February 20, 2016
BH90210 10.27, Ode to Joy: And They All Lived Happily Ever After, or Something
I guess this is nice
Summary: Last episode ever! Whee! Donna’s at the After Dark, discussing wedding-reception details with Nat and Noah. She says she and David sent an invitation to Ellen but hasn’t heard back. Apparently Donna and David’s friends are throwing them their reception, which is the best advantage of having friends in the restaurant business. Since Dr. Martin is dead, Donna has no one to walk her down the aisle, so she asks Nat to do it instead. Nat says that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever asked him to do.
Steve helps Janet with an article, assuring her that Charles will like her ideas for Nouveau. He’s right – Charles wants Janet to be the new editor. Janet’s too overwhelmed to be happy; this means tons more work and less time with Maddy. She tries to remind herself that she’s gotten what she wanted. At David’s house, he and Donna look through RSVPs (Andrea and Valerie are coming to the wedding; Brandon and Gina aren’t). Donna worries that they’re doing things too quickly, which means not everyone can come. She decides it’s the non-attending guests’ loss.
At the beach apartment, Kelly worries to Steve that their lives are like a Stephen King novel and something awful is lurking around the corner. Steve tells her that their friends are awesome, which means their lives are awesome, etc. Then he reveals that Matt’s leaving for New York the next day, so he won’t be at the wedding. Dylan arrives and asks Kelly if she wants to dance, for some reason. She wants to wait. She’s still a little annoyed that he kept Matt’s secret from her, but not so annoyed that she won’t let him nuzzle her. So I guess they’re back together?
Steve takes Janet to an empty office building, telling her that he thinks they’re both looking for balance in their lives. He wants to rent an office in the building and run a publication together. They’ll have room for Maddy, so they can work and spend time with her at the same time. Janet’s worried about taking another big risk, but she wants to give it a try.
Donna’s bachelorette party is pretty tame, considering Felice, Jackie, and Ms. Teasley are among the guests. Andrea presents the bride with a video message from Brandon, who calls her “baby” and tells her to give his love to Kelly. Kelly says he’s “still disgustingly cute,” so someone needs to get her eyes checked. Andrea serves ice cream and popcorn, which Donna remembers eating at Brenda’s sleepover way back in season 1. No one mentions whether Brenda’s coming to the wedding. Valerie arrives with a giant box of condoms. Thanks, Val.
Over at the Walsh house, the guests for the bachelor party include Mel and Muntz. Brandon has a video message for the groom as well, taunting David for having to wait so long to have sex with Donna. Shut up, Brandon. Valerie has a game for Donna, “Pin the Macho on the Man.” (I think she only said “macho” because Donna’s mom is there.) Donna has to shoot a Nerf dart at a picture of David, and she misses horribly. Surprisingly, Felice wants to play.
Kelly shares with Janet that Steve was her first love (though she was only 15 at the time). She asks if Steve ever growls or barks during foreplay. Valerie recognizes those sounds. Janet asks if anyone in the room hasn’t slept with Steve. Everyone but Kelly raises her hand, though Ms. Teasley doesn’t hear the question. Felice pins the macho right on the man. I’m going to be sick. Ryan shows up at the bachelor party with a stripper named Kiki who turns out to be a guy in drag. Thanks for your contribution, Ryan.
Suddenly it’s the day of the wedding, which takes place in a church but is officiated by both a priest and a rabbi. Erin’s the flower girl. Janet and Kelly are bridesmaids, allowing Steve and Dylan to admire their significant others in dressy clothes. Nat gives away Donna and her cleavage. Dylan reads a passage from Letters to a Young Poet about marriage being a partnership where each partner is “the guardian of his solitude.” Then they learn to see each other as part of a whole. Matt arrives late and stands at the back of the church.
Kelly reads the Elizabeth Barrett Browning “how do I love thee?” poem, so way to be original, guys. Matt gets uncomfortable and leaves. David and Donna exchange original vows, with him talking about how he feels he’s loved her his whole life, and her saying that he’s inspirational and gives her the courage to be herself. They both cry. Then they recite traditional vows and cry more. Rings! Kiss! They’re married!
The reception is held at the Beverly Hilton. Steve is allowed to talk. Donna and David share their first dance to a live performance by Eric Benet and Tamia. Matt makes another appearance, having delayed his departure for New York to talk to Kelly. They were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. He thought that they could get past all of their problems, even the Dylan-related ones. But after hearing Dylan and Kelly’s readings at the wedding, he realized that they have a good connection after all. Matt thinks Kelly made the right choice, and he’s happy for her.
Noah dances with the bride, telling her he was thinking about moving away. Now, though, he thinks he might be able to give Ellen the commitment she wants. He ducks out to go talk to her. Donna asks Andrea about Hannah, who’s playing T-ball. David shares a nice moment with Valerie. The cake is cut, and no one smashes it in anyone’s face, which is nice. Kelly gives a toast, talking about how horrified she was when her and David’s parents first got together. But now she loves him, not least because he’s turned Donna into her sister.
Donna throws her bouquet, which Kelly catches (and it looks like that was the plan). Later, she and David toast to the gang, then dance some more. For the second time in the episode, Dylan asks Kelly to dance. This time, she doesn’t want to wait. Dancing montage! Everyone’s having a good time! David doesn’t embarrass himself, for once! Then the episode ends, and these people are out of our lives!
Thoughts: I have watched every single episode of this godforsaken show. All I know is it went on at least three seasons too long.
Andrea’s hair looks cute for the first time in the entire series. It’s very 2000.
So Valerie’s close enough to Donna and David to come to the wedding? Even though David’s her ex? And no one’s mentioned her for two years? Okay.
The bridesmaids’ dresses are a great shade of purple. Nice choice, Donna.
David’s mother doesn’t appear, and no one mentions her, so I hope she’s okay.
Remember Tamia? No? She had that…song? About…love? Okay, I don’t remember her either. But she’s married to Grant Hill now, so good for her.
October 10, 2015
BH90210 10.8, Baby, You Can Drive My Car: The Amazing Race, 90210-Style
I think I have a new favorite episode
Summary: Steve dozes at the Walshes’ while Kelly, Donna, and Janet work on wedding details. Donna mentions that Noah’s going to start moving into the beach apartment. Janet complains that her and Steve’s parents don’t care about the wedding (which they haven’t even set a date for yet). Right now, all Steve cares about is the strippers he’s dreaming about. Janet invades his dream to ask a question about the wedding reception.
Dylan meets with Andrew to go over activities for the kids at the community center. He needs more funds, so Dylan writes a big check. He’d rather give money than actually volunteer. Gina suggests that she and Dylan volunteer together, which is hilarious. Kelly runs into David at the Peach Pit and tells him that Mel is a pig – she’s heard about Mel’s visit to the strip club. Now that Jackie knows, she’s kicking him out. “My daddy looked at a naked girl, so Kelly’s mommy kicked him out,” David tells Gina, who plays dumb about how Jackie might have found out. Kelly’s on to her, though, and hates both her and Noah.
Janet works on the nursery, hoping to get it done quickly so she and Steve can move on to wedding plans. She gets emotional and tells Steve she doesn’t want to be pregnant when they get married. Steve tells her she doesn’t need to be insecure about anything. Janet suggests that they set a date for the wedding.
Dylan and Andrew have dinner together, and Andrew mentions that he’s gay. Dylan clearly doesn’t have any problem with it, but Andrew isn’t out. He’s stayed in the closet because he’s worried about how people will react to him working with kids. Dylan’s like, “What decade is this?” Just then, a group of guys jumps out and attacks Dylan and Andrew, thinking they’re a couple. Dylan gets the better of one, but Andrew is a little banged up.
Janet panics about baby and wedding stress again, but Steve has an idea. It involves their friends. Dylan takes Andrew to his hotel and calls the police, who need the guys to make a statement. Andrew won’t make one – the press will find out he’s gay, and he doesn’t want to deal with the backlash. He’s scared he’ll be branded a pervert. Dylan points out that if they don’t put the bashers in jail, they’ll go after someone else. Andrew tells him to make the statement for both of them.
Gina comes home and tells Dylan that her mom wants them to visit. She’s pleased that Bobbi actually wants to spend time with her. Dylan points out that Gina never wants to spend time with her; why is she so excited about a visit? Gina asks if Dylan knows anything about her. They spend all their time together, but Dylan never seems to care what she’s talking about. And yet she keeps coming back…
Steve and Janet gather the gang at the After Dark to send them on a scavenger hunt. Nat announces that there will be a party at the end. It’s to serve as a combination baby shower/bachelor party/bachelorette party. Everyone will work in teams, and if they get stuck, they can call an emergency number for help. There’s no cheating, and Steve and Janet won’t be paying any speeding tickets. (Heh.)
The teams are Donna and Matt; David, Kelly, and Noah (bad idea); and Dylan and Gina (worse idea). Each team gets a box containing the first clue and any “tools” they may need. Donna and Matt rush off before even looking at the clue. Kelly, David, and Noah turn out to get a good team, quickly figuring out that they need to go to a copy center. Gina and Dylan will probably kill each other before they figure out the first clue.
Once David, Kelly, and Noah are in the car, things get awkward, since Kelly wants to talk about how many times Mel may have cheated on Jackie. David points out that Jackie’s the one breaking up the marriage. Kelly replies that she’s not the one who cheated. Noah tries to argue that not every stripper at the club was a stripper. Kelly’s like, “Semantics don’t matter when my mom and sister are angry at Mel.”
Donna and Matt are first to the copy center, where they have to use photos of various body parts to make a calendar: “P.S. Extra points for photocopying your butt.” Donna volunteers Matt’s butt. Good call, Donna. They quickly get to work, finishing as David, Noah, and Kelly arrive. Noah asks Donna to switch teams since Kelly’s being a jerk. She agrees but reminds him that he and Kelly are about to be roommates. Donna’s smart enough to take her and Matt’s photos, so he’ll have to redo the task with Noah.
The next clue sends teams to a house owned by a family who puts up Christmas decorations in November. The racers will be stealing some of the decorations (which will be returned at the end of the race). Dylan and Gina are still on their way to the copy center, though Gina’s more interested in helping a stray dog. Dylan tells her they’re not getting a dog, which makes Gina complain about their strained relationship.
Noah and Matt head to the Christmas house to do some stealing. “Smells like a felony to me!” Matt says. Noah finds and starts blowing up an inflatable doll. A cop sees them, and the guys try to pretend nothing strange is going on but get pulled over anyway. At the Christmas house, David stays back to be the getaway driver while Donna and Kelly take decorations and the next clue. They get caught by the homeowner, who’s excited to participate – she met her husband on a scavenger hunt.
Dylan and Gina arrive next, fighting about the dog. David agrees to go with Gina to get the stray, so we have another team switch. Kelly, Donna, and Dylan next go to a mattress store to take a photo with an employee on a bed (wearing footie pajamas). Andrew calls Dylan to tell him that he needs to view a lineup the next day. Andrew still refuses to participate. Kelly and Donna bug him about Gina, pointing out that they shouldn’t be dating if they can’t handle spending an hour in a car together.
Gina and Dylan take the dog to a vet, and she complains more about Dylan. She wishes he were more like David. At the mattress store, Dylan and an increasingly competitive Donna convince a store employee to take a picture with a pajama-wearing Dylan. The next clue tells the team to find the classified ad Janet answered for the job Steve and Brandon gave her at the Beverly Beat. Somehow, the task involves math.
Donna and Dylan work on it while Kelly answers Donna’s phone. Noah’s calling from the Christmas house, wanting to talk to Donna. Kelly refuses to hand over the phone, telling Noah to call the emergency number and quit. The mattress-store employee did well on his math SAT, so he helps Dylan with the clue. He comes up with the number 15,488. The racers combine that with a picture of a sunset and decide it means the party is at 15488 Sunset Boulevard.
Gina’s upset to learn that the stray dog isn’t actually a stray, and will be allowed to go back to her owners. She objects to them getting back the dog they let wander in traffic. That’s not how you treat someone you love. Do you guys get it? David’s more concerned with the fact that they named the dog Joan. Heh. Gina takes the dog and tells the vet to let the family know they can call her to get Joan back.
Everyone else ends up at 15488 Sunset Boulevard, though Noah and Matt had to call the emergency number. Donna, Kelly, and Dylan have won the race, which is good, because Donna would probably be insufferable if she’d lost. The final clue gives some information about the location, saying that today it will unite two-and-a-half people. Nat appears and plugs in some lights as “Here Comes the Bride” plays. Steve and Janet are getting married there, right now.
The bride and groom exchange some very nice vows and are declared husband and wife. They have their reception at the Beverly Royale, laughing over Dylan’s picture from the mattress store. The wedding location was something old. The mattress Dylan posed on is now Janet and Steve’s, their something new. The Christmas lights are something borrowed, and the calendars are something(s) blue. Steve wonders what happened to the blow-up doll. The prize for the scavenger hunt is a gift certificate to the Peach Pit. Thanks for showing up, Nat.
Dylan toasts the newlyweds, who share their first dance. Janet wishes their parents had been there, but Steve points out that that would have been a disaster. Janet’s hopeful that their families will come around someday. Steve’s happy even though things didn’t come together the way they’d imagined. Kelly still won’t talk to Noah, who reminds her that the strippers and dancers weren’t any kind of victims. For example, one of them, Trina, was there to make money to take care of her kids. Some people make mistakes and do what they have to do to get by.
Later, Kelly sees how happy Steve and Janet are and tells Matt that’s what she wants someday. Matt decides to conspire to make sure Kelly catches Janet’s bouquet. Dylan tells Kelly, “She doesn’t hold a candle to you on your wedding day.” Then he tells Gina he’ll go visit Bobbi with her. Gina says she just wanted to spend more time with him; how else will they end up like Steve and Janet? Dylan tells her they might not get a happily ever after.
Gina storms off, asking David to take her somewhere. He tells her he can’t hang out with her if they’re only going to be friends. Back at the reception, Dylan arranges for Steve and Janet to spend the night in the penthouse, but they already have a place to stay. Donna, Kelly, and Noah return the Christmas decorations before Kelly goes to spend the night with Matt so Donna and Noah can have the apartment to themselves. Donna tells Noah she wants to do something to help Trina, but he admits that she doesn’t exist. Kelly doesn’t have to know.
While David and Gina end up in bed together, Kelly goes to see Dylan. She remembered that no one took pictures of her at her and Brandon’s aborted wedding, so how does he know how she looked? Turns out he was there but left before he had to watch her marry someone else. They agree that he shouldn’t have brought it up.
Thoughts: This episode was really fun! Steve and Janet’s idea was adorable. The wedding was really sweet. And there were a lot of funny moments. I think the actors had fun doing this.
According to the writers, Gina calls Dylan “honey bunny” and picks up stray dogs. Whatever, guys.
Kelly telling Gina, “Please go to Hell” made me giggle.
Kelly, after Noah tells her that some of the women at the club were dancers, not prostitutes: “What, exactly, was the dancer-to-prostitute ratio?” Hee. She may be annoying in this episode, but she’s funny, too.
When the mattress-store employee starts to leave after the picture, Dylan tells him to stay on the bed and “relax.” I wonder if Luke Perry adlibbed that – it seemed random.
Also, I hope Donna shares her gift certificate with that employee, since he’s the one who came up with the right address.
July 11, 2015
BH90210 9.19, The Leprechaun: First You Get the Publicity, Then You Get the Money…
Somewhere, Brandon’s crying and doesn’t know why
Summary: Kelly and Matt are on a double date with Noah and Donna at the Peach Pit. Noah and Donna need to learn to keep the PDA to a minimum, especially when people are trying to eat. A woman named Jeannine approaches Noah with a business proposal: She wants to buy the Peach Pit and the After Dark to open a restaurant. Kelly and Donna laugh at the idea of selling Nat out.
Next door, David tries to convince Claudia to see a movie she worked on as a makeup intern. She feels uneasy about putting off her cleaning work at the club, so David promises to help her. With their date coming to an end, Matt and Kelly get awkward about whether they’ll be going to the Walshes’ house together for the night. He wants to wait a little while, since he’s just getting past being with Lauren.
The next day, Kelly tells Donna that she’s hired a publicist named Pia for the boutique. Donna’s annoyed that Kelly didn’t consult with her, since they’re supposed to be partners. Kelly replies that Donna didn’t consult with her about the fall line. Yeah, that’s the same. When Pia arrives, Donna pretends to be excited.
Steve also has an idea to drum up business: Since St. Patrick’s Day is coming, the Beverly Beat should publish a picture of a leprechaun. That leprechaun will be played by a little person named Lou. Gina has once again forgotten that she doesn’t like how Dylan treats her, because she’s back at his place. He wants to go for a hike. She points out that she has a job, as most people do. She doesn’t get why he can’t just be happy for a minute, or find some kind of direction for his life.
Noah meets with someone from the bank that holds the After Dark’s mortgage, which Noah owes three payments on. The guy, Don, doesn’t like Noah’s excuses for not paying, and threatens to foreclose if Noah can’t come up with the money. Matt meets with two new clients, an engaged couple who want a prenup. They’re very happy together, but they’re both brokers and want to make sure their partnership is protected.
Gina thinks Donna’s reluctant to embrace Pia because hiring a publicist was Kelly’s idea. She suggests to Kelly that Donna doesn’t feel comfortable with Kelly’s business ideas. Donna tells Kelly she doesn’t want to hire Pia, since the boutique is doing well without her. Kelly wants to feel more fulfilled in her end of the business. Kelly overrides Donna’s veto, since she’s the business side. After she leaves the room, Gina suggests to Donna that Pia doesn’t appreciate her work, and Kelly might not either.
David walks Claudia home after their date, and just when it looks like things are going to turn out well for them, she announces that she’s moving. Her visa has expired, so she has to leave the country. Noah calls Jeannine to the club to discuss the possibility of accepting her offer to buy the Peach Pit and After Dark. Oh, Noah.
Steve and Janet take Lou downtown to run around with a bunch of fake gold and basically embarrass himself for a small amount of money. Janet also predicts that they’ll get in trouble with the Irish Anti-Defamation League. Lou gets cold feet, but changes his mind when Steve offers more money. Janet goes along with the plan, because as much as she complains, she doesn’t have enough of a backbone to refuse to go along with Steve’s wacky schemes.
Noah approaches Nat about selling the Peach Pit instead of renewing his lease. He reveals that he’s already accepted Jeannine’s offer. Claudia tells David that she can only stay in the States if she finds an employer who thinks she’s “uniquely qualified” for a specific job. He comes up with an idea and asks her to meet him at his house.
Kelly meets with Pia at the beach apartment, and Gina sits in to entertain herself. Pia thinks they need to stage another opening and pay celebrities to make appearances. Kelly’s hesitant, knowing that Donna wouldn’t want celebrities to be there for a reason other than her designs. Gina’s like, “Well, don’t tell her why they’re really there, you moron.”
Dylan tells Noah that his sale is a horrible idea because of how it will hurt Nat. Noah thinks Dylan would do the same thing if he were in this situation. Then he says Dylan wouldn’t have to anyway, since he’s rich. Dylan notes that Noah used to be rich; now that he’s poor, he’s suddenly the kind of person who would sell out a friend? Dylan begs him not to sell, but Noah says it’s done.
Matt tells Kelly about his prenup couple, who think they’re perfect for each other but still want protection in case things don’t work out. Kelly doesn’t get when you can decide that things are great and you don’t need a safety net anymore. David brings Claudia the possibility of a job with a movie producer he happens to know. She’s nervous about an interview for a job that could change her future. David’s doing more for her than anyone ever has.
Kelly tries to talk Donna into the second opening, skipping over the part about hiring celebrity guests. She takes offense when Donna says it’s a dumb idea. Noah agrees with Kelly that Donna doesn’t seem to respect Kelly’s idea. Donna admits that she’s comfortable now and doesn’t want to risk things. Noah asks what Donna would do if she had to choose between business and friendship. Donna, of course, would pick friendship.
Steve’s stunt works, though it gets the Beverly Beat slammed by another paper. Steve doesn’t care, since any publicity is good publicity. A butcher named Todd brings in Lou, having “caught” him – he wants to trade him for a pot of gold. Steve admits that he put that offer in the paper as a joke. Todd doesn’t think the joke is very funny. If he doesn’t get his pot of gold, someone’s going to feel the business end of his butcher knife.
Steve and Lou bicker about who’s to blame, like, maybe wait and figure that out after you’ve gotten away from the maniac with the knife? Todd demands a reward, confiding that he can’t afford to pay for his son’s heart operation. Someone should tell him to call Dylan. David takes Claudia to meet the producer, but the job has already been filled.
The boutique “opening” brings in a big crowd, and Donna wears her best bustier to celebrate. Steve writes a story about Todd and his son; he also mentions that he shouldn’t have put a little person in a ridiculous situation. Aww, Steve is learning to be empathetic and nice! At the boutique, Gina breaks the news to Donna that the celebrities are only there because Pia paid them.
Kelly asks Matt not to wait until things are perfect, like the prenup couple. He shouldn’t try to protect their relationship because he’s afraid of things falling apart. Donna blasts Kelly for hiring the guests and putting the business before their friendship. She kicks everyone out. At the After Dark, David tells Dylan that Claudia has to leave the country. Dylan tells him to do anything necessary to prevent her from having to leave.
Dylan then informs Noah that he bought the mortgage on the Peach Pit and After Dark. He’s now Noah’s landlord. Since Noah can’t make his payments, Dylan’s foreclosing on him. Despite the article about him, Todd is suing the Beverly Beat for his reward. Steve and Janet get a bunch of letters from readers who have sent in money to help Todd and his son. Bingo – reward!
Even though Kelly and Donna think the “opening” was a disaster, Pia tells them that their argument made it a hit. Donna objects to being popular for the wrong reasons. Pia, however, is from Steve’s school of thought about any publicity being good. Kelly sides with Donna, and the friends make up. Matt tells his clients he won’t draw up their prenup, then gives a Brandon-like speech about how protecting themselves from a breakup is a horrible decision.
Noah tells Dylan that his interference has put him in a bad decision – his father’s death left his mother with nothing, and Noah needs to be able to support her. Nat starts to kick Noah out, but Dylan announces that he’s going to extend the lease. He’ll make the big decisions, but Noah and Nat will continue to run their respective businesses.
Steve and Janet have pledged a grant matching all the money readers sent in, so Todd should be able to afford his son’s operation. David tells Claudia that he thinks Dylan was right – he should do anything possible to help Claudia stay in the States. Claudia suggests that they get married so she can get a green card. David’s like, “Okay, cool.”
Gina’s proud of Dylan for doing something good with his money. (Didn’t he just help build a playground?) He likes the idea of owning something, though Gina thinks he really likes the idea of being in charge. Matt surprises Kelly at the beach apartment to tell her he’s scared but he loves her and is ready to jump back into things. Did we just wrap up an episode with everyone happy?
Thoughts: Lou is played by Danny Woodburn, Hollywood’s go-to little person.
Guys, maybe stop listening to Gina about…well, anything?
I think David and Donna are great together, but David and Claudia are pretty cute, too.
June 7, 2015
BH90210 9.14, I’m Married: And That’s Why You Don’t Get Revenge
Same
Summary: The gang is playing strip poker at the Walshes’ house, and it looks like Noah’s winning. Matt’s in New York with Lauren, who we learn spent the past few years in an institution, being treated for schizophrenia. She’s in some sort of recovery phase now, and wants to go to L.A. with Matt so they can have a life together. He pretends there won’t be any problem with that. Steve is the official loser of strip closer, as he’s left with no clothes. Kelly screams when he drops his boxers, but Janet takes a nice, long look.
Dylan reports for community service at a construction site, working for a boss who seems to be practicing his audition for Cool Hand Luke. They’re supposed to be building a fence to prevent a rock slide, but one of the other workers, Ramon, thinks digging will actually cause the rock slide. The supervisor makes a bunch of racist remarks and ignores his concerns. Dylan and Roman dig anyway, so I guess if they get killed by falling rocks, their families can sue the supervisor?
Steve’s still a little ticked about the poker game, and after Noah leaves, he tells Donna that he’s plotting revenge. He checked out the glasses Noah wore during the game, having claimed his contacts were bothering him. The cards were marked, and the glasses allowed him to cheat. Donna agrees to help Steve get revenge. At the Peach Pit, Nat mentions to David that a health inspector is coming tomorrow for both the diner and the After Dark. We should probably remember that in case it’s important later.
David encounters a studio executive who’s reading a book she really likes. She tells him it’s about a couple who can’t quite get together because the guy disappears. Donna and Steve pull David away to help them get revenge on Noah, which means David and the woman can’t get together because he’s disappearing. Hey, just like the couple in the book! Matt and Kelly chat at the boutique about going away for the weekend, and he doesn’t mention Lauren.
David lets Steve mess with a tank of CO2 at the After Dark so it’ll malfunction when Noah uses it. I’m sure that won’t happen when the health inspector is around. Lauren drops by Matt’s office, impressed that he’s a lawyer and doing what he wants. He admits that he’s dating someone, but he’s happy that Lauren’s there. As Steve, David, and Donna wait impatiently for Noah to pull out the new CO2 tank, Dylan tells Gina that his day at community service was boring. Gina meets Dylan’s NA sponsor, Linda, and quickly flees because she’s pretty.
Noah finally changes CO2 tanks and soaks himself. Steve literally tells him to take off his clothes, making his motives for this revenge scheme seem a little different from what he claimed they were. Kelly tries to call Matt, who’s been out with Lauren. Lauren wants to have sex, but Matt wants to move slowly. She confronts him for appearing to hide him, though he says he’s only checked her into a hotel because the house is so crazy. Unable to reach her boyfriend, Kelly cancels their weekend plans.
Noah gets revenge for Steve’s revenge by making him dye his hair green. In Mature Adult Land, Kelly confronts Matt for being so distant. He approves of her decision to cancel their weekend plans. Kelly asks him to meet at the After Dark that night so they can talk about their relationship. David ditches Nat, who’s nervous about the approaching health inspection, so he can reconnect with Carole, the exec from the day before. They bond over their love of the movie Cinema Paradiso. It happens to be playing that night, so they make a date to see it together.
Steve comes to the club with a cage containing something that squeals. Guess who else is there? The health inspector! Steve releases a rat just as the inspector finds a mousetrap. Donna finds the whole thing amusing, but Noah’s justifiably upset. Steve reveals that the health inspector isn’t really a health inspector, just a guy named Hal. Suddenly Hal starts gasping and collapses. Noah can’t find a pulse, so he tells Donna to call 911. Steve admits that he didn’t tell Hal about the rat. Donna gets all frantic as Noah flings Hal’s body around. The health inspector arrives while Noah stashes Hal in an empty fridge.
At community service, Ramon tells Dylan he’s there because he fell asleep driving home from his night shift. He hit a parked car and was charged with reckless driving. Their supervisor mocks him for reading up on getting his contractor’s license. Dylan stands up to him, so now he’s on the supervisor’s bad side, though I’m not sure the supervisor has a good side. I hope Ramon saves his life after a rock slide or something.
The After Dark passes the inspection, which apparently went very quickly, as the paramedics haven’t even arrived yet. But when Noah, Donna, and Steve go to get Hal’s body, the fridge is gone. Before they can react to Nat’s announcement that the fridge was taken to a salvage yard, the paramedics arrive. Noah pretends someone made a prank call. The paramedics buy the story, just telling Steve, “Nice hair.”
Somewhere downtown, David tries to get Gina to calm down about Dylan having a hot sponsor. He tells her to follow Dylan’s lead and let him steer his recovery. The two of them spot Matt and Lauren together, acting very close. Donna, Steve, and Noah head to the salvage yard, but the fridge has been crushed and compressed already. Poor dead Hal. A guy at the yard comments on Steve’s hair, which I guess is supposed to pass for a running joke in this episode.
Lauren wonders if she and Matt and their random balloon hats are crazy for spending time together again. She tells him to stay with Kelly if she makes him happy. At the boutique, Gina tells Kelly that Dylan’s hanging out with someone she doesn’t know; how would Kelly feel if Matt hung out with someone she doesn’t know? Kelly finally gets her to spill that Matt might be seeing someone else. Dylan talks to Ramon about his recovery, and how he’s not sure what will happen next. Right now, he can only focus on building the fence. Ramon encourages him to think about his future; otherwise, he’ll always be working one fence at a time.
Suddenly, rocks fall and Dylan pushes Ramon out of their path. The supervisor yells at them for not securing the rocks. Dylan yells back at him to take it easy since Ramon could have been hurt. The supervisor, of course, doesn’t care. Knowing he’s going to get in trouble anyway, Dylan starts a fight, getting off a good punch in the supervisor’s face. Ramon’s upset that his sentence could be extended. Dylan thinks he was right for fighting injustice, but Ramon doesn’t want Dylan’s behavior affecting his life.
Noah, Steve, and Donna return to the After Dark, wondering how to tell Hal’s wife what happened to her husband. Noah thinks it’s Steve’s responsibility. David goes to the movie theater to meet Carole, but she doesn’t show, and the phone number she gave him is wrong. Gina tries for romance as well, wanting to get Dylan’s mind off of everything (but mostly Linda, I would imagine). While David leaves the theater, having been stood up, a call from Linda interrupts Dylan and Gina’s evening together.
Matt’s also been stood up, so he goes to the beach apartment to see Kelly. She confronts him over Gina’s accusations, refusing to believe him when he says Lauren isn’t his girlfriend. Dylan takes responsibility for what happened the day before, asking the supervisor not to extend Ramon’s sentence. He already has two jobs and attends night school while trying to support his family. The supervisor doesn’t care.
Donna thinks Kelly should fight for Matt, reminding her that Dylan fought for her when he came back. Steve arrives to collect Donna, and Kelly, of course, comments on his hair. Ramon’s sentence hasn’t been extended after all, thanks to Dylan’s willingness to take the blame for something that wasn’t his fault. He thinks Dylan is worth saving. Steve and Donna tell Hal’s wife about his death, which leads to her own collapse. Oh, maybe this is the running joke of the episode.
Dylan goes to see Gina at the apartment, but she slaps him. Freaking A, Gina. Calm down. He tells her that he used to be motivated by revenge and drugs, the two things that got him up in the morning. Now they’re gone, and he doesn’t know what to do. Gina’s happy with him again. I do not understand this woman. Carole comes to the After Dark to explain why she missed the movie (her mom was in an accident) and reveal that David wrote her number down wrong. She’s heading to Chicago to be with her mother, so it looks like David’s staying single for now.
Hal’s wife shows up at the club, followed by Hal himself. Noah was in on the whole thing. Donna and Steve hired Hal to trick Noah, but when Hal called to work out the details, Noah picked up the phone and took over the prank. Donna’s able to laugh off the whole thing, and though Steve’s not amused, he’s able to get over it when Noah soaks himself again. Kelly goes to Matt to try to work things out, finally meeting Lauren and learning who she is. She’s not Matt’s girlfriend, she’s his wife.
Thoughts: I’m pretty sure NA sponsors are supposed to be the same gender as their sponsees (is that a word? It is now), but that leaves us without a jealousy-based story, and we couldn’t have that, could we?
Donna is a horrible actress. Less flailing next time, Martin.
It would have been funnier if Nat had been behind the whole prank with Hal.
Speaking of the prank, that escalated quickly, huh? It went from Noah soaking himself to Noah making Steve and Donna think they’d killed someone.
The last scene would have had more of an impact if the title of the episode hadn’t been “I’m Married.”
January 4, 2015
BH90210 8.24, The Nature of Nurture: Beware Gay People and Their Horrific Agenda to Be Parents and Give Your Child a Loving Home
Monsters, right?
Summary: Donna meets Noah at the Peach Pit, where she opts for caffeine instead of the pills she’s no longer taking. She’s frustrated that she can’t find another job. Also frustrated: Kelly, who hasn’t yet been approved as a foster mother for Leanne’s baby. Instead, the baby has been placed with a couple who have named him Raphael. Kelly’s disappointed that the foster parents can apply for custody and eventually adopt Raphael. She’s also disappointed that they’re gay. Brandon wants to write about them, of course. Kelly’s unsure of their ability to raise a child.
Brandon gets to work right away, discussing with Janet how weird it is that people consider it controversial for gay couples to adopt. (It’s no less controversial 17 years in the future, guys.) Brandon notices that Steve is taking some cost-cutting measures. Steve admits that without a big advertiser, they may not be able to keep publishing. He’d like to publish cigarette ads. Brandon outright refuses to advertise a product that kills people.
Valerie and David go to the airport to pick up Abby, who’s decided to visit in the wake of Valerie’s recent trauma. Val is really, really not happy to see her mother. Noah encourages Donna to make her own clothes since she can’t find a designer to make them for her. He’s willing to cover all the costs, too. Donna’s hesitant but can’t really say no to a fully funded chance to make her dreams come true.
Kelly calls the social worker to complain about the gay couple, Kyle and Gene, being allowed to take care of a child. The social worker assures her that they went through all the same verifications as straight couples, and were cleared to be caregivers. The phone call ends when Bill suddenly shows up. He was let out of prison early for good behavior, and wants to start working on his relationship with Kelly. She’s eager to do the same.
Steve goes out with Jill, having to make up stuff about the people Ted wrote her about. (Hilariously, he says that he and “his” brother, Sam, went hunting, which is a miracle because Sam was in a wheelchair. Jane is taking the news well, and Jill hopes she and Sam can patch things up, because “it was a crime of passion.” I want to meet Ted’s family!) Steve has to scramble to keep Jill from finding out his real name from his credit card.
David meets his new neighbor, who likes to play his music loud. David recognizes him as Woody Sloan, but Woody doesn’t appreciate being recognized. Brandon learns that Steve went behind his back to work on a deal for cigarette ads. He puts a halt to the deal, then asks Kelly if she thinks he should give in to save the Beverly Beat. She thinks he should stand up for what he believes. Brandon segues to her disagreement with the social worker, admitting that he doesn’t think Kelly should get Raphael.
Donna gets right to work on making her clothes, telling Noah that they should set some ground rules so working together doesn’t get complicated. If they disagree on something, it won’t get done. She’d also like his opinion on her designs. Noah’s worried that this is too much for Donna to handle while she’s recovering from taking the pills. She assures him that everything is awesome and this is a great arrangement and there will be rainbows and puppies in their future.
Valerie continues to resist connecting with Abby, which David thinks is ridiculous. They listen to Woody play, and David tells Val that ten years ago, he was a Grammy winner with a huge contract. He’s not sure where things went wrong. Valerie wonders why Woody still plays when David doesn’t. David’s sure that Woody isn’t playing just for the joy of it. He blasts Valerie for acting like there’s something he needs to get over.
Steve confronts Brandon for halting the ad deal, which keeps them in financial trouble. Brandon has a hard time taking Steve seriously when he’s currently lying to his girlfriend. Steve promises that he’s going to tell Jill the truth. Brandon doesn’t think it matters if he’s already sleeping with her. There’s more fighting across town when Bill shows up at the After Dark. Val yells at him a little, then introduces him to Abby. The two parents are immediately taken with each other.
Jill invites Steve to her hotel room, where she wants to enact the fantasies he once told her about in a letter. Steve quickly gets uncomfortable when Jill keeps saying Ted’s name. He ducks out before there’s any sex. Brandon asks Kelly what she thought of his article; she didn’t like it since he sided with Kyle and Gene. She doesn’t like that Raphael will be raised without a mother. Brandon wonders if she would feel the same about the arrangement if Kyle and Gene were lesbians. Just as they’re sort of patching things up, Leanne arrives and begs Kelly to help her get her son back.
After a day of failed pitches to stores, Donna asks Nat to take a look at her designs and state his opinions. He has no idea what to say, which makes sense, because he’s not in fashion. (Also, she used spring colors and he’s an autumn.) Donna thinks this proves that she’s never going to be a successful designer. Noah thinks their last meeting will go well. He tries to get Donna to take her mind off of work, but that fails.
Kelly takes Leanne to meet with the social worker; she’s happy that Leanne wants the baby back, because one ill-equipped teenage mother trumps two stable, nurturing, mature fathers. Leanne is even less of a fan of gay parents than Kelly, and Kelly ends up defending Kyle and Gene a little. Apparently Leanne found out about the arrangement from Brandon’s article. She objects to her son (who she’s named Eric) being “raised gay.” Kelly says that people are born gay, not raised that way. She also realizes that someone who left her baby on a doorstep is probably not the best judge of what’s right for him.
Steve talks about the Jill situation with Janet, who’s already figured out that he got uncomfortable about which guy Jill wants to be with. Brandon confronts Steve about the ads, and Steve points out that they both have the financial problem, not just him. He knows that Brandon will move on if the Beverly Beat closes, while Steve will struggle to find something else. Brandon isn’t making as big a deal out of the situation as Steve thinks he should be.
The next time Woody plays his guitar, David starts playing his keyboard, and the guys have an impromptu jam session. Meanwhile, Steve goes to tell Jill who he is – or, more accurately, who he isn’t. She’s disturbed that he read her intimate letters to someone else. Steve thinks they could have a great relationship, but Jill disagrees. Noah secretly makes arrangements with a boutique to pay for anything necessary if the boutique will sell Donna’s designs.
David goes to the Walshes’ to happily tell Valerie that he started playing music again. Her good mood over the news is quickly ruined when she learns that Abby and Bill are going on a date. Kyle’s upset to learn that Leanne is back in the picture and can take Raphael/Eric back. Brandon apologizes for the fact that his article caused the upheaval. Kyle and Gene are unwilling to fight Leanne since they might ultimately have to give the baby up anyway, and it would be even more painful after they’ve raised him for a few years.
At some later point, Brandon’s up for some award, and Steve’s not happy for him. Kelly admits that she doesn’t think Leanne will be a better parent than Kyle and Gene…and she doesn’t think she would be better either. She also didn’t object to Gene and Kyle as parents because they’re gay – she objected because she wanted the baby for herself. Abby and Bill show up to announce that they’re dating. Kelly’s as unhappy about the relationship as Valerie is.
Noah’s deal with the boutique is a success, and Donna has no idea how it came about. I’m sure there’s no way this will come back to bite anyone. Kelly goes to Leanne’s to see how things are going, but Leanne isn’t happy to see her. Uh, she got you your kid back, girlie. Show some gratitude. Kelly tells her that Kyle and Gene would have been great parents. Now Leanne is stuck with a baby she doesn’t know how to take care of, and no help from her mother. She insists that she loves the baby, but Kelly thinks she made the wrong decision.
Brandon doesn’t win the award, and he and Steve aren’t talking, and Kelly’s late arriving, so the Beverly Beat‘s table at the ceremony is pretty dreary. Then Steve is called up to presents a surprise award to Brandon. He says he tried to explain to Brandon what a difference his stories make, but Brandon wouldn’t listen. (Whatever. Brandon loves hearing that stuff about himself.) Brandon tells Steve that they’ll be publishing their paper far into the future, which I guess means they’ll be running cigarette ads.
David visits Woody, who’s grateful for their jam session since it helped him finish a song he was working on. He wants to know what happened to David after his sudden (and brief) success. Woody plans to just play their song for the enjoyment of music, not to gain fame or fortune. David uses it to get Valerie to calm down and stop freaking out about how Abby and Bill are going away together for the weekend.
Steve goes back to Jill, arguing that they’re meant to be together. He wants her to be happy, and he’s figured out the way to do it: He’s going to find Ted so he and Jill can be together. Kyle and Gene show up at the Walshes’ with Raphael, having been asked to foster a child they didn’t even know was him. Kelly and Brandon are happy for them.
Thoughts: I was going to say, I didn’t buy Kelly being homophobic. I appreciate the show trying to tackle a subject like this, but it didn’t fit that Kelly would have anything against a gay couple.
If this series took place ten years later, Donna could go on Project Runway.
Nooooo, Noah! You were doing so well as a good guy!
I can’t believe I’m on Valerie’s side about anything. Abby’s a jerk for going out with someone she knows her daughter has problems with. (Eh, Abby’s a jerk in general.)
November 2, 2014
BH90210 8.15, Ready or Not: People Not to Get in Bed With
I don’t think staring at her uncomfortably will make her become a better person
Summary: It’s a rocking night at the After Dark, and everyone’s happy except Valerie – she’s not getting a big enough cut of the profits. Noah reminds her that she only asked for 10 percent. Emma drops by to give Brandon her latest column, telling Kelly that there’s been a development with her “friend.” She slept with the guy who’s in a relationship, and the guy immediately regretted it. Emma recognizes Kelly’s watch as the one she gave Brandon.
In the bathroom, David watches Noah buy condoms. Noah tries to make peace with him once again, but David isn’t about to become friends with the guy who’s dating his ex. He and Valerie watch Noah and Donna leave together, and pretend it doesn’t bother them that their exes are about to get it on. At the Peach Pit the next day, Carly’s having a rough morning and asks Steve to take Zach to school. Her house is being earthquake-retrofitted, which means it’s noisy. Donna offers to let her and Zach stay with her.
Kelly’s still working with Dr. Monahan, and he’s still a jerk. He taunts that he’s more important to the clinic than she is, considering that he’s a doctor, so she needs to keep her mouth shut. Kelly shoots back that he should watch himself around female co-workers. Dr. Monahan tries to guilt her into backing down, telling her that if he’s fired, a less-competent doctor will take his place and patients will suffer. Basically, if Kelly complains about his harassment again, someone will die. Okay, Doc.
Noah and Donna take Noah’s car to the carwash, not realizing it’s the one where David works. He slams Donna for being so willing to sleep with Noah after making David wait for seven years. Donna points out that he’s moved on pretty quickly with Val. David admits that they’re just faking their relationship.
Brandon and Steve interview Janet Sosna for Terri’s production-manager job at the Beverly Beat (Terri eloped). They’re very impressed and immediately hire her. Emma shows up to yell at Brandon for giving Kelly the watch she gave him. He tells her he’s not leaving Kelly, so Emma should consider quitting. Kelly then shows complaining about Monahan, and Emma tells her that any boss who makes sexual advances, either wanted or not, is a jerk. She should stand her ground and not quit her job, just like Emma won’t be.
Noah tries to make things romantic with Donna, who isn’t ready for that. She admits that she’s only had sex with David, and she waited until she felt they were really committed. That didn’t work out, so now she’s hesitant. Noah thinks she’s still trying to get over David. Over at the Walshes’, David and Valerie are also discussing Donna and Noah’s sex life, and how David isn’t interested in anything with Val. He decides he’s done taking Valerie’s charity and will find someplace else to live.
The next day, Brandon and Steve rescue David from the carwash by offering him a music column at the Beverly Beat. After a little hesitation, David accepts. Kelly goes to the clinic but learns that she’s been replaced – supposedly, she resigned. Kelly announces that she’s going to file a formal complaint against Monahan. He protests that he made the clinic great, so the foundation will back him up. Then he fires her.
Duke the bookie shows up at the Peach Pit and notices that the After Dark is putting on a sports night. Nat warns him to stay away from Valerie. While Donna helps Carly pack some of her things, she asks for some sex advice – namely, when to know the time is right to sleep together. Carly tells her that if she’s not sure about commitment or a relationship, Donna’s not ready. She doesn’t need to rush sex to find out if Noah’s the right one for her.
Thanks to an advance from Brandon and Steve, David has enough money to find his own place to live. Valerie thinks he’s making changes because of Donna, but David admits that it’s because of Val. He doesn’t want them to revisit their history. Valerie’s proud of him for getting through all the bad things that have happened to him recently. Then they kiss, so I guess David isn’t that scared of revisiting their history.
Emma encourages Kelly to sue Monahan, then talks more about Kelly’s new watch. When Brandon gets home and Kelly leaves the kitchen to greet him, Emma cooks up a delicacy, boiled watch. She promises to replace it if Brandon tells her where he got it. He claims he doesn’t remember the name of the store. Carly thanks Donna for letting her and Zach stay with her, but Donna’s equally appreciative, since Carly gave her such great advice.
Poor, clueless Kelly reads over Emma’s next column, which mentions that Emma’s “friend” gave her guy a present that he passed on to his girlfriend. Kelly thinks the foundation will take Monahan’s side if the future of the clinic is at stake. Emma warns that nice guys are hard to take down – they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. She encourages Kelly to let other people find out how Monahan talks to her. When Kelly’s out of the room, Emma comments to Brandon that she keeps attracting creeps. Brandon kicks her out of the house.
David and Valerie manage to pull themselves away from her bed long enough to visit sports night at the After Dark. Noah’s mad that Val isn’t pulling her weight at the club. Valerie spots Duke taking bets and shuts him down, having been warned by Nat that he’s not the kind of guy she wants to deal with. He promises her a cut if she lets him stick around. She negotiates a better deal and accepts.
Donna feels better because David and Valerie aren’t sleeping together, and tells David that she and Noah haven’t done anything yet. David confesses that he and Val are no longer just friends. Donna makes a beeline for Noah and asks him to take her home. But Noah’s smart enough to know that Donna only wants to take him to bed because David’s already in Valerie’s bed.
Steve falls asleep while babysitting Zach, so Zach entertains himself by coloring in a sketch Donna was going to show at a job interview. Emma calls Brandon to bug him about their non-relationship, and how he’s still with Kelly. She’s finally decided to quit working at the Beverly Beat. Brandon doesn’t realize that she’s recorded their conversation on her answering machine, and now has a tape of him saying that they slept together.
Apparently Steve found out that Zach colored in Donna’s sketches, but didn’t say anything to Donna before she left for her interview. I don’t understand how this all worked. Anyway, Donna goes to her interview and has to explain why there are colorful splotches all over her designs. Fortunately, the interviewer thinks they’re brilliant and gives her a six-month contract. She decides to call the line Child’s Play. (No word if Zach will get a cut.)
Kelly goes to the clinic to pack her things, turning on Monahan’s intercom when she goes to say goodbye. Brandon and foundation employee Audrey are in the building to hear Monahan tell Kelly to be more appreciative when male co-workers give her compliments. She’s beautiful and has a great body, so she should use what she has. Kelly notes that she has a college degree and experience in her field. Monahan says that she wasn’t able to handle him, which was her main priority.
Kelly continues that she backed down from filing a complaint because she knew she’d need a recommendation for a future job. Monahan closes his office door and offers a more thorough review. She tells him she was discussing her career and that he’s making her uncomfortable. As Monahan grabs her and tries to make out with her, Brandon storms in, followed by Audrey. Monahan is immediately fired, and Kelly already has a doctor lined up to take his place – Dr. Martin.
Duke delivers Valerie’s cut from the previous night, asking her to work with him again. Men would be more likely to place bets with a woman, and she’d make double what she made last night. Valerie’s in. As promised, Emma leaves the Beverly Beat, commenting that Monahan hung himself on the rope Kelly gave him. When Brandon leaves, he finds Emma’s tape on his car. Noah takes Donna to a celebratory dinner at the Bel Age Hotel, complete with a serenade by Brian McKnight. They declare their love for each other and make use of a room upstairs.
Thoughts: I’ve seen a handful of later episodes, and I’ll say now that I love Janet. Also, if you haven’t seen Lindsay Price’s episode of How I Met Your Mother, “Spoiler Alert,” you must.
Calm down, Noah. You had sex, like, three weeks ago. You’re not going to die if Donna makes you wait a little longer.
David, it’s none of Donna’s business who you are or aren’t sleeping with. You don’t have to tell her anything.
’90s music alert: Brian McKnight sings “Anytime,” which isn’t exactly romantic. (“Do I ever cross your mind anytime? I miss you….”) But it’s still a nice thought, Noah.
October 26, 2014
BH90210 8.14, Santa Knows: Brandon’s On the Naughty List
What’s Christmas-y about a gnome?
Summary: Emma’s at the Walshes’, talking to Kelly about Monahan. Kelly’s going to report his sexual harassment the next day. Brandon and David arrive, and Brandon tries to keep David in the room so he doesn’t have to be alone with his girlfriend and the girl he’s about to cheat on her with (um, spoiler). David’s like, “Thanks, but I’m going to go pretend to make out with Valerie instead.” He’s not sure Noah’s buying that Valerie’s dating a guy who works at a carwash.
Kelly asks Emma what she thinks will happen to her “friend” from her column – the one who’s pursuing a guy who’s in a relationship. Kelly thinks that if they’re meant to be together, they’ll hook up. Oh, Kelly. Christmas is coming, so everything in Beverly Hills is decorated, including the After Dark. Donna’s surprised that Noah’s family was more about drinking and fighting than decorating, so he’s never trimmed a tree. She wants him to come to the Walshes’ with her for Christmas Eve, but he doesn’t think he’ll be much fun.
Ben still has no place to live, so he’s still crashing at the carwash. David can’t believe he bought Christmas presents for his parents, who kicked him out. Valerie shows up with lunch for both guys; she’s actually doing something nice for someone without asking for anything in return! It’s a Christmas miracle! Steve asks Terri and Emma to help him figure out what to get Carly for Christmas, since she won’t tell him what she wants. Terri thinks Carly just can’t think of anything she wants. Brandon tries to downplay his kiss with Emma, who wants more.
Kelly starts to tell someone from her foundation that Monahan is a creep. The woman, Audrey, asks her to speak about Monahan at the foundation’s holiday party so the clinic can get more funding. Steve and Carly bring home a Christmas tree and discuss Zach’s Christmas list. Carly still refuses to give Steve any hints about what she wants. Zach’s friend Billy announces that Santa isn’t real, because kids are jerks. Now Zach’s Christmas is ruined.
David takes Ben to his parents’ house so he can drop off their presents. Ben’s mother tries to chase him off before his father gets home. She doesn’t want him to leave the presents because her husband will just throw them away. Ben asks to come home, and his mother only says he can soon. David’s disgusted that Ben’s parents are going to let their son be homeless for Christmas. Ben’s mom doesn’t like that her son will have a “different” life if he’s out – he should just be straight and everything will be okay! Ben hates that his father hates him. His mom says they just need some time.
Zach takes his Santa denial to the Peach Pit, where Nat runs away instead of having to address his questions. Donna takes him to the After Dark, which is done up like the North Pole. Unfortunately, Santa is a stripper. Donna blasts Noah for throwing a Christmas party with a stripper, though it was a private party for adults. She’s mostly mad that he’s not respecting that Christmas means something special to some people.
David thinks Kelly’s foundation can help Ben out, but Ben insists that he’s fine. He got in touch with his mother’s sister, who’s going to let him move in with her family. He thanks David for being the only person cool with him being gay. Brandon goes by Emma’s place to get her article, then tries to leave right away. Emma attempts to seduce him, telling him he’s already moved on from Kelly. There’s some kissing, and then their clothes come off, and now Kelly’s Christmas is going to be really awful.
David finds Ben still at the carwash, though he said he was leaving for his aunt’s house. David’s seen through Ben’s story and figured out that Ben wants to kill himself. Indeed, Ben was about to cut himself with a razor blade. David yells at him, which is super-helpful, and says that Ben’s dad isn’t worth it. Ben wonders if he’s worth anything either. Brandon comes home with tons of presents, which I’m sure aren’t his way of making up for being a DIRTY CHEATER.
In the morning, David tells Valerie that he spent the night driving around with Ben to keep him from harming himself. Ben refuses to get help or talk to a professional. David isn’t sure he’s the best person to help anyone right now. Valerie says Ben is lucky that David was around. David isn’t sure someone will be there for Ben next time. At the Beverly Beat, Emma tries to get Brandon naked again, but he tells her he’s in love with Kelly. Emma’s upset that he regrets their hookup.
Noah visits Donna at a photo shoot, but she doesn’t want a relationship with him while he’s working with Valerie. She also doesn’t want to be with someone who wants to be alone when he’s going through hard times; she already went through that with David. Noah promises that this isn’t the same. David goes to Ben’s parents’ house and tells them Ben is suicidal. Ben’s father refuses to do anything to help his son as long as he’s gay.
Kelly and Brandon attend the foundation’s holiday party, meeting Monahan’s wife Nina. Despite having the perfect opportunity to trash her creepy boss, Kelly only says nice things about him to the foundation. Steve asks Zach for help writing a letter to Santa, but Zach says all the Santas he’s seen so far were fakes. Steve and Carly tell him that the real Santa won’t come until Christmas Eve. According to Steve, the others are the “warm-up act.”
Brandon chats with Nina while Monahan introduces Kelly to people who might be able to help her with her future career. He takes her to another room to thank her for saying nice things about him, then kisses her. This creeps her out, and she runs to Brandon to tell him she wants to leave. Valerie catches Ben leaving the Walshes’, trying to leave without saying goodbye to David. She blasts him for not trying hard enough or being grateful enough to David. She encourages him to teach his father a lesson by making a good life for himself.
Kelly tells Audrey about Monahan’s behavior, admitting that if he hadn’t cornered her and kissed her the night before, she would have kept quiet. Audrey warns that Kelly’s accusations will go on her record, and a false accusation could ruin Monahan. If Kelly’s potential future employers find out she filed a sexual-harassment suit, she could have trouble getting hired. Kelly recognizes that this isn’t fair, since she’s not the harasser, and Audrey points out that it’s her word against Monahan.
Donna decorates Noah’s boat so much that it looks like something Buddy from Elf would do. There’s some relationship talk, and then everything’s fine. Everyone goes to the Walshes’ house for Christmas Eve, including Nat, who wants to play Santa for Zach. Steve has already taken care of that, getting Zach the tree fort he asked Santa for. Ben’s parents show up and ask him to come home, promising that they’ll work on accepting him because they want the best for him.
Valerie and David celebrate Ben’s happiness by kissing. In his tree fort, Zach watches Santa Nat collect his bag of toys and sleigh keys so he can head on to his next house. Kelly finds a present in Brandon’s bag and opens it, not realizing it was Emma’s present for Brandon. She thinks Brandon got her a man’s watch so she’ll think of him every time she looks at it.
Thoughts: This is what Emma’s haircut makes me think of.
Hi, David. Don’t yell at the suicidal kid. Try hugging him.
How much coal does Santa leave you for cheating on your girlfriend? Maybe he’ll just give Brandon the coal he was going to give Ben’s parents.
Valerie’s a lot nicer than usual in this episode. I think she’s trying to get on Santa’s nice list.
August 10, 2014
BH90210 8.3, Forgive and Forget: This Is Not the Time for Your Stupid Problems, Everyone Who’s Not Kelly
Felice has no suspicions about Donna’s completely natural pose in front of her closet (which definitely doesn’t contain anything or anyone concerning)
Summary: Kelly is rushed to the hospital after her shooting and quickly taken to surgery. The rest of the gang is questioned by a detective who wants to find the shooter. Most of them didn’t get a good look at the guy or his friends, so no one’s stories match up. Brandon, however, remembers exactly what the shooter looked like and vows to kill him if he comes across him again.
Someone calls Jackie, who arrives just as Kelly’s doctor comes to tell everyone how she’s doing. Despite multiple injuries, she’s expected to recover. Brandon sends the rest of the gang home to rest but refuses to leave the hospital. Steve goes to the Peach Pit, where Nat hasn’t heard what happened. KEG’s new rush chair wants to chat with his predecessor, who’s not in the mood.
Steve tells Nat about the shooting, then asks for the keys to the After Dark so he can get a drink. The rush chair pulls him over to talk to his friends, and Steve invites them to join him at the After Dark. Meanwhile, David and Donna go to the beach apartment, but he doesn’t want to stay the night or move in until she fulfills her promise to tell her parents they’re going to live together. Noah has Valerie take him to a random house to go swimming. Ugh, just have sex already.
Back at the hospital, Jackie says that the detective told her Brandon tried to protect Kelly. Brandon, however, blames himself for causing the shooting, since he picked a fight with the car thieves. In the morning, Noah wakes up in Valerie’s bed and sneaks out while she’s still asleep. Kelly wakes up to find Brandon by her side.
Apparently David spent the night after all, or maybe just came by the beach apartment early in the morning, in his pajamas, to help Donna make the bed. Felice shows up, and David thinks this is the perfect time for Donna to tell her they’re living together. She makes him hide in the closet. Felice asks Donna why she’s acting weird, and Donna tells her she got fired in Hawaii.
Kelly tells the detective what she remembers about the shooting, and he invites Brandon to the police station to check out a line-up. Jackie asks Brandon and Noah to have their blood typed; Kelly has a rare blood type, and the doctors want to be prepared in case she needs a transfusion. She also asks Steve to take Erin to her soccer practice again.
The After Dark’s accounts are overdrawn, and the latest liquor delivery is COD because David’s been late on some payments. It’s hard to feel sorry for him when Kelly’s in the hospital after almost dying. Valerie finds Noah on the Martins’ boat and tells him she’s not happy that he left without leaving a note. He tells her he left one on the fridge that said, “See ya.” He wants to go for a sail with her, but she’s not interested in him anymore.
Steve bickers with Carly at Erin’s soccer practice. She tells him he smells like tequila; he tells her she smells nice. She thinks he spent the evening with a girl he picked up at a bar. He tells her he actually spent it worried about his hospitalized friend. Steve feels bad about getting Carly fired from her job and offers to help her get another one.
Donna visits Kelly, sharing that her father got her an interview with a designer. She admits that she chickened out of telling Felice that David’s moving in. Kelly gives Donna her apartment key to give him. She tells Donna that she told Brandon she loved him before the shooting, and after she was hurt, she was grateful that she’d gotten to say it.
Brandon goes in for the line-up and immediately pegs the person he thinks is the shooter. Meanwhile, David and Felice join Donna in Kelly’s hospital room, where everyone continues to not tell Felice about her daughter’s living arrangements. David and Donna bicker, like, is this really the place?
Steve takes Carly, Zach, and Erin to the Peach Pit, where Nat quickly asks Carly to come on board as a waitress. Steve tries to further impress Carly by telling her he’s a sports agent. Apparently he really wants to be one, since he talks to Charlotte (a girl he met the night before) and tells her to contact him when she’s ready for the WNBA.
Donna goes on her job interview and is told she’s too stylish for the job. (I guess the designer hates her own clothes? I don’t know.) Instead, she’s offered a job as the designer’s personal shopper. Later, Donna heads to the After Dark, which is pretty dead. At least Steve’s having a good night, what with Charlotte showing interest in him. Carly isn’t happy to see them together.
Brandon has gone to the club, for some reason, and while he’s gone, Kelly develops a complication. The nurse who finally answers his call tells him to come back to the hospital. The doctor explains that Kelly had a blood clot, but a blood transfusion from Noah helped get things under control. Unfortunately, there may be more complications the doctors won’t know about until Kelly wakes up.
Noah takes Valerie a snow globe as a peace offering. They listen to blues music and Valerie reminisces about hearing it from her neighbor’s house when she was growing up. Donna finds Felice praying in the hospital chapel and decides this is the right time to tell her she and David are going to live together. She adds that they had sex, and she doesn’t feel guilty about it. Felice isn’t pleased. Donna tells David that she talked to Felice, and that she’s glad she’s no longer keeping secrets.
Brandon looks through pictures from the trip while Kelly remains unconscious. He admits that he’s having trouble staying strong. A few moments later, she starts to wake up. Because this is now officially a soap opera, Kelly asks Brandon, “Who are you?”
Thoughts: Oh, amnesia. Always so fun on paper, always so poorly executed.
Kelly’s doctor is played by Daniel Dae Kim. He hasn’t aged a day since this episode. The nurse Brandon talks to on the phone is played by Sonya Eddy, who also plays a nurse on General Hospital (but she’s much more fun on GH).
How did Noah know where to have Valerie take him? How did he know the house had a pool? How did he know no one would be there? That whole thing was so dumb.
Donna, freaking A, you are 22. It’s none of your mother’s business who you live with.
This might be the first episode where I haven’t hated Brandon even a little bit. I even felt sorry for him. I’m sure that won’t last.
May 25, 2014
BH90210 7.26, The Long Goodbye: Devoted to Who?
See? Pretty!
Summary: Brandon and Tracy have just gone on a date, and despite the fact that he can barely look at her, she thinks their relationship is “back on track.” Brandon decides this is the right time to break the news to her that he doesn’t want to date her anymore. He tries to blame it on the inappropriateness of dating a co-worker, like, you dated YOUR BOSS last year, Brandon; no one buys that. Amazingly, Kelly’s name doesn’t come up.
There’s a CU talent show approaching; Steve and Donna are doing a skit involving a saloon girl, a Mountie, and lip-synching. Steve thinks Clare should do something risky and make herself vulnerable. Donna tells David she’s heading to her parents’ house since her mother needs a break from taking care of Dr. Martin all the time. She wants Felice to come to the talent show and see some of her college friends.
Tracy mopes to Valerie that Brandon dumped her but she doesn’t know why – she doesn’t think Kelly is connected. Val disagrees, saying that Kelly was probably waiting to make a move. She promises to try to talk some sense into Brandon. Elsewhere, Brandon shares the news with Kelly, telling her he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her since they kissed. Kelly admits the same. They decide to spend some time together and see where things go.
After they set up a date for the next night, Valerie approaches Brandon to blast him for dumping Tracy. Brandon points out that he’s not in love with Tracy, so he broke things off. Valerie insists that Tracy’s better for him than Kelly. He can’t know for sure that Kelly really loves him; she’ll probably end up hurting him. Brandon sees right through her, accusing her of still holding a grudge against Kelly.
Donna tries to get Felice interested in the talent show, which is only part of a Spring Fest that also includes a picnic, volleyball tournament, and dance. Felice is worried about what Dr. Martin will do now that he can’t be a surgeon. She reluctantly looks at the guest list for the Spring Fest and spots a familiar name, Warren Graham.
Clare tells Steve that she’s going to sing in the talent show, which surprises him since he didn’t know she sang. She picks out Linda Ronstadt’s “Devoted to You,” which her mom used to sing all the time. But when Clare gives it a shot, she proves to be tone-deaf. At the beach apartment, David helps Donna perfect her Mountie walk (I guess Steve’s the saloon girl, then), but she’s not very good at it. Kelly receives a telegram from Dylan asking to see her the next night while he’s in L.A. on a layover. She’s not allowed to tell anyone.
The next morning, Steve tells Brandon that Clare’s going to make a fool of herself in the show, and it’ll be his fault. Valerie bugs Brandon about Kelly, telling him that she’ll probably be late for their date since she’ll be traveling from the airport. She knows about the telegram…because it’s from her, not Dylan. She wanted to prove to Brandon that Kelly would rather be with Dylan. Brandon notes that Kelly meeting Dylan doesn’t mean anything. He’s not going to follow and spy on her.
It’s almost show time, and Kelly has skipped helping out to go to the airport. Donna spots Felice with a guy she finds familiar – clearly Warren Graham. Valerie goes to Tracy’s room and tells her that Brandon may be coming around on her. Steve tells Clare that she doesn’t have to go through with her performance just to prove something to him. She reminds him that he encouraged her to loosen up. She doesn’t think she’s in danger of making a fool of herself.
Donna sees Felice sitting with Warren and finally places him – he’s the guy her mother had an affair with way back in “Things to Do On a Rainy Day.” As the talent show starts, Kelly waits for Dylan at the airport. Of course, he doesn’t show. Brandon watches her, despite having told Valerie that he wouldn’t follow her. Back at the show, Donna thinks Felice came to see Warren and plans to cheat on Dr. Martin again.
Donna and Steve do their skit, and Steve makes a very pretty woman. Brandon goes to the Peach Pit to mope to Nat about Kelly going to see Dylan. Nat points out that Brandon would go see an old girlfriend if she sent a telegram (cough Emily cough). Brandon worries that what Dylan once told him about him and Kelly having a special connection is true. Nat wonders if he would have broken up with Tracy if Kelly weren’t in the picture.
Kelly heads to the show, ending up sitting right behind Valerie. Val tells her that Brandon isn’t there, hinting that he might know where Kelly went. Steve talks to Clare again about not performing, finally admitting that she can’t sing. She wants to go on anyway. Steve tells her to let the song come from her heart; she can sell the performance without having the talent. Clare starts off badly, and the audience isn’t very supportive. She stops for a moment, then starts over, this time performing beautifully.
Brandon leaves a message for Kelly, cancelling their date. Tracy shows up at his office and tries to seduce him. She thinks they should give the relationship a second chance. Brandon disagrees. Tracy accuses him of using her to distract himself while Kelly was dating Mark. He replies that Kelly’s probably in love with Dylan, which makes Tracy feel a little better.
After the show, Kelly heads off to meet Brandon as Donna sees that Felice and Warren are still talking. Steve praises Clare for taking the risk of singing instead of backing down. She tells him that she was supposed to sing the song in a grade-school talent show, but her mother didn’t show up, so Clare wouldn’t perform. This was the first time she got to sing the song for her mom.
David tries to convince Donna that her mother isn’t up to anything, but Donna sees Felice and Warren together again and confronts them. David notes that they don’t seem to be doing anything romantic. Felice explains that Warren is a doctor, and they’ve been talking about Dr. Martin. Now that Dr. Martin can’t practice medicine, Felice thinks he should lecture at Warren’s hospital. Then she tells Donna to listen to David more often, so I think Felice needs to be checked over by a neurologist.
At the Walshes’, Valerie confirms that Kelly fell for the telegram and Brandon saw her going to meet Dylan. Valerie’s pleased that Brandon now knows Kelly’s true feelings for her ex. But then Kelly shows up, upset that Brandon skipped a date he said he’d been waiting for. He confronts her about meeting Dylan, which sparks an argument about lying and trust and Kelly’s feelings for Dylan. She insists that she was going to meet him as a friend, then go meet Brandon for their date.
Kelly shows Brandon that she’s wearing her engagement ring on a chain, telling him that she was going to let Dylan know that she’s finally chosen. No matter what happens, she sees the ring as hers and Brandon’s. They exchange “I love you”s and kiss. Not shown: Valerie in the background with smoke coming out of her ears.
Thoughts: ‘Bye, Tracy! I won’t miss you. I liked you in the beginning, but then you got really annoying.
Valerie: “I’ll take care of it.” Me: (shudder)
Donna, goofing off while practicing for the show: “This is my Mountie walk.” Tori Spelling’s delivery cracked me up.
A telegram? In 1997? Okay….
Steve (re: the show): “I have a lot of problems there.” Brandon: “Like what size bra to stuff?” Steve: “No. I’ve always been a D cup.” Never change, Steve.
Val, you moron, why did you tell Brandon the telegram was from you?
Clare and David (her accompanist) don’t practice before the show. Whaaaa?
May 4, 2014
BH90210 7.23, Storm Warning: Men of Constant Sorrow
Clare sure gets how dudes dress
Summary: It’s been a few days since Joey hung out with Kelly, and she’s still worried about him. Clare complains about Steve, like, you’re the one who keeps going out with him, so deal with it. Apparently he recently demanded sex. Clare’s considering coming up with a way to “sink to his level.” As she leaves for school, Joey pops up and begs Kelly not to send him back to the shelter he ran away from.
At the Walshes’, Brandon tells Valerie that he’s been emailing Jim and Cindy (those Walshes, so modern!), who want him to visit them in Hong Kong over spring break. Val wants to go, too (they’re sending two tickets), but when Brandon teases her about leaving Rob behind, she changes her mind and tells him to take Tracy instead.
At the beach apartment, Kelly finally gets Joey to tell her some truths: He’s from New Mexico and ran away because he and his stepfather don’t get along. His mom’s pregnant and Joey thinks she doesn’t need him now that she’s going to have a new family. Kelly’s able to relate to having a new stepfather and watching her mom form a new life. Joey thinks his family’s glad he left, which is why no one’s looked for him.
David’s been thinking a lot about the stories Mrs. Martin told him and Donna, and he’s been inspired to try again to connect with Felice. Donna tells him he doesn’t have to, since she wants to be with him no matter how her parents feel about him. She thinks he should just let things be. Steve tells Brandon that Rush is worried about an upcoming storm and wants Steve to look after a house he just bought in Malibu. He wants the rest of the gang to come along and help with sandbags.
With the boringness out of the way, Brandon tells Steve about his invitation to Hong Kong. Steve begs to tag along so he can get away from Clare. (Seriously, do these two even like each other anymore?) The guys complain about how women only want to talk about feelings. Tracy shows up and invites Brandon to come home with her over the break. He tells her he’s going to Hong Kong but doesn’t offer her the second ticket.
Valerie goes by Rob’s house, where he’s doing some woodworking, because he is a Normal Guy and has a Normal Hobby. Val thinks he’s nuts for not enjoying his fame. He asks her to read a script he received and tell him whether he should do the movie. At the Peach Pit, Nat asks Steve if Clare’s okay, since she’s eating stuff she doesn’t usually eat. She’s also wearing grubby clothes and reading the sports section. She tells Steve she’s taking part in a science experiment and receiving testosterone.
David goes by Dr. Martin’s office to ask for advice (seeing a cardiologist about “matters of the heart” – get it?). He’s worried that Felice is trying to end his relationship with Donna. Dr. Martin, who doesn’t seem to be feeling well, tells David to just be himself and wait Felice out, because things will get better. While David’s thanking him, Dr. Martin collapses. Soon, Donna gets a phone call telling her that her father’s at the hospital in critical condition.
Donna rushes to the hospital and learns that her father had a stroke. His doctor thinks that because he received treatment quickly, his chances are better than they could be. David tells Donna he was with Dr. Martin when he collapsed. At the beach apartment, Kelly tries to get in touch with Joey’s mother. Valerie asks Tracy about the Hong Kong trip; this is the first time Tracy hears that there are two tickets. She confronts Brandon, accusing him of not telling his parents they’re dating.
Kelly tells Joey a little about her family, and they talk about missing their fathers. She invites him to Malibu with the rest of the gang. At the Peach Pit, Valerie meets Rob’s manager, Alan, who doesn’t like that Rob’s asking her opinion about potential projects. Rob himself liked the script, but Val doesn’t. She and Alan squabble and she storms out. Alan calls her high-maintenance and asks if he needs to manage Rob’s love life as well.
At the hospital, Donna asks David why he went to her father’s office after she asked him to leave things along. She blames him for stressing Dr. Martin out and causing the stroke. She gets to see her father, who’s not in good shape (also his eyes are open and it’s kind of freaky). Everyone else heads to Malibu, where Kelly acts maternal toward Joey, who objects. She tells him she knows he’s independent but she wants to look out for him anyway.
Steve isn’t happy with Clare’s sudden behavioral changes, since she’s more like a guy now. Brandon says something about men bringing about the Four Horsemen and the destruction of the world, or something. I don’t know. Tracy complains some more about Brandon not telling Jim and Cindy about her. He gives in and offers her the second ticket, like, yay, a pity invite! You should be so grateful, Tracy! Hmm, I wonder why she isn’t?
Rob calls Valerie to tell her he’s not doing the movie. David stays with Donna at the hospital even though she’s being a jerk to him. He tells her that he just wanted to talk to Dr. Martin about his feelings for Donna; his work stress isn’t David’s fault. Donna realizes she was an idiot and apologizes. David tries to comfort her, but she’s having a hard time being positive about her father’s condition.
In Malibu, Tracy sees Brandon talking to Kelly, which is AGAINST THE RULES, WHY DOESN’T HE KNOW THAT? He thinks Tracy’s overreacting, but Kelly basically tells him he’s dumb about women. Thanks to road closures, the gang is stuck at the house for the night. Kelly finally hears from Joey’s mother, who has clearly been very worried about him. They make arrangements to get everything sorted out. Valerie goes to Rob’s house, where he gives her a mirror he made her. She invites herself to spend the night.
In the morning, Donna tells her still-unconscious father that it’s time to wake up. The storm passes by Malibu, so things are calm at the house, except in Steve’s room, where Clare demands sex to let him know how annoying it is. He tells her he’d like some romance. She’s all, “THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS, MORON.” Tracy has left Malibu early, making Brandon admit that Kelly was right about him not knowing a ton about women. He thinks they should remove all the sandbags now that they’re not needed, but Steve wants to leave them to show Rush how much work they did.
Kelly tells Joey that when Jackie married Mel, she was cold toward him, but David convinced her to give him a second chance. Joey needs to give his stepfather a chance, too. He was brave enough to run away – is he brave enough to go back? His mother and stepfather arrive, very happy to see him. Joey worries that they’re mad, but they’re just glad he’s okay.
Alan visits Valerie at the After Dark and asks her to change Rob’s mind about the movie since the script is going to be rewritten. In exchange, she gets $20,000. Alan thinks that together, the two of them can help Rob become great. The rest of the gang returns to Beverly Hills, and Kelly tells Nat that Joey’s back with his family and things seem to be better. He tells her she can babysit Frankie the next time she gets maternal urges.
Tracy tracks Brandon down and they apologize to each other. She thinks they should keep their plan of taking separate spring breaks. However, he wants to prove his love for her by taking her to Hong Kong to meet his parents. Kelly isn’t happy to watch them kiss. At the hospital, Dr. Martin regains consciousness, and now Donna’s optimistic about his recovery.
Thoughts: Alan is played by soap actor Rick Hearst (Alan-Michael on Guiding Light, Whip on The Bold and the Beautiful, Ric on General Hospital). Those familiar with Ric: Alan is pretty much the same guy.
’90s music alert: Republica’s “Ready to Go,” which I think is still used in commercials now, almost 20 years later.
Donna should be glad David was with Dr. Martin. The doctor said he has a better chance at recovery because he received treatment early. If David hadn’t been with him, it could have taken a while for someone to find him and call an ambulance.
At this point, Valerie’s basically on her own show. She barely interacts with any of the other main characters.
I would like to know why Rob has a mattress in his living room.
'90s Flashback 
