitter that he doesn’t have a great job like Jessup. Brandon says everyone wants what they can’t have – after all, Steve wants Sophie. Steve encourages Brandon to get Jessup to see how good he is.
Noah apologizes to Donna for ruining the party, but she doesn’t accept. He says her father has already forgiven him. She’s annoyed that Noah won’t let her help him through his grief. Instead, he comforts her when he learns that Carrie stole her client. David broadcasts a live set from the After Dark, where Brandon, Janet, and Steve celebrate that Brandon got a meeting with Jessup. Sophie tries to convince David that he’s doing a good job. He tries to resist her flirting.
In Vegas, a similar scene is playing out, with Carl trying to resist Valerie’s flirting. Kelly’s hanging out with Henry again, thinking she’s doing a good job forgetting her problems. Just as Henry rolls double sixes, his hoped-for roll, Kelly sees a bride. Carl has failed to resist Val, and has wound up in her bed. Kelly sees him leaving the room, then finds Valerie half-naked inside. Kelly announces that she’s leaving first thing in the morning. Val has the good grace to feel bad about what happened.
In the wedding chapel the next day, things are going fine until Valerie fumbles the rings, having touched Carl’s hand. Valerie actually feels bad that she slept with her new stepfather. Carrie goes to the beach apartment to tell Donna that the client hated all of her ideas. She apologizes, but Donna shoots back, “Why do people think it’s okay to act horribly as long as you feel badly about it afterwards?” She doesn’t think Carrie actually feels bad anyway. The client calls Donna to take her back, but she declines.
Brandon meets with Jessup, surprised to learn that Jessup is trying to impress him. He wants Brandon to know that the Chronicle is considering Brandon for a job at their L.A. branch. Donna finally tells Noah straight out that she wants him to move in with her. Noah tells her that if she wants to help him, she needs to leave him alone. He shows her his father’s suicide note, which apologizes for not spending more time with his family, especially Noah.
Kelly heads back to the Walshes’ house and asks Brandon about the woman on the phone. Brandon tells her it wasn’t his phone. Womp womp. Brandon promises that he’s not dating anyone. Kelly calls him on putting all her stuff in a box, but he says he needed to get rid of the things that reminded him he was alone. Kelly says she tried to forget about him, and it makes her sad that she almost succeeded. Steve drops by David’s house looking for Sophie, who went out late the night before. David says she’s not there, but she is. She wonders if Steve has figured things out.
Thoughts: Why would Kelly voluntarily spend the weekend with someone she hates?
Carrie’s little butterfly hair clips earn her the award for most ’90s style this week.
Valerie to Henry, re: Kelly: “By the way, she doesn’t blow on dice.” Was that…was that a…?”
March 15, 2015
BH90210 9.2, Budget Cuts: In Case You Hadn’t Figured It Out Already, Noah and His Dad Are the New Dylan and Jack
Thanks a lot, Abby, for making me feel sorry for Valerie
Summary: Just seconds into the episode, Kelly learns why it’s called “Budget Cuts” – the foundation that funds the clinic is cutting its funding, and some people’s jobs are in danger. Kelly’s on the list to lose her job if the clinic doesn’t make some changes. At the Walshes’ house, David tries to convince Valerie that her claim that she murdered her father isn’t quite accurate. He was molesting her, after all, so she killed him in self-defense. Val has asked her mother to come to town so they can talk, and Abby actually shows up, with a man named Carl by her side.
Donna encourages Noah to reach out to his family now that they’ve lost all their money. Noah thinks they have money stashed somewhere and will be fine. Speaking of money, Steve offers to help Sophie pay for her books for school. She shoos him away, then goes to cash in her student loan, getting herself $5,000. Kelly asks Brandon to drum up some publicity for the clinic so they can stay open longer than the next few weeks. There’s going to be an auction, and of course, the whole gang will help organize it and/or attend.
Sophie runs into David downtown, and he notes that she’s buying some expensive things while telling Steve she can’t afford a place to live. She asks him for a tour of Beverly Hills. Valerie hangs out with Abby and Carl, annoyed that she hasn’t had time to talk to her mother alone. Carl believes that Mr. Malone was killed in a car accident. When they’re alone, Abby tells Val that she can’t admit that he killed himself because Carl would ask questions. She blames herself for her husband’s death. Abby reveals that she and Carl are engaged, and she sees this as a fresh start.
Sophie pulls David into a con to pretend they’re staying in a hotel just so they can get access to the pool. Noah goes to his father’s office to offer help, but Mr. Hunter says it’s too late. Kelly reads over Brandon’s article on the clinic, lamenting how many people will lose medical care if it closes. She wants them to keep their distance while they’re working together. Then she kisses him, so that didn’t last long. Brandon puts on his confused face.
Steve’s disappointed that he and Sophie haven’t hooked up yet. She tells him she spent the previous night looking for a waitressing job. He wants to go on a date, but she tells him she’s still dealing with her feelings for an ex. Kelly contacts a reporter from the L.A. Chronicle to do Brandon’s article so the two of them don’t have to spend time together. Then she considers auctioning off her wedding dress to raise money for the clinic. Sophie tries to get David to keep his mouth shut about the two of them spending time together so Steve doesn’t find out. David doesn’t see the point.
Mr. Hunter comes by the After Dark to try to make up with Noah. At the Beverly Beat, Steve asks Janet to decipher things Sophie has said to him. She informs him that Sophie’s never going to sleep with him. The Chronicle reporter Kelly comes by to get Brandon’s notes, then asks if Kelly’s single. He admits that the story isn’t going to make any difference. Noah’s father tries to act like a good father, reminiscing about playing baseball with Noah when he was a kid and getting him a signed Reggie Jackson ball.
Valerie gets Abby alone and tries to talk about her father’s abuse. Abby doesn’t want to talk about it. Val reveals that her father blackmailed her to keep her quiet, telling her that Abby would be mad if she found out. She now knows that she did nothing wrong. As Valerie implies that she killed her father, Abby slaps her, blasting her for threatening to go to the police. Val is shocked to realize that Abby knew about the abuse but didn’t do anything. Abby insists that her husband was getting help. She doesn’t understand why he killed himself.
The auction starts, and Sophie wonders who’s modeling the wedding dress. Donna tells her they’re just displaying it. Brandon tells Kelly that he won’t give the Chronicle reporter his notes because the guy isn’t going to take the article seriously. Sophie thinks Kelly should get revenge by modeling the wedding dress. Steve and David talk about Sophie while she models, but David decides to stay quiet about their developing relationship.
Carl tries to reach out to Valerie, who’s been mean to him the whole time he’s been in town. He thinks she just has a problem with cops. He admits to killing a former classmate in self-defense while investigating a break-in. Valerie thinks Carl was in the wrong, but Carl says that the robber was the one who committed the crime. Someone from a radio station happens to be at the auction and tells David that there might be a job for him. Oh, great, back to radio stuff.
Kelly models the wedding dress, but instead of bidding on the dress, people start bidding on dinner with her. Brandon shuts it down by bidding $1,000. Noah tries to convince his father to walk away from his failed business and move on. Mr. Hunter is back to being a bad father and doesn’t want his support, even now that Noah has listed his boat for sale. Noah gets mad and knocks over Mr. Hunter’s martini, which he says was the only thing he had left to look forward to. Noah stomps off, and moments later, there’s a gunshot. ‘Bye, Mr. Hunter!
Valerie tells David that her mother knew what her father was doing to her. David advises her to forget Abby and take care of herself. She needs professional help, since David can’t understand what she’s going through. Val thinks talking to Carl is all the help she needs. The Chronicle article has convinced the foundation to keep funding the clinic, but the staff will still need to be reduced. Kelly offers to give up her job, saying she needs to move on anyway.
Sophie meets David at his house, where he tells her he got a tryout for a job at the radio station. He’s disappointed in himself for lying to Steve about the real nature of that relationship. I’m not sure what that nature is, but they kiss, so I guess they’re dating? Brandon wound up giving the reporter his notes after all, so Kelly thanks him for supporting her. He asks her to finish up their auction date with dessert, but Kelly doesn’t think it’s a good idea. They’re starting to accept that they’re really over.
Abby lets Valerie know she’s leaving town, so Val goes over to say goodbye. Abby admits that she confronted Mr. Malone about his abuse; he lied, then said he’d get help. Valerie thinks they need to spend more time together to get past the damage. Donna finds Noah at a park, playing baseball by himself and drinking alcohol he took from his father’s office. He hits a homerun with the Reggie Jackson baseball, saying he wanted it his whole life.
Thoughts: Carl is played by the same actor who played Joe’s brother Hank. He was also the UPS guy in Legally Blonde. I love that guy!
So to sum up: The only good parents on this show are Jim, Cindy, Dr. Martin, Mel (sometimes), and Samantha (sometimes). No wonder these people are so screwed up.
I’m confused about the specifics of Valerie’s storyline. I was under the impression that the abuse happened when she was a child. But she killed him right before she came to Beverly Hills, when she was 18 or 19, right? Was he still molesting her then? Also, unless she plotted out his murder beforehand, there’s no way the police could have mistaken a heat-of-the-moment shooting for suicide. The plot just doesn’t hang together.
David is a horrible MC/auctioneer. Steve should have done it.
March 8, 2015
BH90210 9.1, The Morning After: You Can’t Handle the Truth
Congratulations, Sophie, you are fully late ’90s
Summary: We pick up where we left off, just after Kelly and Brandon’s cancelled wedding. Only the gang remains at the Walshes’ house, and Kelly sends everyone else off. She and Brandon try the cake, which somehow leads to kissing, which leads to them going upstairs. David and Valerie spend the night at an overlook, talking about how her HIV test came back negative, which means she doesn’t need to worry about it again for six months. Val isn’t happy yet, though.
In the morning, Brandon tells Steve that he and Kelly spent the night together. Kelly wants to avoid a discussion with Brandon about what they did. They start to bicker, but Kelly still won’t discuss it. Steve’s like, “You guys are handling this awesomely!” Noah’s mom calls to bug him about seeing his father on his birthday, but Noah, like Kelly, won’t discuss it.
While returning some wedding presents, Steve tries to chat with a woman who isn’t interested. She cons a saleswoman, pretending to pay for something with a $50 that’s actually a $10, then uses Steve as a getaway driver. Her name is Sophie. Donna’s helping Kelly wrap up loose wedding ends when a guest returns to the house to get her purse. She’s interested in the person who designed Kelly’s dress, so Kelly gives her Donna’s name, encouraging her to accept whatever comes.
Valerie’s not sure she deserves good news after all the bad things she’s done. David thinks she just needs to do good things. She decides to start being honest, though it borders on harshness when she tells Nat he needs to update his menu. David is more hesitant to apply total honesty to every situation, since he needs to finesse one of his clients. Kelly and Brandon bicker again at his office; she’s upset that he’s acting like nothing happened. She thinks breaking up was a mistake.
Steve takes Sophie to the Walshes’, where she tells him she’s studying biology at CU. She’s looking for a place to stay, so he offers her a room at the house. Donna meets with someone who wants to put Kelly’s dress on display at his store. She’s not sure Kelly would approve. Noah tells his mother again that he and Donna won’t be having dinner with her and his father. Donna has already bought a present, though, and secretly calls Mrs. Hunter to accept the dinner invitation.
David tries to get a job doing a movie score, but his boss won’t negotiate with him. David says he’s too good to be writing jingles. His boss decides that he’ll just have to find another job then. Kelly, Donna, and Janet hang out at the After Dark, and Donna asks Kelly about the dress. She agrees to have it displayed. The guys go out somewhere else, offering Brandon support in his decision to break up with Kelly. Steve tells them he’s already over Sarah and moving on to Sophie.
Valerie tells Kelly that she’s proud of Kelly for moving on – she thought Kelly wouldn’t be able to make it work with anyone if she couldn’t make it work with Brandon. A guy asks Kelly to dance, but she says she has a boyfriend. The guys think Steve is crazy for falling for a woman he met in such a weird way. Kelly laments to Donna that she was supposed to be on her honeymoon tonight. Brandon watches their wedding video alone.
Noah learns of Donna’s deceit and is understandably mad. He tells her how strict his parents were when he was a child, and how he left because he hated being controlled. He wants to take Donna to hear Duncan Sheik at the After Dark instead of having dinner with his parents. Steve let Sophie spend the night in his room (he slept on the couch), and she’s happy that her plans are going so well. Her plans are for making it in show business: “1. Find a place in Beverly Hills. 2. Get money from college?? Get start in the business.”
David tells Valerie that her honesty policy backfired on him. He’s mad at her for giving him bad advice, as if she put a gun to his head and made him put it into practice. Brandon’s mad that Steve taped over the wedding video so he wouldn’t miss a golf tournament. Valerie thinks Brandon should get over it since he’s trying to hold on to memories he can’t get back. Brandon really doesn’t want to hear it.
Kelly and Donna go to the mall to see her dress on display. Donna assures Kelly that she’ll find someone else to spend her life with it. Kelly worries that Brandon was “the one.” “Then you would have married him,” Donna points out. Kelly wants everything back. That night, one-hit wonder Duncan Sheik plays his one hit, “Barely Breathing,” at the After Dark. Steve brings Sophie, who tries to pull the $50/$10 con on David, but he catches on. She recognizes his name from his brief music success.
Noah and Donna have dinner with his parents after all, but it gets really awkward when father and son start fighting. Bottom line: Mr. Hunter is a jerk, and Noah really doesn’t want to be there. Good job, Donna. Valerie tells Steve that Sophie’s not interested in him, though he still thinks he has a chance with her. David tells Valerie to stop being honest with everyone – she’s pushing people away. He doesn’t get why she thinks she doesn’t deserve happiness.
Brandon goes to the beach apartment to ask Kelly why she agreed not to get married. She says she thought they were only getting married because they thought they were supposed to. Now she thinks they made a mistake. He admits to being scared. Valerie overhears Sophie calling room service at the Bel Age for a couple supposedly staying there. Valerie warns Sophie not to hurt Steve. Sophie’s more interested in David, so Val tells her he’s not available.
Kelly thinks she and Brandon should go on their honeymoon despite not getting married. He’s not sure that’s a good idea. Sophie takes the room service order from the Bel Age and delivers it to David’s house as an apology for trying to scam him the night before. She assures him that she and Steve are just friends. At the Beverly Beat, Steve and Janet tell Brandon not to go on the honeymoon. David comes by to talk to Steve about Sophie, but they don’t actually communicate, so David thinks he’s free to pursue her.
Mr. Hunter comes by the After Dark to tell Noah that the family’s company is bankrupt, so they’re all broke. Brandon finally decides that going away with Kelly is a bad idea. She’s upset that he’s leaving her to deal with the fallout of their cancelled wedding on her own. Valerie goes to David’s and realizes that he’s moving on with Sophie. He asks her to tell him what she’s hiding. She admits that she blames herself for her father’s death. He didn’t commit suicide – she killed him.
Thoughts: Mr. Hunter is played by Ray Wise.
Donna has the oldest old-school Nokia cell phone. It’s hilarious.
David, re: Kelly: “She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s sexy…” Me: “She’s basically your sister, so choose some different words.”
Remember Duncan Sheik? I barely do.
Brandon to Valerie: “Would you go be a b%$@# somwhere else, please?” WHOA!
David to Sophie: “Try that often, or do I just look especially stupid?” Me: ‘Don’t answer that. He doesn’t like honesty right now.”
March 1, 2015
BH90210 8.32, The Wedding, Part 2: With This Ring I Thee…Ha Ha, Psych!
That dress is nice. Too bad it went to waste
Summary: Noah bugs Donna about her date with Jacob the morning after it. She thinks his jealousy is adorable and reminds him that she’s just helping him get back at his ex. Valerie goes to a clinic to get her HIV test, but she changes her mind when she sees the poor condition of another patient. That night, the gang gathers for dinner, along with Jim and Cindy (!). Valerie tells David that Johnny revealed that he’s HIV positive.
Jim and Cindy give a joint toast, saying nice things about their son and his soon-to-be-wife. Kelly decides that their vows are fine the way they are. Valerie decides she wants to give a toast, and for some reason, Kelly doesn’t immediately have her removed from the room. Val says that she hopes to someday have what the happy couple has.
Steve ambushes Sarah when she gets home from a date with her husband, almost getting in a fight with Mr. Sarah. They both tell Steve to leave. Donna and Noah discuss their crumbling relationship and wonder whether they should call it quits. David takes Valerie back to the clinic and questions why she didn’t use a condom when she was with Johnny. She tells him she wasn’t thinking that night; if she had been, she would have thought about David.
Steve tells Brandon about his recent encounter with Sarah, who refuses to return his calls. Brandon thinks that’s normal – after all, Sarah’s married to someone else. David films Donna for the wedding video, but she’s not in the best mood for talking about love, since her own love life is going down the drain. Jackie visits Kelly at work and gives her the locket her father gave her mother on their 25th anniversary. Kelly’s worried because she and Brandon struggled so much with their vows.
Donna and Jacob get the Walshes’ house ready for the wedding, and she tells him that she and Noah are a little stuck. Jacob wonders if she’s considering moving on. Their ploy with his ex worked out, because she’s now interested in Jacob again, but Jacob would rather be with Donna. Cindy does her part of the wedding video, talking about letting go of your kids as they grow up. She’s sure that Brandon and Kelly are over the moon and excited to be getting married.
Steve goes to Sarah’s workplace, so he’s officially gone too far with this. She tells him that no matter how he feels about her, she’s not going to walk away from her marriage without fighting for it. It’s pretty clear that she and her husband are officially back together, and she doesn’t anticipate ever going back to Steve. Brandon and Kelly spend the night before their wedding apart; he tries on his ring and she tries on her veil.
Valerie has a sleepless night at David’s, trying to endure the nine hours until she can get her test results. He reminds her that people can live full lives with HIV, but she’s afraid that no one will ever want to be with her. She promises that if she’s negative, she’ll turn over a new leaf. She also apologizes for sleeping with Johnny, but David doesn’t care. Val’s surprised that he’s being so nice to her after they broke up. He thinks that she would do the same for him.
Kelly wakes up on the morning of her wedding finally feeling calm. Brandon, however, looks like he’s preparing for a funeral. Valerie films a nice message for Brandon but can’t bring herself to say anything positive about Kelly. The clinic calls and asks her to come back to get her results instead of hearing them over the phone. Jacob tries to find an excuse to talk to Donna, who admits that she doesn’t know where things stand with Noah, but she loves him. Jacob graciously bows out.
David, Steve, and Noah watch Brandon and Kelly’s portion of their video, in which they’re all lovey-dovey and happy. Valerie tells David she’s going to wait until after the wedding to go back to the clinic. He’s surprised that she’s willing to wait so long, but Val’s fine with postponing it, since she’s sure it’ll be bad news. Noah tries to talk to Donna while she’s running around, trying to put out fires. He runs into Jacob, who tells him that Donna wants Noah, so Noah should put forth some effort.
Steve whines to Joan about Sarah, like Joan doesn’t have anything better to discuss in her five seconds of screentime. Donna and Jackie get Kelly ready, and then Jackie dismisses Donna so Kelly can admit her nerves. She pretty much says that she wants to be with Brandon but not as his wife. Jackie’s like, “Okay, cool, don’t get married,” though she notes that it might just be cold feet.
Steve WILL NOT SHUT UP about Sarah, and it just makes Brandon wonder if he and Kelly have the same kind of passion that Steve thought he and Sarah had. Brandon thinks it’s a problem that he’s not nervous. He goes to see Kelly, who gives him a Swiss Army knife. He reads her an e.e. cummings poem, “somewhere i have never travelled.” They admit their doubts to each other and realize they don’t want to get married.
Donna and Steve are like, “There are a bunch of people here for a wedding, so you need to get married. Also, remember how you love each other?” But Kelly and Brandon walk into the church together and announce that they’re not getting married. The priest thinks they’re brave. They’re still going to have the reception at the Walshes’, but now it’s just a regular party. Somehow, even though no one got married, everyone’s happy.
Sarah shows up at the reception and tells Steve that she left a trip she and her husband were on because she missed Steve so much. She wants to get back together, but he’d rather have his dignity. David tells Valerie he still loves her, but this isn’t a good time to get back together. He’ll still go to the clinic with her, though.
Donna thinks Noah’s happy because Brandon didn’t commit himself to that horrible institution of marriage. Noah thinks Brandon was smart and made the right decision. But if he and Donna ever get to that stage, he won’t necessarily say no to marrying her. Jim and Cindy are supportive of Brandon and Kelly’s decision, and Jackie’s so supportive of Kelly that she wants to set her up with another guy already. Yikes.
Kelly offers to pay for half of the wedding, and Brandon tells her to take Donna on their would-be honeymoon. They dance and talk to their guests like they actually got married. Back at the clinic, a much less happy Valerie is about to get her test results. She and David try to convince themselves that everything will be okay.
Thoughts: I finally made it through season 8! Only five Brandon episodes left!
How many times did Steve and Sarah even go out? Time to drop it, Sanders. Eat some ice cream, watch some sad movies, wear some grubby clothes, and MOVE ON. (With Janet, of course.)
I get Dylan not coming to the wedding, but no Brenda? And no explanation for why she’s not there? Sure, right. And no Andrea either? That’s also strange.
Donna, I don’t think a bridesmaid’s dress is supposed to have a slit that high.
’90s music alert: Babyface’s “Every Time I Close My Eyes.”
February 22, 2015
BH90210 8.31, The Wedding, Part 1: “Till Death Do Us Part” Is Starting to Sound Grim
I have a crazy feeling that everything’s going to work out just fine
Summary: Kelly and Brandon are getting married super-fast, but everything seems to be ready to go. Dylan and Brenda won’t be attending. David tries to be friendly to Valerie, but she’s not in the mood. She cries and tells him she did something really stupid. David doesn’t like hearing that she slept with someone else. She promises that he didn’t mean anything to her, and that there’s more: He was an IV drug user. David advises her to get an HIV test.
Instead, Val tracks down Johnny, who clearly doesn’t want anything from her now that he’s had sex. She announces to his colleagues that he’s a heroin addict, then asks Johnny his HIV status. He claims he’s negative. Donna and David try to film Brandon and Kelly for their wedding video, but neither knows what to say. Steve plans to introduce the gang to Sarah at the wedding, because he hasn’t yet decided that it’s a dealbreaker that she’s still in marriage counseling with her husband. She swears that her marriage is over.
Brandon and Kelly have lunch with Bill and Jackie, who keep offering to pay for the wedding but keep getting turned down. Bill wants to reminisce about their wedding, but Jackie doesn’t share his happy memories. Donna and Noah record a message for the wedding video, saying that Brandon and Kelly have true love. David asks what that means, and how they feel about marriage. They both say they’re not ready yet. Kelly and Brandon go ring shopping but bicker over whether or not to have them inscribed.
Donna loves the caterer’s choices, but Noah thinks the food isn’t that big a deal. He announces that he has a problem with marriage because it should be enough to declare your love for each other. As he leaves, a truck rolls down the driveway and straight toward Donna. The caterer, Jacob, saves her. At the Beverly Beat, Steve complains to Brandon that Sarah hasn’t called him after a counseling session. He’s sure that means that the session went well and she’s getting back together with her husband. He works himself up into a panic, and then, of course, Sarah calls.
Valerie tells David that Johnny said he doesn’t have HIV, but David points out that addicts aren’t always honest. He knows that you can have the virus for months before it shows up on a test. Val doesn’t want to waste her time worrying about something that might not be an issue. Noah agrees with that mindset, so Valerie asks him to hang out. David says she has something to do first. Donna complains to Kelly about Noah’s views on marriage, and Kelly complains that Brandon snores.
Janet tells Brandon to pick an obituary out of the paper and focus on the part that says “survived by” rather than the accomplishments the person made. Steve wonders why the men always die first. Sarah asks to reschedule a date with Steve so she can be with a friend who’s going through a bad breakup. David bugs Valerie about getting tested, which she still hasn’t done. She doesn’t want his support if he’s just going to pity her. She heads off to see a band with Noah.
Steve makes Brandon go with him to stalk Sarah and find out if she’s really with a sad friend. Brandon thinks he should enjoy being part of a competition. They stake out Sarah’s home, and she does indeed get a visit from a crying woman. Donna wants to talk to Jacob about how he saved her life, but he’s a little embarrassed by the attention. She offers him anything he wants as a thank-you, so he asks for a date.
Noah takes Valerie up to the roof of a building to take in the view, but she’s a little bummed at the sight of a billboard about HIV awareness. She walks on the ledge and tells Noah about playing Truth or Dare as a teenager. Noah gets nervous, not wanting to watch another girl die, like he did with Beth. Val complains that he’s overprotective. He pulls her back onto the building and she scrapes her arm. She runs off when he tries to help her.
Brandon and Kelly meet with a minister, who encourages them to write their own vows. Noah goes to the Walshes’ house to see Valerie; when David arrives a minute later, he accuses Noah of moving in on his ex. Val asks them both to leave. Steve talks to Brandon about how much he loves Sarah, commenting that Brandon must understand the feeling. Brandon clearly doesn’t have that same passion for the woman he’s about to marry.
Kelly complains to Donna that the first draft of Brandon’s vows didn’t turn out that great. She thinks she chose the perfect poem to read, but Donna didn’t understand it. Steve goes with Brandon to a jewelry store to look for a gift for Kelly, but Steve gets distracted and picks something out for Sarah. Brandon doesn’t like that Kelly wants to use a poem as her vows.
Noah’s mad that Donna’s willing to go on a date with Jacob; she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Noah doesn’t buy Jacob’s story that he just wants to use Donna to make his ex jealous. Brandon reads Kelly his vows, asking if they’re what she wants him to stay. She thinks they’re well-written, but she’d prefer if he described his feelings for her rather than just describe her. Kelly reads her poem, Deborah Garrison’s “Happily Married,” but Brandon doesn’t get it either. Rather than fight again, Kelly leaves.
Donna goes out with Jacob and they put on a great show for his ex. Steve meets Sarah for a date and has his worst fears realized: She’s decided to give her marriage another chance. Meanwhile, a high, drunken Johnny goes to the After Dark and confirms Valerie’s worst fears: He’s HIV positive.
Thoughts: Why would you go to marriage counseling if you weren’t going to get back together with your spouse? What a waste of money.
Steve: (ranting) Brandon: “Have you ever considered Ritalin?” Steve: “That’s for hyperactive kids! How dare you!”
David, Valerie is a grownup. I know she doesn’t always act like she is, but it’s true. She’s responsible for her own health. Back off.
Jacob is nice and charming, and he has an English accent. Noah is boring and more boring, and has no accent. Make the right choice, Donna.
I feel like a lot of the wedding prep should have been done earlier. No rings? They haven’t talked to the minister yet? Yikes.
'90s Flashback 